Halo
by poemsandroses
Summary: "Tegan Rain shares a very old story from her past to an anonymous stranger of when she was only an 18 year old college student and fell in love with a 32 year old Sara Clement." Previously published and finished on the old site. Warning for emotional and physical abuse.
1. Very Thin Lady with Very Fat Confidence

**Chapter 1: The Very Thin Lady with the Very Fat Confidence.**

**May 3rd, 2043**

Oh, do not look at me like that. I will not stop my stream of words now that my coffee is present and the weather is finally clearing. Trust me, a twenty year old version of me might have acted coy around you, might have not even told you a bit of details about her own residence, but now, I have nothing to lose. Or perhaps, I have everything to lose. You may wonder why I am telling you such an old tale about my supposedly forgotten past, right? I am not going to be melodramatic here. No it did not really change my life or made me a better person as you read in the books. Really, it is a simple tale that I would like to share with you. Why you? Oh I am not sure. Perhaps because you are a stranger. You know, an old friend who also was a stranger, once said to me that it is more safe for strangers to share information, secretive ones. She said the reason why is that strangers do not know each other, they cannot harm each other because they are strangers. There are no ties between the two of us. What I am going to say is an ancient tale that I have lived thirty years ago. Some of these events I do not even recall well.

I am not sure where to begin. My husband says I cannot make up my mind on the simplest things. Going out or staying home seems to be quite the struggle that I face at crucial times. Or if I want the ice tea or just a juice. I also keep changing my orders when it comes to food. I buy a shirt that I liked from the first glance then wonder why I had bought it as I put it inside my closet. Sometimes I am also not sure if I like men or women. Oh don't you gasp. You either listen or walk. It seems that you choose to listen. Great. Yes I will be forty-nine in a month. And yes I am a married woman with two daughters. I am aware of that. That does not mean I have not questioned my sexuality in the past. Oh I did experiment...A little bit. But I would not call it that. You see, I am certain it was love. Oh yes, certainly I am speaking about a woman. Let's begin in a chronological order, shall we?

**January 13th, 2013**

Tegan Rain was a very, very ordinary eighteen year old. Just like every other human being, she had her insecurities, flaws, and nights of endless emptiness. Here is the first day of her second semester at university. Majoring in English Language and Literature has always been a dream of hers...Well the literature part. She could not care less about the syntax of the English language. But that's how it was supposed to be. There was no English Literature alone. It was English Language **and** Literature. Therefore, she had to take some subjects that she was not eager to take. Some subjects were electives that had nothing to do with her major. Some were a must in the study plan. And some subjects were just there because God knows why.

She was sitting in the third row from the back with two acquaintances she had taken a class with in the previous semester. It was her last class of the day. She looked at the paper she had printed in order to remember her classes. The classes, their places, times, and the professor giving them, all printed on the sheet between her small hands. Intercultural Communication with Professor Sara Clement. The class was full of people. Every seat was taken. She knew she was lucky that somebody had dropped which allowed her to add the class to her schedule. It was a closed section till the previous night. She had to take this useless subject that had nothing to do with literature and get it over with. Even though the subject had nothing to do with literature, it was classified as a subject within the major and the professor who was giving it has a PhD in English Literature.

Tegan does not know who the professor is. She had never heard her name before. None of the older students mentioned her. She knew she had a PhD and not only an MA because there was a small "Dr." near her name; _Dr. Sara Clement_. Tegan admired that and felt lucky she is in a section where a woman with a PhD is teaching it. At her university, not all the teaching staff had PhDs, most of them only had Masters degrees. She wondered silently of how this Dr. Clement might look. She hoped she will not be a very old woman who has a secret hate for girls and an undeniable favour for boys. Most of the female professors were like that, the male professors were the opposite. She was not able to win both ways. Tegan did not have a long hair, she did not dress or act in a girly manner. She was not exactly a tomboy, but she was not girly either. Her shaggy hair reached her shoulders. It was the longest she could grow it before getting sick and bored of it. She always tried different haircuts that her family and friends criticized. She was not a rule breaker, really, she was not a rebel at all. Actually, quite the opposite, she was very innocent, and somehow a bit of a naive girl. Drowning in her romantic fantasies and flow of thoughts each night before falling asleep. She did not really want to make a statement. All she wanted was to fit in and have a couple of friends. Something she was not able to have in high school. The thought alone about such years made the tigers of her mind roar in untamed anger. She shook the thoughts away as they were interrupted by the girl sitting beside her.

"Do you know anything about this Dr. Clement?" Kristen asked as she sat beside Tegan. Kristen took a class with Tegan in the first semester. It was a Linguistics class. One of the worst classes according to Tegan. She despised the classes that had to do with the language and its syntax. She just wanted to dig into literature. She wanted to go through the history and swim inside the powerful words of the previous centuries. Literature had always been her passion. When Tegan was fifteen, she had decided that she was going to major in it. Nobody took her decision seriously back then. She still had two years left of high school and she was bound to change her mind a lot. After all, Tegan never made up her mind. She kept wandering back and forth, choosing between this and that. She was an anxious person and making up her mind was harder than learning how to drive, which she sucked at as well.

"No. The section opened last night and I added it before it could close. I needed any class at 1 PM." Tegan explained with a faint smile to her classmate. She unlocked her phone and looked at the time. It was 1:08, two more minutes and if the professor does not show up, then everyone in the class will leave. This was not the first day of the second semester, but it was the first day for her. Actually, to be specific, it was the third day. Usually students do not show up the first day, and if they showed up, they hung out with their friends outside classes rather than go to them. Even most professors do not show up. But there were always the obnoxious, strict ones who would show up from the first day and even take attendance and give a full class. Even if there were less than ten people there, they gave a class and took attendance.

Tegan couldn't help but overhear two girls talking about the mysterious professor the whole class was waiting for.

"I am telling you she's coming, she came on Monday and took attendance. She's scary as fuck." She heard the brunette dressed in a tight, bright pink top and dark blue jeans say to the other female seated beside her. Tegan let out a faint, subtle sigh which was quickly interrupted by a loud slamming of the door. Her eyes grew wide at the scene before her. A very petite, very short, very thin, pale woman with a half eaten yellow apple in one hand, pushing the door on a girl who was trying to step inside in the other hand. Tegan watched in horror along with every member in the class as the woman who looked as if she was in her mid twenties fought with a girl who seemed to be a student trying to enter the class.

"Nobody..." The woman yelled, her voice is too soft, her tone very feminine and carried the slightest anger. "Enters the class after I go inside." After the loud tone of the first word, there was a whisper in the rest of the sentence. A calm tone, a very, very, very calm tone. Then a smile. A fake one, thought Tegan. One caused by trying not to get anger reach to you. But why was she even that angry and hard on herself? Oh no, here comes another bitchy professor.

Dr. Clement turned around, facing the class, she smirked at the few familiar faces she had recognized. They seemed to be the only ones who were laughing hysterically at the situation while the rest of the students were frozen in fright. She threw the half eaten apple in her hand across the room and it successfully fell inside the small trash can on the corner. She turned around and faced the sixty-five students sitting in class No. sixteen, in the faculty of English and Foreign Languages.

Sara Clement had the slightest grin on her face as she started taking off her dark purple coat, revealing her slim, pale figure covered in the thin material of the white shirt she was wearing and the black skirt that reached her very weak looking knees. It was very cold for such a wear, even in a well heated class. It made Tegan shudder at the scene, wasn't this woman freezing to death? Tegan was snuggled in her heavy black coat and her hands were hiding inside her pockets, unable to be exposed to such temperature. She noticed the silky, transparent, black pantyhose covering the woman's slender legs and her black and white Oxfords shoes. She was confused at the subtle hints of masculinity the woman standing before her held. She was wearing a skirt and a pantyhose. Her plain white shirt was tucked inside the high-waisted skirt, and it was unbuttoned at the start of her cleavage. The shirt was large enough to hide the woman's curves but tight enough to show the mere swell of her breasts. Her collarbones were very protruding, there was a silver chain hugging her long neck, her long, thin fingers were toying with the chain as she stared at the class. Her hair was shorter than Tegan's and she had a curl at the end of it where it stopped at the back of her neck. The wavy fringe and the soft features gave the woman the femininity she had taken away with her haircut. Her cheek bones and jaw were visibly notable and very sharp looking. Eyes were hazel and small. Not a piece of make up covering her very pale skin. Perhaps only a mascara covering the eyelashes, Tegan thought. Dr. Clement looked very young to be a professor, a woman with PhD. Tegan wondered how old she could be.

"So..." Sara started with a whisper, same calm tone. "As you have seen..." She paused and smiled the same fake smile Tegan had noticed before. "If this door closes...Do not bothering coming inside, because I will not let you." And the same angry, loud tone as she continued her sentence. "Clear?" Another fake smile as she whispered the last word. "Good" Sara nodded, pleased with the result of scaring the whole class with simple words as everybody was quiet in a horrific way. Tegan regretted taking this class for a second. She wondered if she could drop it and search for another one at 1 PM. But she knew all the classes were closed and she needed to take this class and get it over with as soon as possible, even if she had to deal with a psycho of a a professor.

"I do see familiar faces in here." Sara smirked as her small eyes scanned a couple of guys sitting in the second row. "Haven't you guys learned not to take any subject with me from the first, second, and third time I failed you?" Her devilish grin making Tegan's mind drown in worry. "We can't help it doc, we love you." A tall guy, with brown hair stated as he smirked at the petite woman standing inches away from him. "Well I hate you, Rob." Sara yelled again in the same tone as her face inched closer to the man's.

Tegan and Kristen looked at each other, brows raised. No professor ever dared to act in such a manner. What kind of professor was she? The kind who jokes with the male students a little bit too much? Tegan hated such women. The flirty ones, they were able to get whatever they wanted with a simple gaze. Tegan was very shy and awkward. She did not know how to flirt, how to smile, how to move her eye in a certain way to capture the attention of the surroundings. She hated that about herself. She was always too scared and fearful, unable to attract any guy, she even thought there was something wrong with her. Her friends assured her that she is fine and men just really like easy and outgoing girls. Tegan was mostly serious and nervous, especially when standing next to strangers. Once she got used to someone, she was a whole other person, or actually, to be accurate, she was herself once she got used to someone and was comfortable with them. But that didn't always happen. Herself, according to others and even to her own self, was scary. It was hard letting it all out. It mostly was poured out in song writing or a crying fest at 3 AM. when everybody else was asleep.

"Alright." The woman finally stated, firmly, with confidence vibrating through her tone. "My name is Sara Clement and I believe some of you know me and most of you do not." She paused, taking a breath while scanning the humans sitting as she was standing in front of everyone with nothing but sharp gazes and screaming confidence. "You have chosen this class and you will have to deal with me this semester or if you cannot then I encourage you to drop it" Sara paused again, a smirk forming on her soft lips. "The less the number is, the better I tolerate ignorance."

"Here are my rules, I am going to say them and if anyone has an objection, I suggest you drop the course before it is too late and you suffer my presence every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 1 till 2 PM in the afternoon." She paused again and took a deep breath. It almost felt like she was arranging the thoughts inside her head.

Tegan couldn't help but notice the visible lisp her professor carried, it made it almost hard to believe she was as angry as she pretended to be. Tegan herself carried a bit of a lisp which was only noticeable when she was very nervous, scared, or speaking quite fast. She hated her lisp and stutter, especially when her brother, Ted, mocked her whenever she lisped or was unable to pronounce a certain word out of nerves. It was a bad habit that her mother tried to make go away when Tegan was still young. Unfortunately, it had stayed with her till this day, and once she is very angry, screaming, shouting and crying, none of her words made sense, letters being replaced into other letters and only noises being uttered rather than coherent sentences.

"I do not tolerate ignorance. This is a class about cultures. We will speak about _everything_. Different religions, countries, cultures, ethnicity, races, even homosexuality and gender. So if you are just a bit intolerant to difference, this is not a class you must take with me." It caught Tegan's attention when she heard the word _'Homosexuality_'. She did not know why this word made her jump out of her seat. It was probably the small experience she had at sixteen. Her mother convinced her it was just a phase, and somehow, even her tired brain managed to be convinced it was an ugly phase she had suffered. But two years after, she still shifted uncomfortably in her seat when this word came up. Her mind jumping in ambiguous excitement that was not comprehensible to her. Homosexuality was not really a big issue in such time and place to a lot of people. But certainly it was to her very religious family. A family that did not tolerate that much difference, a very traditional family that Tegan was very glad to leave at eighteen.

Tegan was not from Canada as most people were in this class. She was from the States. She decided to go to Canada for college. It was more of a getaway. She always found herself running away from everyone around her. She finished high school, the hardest years of her life according to her. She chose to stay away from _the land of misery_ as she used to call it. She wanted to start fresh in Canada, near the cold and the rain. The rain was good, it washes away all the dirt clouded inside a human's mind and makes them feel fresh and clean again. Her first semester was a bit hard. She thought she was going to struggle in finding friends but actually, unlike high school, it was the easiest thing she dealt with. Her dorm mate Emy, who was a year older than her and also majored in English Language and Literature, was a very good friend that she met on the first day. Emy had an artistic mind, and Tegan loved art as well. They would spend hours inside their dorm room on a painting or discuss a painting. It was quite the blessing that she had found a friend that quickly. Emy introduced her to a couple more friends who were also a year older. Jeremy, who always smiled at her as if he had seen the sun on a very cloudy day, and Lindsey, who always forced her opinions on others because she was a good talker, and Tegan envied her for that. But the country was still very new, she was not used to the subjects, the first semester was just a "figuring it all out" sort of thing as Emy had told her. Emy helped her to adjust and she would always recommend seats and give advices when it comes to which professor she was taking the class with. But even Emy did not know about Dr. Clement. She said she had never took any subject with her before, but she often saw her name in the schedule in the subjects people in the third and fourth years should be taking.

"The midterm exam will be out of thirty. The final will be out of fifty. The twenty marks left will be divided; ten for participation in class, ten for a presentation. Yes, you are going to do a presentation about a certain culture and speak about it. And I suggest, if you want to win my heart, you pick something far and stay away from the safe ones." Tegan groaned at the thought of her presenting in front of a class. She hated presentations. In high school, she always slacked and _accidentally_ forgot to do her presentation which caused her to lose a lot of credit. In the first semester she had successfully avoided presentations. But this day was not a lucky day for her. This is not the second class she had to do a presentation at. No, there was another class, which was called _Oral Skills_. She always chuckled on the inside at the title of the class. What kind of a pervert suggested the name? It was really just a class of discussion and speech while using your oral parts. _Skills of Speech_ would have been a better title than _Oral Skills_.

"I _hate_ phones, I abhor technology. I know I am only twenty-two and..." Sara was cut off by laughter from the first and second row.

"You wish." Rob laughed as if he had heard the best joke in his entire life.

"Rob!" Here came the usual loud tone of angry Dr. Clement. "I am twenty-two whether you like it or not." She continued with the loud, slightly annoying tone.

"Alright, alright." Rob finally gave up, lifting both hands to the air to show he had surrendered to her will of false information giving.

"As I_ was_...saying" Loud tone, then the usual whisper. "Even though I am only twenty-two, I still hate technology. Your phones will be wherever they shall be but nowhere near my sight. If I see a phone, I will take it." She pauses. "I promise you, I will." She continues with the threat to make sure the class are taking her words seriously. "I have done it before and I am not afraid. I have taken phones to my house, scrolled through them. Looked at the pictures, the nudes, the selfies, the text messages, the sexsts, and I will do it again because I can." The class gasped in terror. Hiding their phones inside their bags or pockets or wherever they could. Tegan made a mental note to put a password on her phone just in case Dr. Evil had a grip on it. The last thing she needed is a stranger scrolling though her very embarrassing pictures trying to look seductive in a dress that made her look even more awkward than she already was. "I know you want to know the time. Trust me, I hate being here as much as you do. That is why I have a watch on my wrist and I will be out of here before you even remember it's time for me to walk out." This class was going to be hell, Tegan thought. Good thing it was the last one of a very long day.

Tegan decided to pick a schedule for only three days a week. Fifteen hours. from 8 AM. till 2 PM. A break at eleven with her three friends. She had four days of the week off. She thought she could use them for studying and raising her GPA, but such a class will most probably cause her sweat, blood, and tears and end up giving her no good results.

"Now these were my rules. Oh and I am a person who really despises the use of academic books. I would rather you write an essay from your own perspective rather than recite false information telling you what is right and was is not right from an ancient book. We will only be using the book for certain topics that I will underline. I also would appreciate if we had discussions in class and you participated because I would love to hear each and every opinion you have." A genuine smile finally was forming on her lips. Tegan thought perhaps all the introduction was an act to show she is tough and be taken seriously. "Even if you were ignorant, if you choose to stay with me, I promise you I will open the heck out of your mind and make you see." The kind of confidence this woman had was envious. Tegan wished she dared to speak like that. She wondered if she will be able to hold her head as high as Dr. Clement, having her eyes focused and directed in a way as if this world was made to be at her service. She admired such confidence when it came from women. You do not always find a woman so confident in her posture and in her speech. Tegan wanted to be this confident.

"Alright," Sara hopped on the wooden desk in the front of the classroom. She sat with her back arched up, not a single slouch, her eyes focused severely on the class in front of her. Examining the faces one by one with a blank expression. "I want you now to introduce yourselves one by one. You will mention your names, your major, and which year you are. You know this class should be taken by students of second or third year, so if you are younger than that, then...Good luck." Sara chuckled. Another wave of worry washed over Tegan's clouded mind. The girl sitting next to her was also a first year student. Good thing she had someone to share her misery with. "Okay, let's begin from the right on the first row then move to the next and so on. Even if I know you, it is fine, introduce yourself. I want you all to know and remember each other and I also want to know and remember your faces." Tegan looked and listened to everyone introducing themselves briefly. Some majored in other languages such as Italian, Spanish, German or even Chinese, some shared her major. She noticed a number of people who were also still in their first year had chosen the class. She was glad she was not the only one. When it came to Rob's turn he joked and said he wishes to forever fail this class so he could see Dr. Clement again and again. It made Tegan roll her eyes at his desperate attempt when Dr. Clement ignored him completely and did not even send him the slightest smile. When it came to Tegan's turn, Sara looked at her and blinked firmly to let her know it was her turn to speak. She introduced herself quickly, trying to gaze at any face from the faces watching her. She stuttered a bit of course as a force of habit and lisped. Sara raised an eyebrow when she heard her name and last name, but Tegan was used to such an act as everybody made a face when they heard of such a strange name. After the class finished introducing themselves, Dr. Clement had dismissed them. But before that, she told them she will put them in groups on Friday and give them the dates of their presentations as well. They need to work fast in finding a topic because the presentations will start in the second week. Tegan pulled herself up from her seat, ready to return to her dorm. She was very eager to start ranting and bitching about Dr. Clement to her roommate, Emy. She was gonna let all her anger out and make fun of the very thin lady with the very fat confidence.

**May 3rd, 2043**

Oh yes, that was the first time I have seen her. You are wondering how this woman had anything to do with the story I am telling you? Oh she is the protagonist my darling. She is the ship that barked through the ocean. Without her, the story won't be told. It won't be written. Yes, I know you are wondering how things moved from there. Oh, it took quite the time. It took a year actually. And they did not even move in the way I wanted them to be. Oh no, I do not want it any other way. I suppose...It was meant to be like that. I have always believed that if things were meant to be, then they are meant to be. You will even notice that in the story. I am a sucker for fate. It is the only thing I believe in I suppose. You know, sometimes I just need a lie to ignite a lost hope inside of me. That was my lie. Some say it is the only truth. But I believe it is one of those lies I tell my head when I am too lazy to move. If it's meant to be, then it's meant to be. Bullshit right? Oh I believe some of that bullshit so that my aching head can rest at night. Like I said, I am only telling the story to kill time. It did not really cause me some damage. Perhaps it did back when I was in my twenties, but now? Oh it is too late to even say it is too late. I am glad I still remember such an exciting time. No I do not regret anything I have done. In fact, I would have loved doing it over and over, but again, fate stepped in the way, and I must not disobey, right?


	2. Tegan with an E

**Chapter Two: Tegan with an E**

**May 3rd, 2043**

Oh no, it was not love at first sight. Definitely not love at first sight. It was fear at first sight. Why yes, it was fear. Oh, don't you laugh. Love and fear are two similar things. How? Well, both make you do what you do not want to do. Love makes you do stupid things. Foolish actions. Fear makes you avoid them, that is for sure, but you will as well do what does not appeal to you in order to survive, right? You are not catching up, aren't you? You might understand it, later. I am not speaking about the type of fear where people with authority enforce on you. No, no, no. I am speaking about the fear of losing someone. The fear of falling for someone. The fear of being around someone. That someone who can make you lose your ability of comprehensible speech. That someone who makes you sweat more than an athlete on a field just by one look into your eyes. I am speaking about the fear that you are trying to avoid, the fear of waking up one day surrounded with a shadow of emptiness. That is the fear I am speaking about. You know very well such fears come alive. You know you are on your own after all. What does that have to do with Dr. Sara Clement? Oh yes, what was I saying? It was fear at first sight. I feared that woman from the first sight and I still feared that woman even the last time I looked into her distant, cold eyes. I feared that woman even when I was a whimpering, weeping mess on her bosom. She made me jerk and jolt and the thought of her...Somehow still causes a pang inside my chest.

No, I am not sad. I am anything but sad at this moment. I actually...feel nothing. I believe I am satisfied. Yes...Satisfied is the right word. No, of course I am not happy. Who's happy these days anyway? Not me, not you, not my husband, and not even my two daughters. Nobody is happy. Even God is not happy. I mean if he was happy, would he be causing such damage to his people? You do not believe in God? That is such a relief. I wish I did not. But like I said, it feels good having someone to blame when failure emerges. I had some happy moments in life, yes. No, I was not happy at all at the time the story occurred. I was anything but happy, trust me. Even when I was swimming in the sea of love I was not happy. Happiness is not existent if you asked me. Nobody has it all. You finally have what you want, then all of a sudden you lose what you need. In order to be happy, you've got to have everything. And nobody has everything. Not even Dr. Clement. Especially not Dr. Clement. She did seem like a perfect robot at times, even in her worst conditions, but that performance was poor. It was easy to see through her mask. It had a giant hole in it. Her two eyes. They were a blazing river. A burning one. It almost felt like she had lit a fire inside her orbs. Like she was burning every passing second in order to forget it ever existed.

**Jan, 16th 2013.**

Another cold morning was not what Tegan Rain was hoping for. It was very hard for her to adapt in the cold climate of Montreal. After all, she craved the burning sun of California. She loved the sun and she loved summer. It is true she loved the rain, but the snow was not her best friend. She had spent her journey to the first class at 8 AM moaning and groaning while walking to the campus. It was very irritating having to walk in snow. And converse were not really a good choice. She should have worn rain boats, Tegan thought. She couldn't wait to grab her first cup of coffee of the day from the little cafeteria near her college. It was the only thing she looked forward to in the mornings. Tegan did not love coffee that much until she turned seventeen. She started drinking it only to stay awake in order to finish studying for her SAT exams. Slowly, she got hooked on the scent of coffee. It smelled beautiful and tasty. Coffee ended up being her only addiction at eighteen. She usually went to grab coffee in the morning then went to class early, she waited for it to begin while sipping her coffee and humming a bit with the music attached to her ears. There were few people in the class because she usually reached fifteen minutes before it started. Who would wake up that early to an 8 AM class? Tegan Rain did. No, not because she wanted to, but because Emy's alarm starts ringing at 6:30 until Emy decides to wake up. Emy, her roommate, was a heavy sleeper. She had put four alarms in order just to wake up in the morning, and somehow she never did. Tegan would wake up on the slightest stir. She was not a heavy sleeper at all. It was very hard for her to fall asleep, in fact. There were some rituals that must be done in order for Tegan to fall asleep. First of all, the dark must be present in the whole room. If there was just a tiny bit of light then Tegan would not be able to sleep. Also, there must not be even a bit of a noise. No whispering, no humming, no stirring, no shifting on the bed...Nothing. It had to be quiet for Tegan to sleep. Also, it had to be cold. Ironic right? Tegan was a human of the summer but she was not able to sleep unless she was freezing. The cold air made her body relax. It is probably why she preferred summer. In summer, she's more energetic and lively, she is even more talkative and seems brighter than ever. But in winter, Tegan's wolves took over her sanity and turned her into a very dreary, gloomy person. All she wanted to do in winter was sleep and hide under the covers of her bed. She herself did not know why. She just got depressed and rainy like the weather outside her window. Perhaps moving to cold Canada was not a very good decision, but somehow she ended up in the land of the cold and the rain. She cannot really complain, because it is what she wanted in the first place.

Tegan was barely able to keep her eyes open in the first half an hour of Oral Skills. She had spent the previous night with Emy and Jeremy in the small diner near their university. They talked about the classes, bitched about the professors, and Tegan made sure to add her little exaggerations while speaking about Dr. Clement.

"She looks like a psycho, the way she slammed the door, gosh. What is wrong with her?" Tegan giggled at the memory while sipping her Oreo milkshake.

"Oh ya, some girl with me takes Oral Skills with her, she said she scared the fuck out of the class." Emy added, taking a bite of her cheese burger sandwich.

Jeremy listened as the two girls gossiped about the mystery professor. Emy wished she could see how she looked. By Tegan's description, she seemed like a person with fashion, there were barely any professors in the English department who knew how to dress.

"It is a good thing I didn't take Oral Skills with her. I almost did but I chose the 8 AM class." Tegan sighed in relief, dipping french fries in ketchup and taking it to her mouth.

"Oral Skills?" Jeremy raised an eyebrow. "What do you guys actually learn in that?" He smirked at the brunette seated beside him in the booth.

"Definitely not dick sucking if that's what you're thinking about." Emy cut off the subtle attempts of flirtation Jeremy was trying to send his other friend. Tegan's cheeks became reddish at Emy's answer when she realized Jeremy's eyes were still on hers, he had a wide grin on his lips.

Sometimes Tegan felt Jeremy had a liking for her. But again that's how he was. He would flirt with every girl. And she was still new to him, unlike Emy who knew him since Middle School. Jeremy and Emy are very good friends. Jeremy knows most of Emy's secrets. They went to the same university, but Jeremy was majoring in Accounting. They managed to choose a certain hour for a break where all friends met and sat together. Even Lindsey, Jeremy's new friend who shared most classes as him, did sit with them. They were just getting to know her. She was very friendly and outgoing. Most men liked being around her. That's what Tegan wished she had. This charisma she lacked. The power to pull and attract men. She never really had it and nobody really tried to even flirt with her but Jeremy. That is why she was taken aback by his attempts. She thought she was just imagining things at times. He probably did not mean it that way. That's how his personality is. He flirted with every girl. He smiled at every girl that way.

The day felt extremely long. All Tegan did in the first two classes, Oral Skills and Advanced Writing, was yawn and try to keep her eyes open. She couldn't wait for the day to end so she would get back to the dorm and take a three hours nap as she usually did. She would wake up at six sometimes and stay in bed until Emy dragged her out of it. They would go out for supper. Tegan and Emy did not know how to cook. They spent every penny of their pocket money on food. It was a shame both girls were still relying on their parents for paying the college fees. Tegan always worried that she will never find a job out of her lazy habits of not even trying to look for it. But all her parents really wanted from her was to be successful with her career. They agreed on providing her with money each month and paying her university fees until she graduated and found a job. After that they wanted her to do more education wise. They wanted her to do Masters at least, but they also wanted her to get married and give them grandchildren. Tegan always felt like she will have to choose between a family and a career at the end. It concerned her not being able to see the world and try new things and it also concerned her that she would end up alone with no hand to hold and nobody to wake up to each morning.

She shared the third class of the day with Emy. It was an elective none of them cared about. The professor was an angry sexist male. Both girls tried to ignore anything he said. They weren't exactly feminists, they just did not enjoy sexism. Tegan did not even care much about such movements, but the professor clearly had a hatred towards the female population. Perhaps his wife cheated on him, Tegan thought. The class was utterly boring. Tegan fought the urge to fly off towards dream land. It was only an hour but it felt like eternity. She was not even able to speak with Emy for each person was seated according to their seat number. Emy was four seats before her. Emy was sitting beside a very good looking guy. Tegan envied Emy's luck. She always had a good one with guys even though deep inside, everybody knew Emy was not really interested in men. She kept denying it but it was easy to see through. The class ended at eleven and then they spent the break with their two other friends sitting on a bench at the back of Tegan's and Emy's college. That's where all the _cool_ kids sat at. It was known as the smoking area to be specific. Perhaps students themselves made it that throughout time, Tegan wondered. She was not a smoker but both Emy and Jeremy enjoyed the bad habit. She did not really mind as both her parents did smoke. She also remembers smoking pot back when she was sixteen with an older woman named Jenn. She quickly erased the memory as it found a way to crawl back inside her brain. Sixteen was not the age Tegan wanted to remember. She was thankful the phase she went through was over. Her mind is finally peaceful, she had found good friends at last and she is out of high school. She was glad she is not her old self, not as naive as she used to be.

"So today I heard a bitch yelling inside a classroom." Emy stated then paused. Tegan raised her left eyebrow at the random statement. "Then a girl came out of the classroom looking like somebody had robbed her or something." Emy paused again with a shrug.

"And?" Tegan was losing patience.

"Turns out this Dr. Clement of yours kicked her out." Emy burst out in laughter, while nobody from the friends joined.

"Is that supposed to make me feel good?" Tegan huffed. "This is not fucking funny, Emy. She is..." Tegan threw a glare at a grinning Jeremy. "She is an evil person."

"Oh come on." Lindsey smiled. "It was only one class you had taken with her, I'm pretty sure she was just scaring you guys. Some professors tend to do that." The usual Lindsey with her optimism and shinning personality.

"No, I am pretty sure she is a mean woman. You should'v seen the way she was sitting on that desk, staring at us as if we are pests." The usual Tegan with her pessimism and dramatic personality.

"I really do wanna see her right now. I tried to get a glimpse of her but I had to go to class." Emy stated in curiosity.

"Is she like...Hot?" Jeremy asked with a smirk. He earned an eye roll from the three women with him.

"She is good looking, I guess." Tegan shrugged. "I mean, I wouldn't really call her hot, she is just really thin and pale, but you know..." She paused. Looking straight at the wall behind Jeremy. Something she always did when trying to find the proper word or avoid eye contact. "She has a really attractive face, I guess?" The last sentence came out as a question. As if Tegan was not sure of her description.

"I'm coming to class with you one day just to see her, put that in mind." Emy offered. Or actually forced herself. Tegan did not know why Emy was so curious. Why would she even care about how a professor looked?

"You're weird Emy." Tegan giggled. "I don't think she accepts guests. Especially creepy ones like you." She smirked again as her roommate nudged her shoulder.

"You know her voice was just...Special." A red tint appeared on the brunette's face.

Jeremy whistled as he winked at Emy.

"Oh fuck off, Jeremy." Emy laughed while pushing him. "Don't let me tell them about Ms. Wight and how you pretended to faint just to see her bend in front of your face, hoping her skirt would rise up and you'd catch a glimpse of her panties." Lindsey and Tegan burst out in loud laughter which made a few faces turn. "Oops." Emy smiled slyly.

Fourth class was Computer Skills. Another subject Tegan had no idea why she had to take. She shared the class with Jeremy. This time they were able to sit next to each other. The professor was old and he did not pay much attention, which gave the room to them to whisper to each other meaningless, random topics throughout the whole class.

"I hate this class. I don't understand anything." Tegan whined in a whisper. Computer was not Tegan's favourite. Anything that required solving equations was an enemy of Tegan's. She was so glad math was away for good. But this subject was hard. The professor was explaining some mathematical equations and Tegan's brain was not catching up. How was computer even related to maths! Tegan wondered.

"Don't worry, I'll explain it to you later." Jeremy smiled softly, turning his gaze from the board to Tegan's honey coloured orbs. Tegan found herself shifting uncomfortably in her seat. Did she like the way Jeremy looked at her or did she feel uncomfortable? She liked Jeremy as a friend. He was a very good friend. A helping, nice one with a sense of humour. Emy often joked that Tegan and Jeremy should date. She's quiet and shy, he's loud and dirty minded. A total opposite which is good for Tegan. Someone to pull her out of her cocoon. But whenever Tegan thought about Jeremy in that way she found herself feeling slightly uncomfortable. Did she like him? She knew she did not, but she wondered if he liked her. She would sure like that. She wanted to be liked. It was basically her aim...Somebody to like her. Her mother often told her that in order to be liked, she must like herself first.

It was time for the last class. Tegan had to take a long walk inside the campus to reach the final class which was in her faculty. The computer class was in another faculty which was a bit far inside the university. She cursed the cold and her choice of clothing as she felt the snow tickling her ankles through her dark jeans. She was afraid she won't reach the class early and face her doom with Dr. Clement pushing her out of the class like she did with the girl. Much to her luck, she reached five minutes before the class started. She found a remaining seat in the back of the class and ran towards it. Best way to avoid evil is to stay as far as you can from it, she thought. She smiled at Kristen when she saw her waving from the third row. She wondered if she should have sat in the first rows to be on Dr. Clement's good side or just avoid her and sit in the back. It was too late to change seats anyway. All of the seats were taken in the first three rows and she had already made herself comfortable.

"Hey...Umm...Did Sara come on Wednesday?" Asked a blonde with a green shirt and a very impressive eyeliner from the row before Tegan's. It made Tegan wonder how girls can draw such good eyeliner and everytime she tried, her face looked like a canvas. It took Tegan seconds to realize she was being addressed and asked about Dr. Clement.

Sara? Did they just call her by her name? She found it very strange to call a professor by the first name. It almost made them seem as if they are as equal as the students. She refused to call her by her first name. It sounded too sweet for such a sharp personality.

"Oh ya, she pushed a girl out, closed the door on her face." Tegan spoke quickly as if she was running out of time. "Oh and threw her apple across the room." She rolled her eyes which made the girl throw her head back with a giggle.

"Typical Sara Clement. I would actually worry if she hadn't done that." The girl shrugged.

"I am really scared." Tegan sighed. Revealing to a stranger her fear of the professor. "I mean," She paused, staring straight ahead to avoid eye contact. Something she always did when nervous. "I feel like she's really mean. I am already prepared to fail this class."

The blonde laughed and shook her head. "Don't worry, she's really fair."

"You took a class with her before?" Tegan wondered why on earth someone would do such a thing.

"Mhm." The girl nodded, "This is the third class I take with her. She is a good person. Just don't piss her off." Before Tegan could say anything, Sara, like the first time, ran quickly to the classroom and the door was slammed shut. The stranger who was speaking to Tegan turned her head quickly as the whole class stopped talking.

Sara huffed and took a deep breath. Her lips curled and a sweet smile was finally painted on her lips. "Ladies." She addressed the class which was 70% females. "And sadly...Gentlemen." Throwing a smirk as some of the students chuckled. Tegan had a subtle smile upon her lips. What a strange thing to say by a female professor.

"I don't think we have latecomers." She stated the obvious as every seat was taken. Sara raised an eyebrow as she walked to the end of the very small classroom. It was one of the smallest classrooms in the faculty. Tegan liked cozy classrooms where she could hear and see the professor well even if she sat way in the back.

"Oh look who we have here." The same smirk appeared on Sara's face to the girl Tegan was speaking to earlier.

"Hey doc." The girl grinned at Sara while the older woman smiled sweetly. Something rarely happened. She either smirked slyly or scowled thoroughly.

"Jenna, aren't you already sick of me?" Jenna was the name of the nice blonde Tegan spoke to earlier.

"I would be a fool if I was." Tegan's eyes almost widened when she heard Jenna's response. What took Tegan aback was the visible shade of pink creeping up to Sara Clement's ears and cheeks. Tegan wanted to laugh when she noticed how Sara's right ear changed from its usual paleness to a rosy hue.

The smile on Tegan's face quickly disappeared when she noticed Sara's shiny eyes staring directly at her face. It happened for short seconds but Tegan could swear Dr. Clement was eyeing the piercing beneath her bottom lip. Everybody stared at her labret piercing. It was no surprise. But Sara's fiery eyes sent instant fear to Tegan's brain. She had never seen such eyes. They looked so sweet from afar but when they fell on her own set of eyes it felt as if she was staring into two holes. They felt almost like a mirror. So clear. So watery. And at the same time they seemed as if they were a burning flame.

Sara walked and reached the second row. Rob was seated on the first seat from the right. His same usual seat as the first time. Sara's small hands rested gently at his shoulder. Tegan couldn't help but roll an eye at the gesture. She sure seemed like a very flirty woman. Except when she spoke to Rob, she was as comfortable as if she was grasping wind. Head raised high. Eyes directed forward. Cunning smile on lips. Same Dr. Clement she saw. And certainly no rosy ears. Just very pale ones.

"Males." Sighed the professor. "Why do I have the male species in my classes again?" She shook her, "I hate men." Here came the same loud tone from the first class. Oh boy, she sure had issues, hadn't she? "How and why were they even created?" The usual calm whisper. "We could have lived in peace and quiet without you." Dear Lord, is she another bitter divorced woman? Oh she must be, Tegan thought. Nothing explains such a behavior. She seemed serious, it did not even seem that she was joking. Or perhaps that's how she is. Because Rob did not even seem offended, he was just laughing along with other students, Jenna was one of them.

Much to Tegan's surprise, Sara turned out to be a very good professor. She started by explaining Communication as it was the first chapter they needed to take. Even though she threw her book to the ground and it ended up torn on the dirty floor, Sara was explaining with details everything they needed to know. Her font was a disaster, students were barely able to comprehend what was written in order to take notes. "If any of you make fun of my font, you will be kicked out." Sara warned. "I have the _best font_, that's what you need to keep in mind." Another eerie Sara remark. Good, she thinks she's twenty-two, she hates men, and she thinks she has the best font. What's next? She's gonna make the class believe she is a unicorn?

Tegan almost giggled at her professor's struggle to reach high areas on the board. She was quite short, but Tegan too was as short, maybe an inch or two taller, but she also struggled with high places.

This time Sara was actually wearing a black and white dress. Yes a dress. Not a fancy one for sure. It was very simple. She was wearing black tights underneath and the same oxford shoes which Tegan thought were cute. Still no hints of make up on her very pale face and the same hair as the first time.

At the end of the lecture, Sara started taking attendance. Tegan's name was way in the back of the list. Sara first squinted her eyes at the name then mumbled an "Ah" and looked quickly at Tegan, noting she already remembered who the name belonged to.

"Taygan right?" Sara asked while looking at the sheet.

"Tegan with an E." Quickly corrected Tegan. It always infuriated her that people were always mispronouncing her name.

"Alright, Tegan with an E." Shook her head while she grinned, Sara winked at the brunette sitting way in the back.

What? A wink? Did she just? A wink? Tegan earned a wink? And why Jenna was beaming at red faced Tegan? Why was Tegan blushing? Tegan's flowing thoughts were completely stopped when a sheet was on her desk. Quickly, she skimmed through it to realize it was the presentations dates and groups. She searched her name and gasped almost loudly when she found her name, with other two unfamiliar names, at the top of the sheet. She had the first ever date. Exactly next week. She was going to be first to present with two strangers she doesn't know. It was going to be her first ever presentation as a university student. She almost wanted to punch someone at this moment. She yet had to know who she was presenting with and they had to agree on a topic and perfect it. Tegan was doomed. This subject was already her least favourite.

**May 3rd, 2043**

That was the first time she winked at me. It certainly was not the last time. Everytime those eyes of her sent a wink my way, I almost found myself secluded from the outside world. It was as if the time had stopped moving and I was the only present human on earth. Oh let's cut the cheesiness. But trust me, that's exactly how I felt back then. The insides of my stomach partied at her gaze. It is true her eyes did scare me. They frightened me. But staring at them was quite the addiction. It is strange though. You see, I have the same hazel eyes as hers. Same colour for sure. But the difference was her eyes shined, mine dimmed. Hers were like a reflecting mirror, mine were like an old hard wall. It is true her eyes had fire in them, but often, when she was calm and content, the river seemed free out of all burdens. It was like pure water. You would just want to swim inside. She had water and she had fire. What strange two elements to be in ones eyes. I only had soil in mine. She did say I have water but really, I barely saw it.

This whole elements talk is confusing you, isn't it? How would you even understand it? I cannot blame you. You have never met her. Never seen her. Never looked into her eyes. Oh, I wrote poems about her eyes. Many of them. Yes, you could call me a hopeless romantic. That is for sure who I am. But it was hard to ignore such pearls. Oh I know, I know. I talked a lot about her eyes. No, no I moved on trust me. I told you, it's the first time I tell this story to anyone. If after all these years, I still hadn't moved on, then I wouldn't be married with children, now would I? Do I seem like someone who didn't move on?


	3. Thunder Girl

**Chapter 3: Thunder Girl**

**May 3rd, 2043**

Am I really that much of a cold person to you? I know I am not. It's been thirty years. You cannot expect me to shed tears about her. They would be called crocodile tears. She liked to call them _alligator tears_. Why so? Oh, I don't really know. But she once said crocodiles are much bigger and stronger than alligators. And I was small and weak. Oh yes, I cried a lot, mostly for no reason. She used to hate my whining and complaining. Sometimes she would laugh at it. It bothered me. She got on my last nerves at times. What a tease, right? Oh, I don't seem like someone who cries much? You make me chuckle. These tears are now frozen. For sure they are. I suppose I became as cold as Canada within the years. As cold as her perhaps. I once heard my husband speak ill of me to his friend. He said I was the iceberg and he was the Titanic. It doesn't seem as an insult to you? Oh well, it did seem like that to me. Didn't the Titanic sink? The people froze to death in the mighty ocean, didn't they? Exactly. It was an insult.

She was not exactly what you'd like to call a _bitch_. She was certainly not a bitch. Even though I called her that plenty of times, to her face and behind her back, she was not really one. I mean, we all have our moments, don't we? Don't you dare blame it on the fact we are females. In the male kingdom, they tend to get worse than a bitch can be. You know that well. I am very sure you do. I am not hating here. I am a feminist, yes but no, I am not a hater to anyone. Back in the days, feminism had bad connotations to it. Sadly, I know. I did not even know or comprehend what being a feminist really is until I met her. I, myself was slightly uncomfortable by the idea of being a feminist. You could say she changed many concepts that I held before getting to know her. Where was I? Oh right, now I recall. I was saying, she's not a bitch, but to some people, including Emy, she was the biggest bitch they had ever known.

**2013**

"Emy, leave me the fuck alone with my own misery." Tegan threw her face once again on her soft pillow, shutting her eyes with a groan slipping out of her pouty lips. She had spent all weekend whining, nagging, and moaning about the fact she had to do a presentation in front of Dr. Evil with two strangers who she did not even know. Tegan Rain had a habit of complaining. It was one of her worst habits. Worrying and anxiety were what she perfected the most. If Tegan did not find something to wail about, then something was not quite right. It took Emy sometime to get used to it. First, she hated that about Tegan, she always scolded her, trying to get her to stop her constant nagging, later on she discovered that this is just a part of Tegan's hard to deal with personality. If quiet was descendant on Tegan then there must be something awfully wrong. Tegan either spoke with enthusiasm, pointing and aiming with her hands unconsciously, or cried about the silliest dilemmas facing her. Quiet was just not a part of Tegan's life. Tegan means chaos, disorder, confusion, anxiety, noisiness, and loudness. Silence was only present when Tegan was asleep, or was trying to sleep.

"Why are you making such a big deal out of it?" Emy rolled her eyes as she scooted closer to Tegan's body on the mattress. "Just pick a topic instead of crying about it." She removed the white and red blanket away from Tegan's lying form, revealing her face facing the white pillow, her hair greasy and sticking everywhere it could be. She only earned another groan from bratty Tegan. "Goddamn it, Tee. You always do that to yourself. You worry way too much, ache everybody's heads then end up getting a full mark or something, when are you gonna grow up?" Emy preached, moving her pale right hand to rub Tegan's wife-beater-clad back. Tegan's face shifted to the side, staring from the corner of her eyes at her roommate who was leaning against the light blue wall. "Look Tee, you have two classes before your presentation, which is next week. Today is only Saturday." She huffed as Tegan's face returned facing the slightly sweat-covered pillow. "You can pick a topic and arrange with the two other girls to pick ones they want to do. Didn't she say you don't have to do the same thing?" Emy now earned a subtle head movement which she took as a nod. "Alright, great." She lowered her face to Tegan's pillow, inches away from resting her head next to Tegan's. "Then you choose a culture, do some research, and practice." Tegan's head shifted again as her eyes also opened to face Emy's blue ones. Emy made it seem so easy. As if she had solved the economical issue or found a cure for a dangerous disease. It made Tegan light up instantly. Once somebody soothed her and assured her things are going to be fine, Tegan's worry instantly vanished. It was a shame she always needed people to control the thoughts inside her head. "You can really use the Japanese, Chinese, or Korean cultures, you know. They are not a safe choice, they are rich with fascinating details and not many choose them since most of the students always aim for Europe or India." Emy always gave Tegan good advices. She was a year older and had experienced more classes and more faces than Tegan did inside this university. Plus, she was already from Canada and Tegan was still new to the place, so being around Emy was a blessing Tegan was not fully aware of.

"Thank you, Em." Whispered Tegan, sitting up slowly while rubbing her eyes. She pushed the sheets further, revealing her bare, pale legs and tight, maroon boxer briefs. She reached over to Emy's lying form, almost ending up on top of her, giving her a quick hug before she was pushed away swiftly by Emy.

"Jesus Tegan, go take a shower, you're sweaty as fuck." Tegan grinned widely, showing more gums than teeth when her lower lip covered her upper teeth.

"Oh Em, you're disgusted?" She smirked pushing her right armpit in Emy's nose. Emy pushed her off once again and got up from her messy bed.

"Wow, you're such a lady." Emy scoffed with an eye roll accompanied by a sweet smile. This was the Tegan she wouldn't mind being around. Even if she was a sweaty, smelly, sitting around in an underwear and a wife-beater Tegan, it still won over crying, depressed, whining Tegan. "Seriously, just go shower quickly because I'm really hungry and I promised Jeremy and Lindsey we won't be late." Emy walked to her closet rummaging for an outfit to wear for their night out.

"Aren't we going to the bar?" Tegan grabbed a clean underwear and a bra as she looked through her clothes, trying to decide if she should go with skin tight, dark jeans, or the light blue skinny jeans which accentuated her hips.

"Yup." Looking at a stripped white and navy sweater, Emy nodded her head. All four friends went to the local bar each Saturday. Tegan barely liked to drink. One beer was more than enough for her while her other friends always ended up at least tipsy if not completely drunk.

Tegan had decided to go with the light blue skinny jeans, a green and red plaid shirt and an olive coloured army jacket with her favorite red and white converse. She was having a bad hair day so she decided to have a tiny ponytail to tame her brown locks, leaving the side bangs resting on her face. When she tied her hair it made her wide jaw become more visible and made her look more masculine than she usually was, especially with the choice of clothing she had on.

"Looking handsome, Tegan." Jeremy smirked at his friend when she and Emy joined them on the table in the dark bar.

"Thanks." Mumbled Tegan as she gave her guy friend a gummy smile.

"You guys look like a lesbian couple." Lindsey commented with a warm-hearted laugh. Emy was wearing the stripped sweater she picked with dark skinny jeans, leaving her hair resting gently on her shoulders.

Both Tegan and Emy looked at each other and laughed. Emy's laugh had hints of nervousness in it. Tegan knew Emy wasn't completely straight even though her motto was always '_Deny, deny, deny' _so she just threw her a genuine smile which made Emy relax a bit.

"Emy, don't turn Tegan gay, you're already affecting her style." Jeremy smirked at scowling Emy.

"Oh come on, since when did I ever wear skirts and dresses, shut up Jeremy." Tegan defended herself and her friend on the way. "Nobody can ever change me." She beamed, showing her gums to everybody.

"Why is that creepy woman keeps looking at our table?" Lindsey interjected, eyeing a petite woman looking like she is in her mid twenties. As soon as everybody connected eyes with her, she turned her head facing her half empty beer bottle.

"Holy fuck." Tegan whispered loudly, earning her friend's attention. "That's her." She whispered again in an alarmed tone. The woman was seated only inches away from the table they were seated at. She was sitting alone with an opened book in front of her.

"Who?" Emy asked a little bit too loud.

"Shhhh." Tegan's hand moved to cover Emy's mouth. Her eyes connecting once again with the woman who once again shifted her gaze to the open book, pretending she was not paying attention to the four teenagers sitting in the table next to hers.

"It's the devil." Tegan whispered, gaining raised eyebrows from her friends. "Dr. Sara Clement." She explained.

"Holy motherfucking cow." Emy whispered in an excited loud tone. Typical Emy, never able to contain her reactions. "She's hot."

Guilt spread through Tegan's body when Sara finally stood up. She shouldn't have made a scene out of it, especially not when seated next to loud Emy. She knew her professor was aware they were speaking about her but she hoped Sara didn't even recognize her from class. After all, she only saw her twice, and Tegan was pretty sure Sara, being the proud, confident woman she is, didn't even pay attention to someone as ordinary and dull as Tegan.

"That ass of hers." Jeremy grinned widely staring at a walking Sara as she left the bar. "You're so fucking lucky, Tee." Jeremy remarked, licking his bottom lip.

"Tame your fucking hormones, Jeremy." Emy scoffed "What a pervert." She rolled her eyes, taking her last chance to eye Sara's swaying hips as she left.

Tegan shook her head at her two friends. They will never grow up. Lindsey gave her a sympathetic smile, showing her she understood that her friends can be childish at times. But Tegan couldn't really deny that her professor was indeed in a great shape. She was wearing a brown leather jacket with a white top underneath. Hugging her thighs a really tight, blue skinny jeans. It's the first time she sees her in jeans. She always thought Dr. Clement was the mini skirt or suit kind of a woman. But perhaps that's only her work attire, thought Tegan.

On Monday, Tegan hurried to the class a bit earlier despite the cold and snow covered campus. She needed to speak with the two girls presenting with her on Friday. She got a hold of the first girl, Sandra, and the brunette with dark curly hair assured her that everything will be fine and will be under control. Tegan and Sandra arranged to write an introduction about _Difference_ in general then get into difference between cultures specifically. Tegan wanted to speak about Korea and Sandra chose Italy since she was majoring in the Italian language. Unluckily, their third partner wasn't being much of a help. She came to class about twenty seconds before Dr. Clement entered it. And when the class ended, she quickly left before they had a chance to speak with her. Tegan's brain is showered with anxiety again. She always found it easy to worry rather than relax and mind her own business. She worried about the third girl and she did not even need to. Sandra promised she'd talk to Megan, the third partner, but Tegan's mind just carried on with overthinking that she will fail because of her two partners. Being a perfectionist wasn't always a good thing.

Since today is sunny, Sara Clement decided to only give her students half an hour of the class. She wanted to sit outside in the sun. It was a very rare occasion when the sun shone in such a month in Canada. Sara did not want to waste it, as she told the class. When Tegan's name came up in the attendance list, Sara read it correctly, without any eye twitches, smirks or any subtle hints that Sara and Tegan had seen each other on Saturday night in the local bar. Tegan believed that Sara did not even recognize her with the dimmed lights and her hair in a ponytail.

Since Tegan left the class early, she decided to go to the usual place she and her friends spent their free time at university at, behind Tegan's faculty where students smoked and chatted. Usually that place is where professors move from one faculty to another since it was in the back, it was also where most of the cars were parked at, of course only people who worked inside the university were able to park their cars in there, students had their own parking lots in other place. Tegan and her friends often found professors speaking with some students or passing by, but they never saw any professor sitting casually where the students sat at. Today was kind of strange. Sara Clement with all her shinning glory was seated on a bench, right beneath the ray of the shy sun. Same book from Saturday in hand, legs crossed with so much manner, back arched in grace, eyes focused on the tiny words. Tegan couldn't help herself but stare at the exquisite charm her professor was radiating. This time Sara was clad in black trousers, black button downs, a cotton red jacket left unbuttoned, and beige oxfords. She sure loved these shoes, Tegan thought admiringly. She herself had five different types of converse and three Doc. Martens. Which is what she decided to wear today with her creamy sweater, brown cardigan and her skin-tight, black skinny jeans, since converse were a bad idea to walk in the snow-covered ground the previous week.

"Aren't you the thunder girl?" The heat immediately crept up to Tegan's face when she realized she was being addressed by Sara Clement, her professor who was sitting alone while she creepily admired her from afar. Tegan did not notice that Sara was aware of her dreamy stares, she should have been more careful than to let her professor know she was being spied on.

"It's uh...Rain, Tegan Rain." Tegan once again corrected, shifting in her place from side to side. She bit her lower lip, dragging her piercing along. It made Sara's golden spheres shift towards her lips for mere seconds before they moved up to stare directly at Tegan's ones.

"Well, why don't you come closer, Tegan Rain?" Tegan couldn't help but gulp, turning her head to the side as quickly as the passing wind as if Sara was speaking to someone else, then moving with a steady pace towards her professor. Once again, Tegan found herself frightened by the two tiny holes on Sara's face. These eyes, she could swear the inside was an empty river. How could ones eyes look that empty, that reflective, that charming, that fiery all at the same time? Was Sara Clement even a human being? Perhaps she was a vampire. That would explain the awfully pale skin and youthful looks. "You seem shifty thunder girl, have you done a naughty deed?" A smirk formed on the sitting brunette. Was she hinting anything about the bar on Saturday? Tegan wondered. Few students passed by and said hi to Dr. Clement. To each she smiled genuinely and nodded her head. Dr. Clement must be liked among her students or else they would have pretended they have not seen her. When Tegan opened up her mouth to finally respond, Sara's pouty lips were already much quicker than hers. "Rain seems too soft for a lady like you, thunder girl." Unable to catch up, Tegan's eyes were squinted in puzzlement. Sara chuckled and smiled. "You seem very stormy, Ms. Rain." Sara half giggled at her own attempt of pun. Tegan couldn't help but give her one of her warm gummy smiles. "You look harsh, kind of tough even. Not quite sure if it is your jaw, or perhaps your piercing, or your eyes." Who is this woman and is she reading through Tegan's soul? How does she even know her personality and what is she like? She was pointing out Tegan's eyes when hers were the most frightening eyes Tegan had ever seen. Maybe only Tegan saw her eyes that way. Who knows? Tegan was very startled to come up with a quick answer, a silent _'Oh'_ all that slipped her lips, making her professor lower her head and chuckle.

"Hey Tee, don't you have a class?" Hurrying, Emy ran to stunned, standing Tegan. Seconds later she realized the woman Tegan was speaking with is Sara Clement, the evil professor Tegan feared. The one who winked at Tegan and now was analyzing her personality as if she knew her since ever. Emy puffed the smoke out of her lugs while holding her cigarette between her index and middle finger. She beamed at the two women, feeling as awkward as one can be.

"I..." Tegan started but was hastily interrupted.

"Can you please not smoke in my presence ma'am?" Sara asked, not in a kind or gentle manner. No, in an irritated tone. Her mirror eyes becoming two hard stones. Tegan noticed the instant change. The water turned into ice, or perhaps fire. A cold one.

"Uh...This is where everybody smokes." Emy rolled her eyes. She did not care much, after all, she was not taking any class with Dr. Clement. "Plus, it's a students area, you can't tell me where to go." Emy shrugged, gaining a glare from her friend. Emy was dragging herself and Tegan along to the pits of hell. Who dares speak in such manner to Sara Clement? Tegan was probably doomed because of her friend's foolish act.

"Indeed it is a place for students to sit at, and I am very aware it is a smokers' place" Sara's infamous smirk, which Tegan grew used to by now, appeared on her lips once again. "But hasn't your mama taught you any manners, ma'am?" Oh no, this is getting serious, Tegan thought. How will she pull herself out of it now? Should she just back away slowly while they sorted their little issue which Sara was going to win at anyway then fail Tegan and perhaps even cause her to be kicked out of university? Or just stay still, pretending she barely knows Emy? Tegan went with the latter option.

"My mum has taught me manners, Doctor. I am not misbehaving if that's what you're suggesting." It is true Emy did not really do anything wrong. It was Sara who attacked at first.

"Well then," Sara nodded, smirk still plastered on her perfect looking face. "You either throw your cigarette, or flee for now until I am done speaking with Ms. Rain." Sara paused, no more smirking. "I would prefer the second option if you asked me." She basically kicked Emy in a gentle way. That was bitchy of her, Tegan thought. Emy did not deserve this, but who was she to tell Sara off and defend her friend? She had to pass this class and be done with such a weirdo, right?

Sara watched as Emy took off, mumbling incoherent words. Tegan just stood still the way she was before getting interrupted. Yes she was too frightened to even move an inch. "I don't like that girlfriend of yours, thunder girl"

Tegan's eyes popped wide open, making Sara raise an eyebrow at her. Girlfriend? What girlfriend? She and Emy? Oh God no, that's super wrong. "She's not my girlfriend. She's my roommate. We're just friends. I am not gay. Neither is she, I guess. She's not my girlfriend." Tegan spoke speedily, if she was in a speaking contest of who could speak faster within a second, she'd be in the first place, taking the trophy home. But that's how Tegan was, when nervous, only words coming out of her mouth without even processing them inside her mind. Her lisp was even very noticeable now. She cursed silently, taking deep breaths, wondering why on earth did she lose it in front of Sara. Why such accusation made her jump? What an idiot, she thought.

"Oh, thunder girl." Sara stood up, shaking her head with laughter. "You see now why thunder suits you better than rain?" No. Tegan was not following up. Will Sara be speaking in puzzles all the time? Did she even know what she was talking about? "The rain is too soft, too gentle, too quiet to be for someone like you." Sara inched closer to Tegan's shaky form "You are jumpy, shaky, stormy, windy, you are anything but rainy. You are like the thunder. Too quiet, then too loud. You jump, just like that. Just like the thunder." Okay, now this person was not making any sense. Oh, Tegan gets it, she's one of those people who tries to seem very intelligent, saying silly, poetic shit in order to appear sophisticated. Yup, that's who she is. No wonder students liked that. But Tegan won't fall into her trap. She is just trying to let Tegan surrender and worship the ground she walks on. Oh no, Tegan saw through her, or so she thought. "Good luck with your presentation, thunder girl." A tap on Tegan's button nose and a wink. And that's how Sara Clement walked off, leaving Tegan Rain...Or Tegan Thunder (No no, it seems wrong, Tegan Rain is better, Sara was saying bullshit after all.) standing there with mouth wide open. What the fuck did just happen?

**May 3rd, 2043**

Yes yes, she was indeed a mega bitch with Emily. Oh, that's Emy's actual name. Sara liked to call her Emily. They never really liked each other. But Sara had her bitchy moments that even I, couldn't stand being around her. Even later on in the story, she never really did soften. That hard shell she had on was always on. But oh well, at least at times she was endearingly stripped off all her demons. These were the only times we really did connect. I wouldn't deny though, if it wasn't for her bitchy personality, I wouldn't have fallen into her sinful spell. No no, I wouldn't have been trapped. But all in all, she was a good person to me, a great woman, a loving friend, a dear sister, a gentle mother, and a sweet, warm, crazy little lover. She was all those to me. She took care of me and I couldn't thank her enough for allowing me to sob on her heavy chest, allowing me to be the thunder she always thought I was.

You know, you're the first to tell me that she was flirting with me. With all the hints of flirting I could count, it never occurred to me that her telling Emy off was an act of jealousy. But you know what that reminds me of? Of a part in the story when she wanted to know whom I was in love with and whom I was dating. Oh Christ, I just connected some things together. I have never paid attention to that. You really did open my eyes. You want me to tell you about that? Oh, no no no, you must wait. That part is way later in the story. Why yes, it's kind of a long one. I know, things are slow, but that's how the story went. If you really want to know what happened, you must sit and let me spell it out.


	4. Constant Denial

**Chapter 4: Constant Denial**

**May 3rd, 2043**

People do change my friend. We all go through a lot of changes. As much as we like to think it's just maturity we have reached, as much as it is just another phase we transported to and we will leave it one day to move to another. And when we look back, we laugh and cringe at our foolish and wacky actions. To perpetuate is the task of life. Growing up, moving, changing. The dynamic journey we take on the thread of life. Sometimes these changes happen with experiences, sufferings, hardships, and pains. They shape us to be who we are, they change us, right? Correct. And sometimes an outsider all of a sudden springs out of nowhere to change every aspect in our lives. They reform our basic knowledge. They fix our perspectives. They might not make of us a better person. No, no, no. We do think we are better people, but when we look back, we notice that they just made us see, open our eyes, look through an open window, light up the dimness inside our minds. And when we think about it, we wonder if it weren't for that person, would we have become who we are today? Would we still be the way we were before? I still haven't found an answer for that. Because you see, people come and go. They manage to glue their imprint on you. Within time some imprints wither and wash off, some stick there on you like a damn tattoo. They haunt you, they creep up on you at night before you fall asleep. They creep up to your silent mind and colour it with unforgettable scenes. These people are part of what shapes you and gives you the personality you hold until your dying day.

Sara Clement was one of these people. She was the glue that had never washed off. The tattoo of a halo buried in the back of my head. People do not see it. They do not recognize it. I am not wearing it like the fabric on my tired body. But I see it everyday. I know it. I feel it in my heart, on my tongue, inside my eyes. On the road, in the sky. In every song, in every poem I read and write. Her permanent halo as shiny as the day she lit a fire inside my chest, didn't wear off, didn't rust. And that day, just that day when she started speaking her heart out, afraid of the judgmental humans surrounding her sinful sainthood, was the same day my murky mind decided to break all my hinged doors and all my shattered windows. And then with two eyes I saw. Slowly, it started unraveling. I stopped denying. Very slowly, but it happened. And when it happened...It never returned to the way it was before.

**January 2013**

"The thing is," Sara Clement pauses, taking a breath. "University is a whole other world. It's very different than high school." It is Wednesday. Tegan's presentation is in two days. She had prepared well and even memorized her part by heart. She is now calm and less anxious that everything is finally under control. The third partner, Megan, had chosen to speak about Turkey.

"Now I have to be honest with you," Sara Clement, seated on top of her wooden desk instead of the chair specialized for her, spoke. "_I hate_ high school. I hated it so much." Tegan's ears perked up at that information her inhumane-looking professor had said. Something they both shared in common, something humane. Hatred, a feeling. Maybe Sara Clement wasn't a vampire after all. But vampires do have feelings too. Silently, she wondered what is the reason that made such a confident, strong woman hate high school. She seems to be as if she was one of the popular girls. She did not seem to be as the type to get bullied, the opposite in fact, she seemed to be the smirking bully staring at a whimpering, shaking girl.

Tegan had many reasons why she hated high school. First of all, girls making fun of her, calling her all sorts of names and titles. She cannot forget how a girl in the locker room in 11th grade casually called her _'Cow'_ when she was describing her body shape. The girl was not even aware she called her that until Tegan's tears started flowing out of her eyes. She had never felt as weak as she did back then. Her few friends called her an idiot for crying and feeding the girl's ego. She was sure an idiot for doing that. Tegan being a sensitive girl was never helpful in high school or in life in general. That's why after high school she took an oath to herself to be stronger than she was. She was trying, that's for sure, but really, she was never that stronger. Maybe a bit more careless. She had changed her style a bit after high school. She got a piercing beneath her lower lip. She liked how edgy it made her look. She started wearing clothes that are slightly more baggy and less feminine than the ones she liked to wear in high school. She knew too well the reason behind her wardrobe change was the fact she was titled _'Titty Tegan'_ due to her large breasts. She could hear boys and girls whispering "Did you see Titty Tegan's tits in that shirt today?" "Damn bro, look at her tits." or other types of sexual harassment as she passed through the halls of the school. Tegan herself did not understand the craze about her breasts. She was curvy in every right way, but she was thin as well. Her stomach was toned and it even showed subtle lines of a six pack. Her thighs had the right amount of meat on them. Her breasts weren't really out of this world but when they came with her small form they looked more prominent, especially due to the fact that she was slim and wasn't very tall. That's why they stood out the most, especially when she wore tight blouses or sweaters. She did not want the attention to be on her body parts at university, so she started covering up with jackets, bigger sizes of shirts, and wearing sports bras instead of regular ones at times. It is a shame she is that anxious about her body but people did not cut her a slack, these insecurities did not rise out of the blue, they had a reason, which was the constant mocking and taunting.

"University is different." Continued Sara, pulling Tegan away from her thoughts. "High school is nothing. You are surrounded by the same people each day, five days a week for several hours. Same teachers each year. Same faces, same routine. But then you go to university and there is this big world in front of your eyes and you are shocked at first, right?" Sara asked rhetorically, but earned few nods from her students. "You meet new people, new cultures. People from different places and different countries can become your roommate. Your culture is different than your roommate's and so on. That's when intercultural interaction happens. That's when you start gaining knowledge. You start to see. To understand and comprehend. That's when the stereotypes and centralization or generalization you held against some people of other cultures fade. That's when you become more of an accepting human being. Pardon my French, but that's when you stop being a dumbass." The students laugh and a couple of guys cheer. Sara chuckles at her students and stands up. She once again walks to the end of the class. Leaning against the cold wall. Tegan was on the first seat from the right in the last row. Sara was standing right next to her. As Sara spoke, Tegan's eyes shifted to stare right at Sara's moving lips, watching every word she says as her focus was directed at the class in front of her. A few students had their backs turned to stare at their professor who stood way in the back inside the small classroom. Some stared straight ahead and only listened and took notes.

"By the way, same thing goes to religions. Why can't we accept people from other religions? Why do we go around shaming others? So what if your friend was an atheist? So what if he or she were religious? So what if you did not like what they did? Suck it up. It's none of your damn business. We are all people and we live in this world in order to meet other, become friends, love each other, interact, feel things for each other. Some silly characteristics should not really make us fear being around people who are different from us. Cause trust me, we are _all_ different." Tegan couldn't help but smile at every word her professor was saying. It was actually the first class she enjoyed listening to its professor and did not wander off to daydream land. "I wouldn't want to talk about this right now, but the same thing applies to homosexuality. I want to talk about this in another class. Sexuality and gender in general but..." Sara's eyes looked down only to be connected with two other matching hazel orbs. Tegan's cheeks immediately flushed when Sara's lips curled into a warm smile. She hadn't realized how hard she was focused on Sara's face. Tegan's eyes roamed around studying every small detail on her pale face. Her protruding cheek bones, her jaw line, the pout of her lips, her button nose, the faint bags underneath her eyes, the scar beneath her lower lip, her two hazel orbs which caused goosebumps on Tegan's fully covered skin, even her lisp, she was able to notice how it happened. Perhaps Sara had flaws, thought Tegan. When their eyes met, Sara's eye colour dimmed for the first time. She had never seen such a sight. Suddenly, fire becoming water. Suddenly, her eyes seemed frightened rather than frightening. Tegan saw it, she just saw it, the vulnerability she was searching for. It was visible, very visible, showing through mirrors of honey. Sara's confidence was built up from every obstacle she had gone through, that's what Tegan realized. She just wondered what could these things be. It was the first time she had wondered about Dr. Clement. The first time a professor seemed that interesting that she'd wished she was able to read their mind.

"But what?" Tegan only realized she had whispered these words with a raspier tone than ever when the words had left her mouth. She cleared her throat immediately, more pink creeping up to her flushed cheeks. She did not understand what was happening to her. Since when was she so interested in what a professor was saying? Why did she want to know?

Sara took a deep breath eyeing the turned faces. "But nothing. This is a class about cultures, so forget it." Few whispers here and there were heard in the class. Tegan never thought very confident Sara Clement can appear so hesitant and scared. "It's just..." Sara took another breath. "Look, I don't want to be one of those people who dismiss such a subject. I know it's 2013, I know this is Canada, but I also know that half of the people sitting here in this class are homophobic from every facial expression I get whenever I say the word 'Homosexuality'." Tegan's eyes shifted from Sara's speaking mouth to her classmates, trying to figure out if Sara was talking about someone in particular. "And I also know these who are homophobic to themselves, living in constant denial, I can see them, feel them." When Tegan's eyes shifted back to her speaking professor. She couldn't help but slightly jump at the connection that happened once again. Sara was eyeing Tegan with flaming spheres as she said the last sentence. Tegan furrowed her eyebrows not knowing what was Sara's deal.

Sara walked once again to face her students. "Homosexuality is a subject that needs to be discussed fully and given all amount of attention. But I will say this, just like cultures, sexuality is varied, you love who you love right?" No response. "If you can really accept a person from another culture, why can't you accept a person who loves the same sex, or a person who loves both sexes? Why is that so hard for you to digest? I know some of you right now are like, _'What is this fool saying, she doesn't even know what she's talking about, she's probably not religious and is forcing her opinion on us.'_ I know what some of you are saying. I know that too well. These are all excuses, we all like to make up excuses to feed our brain to justify some actions we do. It's normal, that's what you think." Sara paused again. Tegan could swear this woman was a bit drunk. She was moving from subject to another, saying whatever her mind comes up with, preaching about this and about that at the same time, yet, all of it made sense to Tegan, all of it made her sit and listen. "Except it's not that normal when we come to realize that we are treating others according to criteria we have made. We want everybody to be just like us, to love the people we love, to dress the way we dress, to grow their hair the way we grow it, to fit in, to be a part of the circle. And if somebody is different, then they are out of the circle we unconsciously drew, and when they are out of that circle that's when that person becomes a minority, an outsider to us. That's when interaction becomes harder and harder." Tegan was not following up anymore. She knew a few faces had the same blank look she had on hers. Was anybody even understanding anything? "The more we grow up, the more we notice this circle we were in had gotten smaller, and then we notice the circles around us, small circles everywhere. Small groups since some of you seem lost. That's when interaction becomes harder but it becomes more fun, more dynamic, that's when groups conjoin and that's how we are so different and mixed. That's how, I, Sara Clement, with my boyish hair that all of you hate, my style that throws a few people off, and my attitude that is considered rude, standing here in front of you who are also very different than myself, and each and every one of you is different than the other." A smile finally appeared on Dr. Clement's face. Tegan once again found herself smiling on the inside. The idea of Sara Clement being self deprecating splashed ambiguous excitement inside of Tegan's mind. She did not understand why the few hints of imperfection that woman showed made her body jolt with wicked happiness. But Tegan found herself denying everything Sara had said about herself. She wondered if she was the only one who loved Sara's hair, her half androgynous and half feminine style. Perhaps her attitude threw Tegan off at times, but she couldn't deny that she wanted to own such an attitude when she grew up. Only then, Tegan realized she is admiring the woman standing before her eyes. Maybe that's why she wanted to know everything about her now, it was pure admiration. Tegan had never admired anybody before, but now she knows that this is how it feels, wanting to become like somebody when you grow up.

Tegan's thoughts once again were interrupted, this time by a loud phone ringtone forcing Dr. Clement to stop her speech of confusion only to straighten herself and narrow her eyes at every student in the class. "Whose phone is that?" The ringtone was an auto-tuned, hip-hop song that Tegan couldn't help but make a face when the audio reached her ears.

A girl with a tight green, half sleeves V neck took her phone out of her pocket as everybody stared at her, waiting for a reaction from Dr. Clement. "Can I please go outside to get that? It's my dad, it's very important." The girl's hair was light brown and reached her shoulders, she had blue eyes and her face was clear of make up. It reminded Tegan of her friend, Emy, though she had to admit, Emy was slightly prettier, and her skin seemed softer than the girl's.

"No." That's the only thing that came out of Sara Clement's mouth. Tegan was waiting for the outburst. She was waiting for the volcano to erupt, but nothing, just a simple, cold and dry 'No'.

"Please Doctor, it's very important, it's an emergency, I have to pick it up." The girl pleaded, not knowing that one last strike and Sara was going to turn into the monster the class feared. This girl sure hadn't showed up to the first two classes when Sara talked about her hatred of cell phones, Tegan thought, and she was correct.

"First thing first, you showed up a week late to the class," Sara furrowed her eyebrows as she spoke in the same very calm tone she always faked, followed by the loud, irritating one that Tegan disliked. "And now your phone is ringing, while I am speaking." Here comes the loud tone. Good thing Tegan sat in the back. "And not only it's ringing, but, you're lying, saying it's your dad when I'm pretty sure it's either your boyfriend or someone else..."

"Oh no, it's my dad, It really is, here, see." The girl stretched her hand out with her phone now buzzing after turning it into vibration mode.

"Do not interrupt." Said Sara slowly. "All that and you still want to talk on the phone?" Okay, maybe Tegan was wrong, no, no, no, she does not want to be like Sara anymore. That woman had serious anger issues. She whispers then shouts, whispers again then shouts, smiles then scowls, that is not what Tegan wanted. She just wanted the confidence, not the arrogance and the anger that came along. "I don't want to give a class anymore, everybody get out." Tegan watched as her professor was slowly losing it. Slowly? No, she did lose it, she just dismissed the whole class because of a phone ringing. Tegan watched as nobody stood up. Everybody stayed in their seats shocked and in loss for words. "Did you not hear me?" Sara faked a smile. Tegan wondered why she did such a thing. "I think I said get out. That means, all of you, get the hell out." Slowly, the class started exiting the tensed classroom. What Tegan did not understand was why didn't Sara just leave the class on her own. That was the moment when Tegan started searching for clues on why Sara behaved in such a way. She wondered if it was intentional or she just couldn't control her anger. She wondered if Sara Clement had any friends and if they tolerated such eerie change of mood around her. Perhaps Sara only did that around her students, Tegan thought. She did seem very laid back and relaxed at the bar. Tegan wondered and a little part inside of her hoped she'd see Sara at the bar next Saturday. She marveled at the idea that she might had seen Sara at the bar plenty of times before they met inside the blue walls of the classroom. But she was sure that if she had seen Sara, she would have remembered, after all, it's very hard to forget such a face and such eyes. Even her friends who only saw Sara for brief seconds seemed very interested in her. Jeremy interested in knowing how old was she and Emy was interested in destroying her the next time they meet.

On her way out of the classroom, Tegan noticed she was the last to leave, she cursed herself for being such a slow person. She zipped her olive army jacket over her maroon sweater and adjusted the beige scarf wrapped around her neck, trying not to eye the only remaining figure in the class. Sara Clement finally sitting on the chair while her head was buried in her small, pale hands. The sight made Tegan stare for two seconds, is this really the Sara she wanted to be a few minutes ago? She seemed very lost and weak. Perhaps she had a migraine, or a bad day. Tegan often suffers from migraines and is upset by any human noise or any noise in general and prefers to be left alone.

"Tegan Rain?" Tegan stopped. She was just leaving the class, but a very feminine, relaxed, sweet voice called her. A voice unlike its tensed, angry owner.

"Ya?" Her tongue playing with the piercing bellow her lower lip as she stared right behind Sara's head and not directly at her.

"Your presentation is on Friday, are you ready?" Sara asked with a smile. Yes, a real, genuine smile. Of course Tegan was ready, but Sara did not even know the perfectionist freak when it came to education that Tegan was. It was the only thing she took from her family, being a nerd.

"Mhm." Answered Tegan with a smile and a nod. Really Tegan? that's what came out of your mouth? She wanted to slap herself at her response, why couldn't she utter a simple yes? She just hummed and nodded. She did not understand why she was constantly unnerved around this woman who she barely knew. Everytime they interacted, she found herself losing the ability to say a full, meaningful sentence. She feared that she will screw up the presentation and spend her given ten minutes stuttering and nodding until she's scolded by that same woman smiling at her at the moment.

"Good luck." Whispered Sara, gently, very gently. It was the same tone Tegan's mother used back in California when she used to wake Tegan up for school. The same tone she used after crying uncontrollably for days back when she was sixteen as her mother convinced her that what she is going through is merely a phase every teenager goes through. It carried so much suppressed feelings begging for the release. It was tender and quiet but it also hid many emotions. She wanted to know every emotion Sara was keeping inside, but she couldn't, it would be rude to ask. She even feared she would get snapped at, so she decided to smile back and just walk out.

"Oh my God!" Yelled Tegan as she walked to her dorm room. The sight of of an androgynous blonde with her face between Emy's legs was the last thing she thought she'd see when she entered the room. She turned around, closing her eyes and blushing as if she was the one caught with a girl's face between her naked thighs. She heard her roommate cursing and mumbling incoherent sentences following by a door being shut. She is not sure what to make of it, whether to confront Emy or just pretend she saw nothing. But here it is, the solid proof, she caught her in the act, now Emy can't deny. She didn't even know why Emy was denying. Then it hit her, every word Sara Clement said, those who are homophobic to themselves, those who keep on denying who they are. Emy was one of those people. Did Sara know? Is that why she was staring at her like that? Tegan wondered and wondered until she heard Emy clearing her throat.

"You can open your eyes." Emy paused. "I am decent now." She said as she pulled her pants up and zipped it.

"We don't have to talk about it." Jumping on her bed, Tegan spoke. "I won't tell anyone." She shrugged. If Emy did not want anybody to find out, then she won't intrude on her private life and affairs. Tegan was never the kind of person who asked when curious. No, she was the kind of person who when they wanted to find information, they did a little bit of secretive stalking, and oh boy, they sure did find what they searched for. Tegan, despite her lack of confidence, was a very smart woman. She could get what she wanted, but she never ever believed in herself which made those whom around her have a reason to doubt her abilities.

"It's not what you think." Emy rushed to deny everything Tegan had seen. Tegan wondered if Emy thinks she's that much of a fool. She was not going to tell her the girl was doing nothing, or her tongue slipped inside when Emy's pants magically were taken off, is she? "Look Tegan, I have needs okay." Here comes the excuses, just like Sara Clement said, excuses, all of them. "I did not touch her, I just let her, you know..." Emy's whole face was beet red, she looked as if she was going to explode in a second. "Go down on me." Finally, Emy had the courage to say. "Because, let's be real, lesbians are much better than any man at this." Giggled Emy nervously, but Tegan did not laugh, her blank expression is the only thing Emy received. "You would know, wouldn't you?" Emy raised one eyebrow with a bit of a smirk. Emy sure knew how to turn and change the whole subject. Tegan envied her ability to get to where she wanted with just words.

"I..." Tegan stuttered, "I wouldn't know." she swallowed, lowering her gaze. Tegan had told Emy about her experience with Jenn, she told her they had something going on and it ended very badly. She had told her it was just a phase she was going through.

"What about Jenn?" Emy was different, if she wanted to know any information, she'd suck it out of you. And Tegan wasn't the one to tell everything about herself, she had never found an occasion to inform Emy about her _wild ride_ as sixteen year old as she liked to refer to it. Emy never asked much...Until now.

"We didn't." Tegan paused, "We only made out." She continued quickly. Now every memory had returned to Tegan. Every memory she buried in the soil of her mind. She swore to herself that she would never think about the people she knew back then, she swore she would never fall in love with her heart, but she would fall with her mind, with her brain ruling not her weak, emotional heart.

When Tegan was sixteen, her friend Talia introduced her to a few people. She introduced her to the first person she had ever fallen in love with, James. He had blue eyes, he was tall, he was blonde, he was everything Tegan wanted. She and James often kissed at nights even though he was twenty-three and he had a girlfriend. Tegan did not care, she loved how special he made her feel. James treated her right, she always felt that he liked her, but she was eventually mistaken. He never really hurt her as much as the other people she was introduced to, but he played with her feelings. He had this gigantic ego that she disliked and at the same time wished to own. All she wanted was to be with James, dreaming about him each night, thinking about what they might do together, but none of it happened, because James was quickly fading away from her life, he never came around anymore, he never really texted her back anymore, he was always busy, he was always tired. She had to give up on him, she wanted to, but she did not know how, that's when Nancy came in the picture. Nancy was one of the people Talia introduced Tegan to. Nancy was James' best friend. She felt a pity towards Tegan, she did not want their friendship to end badly, she did not want for Tegan to spend the nights crying over a lost hope. Nancy was bisexual, she was very proud of it. She was the first queer person Tegan ever interacted with and it blew her mind. Tegan became curious, she became in love with the idea of being with both men and women, it means you have twice the people to love. A slip of a tongue led Tegan to say that she thought she was bisexual herself. Just an hour, nothing more, one hour after that, Tegan found herself sitting with Nancy's ex girlfriend, Jenn. Yes, Nancy wanted to hook them up. Tegan was startled at the idea. She did not know what to do. That night, she had ended up having her first kiss with a girl, and damn right she liked it even if she tried to deny the hell out of such truth. Things weren't quite bright after that, Jenn made her smoke pot for the first time and Tegan liked to do that, after that, they'd make out in Nancy's living room all night until it was time for Tegan's curfew. Nancy and Jenn were 22 and 25. Yes Jenn was 25 while Tegan was only 16 and that was very fucked up. She always lied to her parents, saying she's out to study with friends. These months, her grades deteriorated, her mother noticed immediately. Tegan was usually her mother's girl, she would sit and tell her everything each day. She even told her about the name calling and how people harass her body at school. Sonia, Tegan's mother, noticed how her daughter was keeping her distance, she stopped sitting with her for tea in the afternoons, she stopped speaking with her at all at times. Some days, she'd just hide in her room all day. Tegan herself did not know why, she had a girlfriend, she had friends, she was happy. right? Wrong, these friends were not good friends. She was not really that much into Jenn, she just really loved the way their lips felt on each other, she loved the way Jenn took extra care of her mounds, rubbing each one on top of her shirt. Tegan was always too anxious to let her go too far. She just enjoyed the feeling, and that's exactly what Emy was trying to say to her, just enjoying the feeling doesn't make you a lesbian. She noticed how she and Emy are kind of the same even though she liked to believe that she is better. She still recalled the first time Jenn laid hands on her, slapping her across the right cheek in front of all their friends. She remembers crying in her room all night. She remembers how James appeared all of a sudden. She remembers the mixed emotions she had. She remembers how her mother found out what was happening through James, he told her mother everything. He told her mother that her daughter was seeing a 25 year old lady who taught her how to do drugs. Sonia was worried for sure, she had to do what a mother did, she convinced her daughter that she is not really into women, that it was just a phase, she forced her to let go of these friends, even James, Tegan had to exclude him from her life. She had to focus on her senior year. She had to graduate and be successful. Tegan often thought her mother was homophobic, but thinking about it a while later she learned that it was just a defensive act. She wondered if she had brought home the nice girl who's Tegan's age, what would her mother have done. She did not know, because Tegan was not a lesbian, she was not into girls, she was into men. Even though the only man she was interested in was James, she was still into men, she was not a lesbian. Just like Emy, Tegan liked the feeling, only the feeling.

"So..." Emy pursed her lips, "You're...a virgin?" Emy's mocking tone was quite evident, it only made Tegan lower her head, a pink hue colouring her cheeks. "Wow." mumbled Emy, raising her eyebrows with a chuckle. "We need to find you a boyfriend." Tegan herself did not know how things changed from her walking on Emy with a girl between her legs to Emy trying to find Tegan a boyfriend in order for Tegan to lose her virginity. She sure was a genius in making less of a fuss of something she wanted to hide. Tegan suppressed the urge to snap at Emy and tell her she should find a boyfriend for herself first, she knew it would upset her friend. Tegan being the little dove she is, she did not want to see that.

**May, 3rd 2043**

I know I have said that I was not going to be melodramatic. I know I said that this story did not change my life or make me a better person, but guess what? I lied. Yes, I lied. I am a liar, I have always been a liar. I lied not to people, no, to myself. I always denied everything, I denied my feelings for so long that when I finally accepted myself, nobody gave a fuck. Nobody even cared. And you know what's so funny? Sara always told me, _'Who cares? Nobody cares.'_ She always said nobody cares, but you know what's ironic? She cared, she cared that they might care. She herself was the biggest liar. If we got married and had kids, they would have been compulsive liars. I believe. Sara and I were the same person in two different bodies. That's why I believed we were soulmates. Everything was really the same, yet everything was so different. We were so alike, yet we both liked to believe we are the opposites in the equation, the ones who fit together. We were too much alike that we knew what was coming next, we knew what the other was thinking, we knew each other's weakness points, because we shared them. We expected every move, we knew what was going to happen, yet we closed one eye and pretended the other was blind.

No, I don't think Emy had anything to do with the fact that I was slowly falling for Sara, nor Jenn, nor Nancy, nor anybody. It just happened, slowly, very, very slowly. And for six months I denied it to myself and to those around me. But one day I was a volcano ready to erupt, I needed to shout it out, to scream it, to say it, to yell and tell everybody that I am actually in love with a woman. I wanted to tell them she was my professor, I wanted to tell them that it was fucked up. I wanted to tell them that I might never see her again because the class ended. I even started speaking about her to everybody around me, my own family knew who Sara Clement was. It was one of those feelings that left you up at night with a dumb smile on your face, when you were too hopeful, too young, too naive. It's a normal feeling, the feeling of love. And nobody had anything to do with me falling in love with Sara Clement other than Sara Clement herself.

,


	5. Sneaky Stares

**Chapter 5: Sneaky Stares**

**May, 3rd 2043**

Sara...Sara...What more to say about Sara? Hmmm. Do you know something? Sara had the craziest fascination with my breasts. Why yes, just like everybody else. But you see, Sara cherished my breasts in humorous ways. Oh I know, she seems like she's too serious for such things, right? Oh trust me, Sara in bed was a different Sara Clement. Just like I was different in bed. I mean, she taught me everything I know, some things I never even dared to try with my husband or in other relationships. But with Sara, oh boy, the extremes were okay. Sara is the kind of lady who would cause you to pass out after an orgasm. Not that it happened to me, but she left me breathless, tired, hungry for more. She left me panting, unable to breathe, unable to utter a simple word. Yes, Sara was that kind of person, the one who would rock your world...Literally and metaphorically. Why I feel embarrassed saying this to you, but sex was an important part in the story. Without sex it wouldn't have been the way it was. It wouldn't have affected me the way it did, perhaps. But sex was involved. Even though we did not have a lot of sex since the amount of time we spent having it was very short, each time she touched me still caused me to fall in love even more with her, with her body, with her personality. The personality that led us to the edge of doom.

I know you are wondering how all of this had happened. How on earth did we end up making love, or her ending up licking the chocolate syrup off my breasts. I know you want to know, I mean once sex got involved you shifted in your seat. I saw it. You can't deny it. It's a human nature, we love the kink in the tale. I wouldn't lie, if somebody told me a story, I would love to hear about the dirty details as well, it would make it more interesting and absorbing. I have previously said that it took some time. A lot of time. You see that's not the semester things started. No. It was a year after, when I took another subject with her. That's when things got heated. That's when I caught her staring at my chest in a class full of people. That's when she made her move. But the funny thing is, I fell in love with her way before she realized it. Look, you have to sit and hear how things happened. After my presentation is when my mind came to a halt. It's when I realized that...Alright...I am here, I am stuck.

* * *

**Jan, 2013**

"Alright, that was actually a very good start." Sara Clement, leaning on a wall at the side of the small classroom, said. "Tegan, you were really good, but I would have appreciated it if you brought media, perhaps pictures, a video, but since it's the first presentation and I did not say what you guys should do to be quite honest, I am going to let it pass." She smiled at Tegan who was standing right next to her. After Tegan finished her part, she walked next to Dr. Clement and stood next to her. She did not know why, but she was feeling good after she had done her presentation. She did not know she was going to do it so well. But she did and she moved, beaming, to the side of her professor while her two other partners did theirs. "Now Sandra, I appreciate your information, but you see, you chose Italy and you are majoring in the Italian Language." Sara paused as Sandra nodded in understanding. "I wanted more details, something bigger. You chose a really safe culture and you basically gave me basic details I hear each semester from students who choose the same culture as you." Tegan watched in guilt as her partner frowned slowly. "And Megan...I don't want to embarrass you in front of the class, but the information you were saying, half of them were wrong." Sara shook her head, "You should have searched more, you should have dug more. I do not tolerate false information. It felt so rushed. Did you prepare your presentation only last night?" Sara asked, but she did not need an answer as she continued quickly after her question, "I am sorry, I will have to give you a low grade since false information and ignorance are my mortal enemies." Tegan couldn't help but feel guilty that her partners did not get a free pass as she did for making a mistake. She was not sure if Sara was playing favourites or Tegan's presentation was much better than her partners, who actually, with no denial from perfectionist Tegan, did quite good.

It was Monday and it was very cold. Tegan's presentation was supposed to happen the previous Friday. She was so ready, she even practiced twice before Emy. Emy told her she was going to nail it. She reached the class on Friday early as usual. After three cups of coffee and a Redbull, she was more energetic than she should have. She was very excited, roaming around in the class, laughing with people who were wishing her good luck, speaking with one of the guys in the class room. She even picked an outfit to wear for her presentation the night before. The weather was much better on Friday so she picked a long white shirt and a beige cardigan, her black skinny jeans, and her black Doc. Martens. Her partners were not ready as she was. Megan was praying that Dr. Clement does not show up. Much to Megan's luck, Dr. Clement did not show up. Tegan waited ten minutes until a man informed them that Dr. Clement was not able to make it that day. For sure, Tegan got very angry and upset while her partners rejoiced that they have the whole weekend to prepare well. Tegan hates when things get postponed. She cursed her luck and she cursed Sara for not showing up. What could have caused Sara to magically not show up to her class when it was Tegan's presentation day, the thoughts enraged her.

On Saturday night she wondered if she was going to spot Sara with her beer and book at the bar. Tegan scanned the bar thoroughly for a hint of a very petite woman with charming short hair but she was not able to spot her. Jeremy and Emy hypocritically made fun of Tegan for trying to find her professor so hard. Emy swore that if she found her she was going to give her a piece of her mind since they are not at campus and Sara would not be able to do anything. Jeremy wished she'd be in tight jeans hugging her luscious thighs. Lindsey did not understand the craze about Sara Clement. She was just another professor to her. When she asked why is everyone trying to find her, the three friends shouted, "You don't understand." In sync, averting their gazes again in hopes to finally spot her sitting alone, hugging her beer bottle while her eyes were focused on the book opened before her. But Sara was nowhere in sight. She was not in the bar. She did not come. The three friends were very disappointed. Tegan did not even know why she just wanted to see her in there. Jeremy and Emy had their own selfish reasons, but Tegan just wanted to see her there. She just wanted to fill her eyes with the view of Sara Clement sitting in the bar, instead of communicating with people, isolating herself from everybody by indulging in literature. The sight alone fascinated Tegan. She did not know why, but it did.

On Monday, Sara came early to class, apologizing for her forced absence on Friday due to health issues. Tegan wondered what might have happened. She wondered if she was involved in a car accident or if it was something that involved a family member or a friend. After the presentation was done, Sara dismissed the class. On her way out, Tegan noticed that Sara was standing right behind her, she couldn't help herself but throw a genuine smile as her professor had one planted on her face as well. Tegan was nervous at the fact they ended up leaving the class and walking to the same spot Tegan hangs out at together. "Can I know my presentation mark?" Tegan asked all of a sudden, winning over her unnerved system and asking Sara the first thing that came up to her mind.

"You did good, Tegan." Sara paused as she looked at the younger brunette walking by her side, "I'd say you'd get a seven or an eight out of ten." She stopped as Tegan furrowed her eyebrows with a hint of a frown. A seven or an eight isn't really a good grade to Tegan. A ten is, nothing less that that. "This is Canada, Tegan." Sara chuckled. "That's the highest you could get with me." Now Sara's smile grew bigger. The shy sun behind Sara making her eyes reflect the water they hide behind the fire she portrays, or perhaps Sara only softened around Tegan.

"I am not from Canada." Said Tegan with no expression on her face, just a tender tone and a shimmering twinkle in her honey orbs, causing Sara's earlobes to turn as red as they can get. Tegan noticed the sudden redness, it caused Tegan's cheeks to have their own shade of pink as well.

"I had a feeling." Sara spoke with a shaky voice which took Tegan aback, she wondered if Sara was having troubles breathing or if she felt embarrassed by admitting so. "Where are you from, Tegan Rain?" Sara asked all of a sudden, her two focused eyes unable to disconnect from Tegan's distracted ones.

"The States...California." This is the first time Tegan has some kind of a conversation with a professor. Not even in high school she had that much interaction with her teachers. Any interaction or conversation she had was mostly about her grades or education in general.

Sara raised an eyebrow, what looked like a sly smirk slowly appearing on her lips. "A California girl, huh?" For sure the smirk was followed by a wink. A very satisfied smile gleamed on Sara's face. "I took my PhD from the States." Announced Sara, proudly.

"Oh really?" Tegan found herself a bit more relaxed. Now it was her turn to start smirking at her very confident professor. She wondered why Sara was even speaking with her. She hoped it would be a chance to know Sara's age.

"Mhm." Sara chuckled. "Washington State University." Sara paused, her smile suddenly changed to a frown. "Lived in the States from 2005 till 2009." Sara lowered her head with what seemed to be a remorseful chuckle. "Worst four years of my life." Admitted the proud lady who for once did not seem so proud. Her tone was quiet. It came out as a wistful whisper.

"I'm sorry." Whispered Tegan. Suddenly, her curiosity was aiming higher than it already was. She wanted to know Sara's history and she wanted to know it right now. "May I ask what happened?" Tegan asked. "If it's not a bother." She continued, trying not to be rude. She cursed her nosy mind which was unable to be tamed or stopped. It was not her business, yet she desired to know what was the mystery behind this glistening fiery woman.

"The past stays where it belongs, Tegan Rain." Sara refused to expose her story gently. "Why search for something buried deep inside a rotten soil in hopes to find a treasure when you know ninety nine percent you will find a serpent?" Here is the water, the pure guileless water inside her eyes. Tegan could not deny such eyes. Sara's frightening eyes were a part of Sara's saint-like soul. This woman seemed to be out of this world, perhaps an angel, thought Tegan.

"A rotten soil on the outside can be a very fertile one on the inside...Only if you dug deeper, though. That's when the one percent of finding the treasure would be one hundred, and you will find it once you stab the serpent surrounding it." If Sara thought Tegan did not understand how literature worked, she was mistaken. Perhaps Tegan looked shallow and quiet on the surface but she truly had her moments once she allowed them to escape her hinged doors. Tegan's smile grew bigger and bigger slowly until all her teeth were covered and only gums showed as she watched her professor's mouth agape with astonishment.

"Very impressive, Tegan Rain." Sara nodded with half a smile. "You can be a poet." She suggested.

"Oh, I am a poet...Well a wannabe poet." The same gummy smile was sent Sara's way, causing Sara's wandering eyes to shift to Tegan's plump lips. Tegan slowly noticed the heat rushing back to Sara's ears.

"Oh is that so?" And here came the famous smirk that made Tegan's heart throb a little too fast. "Why don't you show me some?" Tegan was not sure if that was a suggestion, an offer, or a command. Perhaps it was an act of kindness.

"Maybe someday." Tegan said in a sing song voice. She wondered how was she able to crush down all her nerves and speak so comfortably with the woman who made her uncomfortable and nervous the most. As Tegan was toying with the green scarf wrapped around her neck, covering most parts of her chest, she quickly took notice of the older brunette's hazel orbs concentrated on her accidentally exposed cleavage, as Tegan's hand caused the scarf to rise up, giving the public a clear view of her tight black V neck under her leather jacket, and her very noticeable cleavage. She quickly lowered her scarf down causing herself and Sara's cheeks to share the same shade of pink, except Sara's ears were beet red, this caused Tegan's ego to have its immediate boost, giving her a smug smirk, one she never knew she could have. "Well, I think you have a class right now, Doctor. You should probably go, you're already very late." Tegan was not the biggest flirt, but somehow when she had the chance, she caused distraction to some people, the last thing she thought about was Sara being one of the very few who would blush and take sneaky glances at her breasts. She shook her head as Sara agreed that she was late, managing to carry herself with her usual grace as she walked away from Tegan's view. Who knew conceited Sara would end up looking like a tomato at things a girl way younger than her had said!

That afternoon, Sara accidentally forced herself inside Tegan's mind. Tegan walked back to her dorm with a silly grin on her face. She herself couldn't define the secret of her ambiguous happiness. It was just there. Sara Clement caused it. How, you cannot ask Tegan for she had no clear answer, but it was there painted on Tegan's frame. She even walked faster than she already did to her room, unjustified excitement flowing inside her veins. What was that feeling? Tegan did not care, she just loved it. It was new. It was hopeful. It was bright and it shone as the fire inside Sara's eyes.

Sighing in pure pleasure as she plopped down on her bed, Tegan slowly removed her leather jacket and her green scarf, eyes focused on the roof above her head. She knew her roommate's eyes were burning holes at her frame. Emy was a curious girl, she was going to get it all out of Tegan in a matter of seconds.

"Alright, spill it out, mister." Giggled Emy, leaving the book between her hands to focus on finally seated Tegan with a smile from ear to ear on her face.

"I did really good in the presentation." Beamed Tegan, taking her shoes off slowly. "Sara liked it a lot, we even talked after class."

"Sara?" Emy raised an eyebrow as she stood up, walking to Tegan's bed with a hint of a smirk on her features. "Is that what you call each other now? Sara? And what did she call you? Thunder girl? Or does she call you Tee? Are you like besties now?" If there was a machine to shut Emy up, Tegan would be very pleased to be the first to use it. "And what did you even talk about? Oh let me guess." Emy cleared her throat, raising her chest and thickening her voice in order to mock Tegan. "Oh, Doctor Clement, I..I...I." Intentionally, she tried to mock Tegan's famous stutter. "I really love the way you dress and the way you look, I even might be growing a girl crush on you. Jesus fucking Christ, I can't believe I admitted that." Then Emy lowered her chest, gathered her bangs to be on the side of her face and softened her voice to a very girly tone. "Oh Tegan, you can call me thara." She made the lisp more obvious than Sara's. "You know I really might be having a crush on you but I am jealouth of your friend Emy who I thuthpect that you are fucking thecretly." Yes, Tegan definitely was going to invent such a machine. It was obligatory.

Tegan couldn't even speak from the shock. She knew that Emy just freed everything inside her chest through mockery. Probably thinking if it came out in some kind of a joke it won't hurt Tegan's feelings or cause her some kind of distress. "You think I have a crush on her?" Tegan growled, furrowing her eyebrows.

"Tee," Sighed Emy, wrapping her arm around Tegan's hunched shoulder. "Do you know how much you talked about her since the semester started? Which was basically last week?" Emy asked, not needing an answer, just trying to make a point. "You haven't even got half as excited when Jeremy started flirting with you, Tegan"

"Well maybe because I am not into him?" Tegan snapped at her roommate, shrugging her hand away.

"Look, just be careful, this woman seems like she's trying to reel you in. I saw the way she was looking at you, plus I've heard some rumours." Emy advised, shrugging with a sigh.

"Some rumours?"

"Mhm." Emy nodded. "Some girls said she flirts with students, and I heard some guy said she's actually into girls but tries too hard to appear friendly with everybody, even men."

Tegan rolled her eyes at the absurdity. That's how Sara was. She was not even trying. She is just a flirt. Much like Lindsey. She is friendly as well. If she likes you she's just flirty with you, it's in her human nature, but unlike Lindsey, Sara was a flirt with men _and_ women, not only men. "She was staring at my boobs." Tegan found herself whispering, not knowing why she admitted that in the first place.

"Ha. See?" Emy smiled cheerily that her point was proven right.

"Emy, for fuck's sake, even a gay dude would stare at my boobs. The straightest girls at high school used to stare at my boobs._ You_ stare at my boobs." Tegan smirked at her now blushing friend.

"Shut the fuck up, they're distracting." Emy defended herself slowly, her cheeks still flushed knowing that Tegan had exposed her sneaky stares.

"Exactly." Emy's point proven wrong. Tegan triumphed, getting out of her bed and walking to the bathroom. "Look, you don't need to worry. Pretty sure someone like Sara would not even be interested in someone like me even if she was gay." Tegan mumbled. She did not know why such a thought caused her discontent, sending a sting to her chest.

"What about you? Would you be interested in someone like Sara?" Smirked Emy. "You know, someone with a vagina...Again?" Now grinning artfully. Instead of getting a vocal response, she got a visual one of the white bathroom door closing gently. Tegan wondered why Emy does not want to mind her own business or deal with her own denial first before she attacks Tegan. Was this like a _'we're all in this together'_ kind of situation? Was Emy relishing the fact that both women were in deep denial sharing the same room and none of them is ready to admit her love for the same sex? These questions swam inside Tegan's now clouded brain as she soaked herself under the hot flow of water.

A month had passed and Tegan found herself starting to admire not only Sara's intimidating personality but also her looks. She marveled at the way her jaw clenched when she was angry at a student. Admiring the bone structure in her face, spending the whole class looking at her face as if Sara was a sculpture from the Goddesses above. Her daunting eyes and her pouty lips caused Tegan's mind to roam in fantasies about how great she would look if she and Emy turned her into a painting. Yes a painting. Tegan rejoiced at the idea. A painting with the focus being set on her eyes and jaw line. Tegan was even set on the idea of giving Sara wings and a halo above her head. Sara definitely looked some kind of a saint to Tegan. Who would propose that much perfection in skin and features with no hints of make up on their face? Let alone a woman who is probably in her thirties. Yes, Sara was going to be Tegan's next painting. She even wondered if she should give it to Sara but she rejected the idea as soon as her mind offered it. Sara would probably be angry with her.

What made Tegan shift in her seat is the fact that whenever Sara read the attendance list, she'd wait for everybody to say that they are present in class, but when she reached Tegan's name, Sara would say she already saw her and skip. She herself did not understand why she was the exception to Sara's scanning eyes. Perhaps she stood out more because of her piercing, or because one time they had that talk after her presentation, Tegan wondered.

Tegan even admired everything Sara was saying, her advices, her perspective, her opinions. She found herself saying those to her friends who were slowly getting sick and tired of how much Tegan spoke about Sara when all they really wanted was to speak about something or someone else. But Tegan's mouth was a motor on high speed, hitting the brakes was going to take away the excitement of reaching where you want as quick as you can. Tegan did not want to stop, she did not want to hit the brakes. She wanted to go, to drive and reach to the unknown land she was aiming for.

* * *

**May 3rd, 2043**

Shush. Let me smile. Just let me smile. Allow me to enjoy the breeze. You feel that breeze? Yes that one. It caused you to shiver, I just saw it. It caused me to shiver too. That's Sara. That breeze is Sara. She knows we are speaking about her. She can sense it. She can feel it. She's letting all the powers and the goddesses to let us know she's hearing the story. She's present right now. Don't say I am crazy. It is Sara. She has that magical power you see. She's not just a human. No, she's an angel, yes. An angel. Oh, I am not cheesy. Don't say that. Fine, maybe I am. I do believe in such bullshit. It helps me sigh dramatically and breathe as if I am in a movie. Oh Jesus, I think I might need another coffee. Would you like something else to drink? A tea perhaps? Oh, alright, suit yourself.

You see, these were the best months ever. Yes, better than the ones we had sex in them. I told you previously I was not happy at all when I was enjoying Sara's company. You want to know? You will know if you just wait. Hold your horses for a bit, will ya? Allow me to take a breath and try to remember the scenes. I don't want to miss a thing. I want to say everything that happened or caught my attention. I was saying, these were the best months. It was the best semester. I was jolly and delighted. I was at ease. I was living the lonely lover dream. You see, once things get bigger they don't necessarily become better. No, they tend to get out of control. You just want to close the circle and lock yourself and who you love inside but oh well, the evil on the other side is always with a bigger power and an unlimited access to that circle. It takes what you have and it deprives you forever from having it once again. It's the outside force. Nature. Nature is an evil prick. I do believe in God, I told you I do. Look, my relationship with God is complicated. I would rather not speak about it right now. It is what God wanted yes but nature is a force as well. It is an evil force. What, haven't you read_ The Rime of the Ancient Mariner_? Of course you have not. It is a long poem but it is what I based my life on, I suppose. It was probably a very wrong decision as I seem to regret it. You are correct, I am as confused as I always was. Why go on denying it when I keep proving that I am just the same the more I let the story unfold?


	6. Distracted

**6\. Distracted. **

**May, 3rd 2043**

My story is ancient. Nobody likes to hear it. Why are you sitting still anyway? Why do you really wanna hear it? You see, each time I tried to tell someone about it, they never really cared. Nobody wants to hear such a tale. Some even thought it was a pure fiction my mind had made up. It is really not. Sara Clement did exist. She was my professor and I did love her. Why is that such an eerie occurrence? Love is love, isn't it? Isn't that what they say? How come love had rules then? Reminds me of the time she made the class read the novel The Forty Rules of Love. I snapped at her with all my anger. I said, "Love has no rules, why would you even want us to read such a thing?" She smiled, shook her head and then continued lecturing. She made me read it. I did, I did not regret it. In fact, I loved the book. It was hard to understand at first. It was hard to understand why it was one of her favourite books, but then, it hit me. It was too late. But then I realized, that I was always blinded. I was selfish. I thought she was the selfish one, but it was I. No, I do not regret any foolish act. I was a burden. I've always felt like a burden. But I do not regret it. Because I did love her. My heart was pure. My intentions were pure. I was a fool you see. I just loved her with everything in me, but I did not see what I was getting myself into, whom I was getting myself with.

You know, at that time, I thought years from then, I would have forgotten such a story. You are correct, you just do not forget the things that touched you. No, actually, you do forget the things that touch you. I mean we are touched by different people everyday. But you certainly do not forget those who cause a mark on your skin. Or in my case, in the back of your head. I wished I could tell my daughters this story, but they're shallow, they don't understand. They won't understand. They will laugh. And my husband? Oh, he's a brick on the wall behind our broken bed. Sara always spoke of growing old, losing your beauty, losing it all, death. She always spoke about death and at that time I never really understood why. But she did. She too changed. From semester to the other, she did change. I only realized why the change had occurred when it was a bit too late. And I won't forget that smile the last time I saw her. Oh how I wanted to punch her in the face. But I just walked. I carried on. I chose the street instead of her unwelcoming home.

* * *

**February, 2013**

"Oh my God." Tegan whispered, slightly choking, finding it very hard to take a breath. "Marry me." She whispered again. Her eyes grew wide as she realized the words leaving her mouth. She tried to raise her head and take a few glances at the woman standing before her, but each time she lifted her head, she lowered it down as the heat rose to her whole face.

Sara Clement had just entered the class, which as usual sent shocks to Tegan's system, causing her to shift in her seat as she concentrated on the beauty that Sara possessed. She always found herself sighing softly as she bit her labret or pretended that she was busy with something else, but today was different. Today caused Tegan to jump off her seat, which was not in the back, but in the third row. She just wanted to have a better view of Sara for some reasons she did not comprehend. You cannot blame a person for having such desires. You cannot blame Tegan. She would defend herself. After all, she wanted to paint Sara. Reasons still unknown as well, but it was what Tegan wanted and one cannot simply ask Tegan why she wanted such things. She just did, that will be her answer.

When Sara took off her grey coat, Tegan released a low gasp. It made the male seated next to her raise an eyebrow. She pretended that her index was harmed by a paper cut. She lowered her gaze as quick as she could before she was able to embarrass herself even more. When she lifted her head again, she saw it again and she uttered the words she did not even know her brain had thought of until they left her cursed mouth. Once again, the male next to her raised an eyebrow. This time with a smirk. Tegan mentally cursed herself. She mentally wished the roof would collapse over their heads and all of the students would die but her and Sara. Yes that sounded like a great idea. She would have a better view of Sara's very sheer, white button down, which reflected the black bra underneath, giving Tegan the perfect view her scared eyes craved for. She wondered if Sara was aware of how sheer her shirt was. She wondered if she was the only person in the class who had a perfect view of her breasts covered with a small black bra.

Blushing and cursing herself, Tegan did not absorb what was happening to her body. Why such a sight caused her to act as a teenage boy, whose body invaded by uncontrollable hormones, was beyond her comprehension ability. Here came the worry descending down on Tegan. It was the same feeling she had once felt when Jenn's rough palms took a hold of her breast. It caught her by surprise and made her throat sting. It made her gasp and it caused her face to darken in color. That feeling she had always mistaken for a _'phase'_. She wondered if that phase is back again. Her face now changing in colours from the faint shade of red to the hints of a yellow. Not caring about the male sitting beside her anymore, but caring about that feeling inside her chest, or her body.

Perhaps it was lust, she thought to herself. She was eighteen and her body needs the release it has been craving for since she hit puberty at thirteen. But it was a woman she was lusting on, and not any woman, no, it was Sara Clement, her professor who God knows how much older than her she was. She clenched her fists, fighting the will to let a stray tear fall from her eyes as she watched her knuckles turn ghostly white. This was not happening to Tegan again. She needed to take breaths and clear her mind. It was probably karma since she and Jeremy made fun of Emy's denial the previous week. The gods above wanted her to suffer such a feeling as the one Emy was dealing with. Yes, It was karma, she believed. Also karma for leading Jeremy on. She should not have done that. She made a mental note to approach Jeremy and perhaps kiss him on the lips so the karma can wither from her body and brain.

"Is everything okay there, Ms. Rain?" Here came the voice she did not want to hear this moment, calling her last name, asking her if she is okay. Tegan needed to pull herself together. She took a breath, forming the most fake smile she had ever faked on her lips and lifted her head, connecting her cold eyes to Sara's warm ones. What an irony, Tegan never expected they would exchange eyes. She never thought she would look at Sara in such a way, the same way James used to stare at her. Cold, emotionless, hard, very hard. It felt like an iceberg was slowly forming inside.

With a voice hoarse, Tegan answered, "Yes Doctor." Clearing her throat as Sara nodded with no hints of worry or curiosity leaving her features. It caused Tegan's temper to rise, and that was the last straw. Tegan was sure she was hit with karma. Everything about her professor was making her lose her mind.

This was the first class Tegan had not concentrated on anything Sara had said. For the first time, Sara's voice had escaped her ears, filled with her own screaming conscience reprimanding her for her lack of self control. Many questions roamed inside her head. She had always seen Emy half naked and not once cared enough. Even her previous girlfriend of two months, Jenn, she had never reacted the way she just did around her. Yes, Jenn's touch made her stomach flip in excitement but she knew it was the excitement of being touched, nothing more. But Sara...Sara did not even touch her. What caused her guilt to rise more was the fact none of the men in the class had even cared for such a scene. She always saw girls wearing less than that, or even men who were topless with mouth-watering bodies to other girls who were in her company. She had never felt that way, or reacted in such a way. She was going to punish herself for such a behavior. If Sara knew about it, she was going to fail her, perhaps cause her to be kicked out of university. She did not need self-pity, she needed self-hate for being such a needy human being. It was a shameful act from her. She needed to rebuke herself and she was going to do so.

"Tegan Rain." Whispered Sara, her books and papers tightly clenched to her chest as she stopped Tegan from being the last student rushing out of class. Tegan cursed herself once again for being such a slow person when it came to leaving the class.

When Tegan's eyes met Sara's form, she wondered if Sara had noticed her prohibited stares which caused her to cover up her chest with books and papers. Her eyes quickly met her professor's, waiting for what she had to say.

"Are you alright?" Sara asked once again, this time not allowing Tegan to give her a quick, fake answer. "You seemed kind of out of it in class, you seemed very distracted." Sara actually noticed Tegan's lack of concentration and weird behavior. Tegan wished she was more subtle when it came to dealing with her emotions, but it was too late, Sara had already noticed and now she is questioning Tegan alone in an empty class.

"I am just a bit tired today." She lied, another fake smile forming on her lips. All she really wanted was to go to her dorm, lay on her mattress and lose herself in sleep. Perhaps she was just sleepy and once she was up from a long, healthy nap, she was going to return to her old state.

But Sara did not cut her a slack, she put the books and the papers on the desk once again, reaching for her grey coat. Tegan's eyes once again shifted where they should not be. Nobody does such a thing but creepy men, she silently scolded her brain. Nobody should be staring. Only perverts do such a bad deed. She wanted an answer, yet she was just lost. It felt like her eyes loved to stare. Sara was not even as curvy as herself. The button down was not even hugging her body but it was certainly hugging her chest somehow.

"I hope you feel better, sweetie." Sweetie. Sara just called her sweetie. Her eyes averted to eye Sara's honey ones. Perhaps she was now hearing things. Yes definitely. She was hearing things. Boy, she sure needed to sleep.

Tegan smiled and thanked Sara, but all she really wanted to do is either be slapped on the cheek so she could wake up, or punch Sara for causing such feelings to her mind and heart. She was glad the interaction had finally ended. Now it was time to run as the howling wind to her dorm, hide beneath the sheets of her bed and slowly drift to a calm peaceful sleep.

**...**

"Can I please just understand what the fuck is wrong with you?" Emy questioned. Hints of worry in her low tone. She removed a stray hair out of Tegan's sweaty face. "Tegan are you sick?" She questioned for the second time, but again, no answer was provided. "Come on, why did you skip Sara's class today? I thought it was your favourite class." Few seconds and still no answer. All Tegan did was pout and sigh heavily when Sara's name was mentioned.

The effect of Sara had not washed off as Tegan wished it would once she woke up from a long nap two days ago. At night, all she thought about was Sara, how she looked, her face, her voice, the way she spoke. Once she drifted off to sleep after hours of insomnia, she had a dream about Sara. Once again, Sara. It felt as if Sara was a ghost haunting Tegan's brain. In the morning, while doing her homework, she often found herself unable to focus because she was deeply engrossed in the thoughts of Sara. She pinched her wrist as she realized she was smiling foolishly to herself once the image of the very pale beauty took a seat at the back of her mind. She felt herself at a rival with her mind. Her mind became her enemy just these two days. All it did was bring up Sara's image for her to take sneaky glances at. Then came the imaginations of seeing Sara in less clothing than she often wore. Such pictures caused Tegan's heart to beat faster, it caused her stomach to churn, and it caused her face to flush. Sweat even formed on her forehead once such visions evolved inside her eyes. In order to punish herself, she had decided to skip the last class, Sara's class, denying and murdering every urge within her to see Sara. She thought if she taught her stubborn mind what self control is, it would not impose on what her heart is telling her. Everything in her body screamed how wrong it was for her to have such thoughts, except her mind. It kept bringing up the woman she did not want to have inside her head the most. She feared Emy would hear her screaming, scandalous thoughts. Emy sensed the change in mood and colour Tegan had for the past two days, and only came to confront her now.

"You've been acting really strange the past two days." Emy stated, removing the sheets slightly and pushing her body down next to Tegan's resting one. "What happened? You're not gonna answer me, are you?" Emy sighed, not gaining a bit of response, just a teary-eyed Tegan staring blankly at her. "Did she do something? To hurt you? Like scolded you in front of the class?" Finally, Emy has earned a little shake of the head. "Well?" Emy raised an eyebrow, face only inches away from Tegan's.

"It's nothing, Emy." Lied Tegan, voice hoarse and raspy. "It's just me, I am just in a bad mood." She formed a genuine smile. Her friend, after all, did not deserve to be ignored. It was the first time Tegan felt what Emy might have been dealing with for a while. She now knows the feeling. The feeling of utter denial, lack of self acceptance, and fear.

"Can I make you feel better?" Offered Emy, a wicked smile forming on her plump, rosy lips.

"How are you gonna do that?" Sniffled Tegan as her hand covered her eyes in order to rub them. Emy took the chance, slipping her two hands where Tegan's exposed neck was and started tickling her.

Tegan, taken by surprise, started giggling uncontrollably, begging for her roommate to stop while her legs kicked. Her mouth released squeals as she squirmed between Emy's grip. Now Emy was seated on top of Tegan's lying form. Her legs on both side of Tegan's waist as her bum seated perfectly on top of Tegan's clothed crotch.

After a few, Emy stopped her hand from causing screams to escape Tegan's lungs and removed them from her neck only to be replaced by her own head lying there, sending hot breaths to Tegan's sweaty skin. "Your skin is so soft." Stated Emy while her hands caressed Tegan's naked arms.

"Emy, I'm sweaty, aren't you grossed out?" Tegan wondered why the girl was suddenly clinging to her. Perhaps she just wanted her to feel better while embracing her. Emy's body being in such position did nothing to Tegan's until she felt the discomfort rising inside her core when Emy shifted her bottom half on Tegan's. She was not sure if Emy intended to do such a thing or it was purely unintentional. She pushed Emy's body gently to her side while trying to comprehend what was going on inside her own body. It is true, Tegan definitely needed the release. But she was not going to use her roommate to get it, no, she was going to use someone else. Someone she is interested in, at least that's what she was convinced in.

"Are you okay now?" Emy asked with a pure, honest smile causing her dimples to be visible.

"Yes, thanks, Em." Beamed Tegan, exposing her pearly whites and her rosy upper gum, planting a friendly peck on her roommate's cheek then quickly abandoning her bed in order to reach for the bathroom.

"Where are you going?" Frowned Emy.

"I wanna shower because I'm heading to Jeremy's." Tegan paused, taking a quick glance at Emy who was still lying on her pillow. "He agreed to tutor me Computer Skills." She explained when Emy furrowed her eyebrows, demanding a justification. Tegan never really visited Jeremy alone. It was always Emy accompanying her when they decided to spend the afternoon or midnight at Jeremy's very small condo, which he was sharing with another male friend of his.

**...**

"Do you get it now?" Jeremy asked a very uninterested, very distracted Tegan who did not pay attention to a single thing he has been saying for the past hour and a half. But Tegan nodded anyway as she was doing the whole time her friend was trying to help her understand what he was explaining. "Are you even listening to me?" Jeremy asked with a hint of irritation escaping his mouth.

"Mhm." Tegan nodded again, her chin resting on her palm as she did not bother give Jeremy the satisfaction he needed to make sure she now, thanks to him, understands everything revolving their midterm which was only weeks away. "Jeremy?" Tegan asked after she watched Jeremy roll his eyes at her lack of interest.

"Yes?"

"Kiss me." Unsure of the command which had just left her mouth, Tegan watched as Jeremy suddenly became alerted, his eyes growing wide as she trembled and quivered.

"N..No." Refused Jeremy with a stutter, causing Tegan's body to increase in trembles as the heat on her face became visible with a red hue. She just got rejected by her friend who had spent the previous months flirting with her. She had never felt as bad in her life as she did at that moment. Very embarrassed, battling with her own quick tears which needed to escape her watering orbs. "Tegan, I'm sorry...I," Jeremy stuttered again, this time Tegan could see the pity he was expressing while her tears started escaping her eyes, cursing her weakness and lack of control over her own emotions.

"I don't need your pity Jeremy." Suddenly Tegan shouted, cutting off her stuttering, guilty-looking friend. "You just..." She lowered her tone, knowing that Chris, Jeremy's roommate, was in his room. "You gave me the impression you were interested in me." She explained, wiping her tears, as she tried to pull herself together. If it was someone else, for example, Emy or Lindsey, they would not have cried, but it was Tegan, her tears were her best friend. Just like the rain in a cloudy, grey sky.

"I know." Jeremy admitted. "I apologize, I don't want to lead you on. Tegan, I..I like someone now, I mean it happened recently, but yeah." Tegan heard how unsure his tone was. One thing Tegan was very good at is telling whether people were lying or not. She was able to tell how people felt sometimes, if they were bothered or not. She could tell clearly that Jeremy was lying. It was all her, he just did not like her, and he did not want to hurt her feelings. She despised the pity. Tegan never wanted to feel a fake sympathy. It made her sick to her stomach how some people had treated her after rejection. Just like James, he always provided her with unreal compassion which only gave her false hope. What was different is that Tegan had actually wanted James, she did love him, or so she thought back then, but Jeremy was just a friend for her. She herself did not even know why it mattered for her if he did not like her, she did not like him as well, but rejection always made it harder for Tegan. It always made her feel that she lacked something each woman around her had.

"I understand." Tegan nodded, giving Jeremy one of her looks which her friends always mocked, saying it is '_The Satanic Glare'._ Emy had said that if Tegan gave her those eyes, it means she was caught in the act and there is no running away from Tegan's knowing mind. That is the only time Tegan felt powerful. It was all with the eyes, one eyebrow raised, a faint smirk creeping on her lips and a nod. "Who is it?" Finally, asked Tegan. Two could play this game, she thought. It was time for a little quiz.

"I can't tell you." Whispered Jeremy, annoyance visible on his facial expressions and body language.

"I won't tell anyone, I promise." Demanded Tegan. "Is it Emy?" She asked again when Jeremy cleared his throat with no answer, but he did not give her an answer again but rather a chuckle while shaking his head. "Lindsey?" Exclaimed Tegan. This time getting no reaction, only a very unsure blank expression. "Ha. I knew it, it's Lindsey." A smirk grew on her face as she watched Jeremy's brown pupils shift to the left, each time he did so, she saw through him more and more.

"Maybe." He cleared his throat again, voice a bit hoarse, eyes still shifting to the left. Tegan shook her head suppressing a chuckle. She wondered why he had to lie, he could have just told her he is not into her, but knowing better, Tegan, just like her friends, knew how she could deal with rejection, but that did not make it any better for her. She just got rejected, so what's the point? Nobody likes her.

* * *

**May, 3rd 2043**

_"Vayne man," sayd she, "that doest in vaine assay,_

_A mortall thing so to immortalize,_

_For I my selve shall lyke to this decay,_

_And eek my name bee wyped out lykewize."_

Sara hated sonnets. She despised them. She often told me, "Do you even know the real story behind sonnets?" I answered, "Of course I do, but they are romantic." She grew angrier at me, she said they were not romantic, they were fake, they were false, they did not show the real love. But when I recited "Sonnet 75" by Edmund Spencer, she listened, a smile fluttered on her lips. Her eyes twinkled and I saw them water slowly, gently. It caused me a sudden pang through my chest. It just did. The way she listened to this poem, her hands small, pale, stroking my hair. She just listened as I recited the words each day. One day I heard a faint gasp. I turned around and I saw her lips agape, and I saw it. A tear. It just fell as I recited the words. She kept stroking my hair, her hands were warm. Very warm and gentle, and her fingers bony and fragile but her eyes were icy. Despite the liquid streaming out of them, they seemed frozen in ambiguous fright. And it ached me. It hurt me to see her or hear letting well reserved emotions.

Sara hated Shakespeare. She called him a moron. Looking back now, I assume she hated love and I loved the idea of being loved. I suppose she loved "Sonnet 75" for the truth it carried behind its simple, delicate lines. _Vayne man,_ Right? It all went in vain after all. Well for Sara too, I can assure you. She just knew it way before I did. I was the twittering bird on her bent tree. I was the feathers stuck on her broken arrow. I was unaware and immature. You know that the time Sara finally recited this poem, she chose which part? She chose the first quatrain.

_One day I wrote her name upon the strand,_

_But came the waves and washed it away:_

_Agayne I wrote it with a second hand,_

_But came the tyde, and made my paynes his pray._

And then she kissed me, softly, smoothly, she allowed her velvety tongue to brush my lips, and I allowed her the entrance. But she pulled away and carefully, she buried her hot face in the chilliness of my neck...And then she kissed it.


	7. Hazy Atmosphere

**Chapter 7: Hazy Atmosphere**

**May 3rd, 2043**

Sara was surely not malicious. She was padded with wicked wit. It was not evil, no, it was just her way of getting what she wanted, or in my case, who she wanted. But I cannot say that I was not cunning, you see I did pursue her just like she did to me. I do admit, she was the one who started all the physical contact in the first place. She was the one who took the first step, or as I like to call it, managed to bury herself in the soil of my mind. I am very positive till this day, that the time she saw me in her office, was what she was waiting for. It happened about a year later. Almost. But it happened. And Dear Lord, you should have seen that grin of her. So sly, so gorgeous. It was like she was waiting to see me there, and the wait was over. She had won the fight. It was like she was expecting me, as if she knew I would be there. And she remembered me. Can you believe that? You cannot? We have not reached that part, yes, I am aware. I remember writing a poem about her that day. She was dressed in red and grey. It was a badly written poem, you see. But if I read it now to you, I just might tear up. I do admit. You do not even know the happiness that it caused me to see her there. I even ended up emptying my stomach various times of the day. For sure it caused Emy to mock me with every bit of annoyance engraved on her face. But that's the thing in me, I become nervous easily and when I do, I end up emptying the contents of my stomach. It is a bad habit, that even Sara tried to stop, but she couldn't, as I seldom face it till now.

Oh what about Emily? Oh dear. Emily is a long story. Oh, for sure she's in this. You are going to hear a lot about her now. She sure did play her part well. No, we are not friends anymore. No, no, trust me, Sara had nothing to do with anything. After Sara, Emy and I spent a lot of time together until I completed my MAs, and she lived in London with her girlfriend. Oh yes, Emy did come out eventually. We tried to stay in touch, but that girlfriend of hers, she was the vicious grasshopper who hogged down all the wheat. So we detached until Emy became just a memory. Jeremy and I however, we are still in contact. Yes, he is a good man. I still believe he did me a favour refusing to kiss me, even though, I can assure you that was not his own choice back then. Oh, you'll understand it later. But he did me a favour. But you see, even though Jeremy, and I am positive, is not who I would want to spend the rest of my life with, he will surely make a better husband for me than my own husband. Perhaps because we are friends, I am not quite sure, or maybe I am, but it wouldn't matter now, would it?

**...**

"No Tegan, I am not going to do that." exclaimed a very irritated Emy with a roll of her eyes.

"Please Em, Pleeeeaaaasssse." Tegan begged her friend, her bottom lip curling into a pout as her eyelashes fluttered slowly. "I can't do it alone, you know that, you're a better artist than me." Tegan thought if she had fed Emy's ego with compliments, her arrogant friend was going to accept her suggestion of drawing Sara, just like she had in mind. But Tegan knew very well that Emy was not easy to convince, especially not when it came to one of her enemies, who she barely knew.

"I said no, Tegan. I am not drawing that fucking professor of yours." Refused once again, as she eyed the piece of art she was already working on. Only few touches left of the eerie piece of red and black which caused Tegan to squint her two eyes in confusion as Emy joked that this was the real art which Tegan was never going to grasp. "Don't you give me that puppy face of yours, Tegan Rain. It won't work this time." Once again, Tegan's efforts of persuasion were dismissed. She sighed in disappointment, lowering her head.

"But...You won't draw her. You will just, you know? Help me draw her?" Tried once again, Tegan did not believe in giving up, well, at least not in aspects such as fulfilling her obsessive, selfish desires.

"For fuck's sake, Tegan, why do you even wanna draw your _professor_?" Barked Emy with unjustified anger seeping out of her lungs and dancing all over her facial features. Tegan stepped inches further out of defensive reflex. Her lips quickly quivered as she slowly felt herself becoming very little with enraged Emy facing her. She had never seen Emy as angry. She did not realize Emy's hatred towards Sara was as great as it was just projected. "You're so obsessed with her." Emy shook her head, focusing on the piece of art once again.

"I am not." Whispered Tegan, not even trying to justify or defend herself further. She knew too well Emy was not going to buy anything she was going to say. Emy spent more time with her than she spent alone, she knew that Emy was aware of her guilty growing fondness for the lady she saw three days a week for an hour. But she needed to defend herself even if it was a mere whisper, not for Emy to believe it, no, it's for her own mind to believe the lies she told herself each day.

"Is this because of what happened between you and Jeremy?" A wicked grin growing on the brunette's lips as she finally allowed her attention to the downhearted girl.

"He told you?" Tegan asked as disbelief attacked her features all at once. Her head now up and eyes bulged in shock. It was not only humiliating that she had to beg her friend to help her feed her own obsession, but now she knows about her piteous situation with the boy Emy had always been encouraging her to seek.

"Uh...I." Emy sighed, wiping the tiny drops of sweat upon her forehead. "It seems like you didn't want anybody to know, and I don't blame you." She mumbled as her eyes shifted nervously from Tegan's uncomfortable form to her own drawing.

"Is this_ 'Let's make Tegan feel even more bad about herself'_ week?" Tegan's emotions once again betrayed her as her voice began to crack and the salty liquid took its position marching at the edges of her eyes. "Because if it is, then congrats, it's working just fine." She sniffled, with a glower becoming visible on her shaken up features.

"Oh God Tee," Released a gasp, Emy pushed what is now seeming a very unimportant work out of her sight as she walked to Tegan's standing form. "I didn't mean to upset you, I swear." She only earned a slight nod with running tears in addition. "Look at me, Tee." She reached for Tegan's now turned face to the side. If Tegan hated one thing, it was people seeing her shed her easy tears, but she knew everybody around her had seen them. Even though her face was directed in a different angle, she was still allowing herself to be pitied and sometimes made fun of by those who are much stronger than her when it came to showcasing emotions which she did not obtain the ability to bottle or preserve. "Tegan, come on. I am an idiot, please just, I didn't mean to." The last phrase came out as guilty whisper, which caused Tegan to finally eye her friend who, much to Tegan's surprise, seemed as upset as Tegan, minus the shameful tears. "I'm sorry." Emy whispered once again, reaching both arms to wrap around Tegan's neck as she joined their bodies together in a hug Tegan felt discontented to have at this very moment.

"It's okay." Whispered Tegan as she reached a hand to wipe the last remaining tears on her sticky, hot cheeks. She pushed her friend gently, not wanting to cause her embarrassment of feeling that her attempt of comfort was rejected. Tegan never adored any type of physical contact with a family member or a friend. She only longed for it from individuals she had admired in a level above friendly. Any kind of physical contact caused her to feel discomfort and awkwardness. She only allowed for her affection to be displayed rarely. Emy knew her roommate did not like to be touched or even hugged at times, but she had been closer to Tegan lately, and it caused Tegan to wonder why, shortly after Emy had planted the softest peck she had ever felt from any human being who pecked her cheeks. Her two still teary eyes flew to the light pink hue grazing over Emy's round cheeks.

"You don't need Jeremy, Tegan." Whispered Emy, voice becoming huskier than her usual one. "Millions would wish to be with you." Her right hand crept to Tegan's stray hairs sticking to her damp face, pushing them to the side while a genuine smile slowly grew on her features. "I just don't want you to be too attached to Sara, you know. She's your professor after all." Emy explained, her hands finally took their usual place to the sides of her body. Tegan hoped it was not because she had seen or felt the subtle flinches she had just let out. "I mean, I know, she's gorgeous. Even I can't deny that." She chuckled, shaking her head. "But she's still your professor you know." Yes, Tegan knew Sara was her professor. She was growing irritated by how many times Emy had made it even more obvious than it already was. "I just wanna know what is she doing to get herself inside of that little head of yours?" Emy's hand reached once again to where Tegan's expressionless face stood, this time a pointed index poked the side of Tegan's head as she jerked quickly, shifting to the side. Every movement Emy was making caused Tegan's discomfort to increase, she was not sure why suddenly she became unnerved with the presence of her friend. Perhaps it was due to the fact she was just caught in the act. Emy knew that Tegan was developing very improper feelings for a woman who she should not look at that way, or should not paint in the first place. "Aren't you going to speak?" Emy muttered with a sigh. "Talking to you gets so complicated sometimes. I wish I could understand or read what goes inside your head. You're always quiet or thinking when we are talking to you, it's like you are arranging for a crime or something." She rolled her eyes with a slight grin, causing Tegan finally to smile at the irritation she was causing with her silence.

"What do you want me to say?" Tegan asked. If she was going to defend herself and say she was not in anyway attracted to an older woman who happened to be teaching her at university, Emy was not going to buy it, if she was going to agree, it means she was going to accept the fact she was into the same sex, and Tegan's mind was still not convinced she was into women. It's just the phase again, due to complete loneliness of the heart and body.

"I don't know, anything." Shrugged Emy, taking her seat once again on the small chair facing the desk they both shared. "Look, I," She stuttered, seeming to be not sure of what she was about to say. Tegan furrowed her eyebrows as she waited. "I wanna attend one class with you, just one class, I wanna know the secret." Before Tegan was able to let words out of her now opened mouth, she was cut off by Emy already defending her request. "You're not the only one who seems obsessed with her." That was offensive, Tegan was not obsessed, she was just_ very interested_. Yes, very interested to the point she dreamed about her often and she wanted to draw her as an angel. That was not obsession, only admiration. "I heard some girls speaking of her as if she's a god or something." Emy shrugged once again. "I just wanna know what's her secret of wooing girls, you know?" She grinned at now smirking Tegan.

"Why? So you could learn how to woo them as well?" Oh yes, Emy was not going to get away from this, thought Tegan. If she had exposed her, it's time for Tegan to expose her as well.

"Maybeeeee?" Giggled Emy, the shade of light pink Tegan had seen earlier is back now but a bit darker. "Just...don't tell anyone about this now, I'm not ready to..."

"It's okay Emy," Tegan had managed to cut her off. A little support won't be harmful, she thought. "You don't need to explain, when you're ready...we can talk about it." Tegan was not doing her friend a favour, she was doing herself one. She was the one who was not ready to hear it. The speech of self homophobia Sara had once said quickly invaded her brain cells, causing her to gulp realizing that maybe she's one of those people. But she was not. She was not the least homophobic. She could not be. She was supportive, yes, but she was not ready to hear how her friend finally reached self-acceptance and bypassed the previous denial. "You can attend one class with me, just not these two weeks, because the midterm is near and Sara has been even angrier and looking more stressed than you've seen her, so ya, maybe after it?"

"She could get angrier?" Emy raised an eyebrow with a chuckle. "Oh well, I sure don't want to be called _ma'am_ once again with the accusation of not being taught manners, so ya, after midterms, why not? Just make sure she's not PMSing or in a fight with her boyfriend or whoever she's with or something." Emy waved her hands as she spoke. Tegan giggled softly.

"Oh well, that will depend on your luck." Emy was getting herself into trouble and Tegan knew bringing her to class was not a delightful idea, as she heard the words loud and clear from Sara of her dislike towards Emy, who she assumed was Tegan's girlfriend. And looking back now, Tegan can see why Sara had assumed such a thing, Emy was very friendly around her after all. She herself for a second thought Emy was going to kiss her just minutes ago when they were facing each other. It was probably just her tired mind playing tricks on her, as it had been highly active the previous weeks.

Tegan suppressed the hidden reason, which she knew too well, on why she agreed on Emy's command to attend a class with her. She was fully aware that she wanted to show Emy how great Sara was and how well spoken and smart she looked. The hints of excitement were dancing inside her stomach at the thought that Emy could be as impressed as Tegan was with the very radiant and alluring woman. She actually could not wait until Emy looked at her with an impressed look and provided her with a vocal approval of her innocent admiration towards her professor.

**...**

**Feb, 27th 2013**

"Being yourself is hard, I know that. Especially in a society that requires you to behave in a certain way, or perhaps dress in a certain way, or act in a certain way." Sara Clement spoke as she sat in her usual spot, right on top of the wooden desk at the front of the cozy classroom. Her light purple sleeveless top tucked under high-waisted, dark blue jeans. Her cotton, dark purple jacket leaning to the side, exposing the milky skin of her right shoulder. Tegan's pupils scanned sneakily every part exposed of her pale figure. She wondered if her skin was as soft as it looked. The tips of her fingers yearned to win the slightest brush on Sara's smooth-looking skin. "But you still cannot please everybody. You will never please everybody. This is your life after all, your choices are yours, your decisions are yours. What you eat, how you dress, who you love, what major you choose at university, where you spend your night out. These all belong to you, and no one can have a saying." Sara shrugged with a sweet, weak smile. Her hand pulled the almost falling sleeve of her jacket back to rest on her bony shoulder, prohibiting Tegan from having glances each and every second.

Tegan herself did not know why the simplest things Sara did, said, or projected caused her eyes to widen and brighten in uncertain excitement. It was just a tiny piece of exposed shoulder, but it drove Tegan to sit on the edge of her seat as she ogled bones and skin. Even the way Sara moved her fingers swiftly to cover her exposed shoulder caused Tegan to examine the way the long, thin fingers curled and moved then rested again on her professor's lap. Tegan only realized her hand was raised when Sara's eyes gave the signal for her to speak. "Uh..." Suddenly, forgetting what she wanted to say. She cleared her throat again, not wanting to make a fool out of herself. The question she wanted to ask was just a small one dancing in the back of her mind, but apparently, she had raised her hand unconsciously and now there was no going back, or perhaps there was, she could just say that she forgot what she wanted to ask.

"Go ahead, Tegan, you can say anything, don't worry." Sara Clement had just read her mind. Sara had just read her fucking mind. Tegan needed to absorb what had just happened. Was it that obvious? Was she shaking? All of these questions roamed inside her head as she felt her palms against the fabric of her sweater were becoming sweaty and slippery. She needed to know the power Sara has to be aware of Tegan's hesitant mind. Perhaps Sara was able to read minds. As soon as the idea hopped inside Tegan's brain, she felt her eyes slightly widen. That means Sara had seen or heard or read every kinky, nasty, creepy thing she thought of. Her cheeks flushed by the thought as she tried to shake it out of her head and focus on the dilemma she had gotten herself into.

"Okay...umm..." Tegan stuttered. Her eyes shifting from Sara to her desk and back again to connect with Sara's mirror-like, fixed, honey irises. "What if you can't be who you are out of fear?" Tegan asked, her question obviously unclear as Sara's eyebrows quirked in curiosity, begging for a further explanation. "What if you're afraid your friends, for example, or your family would be angry, or leave you, or make fun of you? What if they don't allow you to be who you want to be, or choose a certain major at university, or date a certain someone? You know, that's what I meant." Tegan found the words flowing freely out of her mouth, somehow gaining buried confidence as her set of eyes watched Sara nod at everything she said.

Sara allowed a faint sigh to escape her lips as she walked to the middle of the class, right where Tegan was sitting. Fourth row, first seat from the left. "I think I see what you mean, but you kind of mixed some things together." Sara spoke with a smile. Her tone motherly and gentle, her eyes narrowing as she eyed Tegan up and down, and the student was swallowing hard at the glassy irises being this close to her own. "Look Tegan, who you love, who you want to date, these are personal matters. Your friends are not really your true friends if they objected or displayed mockery. And why do you care in the first place?" Sara's tone rose a bit, a hint of repressed anger fighting the urge to escape her small rosy lips. "Who cares, Tegan? Tell me, who cares at the end? Your friends' satisfaction and consent or your own needs and desires? That's your life. Nobody cares at the end. Trust me."

"I know." The words came in with a vehement tone, leading Sara to immediate silence. "I mean," Her usual friendly voice taking its place again. "Sometimes you just can't help but hide things that the other might find revolting or bizarre." She wanted to hang herself when the phrase unwillingly escaped her lips. Tegan felt as if there was another person trapped inside her body, guiding her to instant doom with words she never thought she would admit in a class full of people, in front of the person she did not want to admit such things to the most. But it is too late, the words were out and Sara's smirk was growing bigger and bigger as she nodded. Tegan wondered if Sara knew what she was referring to. How could one be this dumb to let such words out of their mouth in front of strangers?

"We all own guilty pleasures to hide, Tegan Rain." The infamous wink appeared once again, sending a wave of heat and colour to rush back to Tegan's cheeks. "I am just like you, I cannot even be myself around this class, around the people I teach, around most people in fact. And I am rather positive that everyone sitting here cannot be themselves fully around us. But that's very different than the things you referred to, such as choosing a major or dating a certain someone." A grin now plastered on her features. "Do not mix things, Tegan. It seems like you're trying to runaway from something." A pout covering her lips, a glare and a heated face, Tegan silently ordered her secret slaves inside the kingdom of her mind to arrest Sara Clement for embarrassing the shit out of her.

The scene of Sara enjoying Tegan's childish glares only drove Tegan to extreme anger, clenching her fists tightly as she bit her lower lip. Her eyes burned with outrage as she watched Sara continue her now very unimportant to Tegan lecture. If Sara had secrets that she wanted to hide, Tegan was now determined to find them. Sara Clement would not runaway from her. She was going to get under Sara's skin, just a bit of focus, just a bit of thinking, a tiny bit of stalking and intelligence. She was going to understand what's her deal, and why she caused Tegan unjustified anger with simple words she had said. Tegan knew for sure if it was another professor who answered her the same way, she would not have cared at all. But it was Sara who told her she was running away from something. Something only her mind should have told her she is running away from. Her pure, sinful attraction to the lady who had just exposed her.

"Have a nice weekend, doctor." Tegan said with a grin. It caused Sara to turn her focus from the three students chatting with her, as the class had just ended, to Tegan's form standing near the door, ready to walk out. She looked uncertain at first but soon her lips curled to form what seemed to be a sly smile as Tegan grinned wider, gums and teeth showing.

"Thank you, Tegan Rain. You too." Tegan watched the ghost of a smirk Sara has just released as she nodded, turning her attention back to the students. Tegan couldn't really help herself but say a thing to Sara at the end of the class. Her body itched to get the mere contact even if it was just a simple smile or a couple of words. She was angry, not at Sara, but at herself, or perhaps at Sara as well. She did not know why, but she was angry.

**...**

On Saturday night, Tegan joined her friends at their usual seat in the bar, sharing giggles, jokes and laughs here and there. They listened as Tegan whined about midterms and as Lindsey whined about men. Some slight traces of awkwardness were present in the booth. Tegan's eyes constantly shifting from Jeremy to Lindsey. A smirk plastered on her lips each time her eyes connected with Jeremy. Emy, however, kept trying to direct all the attention on herself and Tegan was bothered at how Emy kept reacting or trying to open a new subject once her eyes and Jeremy's met. She did appreciate the support of her friend, but she did not want it, she needn't someone to try and lighten up the hazy atmosphere. If she had wanted that, she was able to do so herself. But soon enough, the atmosphere was already changed by not Emy nor Tegan, but by a lady taking a seat at the same table she once was spotted at a month or so ago.

A gasp, a breath, and four pairs of shifty eyes suddenly taken over by silence and surprise. Tegan quickly shifted her gaze to focus on the half empty beer bottle in front of her. She could feel Emy's gentle breaths against her cheek when the blue-eyed brunette scooted closer to her. The last thing Tegan wanted was to make a scene.

Tegan and Emy were in a position that if Sara just focused she could face them directly. She thanked the Lord silently that Jeremy's and Lindsey's backs were facing Sara's small body. Hopefully Jeremy was tall enough that Sara was not going to notice how close Emy had suddenly gotten to Tegan.

Sneaky eyes scanned every tiny move Sara had been doing for the past half an hour she had joined the tipsy place. Finally, Emy had managed to give Tegan a bit of a space and sat again as she was. Tegan only hoped that her professor did not hear the kinky jokes her friends were telling, it brought her secondhand embarrassment as they slowly got drunk and began to project their immaturity.

Chatter and laughter were shortly interrupted by a phone ringing causing her male friend to stand up quickly. "I'll have to take this outside. I'll be right back." Jeremy mumbled, staring at his screen. He rushed out leaving the sight he was covering fully exposed to Tegan's longing eyes. Sara Clement with narrowed eyes, smug smirk, and a light blue button down, staring with enchanting confidence at Tegan's slightly opened mouth, sweaty brow, and big, thunderstruck eyes.

"Hello to you too, Ms. Rain." Nodded Sara with a chuckle. Her index toying with a page of her opened book set before her.

Clearing her throat, Tegan quickly replied, "Sorry, didn't see you there." She quickly regained her composure as she reminded herself of her secretive plan of getting to know Sara and her dirty little secrets. "My friend was shielding you."

"Why aren't you studying for your midterm which is basically next week?" Asked Sara as her eyes were focused on the woman with a scowl sitting beside Tegan.

"I don't want to be rude, but you're technically not my professor right now and you can't really ask me any questions about the subject." Emy laughed as Sara narrowed her eyes more and more boosting Tegan's crushed confidence.

"I see." Sara nodded slowly. "You're still upset about what I said yesterday." It was not a question, it was a statement, followed by a smirk as Sara leaned back a bit, folding her arms beneath her chest.

"Excuse me?" Eyebrows quirked as she felt the cursed hotness climbing to her face. "What you said did not upset me, and if it seemed like that to you then..." Tegan fought the urge not to say any offensive word. She knew from rumours that getting on Sara's bad side would end up in her failing the subject even if she deserved an A.

"Then what?" It was a shout, no, it was a whisper. Tegan couldn't decide what it was, but Sara's raspy tone drove Tegan's heart to beat faster than it already did, she predicted her soon to come heart attack caused by rude Sara.

"Never mind." Muttered Tegan, rolling her eyes as dramatically as she could. Lindsey was silently shaking her head, but Emy's hand was already on Tegan's knee, giving gentle squeezes each time Sara spoke. If Emy thought that was a way to calm Tegan down, she was rather mistaken.

"Thought so." Sara stated as she won the battle she can never lose. She stood up as her eyes still focused on Tegan's glassy honey irises.

"Where are you going?" Tegan felt a slap on the knee caused by her friend as she asked the question she did not think of until it slipped out of her mouth.

Sara raised an eyebrow and chuckled. "That's none of your business, Ms. Rain." She walked as her student watched her swaying hips, hugged tightly by the black fabric of her pants. She did not even care about the answer she had just gotten, after all, she kind of deserved it for her nosiness. She did not even pay attention to how Sara uttered her surname with a hiss and a different kind of rasp, adding emphasis in her soft tone to make it sharp and husky. What caught her attention was Sara's walking form, the way she wished she would earn a handful of Sara's full bum or to caress the sides of her curvy hips as they swayed. But soon, her thoughts were rudely interrupted by an irritated Emy.

"Told you she's an evil bitch." Tegan rolled her eyes and took a sip of her beer, perhaps tonight she needed a second bottle.

**...**

**May 3rd, 2043**

Maybe Sara hurt me, maybe I deserved it. Maybe she had no other option but to do what she had to do. I don't know. She did not tell me. We did not meet again. No, we won't meet again. If we were destined to meet once again, it would have happened, trust me. Sara is just a left out chapter in my hit novel, only exclusively read by those with the luck. And you, yes you, you are lucky my friend. Oh, somebody else who knows about this? Emy does, Jeremy as well. They know. They were around. Oh no, Lindsey did not know. You see, Lindsey was not a close friend to me as she was to Jeremy, and after university we did not really interact. We never connected in the first place. She spoke about how hot men were and I spoke about how annoying men were. Never got along when it came to subject matter. She wished to have as attractive of a body as Sara's, I wanted to touch that attractive body. Different motives, I tell ya.

I know, I know you are wondering why am I married to a man. You obviously know that I don't love him. My denial had never faded. It did only when Sara was around. I thought the only woman I'd love was Sara. I thought I would only be attracted to Sara and return to my attraction to men after. I am admitting it to you right now, I am a homosexual, and who knows besides you? Perhaps Sara and Jeremy? Emy? My family, perhaps? I did sleep with other women after Sara, it was sort of a one night thing, you see. I was deeply injured in every aspect as we were in the middle of a complicated relationship and I slept with someone just to injure Sara, only to have karma working against me. I deserve every blow of the wind that crashed against my windows and kidnapped Sara away from me. Sara knew she would go, but she did not tell me. Perhaps she did. She always used literature to speak what she couldn't verbalize, and I was quite dumb to comprehend what she uttered.

_And the sun had already turned at midday; my eyes were tired by looking but not sated, when I fell into the water, and she disappeared._


	8. Fall Under The Spell

**Chapter 8: Fall Under the Spell.**

**May 3rd, 2043**

It's getting pretty warm up here, isn't it? Oh yes, summer is coming. I used to love the month of May back in the days. It meant the start of the summer for me. The weather was nice, not too cold, not too warm. It suited my sensitive skin and moody mind. Even the best flowers I loved bloomed in May. I loved Roses. I still do, I mean I named one of my daughters Rose. Roses were my favourite flowers. No, not red roses, white ones, actually. I loved white roses. I have no idea why. They smelled better, that I can assure you of. And they looked neat. Don't laugh, they did look neat, perhaps fancy. They reminded me of purity, innocence and, happiness. Can you guess what were Sara's favourite flowers? No, not red roses. They were red Tulips. I loved Tulips since before meeting Sara. Actually, they were somehow my favourite for a while. James once got me a Tulip after a small fight. I accepted it and we made up. But Sara was not that kind of a person. She did not get me flowers or sing me to sleep. Wait, actually she did sing me to sleep once or twice, it was in mockery, though. She loved making fun of my last name. She would use any song that had_ 'Rain'_ in it and sing it to me and then she'd laugh and I'd laugh. Her laugh was the sweetest lullaby she let out of her lips. Where were we? Oh yes, I got distracted once again. Tulips. Yes, Sara's favourite flowers were Tulips. They were so hard to find sometimes, so I usually just got her roses. She mostly put them in a vase in her small kitchen which was connected to a small living room. They stayed there until they died after three or four days.

I am sorry, I apologize, I keep getting distracted and move from one memory to another. I know, my mind is a troublesome mess. I will never get rid of the many rooms inside. Too much doors and a pile of dust in each corner. Some memories belong to other rooms but they are in completely different ones. It's a beastly mess in there, trust me. That's how you become when you age. Too many memories and you cannot focus on one thing. Every memory leads to another. You know what's funny? All these past thirty years of my life I have found Sara dancing like a small happy penguin inside each memory. I always managed to connect her to things she had nothing to do with. That image makes you laugh, doesn't it? Oh, you want to see how Sara looks? I'm afraid I do not have a picture of her anymore. I mean I did own one I took out of her wallet, creepily and secretly. I am not a thief, don't you dare call me that. Why I feel offended now. She used to look into my bags all the time. It was normal, we always did it for each other. I know you were joking, I was joking as well. What happened to the picture? Nothing really, it's still there with the necklace she loved and some papers she corrected and other emails we shared. It's in a box I hid when I got married. Did not want my husband to find out about it. But I don't have it with me now. Much like you, I'm kind of a tourist here. Actually, I came here for an important business I must have done along time ago but I always slacked. Now I have the opportunity and time. It's not important what it is. What's important is the story I'm telling you.

**...**

**March, 3rd 2013**

"I'm going to fail, Emy. I'm going to fail." Cried Tegan as she lowered her head, emptying what is left in her stomach inside the toilet. Emy rubbed her back gently as she gagged, trying to empty the remaining juices of her stomach. She felt as if her guts were about to fly out of her mouth. It was a stinging pain trying to get rid of what was not there. She clenched her naked stomach tightly, taking few breaths. Fresh tears escaped her bloodshot eyes.

"You're not going to fail. You always say that, Tegan, calm down." Emy whispered with a soothing tone. She held Tegan's shoulder-length hair all in one hand and rubbed small circles at the top of Tegan's half exposed back. "Come on, Tee," She helped her friend up and led her towards the sink after Tegan flushed the toilet now that nothing was left to let out. "Wash your mouth and brush your teeth." Emy instructed, already squeezing some toothpaste into Tegan's glittery, yellow toothbrush. She rubbed her shoulder above the straps of Tegan's black sports bra. Tegan watched carefully as Emy's big blue eyes looked at her own through the mirror. Silently, she thanked the Lord for having such a caring roommate. Even though Emy was clingy at times, Tegan did not know what she would have done without her. Emy often joked that one day she's gonna end up bathing Tegan since the younger girl barely managed anything on her own.

This is not the first time Tegan went into such a panic mood before an exam. No, it became very natural and frequent for Emy to watch this common scene. Tegan often suffered panic attacks before an exam she feared or important events. Puking and crying with incoherent sentences and nervous shouts of pure panic disturbed the rooms next to Tegan's and Emy's but it never disturbed Emy, and Tegan was thankful that her roommate was able to bear the onerous weight of Tegan.

And today was no exception. Today is the Intercultural Communication midterm. Tegan, being the kind of student she is, she has already finished the subject twice the previous week. But she assumes that she has forgotten most of the contents. While studying it for the third time, she had no time to finish the last two units due to lack of focus and attention. One hour she toyed with the pages and tore tiny pieces, throwing them around her untidy bed. The other she listened to music and hummed while she jotted down lyrics and thoughts on the notebook, which was already filled with tiny, hard to read notes she took in Sara Clement's class. Her font was unreadable to others but to her it was easily read. She also found excuses to eat what's in her fridge every few minutes. Mac and cheese leftovers that Jeremy had managed to cook for her and Emy and send it to them the night before. She moaned at the homemade meal's taste. She hasn't had one since she and Emy visited Jeremy in October. It was her first time visiting Jeremy's apartment. Jeremy was not a brilliant cook, in fact, he was pretty mediocre, but Tegan craved any meal that did not contain the greasy fat of fast food restaurants she always stuffed her face with. She began to worry slowly as her weight started to increase and her pants managed to tighten around her thighs, struggling to be zipped and buttoned.

What Tegan also did was smile foolishly as the thought of her professor crossed her mind, the smile turned to a scowl when she recalled how her professor was acting timid and rather shaky around her. She did not understand why Sara often sneaked glances at her then shifted her eyes towards somebody else's when an eye contact happened. Their small encounter at the bar seemed to be upsetting to Sara as much as it was to Tegan. After that, she remained angry at Sara for the past week, cursing her name out loud and inside her mind. Emy was rejoicing the fact she found a companion who shared her mysterious dislike towards Sara. Tegan knew that every cuss word she said was not meant, it only left her mouth out of pure frustration. But inside, Tegan felt her stomach erupting in hurtful, nervous butterflies as soon as the image of the dainty brunette found itself painted in every angle inside her head.

"You did not finish it?" Asked Emy, brushing the damp hairs sticking to Tegan's tear-stained cheeks.

"No." Tegan let out a throaty whisper. Her throat ached for water to ease the ache. And it seems like Emy had heard her body calling for the natural liquid. She led Tegan out of the bathroom, reaching for the small fridge they shared and grabbing a bottle of cold water, hurriedly handing it to the thirsty girl sitting on her bed. Tegan swallowed the cold liquid, still feeling the minty fresh taste of the toothpaste she just had inside her mouth. Finally finding the ability to speak and breathe normally, she said, "I have two units left, I don't think I can finish them at all."

"You still have two hours Tegan, why don't you just try to read what you can?" Emy advised as she picked up Tegan's dirty shirt from the ground, throwing it in the hamper. It was only eleven in the afternoon. As it was supposed to be a break for Emy and Tegan after classes, but Tegan was not able to calm herself down after looking at the time and finding it nearing her exam time. She had managed to pull herself out of bed this morning and attended the three classes she's supposed to attend. As the last class before break was shared with Emy, her roommate noticed the change in color and sudden fear displayed on Tegan's face. She knew immediately what was about to come, so she decided to save herself and Tegan the prying eyes and the embarrassment by dragging her back to their dorm. Unfortunately, Emy was a bit too late, Tegan ended up emptying the contents of her stomach at the door step, causing her purple shirt to be stained, as well as the floor beneath Tegan's feet. Tegan pushed her friend away as she cleaned the mess she made. As she was getting her body rid of the stained shirt, she felt the same feeling back inside her stomach, she quickly left her shirt on the ground and hurried to the bathroom, her friend following behind.

"I only have an hour and fifteen minutes, Emy, and I even have a class in that remaining hour. I wasted the whole time with my stupid panicking, God I hate myself." Tegan groaned. She pushed her head down to leave it resting on her mattress, her hands covering her face as she whined. Slowly, the nerves of her body finding the proper position to rest and be as active as they were. She felt the energy slowly returning and her body relaxing in the chilliness of the room. Goosebumps appeared on her half covered torso, the feeling of cold creeping to Tegan's system after the fire she was feeling was extinguished and completely gone. The colour returning to her face and her breathing is steady once again. This is the part she waited for usually, the part of waking up after panicking and deciding she needn't give a simple fuck about what's going to happen. It usually came right before an important event or an important exam, after her body got rid of all the poison and negativity it had been carrying for the period around the very important event that unnerved Tegan to the fullest. "You know what? Fuck it, I don't give a fuck anymore." She sat up with a frustrated frown, brushing her outgrown fringe out of her face. Her arms tightly hugged her torso as she noticed a familiar set of blue irises focused on her chest. She loved Emy, but lately the woman's behavior was puzzling her. Now that Emy came out to her completely, her eyes had been wandering none stop to Tegan's body. She wondered if her body was that attractive that Emy's eyes were always enlarged with twinkles and sparks. Emy always took care of Tegan, but lately she's been more caring to the state of suffocation.

For a moment, Tegan pondered whether her friend might be growing a crush on her or was interested in her in a way that passed the friendship level. But soon enough she shook the selfish thoughts out of her head. Who would be interested in her, anyway? Nobody for sure. And Emy was a very beautiful lady, her eyes were blue and big, and her smile was sweet and lovely. Any girl would be lucky to have her, she would not even go for Tegan. And Tegan did not mind at all, she was not into Emy, she was into someone else, someone whose presence not only sent electrical jolts to her heart, but also terrorized Tegan with every scan of her eye and every shift within her body.

"That's my Tee." Beamed Emy, her cheeks flushed and her eyes blinked as she tried hard not to stare at Tegan's covered chest and fit stomach. "Here, you seem cold." Emy stuttered as she pulled a sweater out of Tegan's side of the closet, giving it with shaken hands to Tegan.

**...**

Somehow the classroom seemed bigger than it usually did in Tegan's eyes today. The seats seemed further and the students seemed less. Her body felt cold yet she felt sweat forming inside her small palms, she felt the pen slowly slipping out of her grip as her stomach tightened in nervous, scared knots. The wait for Sara to enter the class and hand each and everyone their papers seemed longer than those days she had to wait for her mother for hours and more to pick her up from Middle School. She always despised these days, her mother often had a surgery she needed to perform, or a sudden child birth that sprang out of nowhere to leave Tegan waiting alone with a growing hate towards her mother's job.

A running woman with a shinning grin upon her face finally entered the class, causing the frightened students to cut off their chatter and sit in silence, waiting for the papers clutched tightly to Sara's chest to be handed to them. "How are you guys today?" Sara asked as her grin grew wider. "I'm so excited." She said with a giggle ringing inside the empty classroom, waking up Tegan from the thoughts she was deeply engrossed in, leaving her heart to throb and melt into sensational warmth her organs had never experienced before. She was afraid she would collapse at the beauty and charm Sara was vibrating towards the room.

Sara received no answers, everyone was too exhausted from over-thinking, studying, preparing, trying their hardest to cram the last information their minds allowed them to squeeze inside. Except Tegan, she was surely exhausted, her mind was fairly crammed and tired, but not with educational material, everything she had studied and memorized is now far from her reach. One thing took every small space inside her mind and it was Sara. Yes, it was the fair dame who occupied Tegan's shattered kingdom. She took every part of her slowly fallen castle and sat on the throne as Tegan bowed in devotion to the conqueror of her used to be locked mind.

While everybody focused on the paper that had their fate in this subject being given to them, Tegan focused on Sara's exposed knees, her fragile looking legs, pale as the rest of her body. She wondered how such thin legs were able to carry Sara from place to place as they looked so very weak and wobbly. Her black skirt hugged her small waist tightly, a light blue button down tucked underneath it, helping the fabric to tighten around the swell of her medium sized breasts.

When Sara approached Tegan's, unconsciously, shaken up form, a gentle smile curled upon her lips. Tegan swallowed hard as the paper slipped out of Sara's hand and rested on the desk in front of her. She couldn't help but take a close look at Sara's pale legs, noticing they were clad in a silky, transparent pantyhose to keep her cold-looking figure warm.

"Take a deep breath, sweetie." Very tender whispers left Sara's mouth and rang straightly into Tegan's perking up ears. She let out a faint gasp out of her lips when Sara's warm palm rubbed just beneath her shoulder, sliding slowly to reach the middle of her back. She prayed that Sara did not notice the shameful gasp she had let out, but the evidence on Sara's ears proved otherwise. She tried to look up and she wished she wouldn't have done such a deed. As her eyes slowly connected with Sara's, she jumped, causing Sara's grip to tighten on her back.

These eyes Sara owned were not natural, they were not normal, and Tegan could swear to you, and if you gave her the time she would prove it. Sara was a demon, thought Tegan. These eyes of her were in dirty business to hypnotize Tegan and make her fall under the spell that Sara wanted. And Sara won because now, Tegan has fallen. These eyes were not only frightening but they were hard to ignore. One could not simply shift their gaze to somewhere else while these eyes were sharply focused on them. They were digging, they were searching and screaming, and Tegan could not read any sign Sara's eyes were trying to tell her. She knew she was sending the signs but Tegan was illiterate when it came to the language of eyes. She did not know the bases or the rules, she just knew how to surrender and nod her head like a fool, but she did not know how to respond to such stares.

"Oh honey," Whispered Sara, her hand moving from Tegan's back to her very cold face, she even flinched at the touch, but kept her hand on Tegan's forehead. "Are you okay? You seem very pale." Stated Sara but there was no answer, just a quick nod. "Are you sure you can take the exam? It's very easy, but if you're not feeling well..."

"I'm fine, it's okay, I can take it." Tegan cut her off, as she took a long deep breath, after Sara's warm touch left her cold skin. She felt the tears build up on the bridge of her eyes. She bit her lower lip as hard as she could in order to swallow the tears back inside. The warmth of Sara's touch caused Tegan to feel what she had never felt, her body had never responded to a human's touch as much as it did to Sara's. Not even Jenn's rough palms kneading her clothed chest caused her body to heat in aching need. She felt the throbbing pain of her core increasing as Sara's breaths hit her face. She knows what this is, she often read about it, she heard about it, this is lust, right? This is what it feels like to want someone to touch you more but at the same time their touch causes you a sudden soreness inside your core? Yes, that must be what it was.

But it was not the time, not the proper time, not the proper place, not the proper person. No, this was all wrong. She should not have thought about that. Her body betrayed her and Sara must have felt it. What about the students present in class? Did they notice? Did this take longer than seconds or it only seemed like that to her? Because when she finally escaped back to reality and eyed the full room, nobody was paying attention, every head was focused on the paper before them. That was reality, and Tegan's mind was playing tricks on her. She must be looking stupid and childish to Sara's scanning gazes. What about the names? Sweetie? Really? Honey? Was she imagining? Did Sara call all her students like that? What if Sara meant it in a more of a motherly gesture? No, Tegan did not want that. She was thinking prohibited thoughts around the person who she should not be thinking the way she thought about them and the last thing she needed was for that person to consider her as their child. No, Sara seemed very young to have a child as old as Tegan. Sara even looked younger than Tegan herself at times. No, no, Sara did not mean that in a motherly way. She meant it in a gentle gesture. Yes, nothing else.

**...**

Saying that Tegan was paying attention to what she was writing would be a disastrous lie. The only thing that occupied Tegan's attention was her professor and the time left until she left the class and perhaps took a shower to get rid herself out of her shamefully damp underwear.

When Tegan looked down at the answer sheet before her, she noticed she took more space to answer each question than was required. She wondered if it was allowed to answer a question on the back of the paper since she had no space left. She took the chance to ask her professor out of curiosity and not for other selfish reasons such as hearing Sara's voice close to her ears one more time. Sara quickly walked up to Tegan when she glanced at her raised hand.

"Yes, ba..." Sara cleared her throat cutting off what she was about to say, a rosy hue climbing up to her face and ears as it caught Tegan's attention at the sudden change in Sara's features. "Yes, Tegan?" Her voice huskier than usual as she bit her lower lip with a faint bashful smile.

Did she get embarrassed? What was she about to say? Tegan had never seen Sara's features change from screaming womanly confidence to lisping childish sheepishness. The way she bit her lower lip, oh dear, it certainly caused a pool to form in Tegan's underwear. Oh, how she wished she'd taste these lips on her own, she'd brush her tongue over the lower, extra pouty lip and taste the rosy softness it carried. She wondered if Sara would be as shy if she did lick her lip asking for innocent entrance to explore her mouth with her own tongue.

"Tegan?" Sara called as her eyebrows furrowed, waiting for the lost in thoughts girl to speak.

"Oh, sorry." Tegan apologized, now the turn for her to have her cheeks darkened with colour. "I just wanted to ask if I could continue the fourth question on the back since I have no space left?" Tegan asked as her eyes gazed at her professor's clenched jaw and focused stare.

"Wow, you have written a lot, what are you writing exactly? A novel?" It's the soft giggle once again, it twittered through Tegan's ears, guiding her to grin widely, exposing her teeth and gums.

But that grin quickly diminished as Sara leaned down a bit, flipping through Tegan's answer sheet. Tegan's eyes only widened at the sight in front of her prying, needy eyes. This is what she wanted to see, yes, this lovely sight her eyes needed to see. Sara's perfectly shaped breasts squeezed in a small lacy turquoise bra that barely covered the two mounds. Suddenly, Tegan forgave every person who couldn't take their eyes off her own chest, now she was just like those hungry eyes which looked at her with astonishment. She wanted, no, she _needed_ to attach her palms to Sara's round breasts, no shame in such need, it just flew naturally inside Tegan's system, mingling and mixing with the blood flowing within arteries and veins.

"Umm," Sara cleared her throat once again as she stood straight, her hand toying with the collar of her shirt as a smirk slowly appeared on her lips. "Sure, you can write wherever you want, I don't mind more writing, in fact I encourage it." She answered and swayed her hips to another student with a raised hand.

Tegan was afraid she was caught guilty in the act of staring, but Sara seemed unaware, or unbothered. Whether she was caught or not, she had already caught Sara staring once or twice at her own chest, so Sara basically had no excuse to be angry as she herself was caught in the act as well.

When it was time to hand the papers, Tegan was one of the last few remaining in class. Finally after re-reading what she had written and making sure it made sense, she stood up to hand the paper to standing Sara with a smile plastered on her lips. The exam was not hard, however it was not easy. Most of the questions were not direct and were not from the book. They were essay questions which depended on opinions and personal views with a requirement for justification and further explaining on each point. Tegan did the best she could, she even put examples about cultures from her own personal life. Nothing too personal though, just plain simple examples.

"Thank you honey, good luck." Sara smiled, no, winked. Actually smiled, then winked. Yes, and Tegan did too. Not the wink, the smile. She smiled too. The wink no more caused her face to flush but she did feel a heat in her body as it happened. They were in March and still to this day, Tegan noticed that Sara did not wink at anybody but herself. Not even to her favourite, Rob. She did not even look at him the way she looked at Tegan. Perhaps she was only imagining. Yes, certainly imagining. But what about the names? The _'honey_'? She just heard her wishing good luck to everybody handing in their sheets and not a simple_ honey_ or a _sweetie_ was uttered. Once again, only to Tegan. Is it because Tegan seemed childish? Is it because Sara thought she was sick? All these questions had no answers and one day they will have no room inside Tegan's mind.

**...**

After walking in quick, rushed paces, Tegan aimed straightly towards the bathroom, ignoring her roommate who quirked an eyebrow at hard-breathing Tegan who slammed the door shut and leaned against it taking deep breaths, face flushed from walking and from the heated, tensed situation her body was going through.

Before she could lock her door, she felt it being pushed slightly behind her, causing her to stumble a bit while stepping aside, allowing the curious girl to slowly walk in.

"Is everything okay? Was it too hard? Did you do well? Why did you rush inside? Why do you look so exhausted? What's going on?" Emy allowed Tegan no proper space to open her mouth and give answers. She sighed, waiting for Emy to finish the flow of questions so she could finally speak.

"First of all, I could have been naked in here, you know. Second of all, everything is fine, I think I did okay. Not too good but ya, I won't fail." She shrugged, turning her focal point towards the mirror in front of her, slightly gasping at the horrible sight before her eyes. Brows coated with sweat and cheeks rosy in color. Her bottom lip slightly chapped from over-biting and her hair sticking out in every direction. Yes, she definitely needed a cold, relaxing shower at the moment and Emy was being nothing but a rude intruder to her personal space.

"You always lock the door if you're doing...some business and it wasn't locked, so ya. Sorry anyway." Emy shrugged, finally grinning at sighing Tegan who rolled an eye once again. "Jeez, Tee, relax. I wanted to make sure you're doing fine." Said Emy with a hint of irritation.

"Alright, sorry, I just need a good shower, I'm just...a bit tired." Mumbling the last words, she pulled her sweater over her head to get rid of the material that was hugging her heated body. "Soooo..." Tegan pursed her lips together. "Are you going to let me shower in peace or do you wanna join the audience?" Tegan motioned to an empty bathroom as if it was crowded with cheering crowds waiting for Tegan to perform her hit song.

"I wouldn't mind the second option." Joked Emy, or that's what Tegan hoped. Blushing quickly and grinning wildly was natural from Emy, right? Right, Emy was a shy girl...Around Tegan anyways. "Relax, I'm just kidding." Huffed the brunette after noticing Tegan's quirked eyebrow and subtle scowl. She gently left the bathroom, shutting the door to give Tegan the privacy she asked for.

Tegan sighed as she eyed the visible bags underneath her eyes. She wondered if the cause was her lack of sleep, or the tears and exhaustion of this day, or the over-thinking about the lady who got herself deeply under Tegan's skin. She got herself rid of her sneakers and her dark blue socks. Messily toying with the button and the zipper of her jeans until she was able to get herself rid of the cramped feeling around her lower abdomen. She sighed in relief as she kicked her jeans down her ankles and stepped out of them.

Tegan adjusted the shower's head to her requirement and toyed with the faucet as she watched the water beginning to splash down. She dipped two fingers and quickly pulled away as extremely cold water caused her thin bones to ache. She adjusted the faucet deciding she should just step under warm water since it was too hard for her to bear the cold at first. Waiting for the water to shift to a warmer degree, she slipped her sports bra straps down her toned arms until she pulled the thin fabric over her head, throwing it to the floor where her clothes were resting. She tugged the thin material covering her lower body with a quick, swift movement. Her face immediately filled with heat as the scent of her sex flew to her nostril. Stepping out of her black boxer briefs, she took a quick glance at the pool she formed inside the fabric, her right hand subconsciously flying to her own dripping folds. The red hue on her cheeks increased as she let a soft sigh when her index touched her throbbing clit.

She eyed the running water and quickly stepped underneath it, she sighed softly as her bones started to relax bit by bit as pure warm water hit every inch of her body. But that feeling in her core was only causing her terrible ache and it did not seem that it was going to vanish anytime soon. Once again her hand slid down passing the patch of curls, jumping a bit as her index and middle finger contacted her swollen clit. She had never done this before, never touched herself. She never saw the need in that, no person ever made her as wet as she was at the moment. Her pussy never ached for a touch, and being around Emy all the time did not give her the freedom to do so.

Emy soon enough occupied Tegan's attention when she recalled that the girl was just outside the closed door of the bathroom. Maybe a curtain and a door with walls did separate them, but that act she was doing while her friend was just outside made her feel shameful, but at the same time it caused her need for release to increase.

She quickened her pace around her button as her other hand palmed her breast, feeling her hard nipple on the soft skin of her palm. She let out soft gasps and low whimpers, trying her hardest not to make a sound that would alarm the woman behind the closed door. The pleasurable feeling increased inside of Tegan's core that she had to bite her lower lip to forbid herself from letting out a scream. It was her first time being rubbed in such a place, and she was very close to hitting her climax but she needed more, she wanted more, she wanted something to fill her inside. She moved her index to the pool of her entrance and timidly pulled it away, suddenly fear that pleasure might turn to pain overwhelmed her. She decided to get back to her clit and circle it harder than before.

As she squeezed her own full breast, the image of Sara bent in front of her, allowing her to have the best view of her chest, clad in a small lacy bra, erupted in her mind, sending shocks to her sex, causing her legs to feel flabby and weak, almost giving up on her. She couldn't fathom how a woman was causing her to feel that way. She bit her lip as hard as she could, sure enough it will cause it to bleed eventually, and she threw her head to the back as water ran on the curves of her body. She felt herself reaching the edge quickly. Her grip tightened around her breast as her fingers very quickly rubbed her throbbing button.

She couldn't resist the urge to slip out a high pitched tiny scream as she rode her climax, but quickly she pushed her face onto her arm, muffling the voice that should not be heard. Her lips finally ajar permitting her to breathe as she calmed down slowly. Her eyes finally opened and her fingers leaving her over sensitive clit. Now able to stand straight as her breathing steadied and her body reached the level of relaxation she was aiming for, she sighed in pure relief as the water drenched her body and washed off the traces of her fluids on her hand.

While showering, all Tegan was able to think of is how a woman all of a sudden, out of the blue, where she herself did not expect, just emerged and caused everything in Tegan to feel things she did not know she could feel. Life was funny and ironic. She couldn't believe such a woman who is probably much older than her and happened to be her professor could make her end up touching herself secretly and shamelessly in a bathroom while her roommate was just behind a wall. If that woman knew about Tegan's deed she would probably be sick to her stomach or consider the girl a creep.

As soon as such a thought hit her mind, Tegan's mood shifted and altered from relaxed to clouded. She just realized that she wanted Sara, she wanted to touch her, to feel her under her touch, to brush a hand over her body and to shower her pale skin with wet kisses. And she wanted Sara to do the same to her, she wanted Sara to do what her hand had just done to her. These feelings were new, they scared her. When she fell in love with James, it was only pure love, nothing more, nothing less. It was innocent. She just wanted to be with him, around him. She loved the attention and the sweet words and the whispers. But around Sara, it's different. It is very different. She did not only want to know her, to understand her, to be around her, but also she wanted to be touched by her, to touch her. To stare at her, to look into her demon eyes and watch them until they warm up and shift in colour just like they did today.

The new and strange feeling overwhelmed her and she couldn't help but feel a pang in her chest. She was into Sara, she was falling for Sara. But falling is a big word, but that feeling, Tegan couldn't miss it. It is making her stomach flip and her heart clench. What was she going to do now? She needed to talk about it, she needed to let it out before she collapsed in her own miserable, secret feelings that she couldn't share with anyone. Tears slowly built up inside her stinging eyes. She stepped out of the shower, reaching for her towel, quickly wrapping it around her body as she ran a hand through her hair.

Emy, she was the answer. She could tell Emy, she could trust Emy. The girl already knew anyway, so why just bottle up her feelings. If Emy was to trust her then she needed to do the same too. She wouldn't judge her, Emy was a good friend, she wouldn't do that.

She cursed under hear breath when she realized she did not bring any clothes with her. She grabbed her dirty clothes from the ground and slowly stepped outside, peeking for a bit, seeing how her roommate was engrossed in a painting she was working on. Soon enough, Emy lifted her head with an unreadable expression on her face. She watched as Tegan slowly walked towards her bed.

Tegan felt heavy eyes focused on her form as her body quickly met the cold breeze in the room, still not used to the temperature outside the bathroom's warm one. A white towel wrapped around her chest and stopping inches before her knees. When she sat on her comfortable mattress her towel rode up exposing her pale goosebumps-filled thighs.

She watched the fully dressed woman eyeing her with stern blue eyes. She knew her ptosis must be very noticeable now and she knew her eyes are still teary and puffy, her lips chapped and ready to bleed at any second.

"Why are you naked?" Emy asked after the mere seconds of silence. The last thing she thought was Emy would ask about her half nudity rather than her visible distress. Of course, she should have seen it. "I mean," Emy cleared her throat. "Aren't you cold, Tegan?" Emy asked, making her question more specific.

However, she received no answer. Tegan did open her mouth to answer but she couldn't find the energy to release a sound. She knew her voice would appear rough and raspy. Her throat hurt a bit. Heavy thoughts and frightened mind numbing her completely. Driving her whole frame to the state of speechlessness.

"Tee?" Emy asked with concern displayed in her tone. When she noticed the beginning of tears falling from Tegan's tired eyes, she rushed to the bed on the opposite side of the room, seating herself gently beside her upset friend. "What's wrong?" She whispered, worry now masking her features.

She needed to talk, she needed to speak up, to let everything out. But how? Where to start? She needed to let this feeling slip out of her chest before it tore her heart with the sharpness it held.

She sobbed, earning protective arms to wrap around her and hold her tightly, soft sounds shushing her gently. "Speak up Tegan, it's okay, talk to me." Emy begged for an answer. Another day and same crying Tegan. She wondered if Emy was sick of her mood swings and her teary eyes and her upset self. If she was her friend she would not have liked her, she would have abandoned that friendship. Tegan was hard to deal with and caused those around her to be bored of her immaturity. But she could not help it. Her tears were always stronger than her own eyes, they fought and found a way to escape and Emy always had to be the shoulder Tegan cried on. "Is it about...Her?" Emy asked carefully, clearly afraid the other girl would snap at her as she usually did.

But Tegan nodded, she only gently nodded and dragged a hand to wipe her running tears. Emy did not ask further questions, she just slipped a sigh and waited for the crying girl to speak up.

"Emy, I'm scared." She finally said, she let out the first thing that came up to her mind. The first thought, the reason she was crying. "It's strange," She said once again gaining a nod from Emy. "I've never felt that way and it's scaring me, she's scaring me." Tegan was not making sense and she knew that her friend couldn't pick up what she meant, but she was certainly trying to reveal her emotions out loud and rid her system out of the poison. "She acts so different around me, but maybe I think she does, she...She touched my back today and rubbed it and then touched my face." She watched as her friend's eyes shot open then quickly returned to their natural size. "She said all these words like _'sweetie'_, 'honey' and I almost caught her slipping, saying baby, I swear Emy, I thought I was imagining at first but no, trust me, it happened and it's so strange because I'm the only one who she looks at the way she does, and I'm the only one she smirks at, and I'm the only one she knows is in class before taking attendance, and I'm the only one she calls these names, and I'm the only one she smiles the way she does to, and it's driving me crazy, Emy, it's fucking driving me nuts and I can't fucking deal with it." She paused, allowing herself to catch a breath after speaking messily as her hands flew in each direction and her mouth grew heavy with stutters and subtle lisps and quick words Emy was barely able to join together in order to form a sentence.

"Tegan, hush, calm down, just calm down, shhh, it's okay, it's normal. It's fine." She assured, Tegan's face between her hands, pushing the damp hair away and leaving the shaken up girl to find peace in the atmosphere surrounding her.

"It's not, Emy, it's not, she's my professor, it's not. It's...It's wrong, I think I have issues. Why her, Emy? Am I gay, Emy? What's happening to me? Why her? Does she enjoy doing this? Is it too obvious? Am I a creep?" Tegan knew all these questions could not be answered by anyone but Tegan herself. After all, Emy was not feeling what she was. Emy was not experiencing this kind of torture of being teased to the edge of lost tears and foggy thoughts.

"I knew this was about to happen. I saw the way she looked at you, not once, twice, Tegan. I am not sure if that's her way of teasing or enjoying the fact you seem into her but it certainly means something." Emy's tone was not excited, it was weary, it was low and gloomy.

"What does it mean? You think she knows I'm...i..into her?"

"Maybe?" An apologetic face given to Tegan as her friend carried no specific answers. "Maybe she's enjoying it? Do you know if she's into girls or not?"

"No." Tegan quickly answered with frustration. "But," she decided to change her answer. "She does speak about homosexuality with excitement and sometimes anger while attacking homophobes, but you know she could be just a straight ally."

Emy licked her bottom lip slowly, a look on her face that told Tegan she was arranging the thoughts inside her head and trying to figure things out. "Tell you what, why don't I come with you? You know, like we arranged? To one class? I mean I'll try to understand her body language towards you."

"But," Tegan spoke, but quickly, Emy interrupted.

"I know, she doesn't like me, that's actually better, didn't she think I'm your girlfriend once? Let her think that, let's see, she might be jealous?" An unsure question left Emy's mouth.

"Jealous?" Tegan chuckled as if Emy had said the most absurd thing in life. "Seriously, Emily? Jealous? Look at her, she's fucking gorgeous and she can get anybody she wants. She can't be jealous of me." An eye roll accompanied by a grieved chuckle. Oh how she wished Emy was right, how she wished Sara would be jealous and would want her as much she wanted her. But this is a dream, one that will not come true.

"Why not, Tegan? Why can't she be jealous?" Her furrowed eyebrows and her scowl took over her sweet smile and soothing eyes. "Look at you, Tegan. You're _fucking gorgeous_ as well, and trust me, you too can get anybody _you_ want. You're young, you're beautiful, you have an amazing body and killer boobs, your smile can fucking drive the anger away from a person and you're hot. Here, I am saying it, I am admitting it. I am a lesbian and I have eyes, you are fucking beautiful and fucking hot, so why wouldn't she be jealous? Huh?"

Tegan was certainly taken aback by Emy's words of encouragement, but Emy was her friend, she would feed her white lies just like her mother did when she felt ugly or fat at days. That's what family and friends do, they compliment, but do they really mean what they say?

"Of course you'd squeeze my '_killer boobs'_ in, typical Emy." Tegan rolled an eye with a thankful grin. She did need this talk, even if Emy did not mean what she said, she still needed to hear such words in order to stop her self hatred and self pity.

"Honey, it's so hard to ignore them when your towel is barely covering them at the moment. Just please get dressed." Tegan giggled, joining her friend in laughter as she clutched her towel tightly around her body, fearing she'd be fully exposed at any moment. Tegan was not much of a shy girl, but she certainly did not want to end up completely exposed in front of her friend, especially not when her friend was ogling her breasts as if they were something she had never seen in this world.

"Umm, here." Tegan quickly uttered, grabbing Emy's small hands and flattening them over her covered mounds, a rush of heat hit both of the girls' cheeks as Emy's eyes widened in excitement and bashfulness. "I..I know you want to do that, so I'm allowing you the golden chance, you pervert." Tegan giggled as she pushed Emy's hands down once again. "You're worse than the boys in gym class at high school." She giggled again as Emy grinned from ear to ear.

"Tegan?" Emy brushed her two palms over the fabric of her jeans, as if she was erasing a transparent smudge from them. Tegan walked to the closet to pull some clothes out, she turned around, waiting for Emy to say what she had to say. "What you're going through is normal. You're not a creep and you don't have issues. Sara would be lucky to have you as a lover." She said, gently but serious enough to leave Tegan in awe.

Emy was a great friend, if she searched for a better friend in this whole world, she wouldn't find someone like her. She was so glad, so thankful, so happy and very privileged to have such a supporting friend. "Thank you, Emy. Seriously, you always make me feel better, I wouldn't know what I'd do without you." Grabbing her clothes and walking to the bathroom once again, she caught the genuine smile and dreamy spark in Emy's eyes.

Talking to Emy was not a bad idea, it was good in fact, it made her tears stop and it made her brain cut her a slack. Sure, answers were not really given but Emy obviously knew how to make Tegan feel better with small pep talks, and boost her crushed confidence. She wondered if Sara had that same power as well. She wondered what it would be like to speak to Sara. Open up to her, take her opinion, be around her, hear her give advices. She wondered and wondered until she realized Sara climbed up the stairs to her brain once again. She was not going away this time, was she?

**...**

**May 3rd, 2043**

_"Was this the face that launched a thousand ships,_

_And burnt the topless towers of Ilium?_

_Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss:_

_Her lips sucks forth my soul, see where it flies!_

_Come Helen, come, give me my soul again._

_Here I dwell, for heaven be in these lips!"_

Sara loved Marlowe, it is strange, right? She hated Shakespeare but she loved Marlowe, even though they were close. Some even say that Marlowe was not really killed, they say Shakespeare was Marlowe in disguise. Sara said Marlowe is a much better writer than Shakespeare, I mean, I have to agree, you know. Shakespeare did kind of borrow some stuff from him, it seems as if he was stealing his ideas. Yes I know, I know. They also said Marlowe borrowed him his ideas. But who knows, you know? Maybe Shakespeare is just an illusion. Don't laugh, please. Sara had lots of theories about him. It made me laugh but I shouldn't have. She was actually serious when analyzing literature as if it was the air she breathed. Yes, Sara loved literature of course, but...It was not her interest back in the days when she was just getting out of high school. She said that she enjoyed reading and such, but she did not ever think it would be a part of her life as it was thirty years ago. Sara was a spectacular poet as I've heard, but she never allowed me to read any of her works. It made me angry with her, but she never gave up and let me read a thing.

Have you noticed something? No, other than Emy's eerie fondness with myself. Something else, something that has to do with numbers? Dates perhaps? Fine, I'll tell you. Three. It's the number three. What's today again? The third of May right? Yes. You realize how many things happened which were attached to that number? Thirteen or three. Kind of the same thing. No three is not my lucky number and it is not my unlucky one. It was just the number that many important things or events had happened were related to. I always found some relation to this number and it carried many situations I won't forget. It's not just my imagination, it's not just an illusion, it's not just because I believe this number is important. Mock me all you want, but this number is important. I don't care if you do not believe it. I do. I married my shall be damned husband on the third of June. The midterm exam happened in the third of March. March is also the third month in the year. My twin daughters were born in the 13th of August. And I was born in the 23rd of May. Many things will come and you will notice how three has a relation to them. That is exactly why I am telling you the dates, a little bit of focus, come on!


	9. Her Own Story

**Chapter 9: Her Own Story**

**May 3rd, 2043**

Sara and I both agreed that I was a hypocrite, maybe still am. I don't quite know. I am an awful human being. Even though she insisted that I was not, I know I was and still am. That does not make her to be the perfect angel I've always seen beneath that demon mask she displayed to the public and to her own self. If there is anyone more hypocrite than I was, it was Sara. Yes, it's Sara. She never liked to see herself as one, but she knew too well she was. It is fear darling. It is always fear that pulls away the attached arms. It is always fear that shatters love. It is always fear that does not allow you to be who you want to be. Fear makes you a hypocrite to your own being as well, trust me. You might understand it later in life, but fear is the only enemy one can have. Human beings are nothing but fragile figures affected by bigger forces than they can handle. Fear is the enemy of love, fear is the enemy of life, fear is the enemy of the human kind. Fear was Sara's mortal enemy and my own lonely friend.

You know what always angered me about Sara? She was so mysterious. As much as I hoped to be poetic and such, Sara always found a way to strike me with her mind-blowing thoughts. I've always wondered how does she think, how did her mind work? You know what's ironic? She always claimed that she was not able to understand me. She said she wished she'd get a glimpse of what goes inside my head. It's ironic because that's what I wished. She constantly managed to guess how I was feeling, so why would she want to grasp an ounce of my meaningless, teenish thoughts? They were bubbly and innocent, and I suppose that's what frightened her at times. The way I felt happy when I bounced on her large king-sized bed, and the way I always wanted things to be as perfect as they could when we spent time together. Somehow she seemed worried, timid. As if the earthquake was going to shake the bed I'm lying on and the ground would be torn in half and suck me in. Her anxious eyes were no less frightening than her cold, distant ones. Sara's eyes were Sara's eyes and they were what her world was like. A glassy box, transparent but only hiding a black space. You can look, but you certainly won't get the slightest glimpse of what's inside. It's covered by that layer of dimness after all. She only allowed me to step a foot rarely and I still cannot forget the things she said, the things she did, when that hole of darkness warmed up and shone a light of sweet honey to suck me into the never lasting fieriness.

**...**

**March, 2013**

The students have been informed by a student from another class given by Sara Clement that she was not going to be present for the class on Wednesday. Tegan sighed as she pondered why Sara has been missing plenty of classes lately. It's been happening constantly. She often apologized in the following class, she said that she is dealing with health issues, and it is against her will to be absent.

According to Tegan, Sara seemed as healthy as she first saw her. Surely, she was pale and thin, but that's Sara, it's been always a distinct characteristic of Sara that Tegan grew fond of within time. In the first week, she always found her sickly pale and bony thin, she did not consider it attractive or hot, but class after class, Tegan's wandering eyes became familiar with the slender, cold looking shape of Sara. It contrasted wholly with her own full thighs, the healthy meat on her stomach and arms, the glow in her cheeks and skin. She knew she could carry Sara easily in her arms without hurting them.

But nothing was able to stop Tegan from her growing curiosity. She wondered what was the matter with Sara. Something physical? Something mental? Perhaps it had to do with a family member of hers. Yes, it probably had to do with a family member, she seemed very well after all.

Raining thoughts soaked Tegan's hyperactive mind. She desired to know the tree that makes Sara's family, could Sara be a mother to a child, perhaps two? She seemed very young to own an offspring. Could she possibly be the wife of somebody? If so, then why was she alone at the bar, reading instead of socializing? What about friends? She has friends, everybody have friends. Nobody is alone after all, they could be lonely, but they cannot be alone.

When Tegan exposed her yearning inquisitiveness to find out such details about her professor to Emy as they dined together in the local diner, it seemed that Emy had quickly found the missing answer. _A Google search would not cause any harm_, suggested Emy. Tegan wondered why hadn't she thought of such a thing. A Google search can provide her with some answers. Not the best ones, but perhaps the basic ones.

The first thing Emy and Tegan did when they reached their dorm, at nine in the evening on Wednesday, was heading towards Emy's laptop. Seated on the chair facing the desk Emy with the girl whose stomach was about to give up on her, due to growing nerves, standing behind, Emy's fingers worked swiftly and quickly on the keyboard, typing only the keywords they wanted: _Sara Clement_.

Results indeed did appear, as Emy scrolled quickly on the first page of the results, the other standing girl felt her head get dizzy, wondering if they all carried information, wondering if she was going to find any helpful ones.

"So many results, is she like a minster or what?" Emy mumbled as she clicked on the first result. It was a PDF file in fact, and it loaded in mere seconds. The seated brunette instantly clicked on the file. A white sheet appeared, with information that Tegan was not able to guess if they were useful or not by how fast Emy scrolled down the sheet. "Seems like it's her CV." Smirked Emy with a glow in her eyes.

Tegan looked at her friend's eyes, carrying a mysterious spark, as if she found a treasure. She herself was not able to display excitement as the one Emy was showing. When Tegan finally looked at the screen, she found information she never thought she could find.

Phone numbers, fax, emails, website, her office's phone number. Her full name scribbled as: Sara Keirsten Clement. _Keirsten_, it was a nice middle name, Tegan thought. Soon enough Emy interrupted with pointing out everything on the sheet out loud.

"Holy shit, she can speak French, hot." Emy stated with a chuckle. Sometimes Tegan was not able to tell if Emy disliked Sara or had the hots for her just like herself.

"Well, we're in Montreal? Of course she knows French, Emy." Tegan stated with an eye roll.

"Nah, look." Emy pointed to more information on the screen. "She was born in Calgary and graduated high school in 1997." Tegan's attention quickly grew alert once again, if she graduated high school that means she was born in... "1980." Emy filled the blank in Tegan's mind.

"So she's like thirty-two or thirty-three now, right?" Tegan asked, rhetorically.

"Mhm, kind of young for someone with a PhD." Commented Emy as she scrolled down more. "She moved to Vancouver after, completed college and did Masters there, then worked a bit for a telephone company in 2004." She continued her loud reading. "She moved to the States for four years and took her PhD from there, then moved back to Canada and changed her residence to Montreal in 2009 till present. She lives two blocks away from uni, Tegan. She basically lives a street away from the bar." Stated Emy to bewildered Tegan. Somehow these were not the information she'd expected, they were great, now she is familiar with her residence, perhaps a bit of history. But she still needed more. She needed personal information, but those are not possibly found on the World Wide Web.

"Holy shit." Shouted Emy with eyes wide. "Fuck, Tegan, she's so smart, look." Pointed Emy once again at the screen even though Tegan was already reading what she for sure wanted to declare loudly. "Look at her SAT results in high school, she could have went to a Medical School or something. And look at her GPA. Four out of four, Tegan, who the fuck gets that?"

"Ya, all my family, Emy." Chuckled Tegan with a playful eye roll. Emy was good at what she was doing, not the greatest but she was actually good. She was able to grab good grades back to the dorm, but she wasn't as intelligent as Tegan. Tegan, however, considered herself slightly stupid compared to her mother, father, and brother. A family of surgeons and doctors. Tegan did not belong once again.

"I don't care about your vagina doctor of a mother, boobs doctor of a father, and teeth doctor of a brother. Your family have issues, thank God you're the normal one, that's what I care about." Beamed the blue eyed woman at her roommate who couldn't resist but pinch her right cheek playfully, something Tegan loved to do when Emy smiled and her cheeks seemed full and inviting for a good little pinch that left them red after.

"It's called a gynecologist, a heart surgeon, and a dentist, Emy." Snickered Tegan as her roommate stuck her tongue out. "I wish I had listened to the vagina doctor and studied French for a second language, man. I'm so dumb I insisted on Spanish. I could have wooed Sara with some sexy French accent, maybe." Sighed Tegan in what seemed like a person defeated.

"Well, I would sure encourage French more than Spanish. Just imagine you speaking it with your cute raspy voice at night, it would be a turn on." Giggled Emy, causing Tegan's eyebrow to lift and a smirk to grow on her face.

"Hey Emy, why don't you get a girlfriend? You seem a bit excited lately!" Grinned devilishly Tegan, watching her friend's face embrace the heat which seemed familiar on the shy girl's cheeks lately.

"Uh...We'll discuss that later, let's continue our search for your lady, shall we?" Muttered Emy in a suppressed tone, unnerved by thoughts Tegan was not able to replace.

Even though the phrase '_your lady'_ seemed bitter slipping out of Emy's lips, it seemed so sweet going through Tegan's ears. How she wished that Sara was her lady. If only it was real. If only it was not just a dream. But it was, and Tegan had to face it. After all, she was just a creepy girl stalking her professor online at the moment. Her professor who seemed as if she had a full, busy life.

As Emy clicked on another result, a handful of essays written by Sara Clement came up. The topics were mostly about feminism, identity in its many forms, women rights, and gender issues. Both girls were very interested in such topics, and Tegan made a mental note to read each and every essay Sara had scribbled when she had the proper time.

"Can you find if there is any medical records or like, you know, something important?" Tegan asked with a shaky chuckle.

"You mean something slightly personal and mostly private? You creep." A devious smirk was thrown in Tegan's way by her roommate.

"Shut up and just search." But before Tegan was able to finish her command, the screen was immediately changed to another webpage both girls were very familiar with. "That's her Facebook profile." Stated Tegan in astonishment.

"You're welcome." Emy leaned back on the chair, finding triumph in her business.

"Emy, it's fucking private, you basically did nothing, I can't see anything." Glowering, Tegan scrolled down trying to find a piece of information to guide her through Sara's mystery path.

"That's not my fucking problem. Calm the fuck down." Yelled Emy as she pushed her roommate's fingers away roughly from the scrolling bar and clicked on Sara's profile picture, glad that she was able to view it and view the comments. A picture of Sara in what seems like high-waisted grey trousers, a brown belt and a black, half-sleeved top tucked underneath.

The top was slightly tighter than the clothing Sara usually wore at university. It accentuated her breasts and put her collarbones in display, a sight Tegan can never grow tired of watching. These two bones seemed very sharp sitting there on her body. She wanted to trace them, to brush her fingers against them.

First thing caught Tegan's shiny orbs was the lonely tattoo on Sara's arm. It was a tattoo of a ship amidst the ocean. The ship somehow seemed nearing wreckage as the waves of the water were drowning it. The black ink appeared very bright and dazzling on Sara's pale skin.

Sara was not smiling in her picture. She was standing in what seemed like a field. There was green grass behind her. And the sun was the luminous factor in the whole picture. It lightened her hair to make it lean towards light brown, even golden on the top of her head. Her eyes were squinting as she was trying to avoid the rays of the sky's lantern. Somehow the face she was pulling looked exquisitely attractive, and that is probably why this picture ended up to be her profile picture, anyway.

Tegan wondered who could have possibly captured this moment. A friend of Sara? A member of her family? What if it was a lover? Such pictures are only captured by a lover's admiring eyes. Something out of context. Something not forced. A natural pose. Worry crept into Tegan's beating chest as she tried to take out who was behind the camera by reading the comments on the side.

Tegan's jaw dropped, pulling a face that mixed all the ingredients of envy, jealousy, anger, and disgust when she saw the familiar name in the comments section.

Rob. He was there. He commented on her picture saying she looked _'Lovely'_. He used the word lovely. And she had liked his comment. She did not reply but she liked it. How did Rob end up in her friends list on Facebook? Why wasn't she in that list yet? What does she have to do in order to be in it?

"She is very gorgeous, Tegan. I'm pretty sure your whole class has a crush on her. But she seems...rough." Unsure, stated Emy as she examined the picture as much as Tegan did.

"What do you mean by rough?"

"Like, distant? Abnormal? I don't know. She seems as she is a special edition. No one is ever like her." Chuckled Emy at her own words. But Tegan's ears repeated these words again and again in her mind. _A special edition. No one is ever like her._ That was accurate. Emy was speaking the truth in Tegan's eyes. Sara was unlike any other woman she had ever seen.

When Emy returned to the Google results page, she decided to click on the images. A low gasp erupted from Tegan's lungs as she stared at a picture of Sara standing near a taller man with glasses. Her smile was big, her hair seemed a bit longer, a bit shaggy and stopped right beneath her shoulders. She had side bangs. The man's arm was wrapped around her waist. It seemed as if it was a picture taken at an event. They were both formally dressed. Sara still had no make up in her eyes, but her attire was different, perhaps due to the fact it was an old picture, an old time. The man was in a suit and she was dressed in a dress stopping at her knees. Her light blue, simple dress hugged her feminine curves tightly then became a bit flowy as it slid down her waist. There was no tattoo on her arm. Her neck hugged by a silver necklace, the small silver key attached to it grabbed Tegan's full attention as it fell right on top of her small cleavage.

Tegan took a breath as her eyes ogled the woman, she knew her friend noticed her shameful, helpless reactions and she clicked on the picture, allowing Tegan a full better view. Sara's smile seemed very sweet. Very, very sweet. Her eyes glistening with tenderness and filled with joy. Her face more full, more lively. Her skin as pale but not as sickly pale as it is now. She wondered if the lights in the picture were affecting her skin tone. Her breasts seemed bigger, fuller, more round. Tegan's breath was severely taken away by the luscious sight. Even her stomach seemed meaty. Her legs were still skinny but they seemed able to carry her and not as bony as they looked now. She looked younger indeed. She looked as if she was nineteen. Her face was far too innocent for Tegan to consume the caption below the picture.

'_Mr. and Mrs. Antonoff.'_ Mrs. Antonoff. One eye contact between Emy and Tegan and they were able to read each other's minds. Sara was married. She had a husband. And the man in her picture was her husband. How old was she? She looked quite young.

Tegan hastily clicked on the link to direct them to the picture. It appeared to be an event to honour a poet and somehow they seemed invited. Many pictures of many guests were on the site. Nothing further written on Sara's and her husband's picture. No names. Nothing. Could Sara have had a twin? How come the picture ended up in the Sara Clement search anyway? Who's that man? Is he still around? Why did Sara's outer look change drastically?

"Look! This was in 2006, in the States." Pointed Emy at the description at the bottom of the page. That means Sara was twenty-six. She was not that young as she appeared but not old as well.

In a matter of seconds the memory rushed back inside Tegan's head. She instantly recalled when Sara pointed to the years she spent in America as the worst four years of her life. Her mouth ajar at her own realization. Perhaps he is the reason? The need for knowledge was eating up her insides. Sara absolutely had her own story and Tegan was eager to know it.

"I knew she was a divorcee." Smirked wickedly Emy, throwing both arms to the air. As if she had proved a strong point that they could not argue with.

"She could be a widow!" Pointed out Tegan, catching Emy off guard and planting a scowl on her lips. That can explain why her years were so miserable. Because she seemed very happy in that picture. She looked as if she owned the world. The man looked as if he was standing next to a queen, next to the most beautiful woman the world have produced. And maybe it's true, maybe he was, maybe she was, she is beautiful. In every aspect, then or now, her beauty remained. Even though her eyes seemed warm before and now they seem cold, she still managed to carry that distinct scent of mysterious beauty that Tegan was addicted to.

Quick fingers typed again other keywords: _Sara Antonoff_. Tegan watched her friend trying now to grasp as much information as she could about the woman Tegan was slowly falling for each second, each minute, and each hour.

"There are umm...Medical records." Emy stated with hints of worry now visible in her spheres. Tegan giving her the signal to speak up as quickly as she could, Emy swallowed hard and pointed to the screen.

"It's umm an IVF clinic, Tegan. Her name is registered there in the records, but it's showing nothing more. Just that umm, she did it, I guess, in 2008." Shock displayed on Tegan's features, mouth agape and eyes wide.

"Isn't that private? Why are these records there? Maybe the woman didn't want anybody to know she had made a baby that way?" Tegan snapped at her friend as if she had caused Sara's name to be in there. Sara most probably is a mother to a child at the moment. That's just another great news after the realization that she was married to a man. Hence she is not into girls as Tegan's hopeful heart wished.

"These are really old files, I think if she didn't need anybody to know she'd tell the medical center or something? I don't know, Tegan. I didn't put them there. Don't take your anger out on me now that she's a lost cause. I warned you from the start." Emy snapped back. Anger painted on both their eyes. Anger unjustified on Emy's, perhaps because she was just yelled at for no reason.

But Tegan hated the_ I told you so_ and schadenfreude, she hated to be proved wrong. But what's the use? Tegan should have searched Sara from the start. Right before she got attached. She was an idiot. She should have seen that Sara's worry, Sara's warm hands, Sara's caring, was all just a motherly instinct. Even the names, the sweet names, they were nothing like Tegan had hoped. Just a mere motherly care. Tegan was nothing in Sara's eyes. She was just a child. Just an innocent small child according her.

How could she be such an idiot! She should have seen it. Sara is not a year or two older, no, she was fourteen years older. She already had lived her life and had built her future. Tegan, after all, was just another student, a teacher's pet, a naive little girl Sara taught and directed. She was just a teenager and she acted like one. Sara was a woman, a grown up woman and she certainly acted like one. Perhaps it's time for Sara to find another mind to haunt other than Tegan's, but the question is, how will Tegan be able to free the ghost of Sara out of her mind?

**...**

On Friday, Sara Clement entered the class right on time, a proud smile glistening on her pale face. Tegan studied every feature with sharp eyes. She studied every detail, every curve, every bone and every structure. That youth she radiated, the innocence in her tone, the sweet gentle lisp, the soft giggles, they did not make Sara seem to be a mother, she did not look nor act like one. She acted as a friend to her students, as someone who was the same age, had the same mentality at times. She seemed carefree even in her weariest states, even in her coldest stares. What about the way she blushed? She did not seem as a shy woman, but perhaps Tegan was mistaken, perhaps Sara was just as shy as herself but she was too focused on her confident eyes to notice her tensed up, clenched jaw.

The lack of attention in Tegan's tensed mind only later allowed her to realize that Sara was about to hand back their midterm papers fully corrected and graded. Nervous stomach began its business as fogginess covered Tegan's sight. Skin changing shades and increasing in paleness. It was the time Tegan lost the ability of speech once again, dreading the worst. What if she ended up getting a bad grade? It only happened once or twice in math when she was in sixth grade, it made her parents very upset with her and it caused her to cry for days. She had always managed to please her family with the grades they asked for. They always wanted her to end up in the medical business as they were. But Tegan was only a disappointment according to her family, choosing a career that would end her up behind a desk in a long, boring job or perhaps be a teacher. Either way, her parents took it hard when she insisted on majoring in something she had a passion for. After all, Tegan despised biology, she despised every scientific subject, there was no point in forcing her to major in something that she would end up failing in miserably, thought her mother. Eventually her family accepted her choices, to move, and to be independent despite the fact that Tegan, and every human could agree, was anything but independent. But life teaches, and Tegan wanted to grow out of her shell, to tame her fearful dragons and escape the society she was locked in.

"Before I hand in your papers, I want to point a couple of things out." Spoke Sara as she set the handful of corrected sheets on her desk. She pulled out the usually ignored chair and sat down. Her hands on the desk as her fingers intertwined together. "The grades," Sighed Sara, her eyes scanned her intertwined fingers as if she was searching for a proper word to say. "They're not..." Stuttered Sara. "They're not good at all." She sighed once again, calmly hearing the starting whispers and murmurs.

If what Tegan was feeling was her heart falling out of her chest and sliding down to her stomach then that could explain the sharp breaths she was now trying to take.

"Calm down, will you?" A gentle whisper flew to Tegan's ears as a hand steadied the rapid movement of her shaking legs. It was Jenna, she had just noticed she was seated next to her. Somehow Jenna managed to have a perfect smile on her perfect face. She did not display any signs of an unnerved system or fear, while Tegan was going to lose her sanity at any passing moment.

"I can't, I'm scared." Whispered back Tegan. Her eyes shifting from her professor's worried stares to Jenna's smiling face.

"It's a Sara Clement class, Tegan. You just never get good grades unless you were brilliant. You should have asked before you signed up for it."

Tegan's eyes widened at the words she had just heard, but she couldn't give a response as Sara cleared her throat shushing every speaking mouth.

"I don't quite get it too. The test was easy. It was very easy. I did not even get much memorization. Some of you didn't even know any of the definitions. They're in the book. Did you actually open it? Did you skim through it? Did you listen to me speak in class? You could have grasped something. But no, you just did not define any of the ten terms I gave you." No response other than the horrid silence in the room.

"What about the other questions? They were essay questions. I was asking for your opinions for heaven's sake. Why some of you left the questions unanswered? Have you not got an opinion on any matter? Are you that much of morons sitting here in front of me? Am I teaching complete idiots?" Once again, only the silence responded to Sara's frustrated questions.

"I have two students who actually got a zero. A big fat zero." Gasps heard through the classroom.

Tegan wondered how can someone get a zero. Was Sara that tough in grading papers? Was she that much of a mean bitch as some students said she was? Tegan preferred dying than ending up with a zero. She still remembers failing her driving test the first time, she cried for three days straight. She was a terrible driver, she was aware she was not going to pass, but the shock of failure for the first time hit her hard. She did not think it was possible for her to bear a failure, yet she did fail and she had to suck it up eventually. She hoped this was not another failure she'll have to deal with and lock herself up in her room for days in order to get over her misery. But if she failed, she thought, she completely deserved it. She was not even paying attention to what she wrote. She was not fully convinced with her choice of words nor with the content of her essays.

"Some of you really can't spell, and the grammar, dear God, the grammar is very poor. The choice of words, the content, the ideas, some of them are, and I'm sorry to say so, but some of them are plain stupid." She pulled an apologetic smile as she pursed her lips. "There were a number of students who..." Sara paused, glancing at the papers quickly in hints of irritation then back at the class. "This is very unfortunate to even admit out loud." She let out a suppressed chuckle. "A number of you misspelled the number six." She said shaking her head as every student changed from a frowning one to a laughing one. "Ya, laugh about it." Sara said in sarcasm as she rolled her eyes. "Do you really not think about anything but sex? Is it really that much on your mind that even in a midterm, you spelled an innocent number as that word?" More laughter and whispers spread in the small classroom.

Tegan's cheeks were filled with heat as she tried to recall if she was one of those students who spelled the number wrong. After all, with shame clogging her mind, Tegan was thinking about such an act while taking the midterm, and worse, she was thinking about doing it with the woman who just criticized such a thing. If she was one of the people who were idiot enough to spell the number wrong, then she wouldn't be able to look into Sara's eyes once again.

"Lastly, the thing that made the marks worse...actually to you, not to me, since I am rather happy with this, is that four of you got very high marks which caused a gap between the rest of your marks and that's how they kind of raised the curve or the average of passing the class at the end of the semester." Students groaned and the noise got louder and incomprehensible. "Ya, someone, and I will probably need to protect her from your vicious attacks, got a full mark." Giggled Sara as every eye widened with red anger, each person trying to guess who the shall be damned female who ended up with a full mark in a Sara Clement class.

Tegan's jaw clenched as she was scanning the class for the suspicious devil who earned the full mark. When her glare met Jenna's smile, she knew that she was _the bitch_ who earned what she should have earned if she was just a little bit smarter.

"Okay, so I'm going to hand in the papers, the first one will go the lucky owner of the thirty out of thirty, even though even myself can't manage to accept the fact that I gave someone a full mark, but you are smart, you truly deserve it, and you can write well." Sara said as her eyes roamed and her hands toyed with the first graded answer sheet.

Tegan eyed Jenna with uncontrollable jealousy and envy radiating from her now dimmed orbs, waiting for the now confused-looking woman to receive what she is waiting for. If only Tegan was able to hide her glares and snarls, but it happened against her will, she just couldn't tame her reactions when it came to accepting the fact somebody was better than her in something.

"Tegan Rain," A tight voice announced, moving Tegan from a glowering face to a frozen one. Sara held the paper out, extending her arm, waiting for Tegan to receive it. "Great job, you _dazzled_ me."

"What the fuck?" Tegan blinked as she tried to snap out of her dream or perhaps daydream. It was probably another dream of Sara, the ones she's been having a lot lately. Just after the midterm and the shower the past week, when she took a quick nap, she had a dream that she was late for Sara's class. Sara stood at the door and shouted at her. She told her she was not able to take the exam, but Tegan begged, cried, and certainly screamed to get in. She gladly awoke with heavy breaths, thankful that it was just a dream, no, a nightmare. The midterm was over and her mind was simply restless and tired. But even when she slept that night she had another dream about Sara. And another one the following day. She was only a misty figure inside the actions happening unconsciously inside her sleeping eyes. This was probably another one of her dreams and she was about to wake up at any second.

Except that it was not. Heavy eyes, glares and glowers, smirks and scowls thrown in Tegan's direction as every student turned to the very last row where Tegan was seated eyeing her with unreadable thoughts.

"What the fuck?" Tegan uttered again, more eyes on her, still not sure what was happening.

"Language, please." Sara warned with a faint smirk. "Do you not want the paper, Ms. Rain? Because I am positive other students would gladly take it." Sara raised an eyebrow at startled Tegan who slowly reached for it and held it between her hands. Staring at the big thirty scribbled in a red pen.

But how? Tegan was not the best writer. She could not end up with a full mark. That was just strange. She doesn't even remember what she had written. She was fully out of it when she was writing. Her hands were moving but her brain was not aware of the content it was spilling on the white sheet. She could already feel the hatred of every student surrounding her. If she was them, she would have hated herself either. She was just calling Jenna a bitch seconds ago when she thought that she was the one with the full mark. But once again, it was Tegan and that's what Tegan had always managed to get since she registered in this university. Only full marks and if not, then the highest mark in class. Yet, somehow, she still cannot get used to it. She still fears failure, she still believes she did not do well after a test, she still carried panic as if it was her best friend and life companion. It was just Tegan.

"Congrats you little nerd!" Said Jenna with the same painted smile on her face. "Sara must really like you." She continued as her and Tegan watched each student survey their papers while Sara Clement sat on her chair and jotted down some things.

"What do you mean?" Tegan asked with a furrowed brow, not allowing the girl to give a response, she asked another question, "How much did you get?"

"Twenty-five." Responded the blonde with a smile that finally showed her pearly whites.

"That's good...right?" Tegan was a little unsure. According to her, that was not bad, but not good either. However, she did not know if it was good, bad, or excellent according to the woman seated beside her.

"Oh yes, It's wonderful. I mean this is a Sara class, you know, I'd be lucky just passing. She's really tough in correcting. That's exactly why everybody in class hates you right now. You're the first student who got a full mark with her. I don't know the secret behind her will to not give full marks but it seems like you have managed to break her oath to herself to not grant such a satisfaction to any student."

Tegan averted her gaze from smiling Jenna to consumed in work Sara. She bit her lower lip, the tip of her tongue dragging the piercing for seconds and wetting her lower lip before it hid back inside her mouth. She was not much of a fool to believe that she was just that much of a genius to break the rules that Sara had made in her mind. But somehow, she had managed to do that and the reason was definitely not the basic information she had written down.

"Are you saying that Sara is not really fair?" Asked Tegan as her eyes focused on the green-eyed woman once again. The sunlight reflection causing her face to look more of porcelain rather than flesh and skin. Her eyes were very beautiful, the kind of emerald green that Tegan wished she owned instead of her boring, dimmed hazel ones.

"No, trust me, Sara is fair, she's very fair in fact." Paused Jenna taking a quick glance at her professor then shifting her head back to face Tegan's. "It's hard to understand it or see it at first, but some students here have dealt with her on a more of a personal level."

"What do you mean?" Quickly, asked Tegan, not allowing her classmate to continue her observations.

Chuckled, Jenna shock her head as the confusion was clearly displayed in Tegan's eyes. "I mean that, some of us have asked her for advices or wanted her opinion on something. She is a helpful person and she can help you if you have a problem, all you have to do is go speak with her. She gave me some relationship tips and they were kind of helpful."

"Alright, but what does that have to do with me getting a full mark?" Not following up and lacking patience, Tegan's pupils dilated in curiosity.

"What some of us know is that, Sara, as fair as she is, when she gets into something, it occupies her mind completely." Tegan raised an eyebrow, requiring further demonstration. "I mean, when Sara hates a student for something they did, she sees everything they do is faulty, repulsive, and rude. When she loves a student, she sees everything they do, they say, they write, is good and lovable. But that doesn't mean she gives you the marks you didn't deserve or takes from you the marks you deserved."

Tegan nodded after Jenna paused her rant. Her right hand rubbing her right temple as her teeth abused her rosy lower lip. "I still don't get it." Whispered Tegan. She was not sure if Jenna was not making sense or if she was that slow to not get where the girl was going.

"I'm just saying that nobody was able to break Sara's own self-made rules, but somehow you managed to do so. Because in essays, Tegan Rain, nobody ends up with a full mark, and that's what Sara believed in, but here you are." Shrugged Jenna with a smile. "You're going to hear lots of rumours soon, ignore them, kay?" The petite girl stood up, her long golden locks swiftly moving from the breeze entering through the half opened window. She walked slowly behind the moving students, ready to escape the class, leaving the brunette utterly baffled on her seat.

What kind of rumours? And why was she going to hear them? It wasn't like it was her first great mark, she was smart, she deserved such a mark, why would she hear any rumours or get some hate? It's just a damn class after all, it's just a damn grade.

"Are you going to leave this class or do you like it that much here that you always stay longer than you have to?" A hearty giggle escaped Sara's lungs. She was now standing near the door, ready to exit as well, her baggy grey coat making her seem smaller than she looked, squeezing her slender form inside. It made her look warm and cozy, ready to be cuddled and hugged tightly. Tegan wished to do so, to push her face in the warmth of her neck and hold her very gently in case her bones were easily broken.

"Or do you just stay here to be alone with me?" A wicked smirk and a quick wink, the teasing mechanisms Tegan was still taken aback by each time they let themselves appear while their owner was present.

Tegan ducked her head as the heat climbed up to her face, she'd do anything to hide every rosy mark on her cheeks at the moment. She knew very well Sara can not only see it, but feel it as well. The woman once again moved her small hand behind Tegan's back as they both exited the class. In the corner of her eye, Tegan could see two female students eyeing her with glares and glowers while standing outside the class. Her attention quickly shifted to smiling Sara, she could almost see the same smile she had found in the picture of young Sara the previous day. It held the same warmth, except this one was toothless and slightly timid.

Sara's hand hurriedly took a hold of Tegan's cold one, sending a shake to her system and stopping her from walking further. It was a ghost touch, a mere brush, but Tegan's anxious mind came into a screaming halt at the gesture.

"I have another class right now." Announced Sara with a vibrant sigh. Tegan looked behind the short woman, another class came into view. It was the one right opposite to the room she was just in. "I teach Oral Skills in here." Flashed a gentle smile Sara as she responded to Tegan's notable confusion. "I would have loved to teach you that."

The heat crawled back to Tegan's cheeks, chewing the pale white flesh and replacing it with the rosiest shade you could ever see on a human flesh. She was not sure if her mind was that much polluted by dark thoughts or her professor was being the kind of tease Tegan could not bear no more.

"I mean," Sara's eyes lit up, a spark in the midst of golden orbs, her features shifting from a proud, confident woman's to a childish, bashful grin. Her ears gave Tegan the sight of her longed satisfaction and the hotness trickled on her cheeks. "I would have loved for you to take this subject with me, you know, to hear your opinions." Sara pressed her lips together, unable to hide the shyness she is caught with, her fingers toyed with her fringe, tucking it behind her red ear.

"You can hear my opinions solely by asking, Doc." Suggested Tegan with a raspier octave than usual. Sometimes Tegan had some kind of bravery in her. Only when sucking the confidence out of the person who always seemed stronger and braver than her.

"I..I like that." Stuttered and lisped, Sara pointed to the silver stud below Tegan's pouty lip. Only then, Tegan realized the tip of her tongue has been toying with the piercing, a force of habit to repress her crying nerves.

"Thank you." Mumbled Tegan in a bashful tone and a weak smile.

"It makes you...you." Gulped Sara, a sight Tegan had never seen. Sara's lips trembled, a set of teeth biting the lower lip as a pair of river-like golden spheres shifted to Tegan's own soft looking lips. Tegan was positive it was the labret piercing which was being eyed gravely rather than her hungry lips which craved the ones inches away from hers.

"Uh, I have to go to class. We'll talk later, Tegan Rain." Said Sara with a shaky tone. A forced smile crept into her quivering lips. Tegan saw her shifty face and sensed her timid body language. She wondered if she reminded her of someone in particular, someone from her unspoken of past. The past Tegan hankered to dig in and search in all its secret passages and hidden mazes.

"Wait Doctor," Said Tegan, causing Sara's body to stop moving and her gaze to be averted back to Tegan's. "How come...How come you gave me a full mark?" Her teeth once again chewed the poor abused lower lip as she waited for an answer from the now smirking professor.

"You deserved it, Tegan." Simply answered Sara, walking away with a swift movement.

That's how Sara always ended their conversations. A statement, no explanation, not a chance for Tegan to respond or ask another question. She'd just leave the younger girl bewildered with swimming thoughts and unfulfilled urges.

**...**

**May 3rd, 2043**

_"I am awake, I think, I burn, I weep; and she who destroys me is always before me, to my sweet pain: war is my state, full of sorrow and suffering, and only thinking of her do I have any peace."_

Indeed I am awake, I do think, I think too much, in fact. I think of things I should not be thinking of. I do burn, I burnt before and I want to fix my mistakes, to collect the ashes of the fire I've caused. I weep, I have wept, and I still weep, and I will continue weeping till I'm wept on. She destroyed me. I do admit. I am coming clean to you. It's not a mere story that I've forgotten. They say, the first step to remedy is to admit you have a problem. I admit, I have a problem. I cannot forget, I only forgive what she has caused me from sorrow and suffering, but I cannot forget her, her face, her smile, her skin, her touch, the sweet little conversations we've had. The way she always teased me. The agonizing way she always seemed way too timid and very frightened when around me. As if time was running out, and indeed, time was running out.

War was my state that year, and after, all I've done was try to live in that endless war by finding peace in the thoughts of her, as sweet, gentle melodies of lost love and boxed grief rang in my tired ears. I cried and cried wishing for a miracle to bring her back. But I was not a lucky one, she was taken away from me, and I found no way to confess, simply because I was a coward, I lived my whole life disguising my fear, pretending I didn't want what I certainly needed. It brought me nothing but further anguish and distress raining on top of my tipsy roof, causing me to put those around me in a cloud full of angry rain and heavy storms. I have loved her, and I still love her, and I do not think I will ever stop loving her. Admitting out loud feels like I am stabbing her in the sharpest knife I own and then ending up firing a bullet to my own bleeding wounds. I've spent too many years acting as the martyr, I couldn't see that another funeral was being held in front of my two eyes. I was selfish, I am selfish. I only wanted her love and I did not ask for anything else. I built every expectation according to my own circumstances and pushed her inside my own dream land. I was a fool, I did not see that love like she once said,_ "...Is painful, love is for fools who are willing to lose. And I am a fool, because I have already lost."_


	10. Games of the Mind

**Chapter 10: Games of the Mind.**

**May 3rd, 2043**

I am not entirely sure who to blame for my loss. Was it even my loss? Did she consider herself mine? Because surely it did not seem like it the last days we spent together. Perhaps I cannot blame her, right? Because...Because...Because whoever is out there was the reason to take her away from me. It's the outside power, the force, the nature, the fate, the Gods. Whoever is up there, they made her go, they took her away from me. They gave me nothing in return. Absolutely nothing. It was just a take situation, not even a give-take one. They took what's mine. She was mine. We were supposed to be happy together according to my naive nineteen year old mind. We even discussed having kids. It was quite soon, I know. She lacked half the enthusiasm I owned that day. I was young, I should have known better. Somehow thirty years later, mentally, I am still as young, as immature. But how can you unlove someone? Tell me? How does one unlove someone? By falling for somebody new, right? What if they did not fall for anybody new?

What if every single thing you see around you somehow reminds you of that lover you once relished being around? And you just take a quick glance into the back of your mind where all the spectacular scenes rush back to sit at the top of your eyelids, replying themselves again. There she sat, there she sang, there she walked, that's what she had said, that's what she liked, she hated this, however. That's how she liked to eat this, that's how she laughed, that's how she held me, she acted just like him, they shared the same opinion, he reminds me of her, she has the same jaw, she's as cold as her, the way her eyes are focused, it is almost as sharp as Sara's. I spent my whole life in comparison that I married a man based on his eyes and jaw and the freezing temperature of his loveless heart. And you know what was the worst part? Going through every poem I had written when she was around. The dates. Why did I write this word and not the other? Why was I feeling that way? How come I wrote this phrase? Did I really think that way? Was it that much of a harmful relationship that it led me to write such a verse? It tears you up going through the past every time you are left alone, it fucking rips your damn heart, and God it hurts, it hurts in ways nobody can ever absorb. You cannot feel it, I am sorry, after all, you did not lose the only person who made you feel wanted and loved, the only person who did not make you feel like a burden produced to this world. You suddenly did not matter to that only person who thought you mattered at some point. Trust me, it fucking sucked.

**...**

**March 2013**

"And this toast is for Emy finally, after years, and years, and years, and years...and years..." Jeremy held his beer bottle in his hand, close to his friend's bottles.

It is a Saturday night and the kids are spending it at the bar once again. Emy had decided it was the proper time to come out to her friends. Jeremy already knew, however. She had told him before. Lindsey remained to be the last one hearing the not so shocking news. After all, Emy was not the greatest in hiding who she is.

"We get it, make the fucking toast already." Interrupted Emy while her friends snickered at her frustrated glower.

"I know it took you too long to come out, Em, and I am really proud that the time had finally come, I am proud of you. I hope you get a lovely, gorgeous, funny girlfriend just like yourself soon." Upon saying the last phrase, Jeremy's eyes connected with Tegan's smiling ones. The mere connection caused Tegan to feel the slightest discomfort, her eyes quickly shifted to her roommate's excited face.

Her mind tried to ponder and find a reason for Jeremy's shifty glances. Perhaps she was just imagining, she thought. Perhaps he thought she was still into him, but she was not in the first place. Their friendship was as good as it was, a tad awkward on his part, but according to her, she did not care. Somebody else was on her mind. Perhaps he saw through her, he knew she was deeply falling for a woman fourteen years older than her, but then again, she spoke about Sara more than she spoke about anything else, it was very clear, none of her friends, besides Emy's heavy sighs and constant eye rolls, minded that she was becoming as obsessive as a heated young lover...Well, she was that, wasn't she?

Soon, her running thoughts were interrupted by Jeremy's voice uttering her name. "And Tegan," Paused Jeremy, his full attention on Tegan's introspecting, dazed self. "Congratulation on the full marks you've been getting in all your subjects you little nerd." He laughed along with the two other girls while Tegan's lips crooked in a warm smile. "You deserve to be in this toast."

"I wanna drink already, can't you fucking finish?" Once again, Emy's enthusiasm interrupted. "Cheers." She pronounced a bit loudly while her friends giggled and laughed, each taking sips of their beers.

"Can I join?" Tegan's ears hurriedly perked up as her heart drummed rapidly through her chest. She tried to swallow the liquid in her mouth but she almost choked on it. Her eyelashes fluttered as she blinked a couple of times. She was not sure if her mind was playing tricks on her, causing her to see images and imagine scenes, or Sara Clement stood inches away from her. Standing, smiling, asking if she could join her and her friends on the table.

She turned her head to her right side, Emy had an even more startled look on her two blue irises. Next to Emy, Lindsey had a faint confused smile on her face. Then she looked at Jeremy, who was facing her, he too seemed to be in a case of bewilderment. Tegan was not imagining after all. Sara is standing there.

"Here?" Asked Lindsey. Tegan was beginning to worry they all looked rude to the standing woman. But Lindsey finally used her courage and confidence to ask.

"Yes? I mean, if you don't mind." Sara spoke calmly. She seemed hesitant to Tegan. Her smile weak and timid. Her eyes are a river of warmth rather than the cold confidence she usually held.

"We don't mind." Grinned Jeremy, earning a bigger smile from Sara. "But you won't get in trouble?" He asked once again, clearing his throat after hearing a chuckle from the older woman.

"Why would I get in trouble?" Sara raised an eyebrow with a smirk.

Tegan eyed the woman up and down. She admired how less formal she looked outside her work. She was in a grey skinny jeans. It was very tight, hugging her thighs in a dazzling way. Her torso clad in a half-sleeved black and white stripped shirt. Her tattoo of the angry ocean and the tired ship visible to Tegan's exploring eyes. A silver necklace hugged her neck, and her face still clear of any hints of make up. Her hair combed perfectly, curling only at the ends of her fringe which was carefully tucked behind her shy, red ear.

"You know, you're Tegan's professor and we are just students who happen to study at the same university you teach at?" Answered Lindsey, trying to be polite as much as she could.

Sara's mouth opened slightly and closed again, a smirk forming on her lips and a spark appearing in her eyes. She eyed Tegan's nervous form and Emy's scowling eyes. One eye signal and Tegan took the hint. She scooted to the side, pushing frowning Emy with her. Sara gave a warm smile and took a seat next to Tegan.

Tegan's eyes immediately shifted to the book that Sara was holding tightly between her arms. Now it was on top of the table. The cover seemed familiar to her, but she wasn't able to read the title when Sara was standing and clutching it to her chest. But now it was resting, untouched, on the table, she was able to read _The_ _Sense of an Ending_ clearly.

She recalled reading that book only a year ago. She did not buy it, but she had burrowed it from her mother's library in her parents' room. The title had caught her attention. Tegan is not usually attracted to the books her parents read. Most of them were either scientific, or had a relation with medicine. When she was eleven, she often rummaged through her mother's library, finding books of biology filled with repulsive and nauseating visual contents of the human body, and visual descriptions and details of diseases and symptoms occurring to the female body. Her eyes used to widen and her stomach used to churn with disgust from the images she caused herself to see. She often wondered why her parents chose such a field to study. What was so fascinating about exploring the organs of the human body and trying to repair the damaged ones? Her parents did not get her either. They considered her yearning for literature was rather impenetrable. So when Tegan found a novel in her mother's library with such a title, curiosity tickled her insides and she was eager to read the book. Little did she know, the book was quite boring for her taste and lacking peppy events. It was a novel about divorce and suicide. She did not enjoy the style of the writing much and the subject was not in her angle of interest. But somehow, seeing the book today in Sara's hands made her feel something unrecognizable in her chest. It was a fuzzy feeling. She wanted to face Sara, telling her she had read the book, and discuss it with her, she even picked out her favourite chapter of the book, which was not one of her favourites, secretly in her mind.

"I know that." Smiled Sara, causing Tegan to snap out of her plans about discussing the book right away. "I often see you guys here and I usually sit in the booth beside yours, so I said to myself why not join you instead of hearing your laughter interrupting me from my_ quiet_ reading?"

Tegan, Lindsey, and Jeremy chuckled along with Sara, Emy's face, however, was a blank with no hints of entertainment.

"Well, you're welcome, as long as nobody gets in trouble." Tegan quietly sipped her beer, cursing herself for not being able to be as welcoming to her own professor as Lindsey who, after all, was still a stranger to her.

"Oh don't worry, we're just enjoying some drinks and chatting, it won't cause any harm." Smiled Sara, but the smile was slowly growing into a wicked grin. "I mean I'm not sleeping with any of you here," She swallowed hard. "yet." Shrugged Sara. Tegan's face was inches from her professor and their eyes met for a mere glance until Sara's last word. It caused the four friends to freeze in their places, awkwardness spreading towards the room.

"Jesus." Mumbled Sara with a heavy tone. "Tough crowd." She let out a suppressed chuckle. "Clam down, I was just joking." Finally earning quiet laughs from only Jeremy and Lindsey.

As Sara took a sip of her red wine, Tegan's eyes shifted uncomfortably from Sara's face to her own hands resting on the table. She was awfully quiet and she knew it. She was afraid Sara would sense her screeching nerves and feel offended then leave. She did not want her to leave. Her speechless act was due to her excited mind. She was quite enthralled with the feeling that Sara was sitting beside her and chatting with her friends. Her mind was dancing and jumping and every thought seemed chaotic inside her head.

"What's up Rain girl? Why so cloudy today?" Sara's eyebrows quirked, her gleaming eyes radiating warmth and a sense of content and joy. Tegan thought it might be the alcohol putting her professor at ease, or simply she was just happy being here. Her friends laughed at the half attempt of pun. Sara always managed to use her last name in puns. Tegan secretly liked it, but never showed it to Sara with more than a simple smile.

"It's just that," Her dark pupils shifting from the atrociously silent woman on her right to the one with the questioning eyes on her left.

Sara bit her lower lip slightly, her teeth squeezing the pink flesh before letting it go slowly. Her irises shifting in colour, the warmth of the hazel is suddenly darkened with the tripping coldness taking place. "I am being a bother, aren't I?" Chuckled Sara. It was easy seeing her face shift and change in colours, it was easy to see the sudden turmoil growing on her features.

"No." Shouted Tegan, reaching her hand on Sara's arm, pulling her back near her seated frame as she was about to stand up and leave. Tegan did not want her to leave. She'd rather all her friends leave and her to stay alone with Sara at the moment

"Don't leave, please." She begged, her smile is wide and her pupils are dilated. Sara's body slowly relaxed and her gaze softened. "I'm sorry, doctor, it's just that I don't want you to get in trouble."

Tegan spent the past week hearing rumours about herself and her professor. Students said Sara helped her cheat. The mere idea was absurd. These were essay questions, build solely on one's opinions and theories. So how in the world was Sara helping here cheat? Some students said that Tegan blackmailed Sara to get a thirty. But that rumour was far from believable. It was simply ridiculous and it had no proof. The biggest shock to Tegan was when she heard the whispering and giggling, something she had not heard since her days in high school. When she asked Jenna about the staring and whispering, the girl told her that these are because of a stupid rumour they started in the class. She said she shouldn't think about it and just ignore the students. Tegan insisted on knowing what was the new rumour so Jenna at last had told her. They were saying that Tegan and Sara were sleeping together and that is why Sara is often shifty and flirty around Tegan. A couple of girls said they often saw Tegan and Sara walking out of class together and Sara always touched Tegan's back or hand. Jenna assured her that these are mere rumours and students often managed to make up some when it came to Sara because she was flirty at times. At the beginning, Tegan was bothered and disturbed by the stories her jealous classmates had made, but later on, she wasn't able to blame them as she noticed that Sara never specified half of the attention she was giving to them. She couldn't forget when Jenna told her that Sara must be fond of her. But it felt funny and strange to Tegan's mind. She decided not to think about it too much and only focus on what's left of her midterms. She ignored the talk and acted as if nothing was going on, eventually. She was not sure why it excited her and definitely did not bother her that her classmates assumed she is a lesbian. Perhaps because of her stereotypical choice of clothing, or her piercing. The last thing on her mind was perhaps Sara seemed very attracted to her. Such an idea did not cross Tegan's mind, even if it did, she preferred to push it way, because after all, it seemed too good to be true.

"First, Tegan, call me Sara. I'm not your professor in here...remember? These were your words." She took another sip of her red wine, pupils rapidly glancing to the girl seated besides Tegan then back to Tegan's worried face. "Second, why would you cause me trouble, dear?" Tegan felt her face heat up at the last word. "Like I said, I am not your professor in here, we are just chatting, it's normal. I could be your mother and teaching you at university, will that put me in trouble to speak with you?"

Tegan raised an eyebrow at Sara's example. She cringed when Sara said she could be her mother. It's not what she needed to hear. She knew chatting did not cause any issues, but she did not want the rumours to increase. She even wondered if Sara chose to sit with her and her friends because of what's being said, after all, what was the real reason behind it?

"I know." Paused Tegan, her hand taking a tight grip on her beer bottle. "It's just that there are rumours being said about...us" She gulped, hurriedly sipping as much as she could get while managing not to look very thirsty and nervous.

Smirking, Sara raised her eyebrows and nodded. Face showing understanding. "Say no more, Tegan Rain." She chuckled, her two orbs roaming to the chatting individuals inside the dimmed bar, taking few glances here and there with pursed lips and contemplating eyes. "I believe I have an idea of what they are saying. It's not the first time." She shrugged, a weak smile and a shy twinkle in her golden spheres. Her attention focused on the younger woman again.

"How come?" Emy's voice broke the seconds of silence. It's the first time she spoke since Sara lingered in the space mentally reserved for only her and her friends each Saturday. The uneasiness was freely evident in her tone. Tegan could feel it, she could hear it well, and she feared Sara would be able to feel the wicked octave her roommate chose for her question. It's not that she did not want to know the answer, but surely she would have asked in a much less bitter way.

"Well," Sara swallowed, her pupils changing direction to Emy's raised eyebrow. "I suppose," Her eyes shifted to her own hands, it felt as if she was trying to find the proper sentence. "perhaps it's because I am very friendly with my students it becomes easy to spread rumours. Especially with someone like Tegan." She shrugged again, at last, a smile appearing on her red lips when the gold of her irises met Tegan's.

"Someone like Tegan?" Jeremy asked with a confused chuckle.

"She means someone who looks gay." Laughing, Emy nudged her blushing friend.

Tegan's face burned with climbing heat. Her smile now gone and her features showed nothing but a mere blank sheet. She did not really think she looked stereotypically gay. Sure, her hair was a bit shorter compared to most girls. It was dyed black and it reached her shoulders. She had a labret piercing and her clothing consisted of baggy sweaters, flannel shirts, skinny jeans and converse or Doc. Martens shoes. Her voice had a distinct rasp to it and when she sat, her legs were usually spread as she slouched. She usually had her headphones attached to her ears. Make up barely covered her clear, pale face, and she usually had a snarl on her face while walking. On a second thought, perhaps she did look more queer than her roommate who just came out, or perhaps she looked like an angry teenager who listened to dark music and wanted nothing to do with anyone.

Was she queer? Or was her attraction only for Sara when it came to same sex attraction? The last thing she needed was to think about such a thing at the moment. Not when Sara, the center of attention, was present.

"I mean," Sara cleared her throat, her eyes shifting to Jermey with a grin then back to Emy who seemed as confused as Tegan was with Sara not giving her the cold shoulder anymore. "I'm not saying that she is, but I guess stereotypically, she might look to some that way." Tegan received a quick wink when Sara's focus was set on her once again. Heat did not even leave her face to rush back again, it only increased more when her shifty eyes caught a sight of her evilly grinning friends. Except the girl beside her, from the corner of her eyes, Tegan could see the glower back on her face.

"And what do you think?" Lindsey asked with a quirked brow and a slight smirk. "Does she look lesbian to you?"

Blushing, Sara shrugged, hurrying for the almost empty glass of red wine to hide the shyness in her features. "I don't know." Unnerved, her tongue wetting her lower lip and her eyelashes fluttering.

Emy sighed heavily, a kick in the leg under the table from Tegan was not enough to stop her from asking what's on her mind. "How come you are sitting in here with a bunch of college students rather than with people your age, doctor?"

"Emy?" Whispered Tegan with a frustrated tone.

"It's okay." Sara smiled, her hand brushing Tegan's exposed forearm. The ghost touch once again caught Tegan by a joyful surprise. Her stomach dancing in excitement solely by a soft touch, a mere brush.

"Darling Emy," Her tone held the opposite of the usual sweetness and warmth she spoke when directing Tegan. The sarcasm and the anger couldn't go unnoticed behind that lisp of hers. "Like I have stated before, I usually sit in the booth next to yours and your loud chatter and giggles never allow me to concentrate on what I am reading, especially that I can tell most of the conversation is about me and why I am sitting alone in a bar, reading a book instead of mingling with individuals much like everybody else in here."

Tegan's eyes widened, her lips slowly parted in shame and regret. She often disliked how her friends' eyes wouldn't leave the woman alone, their whispers and mocking laughter left her at unease, scared the older lady might be having an idea of what her friends are saying, and she was correct. Sara indeed knew most of the talk while she was present in the dimmed room was about her lonely looking state. No running away from the truth, Tegan was not going to deny it. Sara had eyes and ears, lying wouldn't be the right choice. But lowering her head and pouting her already pouty lips might be a way to avoid the unavoidable embarrassment.

"I wouldn't blame you anyway, I am the odd one out in here. I've been coming to this bar whenever I had the chance on the weekends since 2009, and I always sit in that booth. I've seen you here a lot, Emy, since last year." She paused, her eyes shifted quickly to Tegan's bowed head and to Emy's shaky form.

"Oh." Emy quickly responded.

"Ya, you didn't know me by then. I even saw Tegan and you guys coming here in the last semester. You guys never paid attention because you didn't know me." Tegan lifted her head quickly, her guilty eyes connecting with Sara's frosty ones. The lack of the warmth she usually got used to frighten her. These were the mirror eyes back again. The one with the sharp, focused gazes. "I remembered you the moment I saw you, Tegan." She smiled, but Tegan couldn't smile back. It was hard enough staring into these eyes, let alone hearing the woman she was lusting over admit that she knew her and recognized her for a while.

"I sure sound like a stalker right now." She whistled softly and the four younger students snickered. Tegan mostly laughed at the irony, she was the one who grasped information, which were going to haunt her alive if she did not hear more about them, about her professor. She was not sure how Emy's moods worked, however. A moment she has the largest snarl on her face, a moment she's giggling along. She is rude a second, confused the next, then sweet after. Her feelings towards Sara were not clear at all, they were smudged and all over the place. Sometimes she hinted jealousy, but that was a very ridiculous thought, therefore she settled on pure dislike caused by her friend not wanting her to get hurt by Sara who seemed to be a tad rude to most people, except tonight, she was a snowball of gooey sweetness inside. A bit of both.

"Anyway, tonight, I just figured I'd join you a bit since I know you a bit more." This sentence was mostly directed to Tegan who was nodding in apologetic understanding.

"I'm sorry we weren't a welcoming crowd, we were just a bit taken aback that's it. You can always join us you know." She sent a grin to the older woman who giggled at the sight of disappearing teeth and fully visible gums.

"That's alright, honey." Tegan hoped the lights were dark enough in this cozy atmosphere in case the rosy hue of her cheeks was now a spot of bloody red on each cheek. "Do not worry about the rumours, I am sorry I caused them to you. They're harmless I can assure you. You know what they say about dogs?" With furrowed brows, Tegan shook her head. "They bark until you stop giving them the attention they need, they bark then they stop. The same thing goes to bitches." She shrugged with a chuckle when Tegan's grin appeared once again. "Plus, we are both innocent, aren't we?" Tegan swallowed as she received the second wink of the night. This time it was a more playful one, hiding indications of something that seemed sexual and lusty behind them.

After saying goodbye to her friends, with a soft _Nice to meet all of you_ and a_ Take care_ to Tegan with the most gentle squeeze on Tegan's shirt-clad shoulder, Sara had left the bar with her book clutched between her two hands, as if it was her own child. A confident smile never leaving her face, head raised high and back arched as she walked out as if she had just gained victory and was very proud about the outcome.

Tegan received curious eyes from her friends the rest of the night. She knew a gesture such as a professor, especially one who is very successful business wise, joining their student for a drink was not something you'd see everyday. Let alone the winks and sweet talking. Jeremy was the first to ask about it, then Lindsey shared her doubt about Sara, saying she is not to be trusted with such an attitude. Emy warned again that Tegan should be careful and Jeremy joined in expressing his lack of surprise at the rumours due to Sara's abnormal behavior in Tegan's company.

"She is sweet, but being innocent is the last thing she is." Stated Lindsey as they were leaving. Tegan appreciated Lindsey's power to know and read people solely by simple behaviors and attitude, but she felt guilt creeping up to her head at the fact she was to blame as well, after all, she wanted things not to be innocent, she did not care if they were not. It is wrong, but in Tegan's head it was right. In her case, Tegan was not being innocent. Internet stalking, daydreaming, and masturbation activities in the thoughts of Sara in skimpy lingerie was anything but innocent, yet her friends assumed she was the innocent one.

Emy however, was awfully quiet, sharing few remarks here and there and nothing more. Her worried eyes often scanned Tegan and quickly drifted away. Nothing more, and it was causing Tegan discomfort and suspicion. She wished she'd get inside her roommate's busy head, but she couldn't.

**...**

The end of March was quickly approaching, taking with it what's left from melting snow on the grounds and the heavy showers each night. Replacing the usual darkness with the morning light of the shy sun of Canada. April was one week away and the weather was already becoming what Tegan adored. Waking up to the sound of the chirping birds outside the window, opening her eyes to be met by the rays of the now rising sun behind the blue and black curtains of her room.

She had awoke for the first time on this Monday to find her roommate no where in sight. Her bed was still a mess, the white sheets crumbled on her bed and taken off her mattress. Her blanket almost falling to the ground and her clothes from the previous night, which was spent in shopping with Tegan, were spread on the untidy bed.

Her hand moved to rub her sleep-filled eyes as the sound of the dripping water filled her ears slowly. She figured her roommate would be showering. She reached for her phone lying on the bedside table and unlocked the screen, it was still seven in the morning. She had a full hour to get ready and walk to the campus in order to catch her 8 AM. class.

Usually Emy was the last to wake up, the last to take a shower, and the last to get breakfast, especially that she starts at nine instead of eight. So waking up to the sound of the running water and to Emy not in bed complaining about Tegan's noisy process of getting ready to start her day, was a bit strange.

Feeling her bladder beg for the instant release, Tegan sprang out of bed quickly. Having remembered her tiny bladder which can no longer hold out if she had to wait a bit more, she quickly tiptoed to the closed bathroom door. Her knuckles meeting the hard wood in gentle knocks. "Emy can you get out quickly?" She spoke her first sentence of the day, her voice coming out hoarse with a masculine rasp to it. She sure sounded as a boy hitting puberty in the mornings or after crying. That loud pitch which she couldn't control and the thick rasp of her voice had always managed to make her roommate laugh and call her _mister_ or _son_.

"I'm almost done, is everything alright?" She heard her friend calling from inside the closed door, the water stream stopping at last.

Wiggling her legs as her hands clutched her crotch, Tegan whined, "Ya I need to pee like right now, hurry please."

The lock on the door made a soft click sound as the door flew open with a slight squeak, projecting wet-haired Emy with a maroon towel wrapped around her tiny frame. She giggled at the sight of Tegan and stepped out, pushing her friend inside. "You look like my four year old brother when he's about to wet his pants in public." Laughed Emy at scowling Tegan. "Just go pee and I'll get dressed in here." She whispered as the door made a slamming noise leaving her alone in the room.

After Tegan left the bathroom with a relieved bladder and an ability to walk like a normal human being rather than a shaking machine, she hopped down on her bed with a loud sigh.

"Why so cranky mister?" Grinned Emy as she buttoned her blue tight jeans. Reaching for a white sweater and pulling it over her black tank-top.

"I am not." Denied Tegan sitting up once again, leaning against the wall. "Why are you up so early?" She ran her hands through her still damp hair from the shower she took the previous night before falling asleep.

"I need to run some errands and grab some groceries, the fridge is empty and we don't have any midnight snacks or anything." Tegan watched as her friend applied her eyeliner in front of the tall lonely mirror on the wall next to the desk they shared. "Since I am attending that Sara class with you today and I can't go by then." She shrugged with a smile the younger girl saw through her reflection in the mirror.

"Oh, ya I forgot about that." Her sentence's cut by her yawning for what seemed to be the tenth time since she had woken up. She scratched the back of her head as she pondered why Emy was still insistent on attending that damned class with her. After all, just two days ago Sara joined her and her friends in the bar. Emy's excuse was that she wanted to see how Sara treated her in class, and she had already seen it in real life, heard it loud and clear. But Emy said that she might want to take a class with Sara the next semester and she wants to test the water first. Tegan consented with an unvoiced confusion and a gentle shrug, deciding to allow Emy to do what she desired and remain quiet.

Acquiring Sara's permission for Emy to join the class was an easy task. A furrowed brow, shifty eyes with pupils scanning both standing girls followed by a soft sigh, almost unheard, and a quick nod.

Tegan following the good girl rules, she did not utter any word in class, which forced her friend to be as quiet as she was. That did not mean she was not able to grasp the stares of her classmates, stealthy eyes wandering around, focusing on her and the girl sitting beside her in the back of the class.

Being the center of attention never gave Tegan the satisfaction of being wanted. Since her high school days, whenever the attention was poured down on her, it was never for a good cause. That time where she fully attacked a teacher by throwing her academic biology book in her face, getting expelled from ninth grade for three days until her parents used their high profile friends to seek forgiveness in her name and get her back to school. The time in junior year when she ended up shaving her head for reasons even herself was not aware of. She believed it was the only way she would get the horrible memories of Jenn out of her head, to fully cleanse herself from the dirt piled up inside the sinews of her heart. Having to put up with students giving her nicknames such as_ rat_, _monkey_, and _bent ear_ _dude_ in the remaining two months until she returned the following year with her brown locks grown out again in a shape of a healthy looking bob. Such attention never gained her the popularity she had desired to obtain back then, this time the attention surrounding her might look positive to her sixteen year old self, not to her eighteen year old one, however. Being one of these girls was the last thing on her mind when she had decided to study the major she loved in a country not hers. Such delights do not amuse her no more. In fact, she wanted to be hidden as much as she was allowed to, but against her will, somehow she had managed to climb up the imaginary pyramid of unwanted popularity. After all, they say when you stop wanting something, you suddenly have it, when you desire it the most, you lose it.

A little part inside of her was trying to put herself in her classmates' shoes. They could be thinking that her friend is actually her girlfriend, she thought. She was not the first student to ask a friend to attend a class with them, but somehow she was the one who caught all the unwanted, uncomfortable attention.

Sara's class passed smoothly as she was explaining the difference between "Generalization" and "Stereotyping". Tegan's focus was utterly drained until the last ten minutes of speaking Sara. When her tiny body made swift moves to Rob's seated frame. A sly smirk dancing on her soft lips as her small hand took a grip of his shoulder.

"Robert, aren't you going to behave as a gentleman in here or do you want me to give you a spank?" Tegan watched as her hand squeezed his clothed shoulder, a sinister grin never leaving her pale face. When their eyes met for brief seconds, the blazing fire of Sara's irises itched inside Tegan's, she could swear with such eyes, she was able to burn a whole village if she wanted, cause mothers and infants to cry as they lost their homes and families.

"I was not doing anything wrong, but I wouldn't mind a spank from you doctor." In the corner of her stinging eyes, the dark haired student caught the puzzled look she was getting from her roommate. She was betting with herself that Emy was the happiest in this class at the moment. Being the center of Sara's flirty game was something she had earned in this class, each class since the second week of the second semester of her first year. Out of all days, Sara had chosen to shower the guy she had dots of jealousy of with flirty remarks, when her gloating friend was present.

"Shut up." Giggled the older woman with a slap on the male's shoulder. Letting go of his grip and walking to the back, her keen gazes never leaving Tegan's baffled face. A triumphant glow on her smiling face, she dismissed the class and watched them leave one by one, closing the space between Tegan's seat and herself, not allowing her to escape from her side. Tegan looked around, calculating in her mind whether she'd have to to walk past the empty seats until she reached the other side of the room in order to leave, but her friend's seated form stopped her as well.

She's now squeezed between two women, they both had the same smirk on their features but each for a different reason. Seconds after, Sara walked towards the door, eyeing whoever was standing outside then averting her glances back at now free Tegan with her friend trying to walk out.

"Emy, can you leave us alone please? You can go to your next class if you have one or head home, I need to talk to Tegan for a bit." Hearing that, Tegan felt her friend's grip on her forearm tightening instead of withering. Sara had a soft smile which Tegan thought was just a fake one in order to be the polite person she sometimes failed to be around Emy. Emy's hesitant stares roamed from Tegan's frozen face to Sara's smiling one. At last, she nodded with a last glance to Tegan, who held an apologetic smile, and left the empty class room.

"I did not know people's talk bothered you that much, Ms. Rain." Shrugged Sara, her irises dimmed the longer her two orbs shifted from right to left. Tegan watched closely, she hadn't been aware of the lack of confidence she was always the cause of in Sara's posture and body language, but now it was more evident than ever. She wondered if she took closer steps to the inch shorter woman she'd be able to hear the drumming noise of her heart or not. "Now they won't be talking any longer, they'll talk about Rob. He loves it actually when they do. Thinking he actually has a chance with me." Her chuckle vibrated something bitter but at the same time conceited. Perhaps Tegan was wrong, perhaps Sara's confidence was still present and her own was the vanishing one. But what's new here? Tegan mastered lacking the required confidence a human would need to survive, it only explained her never settling mood swings and self hate.

"I was not bothered by the rumours, I thought you would be, however." Her whisper was low and held a sense of fear in it. Standing there in front of Sara was never a help to her anxious self. It always seemed to make her feel less able to function in an atmosphere full of human beings, fearing that one second or the other she'd transform into a full panic attack mood, gasping for breaths with streaming tears and a mocking stomach.

And it seemed that Sara had sensed the shifting her feet were doing and her very quiet gasps for fresh air. She reached a hand behind her tight back soothing the tensed muscles gently. Tegan respired deeply as she was pushed out of the class with Sara's warmth grazing her covered back. "What about your friend? Why did you get her to come with you? I thought it's for people to tell that you have a girlfriend who is not the middle aged woman who seems desperate for teenage attention." Tegan did not see that coming, not appreciating the self-deprecating comment Sara had just made about herself. She was used to the Sara who walked and talked as if she was a perfectly shaped human being in a none perfect world. She knew that Sara was not the tiny bit perfect, especially after grasping information about her mysterious past, but in Tegan's vision, the way Sara stood, showed nothing but mere perfection.

Sara directed them out of the building, where the afternoon sun was beaming brightly in the sky, the breeze of air was a tad chilly and caused the goosebumps to tickle Tegan's skin under her dark blue sweater. "For the millionth time, Emy is not my girlfriend." Sure, Tegan left everything Sara had said and focused on that phrase. Sure, she left out the reason of why Emy ended up coming with her since she herself was not entirely certain why, and sure, she did leave out the part where she denied Sara's self-derogating comment so that Sara could smile sweetly to her or give her the desired wink she could not go tried of. And sure, she used her favourite poetic device, or life adorning device, hyperbole. It caused Sara to laugh, throwing her head a bit to the back, but Tegan showed anything but amusement on her face.

"Well, does Emy know that?" With a raised eyebrow and a ghost of a smirk, Sara questioned the bewildered girl.

"What do you mean?"

"You are such a clueless person for a smart girl, Tegan." She shook her head, squinting at the rays of the sun which blocked her vision. "You never see what's in front of you unless it's voiced loud and clear." Tegan's head ducked down the way it did on Monday, she was being criticized or scolded, or simply being told what was true and obvious in her professor's eyes. It still did not stop her urging need to pass a few tears down, but for the sake of her bent dignity she needed to hold on standing there without making a scene.

"Don't be angry with me, please." Sara's hand flew slowly, the heat of her touch collided with the frost of Tegan's chin, lifting it up slowly until their eyes met again. Her breath caught in her lungs when she felt the soft thumb of the woman facing her grazing the hardness of her jaw before hurriedly leaving her arms to rest on the side of her body once again. The red ears gave her away once again, causing Tegan's pupils to enlarge. "I can see the way Emy looks at you, it's full of passion, desire, lust, need, unrequited affection. Emy has feelings for you, Tegan. Can't you see it?"

Alright, Tegan was clueless sometimes, but she was not much of a moron not to understand how flirting worked. Every word Sara had said carried the tiny pieces of truth only her mirror eyes sparked. What about that voice, oh yes, that husk in her voice, and that smile, very dreamy, as if she was explaining her own affection for someone else. But she was only describing Emy's affection for her, which Tegan had guessed many times, especially in the past few weeks, but she had always managed to shake the thoughts out of her head and focus on her own unrequited affection.

"I think I see that." She nodded her head and continued right after, "But Emy is only my friend, I am not into her, doctor." She wrinkled her nose and clenched her teeth, feeling guilty that she was letting down her friend, refusing her friend's affection behind her back.

Sara's conceited smirk appeared on her lips once again. The river of her honey orbs glistening the greenish line in her golden irises, causing Tegan's lip to be sucked inside her mouth for a good lick before letting go of it. "I think you should let her know. Do not ignite a false hope within her, Tegan. We women do not like that." With raised eyebrows and a warning smile, Sara watched as Tegan nodded, her mind tangled up in thoughts her heart was unable to chase and untangle.

Everything had felt as a game of mind, much like a book she once had read, full of mind games and reading between the lines, but once again, she as well was not ready for a false hope to well up in her chest and then ends up smashed into tiny fragments, especially now the semester was ending in one month, and in a month not much could happen.

Sara excused herself to go to her class, leaving Tegan alone standing in the middle of a crowded campus. Students passing, coming and going, while her frame froze in fright and fogginess. There was Emy who she needed to confront, and there was Sara who was a chess game she needed to learn how to play. There were her own feelings and her friend's feelings which she did not want to hurt or scratch, and there was her professor's unknown feelings which she was unable to guess and unable to ask about. Threads tangled inside her mind, no ends and no way to untangle such cloudy thoughts.

Her heart was only jumping inside her chest but it was also ready to burst out splashing its blood and veins out on the ground beneath her small feet. What she was feeling was a new thrilling feeling. It was exciting and it made her expecting things she was not sure what they were, but there was something welling up inside her guts, telling her to wait, to wait for more, because more was approaching and despite the eminent fact that she was not sure what was going to happen next, it was still causing the state of her delirium to boost up and give her a head spin with images all knotted in each other. She couldn't wait for Tuesday, she couldn't wait until her eyes met Sara's again, hoping in everything withing her, that her soft hands would find their way to her face, instead of tracing her hard bones, they'd massage her soft lips. The images were very vivid and intense, generating her body with energy her morning coffee couldn't give her.

**...**

**May 3rd, 2043**

_"The fair breeze blew, the white foam flew,_

_The furrow followed free;_

_We were the first that ever burst_

_Into that silent sea._

_Down dropt the breeze, the sails dropt down,_

_'Twas sad as sad could be;_

_And we did speak only to break_

_The silence of the sea!_

_All in a hot and copper sky,_

_The bloody Sun, at noon,_

_Right up above the mast did stand,_

_No bigger than the Moon._

_Day after day, day after day,_

_We stuck, nor breath nor motion;_

_As idle as a painted ship_

_Upon a painted ocean."_

I've always loved the almost drowning ship on Sara's upper arm. The way it was sinking beneath the mighty ocean. I was always curious to know the story behind that tattoo. Of course, I couldn't ask her out of the blue about it when I barely knew her back then. I did ask her about it one night in her kitchen, however. We were both seated on chairs facing the small table in her small kitchen. She had just finished her second red wine glass and pouring more to start with her third one, I was still sipping my first one. She was not exactly drunk, but she was not sober either. Her short fringe fell on her face, covering her left eye. It was midnight, as I can recall. She was dressed in her silky peach pajamas. I've always loved them, they were so soft and seemed comfortable. I was wearing green and black boxers and a large black T-shirt. Thinking about it now, I have no idea how she saw me attractive in such an attire, I looked like a homeless boy who hadn't showered for two weeks, yet she loved it and thought it was hot to remove such large clothing to find _defined curves_ and _glowing femininity_.

That night, after Sara's third glass of wine, I was escorted to her comfortable bed. I thought after an exhausting day full of love making, I'd be allowed to sleep while my head rested on her heavy chest. Soft kisses and low sighs turned into heated tongue wrestling and loud moans. Sara was not planning to sleep, but somehow my tired body and mind wasn't able to concentrate on anything but the ink on her pale arm when her top was out of my sight, exposing her milky naked torso to my eyes. I admit, leaving the mouthwatering sight of her perky breasts, her tight pink nipples ready to be sucked and bitten, and focusing on the ink on her arm was a bit strange. I suppose the alcohol had an effect on me, I caressed the inked skin until it was full of goosebumps. I sat up slowly and grazed the tips of my index on every detail drawn in black. She had a calm smile while staring at my puzzled eyes. I had to ask her about it, I needed to know the story behind it, and so I did ask her in a whisper, not wanting to ruin the mood for her, for us. Then she recited these lines I just did. She said she always loved the ocean and the water, it gave her peace of mind and tranquility. She knew I had my own love for the seas and oceans as well. She said she saw herself as the ship when she got the tattoo and saw everybody around her to be the ocean, she needs them in order to bark to her destination, but at the same time, they were hurting instead of helping. My lips collided with the painted ship on her soft skin and my arms wrapped around her small waist, feeling every close breath she was taking before her own velvety lips attacked the purple marks she was the cause of on the skin of my neck.


	11. Over Attached

**Chapter 11: Over Attached.**

**May 3rd, 2043**

Not long after Sara was gone, perhaps only three months following her departure, my word hoard erupted in ways no other withdrawal were to compete. If I was merely obsessed with her before, I became plagued with the thoughts of her. It felt as if as much as her memory drifted apart from my restless mind, her picture engraved more and dug deeper till it was buried in every sinew, every cell, every vein, every muscle, and every bone inside my body. It was like my motormouth wasn't able to to stop running over her name. It kept ringing in my tone. People grew tired quickly, stories got old shortly. But I kept speaking, weeping, repeating the events in my head. Every word, every single utterance she had uttered. The sighs, the glimpses, the way she touched me, the way she untouched me. Every small detail. I just wanted to connect the dots, to match the lines with each other, to solve the puzzle piece she left unfinished. But nothing, nothing came of it. Nothing made sense, there was no reason. I couldn't see it. I couldn't see past the brutality of her actions, the way she twinged me gently, calmly...the way I let her do it. How did I let her do it? How did I let go so easily?

I was wounded, extremely injured with her later actions. How icy and rigid she became. How revoltingly quiet, how atrociously dejected. It shattered my heart, I thought I was the reason. Perhaps I was still part of it. Even after knowing her reasons, I couldn't do a thing. I was in a state of shock nobody until this day could comprehend it. I wanted to do something, to arrest her, to hide her, keep her away. But nothing was in the limits of my very unlimited ability. Abruptly, every happy ending I have written in my mind was erased by her gentle whisper and her meek, helpless smile. But shortly enough, I knew I needed to stop. To pause. To seal these trembling lips of mine. If I wanted to move on, and I needed to move on, I had to stop speaking about her. She had to be hidden, to be unheard, unsaid, unspoken of. She had to stay inside my mind, to linger there, to be harboured inside, to dance naked in the depths of my split soul. Her story had to be hidden from those whom I was going to meet...in order for me to carry on with the life I did not need. And to this day, her story was not even whispered to any living creature on this earth...but to you.

**...**

Confronting your best friend, who also happens to be your roommate at the same time turned out to be harder than Tegan's busy mind had pondered. How to start speaking? Should she give hints? Ask casually? Or speak with Emy about who she is interested in romantically at the moment. However, her constant fear of hurting others' feelings had stopped her and pushed her back. She thought that if Emy made a move, perhaps she would open the subject with her. Until then, she was going to make it clear that she was interested in somebody else.

Thoughts of Sara flooded and drenched her skull, playing hide and seek each minute, appearing and reappearing. Her soft hand brushing against Tegan's skin, her thumb tracing her jaw, the sweet smiles she sent her way. And the words, the words coming out of her mind. How flirty can one get until they cross their line? Tegan wondered. Was there even a line for Sara to cross? What about her business? Wouldn't she be crossing it? Wondering and pondering did not award her with much answers. She wished to confront Sara instead of Emy. She wished to ask about the gleaming orbs of hers, the red hue on her earlobes, and about why did she cause Tegan to shake and tremble in her seat, gulping whatever in her throat to let the tender voice of the woman ring in her ears and scratch the back of her mind.

On Monday, Tegan spent the afternoon at Jeremy's small apartment to study with him for Computer Skills. Despite her apprehension that she was not going to grasp any useful information or skill when the midterm came, thanks to Jeremy's help, she had managed to do just well, according to her criteria, and perfect, according to Jeremy's criteria, in the midterm. Nevertheless, she spent every class imagining what her dainty professor would be saying or doing to her in the following hour, which of course, left the responsibility to Jeremy to go over everything their grey-haired professor said in class.

And she enjoyed these three or four hours she spent at Jeremy's each weeks, filled with laughter, jokes, and sometimes, pot smoking. Much like this afternoon, Tegan has found comfort in the drug consuming with her guy friend after they had finished going over the required lessons they needed to cover.

Rather lightheaded, and a bit less anxious than she usually is, Tegan had told Jeremy about the chat she had with her professor earlier. She puffed the smoke out of her lungs, waving her hands haphazardly while speaking a bit too loudly. The tip of her index moved each now and then to wipe the fallen tears of mirth from her stinging, red eyes. Her lisp and stutter more thick than ever as she snorted at everything her friend said.

"You know what's so fucking funny?" Tegan snorted once again as her friend groaned in response, a hint for her to say what's on her mind. "Is that Emy told me that she sees the way Sara looks at me, and now Sara says she sees the way Emy looks at me, but like nobody fucking sees the way I fucking look at Sara." She huffed in frustration. "Like what the fuck right?"

Jeremy snickered as he inhaled the poisonous stick between his lips, "It's fucked up, man." He shook his head as he chuckled. "What's funnier is that remember when you were about to kiss me?" Tegan growled at the memory, her nose wrinkling and her brows furrowed as she recalled the embarrassment she had to deal with that day. Jeremy, however, did not wait for her response as he saw it visible on her facial expression. "Ya, I kinda pulled away and said I'm not into you because Emy called dips on you a while ago."

The handsome boy gritted his teeth, hurriedly scooting further as his friend's face turned red, her eyes bulged and her mouth widened. Tegan was going to blow up, and he was going to deal with it all alone. "What...the...fuck?" Tegan said each word slowly as she clenched her fists to match her clenched jaw.

"Calm down, okay? Look, I couldn't tell you, she wasn't comfortable being out yet, and then she was afraid of your reaction when you started falling for Sara." Jeremy held his hands up in defeat, surrendering to Tegan's rising anger which was painted all over her tight face. "She's probably going to kill me now that I told you." He sighed, slouching back on the couch as Tegan's face froze along with her body.

She repeated his confession slowly inside her head, bit by bit, piece by piece. So Emy did like her, and Jeremy knew. Not only that, but she called dips on her, and God knows how long the feelings had been hovering all over the place. What about all the times Emy has pushed her to date Jeremy? That was certainly confusing. And why did she start becoming more obvious about her unrequited feelings only lately? Was it because Tegan was hung on another woman? Chasing a false hope as well? Having her own secretive unrequited feelings?

That must suck, she thought. Emy was probably facing ten times the pain of not having her feelings expressed nor shared. And Tegan was being quite the tease to her friend lately. All the glares and glowers when Sara is present seems very reasonable now. Emy was jealous. What about Sara? She too glared, glowered and even spoke rudely to her friend.

Was she jealous as well?

No, why would she be jealous?

"But like she used to push me on you, like you know," She shrugged bashfully. "to date you."

Jeremy snickered, turning his gaze back to Tegan's now composed structure. "It's kind of a disguise, a way to hide." He shrugged, "She knew you're not into me, so she always had to make sure I guess. Plus I guess she didn't want to sound suspicious."

"Oh." Was all Tegan managed to let out of her dry mouth. She lowered her troubled head down and marveled at the idea that she was actually being sought for. Someone was actually falling for her. It was happening, and the pride rising in her system was causing her heart to swell and burst in selfish excitement.

Emy was going through what she'd always gone through with her crushes, being the one doing the chase, not getting repaid for your efforts. She had always wondered how it felt to be loved, and God it felt great.

But one second.

Tegan was not that mean, she did not like the idea, she wanted to be loved, yes, but she wanted to be loved by those whom she loves. Emy shouldn't be dealing with a broken heart because of her, she's not evil, she's sweet and lovely, and she's the one who often ended up crying with a broken heart. Emy shouldn't be the one with the broken heart. She should not even confront Emy, nor refuse her, nor tease her, or give her too much space, or even let her feel that there was something happening, like she knows the triangle of feelings she was in the middle of. No, she was going to let it go, pretend that it never happened, and speak about Sara perhaps a little bit more, maybe it would help Emy to give up on her.

**...**

April has finally approached the cold slippery land, aiding it to dry and warm up. A good side of April is that Tegan loved it, the roses slowly started blooming, the sun shone more often, the birds outside her window, despite waking her up from a peaceful slumber, they often sang and twittered the sweetest melodies which left her feeling fresh. Nevertheless, April had a bad side to it, only one month left to enjoy the presence of Sara Clement in class. Only one month left for the flirty encounters, and only one month left for Tegan to try and maybe get over her.

Tegan was past the crush phase, she is now in the state of ache. She wanted, no, she needed Sara. It was becoming harder each second to squeeze the thoughts of her out of her mind. And when she was in the same room as Tegan, the young girl's heart fluttered and throbbed in wild beats. She feared her small heart would jump out of her chest. It was not like the butterflies and flipping stomach she had before. Now it was happening in pain, in agony of not being able to hold Sara, to kiss Sara, to be Sara's.

She waited at the bar, but Sara did not show up. She missed two classes as well and it was causing Tegan to count the countable hours left before farewell was going to arrive. She had never met a professor who was absent in such amount. She did not even provide excuses anymore. She only apologized and carried on with what she had left off with.

Tegan contemplated if she should add her on Facebook or not, perhaps it would provide more information, or it would lead to more Sara speeches after class. But Tegan's careful, afraid mind forbid her from doing so. She wondered if Sara would give different classes in the following years, she would definitely take any class with her. But what if she did not? Then she had to let go, to forget.

Perhaps Emy was right, perhaps she should not have been attached too much to an already gone woman. But Tegan was known for her over-attachment issues. Unable to get over someone unless she fell for somebody new. Was she even in love with Sara? Was that love? Is that how it felt?

Sure, she dreamed about her almost every night of the past week. And she had written a couple of songs about her, which caused Emy to threaten that she would smash her guitar if she was not going to shut up with the 'repetitive, lame tune.'

Being jealous was one thing and being extremely rude to the point that she hurt Tegan's feelings was another. Emy began to be a burden to be around. She would find any excuse to insult anything related to Sara. Tegan took the offense as if she was Sara herself, she would defend her to the point of fighting and slamming doors. She couldn't believe a woman, who was going to disappear from her life soon, had that effect on her, and was able to make her friendship slowly break and wither.

She must end these silly feelings she should not have allowed to reach this far in the first place...but how?

She did not own the answer, because in these past four weeks, Sara had managed to push her claws way deeper inside Tegan's fragile skin, scratching even more at the insides of her skull, finding a seat there and taking it easily with a smug smirk on her relaxed, egocentric face.

**...**

Wednesday's dull class took an exciting twist as the bored brunette was suddenly alerted with glowing flame of interest spreading through her body. After what seemed to be a half an hour of a presentation that she did not care about, suddenly Tegan's body shifted on the seat like a kid with big eyes waiting for the candy his mother were to give him for behaving well.

Her giggles were loud and they rang like a sweet bell in the chatty class room. Her hands raised and her back arched in order for Sara to allow her the chance to speak and share her opinion about what Sara was babbling about with hints of irritation.

Sara's random topics kept changing quickly. She appeared in the mood to rant about her life. Joking about a few things, making fun of others, and displaying her anger with the society that has a hold on her.

"Doesn't it just bother you when they say that men drive better than women?" Sara questioned as she slammed her hands on her desk. Her fringe falling to her face, covering her squinting eyes. "Or that women are bad drivers. God, that could possibly be the worst stereotype ever." She huffed once again, a ghost of a smirk on her face as a couple of students shared their opinions loudly without permission.

"Well I mean, women themselves spread that stereotype, so it's kinda hard to make it go away." Shrugged a girl with dyed flaming red hair. She had few freckles on her face which almost made her appear as if she was a natural redhead if it wasn't for her brown roots showing. Tegan made a mental note to dye her hair since her roots are becoming visible as well, even though they were hardly noticed since her hair colour was not far from her dyed one.

"I do agree with you. The thing is, if women themselves stopped the stereotypes said about them, we wouldn't be in such a messed up society that treated women as being incapable of doing almost anything while the man could magically do everything." She ranted quietly, her tone delicate and soft. "And I feel that men just want to view themselves as the stronger gender, and women are allowing them to do so." As Sara paused, a few agreed with a "Yes" and others who disagreed with a "Hell no" which caused the older woman to explain further.

"This always happens to me when I drive. It's a crowded road, there are hundreds of cars, and basically we are waiting for the light to go green or whatever. Behind me there's this car which is being driven by a man, and in front of me there's a car also waiting. Nobody is going anywhere, no one is going to reach before the other. We're all in the same mess." Sara laughed a bit and continued, "Somehow the man tries very hard to just get driving before me. I have no idea why but he does. And he gets before my car, so I get...pissed off." Her sweet giggles brought the class laughter. Tegan thought it was rather adorable how Sara managed to almost curse in class everytime, her face would turn red and she would giggle guiltily like a kid who was caught breaking a vase by accident. "And you know what I do? I become hard-headed like him and take my place back. I am not going to stay there watch him take my place just because he's a man and I am a woman."

Tegan cringed with annoyance. These were the things she was told not to do when she was taking her driver's ed. Her trainer said such things are not worth it, they would cause her to end up either crashing her car or other people's as well. Driving was not a competition to her, even if people in the streets were dicks, her trainer said she should just be civil about it and not behave like the rest. Also being the really awful driver she was, she would never consider doing such a thing, especially not in a crowded street. After all, she had failed her driving test twice and had given up on driving since these days.

But her mind couldn't stop her from participating in Sara's rant, despite the fact that she was positive Sara might be scolding her after what she was going to say. "If I were you, I would just let him drive before me, you know. Like you said, everyone was stuck and was going to reach at the same time. Why be like him?" Tegan shrugged, but it was quickly taken away by wide frightened eyes as her professor gasped loudly and got up from her seat.

"Tegan Rain." Gasped Sara, walking to Tegan's usual seat in the back of the class. "I cannot believe, you out of all people, would be disagreeing with me. You should be on my side." Although her tone a bit harsh and firm, it still carried a soft spot in it, a sign that Sara was solely joking with faked anger.

"Well, why would I? If he wanted to be driving before me, let him be. Whatever, like I don't mind." Her wide eyes were twinkling with hidden fear as Sara's face was only inches from hers. Her eyes burned into Tegan's. The student was not sure if Sara was joking or she was actually angry at her response. Oh no, she did not just hop onto Sara's bad side at the end of the semester.

"Dear God, Tegan!" A slap hit Tegan's shoulder. It was gentle, but it still brought extreme embarrassment to her, causing her face to be reddened as it never been before. "Where's your logic woman? You are only degrading yourself." Sara contrasted her words with gentle hand movement on the same place she had just slapped. Right above the thin material of Tegan's black sweater.

Her blush intensified tragically when she felt Sara's thumb tracing the strap of her bra. She prayed with every religious power within her that nobody was focusing on Sara's actions. Did Sara even care if people noticed or not? She sure did not look like she did. She assumed that Sara was not fully aware of her hand movement, perhaps. She had to control the flips in her stomach and the beating of her heart before her organs gave up on her. After clearing her throat, she finally managed to say, "I'm just a really bad driver and I really don't want to end up broken into pieces, or like dead."

Sara's hidden smirk was now on display, the warmth of her honey spheres put Tegan in an even worse state. She wanted to kiss her, and she wanted to do it at this moment. It was taking everything in her to fight such a heavy desire. She even pondered that if she was just not going to give a fuck and kiss her right now, in front of the many students with glaring eyes, what would be happening? It is a good thing she was more rational than that, and resisted her urges and temptations while swallowing hard and rubbing her thighs together in a way nobody could tell she was feeding her abandoned arousal.

"God, I am so ashamed of you Ms. Rain. Very ashamed that I have lost every interest on giving a class at the moment." Sara shook her head. Her warm features contrasting heavily with her cold tone. "All of you shall be dismissed right now. I am not in the mood to continue this class." Sara said firmly. Walking back to her desk.

As her jaw dropped and her eyes bulged out, Tegan was cursing Sara in her mind. It's been very long since she had done that. But the state she was in caused every head to turn and eye her with wicked smirks and low whispers. Embarrassment, Sara always caused her embarrassment.

Two opposite set of hazel eyes met as she looked up at the woman seated on her desk. Sara did not even shift or avert her gaze elsewhere. Her eyes stayed connected with something very mysterious in them. For the first time ever in a long time, Tegan was not able to read the ambiguity they carried. It felt just like the first two classes, when Sara's eyes sent a lightening to frighten Tegan's dimmed surroundings. Was she angry or annoyed? Was Tegan in trouble? What about the slap on the shoulder then the soothing rubs afterward? Perhaps Sara feared she caused Tegan a bit of pain when she flinched and that was a gesture of apology.

"I'm so disappointed in you, Tegan." It came in a whisper even though the class was empty and only Tegan was there, standing in front of Sara's desk. She did not know why she was standing there, but the wait to be the last to leave was definitely caused on purpose as she hoped it would bring another after-class conversation with Sara Clement. And she was right, Sara, after what seemed like forever, even though they were only few minutes, had finally spoken.

"Why is that? You taught us to speak our minds and say our opinions, even if they did not make sense to you. They make sense to me, I'm a bad driver, I failed my driving test twice and even if I'll pass, I know I am one of the worst drivers ever, and it's not because I am a woman, it's because I am a bad driver, I have bad anxiety and I'm afraid of almost everything, so I would want to be cautious and careful on the road." Taking a breath after her rant, Tegan could not believe she had just half snapped at her professor.

Sara was not making sense, and she was the one lacking logic in Tegan's opinion, however, she did not ever think she would say what's on her mind without a single stutter, lisp, or pause in front of the woman who made her stutter, lisp, and pause the most. Anger was surely rising inside her system, and knowing her colourful past that accompanied her anger issues, she decided to do the mental exercise her therapist told her to do. Counting to ten and taking deep breaths was the only thing she could do at the moment so she won't grab Sara by the collar of her dark blue button up and perhaps...maybe kiss her roughly that she would forget what had happened.

Pink lips slightly parted, and eyes wide open, the look on Sara's face worried Tegan. She seemed startled and utterly baffled. Her features quickly softened, however. An authentic smile spread across her lips. "Do me a favour and never shut up." Sara's voice was husky, it led Tegan to raise an eyebrow and squint her eyes, causing Sara to laugh right away. "Yes, speak your mind, say your opinion. I like you better when you do. You have no reason to be anxious or fear anything, Tegan." If Tegan did not know better, she would assume they were just words of encouragement, just like the ones her mother filled her careworn mind with every now and then. But the smooth hands which held her own assured her what Sara was doing was indeed a thing no other professor would do. Emy did that, but Emy liked her. Jeremy, or her other friends, never did so. She wanted to have the bits of hope to be ignited inside her, she wanted to lie to herself and convince her fooled eyes that Sara Clement, her professor, actually shared her feelings, actually liked her back.

She mumbled a barely heard 'thanks', lowering her head to the covered in Sara's papers desk. A familiar book between the papers caught her eyes, it seemed to be the same book she had at the bar two weeks ago. The same book Tegan had read the previous year and found slightly boring. But this was her only chance not to let the conversation die so quickly. A book discussion...if Sara desired anyway.

"You still haven't finished that book?" She pointed at the off-white and grey colour of the cover.

Quickly, Sara's eyes turned to look at the book, she kept her smile on and answered, "Oh yes, I was just a bit busy lately. Correcting papers and writing your finals. It's kind of weird you have noticed that." Tegan bit her lip, feeling slightly stalkerish and a bit creepy to have noticed such a thing.

"Oh, I have read it before, that's why I noticed it the other day." That should be a justifiable answer, she thought. It would not make her seem the stalker she was.

"Oh, that's interesting." Sara nodded. "Did you like it, however? Isn't it boring for someone your age?

"I did." Rushed Tegan to say. She lied.

"I admit, I couldn't relate to it, but I did enjoy it." Another lie. She did not know why she was doing that, but she needed to show Sara that they had things in common beside the pale skin and eye colour. She wondered if Sara was able to tell she was lying. Sara was able to read people easily, she most probably did know Tegan was lying. "What's your favourite part?" She thought a question would hide her white lie.

"It's not precisely a part, it's a concept." Sara answered. "The concept of being on one's own, 'You're on your own now.'" Tegan remembered that part. Without any lies or deceit, that was Tegan's favourite part as well, perhaps she and Sara did have other things in common.

"The concept of being on our own. How we are brought up into this life completely helpless and fragile. We are born on our own, but we need the help to push us a bit. We get used to such help that accompanies us through our youth. Our parents, we think they are always there with us, their support, their path, we think we will walk this journey together. But soon we grow up and realize our parents lead an opposite path from us. We find ourselves completely by ourselves, on our own. And it's a timid feeling, it's a scary feeling. We are not used to such a thing yet. We are not used to walk the journey alone, so we seek a lover, a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, a friend, a partner to engage sexually with, just anyone that helps us walk this journey we are destined to take. We get super attached, we dip our teeth and claw their skin with our nails, begging them not to leave, not to go, not to leave us alone, completely abandoned and on our own. But time passes, and those who came, they are gone, and we find ourselves once again completely on our own. Until we begin to learn that this journey is meant to be taken alone, those who come, they are destined to leave, they are just the fruit life provides before it takes you away from those who thought you were their own, to leave them as well, on their own. We are born on our own, we walk this journey on our own, as much as we like to think those around us are helping us, but no, they are just a comfort to our restless, self-conscious brains, we do all the work, but our brains like to tell us otherwise, at the end, we reach the point that those around us are not around no more, and that's when we die, we die on our own, bringing no one along with us, no lover, no friend, no father, nor a mother. Just ourselves in worn out bodies and failing hearts."

Tegan was certain she had lost the ability of speech. A minute of silence was taking very long, Tegan couldn't utter a word. A simple sentence carried that much meaning in it according to Sara? Sara Clement? Who was she? Sure that was her favourite part, yet she had never perceived the interpretation in such a way that left her shivering and tingling. "Wow." She had finally managed to say. "That was amazing."

"Thank you." Sara said bashfully, tucking her fringe out of her red ear.

"So you are aware of that concept and you're really young." It was not a question, it was a statement, it brought Sara to redden even more. "How does that feel? Do you just spend all the time on your own because at the end you're gonna be on your own anyway?" She hoped her question did not cross the limit of discourtesy.

"No, of course not. Nobody can just live a life on the edge waiting for their doom. I just do not get attached. I know that whoever happens to enter my life, someday will have to leave and I cannot do anything about it. Everything begins with a hello, ends with a goodbye, Tegan." She shrugged, her smile widening.

"Oh God, I wish I could teach myself that. Like I am really clingy and I get attached way too much." Maybe Sara did not need to know such information, Tegan thought. She should have stopped herself before sharing such a detail which usually drove people away. Sara was sure to run off after such information now. If she did not like to become attached, then she would not want a crazy girlfriend who would call her fifty times a day if she hadn't picked up. The thought alone of being Sara's girlfriend painted a dumb smile on Tegan's face.

"You could teach yourself anything. It's all in your head, what you can and cannot do. Control your mind, do not let it control you." Sara advised, for the first time, she sounded as a teacher, and not as a woman flirting with her friend. Yes, that was certainly a turn off to Sara, what Tegan had said. Who would want someone who acted like a teen anyway? Especially someone as mature as Sara. "I have to go, I am actually very late for my class." Her eyes studied the watch on her very bony wrist. "You always manage to get me to be late to my students, Tegan Rain. It's okay though, your company is delightful." She smiled coyly, her bottom lip disappearing inside her mouth as a set of white teeth bit the flesh underneath. "Uh, we'll talk later." Hurriedly, she walked out of class, not giving Tegan the chance to reply back.

It felt as if she was running away from her. And the way she bit her lip, it caused Tegan to think she regretted what she had said. Her pink cheeks exposed her shyness to Tegan, as well as the bitten lip with the coy smile. She had often seen such an act in the movies, a bashful blonde becoming rather shy when the handsome hunk flirted with her. Except, Tegan was not a man, she was a woman, a very small one in fact, and she did not see herself as handsome nor as gorgeous, and she was not the one flirting, it was Sara. But somehow, Sara was blushing at every word she had said.

She also promised they will speak later. Tegan wanted later to come soon. She wanted to talk with Sara. To hear her say everything she believed in. Her view on life, her interpretations, her sweet sound was soothing and felt like chewing on a candy bar. She was very sweet, extremely sweet. Under that ball of ice, if you crack it, gooey, sugary, tasty sweetness would run down to drown you with its liquid.

The idea of sweetness brought Tegan to darker places, she couldn't help but marvel at the idea if she tasted sweet as well. It caused Tegan's heart to pound faster. The skin of her cheeks tinted red. Her eyes darkened with the images of Sara's legs spread before her eyes, folds dripping wet, begging for her tongue to take a dip inside. The heat between her legs responsively thickened. She felt her fluids wetting her underwear and her core aching for a touch. But not any touch, Sara's touch. She needed it very much, and the idea of never being able to get it was going to drive Tegan crazy.

**...**

Wittingly, Tegan decided not to tell Emy about the conversation she had had with Sara, knowing it might cause larger jealousy to the already jealous girl. She knew it would hurt hearing the person you desire speak so lovingly about somebody else, she had been there, she knows the exact excruciating feeling. Especially that her best friend was being nothing but awfully sweet with her. Sharing jokes here and there, teaching her a bit of her drawing techniques, and helping her with her laundry.

Something sent her off, which was the deeply delicate treatment of Emy. It was not happening in a good way, but more in a possessive kind of way. She could hear it well in her mind. Emy's thoughts loudly passed over and reached her head, 'I'm the only one who can handle you, who can handle your mood swings, I'm the only one who will be able to deal with you and not run away.' Perhaps it was her own mind tricking her, perhaps the way she felt as if she was the child and Emy the protective parent. But this love, the affection her best friend was sending her, they did not seem genuine, They seemed possessive and suffocating. She was immature at times, but she's not a kid, she did not have to be treated as one. It bothered her that she was being treated as one.

**...**

Tegan and her friends were all preparing for finals as April reached its end. Summer vacation was only two weeks away. The finale of the Sara Clement after class conversations was just two weeks away. Her final was on the third of May, it was the last final on her schedule. After that, she did not know where she would see Sara again, if she ever saw her again. She hoped if she ended up not taking classes with her, she would run into her on Saturdays in the bar in the next semester. But that had to wait, Tegan was returning to her family for the summer, which lasted good four months of doing absolutely nothing but being bored to one's mind. Emy was flying back to Vancouver to see her family as well. Jeremy was going to leave for only two weeks to see his family and return after to find a summer job.

The idea of finding a summer job lurked in the back of Tegan's mind. It seemed as a good deal to defeat her soon to come boredom. Perhaps the time would pass quickly, perhaps she would meet someone and forget about Sara. She made a mental note to search for one, back home as soon as she is well rested and relaxed from the pressure of finals.

The idea of forgetting Sara, on the other hand, was soon to be erased from Tegan's mind as she realized there was no way she was going to forget Sara. Not when she gasped a shaky breath each time she looked into the beauty's eyes. Or the way her belly ached and twitched. And especially not when all Tegan was thinking of is how would Sara look stripped off her clothes. She imagined her body would be extremely feminine and curvy underneath the layers of clothing which hid every detail perfectly. She was thin, yes, but the way her ass appeared in the tight pants she wore gave hints to what might be underneath.

The sexual thoughts troubled Tegan at night time. When she had caught Sara in the act of ogling her own bum as she was ordered to turn on the fan in the class, the older woman speedily crooked her neck down, a smile forcing its way on her flushed face. The questions incremented inside Tegan's mind. The need to know whether Sara was feeling the same about her kept her up through the darkness of the silent night. Often her mind would wander off to thoughts of Sara's touch, how would it feel against her most private parts. Very gentle and enticing for sure.

She would make sure she heard the soft breaths of her friend as her body shut down and was put into a peaceful sleep before Tegan would slip her hand, slowly and sneakily from under the sheets, inside her pajama pants. Burying her face against the cold pillow as her lips were tightened and her moans were choked and muted when they reached her throat. Her index would push her underwear to the side, or slip under her boxer briefs to meet her swollen clit right away. Sometimes a gasp would escape her lips against her will, or a really soft whimper which would make her seem as if she was silently sobbing, in case Emy woke up and turned the small table lamp on her night stand with a questionable groan.

Her index guiltily would rub small circles around her bundle of nerves, the movement is very slow and shaky, the fear of being watched or caught in the shameful act often haunted her. But her wetness would only increase between her legs, which forced her finger to rub faster and harder, pleasure building up inside her lower abdomen as her breaths grew thicker. She would often think of slipping a finger inside her aching entrance, it would make the process quicker and it would provide bigger pleasure and better relief, she felt her core in need for something inside, something to fill her slick walls and massage them until her body reacted and came down from a delicious trance. But she could not sacrifice being caught, especially when she did not know how her pussy would react the first time. She was half satisfied with careful circles at her opening, but she would not take it any further, fearing the voices she would let out might increase and become louder. Her fingers would go in the same pattern of circling and massaging her clit, while her other hand tugged and pinched her hardened nipple until the sensation of her touch took over her lower body causing her back to arch and her fingers to move very rapidly causing the wet sounds of her working hand to arise. Her mind is far from sober to give a fuck that the woman sleeping in the same room could wake up to her late night masturbatory act which was the reason why she seemed haggard every morning. What would make it worse, is that her knowing that the picture inside Tegan's mind was of her lady professor, utterly nude and being the imaginable cause of the pleasure she was receiving by her own fingers in the very cold and harsh reality.

As Tegan came down from her orgasm, shame and embarrassment would flood her worried mind. She would stay in silence for minutes to make sure the steady breathing of her friend was still unbothered and unchanged. Sighing in relief but still feeling disgusted with herself, real tears would end up covering her tired eyes. She would let her guilty fingers wipe them away as they increased bit by bit, until her exhausted brain would drift off to a solicitous sleep.

**...**

**May 3rd, 2043**

I do get what you mean. I actually have thought about it. It did not cross my mind first, because I was rather falling way too hard for her, but later on, when things took a different route, my mother was aware of what was happening. She would always question me whether Sara was blackmailing me, whether she sexually abused me, or forced me in that relationship. I would promise, kick, scream, and slam the doors that Sara had never touched me against my will, and she was never going to do so. I know Sara loved me, or she tried to at least. Those who cannot love, they do not try very hard to show you love. It was not a sexual relationship, not at all. It was a normal one at first, it's just there were circumstances and hardships our two ships were going through while sailing together, one made it to the shore, but not the other.

While growing up, I did reflect on it. Especially the first year, the way she said my name and the way she touched my back and rubbed it, or the way she winked in class. I often asked myself that if she was a man, or someone I am not interested in, would I see it as sexual harassment? Would I be uncomfortable and perhaps throw a complaint to the faculty head or the dean? I honestly couldn't find a suitable answer for you, nor for myself. Because I liked everything she did and I enjoyed it. And as much as her touches caused me to ache for a deeper, bigger need, as innocent they were. Perhaps if I was not attracted, I would not be seeing it the same way I did back then, I would just think of it as a nice, gentle gesture, as a habit of hers. After all, if you look at it from a more general and further angle, you would see that she was a huge flirt, and her students never complained about it. Yes, some did warn that she can be too friendly at times, but it did not seem to cause an issue that they have worried about. So to answer you fully, no, I do not consider what Sara did as sexual harassment. I know that some things she did, she only performed them on me, such as the rubbing above my bra strap with a smirk to her lips, but I can assure you she was very aware of my shrieking feelings towards her. Later on, she told me she was testing her luck, and I allowed her to have some.


	12. Lovesick, Wretched Summer

**Chapter 12: Lovesick, Wretched Summer. **

**May 3rd, 2043**

I remember it clearly. That summer of 2013. It was as if I had hit puberty once again. The same battlefield of jumbled hormones. All occurring in my body. Causing me to lack sleep. To question everything I knew about myself. Suddenly, what I used to think I was, had been lost to me at that summer. Suddenly, I stopped really recognizing who I was, what I had become. I can easily say that the summer of 2013 is one of the hardest ones I've ever had. Yes, the following summer was awful, miserable, woeful, it was execrable. But that summer in particular, my body, everything I felt, my heart, my emotions, my desires, everything. Really, everything was changing and altering inside of me. It was the moment of epiphany that I had hit. I usually sat in my room and kept thinking and pondering. Suddenly, I started looking at women with a different eye. While I used to eye their chests with a lie to my head that the form had only attracted me, now I eyed their chests with appreciation to the beauty they held. With a need to feel that beauty they held. And it scared me that I started seeing the beauty they possessed in less than an innocent way. I no more admired men the way I did. I tried very hard. I would come across extremely marvelous eyes and I would find myself lost within their depths, but I would snap out of it as soon as a woman would pass behind. Fair and lovely looking. My eyes would shift and my heart would beat faster...and I would remember her.

She was the first woman I was actually attracted to, and it was not a phase anymore. And she was not the only one who would make me appreciate the view of a silky skin covering warm flesh, but she was the only one who made me feel the way I felt, the way I still feel. She was the only one who would cause a stinging through my chest, who would cause my heart to fall to my feet, and my head to spin in wonder. I asked myself many times if she was real. If her sunny irises were true to my eyes. Did everybody see them the way I did? I doubt it. I read it once in a book. I read that we see the ones we love as if they are the most beautiful human beings ever, even if they were very ordinary looking. And I saw her that way, I plainly saw her flawless. Everything within her was flawless to me. Even in the worst blows, even in the days we ended up screaming at each other till our lungs became sore and helpless, she was still an art piece to my eyes. Even when her skin was dry, when it was sickly pale, when her hair was short, when her limbs did not carry her, and her voice was weak and weary, even when she looked more thin than a healthy human being should look, even when her tears ran past her red eyes, she still resembled a sad song, she still resembled the person I would want to hold till my dying day. You're right, I did not know it as well, I did not know love can be so harmful, so grievous, and so tragic. But it was Sara, you won't understand, because even when they hated Sara for her actions, they still loved Sara for being the most extraordinary human they have ever encountered. Everybody wished to have that special mystery, that magical spark Sara had to her. Everybody wondered, what did make this mad woman atrociously attractive? Nobody knew. It was as if she was made by another god, touched by other angels, slid down the wrong galaxy, and hopped on the wrong planet.

**...**

**May 3rd, 2013**

The morning sun was glistening. The faint breeze was the perfect aid to a sweaty beginning of the summer. Tegan wiped the traces of sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand as she walked past strangers on the streets of her university. After exasperated sighs and irritated huffs, she had finally decided on an almost too sheer, black and white, floral chiffon shirt this morning. She was positive it was her mother's and she had _borrowed_ it before she came back from her visit in the holidays. Purposefully, she had picked one of her not-so-many attractive bras, since most of them were plain or sports bras. This one was different, however. It was bright lime green, contrasting well with the colours of the shirt, which she may have or have not purposely chosen as well. The bra she had picked was a size smaller than her breasts and it made her ample cleavage be on display from beneath the fabric of her shirt. The cups of the bra were covered in lace, that if she was to be lucky and Sara had looked close enough, she would be able to see the pattern perfectly with her mirror eyes. Perhaps her ear would have the colour of the roses on the sidewalk, perhaps her lisp would thicken, and perhaps her hand would roam in places Tegan was not sure if she wanted it to be in a class full of students. But Tegan did not care. It was the last time she might be seeing Sara ever, she had to leave her imprint. Perhaps something magical would happen. Just like in the fairy-tales. Prince charming, Sara Clement, would take her to her office right after the final and they would wallow in the sweet act of sexual pleasure right on top of Sara's desk. Or was that in the porn she had seen two nights ago about a professor and her student making sounds she prayed God Sara would not make if they ever ended up in a similar situation? Oh and she hoped Sara would use her fingers more gently than the professor in that tape she had seen, which reminded her, she had to check how long Sara's nails are, because if they were as long as the women's in that tape, she would not sacrifice her most sensitive part to hug Sara's fingers.

Tegan succeeded avoiding her best friend that morning after finally getting dressed. The last thing she wanted was questions about the sudden change with the clothing choices, or the new usage of eyeliner. Even though Tegan looked slightly more feminine, she still did not neglect her skinny light blue jeans or her black and white converse. Her short hair was neatly combed in a high ponytail which left her wide jaw glowing to the eyes of passing stranger.

She feels confident, comfortable, much more relaxed than the day she had been on her midterm. Her head for once raised higher, her steps less shaky, and despite the hot weather which caused her to sweat, she was at her best. After all, it was May and summer was beginning.

Much to Tegan's thrill, the first face she had seen while entering her college was the face she wanted to encounter the most. Sara Clement with a blank look walking inside the building, not recognizing the inch taller woman walking beside her was, as Tegan hoped, her favourite student.

With a smirk stretched all over her lips, Tegan eyed the petite woman up and down for a quick second. She was wearing light blue jeans as well, the smirk only grew bigger. Her colours were more cheerful, as her torso was covered in a light pink, cotton shirt. The sleeves stopped at her elbows and the fabric lightly stretched over her small breasts.

When Sara's eyes shifted curiously to the nosy woman, she let out a gasp that nobody, but Tegan's well focused ears were able to almost hear. Perhaps Tegan was imagining, but then Sara spoke up, and she was sure it was a gasp she had let out.

"Ms. Rain?" With her hand on her chest, Sara gasped once again. "I almost thought you were a serial killer stalking me. I was going to try my karate moves on you at any second. But I thought I saw an innocent gummy smile in the corner of my eyes so I decided not to." Sara grinned as Tegan flashed her smile again, showing her gums more than her teeth. "You're lucky you're cute, Miss."

Maybe it was Tegan who was going to blush instead. Maybe her game of choosing a shirt that exposed the shadow of her breasts was not going to grasp Sara's attention. Maybe she was into men only, and not the least attracted to the same sex. After all, she still had not noticed her shirt, and Tegan was very positive that while she was walking to class, many eyes of men, and even women, were gawking at her torso. The feeling reminded her of her high school days, except shockingly, she was not as uncomfortable as she had been.

"My friend calls me mister because I remind her of teenage boys." _Stop, seriously stop._ Tegan was begging her mind to pause. But unfortunately, her tongue was too quick to respond than her thinking was. Why would a sane person even mention such a detail? That was not relevant. Sara would sure not care. She often wished not to be as random as she was. It was very hard to change it.

Before Tegan could laugh it off and walk to class, her professor's eyes traveled south and stopped at her chest. Suddenly, feeling extremely exposed and a tad cold with prying eyes as Sara's. "I sure do hope your friend was speaking about something other than your looks or body, because," Her eyebrows quirked and her lips were pressed together as a soft pink hue stained her pale cheeks. "you have a very womanly figure to look like a teenage boy." She breathed and Tegan silently triumphed in her mind, thanking her brain for deciding on evilly distracting her professor. "Come on, you have a final to solve. Get going." Sara ordered her student.

Tegan paced to her class, intentionally adding more of a sway to her hips as her professor was walking behind. Her smirk still smugly etched on her lips as Sara greeted the seated students. She started arranging the seats according to her liking. Making some students who sat in the back face her in the front row, and those who were sitting beside their friends split and spread. After every student had finally entered the class, Sara took a look at the seating arrangement and the list of names in her hands. The class was much emptier than it was on the day of the midterm. Thirteen students decided to drop the subject due to the grades they had received. Tegan still held a few ounces of guilt inside her body to be the cause of the raised curve to pass this subject, especially that she still suspected that Sara had given the mark to her solely on a built affection and not because she really did deserve it.

"Ah, Tegan Rain." Smirked Sara, her index ushering for the student seated in the back to get up and come forward. Tegan pointed at herself with a furrowed brow and Sara nodded. "Yes, come here."

Slowly, Tegan walked to where her professor stood. With chest pounding, Tegan felt as if all eyes were on her. It was a mean move from Sara to make her stand in front of the whole class when they can clearly make out the bright green of her brassiere.

"You're going to sit here, dear." She directed Tegan to the chair she usually sat at, the chair facing the small desk which she also sat on top of a few times.

The look of confusion was easily distinguished on Tegan's sharp features. "But where are you going to sit?" Her raspy tone echoed through the quiet room.

"I will be standing." Sara responded. "You know, I will use my eyes to tell who's trying to cheat, even though I am very positive nobody will be able to cheat."

Her hand gently rested behind Tegan's back. "Come on, take your seat." She rubbed with a soothing movement. Her hand bringing Tegan a relaxation she had never experienced. She wondered what was it about her touch that left her insides calm down and her brain soaring with the most tranquil sleep. "I want you to sit here so I can, you know," Sara chuckled, rolling her eyes. "so I can help you cheat." Her eyes were frightening. Almost turning dark and glassy as she looked at her students, who were not so quiet anymore, but engrossed in heavy revising or chatting with one another.

Tegan was not sure if Sara had taken the chance to do what her hand obviously decided to perform, or she was going to do the same even if her suspicious students were staring. When the smooth hand behind Tegan's back were suddenly rough, squeezing her flesh with every rub instead of soothing it, Tegan was not in a peaceful daze anymore. Now her senses were awaken, her libido slowly overpowering her body and brain, and her breath getting caught behind her lips. Sara's skinny fingers traced the outlines of her bra from the back, causing her student's eyes to be dilated and her throat to release a gasp.

What was she supposed to do now? A smile is no longer painted on her face, but it was a look of shock. When her professor lightly tugged at her bra, Tegan was afraid she was going to allow it to snap and cause a sound, or worse, to unhook it and smirk wickedly. But Sara did neither of these. She forced her eyes and her smile to be displayed in a way as if she was not feeling a thing. And Tegan wondered what were the messages her professor was sending.

Dark pupils connected, and the atmosphere was not the best to feel what she was feeling, what the older woman might be feeling. But in that moment, Tegan connected everything in her head. Sara wanted her. Sexually, Sara wanted her. And God knows, what was going to happen after the exam, would Sara be taking her number? Would they meet in a cheap motel? Would she be in trouble? Would they get in trouble?

Except, none of that had happened.

Disappointment teetered inside Tegan's head. After the two given hours were over, Tegan handed her paper, and managed to be the last to leave on purpose.

Sara had not asked her any of her fantasies. It was just a simple chat. One where Tegan, on a normal day, would appreciate and accept with a heartbeat. She even would stroll back to her dorm and sigh with pleasure at words her professor filled her naive ears with. But not today, it was different. Sara clearly made her point, and Tegan did not seem to object. No human would toy with the undergarment of another human for fun, it was not an innocent endeavor. What Sara clearly wanted, Tegan could give. Except Sara was not taking any chances, not even trying, not asking. And Tegan, she would never dare to offer unless she was asked.

"So, summer vacation, huh?" Chuckled Sara, as she collected all the answers sheets and placed them in a paper bag.

"Mhm." Just like that, answered Tegan, a very loud scowl on her face. She wondered how Sara managed to have such a sweet smile when her own eyes could make her a murderer if looks could kill.

"How are you going to spend it?" Tegan was not quite sure where Sara was going with her questions. A little part of her was hoping she would be offering they'd meet somewhere.

"I don't know, I'm visiting my family." Shrugged Tegan, still with the same expression on her face.

"Ditto." Using such a word almost made Tegan want to giggle, almost. "I'm glad..uh..." Stuttered Sara. "I'm glad the semester is over, it was a really hard one for me." A weak bashful smile exchanged the infamous smirk. "Speaking with you was such a breather, Tegan. I enjoy your company."

If Sara's face could get any more red, she might blow up, thought Tegan. Suddenly her scowl was changed into coy smile. Her insides twirling in awe, and her heart drumming in such a rapid movement that she had to lean on the wall so she would not cause herself to feel dizzy, and perhaps faint. Such sweet words almost made her forget her professor's attempt of having her all to herself but deciding not to.

"I give other subjects, such as American Literature in the Nineteenth Century, and American Literature in the Twentieth Century. I believe you still haven't chosen such subjects since you are still in your first year. But I would really love to see you in my classes again in the future." Her smile became bigger and her teeth appeared. Tegan cherished that sweet smile she had once seen on a picture on the internet. It barely showed and when it did, it almost felt as if she was at the end of a movie, with the credits rolling, and she had finally won the woman she fought dragons for. Only if it was true. "Even if you couldn't manage to get into a class of mine, you can umm, uh, always visit me at my office, I would get you in easily." And that's when Sara winked once again, for the last time in that semester, which Tegan was sure going to miss dearly.

"I will, I want to take more subjects with you. I really do." Admitted Tegan in a rush, causing her cheeks to burn with colour as her professor's smile only grew bigger. She still needed to take American Literature till the Nineteenth Century in order to take the two after it. So sadly, Tegan was not going to be seated in Sara's class in the next semester. But that did not bring her down since she knew Sara gives two other subjects which she was obliged to take.

"Alright, I will take that as a promise." Stated Sara. "Because if I don't see you there, I swear I will haunt you down, alright?" A warning. Sara sent a playful warning. Perhaps that was her way of showing her secret affection? Perhaps it was the only way she could show it? Tegan did not know, but she needed to know. Why couldn't Sara just ask for her number or ask her out? Why did she have to take the hard way out? Was she afraid? Was it her first time of wanting a woman? Did she even want Tegan or was it all an imaginary tale Tegan's mind caused her to see? Was reality as similar as her eyes were imagining?

"Alright, I will let you go now. Goodbye, Tegan Rain." And that was their first goodbye. Tegan hoped it was the last one. Sara's words echoed inside her head, _'Every hello end with a goodbye.'_ That was a fact, but why couldn't she and Sara defy the rules of nature? Why couldn't they challenge the law of life?

**...**

In spite of Tegan's powerful rejection to the idea of having an early birthday party with her friends, they had still managed to arrange a small gathering in Jeremy's apartment before each departed to their destined locations.

Her birthday was only two weeks away and she was going to turn Nineteen. Tegan was never the party kind of girl. She never liked birthdays and even her Eighteenth birthday was only celebrated by a small cake while she sat between her mother and father on the couch of their spacious living room.

Birthdays always made her depressed, and she did not know why. Every year, when her birthday approaches, she would rather escape and hide in her room for the rest of the day. Sometimes she would weep even. It always reminded her of how lonely she was. Especially in her Eighteenth birthday. She had no friends the last year of high school. She had lost every friend she had almost made. And she thought that she would always stay that way. Lonely and friendless.

But she was proven wrong this year when her friends surprised her with a chocolate cake and warm gifts. It almost put her to tears that someone finally put an effort in making her happy. Her heart swelled with appreciation and joy. She hugged her three friends and enjoyed their company for hours.

They had given her a box which held things they had bought for her in it. She especially loved the dark purple button down shirt that they claimed Lindsey had chosen it. The material and the colour reminded her of Sara and the shirts she wore. The sleeves reached the elbows just like Sara preferred her shirts to be. The Brand New (being Tegan's favourite band.) merchandise and collection of CDs left her clapping her hands like a small child who was handed their favourite candy. And of course, candy. The box was filled of all the sweet goods that Tegan loved. She knew that was Emy's idea since she had put up with her eerie sweet cravings in the middle of he night, and most of the stuff she had desired once, were in this box. Lastly, there was a shiny silver necklace which caught Tegan's attention from afar.

"We never see you wearing any jewelry, and I know you don't like to look girly, but I saw this and I thought you would like it, it's more edgy and it would suit you." Emy smiled. Picking the chain in her hands and unclasping it.

"I really love it, it's really different." It was not really that different. It was a long chain with the pendant as an opened cube inserted inside it.

"Can I?" Emy timidly asked, lifting the chain for permission.

"Uh..ya of course." Tegan hesitated. She lifted her hair allowing Emy to wrap the chain around her neck and clasp it. Her smile was nervous and shaken. Watching the cube resting on her chest, she recalled how Sara had always wore long chains which hid the jewelry inside her blouse or shirt.

"Are we going to eat the damn cake or is this going to be some soap opera about a magical necklace?" Scoffed Jeremy, causing his friends to laugh.

That was only the beginning of the summer. It may have looked good in Tegan's eyes at first, but you should not judge a tale by its exposition. It's always hazy and incomplete. You would only know what is about to happen at the rising action. Once you reach the climax of your tale, you would realize you've been fooled all along, and what you thought was going to be the theme of the fiction, turns out to be just a minor detail put there to mess with your mind.

**...**

The first two weeks of the summer were not as bad, Tegan was only catching up with her very busy family. Even though her mother and brother were engrossed in work, they still managed to have a time to sit with her and simply chat. Tegan appreciated the bond she had with her brother even though he was five years older than her and lived alone in his apartment. Ted at all times listened and offered advices. They often watched horror movies together at midnight if Tegan decided to spend the night in his place, even though her brother had a job to go to in the morning. She would prepare the popcorn and he would grab the drinks and set the DVD. He would allow her to drink secretly behind her parents' back since it was still not legal for her to consume alcohol at eighteen in the States.

Tegan realized her brother started staring at her with concerned eyes each time she mentioned Sara to him. She would go on and on and on about her professor who was hotter than the woman he was checking out. Or how her professor read books in the bar on a Saturday night. Or how her eyes were enormously frightening. Or how her hair fell on her eyes and how her ears would turn the bright shade of red. How she had a lisp which was terrible and adorable at the same time. She only noticed that once she spoke about that woman, she was not able to stop, and her family members were taking notice of that slowly and quietly.

She could not forget the day she sat outside with her mother sipping green tea and her mother asked to see a picture of Sara. Tegan's eyes widened at her request but the excitement in her gut goaded her to search Sara's name on Facebook so she could quickly show her mother the new profile picture which showed her professor more closely than the last one she had.

Sara was wearing a plain light blue shirt, that's all she could see. The background was dark and it appeared as if she had been in a restaurant as there were a few people in the background, and with a bit of focus, she could spot round tables in the back. Sara's face was free of make up and smiles. It was a blank expression. Seeing the picture, she was not sure if she should show it to her mother anymore. Her coppery eyes, they were there and they were blazing, causing chills to travel inside Tegan's body.

"Let me see?" Sonia latched the phone from her daughter's tight grip and stared at the picture. "So that's the woman you keep speaking about?" Tegan nodded, unsure and afraid her mother could sense her affection. "She looks too young to be a professor, you're not lying to me right? She's not someone you're...into?" Her eyes were searching Tegan's for a clue, for a way to let her slip and say it, that she was deeply in love with the woman she keeps speaking about. But she couldn't admit it. Even if her actions proved otherwise, she had to lie.

"No, she's my professor, I swear." Whom she was into. Half a lie. Not bad. Even if her mother saw her affection, she could not do a thing about it. She would not be able to control who her daughter loved.

"Ya, but you've never spoken about a professor the way you do, Tegan." Her mother sighed. Not earning any answer from Tegan. "She's pretty, I can see that. But she's not even smiling, honey."

"She smiles." She defended perhaps a bit too quickly. Sonia pursed her lips and nodded. A sign that she was able to comprehend and understand what was running through her daughter's mind. Even though Sonia said nothing afterwards, exasperation surfed through Tegan's mind easily. She felt the rejection and she felt that her mother was not on her side.

What Tegan did not realize by then was that her rejection was caused by herself, she was not able to accept herself for loving a woman. Let alone, a woman who was way older. She thought she had passed that phase of denial. She did not know if it was her parents' home that brought her to feel fear in the passing wind, or the fact that Sara was gone now and she did not know when she was going to see her again.

That night, Tegan decided to add Sara as a friend on Facebook. deciding that she has nothing to lose, even if it made her seem as a creepy stalker, and she was at some point. However, when three days passed and it was Tegan's official birthday, and Sara still hadn't responded to her friend request, her yearly birthday sadness climbed up to a higher level. She curled on her bed and sobbed quietly. Cursing the day she encountered the woman she was not able to get out of her mind. She slept in her jeans and T-shirt that night. With her tears dried on her cheeks and her arms wrapped around her body.

The morning light woke her up, finding herself tucked under a blanket that she assumed her mother put on her, but proved wrong later, knowing that her father was the one who put it on her. She was questioned why she slept early. Her mother seemed uneasy and bothered.

"We got you a cake, Tegan." Sonia whispered with a sigh. She was looking at something inside her purse, but it appeared that she wasn't able to find it as she sighed with irritation.

"And I told you I don't want a cake." She hissed with a roll to her eyes.

"I don't know what you're going through right now, but that still doesn't give you the right to speak to your mother that way." Sonia scolded loudly. She did not wait for her daughter to respond and continued, "I am going to work now. Your grandma wants to see you, be good and go visit her, will you?"

"I kinda called my driving ed trainer...I want him to give me a bit more lessons so I could take the test again." She bit her lower lip as she whispered. Gaining her mother's full attention now.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes, I mean, I could try again. I really wanna pass this time." Tegan shrugged.

"Alright, as you wish." Sonia nodded. "Good luck, honey." With a forced smile, Sonia said goodbye to Tegan and left the house, leaving the now nineteen year old all alone in the house, just like everyday of the summer.

**...**

On the twenty-ninth of May, Tegan decided to check her grades online. A gush of happiness flew to her system when she eyed the four As, and the A- she had gotten in Computer Skills. It did not bring her down, in fact, relief sat inside her core since she was quite afraid of this subject in particular.

She also managed to get an easy A in Sara's subject. And she knew too well that nobody ever had managed to get an A in her classes. An A- was all she had given in the past. But now Tegan earned what her past students could not earn. Yes, she felt special somehow, but it was not a shock anymore. Not after the way Sara had touched her the last day they stood in the same room.

The thought alone brought anger to wear Tegan like a robe. Sara wanted her, and she wanted Sara, yet both of them are standing back, neglecting one another. She wondered if Sara would reach out for her one day. Would it happen?

Her mind decided to tell her that it was not going to happen. She assumed Sara would find someone like her. Pull their bra strap and trace the material with lustful eyes and red cheeks. Then she would either sleep with them, if they had the courage, which she did not own, or leave them just as she did to Tegan.

**...**

On the ninth of June, two good things happened, Tegan passed her driving test and finally earned her license, as well as while checking her Facebook quickly, she noticed that finally, after almost a month, Sara Clement had accepted her friend request.

A gasp of excitement led her to sit on her bed and search every detail of Sara's profile. She was single. The words danced brightly, and despite being silent words, they echoed loudly. Sara was single.

Sara was a private person. She did not have many information about her. Nor many pictures. Most of them were pictures of her at the university in events or conferences. She rarely ever wrote statues and did not like many pages.

While skimming through the pages she had liked, one in particular caught her attention. The LGBTQ Equality was one of the few pages she had liked on Facebook. But that still did not mean a thing. There was also no sign of motherhood in that page. Could it be that Sara did not end up pregnant after all? She knew couples who surrender to In Vitro Fertilization had faced inability of natural fertilization. But it would usually work and they would end up with a baby. But there was no sign of a child, a son, nor a daughter on that profile. Mothers usually put pictures of their children on their social network, but Sara did not put any. She wondered if she did have a child and her child was sick, which explains her common absences.

She also wondered if Sara was stalking her Facebook as well. She would be disappointed because of the lack of activity and the lack of pictures. Tegan was not a Facebook fan. She solely had it for the act of searching the people she met and wanted to know more about. She did not participate in posting statues, or commenting on pictures, or liking posts. She secretly hoped Sara would send her a message, or try to speak with her. But Sara did none of that sort and admittedly, it did disappoint her.

**...**

On the fifteenth of June, Tegan nailed a job at the local coffee shop in her city, she figured she would rather serve coffee and cupcakes to strangers than stay at the empty house all the remaining months of summer.

On the twenty-third of June, Tegan was asked out on a date by her coworker, who happened to be a twenty year old male. A set of ocean-like blue eyes which resembled the similar dreamy depths James' eyes showed, therefore, Tegan said yes. Why would she not say yes? A perfect way to forget Sara, and perhaps get back on the_ straight_ track.

Sitting with Ned caused Tegan to yawn and almost drift off to a drooly, dreamy slumber in the dark restaurant. She wished she was sitting in the most boring class she had ever taken, but be with a man, or a boy, yes a boy, who spoke of nothing but his passion for football, video games, and what he liked in a girl. And apparently, Tegan and he, both liked girls with piercing chocolate, or honey eyes. Well at least they shared something in common didn't they?

The worst part was when Ned was trying to lock lips with cringing Tegan. No, she did not want his chapped-looking lips or wet tongue to to touch her own. They did not look smooth, and his face had traces of a slowly growing beard and that would bother Tegan's sensitive skin. She wanted to kiss someone with gentle, velvet lips, and a smooth skin which lacked any hints of facial hair.

But the kiss did happen, and if Ned was to think Tegan was an awful kisser, let him think that. Tegan wanted him to think that. It would be better if he decided not to take her on a second date, rather than him figuring out that she wished he was a woman she was locking her lips with.

That night, Tegan wrote a poem. It was about Sara. It was confusing, and it was badly written. She tried to turn it into a song, but her raging emotions forced her not to. Instead, she resolved to cry herself to sleep. Thinking, maybe, just maybe, her tears would cause her heart to hurt any less. Or Sara would feel it somehow and contact her. Speak with her. Or perhaps she would wake up the next morning with her love and affection vanished, and maybe she would go back to loving the opposite sex. But did she love them in the first place?

As the question twirled around inside her head, Tegan started recalling past events. She remembered at eight, when she and her neighbor would play House, she used to be the husband, and her neighbor used to be the wife. She remembered telling her mother she wanted to marry a girl, which was her neighbor Christina. Her mother laughed and kissed her rosy full cheeks.

Christina moved away and Tegan did not cry nor feel sad, but she made other friends. Guy friends. She was the only girl among an army of boys who played vicious video games. The boys would always take care of her and sometimes fight to get her attention. And she loved the attention they gave her.

Once she reached middle school, and puberty took its course, Tegan had abandoned her guy friends to try and squeeze herself inside the dresses and make up category. A circle she never thought she belonged to, nor felt comfortable being a part of. But somehow, she always wanted to fit inside the circle of a girl's world.

She couldn't forget Bridget Tyler, the most popular girl in grade seven, and her best friend Mandy Jones. They were the dream all their twelve year old classmates wanted to be. Tegan was no exception. However, recalling it now, she remembered Bridget's name slipping out of her mouth many times as she ate dinner quietly with her family. "Bridget did this." , "Bridget said that." It irritated her mother who thought that Tegan was much better than the tall girl who was full of herself and very mischievous.

Maybe Tegan did have an innocent affection for the girl who sat beside her in class. Maybe she did not realize it back then, but looking back at it now. She did not want to look like Bridget, or dress like her, she wanted to impress her. And it happened once, when Tegan did Bridget's Creative Writing homework, granting the girl a full mark she did not deserve. Bridget hugged her and Tegan blushed as she was squeezed between long arms. Also, looking back now, she did not know what did she see in Bridget. Maybe her mother was right, Bridget was nothing special and she did not have any beauty within her looks, nor her spirit. Sara was way better. Sara cannot even be compared.

Why did she just remember Sara again? Why does she manage to bring Sara in every corner of her thinking?

But came the time when she was thirteen and all her girlfriends spoke about were boys, boys, and boys. Except for her. She had no boyfriend, and everybody around her pushed her to have one. Wondering; _why don't you have one? Why nobody asks you out?_ It left her all through the years wondering; _is there something wrong with me? I'm that unlikable? Is it my looks or my personality they do not like? Maybe the way I dress._ All these thoughts swam inside her mind till only few months ago, till she met Sara.

But now she could see it. Perhaps because she did not want to be asked out by a guy. She was never attracted to a boy other than James, but she was never attracted to a girl other than Sara as well. Heavy cloudy thoughts. Who was she? Who is she? Is she a lesbian or is she bisexual? She did not know, and could not know, but she knows that she wanted Sara. She wanted her so much that it only caused her confused tears to spawn inside her burning eyes. Causing her sobs to rise, knowing if her mother happened to pass by her door she would hear her, and she knew by the light movement behind the closed door, that her mother was listening to her cries, most probably with a drowning chest.

**...**

July approached and Tegan buried herself in work and sleep. She refused to go out often, only spoke with her college friends on the phone and decided to avoid her suspicion ridden family, which only caused them to grow more suspicious of her.

On a Tuesday night, when her shift was nearing its end, the door of the cozy coffee shop opened, with bunch of giggles accompanying the squeaking. Two well dressed women who appeared to be in their late twenties and have just finished their dull office work entered the empty place. Only Tegan and an awkwardly avoiding her Ned were standing behind the cashier with the same white polo shirts as a uniform.

When the two women silently ordered what they had desired, Tegan with a smile, a nod, and quick glances to the brunette with the green eyes, flushed cheeks, and light brown waves stopping right below her tight shoulders. The woman was quick to notice Tegan's shifty glances, awarding her with a warm grin whenever their eyes met and Tegan's cheeks reddened. The woman was wearing a fitted black blazer and a plain white shirt underneath, the first three buttons were opened which exposed her prominent collar bones and pale chest.

Unluckily, as soon as the orders were ready, the two women were already out of the small coffee shop, leaving Tegan with her own starry-eyed state, marveling at the beauty of the woman who was standing there seconds ago.

"Seems that you have a type." Ned chuckled. Tegan snapped out of her daze and knitted her eye brows in confusion. "I knew you were into chicks when we both checked out the hot babe in the red dress when we were out on a date."

Fighting the urge not to pull a face or shout at her coworker, Tegan only threw him a scowl. Chicks? Really? She was into women. Old, mature, middle aged women. Who would not pass a look her way. Why would they?

Tegan did not answer Ned. She did not feel the need to. But was it that obvious? Was she that obvious? Couldn't she hide it well? Her friends back in Canada told her that she couldn't hide it at all, and she did not need to hide it. But it was easier in Canada. Maybe the people, maybe the acceptance. The atmosphere could have played a part. Sara sure did play her part. Tegan missed Canada. She wanted to go back now. It did not occur to her she'd feel as a stranger in her own home, but she does feel like she is. She can't be herself the way she is in Montreal. Not anymore. Only a month and a half left, but now she will have to cope with everyone surrounding her.

**...**

A serene evening in the backyard with a book in hand and a coffee near was soon interrupted by a smiling Ted sitting beside his sister. Tegan looked up from her book, forcing a smile. "I'm gonna have dinner with you guys tonight." Ted announced.

The heat of mid July was prickling against Tegan's skin, causing it to flush and become more sensitive than it already is. She fanned herself with her book, as she pressed her lips together and nodded, trying her best to appear normal and natural. Perhaps the book she was reading was causing her to be emotional, or maybe because she was getting her period, or it could be the fact that she felt suffocated, empty, and lonely, or that she missed Sara and she should not be missing someone who probably had forgotten she existed. But maybe all the reasons together stung her heart and caused it to swell with chagrin and sorrow.

"Honestly Tegan," Ted sighed. "I really wanna know what's going on with you. You've been all sad and alone lately, just like in high school."

"Did mom send you to question me?" She snapped at her brother with flaming angry eyes.

"Yes she did," He admitted with another sigh. "but even if she didn't do so, I would've come on my own." Tegan's features did not soften, her scowl only disappeared but her eyes flared and her gaze grew more intense.

"I'm so sick of you acting as if you are the perfect son they always wanted." Tegan spat. Her cheeks grew hot and her forehead was trickling with sweat. "I envy you Ted. I fucking envy you. You are who they love. Who they're proud of, who they're not ashamed of." She felt the sudden stinging welling up inside her orbs, knowing it was a sign for her effortless tears to start wetting her face.

"Why are you saying that? What's going on, Tegan?"

"I'm not, I'm not," Stuttering, Tegan choked on a sob. "I'm not who they want me to be, I will never be, I'm different, and I'm not like you, I'm not like, I'm not...I don't know, I'm weird, I'm not normal." It was definitely hard to let it all out, to admit it out loud. It was the first time she could say it, admit it to herself, how she felt about herself. Loudly, she was going to admit who she is, she wanted it to come out, to slip out of her tight throat, but the words weren't forming, they weren't making sense, and she struggled to let them escape while she sniffled and sobbed.

"Tegan," Her brother's hand traveled to her shoulder, as an act of soothing her shaken form and loud cries, but he did not succeed, and maybe, by the look on his face, he wished he did not accept the task his mother sent him to do. "why are you saying you're not normal?"

She flinched, distancing herself further from his grip. A sarcastic chuckle escaped her lips, she tried to wipe her tears with a failed attempt as they were a fountain streaming out of her eyes. "I don't know who I am anymore. I don't think I ever knew who I am. Maybe I have always tried to be someone that I wasn't, pushing the idea that I might be someone nobody wants to see. But now I can't hide it and I can't keep pushing it away, because it's hurting me, and it keeps getting worse. The more I think about it, the more I feel conflicted and scared."

"Scared of what?"

"I don't know. Mom? Dad? Both? You? People? I'm not sure, I don't know. Maybe myself?" She shrugged. Her left eye becoming more droopy than her right one. She hated when she cried, because of her droopy eyelid. It always swelled and drooped, making her eye look smaller than the other when she cried, or if she was sick, sleepy, or exhausted. And now she felt how heavy it was becoming and she was sure her eyes were bloodshot and red and her cheeks were stained with wet and dried tears.

"But why?" Ted asked, "What is it that you're hiding that is scaring you? Why would you be scared of us?" His worry was evident in his caring tone. His eyes big and focused, trying to read his sister's unsaid thoughts.

"I don't know how to say it. I mean, I don't know if I am sure of it right now. I keep thinking about it but I'm not sure what's happening to my brain and my body." With a wistful sigh, she continued, "I don't think...I...I mean, I think I like girls...like you know? The way you like girls? Maybe I do like girls that way? But I don't know, I'm not sure, but I don't like guys, I can't like guys, well for now, maybe it will change, maybe, maybe...I don't know, I don't know." Her words were shaky and very fast. She wanted to get them out of her chest, but she wanted it to be said quickly and now they were out, maybe she could breathe, maybe she could sleep without crying tonight.

"Is that what's keeping you up all night crying?" Tegan nodded, lowering her head and wiping more of her salty tears. She figured Sonia had told him that too. "You think we'll be ashamed of you if you were a lesbian? Tegan we knew you like girls since you were in diapers." Tegan's eyes shot up as her brother chuckled.

"But..." She looked at her fingers as if they held the answer to her questions, but her brother interrupted her thoughts.

"Is that about her?" Tegan furrowed her brows asking for elucidating. "The professor of yours who you won't stop talking about?" She hoped the the sky was dark enough to camouflage her blushed cheeks and the sudden twinkle inside her eyes. "It is about her." The darkness was not quite dark enough, her brother was able to feel her growing affection for the long gone woman.

"It's not, I mean, I just admired her, and like, you know, felt stuff towards her, but like she doesn't know, I guess, I mean I don't know. It's not like we'll be together you know, but like ya, I guess I realized it because of her." Alright, it actually feels good. It feels great. It feels fucking terrific to let it out, to come out. To say it. To admit it. A weight had been lifted. Even if a bit of lies accompanied, a rock had been smashed. Now she can breathe, she can take a breath.

"Tegan, you'll find someone you love, a woman you will love someday. You just needed to get it off your chest, to release the not-so-secretive secret of yours, now you will be able to meet people, who I hope will be your age or close to it, and be happy." If only Sara was her age, if only Sara was the roommate who had a crush on her, if only Sara was the coworker who asked her out, she would kiss her with a passion she had never showed in a kiss before. If only.

Ted could be saying a correct thing, she thought. Perhaps now that she admitted to herself who she is, she could focus on finding a woman, someone to love. Someone who loves her. Concentrating on finding a partner is much easier than trying to avoid having one out of fear that you two share the same genitalia.

Except Ted was not correct at all. Tegan could not concentrate on anything, anyone, any idea, any person...but Sara. Sara, Sara, and Sara. The woman was still sitting on her throne. A revolution of acceptance was not going to kick her out, not at all, it was going to make her linger longer, much longer. It gave her more power than she had and now her seat was immortal in the abyss of Tegan's mind.

**...**

Summer is almost over. Summer, which felt more harsh and cold than Canada's brutal winter, is nearing its end and Tegan was more than ready to return to her small room, with her optimistic roommate, her happy friends, and the gloomy, tipsy bar. The _lovely_ bar where Sara Clement often read her misery-filled books. Books, she herself had indulged in all summer. Books that synced with her lovesick, wretched summer.

She knew where she was going to go the first Saturday when she returned back, she was going to go to the bar and wait there for a woman the world did not wait for. And when the woman appears, she's going to walk to her. No, run. But running could make her look clingy, couldn't it? She did not care. She wanted her. Whoever she was, her professor? Fuck it, nobody has to know. She's going to run and she's going to make it clear to her that people do not pull each other's underwear and walk away. You either take it off and show love, or do not do it. Just do not. Why would you do it?

And if Sara did not show up in the bar, she was going to go to her office. She is going to slam her hand against the desk, shout and yell with angry eyes and raspy octave. And if Sara kicked her out, so what? She couldn't do a thing, she is not her professor anymore...perhaps. What if she took another subject with Sara?

The thrill of the thought stirred all her emotions as they mingled and collapsed with one another, shortening her breath and pounding on her chest. Another subject is all she needed. Perhaps not the ones she told her she taught, but what if she taught something else she still had not taken? Could it happen? Sara standing once again with her head raised as a mast on a ship in front of sailing with youthful devotion Tegan? Could it be?

**...**

**May 3rd, 2043**

I would answer your question now. I know it seems a bit weird. Actually, a lot. How did I end up marrying a man after coming out as a lesbian? Especially that even when I was standing in the isle, I was reciting words I could never forget:

_A wedding or a festival,_

_A mourning or a funeral;_

_And this hath now his heart,_

_And unto this he frames his song:_

_Then will he fit his tongue_

_To dialogues of business, love, or strife;_

_But it will not be long_

_Ere this be thrown aside,_

_And with new joy and pride_

_The little actor cons another part;_

_Filling from time to time his 'humorous stage'_

_With all the Persons, down to palsied Age,_

_That Life brings with her in her equipage;_

_As if his whole vocation_

_Were endless imitation."_

I knew I had seen the frightening eyes before the first time I looked into them. I was more sure he was related to her when I heard his name. Adam Clement, it rang like a bell, it echoed agonizingly loud in my ears. I couldn't help it. It was the closest I would get to her. I could wake up to her eyes once again, I could be frightened once again. No, he was not her brother, he was her cousin. And no, I have never mentioned that I knew his cousin in the past. He mentioned her once or twice, not much. But I never mentioned her. And I do not think I could mention her. Why would I anyway? It would not change a thing, would it? Adam worked as a book editor, he worked at the same company I worked at. I used to write reviews for books before they would come out. I got to be the first to read them and write my reviews. A job that made me feel special, being the first in doing something. I suppose I thought I loved him for a while until I realized I was still the same cunning, lying little girl I always was. I love a man now, so what? Love is fluid, it could work both ways. That's what Sara said, I love him, I love his eyes, I love his cold nature and the way he made me cry each night, just like her, just the way she did. I deceived myself thinking one day I would forget I loved a woman who did not bother to say goodbye when she left. I walked the streets of many places, searching for her ghost in the lurking clouds, thinking maybe, just maybe I'd see her one day, I'd have a proper farewell then let her be. Not only I did not ever see her again, but also, Adam was nothing like Sara, and once again, it was only my loss, living my whole life as a foolish con.


	13. She's Still There

**Chapter 13: She's Still There.**

**May 3rd, 2043**

Back then, when I was waiting to meet Sara again but the time just did not come, my actions were not making sense. Not to me, not to anybody around me. Emy dealt with all my blows and my troubled emotions, and I admit, it did not feel as I was sober. It felt as if I was on a never fading drug. I couldn't help it. Really, I wasn't able to help it. I was a child and my immaturity was not taken seriously. They all wanted to know how did I fall so fast, so hard. And I did not own the answer. How can you answer someone about why your heart flutters, your body shudders, and your insides twitch with an unknown sensation whenever somebody mentions your beloved? How does one fall? I don't know. But I did and the wait was driving me insane. It was dragging daggers onto my skin and time just did not seem as if it was going to pass, going to end, something new was going to start. Then there was my worry and disquiet about what if another semester approached and I did not see Sara once again? We did not meet once again? And I was sure by then she had forgotten me. I almost lost her forever at that time, and that was when the biggest blow happened.

Well, not the biggest, but almost. I suppose, I did hurt Emy. Maybe I did deserve what happened to me for treating someone who loved me truthfully and honestly the way I was kind of treated by Sara. Emy did stay and did take my good and all my bad but I did not appreciate it. Perhaps it is because I did not love her. I mean, how can you love someone, and how can you unlove someone? Can we really control our feelings? What do you say? Can you control who you really fall in love with? You cannot. Of course you cannot. I never imagined that for a second, a woman could enter my class with her attractive ego and flaming eyes to change my life the way she did. And as I said, it was not love at first sight. Nor even lust at first sight. It was fear and it remained fear whenever Sara appeared. Pardon me for going raw on you, but even the night we had sex for the first time, and I am not going to call it _love making_, she did not even allow me to touch her. You know why? Because as much as I was afraid, she was ten times more frightened of me.

**...**

**August, 2013**

Returning back to cold Canada never felt any warmer. Well, it is the end of August still, so that would explain it. The mild chilly breeze at night was Tegan's favourite time to stroll around the silent city of Montreal with Emy on her side. University is only a week away and the girls were more than ready to start the new academic year. Vacation was boring, they both shared that opinion while grabbing groceries.

"The schedule will be up tomorrow. I really hope we find good professors." Said Emy with a hopeful tone. Tegan knew what did her friend mean by _we_. It meant that they will be taking classes together. As much as Tegan hated it for several reasons, she still couldn't tell her no when it came to choosing any classes. She feared Emy would choose a class with Sara Clement and Sara would be teaching her and perhaps she would fall for her, and what if she traced the lines of her bra instead? Emy did own nice bras. No, that should not happen. Sara cannot be alone with Emy...well, with other students as well. But still, it just cannot. Tegan refused the idea. Sara was hers, and hes only.

"I really hope Sara gives classes I can take, I'm so going to take anything she's teaching." Tegan had to mark her territory and say it, loud and clear. She did not want to take classes with Emy, she did not care about the professors, she cared about Sara, only Sara and her lust-filled classes.

Emy raised an eyebrow as she added a Nutella jar into the cart. "Goddamn it Tee, you're still hung up on that woman?" She shook her head, watching as Tegan removed the jar that contained her guilty pleasure back next to its identical hundreds. She furrowed her brows, reaching for it once again.

"No Emy, can we not buy anything fatty? I'm gonna reach double Ds if I keep eating these." Tegan left the States with a new perspective and new ambition: weight loss. She wanted to aim for that. A way to impress Sara, she thought. A bit of weight loss wouldn't hurt, therefore she already started taking care of her diet, consuming less proportions of the food she liked, and since she barely ate anything healthy, she was only trying to lessen the big amounts of junk food she usually ate, which left her stomach to squeak and ache at night, and her vision a bit fuzzy each morning until she gained her balance to stand on two thin legs, carrying herself to the bathroom to wash her pale face with cold water to freshen up the feeling of dizziness she was now getting in the early mornings after getting out of bed.

Emy's eyes traveled down to her roommate's big black T-shirt, unable to see what her eyes were searching for, then quickly averted her gaze to the Nutella jar, dragging it to the cart while smirking at Tegan's annoyed huffs. "Well don't eat it then." Emy paused, a wicked grin on her face. "Not all of us gain weight from our boobs, you're actually lucky, bitch."

"Fuck off, Emily." Knowing her friend hates to be called by her real name, Tegan smirked as Emy's eyes squinted with a glare sent her way. Tegan was glad they avoided the whole Sara talk.

**...**

When the schedule was out and Sara's name was not on any subject Tegan could be taking this semester, she found anger jolting with every part of her body. She felt an eerie feeling traveling through her sinews and filling her up with anxiety and shivers. It was as if she was hoping way too much only to have all her hopes broken. Sara indeed only gave four subjects; Oral Skills (which she had already taken the previous semester), Intercultural Communication (that too), American Literature in the Nineteenth Century, and American Literature in the Twentieth Century. Two subjects she could not take until she finished the one before, American Literature Till the Nineteenth Century. She sighed in frustration, hoping the wait she will have to face will result in something fruitful in the future. But how is she going to wait?

Jeremy had informed her that he had not seen Sara at the bar the whole summer. He went there often with his guy friends and she was never seated in her usual table. Tegan thought that perhaps she was still vising her family as she said, and only returning once the full summer break is over. Or perhaps she was busy with...people, hoping that they are not the people she thought they are. Not a partner, and selfishly, not a child.

Thinking about it, she imagined herself with Sara, spending the night in her silent room, only to be awakened by a child, he or she could be at the age of four. But perhaps Sara did not hold custody over her child. But then again, no mother would be able to live without the child she carried inside her for nine months. She was not repelled by the idea, but she was not comfortable, perhaps because she herself is a child at some point. Her mother always sighed and told her that she needs to grow up and stop acting like children, and her mother was often right. She had her moments of behaving as a five year old, as well as habits that embarrassed her enormously, habits she was not able to get rid off, cuddling with a giant teddy bear until she drifted off to sleep, and worse, sucking her thumb in her sleep. A habit her mother tried hard to let her abandon, but Tegan always found herself returning to the most act she was ashamed of doing. Now how would Sara react if she woke Tegan up with her thumb inside her mouth? She would treat her like her possibly existent four year old descendant, not as someone she wanted and desired to sleep with. The thoughts troubled Tegan's brain and left her excitement reaching higher levels, but the fear of having her hopes broken once again made her want to punch the walls as if they were the reason she and Sara were not sitting in the same room in less than a week.

The idea of visiting Sara at her office seemed absurd. What would she say, and how would she say it? Will Sara even give her space? What if she laughed at her? What if she denied what happened? Tegan did not want to come off as clingy and obsessive, which she kind of is, but she did not want to extend her fanatic craze to levels that will scare Sara away.

**...**

Like a stroke to her heart, a stroke of unfathomable jealousy hit Tegan when she heard that her friend, her roommate,_ Emily_, had chosen a subject with Sara, she had chosen American Literature in the Nineteenth century.

As much as Emy tried to justify that she only picked it cause she has to, she's in her third year now and she needs to take this subject, Tegan did not believe any of the lies she thought her friend was saying. She assumed, or knew, that Emy only took the subject because it was Sara teaching it. Emy often said she wanted to finish other subjects then hop back to the history related ones, but no, this time, Emy lied, and she had chosen a subject that Tegan's lover, who does not know that Tegan was going to cause earthquakes out of the intoxicating, built up anger inside her small body because she wanted to see her again, teaches.

But karma was sweet, it was sweet and it was working in mysterious ways that admittedly, made Tegan uneasy and filled her guts with concern. When they started university, Tegan stood right outside Sara's class, waiting for Emy to leave the class and _by coincidence_ she and Sara would share an intense eye contact that she had missed more than anything. But Tegan was let down again, Sara was not there, another professor left. For a second she thought she had been standing outside a wrong classroom, but then Emy was out with a scowl dancing on her face. "She's not teaching this class anymore, don't bother."

If the atmosphere felt right, she would have meowed in mockery at her grumpy friend, but instead, her eyebrows knitted and her lips quirked in surprise. "What do you mean? I thought..."

She was quickly cut off by a sighing Emy. "The doctor said she's taking over this class because Sara couldn't teach it. She did not say more, if you're so curious, go to her office and ask."

The tone of irritation Emy was speaking with put a frown on Tegan's face, her mind running with questions and her stomach twisting with confusion. "Jesus, can you not be so bitchy?" She mumbled, but did not gain any response back from her obviously angry friend. It's as if Emy was herself waiting for Sara to show up, only to be let down by another woman who did not carry the magical effect of causing girls to swoon as Sara.

**...**

Two weeks passed and Tegan was persistent on keeping her space from Sara's office door. She had thought about visiting once. Perhaps an excuse for looking for a different professor and by mistake opening Sara's office door while she was sitting there in her office hours. When she passed the room which had her name on the door, she was hesitant for a second. The door was closed, most probably locked. Tegan did not know Sara's office hours and the higher chance was that she will not find her. She knocked lightly while taking a deep breath, but there was no sound, nobody invited her inside. She tried knocking with more force to knuckles, but only the quiet met her. She was aware it would be rude to barge in without being invited, but her hand chased her mind to the handle as she tried slowly to open the door. Except, as she had anticipated, the door was locked, Sara was not inside.

After that, Tegan had not tried to visit Sara again in her office. The academic year was starting to rub its load on Tegan, leaving her absolutely drained and exhausted. Her diet was not going the way she had hoped. Her friends kept eyeing her with concern as she pushed the chicken burger and the cheese out of the bread and only ate the bread alone, also giving her fries to Jeremy who happily took anything she gave him. Her Coke was exchanged with a diet one, she no longer ate any meat, and did not remember to buy some fruits or vegetables to eat in exchange for the abandonment of food.

The lack of nutrition in her body gave her multiple headaches a day, restricting her focus as she read the thin lines on her Syntax book. Coffee was the only medicine to her constant dizziness and blurriness of sight. She often needed a moment to gain her balance after she stood up, as soon as the room stopped being foggy to her vision, she would resume her tasks while feeling the hunger to the point of nausea.

She had not seen Sara randomly passing in the hallways of her faculty or outside the building where she usually sat at, and most importantly, she had not seen Sara in the bar for the last three Saturdays that she and her friends had visited. Slowly, worry started to rain on her, filling her mind with ideas and thoughts about why Sara was very absent to her eyes and ears. She had not heard any student complain about her cruelty in marks and teaching yet, and last semester, she used to hear it a lot in different classes.

She often let the name of the older woman roll out of her tongue in front of acquaintances in classes but she did not grasp any new information about her. She knew a lot of changes happened and some classes, including two of hers, had a change of professors, so the change did not worry her anymore. But the fact that Sara deserted her bar attendance did tick inside her head, leaving her unable to find the proper focus on things way more important. She could be very busy, the thought crossed her mind, but then again, she could be avoiding her, that thought crossed her mind as well. It would be possible, perhaps she felt guilty and ashamed of what her hand and nimble fingers did to Tegan. But Sara was way too confident to runaway from her actions, her actions were clearly calculated and aimed in the right direction at the right time.

**...**

They were nights like these that Tegan dreaded the most. Well, not technically dreaded, but immensely tried to avoid. However, being at the same room as Emy who treasured such nights of girls gossip, she had to sit and listen as well as feel more uncomfortable about her body, looks, or herself in general.

Emy was not the type of girls who would love to gossip about who dyed her hair blonde, and who was seen making out with the hunk they all ogled. But Emy sure did like having a bunch of hot women in her room in skimpy pajama shorts and tank tops, squealing and yammering in excitement.

Tegan hugged her empty stomach tightly as her roommate sat with two gleeful girls discussing the adventures they had indulged in the previous summer. Her eyes traveled to the cans of Coke as the soda made the light popping sound, her tongue thirsty for the liquid she was addicted to but banned herself from drinking. The bags of salt and vinegar chips on Emy's bed caused her stomach to groan and grumble as the hunger stroked through her skin. She had spent the whole day with only a waffle she consumed at breakfast. There were no results and she was not losing weight from the places she wanted the most, her breasts and her thighs. But the colour of her face was slowly becoming ghostly and less lively. The darkness beneath her eyes thickened and there was a tint of yellow colouring her now gone rosy skin.

The loud laughter rang inside her ears as she sat on her bed, leaning her head against the headboard. She knew the girls had noticed her face twitching in pain as she tried to ease the throbbing inside her head. But she was unable to join their chat physically nor emotionally.

"I think you guys should go, it's getting pretty late and Tegan seems as if she's going to pass out." Snorted Emy at the sight of her friend's eyes squinting in confusion, trying to avoid the bright light of the room.

"What is up with her?" Asked Sarah while chewing on a candy bar.

"She's been on this weird ass diet and she's always in a headache, she almost fainted yesterday." Emy shook her head, hints of hidden concern tangled with her words.

"Tegan you know that's not good." Said Sarah, earning a groan from Tegan.

"Ya, your face looks like shit, man." Ashley held her mouth as the three girls in the room glared at her. "Sorry, I mean you look tired." Ashley did not own a mouth filter and Tegan pretty much did know her face looked terrible.

"Is there someone you're trying to impress? Some guy?" Grinned Sarah and Tegan could see the blush on Emy's cheeks increasing from the corner of her eyes.

Right, Sarah and Ashley did not know Tegan was playing on the other team. Should she tell them or should she not? Before making up her mind, her friend already took it as her job to enlighten Sarah and Ashley. "Or possibly a girl." Smirked Emy, earning a gasp from Sarah.

"I knew it." Mouthed Ashley with a snicker.

"I just wanna lose some weight, but it's not working." Her voice was deep, very deep and kind of scratchy. She gulped as she tried to wet her dry throat.

"Damn, you sound very exhausted." Announced Sarah. "Maybe we should leave so you can rest." She stood up with the shorter girl following her. "And don't worry you'll lose it, maybe you should work out too." A scowl was thrown from Emy. "What?" Sarah shrugged as she reached the door.

"Do not give her ideas, that's not even healthy what she's doing." Emy hissed, feeling as if it is her job to take care of the seated girl. Tegan rolled her eyes as she squeezed her tired form underneath the maroon quilt.

As the light went off in the room after a minute or so, Tegan sighed in relief as the dimness helped her migraine to shut off for a bit. "Tee?" Whispered her roommate. She felt her blanket slowly detach from her cold frame.

Tegan whimpered in response as she hugged her torso with her arms, saving her body from the cold. She felt a weight on her mattress as she was slightly pushed to the side, knowing it's her friend lying down next to her.

She opened her eyes, taking in the soft red light coming from the lamp on her nightstand, her tensed body relaxing to her friend's rubs to her back. They were gentle and warm, unlike Sara's, those were needy and dominant, but she missed those more, and she wanted them more, her body tensed up once again, making her tun to her other side and face her friend's scanning eyes.

"Why are you doing this to yourself, Tegan?" Whispered Emy, her tone full of worry and repressed affection. "You are beautiful and hot, you don't need a weight loss to attract someone."

Tegan did not respond, she did not feel like arguing. She herself did not know why she was doing that to herself. At first it started out as a normal diet, but later it changed in a form of acting out against the cruel nature that did not bring her the woman she wanted, soon enough she found herself losing her appetite and her will to feed her stomach. She did not even have the proper energy or reason to do so. Her subjects were hard and her professors were dicks and she felt lonely, more than ever, often burying herself in books or trying to sleep her frustration away. She begged for the clock on the wall to stop ticking or perhaps tick faster and take her where that woman, who casually sniped an arrow in her mind and left it there causing her brain to bleed and ache on the inside, was. And now she cannot remove the arrow, she cannot be set free from the ghost of that woman and she hated every passing second of loneliness her trembling lips had to feel.

Emy's breaths were sharp and hot against the flesh of her lips, and for a moment she did feel it, giving up, succumbing to her needs and her yearning. Her eyes took in the plump rosy flesh, Emy's lips were very plump, more than Sara's, but she wanted Sara's pouty ones. However, her need decided otherwise. Emy was there, she's beautiful and she likes her, and perhaps in this moment, in the darkness and in the silence, Tegan did want to feel some connection, physical one. She thought it was going satisfy her emotional void. Her lips parted as her pupils shifted from Emy's ocean eyes to her hungry lips, and the girl did get it, as her lips parted too, her body drawing closer. Tegan closed her eyes as she allowed her lips to brush Emy's. They were soft, very soft and a bit moistened. For a second she opened her eyes and took a look at Emy's big blue irises, they seemed grey in the dull light and they seemed scared but excited, she wondered how hers were looking, most probably deceiving and guilty. Just the way she felt.

Neglecting her thoughts and closing her eyes once again, Tegan took in the sweet strawberry scent of her roommate, it was not like Sara's. Sara smelt like candy, like something sweet and tasty, Emy smelled as something soothing and relaxing. Her lips finally connected with Emy's, taking her upper lip between her own. Her stomach did not sing, it did not cry, and her heart did not flutter nor drum. This was the most relaxing kiss she could feel, she felt Emy's tongue grazing her lips, begging for entrance and so carefully and silently, she let Emy travel further and explore her mouth with her tongue. Emy's breaths were sharp while Tegan's were quiet. Their tongues dancing in a steady rhythm as none of them tried to fight for dominance.

After a minute of making out and soft traces to each other's exposed arms, Emy let out a moan, it was quiet but it was needy. Tegan's brain waking up from her trance and her eyes opening slightly, as realization hit her that her roommate was trying to move further, she inched away causing their lips to detach. With dilated orbs she watched as her friend regained posture.

A chuckle escaped Emy's lips as she laid down staring at the ceiling above. Tegan furrowed her brows in confusion. "I kissed many girls last summer, none of them kissed me the way you did." Her voice was raspy and her eyes were big, what Tegan had feared, was now alive. She had just caused Emy to think that this kiss meant so much more than Tegan only wanting to fulfill her selfish needs.

Tegan did not reply, she only hummed, but her friend continued, "Their kisses were all sloppy and wet, very hungry and very rough. Yours was just," Emy paused, "Very sweet, and very gentle." That's how Tegan felt too. Emy's lips were gentle, not sweet, but gentle and smooth. "It's probably because all these girls I kissed I ended up sleeping with them, we were only preparing to sleep together, I guess it's just the sexual need."

Tegan turned her head and looked at Emy's closed eyes, her head still resting on the pillow. "You slept with a lot of girls last summer?" Tegan asked quietly. Her voice tender and very low.

Emy nodded, "Sometimes I feel like I have the sex drive of a teenage boy. I envy you, you know. You don't have sex and you're okay. But I get," She bit her lip trying to prevent the blush from happening. Lip biting reminded Tegan of Sara, except Sara looked cute and attractive in doing it. Emy looked weird and embarrassing in doing it. "I get really horny easily." Emy chuckled. Tegan herself did giggle. "It's probably karma for calling you mister and comparing your to a boy who just hit puberty." They both giggled at the remark.

"How come you don't get a girlfriend? You could, you know," Tegan shrugged. "do it often with one person." Emy's eyes scanned hers for a second. She regretted going there but she had to, she wanted to know what was happening inside Emy's head.

"I didn't see anybody I was interested in to be honest. They were all hot and maybe cute, but you know, no emotional connection. It was just about a good fuck, nothing more." She sighed and Tegan nodded in understanding. Maybe that's what she considered Emy. A way to fulfill her needs. Not a fuck and leave for sure, she was not going to go there and cause an emotional wreckage, but perhaps kisses every now and then. That would be nice. But would Emy be willing to do so? If only she considered her as one of her good fucks, but would Tegan even want that? Maybe, maybe not. She had never been in such a situation before. "I don't know how the heart works, you just like random people, but not like others, it's weird, but I guess that's how it is for me."

_And me_, Tegan wanted to say. But she did not. And she knew Emy was speaking about her. But that's how she felt about Sara. Out of all people, her heart leapt and chose Sara's. And she wished it chose Emy's. Everything would have been easier, but it did not. It crawled to Sara's and Sara did not return the feeling, Sara simply disappeared.

**...**

**October, 2013**

Autumn. The cloudy sky and the faint raindrops each morning. The beautiful breeze and the rusty leaves falling from the depressed trees. The air smelled of rain and dirt mixed together, and the sheepish sun hid behind numerous silver clouds. Everything seemed slower in Autumn. The cars, the people, the life. Nobody was in a heated hurry as they were in the summer. Nobody was as bright and cheerful as they were in spring, and they were definitely not as blue and bleak as they are in winter. But everything seemed to be at peace, at ease.

There was a sense of serenity that lingered in the air, behind the plants and beneath the fertile soil. Faint laughter, hushed chatter, and lovers sharing each other's warm coffee cups in the bleary mornings of October.

Midst the peace and the tranquility, heated news reached Tegan on a Monday morning at eight. It broke the quiet and it shattered every sense of peace the tired girl was feeling inside her frail body. A news about Sara. News she had been waiting for all along. It came in the morning to wake her sleepiness and put her in the state of shock that nobody comprehended.

"Dr. Sara Clement," Tegan's ears perked up, her mind alerted, waking up from the daze she was feeling, as her eyes were focused on the ground beneath her feet, to focused big eyes, heart beating to the point of nausea, and stomach aching twice the pain the lack of food made it ache.

She waited for her classmate to say it, her news, what about her? Dr. Clement, _Sara, _what about her? She hoped it was not only a question about why nobody had spotted her at campus yet. Even her Facebook profile. It's been the same, with the same picture and the same details since she had accepted Tegan's friend request. Tegan never saw her online, and she did not post anything at all. She wanted to know where was she? What happened to her? Did she move away? Was she busy? Is she even teaching at the university at the moment?

Her questions were quickly answered before she could finish thinking them. "The reason why she did not teach this semester is because of a health issue." Tegan's jaw dropped, she felt her heart being squeezed and her mind throbbed with more questions. "I heard it was a car accident, but when I asked Dr. Duncan, she said that she is still in contact with her and it is not a car accident but only a health issue." Lena added.

A car accident, a health issue. What to believe? Of course the professor's truth. But then again, Tegan remembered when Sara lectured her about risking your life while driving in order to take your place back on the road, which led to them arguing, and it was the same day Sara traced her bra strap. She could not forget that day. Clearly Sara did not seem very cautious in driving, but Sara was absent a lot that semester, and her reasons were always a medical issue, which worried Tegan back then, and now Tegan's sure Sara dealt with something. And it's not her family, nor her possibly existent child. It was her. She had health problems and now Tegan felt her body trembling and shaking in fear.

"What did Dr. Duncan say? Is she okay? Will she be teaching the next semester?" For sure Tegan was going to ask the ceaseless questions forming inside her brain. She wanted to know, no, she_ needed_ to know.

"She did not say much. She said that she's fine. But she doesn't know if she's going to be teaching the next semester or not."

Oh, it resonated in Tegan's ears and it echoed inside her head. What she feared had become alive, had been born. Sara, was not around. Sara, might not come back. Sara, was sick,_ is_ sick. And Sara, forgot about her for sure. Sara is gone.

_Sara is gone, time to move on._ She kept telling herself all through the days. She did not want to cry. She figured it would be ridiculous to shed tears over someone who you barely knew, actually, someone who you did not know at all. Someone who does not care about you, someone who you were only a passing kid in the hall to. Someone who only saw you that way. She had to forget her, she had to find a way. The daily making out sessions she shared with her roommate were no longer the alcohol that numbed the burden of emptiness she had felt. Something stronger. She needed something that would make her forget, but drugs were never an answer.

Perhaps a relationship. Someone in her life. Or maybe a sexual one? Maybe. But she wanted Sara. She's willing to wait another semester. If Sara was really fine, she's meant to come back and teach. Her office was still there. She's there. Right?

**...**

"You know," After detaching her puffed pink lips from her friend's, Emy said, "you're my best friend, and I really enjoy doing this with you." Her voice was raspy and trembling. Her eyes swimming with lust as the heated tongue battle paused.

Tegan's eyes were not any different. Not even her body. She could not even provide an answer but a simple whimper. She did not feel sober, she only wanted to resume the lip locking with her friend. And so she did with a soft moan. She connected their lips again and closed her eyes. As her own tongue licked her friend's already damp lips, her mind was in a different place. The vision inside her eyes were a mirror of Sara.

Sara Clement kissing her, with her delicious looking lips and her glassy eyes closed. With her milky skin on display and her warm palms stroking Tegan's skin. It's what she needed and what she imagined. For these moments, she imagined her friend was the woman she was unable to forget. And somehow it worked until they pulled away and she was met with blue eyes instead of hazel ones. Full cheeks instead of a sharp jaw. A smile instead of a fiery gaze that left her cold and confused. Oh how she had missed the sight of Sara, the scent of Sara.

Emy's hand brushed Tegan off with a gentle shove. Tegan's eyes opened and she knitted her brows with confusion. She watched her friend stare deeply into her own eyes. The bags underneath them only increased and the skin covering her flesh seemed to be as pale as Sara's, as sickly as Sara's once was.

"I want," Emy paused, her dark pupils traveled down to Tegan's clad torso. "to touch you." The request came in a whisper, a timid one. "Can I touch you, Tegan?"

Tegan hesitated, thinking about the consequences this will bring her. She did not have any feelings for her friend, but her friend did have feelings toward her. But she was not playing games anyway, Sara was gone. Emy did not even ask her out, they were not dating. So Emy has no right to be angry if someday Tegan finds an alternative to the woman seated in her head and heart and change her route of love to another woman.

She nodded. She was still unsure, but she nodded. Unable to think straight and thinking with the forming heat between her thighs instead of the screaming guilt within her heart. "I need you to say it Tegan, can I touch you?" Emy wanted a confirmation.

"Yes." Her tone scratchy and raspy. "You..you can." She stuttered.

And so did Emy, with a grin she placed her quivering hands on Tegan's black T-shirt. There was no hesitancy in her movement, and Tegan figured it was due to the amount of sexual relations she was involved in.

Then it hit her. As her friend removed the material and slid it up Tegan's torso, getting her rid of it, Tegan realized that this will be the first time that anybody would touch her. She never had sex before, and the feeling scared her, it made her shudder with a sense of frost to her skin.

Emy felt it, felt her hesitancy, she looked up at her for seconds with assuring eyes and returned her gaze to Tegan's covered chest. She knew the material of her sports bra stretched over her breasts in ways which were far than attractive, but then again, Emy was ogling the covered flesh and the feeling alone of being stared at in such a way sent chills through her body, causing her nipples to tighten and poke through the thin blue fabric.

It was uncomfortable and it made her second guess Emy's request. Was she ready to move further? Was she ready to have sex with someone she did not connect with on a deeper level? She did not know, because everybody around her was having sex with no love and it was okay, most college students did it. Then why was she thinking about love and emotional connection? She assumed it was because it's her first time, and maybe, like every other girl, she did want it to be special, or with someone she loved at least, someone like Sara.

Emy's hot lips caught her in surprise as they brushed the skin beneath her chest. She was softly kissing her now visible ribs. A sight she was not sure if she admired or not while looking at herself in the mirror each morning. Her weight loss had appeared mostly on her stomach as it was nearly flat now and her ribs were clearly visible from underneath her skin. She did lose some weight from her hips, but mostly it was gone from her face and belly. Her breasts seemed perkier and it only made them seem bigger as she had toned the muscles of her chest and abdomen. But the sight did not bother her anymore, because without a bra, they stood with firm attention and did not slightly sag as they used to.

Her stomach knotted from the wet kisses Emy's lips were planting on her exposed belly. The thickness of her fluids seeping out of her core made it hard for her to control her need and so she moaned. It was a bit loud, louder than her soft whimpers and it was filled with sexual desire. Emy left her mouth work and looked up at Tegan with a smirk, her fingers toyed with the elastic of her boxer, watching Tegan's breaths deepen and sharpen.

She moved her head to Tegan's seated level again and captured her bitten lips in a hungry kiss. This one was not like the usual kisses they shared, not the ones that left Tegan feel calm and relaxed, this one was rushed and it was hungry and needy, and Tegan did not like it, she did not like it because she was not able to return the same passion her friend was throwing at her.

She wondered how her heart is located inside her body but does not want what her body obviously does. She wondered how her heart was trying very hard to stop her from going any further but her body was much louder in asking her to give in to Emy's rough, rushed touches.

Emy's kisses moved down, showering her exposed pale neck, guiding her lips and hot tongue behind Tegan's ears, kissing the soft flesh. Tegan's breathing was heavy, her hands took a grip on the bed sheets on each side, her eyes tightly closed and her lips in an 'o' shape.

These kisses were rushed, for sure. They were needy and they were not giving her a chance to take a breath. She wondered if Sara's kisses were that quick and that hard, she wondered if her tongue would suck on her flesh the way her friend did, take it all in quickly, not gently, not slowly. But then she remembered, what she and Emy were doing, held no love, at least not to her. Perhaps Emy was being gentle, but her throbbing head was telling her otherwise.

Tegan's eyes shot open when she felt it. The pressure on her covered clit. Emy's fingers moved between her slightly opened legs and they were rubbing circles on her button. "Emy..." When she whispered these words, she was surprised with her voice, the rasp in it, she sounded like a man, and the way her friend moaned against her chest informed her that her tone aroused her more.

When she called Emy's name, she wanted her to take the hint and stop. Apparently, she was not able to tell her to stop when the pleasure in her core was increasing and forming a pole of fluids in her already soaked boxer. But Emy mistook her desperate call for a needy moan. Tegan felt herself getting closer by the second, biting her lower lip as she let out soft whimpers, she wanted it to stop, but she wanted to reach her release.

When Emy looked into her eyes once again and her rubs on Tegan's aching clit slowed down, Tegan thought she saw it, the guilt, the hesitancy, but then, Emy's lips connected with Tegan's once again, her lips were wet and her tongue was more starving than ever. They both moaned at the wet sounds their lips were forming. But the moan was soon interrupted by a ringtone. Tegan's phone ringtone. Causing both of them to jump and pause the heated kissing. Emy's index and middle finger were damp and they rested on the seam of Tegan's soaked boxer. Not circling anymore, not moving, they just rested there as she eyed her friend.

Tegan reached for the buzzing device sitting beside her shaking leg, her eyes opened when she saw that it was her mother calling her. She pressed the green button, taking the phone to her ear. "He..hello?" She stuttered. Her voice was still not recognizable, making her clear her throat.

"Tegan?" Sonia's cheerful octave made Tegan slightly jump, pushing her friend's hand away from between her legs, her guilt washing over her. "Why do you sound like that, honey? Did I wake you up?"

"No, I'm awake, it's probably just a bad connection or something." Tegan lied, the usual rasp of her voice returning back.

"Oh, you sound okay now." Sonia stated and Tegan eyed her friend quickly, thinking about how her mother stopped them from going further. It must be a sign, she told herself. Funny how her mother always stopped her from going further intentionally or not. It's as if she sensed her discomfort and decided to stop her. It was probably why she was very co-dependent. Her mother was always the rock she leaned on, and even once she tried to distance herself away from her mother's embrace and overprotective instinct, her mother returned again somehow, and helped her with stuff she did not handle alone. "So Tegan, you know that I'm coming tomorrow, you did not forget right?"

No, of course Tegan did not forget. In fact she was waiting for her mother to visit for a week. She usually did it each semester. She usually rented a small apartment and Tegan visited her each day after university. She missed her mother's cooking, she thought, since her mother was coming, she would maybe finally eat something that would help the colour return to her face. All the junk food made her lose her appetite and she knew her health was not something to be proud of at the moment. She fought against passing out everytime she stood under the sun, or beneath the hot water while taking a shower. "No mom. Of course I didn't. My friend Jeremy will drive me to the airport and I will pick you up."

"Alright, that's great. See you soon, honey. Love you. Goodnight."

"Love you too, mom. Goodnight."

She removed her phone and put it down, looking down at her exposed knees. The silence was awkward and uncomfortable. She wanted to kill it with her words but she knew what was about to come out of her mouth would hurt her friend's feelings, and for a moment, she wanted to leave it unsaid and turn her head away. But no, it needed to be said. She had to say it. The truth may hurt, but it's better than a lie, better than doing something you're not happy with. "Emy? I think," She paused when her friend's lips touched her cheek. "No Emy, no." This time her push was not as gentle, her friend's eyebrows knitted in confusion and she sighed. "I don't think I'm ready to do this yet."

"You're nineteen, Tegan." She chuckled as if what Tegan said was the most absurd thing she had ever heard.

Tegan raised an eyebrow. "So what?"

"Everybody your age is having sex right now." She shrugged.

"Well they're ready, I am not. I don't want my first time to be like that, too rushed and while I'm fully clothed and with someone I don't love."

"Oh." Tegan's hand flew to her mouth, covering it with realization that what she had said reached out the wrong way to her friend.

"It's not what I meant, Emy. I love you of course..."

"But not like that. Ya, I get it." Emy interrupted. Tegan gave her an apologetic look and scratched at her arm even though it was not itching her. "Tegan, I kinda...have feelings for you." She added, biting her lip.

Tegan could see that she was fighting the urge not let her tears fall. Tegan had never seen Emy cry. Well, only once maybe, she had a stomach virus, and she was in great pain. She cried while clutching her stomach when they were in the hospital, all three friends worried that Emy was suffering from something serious. "I know." Finally said Tegan. "And that's why maybe we should stop." She paused while watching the slow boiling anger rise inside her friend's eyes. "What we're doing, each day, you know?" Her words were shaky and scared.

Emy chuckled in what seemed as disbelief. "You're saying that now? After you reeled me in further?" When Tegan wanted to respond, Emy shushed her and cut her off. "You're so selfish, Tegan. You really are." Her voice sounded broken and cracked. "You were doing all that for your own selfish reasons, but when it got serious you pushed me away, because I'm not what you want."

"It's not like I can fucking control it." Tegan shouted, their voices rising in the small dorm room. They both stared at each other with seething orbs. "It's not like I can choose who to have feelings for." This time her tone was calmer.

Emy did not respond, she only nodded, she looked to the side as if the silent walls held the answer or affection she sought for, but only chilly silence met her eyes.

The following day, Emy did not greet her good morning. She did not look her in the eye as they were getting ready for a new day at university. And she did not sit next to her in the Poetry class they had chosen together. And in the break, Emy left and went to her dorm, making up an excuse about feeling sick. Which was kind of ironic, because Tegan was very sure that Emy was aware of how sick Tegan looked and felt that Tuesday morning. She spent half an hour spewing the insides of her stomach, vomiting on bile and juices her stomach made due to the lack of food in her system. She knew if she stood for more than five minutes she would end up fainting, and so she spent most of her time sitting while holding her feverish brow.

Jeremy had asked her multiple times if she was feeling okay, and she said she was just suffering the outcome of her insomnia the previous night. Lindsey offered to take her to the nearest hospital and she refused with stubbornness. But when the time came and her mother gasped in seeing her at the airport, she knew that her friends were probably right, and she did look like a ghost or a tired vampire. The darkness of her dyed hair contrasting with the paleness of her skin, giving her the effect that she almost did not seem like a human, or a healthy one at least.

Everything her mother said with a preaching scolding tone, Jeremy agreed with by a nod of his head, earning a grimace from Tegan which he smirked wickedly at. It felt as if he was the evil brother she never had.

Two days later, when Tegan lost her balance and fainted in her mother's rented apartment, Sonia had to force her to do a blood test. Shouting with a caring motherly tone about how she was killing herself with her eating habits, how she was unhealthy and sick looking, making Tegan roll her dizzy eyes each time her mother snapped at her with a comment.

When the test results were out and Tegan found out she was nearing the line of severe anemia, she scratched the back of her head the whole ride home as her mother, once again, did not shut up with her worried remarks. The doctor prescribed her iron supplements and vitamins, with a warning to watch her diet and eat more red meat, which she did not like at all, at least not anymore.

Tegan plopped on the couch in her mother's rented apartment with a thud and a sigh escaping her lips. "I don't get it, Tegan, why are you even doing this to yourself? I saw you picking at your food and barely chewing it. You used to eat everything your eyes fall on." That statement made Tegan groan and cover her face, wondering when will her mother stop with her never ending lecture.

"I just don't have an appetite anymore, okay?" She huffed. "It's not like I don't try to eat, I just don't like to anymore. It started as a diet and then I'm suddenly just not hungry and when I am hungry, I eat and I become full quickly." She explained, since with all honesty, she too was worried about her looks, yes, she wanted to lose weight, but her cheekbones were very prominent and it was not in the attractive way anymore.

Sonia took a seat next to her daughter, her eyes scanning the young woman with care and worry. "Tegan?" She asked with a concerned tone. "That only happened to you once." Tegan knew what she was referring to, the time she was referring to. "Honey, you're not suffering from that again, aren't you?"

_Depression? Go ahead, say it_, she thought to herself. She remembered them clearly, the three years she despised the most, the years she lacked friends, and being bullied and taken advantage of by a ten years older woman. Back then, the idea of suicide constantly touched her mind and each time she tried to perform it, she backed away in fear. The endless nights of crying and the loss of appetite and self love caused her to lose herself in despair slowly.

When her mother took her unwillingly to see a therapist at sixteen, the old lady had suggested she would take anti-depression pills, which Tegan abhorred, also her mother did not agree on after seeing the way they had numbed her daughter. She wanted a replacement, something light, and did not involve chemicals that toyed with her insides. That's when her therapist suggested she would choose a university in a different place, perhaps a different country and try to live the world without being very reliant on her mother. The process of finding stability within her thoughts was slow but it was effective, she drowned herself in studying at seventeen in order to get the scores she desired so she could be able to move to a place where she could_ start new_ as she called it.

But now, starting new seemed far away and Tegan was returning to her old habits, the thoughts scared her. She had friends, she loved them. Her emotional void was killing her and she knew the alternative which was Emy did not work no more. She had not spoken to her best friend since that night, and it was killing her slowly. But she knew she had nothing to say, and if she said more, it would just not be right.

"Do you want to see a therapist again?" Sonia's hand squeezed Tegan's covered knee slowly. "You don't have any suicidal thoughts, right?" Tegan shook her head, she did it for both questions. "What's happening? What's causing you to feel like that?" Sometimes she'd think her mother is the therapist, her questions were gentle and quiet and caring, even though she got on her last nerves at times, she was still a mother and an overprotective one for sure. "Who's hurting you, honey?"

Who's hurting her? What's hurting her? She did not find an answer. Was it Sara? No, she cannot blame it on a woman who she probably wasn't going to see again. But maybe it was her, maybe the fact that she kept seeing her in every face for a second until she realized it's not her caused her distress to increase. Perhaps she'd hunt her figure between the millions walking, each time hoping she'd appear then remembering that she was not teaching anymore, at least not for now. When she thought she almost saw her at the medical center, her heart skipped a beat, but that woman was not facing her, her height did seem like Sara's but she was skinnier than Sara, and her hair was different. It was super short, and seeming as a bowl cut from the back. The woman walked away with the doctor she was speaking with and Tegan sighed in her seat, another hope dying down in her heart.

"No one mom. It's just the pressure, the subjects are hard, so many exams, and I've been kinda arguing with Emy. Ya, I guess that's why." These reasons were a part of her feeling tired and exhausted, it's true. They were not the complete reason, but they were a part of it. When her mother asked her about the reason she and her friend were not on good terms, she almost told her what they have done. Instead, she chose the shorter version, the innocent one. She told her that Emy had feelings for her, and she almost led her on (which she actually did), and it left the situation unsaid and awkward between them. Her mother demanded she would apologize for her reckless behavior since she was the one at fault, which she knew she was.

Before Sonia left, she decided to invite her friends for dinner, she said she would cook something delicious which did not contain the poisonous products the fast food they consumed had. She asked her to invite her three friends, she assumed it would lighten up the mood and make things less tense between her and Emy.

Tegan did speak to Emy, not much, but she sat next to her twice at Poetry and she tried to speak with her, Emy only said so little. Tegan apologized and Emy only nodded, not wanting to go further into the subject they had already closed, which Emy seemed not over yet, unlike Tegan. Perhaps she was as selfish as her friend described her to be.

However, the dinner did go well, a few jokes here and there, Sonia being friendly with Emy caused the girl to laugh at her jokes which Tegan only rolled her eyes at when her mother told them. Then the embarrassing childhood stories part came and Tegan slouched in her seat, trying to cover her flushed face as her friends pointed and snickered at her. She kept sticking her tongue out at Emy, whenever she said _'Oh, she still does that'_ to Sonia, when Sonia told another story about her daughter.

A week later, almost everything was well with Emy. Warm smiles here and there, and they decided to only speak about how the schedule for the next semester was going to be released in a week, and how this semester was finally approaching the end. They did not make out anymore, and they definitely did not sit on each other's beds or shared more than a second eye contact.

Tegan thought about the schedule hard, she thought about it each night. She did not want to hope at all, but she thought about it. A feeling sparking up inside her, but again, she did not want to hope, because hoping obviously got her nowhere.

She was in the bathroom when Emy called her out, shouting that the schedule is out. She quickly flushed and washed her hands, rushing out as a maniac and hoping next to Emy on her bed. That was the first time she sat on it since the time she asked Emy to stop. She did not care at the moment because her heart was jumping and her stomach was ready to empty its contents.

And she spotted it, she saw it. Sara's name._ Dr. Sara Clement._ Her name on the schedule. Shiny, in black and big. Sara Clement. She did not know she had tears in her eyes until she read the subjects her name was near. Either subjects she already took, or subjects she couldn't take yet, as American Literature in the Twentieth Century. And her tears fell as a baby being told they're not being taken to the funfair on the weekended. "No no no, fuck no. Fuck. My luck." She sobbed more as her friend's eyes widened in amusement. The sight, admittedly was humorous and childish. Tegan crying about a professor. "Why the fuck she isn't giving American Lit in the 19th fucking century? I fucking hate her, I hate my life. Why is my luck so fucked up?" Tegan cried more and more. Her friend wanted to laugh, but she glared at her with red eyes and screaming anger. "What the fuck is this Modern World Literature? Why did she change the subjects? Fuck my fucking luck? I fucking hate her. Bitch." The contradictory finally made Emy giggle loudly. Tegan cried and Emy chortled.

But it was not amusing to Tegan, she was hurt and her not so hopeful thoughts once again been broken even more. She did not care Sara is back, she did not care that maybe she could see her on campus, all she cared about was why is she giving a subject that's called Modern World Literature instead of the one she should take with her next semester?

"You're such an idiot, Tegan." Emy shook her head with more laughter. "I swear, you're such a baby." Tegan glared at her, the idea of maybe punching her was not far away. Yes, that's how angry Tegan was, and yes that's how much she wasn't able to control her anger issues. "Fuck Tee, you know Modern World Lit is an elective for the major? One of the sixteen you must choose six from? And you only chose one so far?"

Tegan paused her sobs, her eyes big and wide as her mind came to a halt. She looked at Emy with wide eyes and a dumb smile on her mouth. She wanted to make sure, to hear it again, she was hearing well, right? "Wait, you mean?"

"Yes dumbass, you can take that subject with her." Emy chuckled, shaking her head. "You can finally be with your Sara."

**...**

**May, 3rd 2043**

_"Our two souls therefore, which are one,_

_Though I must go, endure not yet_

_A breach, but an expansion,_

_Like gold to air thinness beat_

_If they be two, they are two so,_

_As stiff twin compasses are two;_

_Thy soul the fixed foot makes no show_

_To move, but doth, if th'other do._

_And though it in the center sit_

_Yet when the other far doth roam,_

_It leans, and hearkens after it,_

_And grows erect, as that comes home._

_Such wilt thou be to me, who must_

_Like the other, obliquely run;_

_Thy firmness makes my circle just,_

_And makes me end where I begun."_

Out of all the joys I had in life, I can honestly declare that the moment I knew Sara and I were going to be the in the same room once again was the happiest I have ever had. That happiness was genuine, it was pure, and it was innocent. I never imagined that us being in the same room would lead to what it led at the end. As much as I fantasized about us being together, I never really took it seriously in my mind that such thing could happen. But things went so fast, they became so quick and in three months, I have lived a story and an adventure no other woman had lived, I am very sure of that.

And I know Sara was happy to see me there too. I saw it in her eyes and in her smile. And she told me, you know? She told me that I was the first person who waited for her and actually moved towards her without being scared or timid. I don't blame her, the way she approached me wasn't the most proper one, but she took a chance on me and I pursued her. I saw the gleaming eyes of her shine and become as bright as the sun in her very small office. Her once tired eyes and pale skin lit up and her beauty was a shadow in the room. She was so beautiful when she smiled, genuinely and happily. She was so fucking beautiful when she smiled.


	14. Sara's Twisted Ways

**Chapter 14: Sara's Twisted Ways.**

**May 3rd, 2043**

You know what's my problem? I love way too much, I have loved way too much and she had loved only too little. I know I did things I should not have done, and trust me, yes I am regretful till this day. I still sit and wonder, if I did not do what I had done, would things still be the same? I mean, I am very positive that I would have lost her either way. That's Sara I'm talking about, she does not linger too long. She only sticks temporarily, and then there's myself. I cling and I hold on till my dying day. Thirty years later, I am telling the story with tears threatening my eyelids. But no, do not worry, I am not going to cry now. I don't think I can anymore. I feel choked up, I feel suffocated, but I cannot shed a tear. I really can't. And it's not because I am ashamed, no. Sara encouraged me to cry when it's necessary. It's not that I do not see it necessary at the moment, but I don't have it in me to do so, to weep about something long gone and forgotten. I have already wept enough, for hours and for days. You know that feeling when you are done crying and you feel as you have burned so many calories, or your chest is not aching anymore but there's this kind of a hole in it? The exhaustion after the relief? I'm pretty sure you do. I feel it now. It's probably because I'm old, but I feel very tired and very drained. I feel helpless.

And maybe it's Sara's fault, you know? The age difference was a major issue. My actions were mostly childish while hers were studied precisely and acutely. Sometimes I did hate how she treated me as a daughter rather than a lover. Perhaps it's something within her. A longing, an instinct. But as hard as I tried to behave in ways that would make me feel as the bigger person, I always felt smaller and so little. I had no control over my emotions, while she would just give me the blank face with her sharp features scaring the shit out of me. I was so random and she was very fixed and steadfast. I was loud, she was calm and resolved. I could not make a decision, she was relentless and stiff-necked. We were the opposite, completely. But at the same time, I saw myself in her. I saw who I wanted to be when I grew up. Did I become that person? Well, I am certainly cold as ice as they say. Maybe I am like her right now. Is it really a good thing? She pushed people away out of fear and I pushed people away because they were not her. We both did the same thing, only the concept has changed. Damn, I sure do speak a lot, now that's what she did not do. She did not speak as much as I liked her to do, only rarely. Not always. Only if she had a glass or two, or was feeling very emotional, or very excited. In anger, she yelled a bit then remained quiet. In fear, she vanished and put on her glassy mask. But I do speak a lot, and I think perhaps I should continue where we left off.

**...**

**November, 2013**

Tegan tucked her pale hand inside the pockets of her long, grey coat, while she wrapped her other hand around her coffee cup. She was trying to protect herself against the vicious cold of the angry Canada winter as it approached suddenly, quickly, and roughly. She was seated on her seat number waiting for the 8 AM. class to start. Three girls were seated around her as they were all chatting about their plans in the one month winter break.

Only a month left, a month and Tegan was going to return to her parents' for the Christmas and New Year holidays. Then she was going to come back to Canada for the second semester. The one she was waiting for. She had to make sure she will get in Sara's class. She recalled when Sara told her if she couldn't get in, the only thing she'd have to do is knock on her office's door and ask to be a student in her small room. But Sara was not at university. That's what Tegan knew. She hoped her class won't close. Her registration time was only two days away and her stomach churned and danced whenever she thought about the upcoming.

In order to make sure and not be disappointed, she had already visited the dean and asked him about the schedule. He said that Sara indeed is coming back and giving these classes, he said she visited the university and chose them. Tegan sighed in big relief and wished she had seen her in the campus. But she was going to see her, very soon. She hoped nothing would go wrong.

Her classmates were speaking about the finals, the professors, and the schedule. Tegan was giving them only a segment of her attention. She was fluctuating from dealing with the bone aching cold, and the fact that no matter how hard it was to keep her nose warm in such temperature, she still was ecstatic for the upcoming winter to shower and hug her with its rain and snow slowly while she waited for the arrival of Sara Clement in the same room as hers.

Imagining the situation was giving her butterflies and making her heart beat faster. She even thought she was hearing Sara's name on one of the talking girls' mouths.

Except, it was not a figment of her imagination. Sara's name was pretty much mentioned. "I visited Sara Clement in her office last week."

"She's back?" Three girls yelled in unison. Tegan looked to her two classmates. They had the same reaction as hers. They all questioned the same thing, at the same time, in the same amount of excitement. Tegan did not like that.

The girl with the hot pink sweater chuckled. "Yes, last week. She's been coming to uni like everyday and sitting there doing some work. I asked her about this new subject. Gosh, she looked so thin, I did not know her at first."

Tegan's little goblins partied inside her head, making mental notes to visit Sara, smiling into the exposed air of the classroom while shifting in her seat. She was waiting for this. What she was waiting for is happening and she felt it tickling her stomach, ready to threaten what she had eaten in the morning to escape her tiny, troubled stomach. "Can we go anytime we want? I want to ask her about Modern World Lit as well."

"Her office hours are at ten each day."

Great. Ten is great. Not today. She had a class, but tomorrow. She was not even dressed Sara-friendly today. She was not in her best attire. She herself did not know what her mind meant by Sara-friendly, but not today. Emotionally, she was not ready. She's glad her appetite was slowly returning. Her face not as pale is it was, the bags beneath her eyes quickly vanishing, and her physical strength is much better than it was only two weeks before. She almost chuckled at what Sara had caused her without her knowing so. If she knew, she would call her an idiot, which she was. Immature and very dramatic. She hated it, but she couldn't control it.

The next morning approached slowly. Tegan had prepared for it all through the night mentally, what she was going to wear, what she was going to say, how she was going to say it. Her nerves were gradually betraying her. She knew how her digestive system worked, and it was most probably going to perform the same action it did on the midterm day in the previous year. She hoped she'd last till she finished speaking with Sara in her office before her nerves collapsed and gave up on her.

Walking up the stairs of her small faculty, her heart was fluttering, she almost could hear the loud drumming sound it was vibrating from behind her chest. She was not sure if her black coat, light blue skinny jeans, and black and white converse were such a great choice. Her hair was covered with a maroon beanie. She was having a terrible hair day and it was the only option. She bit on the silver stud as she walked the hallway to the last room on the left. The closer she became from the wooden door, the more giddy and nervous she felt.

She took a deep breath, she knocked on the door. Nothing. No sound. She knocked again, nobody said a thing. A third time and she did not succeed. She looked at the time on her phone. It was ten past ten. Perhaps Sara did not show up yet. She cannot be gone. She read the paper on her door. It said: _Office hours: 10 _ 12._

She waited a minute more, and decided to open the door. Perhaps Sara was permitting her to enter but she did not hear her, Sara's voice can be very shy and low at times. Oh dear, she sure had missed that voice. She missed hearing it, rising and descending, she missed when she became angry and yelled. It was hotter than her coffee pot, as corny as that sounded, but it left her fluids pool her underwear that it sticks to her thighs and lips until she returns to her room and changes it. The feeling was a torture, she missed it.

Unfortunately, the door was locked. "Of course." She muttered to herself. It's her luck after all. The unlucky Tegan Rain. She should have seen it coming. Sara was not here. She did not come today. Just because she wanted to see her, just because it was her who wanted to see her. Tegan sighed in defeat and backed away from the door. Her head low and her steps steady.

Her heart almost stopped. It almost did, it really almost did as she gasped, putting her palm against her chest. A woman. An inch shorter woman stood facing her, only few centimeters away. It was her, was it? Tegan had to look twice. She had to blink. Yes it was her. Sara. Sara Clement. Despite the changes, it was her. And look, she's smiling.

Her hair, it's shorter and it's...it's a bowl-cut. An overgrown one. Wait. It was her, it was her she had seen at the medical centre while she was waiting to get a blood test only a month ago. She was very skinny. Skinnier, way skinnier. Tegan did not think it was possible for someone to be that thin, bony and ghostly pale. But Sara was that. She was just that. Her clothes even seemed bigger than her frame. The red cotton jacket over the grey top, tucked under her grey pants. And her honey coloured Oxford shoes. This was Sara in all her glory. Her head still raised high and her hand hugged a coffee cup.

On her face, hold on, it's not just a smile, the closer she approached Tegan, the more clear it became, it was a smirk. Sara's famous smirk. A triumphant one. And oh boy, her eyes. Look at those distant eyes that Tegan had missed. Still as mirror-like, still as frightening, still as charming as they used to be. Here is her charming woman, facing her, glowing despite how frosty her skin appeared.

"H..hey." Tegan stuttered, mentally slapping herself. _Not the stutter_, she begged her mind. "Do you, umm do you remember..m...me?" She wanted to punch herself, her cheeks turned beet red and her stutter was rather heavy.

Sara chuckled, she nodded. "Of course I do, Tegan Rain." Tegan wondered if Sara could see the emotions her heart was going through at the moment, the butterflies in her stomach when she said her name. Her full name, once again. "I'm glad you kept your promise, I was waiting for you."

She was waiting too, she was waiting more than anybody and anything. And Sara's voice was raspy and sweet at the same time, she wanted to jump from her overflowing excitement. She could mark it on the calender mentally, the best day of her life. Sara's return.

Sara fiddled with the keys as she tried to unlock her office's door. Tegan eyed her long fingers working slowly. "I'm sorry about what happened, I don't know what really happened, but I hope you're feeling better now."

Sara grinned as she finally succeeded in unlocking the door. "It was a car accident." Sara simply said. Oh, so it was actually a car accident. One that left you disappearing for months and become very skinny, bony, and change your haircut to look like a hot teenage boy. Well, at least she is fine, Tegan thought.

Sara entered her office and Tegan followed, she closed the door gently, when she turned her face, she saw Sara's focus was to the closed door. Something in her eyes Tegan could not replace. She looked at the door for a clue, but there was nothing, then she looked at Sara sitting on her black chair in front of her decorated desk.

She studied the very cozy office carefully. Her desk had landline on it. There was no frame. Not as she had seen in the movies, a frame of the boss with his wife and children. Sara's desk was empty of such a thing. Instead, it had a notebook. The cover of it was cute, she could say. It was white and it had a black pattern. Such notebooks must be expensive. The cover alone was very neat. The pattern was even made of fabric, as her eyes could tell. And the edge of the papers were glistening in gold lines. She wondered if the papers were gold coloured too, but how would Sara write? And why would someone own such an expensive notebook? She pondered if it held Sara's secrets, just like the notebook she wrote her personal poems in, most of them now were about Sara. She wondered if Sara wrote about her, she doubted it.

On the desk rested a computer screen. Also, a pen holder with different kinds of pens in it. She looked at the decorated walls, almost chuckling at the feminist statements Sara stuck on the boring white walls. What caught her attention more was the drawn rainbow which seemed to be painted by somebody, and the plastic pink and green two butterflies hanging beneath the painted rainbow. It is probably Sara's child who drew this rainbow, she assumed. Would Sara even have time to draw a rainbow and colour it, then hang it on her wall? That would be very adorable, but Sara was hardly such a person.

"Liking the office so far?" Sara shook her head with a chuckle, cutting Tegan away from her thoughts, the dark-haired girl blushed immediately as her inspection was evident and took way too long. She looked at Sara, her lips wrapped around the cup of her coffee, drinking it slowly so her tongue won't get burned. Their eyes connected as Sara sipped the hot liquid and Tegan stared in awe at how the sunlight seeping through the window on her right gave a light twinkle to Sara's sunny irises. "What brings you here, Ms. Rain?" Sara asked.

Tegan was standing in front of seated Sara. She knew behind her existed a black leather couch, but she preferred to stand. She figured if she sat, she's basically telling Sara she's here to chat, but she was asking about the subject. She actually had a purpose to be in her office. "I want to ask about the new subject you're teaching. Modern Worl Lit? I wanna take it with you."

Sara nodded and looked from her coffee to Tegan. "Few people came and actually asked about it too. What do you wanna know?" Sara smiled.

"What's it like? What are the subjects? Will it be hard for me since I am only in my second year?" Tegan shrugged.

"What subjects have you taken from the literature department so far?"

Tegan looked at her fingers as she counted in her mind, thinking about it, she really did not take much. She was drowning in the subjects that she despised, subjects about the language not its literature. "American Lit till the Nineteenth century and Poetry. I'm planning to take Short Story and English Lit till Sixteen-Sixty in the next semester."

"Hmm," Sara nodded. "I suppose Poetry is good since most of the subjects I have picked are poems and short stories. Only a couple of plays, which are very short, and perhaps two novels. Plus, you are very smart. So ya, I reckon you can take this subject, even though, you will most probably be the youngest in my class, not that I mind, but you'll have a competition." She said after a moment of pondering.

Tegan's lips curled, her gums and upper set of white teeth showed as she grinned. "Well then, I am going to add it." Tegan watched as Sara smiled in return. She did not want the conversation to end. She wanted to go further, to solve the mystery of Sara's playful fingers months ago, she did not forget, and she doubted that Sara had forgotten. "Even if you have told me that I couldn't choose this subject, I would have chosen it, because I really wanna be in a class you teach."

Sara's head lifted and her eyes lit up. She wondered if what she had said was a bit too much, but she practiced it well, and she did not care how Sara reacted. "Oh Tegan," Sara's voice came out in a hushed rasp. "I would be a fool to let you escape my class."

Tegan needed leverage and support. She felt her stomach and heart twist and she was sure she was going to faint at Sara's choice of words. Her heart did not fail her, Sara said what she did not dare dream of her to say. She took a breath and decided to go more bold and daring with her choice of words. "Good." The huskiness in her voice made not only Sara's ears to change in shade, but also her own cheeks, realizing how her voice changed whenever the walls between her thighs throbbed and watered. She wondered if Sara figured it out too, hoping she did not. "I feel...c...comfortable around you. Like, I feel very fucking comfortable with you and I just want to take every subject with you, you know?"

_Oh God_, not the stutter and the cusses to ruin her sentences. But she wasn't able to help it. Her mind was racing with her heart and there was a battle of excitement and need scraping inside her body. "I don't know why, but like, I really like you." She said it. She did say it. She admitted her liking and she did say it. Her breaths were becoming harder to inhale, the more it took for her ears to grasp Sara's sweet sound, the more worry showered inside of her.

But then it happened, Sara pursed her lips, then chewed on her bottom one for mere seconds, and she responded, "I like you too." That's what she said. The only thing she said. Tegan looked at her, trying to sense the lie, the joke. She blinked, wondering if her imagination took her on another trip to La La Land where everything was above fabulous and Sara returned her feelings. But she was standing on solid ground, facing a breathing human with flesh and blood. And it was _Sara_ who said she liked her too.

Sara could mean she liked her as a student. She absolutely understood it as Tegan liked her as a person, not the way she actually liked her. Her mind might have tricked her again. "You seem as you think a lot. Do not think a lot, Tegan." Sara ordered.

Her silence and shock were definitely noticeable. "Thinking fires fear. You do not want fear nor rational thoughts in moments that are easy to second guess." She did not understand what Sara was suggesting and what she was aiming at. "Take what you can get and live with it as it comes and goes." Her voice was very calm and her tone was just a whisper. Very relaxing.

She squinted her eyes and tilted her head, which earned her a giggle from the older woman. The sound was very melodic. "It's funny how you always seem not to get what I am saying, because I never get what you're thinking, and I wish I can just hear what you're thinking." Tegan squinted her eyes again. Sara was asking to be fed with information about Tegan's thoughts at the moment. They were all jumbled and disordered inside her brain.

"Do you really wanna hear what I'm thinking? Because it's so random and weird inside there." She motioned to her head. Her grin big and her eyes now dilated with amazement. Sara's smile grew bigger and she nodded like a puppy given its favourite meal.

"I do, I really do." Sara admitted.

"Well," Tegan huffed as her pupils moved to the side, trying to grasp the most appropriate thoughts from the corners of her mind. "right now I am thinking about many things. Most of them are kinda inappropriate." She nervously giggled, and Sara loudly giggled, amused with Tegan's honesty. "I am thinking that it's really hot in your office. Also, I'm thinking why do you always wear very light clothing in such cold weather? But then again, your office is so hot and I'm sweating like a pig. Sorry, is that too gross?" It definitely was, Tegan thought. Sara was not going to want to sleep with her anymore, in case she wanted it.

"Continue, please." Sara encouraged.

Tegan smiled and pretended to think. "I'm thinking of things I'm too scared to tell you. And I wish you wouldn't ask me about them. I'm thinking about how I can easily tell you that I do love girls. I love girls, Doctor." Tegan hadn't officially come out. Only to her family, close friends, and Emy came out for her to the two girls who visited their room a lot. She was still hesitant. She admitted to Sara she loved girls but to herself, she figured what if she loved boys someday?

Sara did not seem the least surprised. She quirked her brows and asked, "I'm the first you come out too?"

"No. I mean, my family knows. I don't really think my dad is pretty happy that he's not going to have a son in law, but my mum and brother are supportive enough. I came out to my friends, they've been supportive. But not to people in general. I'm just, I don't know. I'm scared."

"What are you scared of?"

Tegan looked down for a moment. A part of her wanted to share all her full fear, a part of her wanted to close the door and not allow Sara inside. "In high school," She began to say, Sara nodded. "I dealt with bullying, remarks about my...body or the way I sometimes looked. I've always dealt with sexism one way or another and I am sure each woman dealt with it as well. And even homophobia, it scares me and I know I cannot deal with it." She was speaking, not revealing everything, but she was able to speak. Even though her words were shaky and her sentences were mixed and not arranged well.

"I honestly cannot deal with it too." Sara admitted.

"I guess I just can't handle what people might say. I cannot deal with such hateful comments and opinions." She revealed her weakness. The part of herself that she couldn't control when she was being judged. She always cried if somebody judged her. It was one of the reasons of why she did not fully come out.

Sara sighed for a bit then looked up. "People talk, and that is a fact you should not forget. Whether you hopped on the moon or dated a woman, they talk. You just have to close your ears and focus on yourself and what you like." She wished Sara also spoke about herself. She had just poured her insides to Sara's prying ears and Sara only advised her. Sara was playing the part of her therapist. "It's okay, Tegan. I know not caring take lots, and lots, and lots of time. But baby steps are good as well."

How does one even take baby steps? Why were they speaking about this now? She wanted to kiss Sara, not be analyzed mentally by Sara. "Well I guess I could try." Tegan sighed.

Perhaps it was time for her to leave. But Sara interrupted her mental plan, "I trust you in this," Tegan furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, thinking Sara was speaking about her latest statement. "I trust that you're not going to spread this around campus, especially not to your friends. People already know it, but you know how I have quite the reputation. You've been there._ We've_ been there." Sara chortled. Tegan, despite being lost, she clearly remembers, she remembers very well. "I am bisexual."

Tegan wanted to gasp, but gladly, she didn't. It's exactly what she wanted to know. what she wanted to grasp, and Sara, despite liking boys, she did like girls too. "But here I am keeping it on the down-low. No, not because I am scared, I simply believe that I do not have to go up there and shout that I just like way too many people, whether they had the thing or they had the _other_ thing." They both giggled with flushed cheeks this time. While Tegan cussed, Sara tried to censor her words. "Not everybody have to know sometimes. Do not worry about it. You told me because you're comfortable in telling me, I told you because I'm comfortable in telling you. You really do not have to declare that you sweat and sprinkle rainbows wherever you go. As long as the people who you love and care about are supportive, the rest of the world do not matter." Sara did own wisdom and Tegan was only falling for her words more and more. The words and speeches she had missed.

She wanted to pinch her wrists, she was actually standing here again, in front of Sara, speaking alone with her. The old conversations she took for granted. They are alive again. Tegan nodded and smiled. "You are right. Thank you."

Sara smiled in return and nodded. "I was so scared you're not going to teach here again, I was ready to delay American Lit in the Nineteenth century until you return. Then I saw the schedule and your name was not there and I panicked." She did not admit that she had cried, that would be silly, Sara would think her strange and pathetic.

Sara snickered. "I did not choose it because I saw this one and I really would love to teach it in my own twisted way, so I picked this one instead." She explained.

"Thank God I could take it, gosh. I am gonna add it. I can't wait." Tegan walked to the door. In her mind she knew that speaking time was enough. It's been over fifteen minutes. Perhaps half an hour. She needs to make sure she's not late to her friends. She ditched a class to meet Sara and succeeded in finding her after the scare that she didn't find her. In a bit, it was time for their joined break and the last thing she needed is questions from Emy and smirks from Jeremy. Especially that she had not told her roommate she was going to Sara's office.

Tegan opened the door, ready to say goodbye, when Sara spoke, "Yes go add it. We'll have fun together." And winked. The famous wink. _Oh God, oh God, oh God._ She missed this wink. She thought she was never going to see it again, but she did. Sara's wink was personalized only for her.

It left her cheeks stained with the darkest of cherry red. The thought alone about Sara staring at her heated flesh made them darken even more. She wanted to bang on the wall or grab Sara's face roughly and kiss her soft lips. She wanted to kiss Sara and gosh, she will have to wait two more months to see the woman again. Two more agonizing months until she and Sara faced each other again. She has to make her move. She has to do something. To win Sara, to be with Sara, to make sure Sara is hers. Because she cannot take it anymore. She was going to get under Sara's skin one way or another. She did not know how, but she was going to figure it out.

Tegan changed her direction when excitement overpowered her weak system, driving her stomach to float with untamed happiness. She knew what was about to come, she took the safe route and headed back to her dorm. Before anything could leave her lips, she knelt in front of the toilet and tried to breathe. A moment later, she successfully and agonizingly hurled inside the toilet, clutching her churning stomach as the bitter taste took over her taste buds.

While washing her mouth and brushing her teeth, she heard the door become unlocked, opened then gently closed. Her friend walked to the open bathroom door and looked at her with narrowed eyes. "You puked again?"

Emy's jaw was slightly dropped, Tegan recalled that she spent the previous day vomiting. She thought it was a cold, now she came to the conclusion, it was only out of nerves. But her friend did not know. She dried her face with the purple towel and looked back at her friend.

Not able to contain her excitement, Tegan had to tell her friend, if she waited anymore she was going to burst. Her mind was going to explode into tiny pieces that recalled every word Sara had said to her. "I met Sara today. I mean I went to her office." She did not care that her friend took it bitterly. She did not care about the reaction she might get. Her words were rushed and her tone was exuberant and loud.

"Oh?" Emy raised an eyebrow. "Why did you go there?" She asked.

Tegan walked back to her room. She plopped on her bed with a sigh of content. "I wanted to ask her about this Modern World Lit subject, we talked a bit, that's it. I'm just happy she's teaching it." She chose her words carefully, making sure not to reveal the details of her speech with the older woman.

The other brunette sat on her own bed, she pressed her lips together and nodded her head. "I registered the subject, Tegan." Emy said simply. She bit at her bottom lip. "I had to. There were no subjects I could take." She justified her choice with guilty shrugs.

Tegan was rather aware of the real reason behind Emy's choice to this subject. No matter how much she would try to prove she only took it since her schedule was empty and she did not know what to pick, she knew deep down, Emy picked it only to be in a Sara class, whether she herself was in it or not. Some kind of revenge or a twisted idea, it did not matter, because Tegan was not about to let it get to her, or show that it got to her.

If there was anything Tegan was bad at, it's acting. But not now, she was going to fake her welcoming embrace as if Sara's class was only for her, and she is the only student. "That's great." Her off-pitch, loud octave made Emy widen her orbs. "We'll have fun together." She cringed as she said the same words Sara had said to her. Only she meant them in a very different way from understanding them coming out of Sara's mouth. "I mean, when Sara explained the subject, it seemed kinda fun." She shrugged and Emy grinned happily.

Maybe Sara warned her not to tell anybody she is into both sexes. Sara said people already knew, Tegan, being the person she is, naturally, she couldn't keep a thing inside her mouth unsaid. She had to share the fruitful events of her meeting and chatting with her professor to someone. Jeremy was the perfect individual she could tell everything to with details. He was not going to share it with Emy, for sure.

Tegan started smoking cigarettes only a month ago. Often when her friends studied they smoked, and she joined. Her first attempt was filled with coughing and blinking tears, she even held the stick wrong, which made the smoke climb up to her eyes and make them water and become red. Now she was becoming a professional. Able to finish a pack in a day. Just like this moment, she enjoyed smoking with Jeremy while they chatted about everything.

Jeremy's apartment was where parties were held, secrets were told, or problems were solved. This time, it was a secret, not technically, but Tegan was not sure it would be safe if she shared with everyone what she's sharing with Jeremy.

Her guy friend nodded and asked a couple of questions. Relief set into her chest when he did not judge her or the words been said. He chuckled or snickered here and there, he made some inappropriate comments, but he accepted what she said with an open mind. "When you guys finally sleep together, will I be invited for a threesome one day?"

Tegan snorted, she slapped her friend gently on his broad shoulder. She raised an eyebrow when the look on his face seemed actually serious. "Wow Jer, you're a fucking perv."

"You said she's bi." He shrugged.

Tegan shook her head, contemplating whether she should finish her cigarette or perhaps burn Jeremy's arm with it. She decided to continue it. "You're not gonna get a threesome. I don't wanna see you naked. I am pretty sure she doesn't want the agony of that too."

Jeremy faked a gasp, "Wow, Tee, you're actually mean." He placed his palm against his chest, pretending that his friend's words had hurt him. Tegan giggled as she blew the smoke out of her lungs.

**...**

**Jan 10th, 2014**

Two months full of anticipation and longing had passed. One can not say as quick as the passing wind, but with the motion of the activities Tegan was busy with in such two months, she had no time to sit and wonder. She thought, indeed she thought, every night before falling asleep she had thought about Sara, about how was she going to get into Sara's head. She wanted something real, not just flirting, she wanted more. Studying for finals and celebrating the holidays with her family had saved her from worrying and over thinking. But somehow, there was still this anxious part that only belonged to the soul of Tegan. It held dusts of fear and kept ashes of disquietude inside her careworn corages.

However, nothing matters at this moment, nothing matters because the day had finally came. This is the day and this is the moment she had waited for since the morning. Tegan chuckled at the irony. Sara's class is as well her last class every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. But it was at two instead of one, and this time it was shared with her best friend, her roommate, and the girl who had feelings for her, Emily Storey. Anxiety would be such an underrated word to describe the action going inside Tegan's pounding chest and flipping stomach.

Sitting beside Emy and waiting for her lady to enter class No. Thirteen in the first floor of the faculty, Tegan eyed every new and familiar face entering the class. She had not spotted any male in the classroom yet. Only very beautiful women. Mostly older than her. She wanted to control her thinking while seated in the second row. These girls were gorgeous. They were very beautiful and they were clearly in the class for Sara, she assumed. Jealousy was not going to get her anywhere in this, she had to focus on one person and that person is Sara.

Sara, as the name hopped inside her mind, so did the owner of name. Not hopping, but running, yes running to class and closing the door the hardest she could. Flashback of the previous year erupted inside Tegan's mind. The day Sara entered the class and sent fear to her whole system only a year before. Exactly a year before. Time did go quickly. The thought drew a smile on her lips, and when her eyes connected with Sara, she almost melted at the warm smile being sent her way. The nod, the little nod and the smile.

Emy eyed her, she saw the blush on her cheeks, but she did not say a word. Sara turned to the class and looked at every face, a smirk plastered on her lips. The Sara smirk. The very few individuals in the class all laughed. It was definitely a class filled with Sara's lovers.

"Only girls in my class, huh?" She giggled softly, earning another laugh from her students. "I am flattered. I mostly know all the faces, but I see very few new faces. Why don't we start with the usual introduction and then I will say my rules?" Groans came out of the mouths, Sara's introduction that most of the class including Tegan already knew from before, and her usual rules, which Tegan could not forget. Only thing missing was the apple and the loud then quiet tone. She figured Sara was acting more friendly since barely thirty persons were in the class, and most of them she knew from previous classes.

The girls started introducing themselves. How boring a class would be with only females in it. Not to Emy obviously, her gawking eyes were sparkling as each beauty introduced herself, the smirk never leaving her face. She checked out every female, including grey and white dressed Sara. Tegan, on the other hand, was only checking out one woman, and it was her very skinny professor.

Sara looked way better than the time she visited her at her office, however. Her hair grew back, it was exactly the same hairstyle of the previous year. Tegan wanted to thank whoever is up there she grew her hair to the same way she were used to, even though the bowl-cut made her look cute, the fringe made her look hot and more mature. Her white button down was definitely sheer, except Sara was wearing a tank-top under. A grey jacket on top and grey dress pants, slightly rolled to show the bones of her ankles.

Tegan's eyes were finally alerted when she saw the way Sara stared at a girl sitting beside her and Emy. She was blonde, she had an accent, she was very beautiful, and Sara seemed startled by looking at her, same did Emy.

"My name is Hanna. Majoring in English Language and Literature, third year. I chose this class because I am really excited to study a bit about modern world lit." Hanna smiled, Tegan narrowed her eyes, Sara beamed, and Emy stared.

"You have an accent, I like it." Sara said and Tegan almost rolled her eyes.

The blonde grinned, her features were so sharp that even if she smiled, she still appeared cold and annoyed. "Well I am from Ukraine." Her voice was so raspy, and it was driving Tegan crazy not to punch a wall or break something.

Sara raised an eyebrow with her infamous smirk. That smirk belonged to Tegan, she thought. "Oh, I have a _special_ friend from Ukraine. I'm going to visit her in June."

A special friend. Tegan knew what she meant by a special friend. And Tegan did not like what Sara had said nor what she meant. Her scowl could murder the blonde if looks could kill. She even forgot it was her time to introduce herself. Sara raised an eyebrow. "Tegan, I may know who you are but your classmates do not. Please introduce yourself, and say why you had picked this class."

Her cheeks flushed at the situation she had put herself in. She cleared her throat and said, "Oh, sorry. I am Tegan Rain. I major in English Language and Literature, second year, and I chose this class because...well, because you're teaching it." Honesty, it was brave and it caused Sara to smirk.

"Awww." Mumbled Emy in mockery. Tegan mouthed a silenced s_hut up _to her friend. Emy then introduced herself.

Sara looked confused. "Wait, your name is Emily." Sara stated. "Oh boy, I thought it was Emy, which was a weirder name than Tegan."

Weird? Tegan wanted to shout and perhaps punch Sara. Her name was not weird, it was sophisticated and beautiful. Way better than boring and repeated Sara.

It is safe to say that Tegan spent the whole hour in class with a frown, each time Sara locked her eyes with the younger girl, Tegan only frowned more and slouched in her seat.

Sara shared her rules of accepting each other's opinions and not allowing ignorance in class. Her hatred about mobile phones and technology and her presentations request, which was going to happen with her new idea of the midterm exam, which was going to be a report, or more of a thesis to be specific.

Tegan was not catching up, mostly because her mind was planning sick ways of revenge or giving Sara a piece of her mind, which she was not going to perform both, and the other part was because Sara was not even being very clear to Tegan's slow comprehension. "You are going to pick a subject you are really interested in. As you know, in this class I do not request books. I will hand you the list of the subjects we are going to go over. I picked an author and a work from most cultures. That is what you're going to do, you're going to pick a culture and two works. You will speak of these two works, perhaps compare and contrast, or talk about the style of the writing, or the topic itself. You can even criticize. But I want the two works as a proof, you do not list anything in them. The two works can be two novels, two poems, or two short stories. I am giving the freedom to choose and write. I mostly just want you to write. This will have thirty marks as you know. And your presentation will be when you hand the report which will be at least fifteen pages, you will stand here in class and present it for an hour."

Tegan's jaw dropped, in loss for words or understanding. Fifteen pages to compare between works? Tegan can barely write three pages in essays. She despised essays, she hated analyzing. Was Sara seeking revenge or basically being the harsh Sara she was told about? "I want this class to be directed by you, not myself. I will come here and sit with my coffee just to hear you discuss the subjects and themes with each other and I will only add my opinions. You will move this class, not me. Consider me a student just like you. Do not get me angry because trust me, I am not myself when I am angry." Sara warned in a serious tone.

That was not the Sara she was waiting for, the one she was waiting for her red shy ear and warm smile with coy giggles. This Sara standing here sounded older and more mature. She lost Sara, or her chance to be with Sara. As the devastating thought crossed Tegan's mind, her ears were alarmed to Sara's tone close to her. "Hey, you." Sara called, "Girl with the scowl." Tegan looked to her right and Sara was standing there, reaching her hand. "Yes, you, thunder girl." Butterflies exploded inside Tegan's stomach at the nickname Sara had given her a long time ago.

Sara's face softened, her smile is gentle and weak. Her eyes, despite being the frightening mirrors they are, they seemed relaxed and soft. "Leave your thoughts for a second and hand the syllabus to your classmates, please." Sara asked nicely. Tegan nodded and got up slowly.

She marveled at how Sara was able to tell she was heavily engrossed in her own destructive thoughts, it would be a shame if Sara read them, but perhaps it would be a blessing and she would know that Tegan was not pleased at all with her actions. From bra tugging to ignoring her the way she did. Tegan was not up for mind games, but it seems that Sara was enjoying her own tug of war. Tegan refused to play.

After handing each a sheet, and saving one for herself, she carried the ten remaining in her hands back to Sara's desk, where the woman was clearly and with no shame eyeing her body up and down while standing beside her desk. Yes Tegan had a really tight dark skinny jeans on, and her red and black striped shirt was tighter than her other clothing, but that did not mean Sara could eye her in a way an animal stares at its prey. Not in class full of students anyway, Tegan was too anxious to take such gawking as a compliment. She had only started dressing in tighter shirts recently when her stomach was sucked in and became toned after her failure of appetite in the previous months, which she was now perfectly healed from but still a bit careful.

Tegan looked at Sara in the eye and the professor looked back, she stepped closer and whispered. "Is everything alright with you?"

Tegan, taken aback at the caring tone of Sara, she timidly folded her arms against her chest, an act of protection she was accustomed to when she felt a bit exposed physically or emotionally. She nodded quickly and gulped. "Ya, I just got worried when you talked about the midterm paper. I don't quite get it."

Sara nodded slowly, then smiled. "It's alright, email me what you do not get and I'll try to explain." And then she winked. The first wink of the new semester. Sara without a wink is not the Sara Tegan knew. But now she winked and Tegan's heart fluttered and squirmed. Her cheeks turned red and everybody had seen the scene. Everybody did stare, Emy did glare.

Tegan returned to her seat but Sara's eyes were as fixed as the fixed foot of the compass while Tegan was the turning other. Her red ears glistened even though the room was lit by a white neon light since the cloudy sky outside only made the class dark.

Sara tucked her fringe behind her ear and looked at her students. "I want you all to get your names on a paper and the subjects you had chosen, which culture or nation you had chosen it from. The writers' names included for sure. I need to have an idea. And of course, if you have a question, here is my email on the syllabus, I'll try to answer as quickly as I could."

At that, Tegan frowned once again. Sara might be correcting her mistake for the shy hope she had just given Tegan, including the students in her email request. Sara did not even ask her to walk with after class, nor go to her office. Sara was being half the Sara she knew. Perhaps because her friend shared this class, but Sara did not seem to care at all. She did not even treat Emy the same way she had treated her the previous year. Sara seemed changed, and Tegan was not sure if she liked it.

She sighed in exasperation and malcontent as she left the class, knowing too well that Sara was walking behind. They left from the same door and walked the same route. Emy was by her side, but they were both silent. Sara was behind and Tegan did not dare look. She wanted to runaway as fast she could, bury her head in her pillow and perhaps cry at the dissatisfaction her journey to seek Sara had presented.

When Sara entered another building, which seemed to be The Humanities building, where Tegan took most of her other classes, Tegan sighed loudly. "I hate that Ukrainian girl."

"I hate her too." Emy agreed and Tegan furrowed her eyebrows. Emy seemed very interested to say such a big word such as hate, or perhaps that was Emy's hate face. "She's so fucking hot, I wanna do her." Tegan rolled her eyes, she had judged too quickly.

Sometimes, Tegan would think she's only attracted to Sara or middle aged women. As much as she viewed the women in her class attractive, she did not seem attracted in a sexual way as she was to Sara. Thinking about it way too much only caused her worry, she called herself a lesbian in her mind, but sometimes her mind would stray. She did not know what her label was, nor did she want to be labeled. Labels always made her anxious and limited, she wanted to be free and love who she loved, but her friends now labeled her as a lesbian, plus she admitted to Sara that she is. And anyway, it's not like she saw a guy she was sexually attracted to. But she was still attracted to Sara in ways she was not attracted to any human before, and the thought of not being able to be with Sara caused her distress and worry. She only wanted to read the woman's mind, to understand the way of her actions. They seemed very calculated and well played. Tegan did not appreciate the cunning mind of Sara, she did not enjoy the push and pull, she wanted a steady thing, something real.

That night, Tegan decided to email Sara. She played dumb if you could say and planned a question in her head. She knew her friend and other people were emailing Sara to ask her as well, her friend too did play dumb. Tegan could tell that her friend had caught up to Sara's needs, but why waste a chance to email Sara? It was pretty pathetic and Tegan knew it.

She did not want her email to sound something out of the ordinary, she wanted it to be formal and very specific, and so she asked:

_Hello Doctor,_

_I have a question about the subject. So you said on Wednesday we should tell you about the nation or culture we want to write our papers about, but do we also bring the works we chose? And we choose them according to what? Do they have to be translated to English or is it okay if they were in their native language?_

_Thank you._

_Tegan Rain._

Tegan could read Spanish and she wanted to choose the Spanish or the Mexican cultures, she knew finding translated copies was hard sometimes, only the most famous and most popular were translated. She did not know what her subject would be about. She needed to read a lot and study. Sara did not want anything from the American or the English cultures, she said they are very safe and are being taught at university.

Tegan never understood Sara's strange passion with cultures. The woman seemed very well educated and hard to please. She asked for way too much and the knowledge and information they had were way too little. She realized that this subject is going to ask so much effort of her, she will have to read and write. Sara said she will ask them to write a response paper or a reflection after each subject they discuss in class, more writing for Tegan.

Emy mumbled her distaste for Sara's policies, she mocked her brain and said that she was probably super alone and that's why she has that much time to read and correct papers. Tegan became defensive and defended her professor. She said that it was her job and she is a great professor. Emy rolled her eyes as the conversation died down.

Next morning Tegan checked her email but there was nothing. She did not have to go to university as, once again, much like the previous year, she had only picked three days a week to take six subjects. Her friends did not get it, it was surely exhausting, but it was much better than going to school five days of the week, Tegan's slumber was more important than anything else.

At six thirty in the evening, while Tegan was browsing the web, facing her opened laptop screen. She noticed that the tab which had her email opened and showed that she received an email. She shrugged it off thinking it is probably an ad or something not important at all. She continued scrolling through pages of celebrity gossip while chewing on a KitKat bar.

Her friend was on her own bed, also facing her own laptop screen. Silence was the only speaking roommate they shared. Minutes later, Tegan unconsciously clicked on the email tab. Her eyes widened when she noticed who the email was from. She took a breath and calmed herself down. She remembered how formal her email was to Sara, it was only normal to receive a very formal response as well. And so she clicked at the email and read it.

_Hi,_

_I need you to tell me on what region, kind of lit, nation, etc you would like to work, and the works come by default I guess ;)_

_Best of luck._

_Sara._

She read it twice, stopping at every very informal word. Then she stopped at the wink. One cannot say she was excited, no, she was kind of bemused. What did Sara even mean that the works could come by default? The response was even more puzzling than the questions she had asked.

She felt Emy's standing form behind her, she knew Emy was reading the email as well. She wondered if her friend received her response and if it was as confusing as hers. Emy answered her thoughts before they were voiced, "Shit Tegan, she's so informal with you. Look at the response I got even though I asked kind of the same questions."

She held her laptop in her hands, aiming for the screen to face Tegan's knitted eyebrows.

_Hello Emily,_

_All I am asking is to pick a subject you are interested in, read about it in a culture you can work with, and then you will find works based on such a subject. You can find works before, they have to be related, there must be a connection between them. It does not have to be about a certain topic. You can for example speak about Magic Realism, you can find lots of works which involve that topic. Hopefully, I have explained well._

_Good luck._

_Sara Clement._

While Tegan's email was confusing and did not give the proper answer she asked for, Emy's was very detailed and specified Sara's request. While Tegan's email had a winking symbol, Emy's had a period. While Tegan's email was very informal, Emy's was strictly formal.

Sara was clearly going for something and if Tegan might have been doubtful before, now she was more certain that Sara was playing her own kind of mind games than she was sure that the globe was oval shaped rather than round.

She looked at her friend who now understood everything. Emy nodded in understanding. Tegan's features were attentive but restless. What did Sara want from her? Tegan did not know, and she could not read the signs and signals Sara was suggesting or sending.

**...**

**May 3rd, 2043**

_When my love swears that she is made of truth_

_I do believe her, though I know she lies,_

_That she might think me some untutored youth,_

_Unlearned in the world's false subtleties._

I suppose that's when her mind games started. She indeed seemed to be enjoying them. It's when her go, but stay little quriks emerged. The more she saw me at distress and confusion, she played it better and made me ache worse. She fed on seeing me lost. Yes, I agree, it was toxic from the beginning. But then I learned that her mind games were set out of fear nothing more. Her position was very risky and sensitive, I suppose she had to make sure I am up for her trouble before she took me all in. Guess I was for a short time, before I blew it completely.

_Thus vainly thinking that she thinks me young,_

_Although she knows my days are past the best,_

_Simply I credit her false-speaking tongue;_

_On both sides thus is simple truth suppressed._

Lies, lies were the bullet in our relationship from the start. If it was not built on her lies, we wouldn't have fallen, you see. I blame her for her lies even though I understand the reason for them. But how shall I know? She always thought me as a little kid than a functioning adult. If she had told me what was happening in her world, I would not have strayed the way I did. Any sane person would have done the same. Sara is just a mystery and a puzzle like these poems I keep aching your head with. My love for poetry only grew due to the fact whenever I asked her something she recited a part of a poem. And look at me right now. I have lied my way through life, and I am reciting poetry as I go. How fucked is that?

_Therefore I lie with her, and she with me,_

_And in our faults by lies we flattered be._


	15. Black and White

**Chapter 15: Black and White.**

**May 3rd, 2043**

And I wonder, did Sara know I was doing everything to make sure she was taking care of herself the way I wanted her to? Did she know I was doing everything I could to make sure she was still there, still happy, still alive, still breathing? Did she know how much of a heartache she caused me? Did she know how many times I have dreamed about her? As a monster with vicious claws. Sometimes a devil in red and black, haunting me through small dirty streets. Sometimes as an angel in white, with a halo on top of her head. She was haunting me, in a good and a bad way. Do they know when we dream about them? Do they know when we cannot sleep, thinking of them? Did she know how terrified of love I have become? Forever thinking it will scar, take, and damage. Forever thinking that all it does is shatter, sting, and end. Fearing of loving another, only for them to leave me once again. Would I bear another loss? Would my body take it? I was still holding on to a shadow of memories called Sara, I couldn't take another loss. And it is probably why I have not moved on, I always made it my priority to push away before I am pushed away. And here I am still thinking I am as weak as an ant on the floor.

Even when it hit me, when it finally hit me that Sara was never going to be seen again no matter how I tried. Which was the hardest because I was saving grains of hope inside the pockets of my mind. But then everything was clear that Sara was actually gone from my life, she was gone, she was not coming back again. I could not let go. I wanted so hard to forget her. I slept with anybody I laid my eyes on. I tried to kick away the feelings from my chest. I pinched myself till blood poured out of my skin if I ever thought that I am falling for somebody new. I did not want to go through another storm of tears and pain. I did not want to lose another person. Maybe, maybe if I have allowed myself to love somebody else I would have moved on, perhaps I would have found happiness in other arms. But I couldn't risk it, because I knew deep down that every hello ends with a goodbye. That's what Sara had said, I couldn't bear another wretched goodbye.

**...**

The second class with Sara went down smoothly if you could say. Tegan tried her best to avoid her professor. She did not appear angry, so she would not feed Sara's ego the pleasure of knowing that she had gotten inside of her. When Sara left the short story in the syllabus and started discussing sexual harassment with a student, Tegan found herself on the edge of her seat, agreeing with everything Sara was saying.

In the past summer, Tegan started to become more aware of the patriarchy that revolves around this world. As much as she would like to admit it's due to the fact that she had opened her eyes and read a lot, she knows that her hardcore feminism started emerging after knowing Sara. The woman simply inspired her and made her see.

Emy kept mocking Tegan's excitement until Sara comfortably started speaking about her insecurities as a teenager. Tegan blocked everybody in class and listened closely, mesmerized by Sara's confidence and ability to share details that made Tegan's cheek tinted with the colour red.

"When I was young, not very young, but when I was a teenager." Sara chuckled. "You know that age when your body develops and you start getting _this_ and _that_?" The students giggled. Tegan wondered if the class had males in it, Sara would have been as comfortable to speak about herself, but knowing Sara, she did not care and she would have spoken what she wanted either way. "Back in the nineties, I moved from cute long hair that reached my bum to blonde spiky hair and baggy clothes. I literately chopped all my hair off and bleached it." She wrinkled her noes at the memory as her students laughed. "I know, I don't know what I was thinking. The worst part was that, apparently if you have bleached spiky hair and wear baggy clothes you are mistaken for a prostitute, especially if you stood in the wrong place, at the wrong time."

Sara did have a sense of humour, and Tegan enjoyed hearing such stories from Sara, she wanted to hear more. "The best part was when I started getting called a whore in high school." Sara rolled her eyes.

"Why would they call you a whore?" A brunette asked.

Sara shrugged. "I believe if a woman is sassy enough to shut you up in such a society that is dominated by men, she is called a whore, especially back in the days. Plus, I wouldn't lie, I was not the most innocent kid out there. I was not a player, but somehow always lacked luck and was caught with other people." Tegan admired Sara's confidence to reveal all that about herself. She herself recalled the times she was teased in high school. She did not think Sara with her charm would be teased. She imagined how Sara would look with short bleached hair and even a more sly personality. Sara obviously did not seem as she is easy or good news all the time. That smirk proved it all.

"It's probably because I rejected a couple of the popular kids who asked me out back then. They started calling me a bitch, and I was like so what? What if they called me a bitch? It's my freedom of choice, I choose who to date. I'm not a bitch if I'm not into you. But you know, to this day, most students here call me a bitch." Peals of laughter gushed out into the classroom. Tegan silently agreed. She had heard a number of students calling her a bitch for being so hard-headed and sassy. "The moral of my boring story is, so what if they call you a bitch? So what if they call you a whore? You know who you are. Dress the way you want to, not the way society wants you to dress like. Show your body, or do not. Whatever makes you comfortable should be the way you dress, and sexual harassment should never be justified by your clothes or actions, it is never your fault." Sara sighed. "But this is a class full of women I am speaking to, I guess that's why men do not choose classes with me anymore. Not much into the feminist boat, eh?"

Other than receiving bits of information about Sara's past, Tegan was not interested in the remainder of the class. Sara was generally ranting and bantering about everything around her. Tegan did listen, but there was nothing to grasp her attention. She had never imagined Sara the kind to go on and on about things that bothered her in life. She really did consider Emy's comments about how alone the woman might be. Perhaps the only time she was able to speak was when she taught. Tegan refused to think such a thought, why would anybody not want to speak with Sara?

But when Sara spoke about the concept of loneliness and being lonely while they were discussing the short play _Crossroads: A Sad Vaudeville_, Tegan noticed that indeed Sara did feel some kind of loneliness.

The way her eyes changed in colour, from shiny hazel to dull brown. The way she stared into the distance whenever she spoke and explained. Tegan was in awe at the scene. "Everybody needs a partner in life. You need someone to talk to, to speak with, being lonely can drive you to do things you shouldn't do, as we see in this play." Sara explained.

"There is however, a difference between being alone and being lonely." Sara continued, the students listened in silence. "You often want to be alone, that does not mean you are lonely. And often," Sara paused. "you are surrounded by many individuals, however, you feel maddeningly lonely." Tegan agreed. Sometimes it's how she felt.

When the students gave their opinions and discussed them with Sara, Tegan commented quietly as she was seated in the first row next to her friend, Emy. Unfortunately, Sara had heard her. "You need someone to live for." She did not think what she said was going to upset her professor. But when Sara turned and faced her with big dilated orbs, Tegan's lips parted and she felt fear creeping up to her insides.

Tegan had always considered Sara's hazel irises as the most frightening thing she had ever looked at, but right now, they seemed to be blazing with fire that was going to burn her. Sara became closer, she stepped very close, her eyes wide and her irises sparkling with red anger. "You think that?" Sara asked. "Is that what you really think?" Tegan gulped and nodded. "You are wrong." Sara simply said. Her octave harsh, quiet, and husky.

"You do not need someone to live for. If that's what you think, then who are you living for?" She asked, her eyes shifting from Tegan's face to Tegan's chest.

Tegan looked down at her light blue sweater. She did not get why Sara's eyes were staring in such a way. It made her uncomfortable, and it reminded her of how the boys in high school used to stare. She folded her arms against her chest, it caused Sara's ears to heat with flaming red. "I meant, if you have nobody at all, like the woman in this play, no parents, no children, no friends, no family, no lover, what are you living for?"

"For yourself." Sara's answer came quickly and loudly. Her hands reached to Tegan's shoulder, but the mere brush was as if Tegan was the fire Sara would be burned with if she touched. She pulled her hands away quickly. Her anger switched by vivid fear. Her eyes softening and seemed timid. She touched her hand the way an injured would touch their wound.

Tegan looked at her friend who was eyeing her, the students were quiet. She felt the eyes of every human in this class burning holes on her back. She wanted the roof to collapse and crash her, the ground to open and swallow her. She wanted to leave and not be in a class with an angry Sara.

"I think you're turning the poor woman on with your tight clothing." Emy commented when she eyed Tegan checking herself out in the long mirror they shared in their dorm room. Tegan was trying to find the clue of Sara's hesitancy in touching her.

After touching her back and rubbing it, to being scared to touch her the slightest touch, Tegan was not pleased. She looked back at her friend and raised an eyebrow. "It's a sweater, it's not even that tight. She goes on shading men in the streets about staring in an animalistic way, yet she does the same." She sighed.

Emy shrugged and pursed her lips, "Maybe she's hinting that she wants to get into your pants? Maybe she's just really horny all the time? She seems the kind who's really good in bed." She smirked, earning a groan from her friend.

"She's like in her thirties, I'm pretty sure she sleeps around or something."

Emy sighed. "Tegan seriously, everyone is kinda noticing the way she stares at you, you either speak to her or do something about it."

"What do you want me to do? You know me, I can't just speak to her."

"Sure." She nodded. Seconds later, she lifted her head with big eyes and a bright smile. "I have an idea, but please do not protest."

**...**

Tegan walked with her usual scowl adorning her pale face. Emy walked beside her with a grin. She was sure Emy's idea was as terrible as hers wearing that sheer shirt in the previous semester. She gained nothing but gawking and slight touching from Sara. Perhaps at the beginning Tegan would be just happy to sleep with Sara once or twice, the more she thought about it, the more she worried. She indeed lacked experience in sexual relations, while Sara was obviously far too experienced. She often wondered if Sara saw through her, knew she is a virgin, and Sara's aim was to take it and then leave her, but she came to the conclusion that if Sara wanted such a thing, she could have easily gotten it from the previous semester. Right now, all Tegan wants is a steady relationship with Sara, as crazy as that sounds, as impossible as it is, she craved it more than she craved sweets after a fatty, salty meal.

She kept holding her plain black jacket with both hands, covering the tight white tank-top her roommate let her borrow. She argued with Emy that her wearing tight clothes to please Sara's eyes isn't going to get her anywhere. Part of her felt as if it is Emy's plan to stare rather than Sara's. She decided to wear the necklace her friends got her on her birthday for the first time. It was long and it would distract the strangers' eyes from her chest. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" Tegan groaned.

"It is. now keep walking, we're already late to class."

"Since when did my tits become a fucking plan, I have no idea. I feel objectified." She huffed, entering her faculty.

Emy snorted and pushed her to the already full class, they sat in their usual seats, first row, on the far right. Sara entered the class after a minute. Tegan's eyes examined her exposed legs as she walked around looking through her papers. Sara's grey skirt was tight and it stopped at her knees. Her torso clothed with a dark blue jacket, a grey coat resting on her arm.

Sara continued discussing the same play with the few students in her class, Tegan was busy taking notes and analyzing the characters and setting in her head. Sara's analyzing often ached her head, her mind was too complex for Tegan to comprehend it. Somehow Sara was able to relate most things to life and death and this was a turn off to Tegan. But the more she focused on the woman in black, the more she resembled death or an end for the young man, perhaps Sara was right. But then again, literature can be interpreted in many ways and different forms as long as you justify it. Sara was able to convince her students in what and how she perceived the events, some of her students were able to argue and share their own opinions. Tegan lacked the ability of connecting things the way some of her classmates did, and she felt envious of how they saw right through the many metaphors and allegories. She often wished she had that talent, her brain worked in such a quick and mysterious ways as Sara's. But she was simple, she did not look much below the surface and she found herself becoming lost in class full of creative minds. She resumed her frown while taking notes, not paying much attention anymore.

"I like it." She heard her professor's voice and kept her eyes focused on her notebook. "I really like it." She was not paying attention to what Sara was desiring, but the silence intrigued her, she looked up and found everybody staring at her. With confused eyes, she raised an eyebrow and tilted her head. Sara pointed to her chest.

The necklace. Sara was referring to the necklace her friends got her. The pendant stopped right on top of the swell of her breasts, giving Sara's eyes an excuse to stare other than simply staring. "Thanks." Tegan smiled. "Do you want it?" She rushed to pull the chain out of her head but Sara stopped her.

"Oh no, not now." Sara smirked. "Keep it until I fail you in this subject, then bribe me with it." And then she winked. Emy was muffling her giggle, Tegan was wide eyed and her lips were in an 'O' shape.

Too bad escaping the class as quickly as she could was not in Tegan's favour that Monday. Or perhaps it's a blessing, she yet had to find out. Sara pulled her by her arm gently but strongly, making her turn around and face the other woman. Her friend paused her walking as well. Sara cleared her throat and looked at Emy, the friend got it immediately and excused herself. "I'll wait for you and then we'll go grab something to eat, alright?" Tegan nodded. Emy gave her a warning look, which she was sure, clever Sara was able to read it on Emy's obvious eyes..

Perhaps Emy's plan was finally working out. Sara was obnoxiously quiet while walking around the campus. Her nose as red as a tomato due to the coldness of the breeze, she had her coat on now, but her small body was obviously freezing. She directed her student to the building that Tegan assumed she gave another class in. They stood in the crowd while students moved around them. Sara cracked half a smile and sighed. "So what's up?" She asked.

Tegan shrugged. "Nothing much." She wondered where Sara was going with this. She hadn't seen Sara at the bar since the previous year, she already thought she abandoned it. Tegan was overjoyed on the inside, but she did not want it to appear. She did not want to look like the fool she had already projected to Sara. She was angry with Sara's game, but she did not even want to show anger. She wanted to seem as if she had little care or notice to Sara's obvious, sick games.

Sara tilted her head as if she is trying to solve a puzzle piece, Tegan kept her eyes focused on Sara's. "I have a feeling that you are upset with me." Sara stated. "Did I do something wrong?" _Yes, yes you did._ Tegan wanted to answer. Sara was playing dumb. For sure she was. She was trying to be the clueless in the equation.

"I am not upset with you." Tegan confidently answered. She raised an eyebrow at her professor.

Sara nodded. "I see." Her eyes squinted and her lips quirked a wicked smile. "Is it someone that's keeping you up all night daydreaming?" Sara almost sang the words. Tegan chuckled and shook her head. "Come on, you seem as a little injured soldier who can't stop writing love poems about your beloved. Who's the lucky woman?"

If somebody told Tegan that Sara is a mind reader, she would believe it without asking for a proper proof. She already had it in front of her. Sara often was able to see through her, to sense her feelings and emotions. She was probably the one who sucked at hiding them. "Me?" Tegan snorted and pointed to herself. "Oh please, nobody likes me." She lied, and she laughed as if it was the most ridiculous thing ever.

"Why are you saying that?" Sara took a step to the back, mouth a bit agape.

Tegan took a moment to ponder the answer in her head. It's as if she was being in an exam room, trying to perfect her answer for Sara's clever ears. "It's just that whoever I pursue is not really available." She shrugged. "So ya, there's really no one at the moment." Another lie.

Sara looked down at her feet, then up at Tegan, studying the younger woman's feature with every shift of her pupils. "I guess I understand that, but sometimes you need to chase people. You can't say they're not available and step back. You have to try. I'm not telling you to be clingy, but you know, do not give up."

"Oh trust me, chasing people got me no where but being called clingy and obsessive, which I believe I am." Tegan was becoming emotional, and she did not want Sara to see her eyes water in public. "I always chase, nobody chases me."

"You don't even know who could be chasing you at the moment, Tegan." Sara's tone was serious and strong. Her eyes looked the same way they did when she scolded Tegan about her comment on Friday.

Tegan wanted to chortle at the irony in Sara's words. If the woman knew how Tegan felt about her, would she be giving that talk? What if she knew? What if it's her way to tell Tegan she's into her? Tegan did not want to be silly. Sara was strong enough to get whoever she wanted, whenever she wanted. She wouldn't drop hints. Whatever Sara wanted from Tegan was aching her head, she wanted to cry just thinking about it. "Oh I know. Nobody is chasing me, or ever will. I don't know, maybe it's my looks, maybe it's my personality."

"Which are both beautiful." A warm, tender smile spread across her lips. Tegan couldn't help but blush and smile back, mouthing a quiet thank you to her professor who squeezed her shoulder gently. "I would really want to spend hours speaking with you. But I have to get to class. Look, I'm always at my office, just pass by and we could talk. I'll see you later." She gave Tegan a toothy smile and hurried to her class, students entering as they saw her stepping closer to the door, afraid she would close it in their faces.

The whole way to her dorm, Tegan continued asking herself one question: why me? Why her? She did not understand. What did Sara want was beyond her reach as well. If only Sara just made it more clear. Sara was playing, she figured. She was enjoying her time with an injured bird. Tegan was vulnerable emotionally and Sara took advantage of that, Tegan cursed the fact she was that comfortable to open up to the older woman. Sara never opened up, nor spoke about herself. She only wanted Tegan to reveal herself and become the exposed emotional ball around the woman she loved.

And therefore, Tegan decided not to visit Sara at her office, a week passed and every glance sent her way by her professor was ignored. That's until Tegan had a question about the midterm paper. It was a simple, a very simple question that could be answered by an email. Therefore, she had decided to send her an email.

_Hello Doctor,_

_I just wanted to ask you about the midterm paper. Is it alright to include quotations from the work we have chosen? Do we mention the works by any means or only discuss the joined topic in both works? What about the authors? Do we include them in the paper if their lives were affected by that topic they discussed in their works?_

_Thank you._

_Tegan Rain._

Simple yes or no questions. Sara could have answered them and sent them back, and that's what Tegan expected. When she woke up the next morning, she had found a different reply from Sara.

_Good morning Tegan,_

_Why don't you pass by my office so we can talk about this!_

_Best ;))_

She read the email not only once or twice, but more, way more. She lost count. At first, she thought she was hallucinating. But the letters were real. She shook her head, infuriated by Sara's enjoyment to that game. She pondered for minutes, should she just go? Or make an excuse and ignore her?

It was not a case of pride or ego, she was simply upset. She was upset with herself for loving the emotional torture Sara was causing, and upset with Sara for enjoying every bit of it. She wanted to do the least Sara expected and refuse. She formed a lie.

_Good morning Doc,_

_I'm afraid I cannot stop by your office the same time you have office hours. I do have an important class at that time that I cannot leave. Can you answer my questions now, please?_

_Thank you._

_Tegan Rain._

Tegan was determined to stay as formal as she could while contacting her professor. Sara was indeed informal and very inappropriate in the way she responded. No other professor would behave that way, but then again, no other professor would question you about your love life the way Sara did, and no other professor would wink at you, nor touch you in ways only your lover should. The thoughts ached Tegan's head, but what gave her a bigger migraine was the response she received only five minutes after sending her email.

_I am usually in office at 1, pass by._

_Sara._

Now she had to obey. Sara was demanding her to stop by her office. It was clear, without thinking about it. It did not need the smartest people to inspect and tell you that what Sara was asking was for Tegan to visit her office whether she wanted or not. Tegan must oblige, and she did not want to find out how Sara was going to react if she did not go there.

She could easily ask Emy to ask her these questions and she would reply. A part of her indeed was excited and wanted to spend time with Sara in her office, after all, that was the buried fantasy inside her colorful mind. She wondered if she did not go and perhaps played her own game with Sara, where would she end up. Maybe finally Sara would give in and either be hers, or leave her. She did not want to risk it, if she was going to be around Sara more often, so be it, she's not playing, only Sara is. And Sara was about to see a happy Tegan in her office the following day.

When Tegan showed her roommate the emails, Emy's eyes grew wide open and she reread them twice. "Boy," She breathed. "you better clip your nails, Tegan." Tegan's cheeks became crimson red at the statement. She looked at her nails which were growing a bit and made a mental note to clip them after her shower.

The idea of ending up sleeping with pernicious Sara in her office was absurd. The woman seemed too classy for that. She remembered her friend saying that those can be the kinkiest people when it comes to sex. She did imagine Sara to be wild in the sheets, but not in her office. At least not when it's Tegan's first time. She's not really looking for rose petals, champagne, and sensual music. She just wanted a private place that included a bed, and for the act of sex not to be rushed or too rough.

Tegan paced with a throbbing heart to the familiar office, this time slowly, and not with joyful excitement. Mostly, it was worry and anxiety that covered every tiny drop of looking forward to meeting Sara and speaking with her. Anything could happen behind Sara's closed door, and the ambiguity in the word _anything_ unnerved her to the max, causing beads of sweat to form on her brow while she knocked and was immediately allowed inside.

Sara sat in her chair, a green apple in hand, a relaxed face, and her infamous smirk which Tegan was growing tired of the wickedness it hid. Sara motioned for Tegan to sit, she looked behind and took a seat on the black leather sofa. Sara returned her attention to her phone and chuckled while reading whatever was there. She started typing, not giving the slightest attention to Tegan until the student cleared her throat.

Sara looked up from her phone as she took another bite of her apple. "Why are you here?" Sara asked, taking another look at her phone.

Tegan's jaw dropped. "Are you serious?" Sara did not respond. "You asked me to come here, twice."

Sara took another bite and chewed slowly on the fruit, her eyes never leaving Tegan's. "Oh ya, I just answered your questions and emailed you. Figured you've already checked your email."

The barrier of tears in Tegan's eyes was slowly being invaded. She could not believe how sick Sara's game was becoming, how silly and repulsive it was. She shook her head and stood up, ready to leave. "Wait, are you leaving?" The tone and the face Sara made took her by surprise. Sara looked almost as afraid that Tegan was going to leave.

Tegan grinned, exposing her set of teeth and gums, suddenly her anger replaced by cheerfulness to see that reaction on Sara. "What? you want me to say? I can stay, I have nothing right now." Sara tucked her fringe behind her ear, showing the pinkish shade that was slowly becoming brighter, she bit her lower lip and did not respond. It was a yes, her flushed face and shy gestures answered for her. That's the Sara Tegan really loved, the one she fell for from the start. "Can I know why you brought me here if you were going to respond to me via email?"

She finally released her puffy lower lip from her teeth. "Because I felt like it." She said with a confident tone. Any hints of shyness disappearing. "Oh by the way, I want you to tell everyone I'm not coming to the class today, I have some business to deal with." Sara shrugged. Tegan gave a nod, her eyes fixed on her professor's. Sara's focal point however was shifting, she looked at Tegan up and down slowly, making it clear that she was actually checking her out. Tegan once again folded her arms against her chest while still standing. "Why are you always scowling at me?" Tegan shrugged. "Someone with pretty of a smile like yours should never frown. Come on, smile." The compliment did make Tegan's heart flutter, and her cheeks grow in shade, but she forced a smile only to please her professor. "That's better. Always smile."

She wanted to shout, _what do you want? What is your problem?_ She did not want to be rude. That part about herself she despised the most. Too careful and afraid of crossing the line. If it was another girl, she wouldn't have had to deal with Sara's shit. But it was Tegan, and she allowed the rest to step on her while she remained silent.

"My first girlfriend looked a lot like you." Sara spoke, breaking the tensed silence. Tegan took a seat when Sara continued looking at the sofa. "She also had that piercing." She motioned to her own labret while speaking. "Her name's Katina."

"Do I remind you of her?" Tegan wondered out loud. "Is that why you're holding me hostage in your office? Is this like some unfinished business or grudge-holding idea?" She asked with a chuckle, easing the tension of her question.

"At first, when I saw you at the bar a year and a half ago, I thought you did. But then I got to know you, you're nothing like her." Many questions rolled inside Tegan's head, but as usual, she was way too scared to ask. "Tegan?" Sara's tender tone came in a whisper.

Tegan looked up and watched Sara's lips quiver, she opened them in attempt of saying something but she closed them once again. "What is it?" Tegan whispered. With pleading eyes, she begged, "Come on? Please, you know what is it." She was sure that Sara knew what she was speaking of as much as she was sure what Sara wanted to say. She had never seen as much fear in the fearful eyes that frightened her. "Why are you doing this?" The question mostly was aimed to the thin air as Tegan whispered it. Tegan was asking herself rather than asking Sara.

"I think you should leave." Sara commanded. Her octave rose once again and her mirror eyes regained their sharpness and void. "Please go inform your classmates I am not giving a class today." Tegan stood up with crestfallen eyes and nodded. "And please do not tell anyone what just happened." Sara pleaded.

"Nothing happened." Tegan's tone was loud and rather enraged. "Nothing." She repeated, mostly to herself. Slamming the door as hard as she could was the only way she'd let her anger out on Sara. The whole time she was there she was counting on breathing exercises, now, they did not even work. Instead, she kicked the wall facing Sara's door, knowing too well the woman inside had heard her wincing in pain as she crumbled to the ground, holding her aching ankle. She took another deep breath and stood up, leaving as quickly as she could, not telling her classmates that Sara wasn't going to be present for whatever reason it was. Sleep was her friend and safe cave at the moment, sleep is all she needed to forget Sara's voice mashed with guilt, Sara's tone when she asked her to leave, and Sara's game of reeling her in but pushing her away.

**...**

Since missing a class was not an option for Tegan unless she was immensely sick or exceedingly bored with the class, she decided to sit way in the back instead of her usual seat in the front. Truly, she was terribly agitated with Sara's actions only two days ago, but honestly, she was still eager to see how the witch with the charming eyes was going to react around her.

Sara, however, did not seem the least bothered. "Ms. Rian, I want you to come sit in the front like usual." Tegan looked up but saw nothing that suggested anger or fear in her professor's eyes. Looking at the class, she noticed she was the only student sitting in the back, also her seat beside Emy was still empty.

The previous day, Emy had managed to suck out all the information from pissed off Tegan. She did not give an advice or suggest another daft plan. Simply, she cussed Sara by calling her_ that bipolar bitch_. Tegan agreed with silence and distressed disgrace.

Quietly, Tegan moved back to her usual seat, not giving Sara any glance since she knew if her eyes met the glassy ones of her professor's they might squeeze the easy tears out. "What's wrong, Tegan?" Sara asked.

Tegan pinched at her wrist to tone down the building rage inside her system. "Nothing." She replied with an unconvincing tone.

"You can tell me, it's alright." Sara was still playing her nasty game. That's when Tegan looked up with burning ire beneath her hazel spheres. "Tegan?" Sara gasped with a smirk. "Why don't you tell me?" Tegan was not appreciative with Sara's joking tone, she did not respond. "You stopped loving me, Tegan?" The student's eyes shot open, very well sure her classmates had the same reaction. "Is that so? You stopped loving me? Why don't you love me anymore, Tegan?"

"Holy fuck," Whispered Emy and only her friend heard. "she has issues."

Sara approached closer to Tegan's seat, her plastic smirk bigger and her teeth beginning to show. "Why don't you love me, Tegan?"

Flabbergasted and dumbfounded, Tegan stuttered, "I...it's nothing, I still...love you." She shook her head at how pathetic she sounded and how embarrassed Sara had made her feel and look.

The girl beside her was eyeing her slowly, focusing her squinting eyes on Tegan's red ones. "That's better. I'll force you to tell me after class." Evil Sara chuckled and proceeded with lecturing.

_No_, Tegan thought. And so when the class came to an end, she tugged on Emy's sleeve and pushed her quickly out of the suffocating classroom. She almost ran but her efforts were plainly unmet. "Tegan." Rang an angry, strong sound from behind, pushing her and her friend to a halt.

She groaned and turned around only to face a look of sharp fury she had never seen on her professor. Her jaw clenched and her eyes, they sent a pang to Tegan's heart. The white surrounding the hazel ball almost red, and the dark pupils black and big, while the sweet honey irises they were dim and faded. "We need to speak. Emily, you are excused. Tegan, follow me."

An order was made and Tegan followed it with a closed mouth, and gritted teeth. Sara walked until she found an empty, secluded bench behind the trees in the back of the faculty, where no student could see, and rarely anybody would pass by on their way to their class. Sara sat and so did Tegan, leaving a space between her and her professor.

Sara did not seem to fancy the idea, she moved closer, her thigh brushed Tegan's and her hand moved to Tegan's back, rubbing it with a soothing, scared touch. Tegan took a breath and bit her lip, her eyes watering. "Tell me what's wrong? Please tell me what's wrong." Sara's soft tone made it impossible to be angry, but at the same time it made it easier, because Tegan was sick of her black and white self.

Tegan shook her head. "Too much is going on, that's it. I am just not in a great place." She lied, and her lie was met by a sigh from Sara. Her face was down and when Sara sighed, her hot breath hit Tegan's flushed temple. "God, I'm going to cry." She whispered, turning her teary eyes away from her professor's focal point.

Sara's hand continued moving soothingly. "It's okay to cry. You should cry to feel better. There's nothing wrong with crying." Tegan chuckled and looked up at her, she noticed Sara's eyes had shifted to her chest once again. "There's uh..." A small piece of paper on her blouse. She recalled tearing parts of her notebook and leaving it to fall on the seat. Sara's hand reached to remove it, brushing her left breast on the way.

Sara's cheeks burned bleeding red, that's when Tegan choked on a suppressed sob, shaking her head. "Is it me that's making you feel this way?" Tegan nodded, lying wasn't going to make Sara stop. "If the class is depressing you, if I am causing you that much distress, then it's okay, you can drop it." Sara said with a shaken voice.

The younger woman wiped her tears with the back of her hand. "I chose the class for you." In disbelief, she looked at her astonished professor. "Why are you doing this? Why are you making it so hard for me to be around you? I liked being around you." She continued crying.

Sara did not respond. "What do you want? You keep giving hints and then act as if nothing really is happening when you know too well what you're doing." She sniffled. "This is fucking exhausting, if you think I'm enjoying these mind games of yours, then you're fucking wrong." The words were just flowing out, every word she had repressed, everything she wanted to say, everything was spilling out of her tongue like water flowing out of a fountain. "You made your moves, and slowly made me fall for you, and now you're saying I should drop the class? Is that your plan? Are you that sick to reel me in but pull away when I have fallen into your stupid hole? I am a fucking human, not a damn doll you can toy with and throw whenever you feel like." Her tone was rising and Sara's mouth was hanging open, her eyes expanding and wide as well. "And you know what? Maybe I should drop this stupid subject and forget I ever met you. You'll probably find somebody to wink at and tug at their bra in the next class."

Tegan finally stood up, her monstrous indignation murdering every piece of sanity or rationality within her brain. "Maybe you should find someone your age to get laid with instead of sexually and emotionally harassing your students for pure joy, you pervert." And with that, Tegan left, leaving a pale Sara fixed on her seat as if she has lost the ability of speech.

Feeling satisfied and happy with herself that finally, most of her outrage was out in words towards the woman she wanted to throw them at the most. But the more she repeated every word she had said in her head, the more she cried in regret. Her words were harsh and if they were said to her, she would not want to live any longer. She continued checking Sara's Facebook, waiting for the moment when Sara removed her from her friends list. Sara never did.

Emy's lap was the comfortable pillow she cried on during the weekend, knowing now that she must drop the damned subject, since if she stayed, Sara was surely going to make her life a living hell. Plus, she didn't think she could look into Sara's eyes any longer, not without crying at least.

She did not go to the bar on Saturday, she figured it's the only place Sara can find her at, and heartily, she did not want to see Sara any longer. So to stop herself from looking at her profile each time she checked her phone, she unfriended her from Facebook. An immature act that she always mocked when somebody did after a break up. It was a bit satirical, Sara was not her girlfriend, yet she is mourning as if they have been dating for years, and the break up was utterly atrocious.

Emy thought of her action as pure exaggeration. Tegan did exaggerate on a medium level in her life, mostly when it came to revealing emotions, bottled up ones in particular. "We're not going to the bar, but we're going to one of these college parties, you're going to get drunk and forget that bitch. You're going to find a hot babe and hook up with her." Emy said with a firm tone. Tegan continued to weep. "I will drop the subject too, Tegan." Emy stated.

The crying brunette looked her in the eye and shook her head. "You don't have to. You shouldn't get involved. I'm just a drama queen." She sniffled.

"You're not, you're not." Emy disagreed. "She's the bitch. At first I thought you were building fantasies inside your mind, being dramatic and childish, but I saw it clearly with my own eyes, and let me tell you, every other girl in class did too. They all know she treats you differently than us, and some are even jealous, but they shouldn't be, because look at you. You've been crying since yesterday. You should be thankful nothing serious actually happened then you ended up dumped harshly by her, that would have been worse. You will forget her soon, you will meet someone else and fall in love, someone normal and doesn't have some mental issues, alright?"

Emy's preaching was not being paid attention to by exhausted Tegan. She only nodded and pretended to believe her friend's words. Her mind was elsewhere. It was thinking of Sara and what she could possibly be doing at that moment. If she's angry with her or is upset. Sara wouldn't be upset, Tegan thought. She probably doesn't care, and most certainly had spent the night with a beautiful woman, or perhaps a man, and woke up to them in the morning, unlike Tegan, who woke up with a make up smeared pillow, and emptiness surrounding her small frame.

And so that Saturday night, she dressed in her favourite black leather pants, dark green button down and a leather jacket on top. She even asked Emy to help her dye the roots of her hair in the afternoon, and Emy was happy to help. She applied a thick line of eyeliner on her upper eyelids and a bit of mascara. She gathered her hair in a tiny ponytail, some stray hair falling from the side but that was not a problem to her. She studied her final look in the mirror, swallowing a lump in her throat, and nodded to her self. She reached for the top buttons on her shirt, unbuttoning the first two, revealing a decent amount of cleavage. Tonight she was going to get drunk, dance, and maybe, just maybe she would get laid. The thought made her nervous, but she did not want to think about it too much, and did not want to become nervous.

And that's what Tegan did, she drank more than she had ever did. She even swallowed a pill that was handed to her by a stranger, she shrugged while feeling the bitter taste at her tongue, what harm could be caused, she thought. Her jacket was out of the way and her sleeves were rolled up to stop right at her elbows, a third button came undone and her ample chest was out for the woman she was squeezed with. Her breathes were getting heavier and so the thickness of the fluids between her thighs.

Her eyes were too foggy to comprehend how quickly she was back to her dorm, on a bed, she was not sure if it was hers or her roommate's, because the room was spinning. When she looked down at her torso, her shirt was no longer there and she did not mind, the air was heated and the temperature of the room was suffocating, she reached for the zipper and the button on her pants, unzipping, unbuttoning, and then pushing the fabric out of the way and kicking it off her legs. It fell to the ground and she giggled at the sight of rumpled clothes on the ground.

She rested her head on the pillow and stroked her exposed stomach gently, the prying eyes of her roommate were dark with utter lust, her clothes were also on the ground and and her lips were puffy from the amount of biting her roommate caused each time their lips and tongues met at that night.

Tegan was getting infuriated with Emy's paused actions, and so she roughly pulled her down on the mattress so she could take her position, only Tegan did not take anytime to wander and stare, she positioned herself on Emy's thigh while her knee came in contact with her friend's crotch. "Fuck" hissed Emy.

Tegan moaned at the pressure her friend's thigh was causing to her throbbing clit, and at the wetness seeping out of Emy's underwear to her knee. She closed the gap between them when her friend sat up a bit, capturing her lips with a wet, rough kiss that soon turned to heated tongue wrestling while she quickly rode Emy's thigh, smearing her juices all over her friend's skin. "Oh God, fuck." Loud moans shared in the dorm room as rushed, rough hands stroked, groped, and scratched each other's skin.

Tegan was in a high she did not reach before, the alcohol and drugs caused her sexual desire to climb the farthest level of lust she had ever felt, her insides ached and throbbed for a little touch. Her mind was empty of worries and over thinking, the only thought she had was how terrific the euphoria she was living at the moment, how magnificent the feeling of having that much pressure on her bundle of nerves, and how much she needed to come just so she could repeat it once again, and again, and again until she passed out. And that was her aim for the night.

**...**

**May 3rd, 2043**

You did not see that coming, did you? Or maybe you did. Isn't that what they call the climax, or the turning point of the story? Perhaps mine has many turning points in it. But it is the exact cliche you would find in a drama meant to be watched by enthusiastic, dreamy teenagers. I slept with my roommate, well...almost, I'm not sure if it counts. She never thought of it as sleeping together, but simply, getting each other off. I know, I know, you're eager to find out how did everything turn out after my burst on Sara. No, Sara did not have mental issues, not that I recall. She was just different when it came to approaching who she wanted, I suppose the failure of past relationships and her frosty soul had to do with it.

Despite being very cold most of the times, Sara was another person with me when we lived the short days of love and lust. I was surprised of her crude mouth. I was astonished with her choice of words which tinted my face with the colour of the cherries. I was startled with her dirty mind and her high sex drive. As soon as I was under her roof, she would reveal the lively Sara that thought of everything in a kinky way. She had some eerie fetishes that I couldn't grasp at first but turned to long for within time. She wouldn't mind throwing an inappropriate joke in the wrong time if she was not teaching, her ears never became red and her cheeks were as pale as the rest of her body, and it was rather strange. Soon enough she became accustomed with my presence to allow herself to be fully exposed, physically, verbally, and sometimes emotionally, but I never adapted to her, I still blushed each time she undressed me, or whispered something that drove my stomach to tie in knots. I still squirmed and my heart drummed when she was around, until the last time I'd seen her. I suppose I always saw Sara as the perfect mythical creature that if I shut my eyes for a second and opened them again, she would not be there. And I was accurate, Sara flew away as soon as I closed my eyes, opening them only to find myself holding and clutching on the wind, you cannot hold the invisible wind.


	16. She Went There

**Chapter 16: She Went There.**

**May, 3rd 2043**

I remember it now quite well. Dreams, perhaps nightmares. But I swear to the sun, the moon, and whoever created the stars, that these were visions, they were not ordinary, dull dreams. There was a message, a message behind and I only realized what the message was after a particular dream I had four months after Sara and I departed. I woke up with a gasp. It felt as if lightning had passed through the dark sky and made me see, not the thunder, however. It was only the lightning, because I still couldn't make up what Sara was saying in her dream. But I knew what did the dream mean. I knew what the sign was, how things were going to end, but I couldn't make anything that she whispered in my ears, I still wonder, what was the message in that farewell gathering I was abruptly invited to? I didn't know. What was Sara trying to say in every dream I have dreamed? I still want to grasp this message. Perhaps she wanted to say something, but why didn't she say it? Perhaps it's my blind hopefulness that created sights inside my stricken skull, sights that my eyes wanted to see in sleep and in short lived moments such as dreams.

In that dream, we were sitting in a circle, around a round table. Sara was the boss and her favourite students were only invited. It's as if she was King Arthur and we were the knights. She had cooked her favourite meals and she called it _The Farewell Feast_. I was wearing clothes I wouldn't usually wear and Sara complimented me on them. Sara was glowing, she was in white. All white and her hair was shiny and fresh looking. We ate, and we laughed and then we left. But, Sara grabbed me by the hand, she whispered into my ears and I did not hear what she said the first, the second, and pretended to do the third time. But I did not, just like every dream of her trying to tell me something, but I always woke up without finding out the message. In that dream, I remember returning to my mother, and I said to her, "Sara is going to die." She asked, "What's new in that?" And I said, "She is really going to die." But I didn't know. I said, "She told me I was beautiful." And my mother smiled, and said Sara was correct. I looked at my mother and I sighed the most hopeless sigh I had ever released. And then I woke up.

**...**

Sunlight. Like streaming water, cascading down onto her porcelain skin, where it made a barrier between two shades. One, a hint of tanned yellow, making the tiny, light brown hair visible to the sharp sting of her newly opened eyes. The other was the same pale skin she woke up to each morning, saw in every passing mirror, looked at with her own big orbs, and lived with since her day of birth.

She shut her eyes once again, not able to keep them awake more than a second. The flaming fire within them filled her lids with forced tears. She closed her eyes and focused on the agonizing ache in her throbbing head. Her body felt as numb and heavy as a stone. She tried to part her lips in order to wet the dryness of her mouth, but the effort was hardly met. She succumbed to her paralyzed state. With painful difficulty, she swallowed the remains of saliva rolling on the tip of her tongue, only to be welcomed by a sore throat due to how dry the inside of her mouth was.

Water, she needed a glass of water. She attempted opening her tightly shut eyes once again, slowly becoming conscious. She needed water. Her breathing was heavy and she was wheezing for proper intake of air. The more her senses awakened the more her head ached, and the more the sunlight became clear, and her vision became stable, not filled with small black and white dots like the first time she allowed her pupils to take a sight of the surroundings.

Her numb trunk finally coming alive, blood flowing steadily, heart beating regularly, and senses working just fine. Tegan shifted her arm. She pulled it out of the warm blanket that covered her upper body up to her neck. Her forehead was rubbed with her exposed hand while few sighs left her finally parted lips. She rubbed her eyes a couple of times.

It was as if by rubbing her eyes, she had activated the activity of her functioning mind. As if it was asleep all through the few minutes she had awakened, and with her tiny, bony fingers touching the closed lids of her eyes, she had generated the required power that her brain needed in order to start working, bursting with images, thoughts, needs, and questions.

And so she gasped, realization of the state she is in had finally set in. The reason for the obnoxious sunlight in the morning was due to the fact that the bed she is sleeping on was her roommate's. She was scared to look to her side, she knew who could be there, actually she knew who is there. She did not want to face her, however. Especially not when she was not sure what had happened the night before.

A hand rushed to cover her lips as another realization had hit her; she was lying down with an uncovered upper body, and only a thin material covering her lower half, making her shift uncomfortably as the fabric was stuck tightly to her other set of lips. She squeezed her eyes shut in failed endeavour to collect memories of the previous night. Except, nothing had satisfied her blank mind. Only few tears danced on every cheek as she caught a glimpse of the sleeping form besides her own.

She wanted to shake her friend, to push her out of bed. A part of her wanted to violently squeeze her arms until she shrieked a gasp, or vehemently slap her face until she cried and her eyes became sore and red. That beastly side of her frightened Tegan. But the peaceful serenity from her friend's sleeping face angered her to the extremes. And the blame was solely on her unconscious friend. Even though she did not know what exactly had happened and why they're both in their underwear. Emy might not remember either, but Tegan did not want to carry all the blame for something that sent an appalling shock to her just awakened body.

Her sobs provided a horrific audio to them, something like a hiccup, but it was only a sniffle, and an exaggerated whimper. It was her only scheme to be the cause of Emy's rise from her heavy slumber. Tegan succeeded after a minute, her roommate opened her eyes and performed the exact rituals of trying to gain awareness of the surroundings.

Tegan proceeded with her sobs, now in a seated form and a covered face with both palms. Her friend's grey blanket held securely around her chest. "You don't remember anything, do you?" Emy asked with a sigh.

The weeping brunette shook her head, she rocked back and forth. It was lucid and brightly clear that what had happened was anything but a friendly act. It involved sex, obviously. The fear of losing her virginity in such a cheap, tacky way had somehow come alive, and the worst part, she does not remember any detail of it.

Emy responded with irritating silence. Tegan needed answers and details of the vague night that she, from the tone of her voice, clearly remembered. And so, Tegan allowed her face to be uncovered. Emy was seated beside her, also shamefully covering her naked upper half. "What happened last night?" Her voice was as hoarse a wounded man's. She wanted to rephrase the question, she knows what happened, but how? And when? All she could remember is dancing with Emy.

Dancing with Emy, she should have stopped it when the heat between her thighs grew heavier and exceeded the level of endurance. She should have stopped it when her lips brushed her friend's and when they joined their sweaty, sticky bodies together on the floor of the house she was in. She should have stopped it when she let out a moan that did not suggest but her flamed libido rushing out of her system. She should have stopped it when Emy took her hand and led her outside to the cold air. But she did not, and somehow, that's where she ended up, and that's how she ended up.

"Did we have sex...last night?" She asked another question, the more specific version of the first one.

Emy's ocean eyes looked at her own as if they were searching for something they have lost inside, something they couldn't find. "It was not exactly sex...kind of like, uh..." Emy couldn't find the proper word, her cheeks finished the sentence with a crimson shade of red blotching each side. Tegan continued crying. "It was kind of like, masturbation." Her sentence was as quiet as a scared student answering a question that he did not raise his hands to answer, but was simply picked out by the wicked teacher, just because he seemed not to pay attention.

The crying girl's eyes grew bigger. "You kind of uhh..." Emy was struggling with her words. She sighed once again, and looked down, anywhere but Tegan's intense stares. "Humped my thigh, in your underwear, and then you came, and uh...you passed out."

Her mouth wide open and her eyes were as if the balls were about to fall out of their holes. "What about you? Why didn't you stop me? Why did you let it happen? How could you let it happen? I wasn't aware." More tears left her orbs, more questions entered her head.

The flow of questions seemed to rise ire within her friend. She let her chest become exposed and hopped off her own bed, she stood as a statue with a clenched jaw and tight lips. She squeezed her own tears out. "You wanted it, you fucking wanted it to happen."

Tegan did not comprehend the sudden exaggeration, she wanted to avert her gaze away from her friend's half naked form, but the blue of her eyes was as icy as an iceberg. "Apparently you wanted it too, otherwise, you would have stopped me. You're so selfish, you took advantage of the fact I was screwed up and out of it for your own sick needs." She watched her friend shake her head and start her own game of tears. "You all do that, you just play with me to get what you want."

"Fuck you, Tegan, fuck you." Emy hollered. "You can't fucking say that when you were the one trying to forget your pain by sleeping with me. You can't fucking say that when you used me as the punching bag you let out your Sara shit on. You can't fucking say I'm selfish when you're the one taking advantage of my feelings for you to forget her." She had never seen her friend as angry, or as sad, or as teary-eyed. She had never heard her voice rise as much, her silence was usually the way she displayed her exasperation or grief. A volcano had erupted in the room, and Tegan did not know how to escape.

Laughing, bubbly Emy was now hitting and banging on the bed with clenched fists, her hair stained with her salty tears, and she was exposed in every way possible, a sight Tegan thought she'd only see in the films. "You can't fucking compare me to her." She paused between every word to hit the helpless mattress with her fists. "She fucking made you heartless, you were sweet, and you were beautiful. Now you're just heartless, selfish, ugly, and you disgust me."

Definitely harsh words to hear. She wanted to close her ears. She was not like that, she's nothing like that. But Emy was right, sober or not, deep down, Emy was the alcohol she used to be drunken on and live a state where Sara did not cross her mind. But she always knew sleeping with her friend would fuck their friendship to the degree of no saving that bond they had shared for almost two years. The last thing she needed was to go there, and somehow, she went there. Perhaps the blame was not on her, not on Emy, but on Sara. If Sara was not the emotional destruction she was, Tegan wouldn't have sought for such ways.

Everything inside her was trying to convince her that her errors were not to blame, it was Sara who dragged her to be this person she did not recognize, and it was Sara the reason she caused her friend the same torture she was caused by her professor, and it was Sara who spoke the words that came out of her mind, and it was Sara who was lying in that bed.

But a reality check was much needed at this point. It was only her, every part of destruction was her fault. She did not even hear Sara out when she threw the words she did not mean, she did not even see Sara after that. And maybe it was Sara's fault to make her feel so miserable, but it was not her fault that she made her best friend feel the same way.

"I know you can't love me, or have any sort of such feelings for me, but don't you fucking ever dare say that I wasn't there when she treated you as her fucking touching experience." Emy whispered, she is turned around, perhaps she now felt how exposed she was, emotionally and physically. "I don't know what kind of magic she performed on you, but you better pray it wears off soon, because it's unbearable to be around you anymore." More words that felt like a knife stabbing her eardrums. "I am going to Jeremy's, I can't stand being around you right now."

The cursed sunlight was much too bright for Emy's heavy tone and ruthless words. Tegan did not reply, she did not have to, she did not need to. Emy had made up her mind. And it seemed as if it was made up since the previous night. Because next to Emy's made up mind, stood an already small, packed bag, which Emy did not have time to pack while freeing her chagrin on self-absorbed Tegan.

And so Emily had left. That was the longest Sunday Tegan had ever had in Canada. Suddenly, the country was colder than ever, and suddenly, it did not feel like the place she had longed for while she spent time in her hometown. For the first time, she felt like a stranger. For the first time in two years, she needed her mother's soothing words, and her own room back there in California.

Jeremy did not call, he did not check on her, he did not try to fix the broken chain that connected her with her friend. She thought she deserved it. She thought about her actions and about her words. She wept even more during the day. She thought about how hard it is going to be in order to gain her friendship back. She thought about how much damage her foolish heart had caused in the past three days. She kicked Sara out of her life with a blow of wind, and then she caused Emy to leave by being the emotionless, detached person she had seen on Sara. She had lost two people that she dearly loved. Her motormouth and her impetuous actions were the cause.

**...**

Monday was not sunny. The sky's lantern had taken its shelter behind the grey bags of rain and snow. Being sunny in February was the rare thing, but being this cold, with snow dangling from up there, was just an ordinary winter day in Canada.

The wind roared and it smacked Tegan across her already aching, freezing cheekbones. She found difficulty in walking with such a heavy distressed body. She walked slowly, not having anywhere to go, and nothing waited for her in such an hour of this day, well not anymore at least. She paced the streets inside the campus, in hopes she will take as much time to reach her dorm. And perhaps there would be a surprise waiting for her, her roommate would be seated on her bed, ready to open up a new page. But Tegan knew better, her roommate would be in the class she had not attended today, she would be in the class of Sara.

She had not dropped the subject yet. Each time she would think about doing it, her mind would find its way back to the day she had blew up on her professor, which was the cause of her walking the streets alone in such a temperature.

She had managed to spend the previous day in grieving, and she had managed to wake up in the morning and attend her classes, except the last one for sure. When she had a break, which she usually met with her friends at, she went to the library and worked on a homework instead. Nobody had called, and nobody had checked on her. Not even Lindsey, and this caused her heart to sting even more.

She did well in hiding her tears, she sipped her bitter coffee and smoked a couple of cigarettes. She avoided her usual morning music, because it would make her emotional to listen to heartbreaking lyrics about missed opportunities and being taken for granted by a lover. She did not want to shed a tear in the presences of her classmates or professors.

And a couple of people did ask her why her eyes were swollen, and why one is slightly smaller than the other. She did not know how to explain why she had a droopy lid in her left eye, she blamed it on the lack of sleep. They let her be and she thanked the Lord that she was alone once again, just contemplating.

She cursed her university for being massive, she cursed the snowy road for making even her covered feet ache from the white frozen water that covered the ground, and she cursed herself for wearing such light clothes that caused her nose to become red, and her bones to become stiff. She sneezed every now and then, her nose ran and her tissues were running out. Only a few steps left and she would reach her dorm, perhaps hide beneath her blanket, and if Emy was not there, she would let out the bottled tears she had locked inside her system since morning.

While walking, a car was making her frustrated, a car driving behind her. She knew only professors or people who worked at the university were able to drive inside the campus' streets, and the fact that someone who had such a right, was driving behind her in a stalkerish manner for the past three minutes, angered her. She figured they were having a trouble with the road as well, but the street was empty, and all the snow was on the sidewalk. She wanted to look behind and see if it's some douche of a student with high connections had managed to get a car inside and tease her while she was walking to her dorm. But she did not want to give anybody the attention they needed.

And so she paused, perhaps the car would drive past her and let her be alone, by herself, just strolling and thinking. Tegan isn't very much into cars, and she barely told the difference from one another, but when the black Audi, that to Tegan, looked quite fancy, drove past her, she was sure her guess had been right, it was definitely one of the douchebags who thought they could get a girl with what they're driving.

Except, Tegan was very mistaken. The car had stopped, and the front window rolled down. Tegan was still standing, and so the driver had chosen to reverse the car until the familiar face was seen clearly in Tegan's eyes. She had formed a gasp. A little one. "Tegan," Said the woman with a firm voice. "get in the car." She ordered, her tone shifting to a pleading, desperate plea.

Tegan's body and face were frozen, she needed a minute to consume what she was witnessing, the last thing she imagined was for Sara to appear out of nowhere. She did not reply, she only stared with big eyes. "Tegan," Sara said once again. "get in the car." She repeated. "I won't hurt you, I promise."

She had heard that before, many times, James, Jenn, her friends, they all have said that. She chuckled and shook her head. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna tell anybody. I'm not gonna tell the dean, I won't file a complaint or some shit, you won't get kicked out or get in trouble or something." She rolled her eyes and proceeded walking.

She was shivering, the hail and Sara's face made it worse for her to bear such cold, and suddenly her few steps to the dorm felt long and the building seemed far. Sara drove to her once again. "No, Tegan listen to me. We need to talk. Please, Tegan. Let me talk to you." She had never heard such a desperate cry coming out of Sara. Her voice was so sweet. As sweet it was at times when she flirted with her.

She did not want to be fooled. She did not want to hear Sara reject her, or tell her it was a misunderstanding, she did not see right, Sara was just being herself and she did not mean to make her fall. "I know what you're going to say."

"If you did, you'd be in the car right now."

"You're going to say that it was a misunderstanding, that you didn't mean to make me have feelings for you, and that it's just how you are. You're going to say that I am young, I will find somebody, and fall in love with them." Her own words were her severe betrayal of the day. Her own words managed to make her voice shake and tremble and her tears, like usual, fall against her will.

"No, no." Sara paused. "That's not what I want to say."

Tegan found herself facing the tall building of her dorm. Sara was still in her car, her window still rolled down, her nose, as red as Tegan's, but her eyes were not even slightly as puffy as her student's. "What are you doing here? You have a class to give."

Sara sighed, her dull honey eyes were concentrated on Tegan's. "I don't feel...I don't feel like giving a class. I am just like you, I can't go to school when I feel down, even if I am the one giving the class."

Tegan nodded. Her heart was beating fast against her chest. "How did you know I would be walking here?"

"I looked at your schedule." Sara hesitated. Tegan raised both eyebrows with hands on her hips. "I waited for you to leave the class you had before and I saw you walking. I took the car because I can't deal well with the cold, my immune system is very weak. I am probably going to be sick tomorrow."

She had often labeled herself as a creep, but what Sara had done showed that she too fit in that label. But maybe they both were not, she thought. They both needed to do what they did, even though she did not know why Sara had chased her. "You weren't in the bar on Saturday."

Tegan shook her head. Memories of the damned night returned to her head. She felt a pinch at her chest when she remembered her friend Emy, who could be in their room, could be looking through the window, or could be with Jeremy after she left the class that Sara did not attend. Or she could be walking to them at any moment. "I couldn't sleep knowing what I have caused you. I was too afraid to contact you via email. I wanted to speak to you, alone."

"We are alone." Tegan looked to her sides, just to make sure. Left, then right, and to the front. They were alone. "Say what you want to say."

Sara shook her head. "No." She objected. "Get in the car. I won't harm you. I won't..." She paused. "I won't touch you." Perhaps her cheeks were already red from the cold, but Tegan could swear she saw the flaming shame Sara was carrying in her small voice and pleading looks.

Tegan was shivering and it was quite apparent, she faked an exasperated sigh, and finally hopped inside the car, besides Sara. It was a nice car. If she was a great driver and lived with her parents, they would purchase something similar to this one. It was rather warm in there, she sighed with content when her body finally relaxed and her bones eased. She was not angry anymore, perhaps a little, but she was thankful that Sara had actually chased her and insisted they speak. Nonetheless, she was a bit uneasy and anxious about what might come out of Sara's mouth.

"Where would you like to go?" Sara asked with a wide grin. It was shocking that it was not her usual smug smirk when she had won the fight, the battle, or achieved what she aimed for. It was a wide grin that made her face be painted with lost child youth.

Tegan furrowed her brows, she was not sure where Sara was going with this. "Would you like to go to a restaurant? Or just grab coffee?" Tegan swallowed hard. She was, with all honesty, confused. "Or maybe, if that's okay with you, we could go to my apartment." Sara bit her lower lip in anticipation. She looked as a teenager, for the first time. "I can cook, people like my food, I want you to try it."

Tegan chuckled at Sara's proud confidence. Now that was the Sara she was familiar with, not that she would mind spending more time with the sweet, shy, youthful one, but that Sara, indeed, was a turn on. "I'm not sure." Was the only answer Tegan gave.

Sara nodded and bit her lip even more. Tegan studied the flesh being bitten with such force that if she let it go, she might see drops of blood. She wondered if Sara was biting back tears, just thinking, or she was nervous. She decided to go with the middle option. "I seem like a creepy stalker. Like a kidnapper or something, don't I?"

Tegan did not answer, she did not shake, nor nod her head. "I am sorry." Sara apologized. Her voice was very tender and her apology sounded honest. "I have approached you in a way that I shouldn't have. I am ashamed of myself. I didn't know I'd appear vulgar and cause you to feel as uncomfortable." She sighed.

Sara kept driving, but she seemed quite distracted. Tegan did not look at her, she looked straight ahead. "I don't know what have gotten into me. Each time I wish to confront you with my feelings, I chicken out. I was always afraid."

Hearing that sentence caused Tegan's eyes to widen, it caused her head to turn to the left to face Sara. Her heart fluttered and it drummed, her stomach knotted, it was a dream. She wanted to wake up. Or something bad was going to happen if what Sara was saying is real. Definitely something was going to happen. A terrible thing.

"Afraid of what?" She asked.

Sara turned her head for just a second then looked at the road once again. "My position, Tegan. My job. It's the only thing I have. If I lost it, I would have nothing. I lost everything in my life just to be where I am now. To live independently and as freely as I wish. If I lost it, I would be nothing, I would own nothing, I would have nothing."

That's what Tegan have not thought about. Sara could lose her job if it was proved that she had an affair with her student. And Sara seemed reckless in such matter, she had always faced rumours surfing about her flirting with students. "I had to make sure you felt the same way about me. I couldn't just jump and ask you out, not with such age difference anyway. I am thirty-three, and you're not only nineteen, but also my student. I was taking such a risk and I was praying each night not to lose anything. I thought maybe with summer break I would find somebody, you know. That what I felt towards you is just a slight attraction, and honestly, I did become busy that I was not thinking of dating at all. But then, you came to my office, and everything I have felt once came flowing inside my body."

Tegan took a long breath, it was mixed with a sigh of relief. She released a chuckle and then she grinned, mostly to herself. But Sara had caught it. She did not know what to say. She wanted to say a lot, to ask a lot, they needed to speak about many things. And she was too nervous, and perhaps too excited to do so.

She did not want to blink, in fear the blessing she's in would drift away. "Wow." She mumbled. "It's like I'm dreaming or something."

Sara giggled, in a very feminine voice. It made Tegan want to hear it again and again. "You are not. I hope we are not." She said.

"Are we going to the bar at like three in the afternoon?" She looked around her. It was the same street she visited each weekend. Even though it was still afternoon, the atmosphere was dark, and it felt lonely and lazy. Barely anybody strolling the streets, the snow was thickening. And if Tegan was alone in her dorm room, she would be sleeping away the depression such a weather caused her.

"My apartment is in the next street." Sara announced, she seemed scared, a bit hesitant and nervous. Her hands were holding the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles turned white. "I just assumed it would spare us the trouble of being caught by somebody at uni. But I can drive to a different area and we'd pick some place to eat. Anything you want."

Sara's words were rather fast and her lisp was very notable to the ears, she was definitely nervous. "No, it's fine by me." Tegan gave an assured smile to Sara's twitching one. "I wouldn't want to cause you any issues, not at all"

A street full of buildings where Sara parked, a genuine smile on her face. Tegan looked to her right side to a building which she assumed it's Sara's. The outside seemed ordinary and nothing too fancy, but something neat. She wondered how the inside would look. "I promise you," Sara said. "I won't touch you, or lay a hand on you against your will. I apologize for what I have done. I am really sorry. If you don't trust me enough,"

But Sara was cut off before she finished her condition, "Doctor, it's fine. I'm okay with this, really."

Sara smiled. "Can you not call me that? Call me by name, please." She ordered and Tegan nodded.

Sara can be an elegant woman at times, and a handsome gentleman at others. Actions such as getting out of the car and opening the door for Tegan made the younger woman's heart swell with emotions she had never experienced. It's what she always hoped for. Somebody to share the feelings she had for them, and it was real, she hoped it is.

Sara's femininity appeared in her small apartment, however. The living room was quite large and her American styled kitchen was connected to it instead of being secluded in a different room. Everything was neat, everything was tidied up in ways she could never manage.

Modern furniture, two tremendous bookshelves filled with books, a flat screen television, and one closed door which she assumed to be Sara's bedroom. Sara's apartment was very small, and now Tegan was sure that Sara lives alone, with no child and no lover, all alone.

Sara seemed as a person who was financially stable, her clothes, the car she was driving, and the simple accessories in her living room showed so, maybe she did not need something big and so she settled for something small, cozy, and simple. Unlike Tegan's parent's mansion. Many gardens, a fountain, many rooms, many bathrooms, a great dining room with a large chandelier. Sara did have a simple modern chandelier that caught Tegan's eyes when the older woman switched on the light. She also had a round dinning table with four chairs surrounding it.

Tegan took a seat on the grey sofa when Sara excused herself to her room. It was very awkward, their interaction at first. Tegan did not even think Sara would be the shy kind, the embarrassed kind, not in a million years.

Sara was taking too long and Tegan was slowly becoming overwhelmed with the fact she's in her lover's home. Being overwhelmed with something always drove to one thing, one thing she did not want to do, but the more she thought about it, the more her stomach flipped with nerves. She did not want to empty the contents of her stomach.

Sara left the room with different clothes. She did not look as formal as she was. She was in a slightly baggy jeans, and a stripped white and navy shirt. "I am sorry. I don't like to stay in my work's attire all day. I love to relax after teaching, which I have done none today. But I just really needed to be in more comfortable clothes."

Sara was rambling by now. Tegan only nodded, unable to utter a word. She needed to use the bathroom, if she didn't, she would hurl on Sara's floor, and that was not the impression she wanted to leave. "Your face, it seems quite yellow and palish." Sara knotted her eyebrows. "Are you alright?"

Tegan shook her head. "I'm gonna," Sara seemed to get it as soon as Tegan tried to speak.

"Bathroom, quickly, it's inside my room. Quick." Sara's tone rose and it sounded like a concerned mother's one. She slipped her hand in Tegan's and quickly ushered her to her own bathroom. Tegan leaned in front of the toilet and attempted to vomit, but the lack of food in her system made it harder for her to free what's not there. She groaned and clutched her aching stomach. It was not a sight to see, or voices to hear. Her insides betrayed her, very much. Her nerves did. Sara had her hair pulled to the back. It reminded her when Emy used to do it, except Sara's touch was so soft that she barely felt it.

"Tegan, have you got any food in your system to throw it up, dear?" Tegan's groan was the answer. Sara was motherly to her, and she was not sure how to feel about it. She thought about the age difference, if she and Sara dated, it would cause some issues, maybe. But Tegan did not care, she would avoid them. All of them. "It's most probably why you're feeling sick. I will prepare something, why don't you lay in my bed and rest? Or do you want to watch TV? What do you want to do?"

"Can I use the bathroom?" Tegan asked, she wanted a bit of time alone, to think, wash her face, look at her reflection in the mirror and try to calm herself down.

Sara helped her stand up. "Sure, I'll be in the kitchen. Do you like Mac and Cheese? I think It's all I have, I need to go grocery shopping soon."

"Ya, anything's fine with me." She nodded with a smile, her face must look like crap. And she was right, when Sara left her to be alone in the bathroom, she looked at the mirror, it did look like crap. She washed her face, wetting her hair on the way. She took the toothpaste that caught her eyes and squeezed a bit on her index finger, she rubbed her teeth with her index. Just something to have a better breath.

She did not want to stay long in Sara's bathroom, she repeated washing her face many times, thinking the little act would send colour back to it, but nothing had helped, and eventually she gave up and left the bathroom.

She looked around at Sara's bedroom. As neat as the rest of the house. The walls were cream coloured, few abstract paintings hanged on them, and the comforter on her king size bed was peach coloured. The room was so cozy that if Tegan laid down on the bed, she would drift off to sleep right away. But she did not want to do that, she's not the toddler Sara was babysitting, she was an adult, and she wanted to spend time with Sara, and perhaps speak more, or just sit in silence, she wouldn't mind.

And so, she left Sara's room to find her facing the stove as the water boiled in a pot. Tegan took a seat on one of the black stools facing the marble kitchen counter that separated the kitchen from the living room. And Sara felt her presence. She turned around with a smile. "Feeling better?" A wooden spoon in her hand.

Tegan smiled back and nodded, "It's kinda hot in your place." She commented.

Sara giggled, once again, her sweet giggle. "Yes, I have a central heating system. Just take off your jacket." Tegan looked at her arms covered with her leather jacket, she forgot she was wearing it in the first place. It was very cold outside and she needed more, but now she needed less, and so she slipped the material off her arms and stayed in her enormously baggy white button down. It was embarrassing how large it looked, it's as if she had burrowed it from her father. But She actually bought it four sizes bigger, because she simply felt comfortable in it. Sara took a hold of her jacket and hanged it inside a small wooden closet near the door, which Tegan assumed had Sara's coats in it.

Sara returned to her place and stirred what's inside the pot. "I want you to be very comfortable here. I might come off a bit uptight, but trust me, you might see me walking naked inside this place at any moment, and you shouldn't feel awkward, that's just how I roll." Tegan's eyes widened, Sara chortled. "Don't worry, I won't do that. I don't want to scare you off, already did it once. Not again." Tegan snorted and cursed herself and that habit, but Sara did not seem to care. "What I mean is, just be your usual self. You seem a bit tense. Curse, speak loudly, argue with me."

Tegan did nod her head, once again, with no words. And Sara remained silent while preparing dinner. She would glance at her student each and every minute with a weak smile on her lips. Tegan would smile back, and they would continue being with each other in comforting taciturnity.

Even during devouring their meal, no sound was made but the crackling of the forks against the porcelain dishes. Sara offered Tegan her favourite brand of red wine, but Tegan refused and settled for a Coke. After the amount of drinking she had to deal with on the weekend, after how much of trouble it brought her being under the effect of alcohol, she preferred to stay sober, not even take a chance in having a glass or two. She did not want to cause more injuries with her actions or her words.

"I like your cooking." Tegan finally decided to say. Her cheeks were intensely red. She thought about what she wanted to say in order to break the silence and unconsciously, she complimented Sara, which she wanted to do in a better way. Her nerves were a barrier causing her tongue to be the rudder steering her words out before they were thought properly.

Sara threw a chuckle. "You better do." She smirked with pride. "Do you know how to cook?"

Tegan shook her head. "Nope." She watched Sara admiring her with gleaming orbs. "I can like boil an egg, maybe, I'm not sure." At that, Sara threw her head back with a giggle. Tegan beamed, her gums showing and her teeth hidden beneath her lower lip.

"How do you even eat? Does anybody cook for you?" Sara asked curiously.

The younger brunette shrugged. "My roommate and I basically live on takeouts"

Sara took a sip from her glass and shook her head, her lips were pursed together. "That's not healthy at all, no wonder you often look dizzy and pale."

Tegan did not respond, but she wanted to. She did not want to seem rude, however. Sara often seemed sick or pale to her as well, but perhaps that's how Sara was. Some days she would be glowing, the others, especially in the previous year, she would seem defeated and devilishly tired. "Wouldn't your roommate be worried about you?" Sara raised an eyebrow. Tegan squinted her eyes, and Sara proceeded to explain. "It's almost seven. Wouldn't Emily be worried that you didn't return to the dorm? She seems..." Sara paused, she traced the material of her wine glass. "kind of, I don't know, clingy?" The last word was in a hushed tone and came out as a question.

Tegan rolled her eyes, at Emy, not at Sara, never at Sara. "Trust me, she wouldn't." Tegan sighed. Sara was trying to hide her egocentric smirk but Tegan was able to see it, especially with that raised brow of her. "We kind of got into a huge argument and we're not speaking to each other."

"What happened?" Sara hurried to ask. She was wicked. She did not even try to hide her relished grin, and somehow Tegan loved it.

Tegan was not sure what to say. That she rode her thigh, half naked, had an orgasm, all while under the effect of alcohol. Woke up the next morning, not remembering a thing, blaming her friend for being selfish, her friend erupting like a volcano on her, and then leaving her. No, that's not going to be exposed to Sara. Tegan was way too shy to reveal such details out loud. "I don't wanna talk about it." She mumbled with a flushed face.

Sara snickered. She saw through her embarrassment, and she understood. "It's fine. You don't have to." She looked at her empty plate and then averted her gaze back to Tegan's once again. "I've always been so jealous of her." Sara admitted. "It infuriated me to see her as close to you, knowing that I couldn't be." She chuckled. "I despise the fact that I am the jealous type. But I can't help it." She sighed. "If I want something, I become obsessive."

It's as if Sara was describing how Tegan felt about her. She was jealous of every student that Sara spoke to, of every invisible person in her life. She was jealous of the fact that she might have a kid, she was jealous of an unborn child. And she became jealous when Sara spoke about her past girlfriend. "I get jealous, and I am very obsessive too." They both smiled at each other this time. The walls slowly crashing down. "I became jealous of Katina when you mentioned her."

Sara chortled. "Katina?" Her laughter increasing. "Oh please," She rolled her sweet eyes. "I don't even know if she's alive anymore. Hopefully she choked on her husband's dick and died."

Tegan was taken aback with the sudden bitterness of her professor's tone. She blushed a deep red with the choice of words. She had never heard Sara utter such words or such sentences. It made Sara more humane and she had never thought to see that coming. "She was a bitch?" Tegan asked, wanting a full coverage of the story.

Sara bit her lip for a second, tapping her finger on the wooden round table. "Not exactly." She said. "We were both young and we were both bitches if I'm being honest. But she cheated on me with a man, and decided that she's straight afterwards. She got married to him, and well, I lived my life sleeping with whoever I wanted until I was in a relationship once again."

Sara was being honest, perhaps a bit too honest to Tegan's self-conscious mind. Tegan surely did not think that Sara was poorly experienced in sexual interactions, but hearing Sara admit that she had had affairs with a number of people made her stomach churn. She did not want Sara to think she was a virgin. She was not sure if she was anymore. But according to Emy, it was more of a clitoral stimulation rather than performing the act of sex with somebody else.

"Well, that means she's a bitch." Tegan decided to answer. Sara agreed with a nod.

Tegan was not aware of the time. She helped Sara with cleaning the dishes, and chatted with her a bit about the subject. Sara asked if she had dropped it. "Not yet." Tegan answered, avoiding eye contact with her professor.

"Well don't." Sara ordered. "I don't want you to." She continued. "I'm trying to fix this, slowly." Tegan nodded. The realization just hit her that she was at Sara's apartment, that it's late and it was cold outside. She needs to return to her dorm. But she couldn't simply walk. "You'll keep it right?"

Tegan looked outside the French window in the living room. A balcony would meet her outside if she opened it. She couldn't see a thing due to the darkness. "Ya, I guess." She said quickly. "I need to get back, it's late." She said again.

Sara walked to the window, she stared outside for few seconds and then turned around to face Tegan who was seated on the couch. "Is it okay if you'd stay here?" She bit her lower lip again, something she did when she was unsure, Tegan thought. "You've already been sneezing for the past two hours, and it appears that you are getting sick. I don't think such a weather is good for you."

Tegan was getting sick, she felt her throat becoming sore. Sara suggested a flu pill to her after she coughed, sneezed, and her voice became slightly hoarse. She swallowed it and kept her distance from Sara, not wanting to infect her in case her slight cold might transfer to other people. "But," Tegan hesitated. "it's fine by you?" She asked and Sara nodded. "Wouldn't I be a bother?"

Sara shook her head. "Not at all." She smiled warmly. "I crave to have someone to spend my lonely days with." She was being honest once again. Tegan needed to get used to it. "You could take my room, and I'll sleep on the couch." Before Tegan could object, Sara continued, "I fall asleep on my couch all the time. Either reading a book or watching a movie." She assured the younger woman. "Come on, I'll give you pajamas or something, we're kind of the same size."

Tegan followed the older woman to her room. She stood by the door, only took few steps inside. Sara walked to her closet, looking through it. She looked at Tegan's standing form and then returned her gaze back at the closet. "I assume you like baggy clothing?" Sara asked.

"Ya, I feel more comfortable in them."

She took black sweatpants and a white V neck from her closet. "Is this okay with you?" She handed them to Tegan who nodded. "Most of my nightwear are skimpy, lace and silk pajamas, I don't think you will be comfortable enough in them"

Tegan couldn't stop her imagination from wandering off to picture Sara in less clothing, she imagined her in lingerie. The heat that traveled to her face and took over her body reminded her that it was not the proper time to have such thoughts while standing next to the person she was thinking of. "These are fine. Thank you." She smiled.

Sara released a sigh. "Alright, you can change in the bathroom and I'll change in here. Is that okay with you?" Tegan nodded. She mentally cursed herself for being as awkward as she was around Sara. It's as if tables were turned and she was the cold one with the frosty stare instead of Sara, who was all talkative, warm, and syrupy sweet.

The sweatpants were somewhat tight, they accentuated her hips and brought her bum to attention. The V neck was good, it was not tight, but it was not loose either. The only problem it had was the generous amount of cleavage it displayed. Tegan raised it up a bit, but there was no point.

She decided not give a fuck and left the bathroom. She was met by Sara who was in the act of buttoning her pajama shirt. This one was not skimpy or filled with lace as Sara had said. It was long-sleeved, white, and silky. She caught a glimpse of Sara's nude-coloured bra before she buttoned the last and upper button. She changed the direction of her focus immediately, not wanting to be caught staring by Sara.

Sara smiled at her, looking only at her face. Tegan could see she was being careful, way too careful. "I have to wake up early tomorrow. Damn 8 AM classes. I think you don't have any tomorrow, right?" Tegan shook her head. Sara had taken a look at her schedule, and maybe if it was another person, they would think it is strange to do so, but Tegan loved it. She loved that she and Sara shared such stalkerish ways. She was not ashamed anymore. "That's good. I will go to sleep now, and you can use my laptop if you want to spend time on the internet, or maybe read a book, you can look through my bookshelf."

Tegan's eyes traveled to the other bookshelf which was a bit smaller, but also filled with many books with colourful covers inside Sara's room. There was a desk and a chair, on the desk, Sara's laptop rested and her familiar notebook too, which once arose curiosity in Tegan's head to find what's inside of it. She shook the thoughts away, looking at Sara once again. "No, I will sleep too. Thank you."

Sara let out a small chuckle. "Girl, stop being so formal with me, or I will have to spank you." The choice of words made Tegan giggle, her voice was loud and not as sweet as Sara's, she hated it when she giggled. "Can I maybe get a goodnight hug?" Sara almost sang, her grin wide and lovely.

Tegan stepped closer, her shyness visible in the room. Sara too, her ears were cherry red, and her lips were puffy from over biting. Tegan subconsciously licked her own at the sight. Sara's eyes traveled down, and she almost thought the good night hug they were about to share would turn into a good night kiss.

But it did not. Sara held Tegan tightly, but gently, her arms rubbing Tegan's back, soothingly, not sensually. Tegan relaxed to her touch, and if she could spend more minutes like that, she would definitely doze off. "I really, really like you. And sometimes it scares me. But I do so, and it sends jolts to my heart whenever you are present. I feel like a teenager when I am around you. I feel alive, and I feel young and hopeful again." The whisper of Sara's voice, the serene beauty of her words, they were causing Tegan's insides to erupt with butterflies, her skin cold with goosebumps and her heart shuddering. "I am glad you are giving me a chance. I am glad you like me too. You do, right?"

She couldn't help but look into Sara's eyes, so close to her, very transparent and mirror-like, they sparkled and the fear they caused her was the very best thing she desired to look at . She loved the frightening sharpness of the hazel irises, she adored the dreadful darkness in the black pupils, she treasured the peaceful tranquility when tears collected at her lids and when her orbs changed in colour according to the state of the sun, or the amount of eye make up she had on.

"If I didn't like you, I wouldn't be here, now would I?" It was that pitch she often did not recognize. It came when she was aroused, crying, had just waken up, and when her heart overflowed with emotions.

"I just wanted to make sure." Sara smiled, and so did Tegan. She craved a kiss, but it seemed that it was not in Sara's plans to connect their lips together. She did not want to push it. She appreciated the slow pace they were going at. She appreciated every second around Sara.

But Sara pecked her on the cheek. It was a ghost brush of her lips, and it made Tegan's stomach dance and twist. Her smile grew even bigger. Sara's lips were warm against her cold cheek. Sara whispered good night in her ear and simply left the room.

She could ask Sara to sleep beside her on the bed, but she thought that Sara might not be comfortable to do so just now. She did not even know which side was Sara's. Nothing indicated that she chose the right or the left side. She hesitated, but chose the right side. Unlike the previous two nights, Tegan did not take long to fall asleep. She did not think too much, she was extremely tired, very exhausted, as soon as she rested her head on the pillow, her eyes grew heavy, and her mind flew to a peaceful, quiet slumber.

**...**

**May 3rd, 2043**

_But to see her was to love her;_

_Love but her, and love forever._

_Had we never lov'd sae kindly,_

_Had we never lov'd sae blindly,_

_Never met-or never parted-_

_We had ne'er been broken hearted._

I know you are wondering, if I was a lesbian, why did I marry a man? I told you before why I married him. I wouldn't lie and say I wasn't attracted, because I was, and I did enjoy our first days together. And I wanted to make children with him, I thought perhaps they'll have his cousin's eyes, his cousin's personality, his cousin's beauty, his cousin's ambition and strong will. And I suppose they do have some of their father's and his cousin's traits, physical and personality wise.

Am I happy that I met Sara? Of course I am. I don't know what my life would look like if I haven't met her, and honestly, I do not care, because in meeting her there was a reason, and it is to love her, but then a force stopped and parted us, and perhaps there is a reason for that as well, one I have yet to find out. But I do wonder how my life would look like if we hadn't gotten together, if she did not chase after me, and if I didn't spend that night at her apartment. Even though nothing had happened, still that night was when everything had changed, that night when Sara officially became mine, and that night was the night things changed from a foggy crush to a reality of a scared professor and her naive student, sharing a frosty tale of love behind closed doors and silent walls.


	17. Bad Habits

**Chapter 17: Bad Habits.**

**May 3rd, 2043**

My favourite part about being with Sara was the discourse we have shared. Hearing Sara speak was the loveliest melody to my ears. Her tone of voice, it is quite sweet. If you hear it you would know. Often, when people lisp, others would cringe, find it disturbing. But when Sara did so, it was sweet, and very beautiful to watch the way her teeth would move behind her lips, the way her tongue would roll, you know a lisp would be coming, and when it comes, you smile. It made me smile. I'm not saying that just because I adore her, everybody admired that flaw in her. You would think a woman as wise and clever would speak with a sharp tongue, her harsh words would slit a part of your skin, but that lisp almost added the sugar to the bitter and pungent words she'd throw.

**...**

**February, 2014**

She cursed under her breath, not yet sure if her eyes were drawing pictures in front of her, or she was actually awake. Perhaps she was still in that state of being half a sleep, where a hint of a dream could pull your head inside the peaceful tranquility, but soon after, you would jump back to being awake. The state would repeat itself a few times before your mind would fully shut down and your body would surrender to the numbness of sleep.

Such situations brought her back to her teenage days. The times when she would ignore the grating sound of her alarm and continue her sleep, her father would barge into her room and open the curtains. He would call her name with a chuckle leaving his throat. She would groan and motion for him to leave. Usually, when she did not wake up, he would pull the blanket off her curled body. Her eyes would snap open with irritation. Her father would laugh and order her to get up, or else she would be late for school. She would eventually abandon the comfort of her bed and head towards the bathroom.

She thought about who could be as inconsiderate to allow sunlight to pass through the window. She wondered why sunlight only appeared when she desired to stick to her sleep. Not too long until realization had hit her. She was not at her parents' home, nor at her dorm. The bed she's lying on was her professor's. The window on the right side of the room was Sara's, and the beige coloured curtains on each side were Sara's. She caused them to spread apart and allow the room to be lit by the half hidden sun beneath an enormous grey cloud. It was not raining anymore, but the silent sky indicated that it would soon.

Before Tegan could finish her thoughts, she saw through the slits of her barely opened eyes a walking figure. It was Sara pacing in front of her silently. A carmine hue traveled to her face, causing her body to grow stiff and her tongue to become tight. She did not want to interrupt the beauty of Sara's full, milky thighs being on display, therefore, she did not make a scene, she pretended to be still asleep, not even ashamed, not feeling like a creep. She watched Sara the best she could while trying not to be acknowledged by her half naked professor.

Sara was barefoot, trousers-naked, hair ruffled and sticking out to every side. Sleepy eyes, and a silent yawn, Sara looked through her closet. Tegan's eyes were glued to her plump ass. Her flimsy lace underwear failing to leave anything for imagination. Tegan prayed not to get caught, she also feared that if Sara faced her, she might gasp if she took a look at her front and was able to see more of Sara through her underwear. She would rather be caught dead than caught staring like a peeping tom.

She closed her eyes once again, suddenly feeling ashamed, needing to give Sara her own privacy. She shifted and turned to the side. She could feel the older woman's eyes were now on her. Only a second later she heard the bathroom's door close gently. She waited a bit until she opened her eyes.

The room was just as it is, except Sara's pajamas were on the edge of the bed. The image of Sara carelessly taking off her clothes while Tegan was asleep triggered few uncomfortable, exciting thoughts to her system. These thoughts battled inside her mind. Images of her hand cupping the cheeks of Sara's ass, images of their bodies tangled together on that bed she's lying on, images of Sara's nude form standing the way she stands in class, with full confidence and not a bit of shyness. These images caused a jolt to crawl down her body, sending her brain the false orders that Tegan was not ready for. She wanted to stop her mind from running too quickly, the only result was her stomach clenching and twisting in knots, her lower abdomen filled with a warm sensation, but the worst part was the very familiar feeling racing within her body for its release.

She couldn't hold it as much as she tried to calm herself down, she wouldn't be able to stop it, because once again, it was happening against her will. She cupped her mouth and with extreme hurry, she bolted to the bathroom. Her luck was great, the door was unlocked, Sara was not seated on the toilet, or anywhere in the space that she needed to use. She emptied every bit of food she had consumed the previous night inside the toilet. Getting up with much speed caused her head to spin and she was on the verge of passing out. Her body and her belly ached, her throat did too, and with every attempt of vomit, she would release a cry as she felt her insides were about to be pulled out of her mouth. She gasped for air, not caring about Sara's own surprised gasp, unable to make Sara's words.

She heard the water of the shower stop from behind the glass door as it was opened. Sara shrieked, "Jesus Christ, Tegan." Tegan's tears ran out of her eyes due to embarrassment. She had the worst habits and this one brought the most disgrace to her. "It's okay, let it out, let it all out." She heard Sara say once again.

Not sure what's the cause to her sudden comfort and stability, her nervous panic attack slowed down, even though Sara's wet hand was on the back of the shirt she's wearing, dampening it with her soothing, warm rubs. Her other hand held Tegan's greasy locks. She took a breath, making sure that her body released its strained excitement before flushing the toilet. "I'm so sorry." She whispered with difficulty. "I didn't mean to walk in on you like that."

"What's happening to you? Is it a food poisoning?" Sara did not care enough about her interrupted shower to respond. Tegan turned around. Sara, thankfully, was not naked, as much as Tegan wanted her to be, but mentally, she was not ready. She wiped her tears as she took a quick glance to the very short towel wrapped around her professor's body. Sara released a chuckle. "Come on, I have a new toothbrush, just brush your teeth and wash your face."

The younger woman wiped her tears with the back of her hand. Sara gave her a toothbrush with toothpaste splattered on it. She brushed her teeth and washed her face. Her sleepy hooded pupils taking quick glances to Sara's standing form. If she could measure the level of awkwardness inside the small bathroom, her thermometer would rise till the point of breaking.

On the other hand, Sara seemed to enjoy watching Tegan in her natural state. Something felt domestic in her half smile. The way she caressed the skin beneath her prominent collar bones with the tips of her index and middle finger caused Tegan to stare unconsciously. When their eyes met, Tegan sent her a smile too. She couldn't resist not to. "Come on, let's get you back to bed." Sara declared as Tegan coughed achingly, her throat stung.

Tegan was not the only one who was sick, Sara's voice was raspier, and her nose looked red. Though, no signs of discomfort or fatigue appeared on her face. Beneath her fully awakened eyes, unlike Tegan, looked healthy and not bloodshot, nor filled with dark spots. "Tegan, why do you puke too much? Are you sick? Besides the fever and the flu?" Sara asked with curiosity. Her hand behind Tegan's back once again, they both paced to the bed.

Tegan released a sigh. A sigh at her nervous habits. A sigh at Sara's exposed skin inches from her. A sigh at her disheveled state. A sigh at the irritatingly inappropriate throbbing her clit was aching with. A sigh at the thin material she had thrown on the ground the night before, right beneath Sara's feet. Wondering, if she crossed her arms against her chest, Sara might notice her lack of undergarment or not. Or perhaps she had already noticed but was a great actress in pretending she did not. "No." Tegan started. "I get nervous, and when I do, I throw up. It's a bad habit. It was way worse, I'm trying to control it, but ya." She shrugged.

Sara furrowed her eyebrows. "Why are you nervous? Do I make you nervous?" Her wicked, proud smirk replacing the previous confused expression, which brought Tegan to giggle.

Tegan shook her head. Lies, she thought. "I just woke up and found myself somewhere else. Ya, it's stupid. I kinda panicked."

"Don't say it's stupid." Sara tilted her head. "What you feel is not stupid." Tegan nodded, she swallowed hard. Sara's tone was rather gentle and affectionate. "It's my fault, though. I caused you to wake up by opening the curtains. I'm sorry, I couldn't see well, I needed to get my clothes because I have a class." Sara stood up once again.

"No, I'm sorry. I'm an intruder, making your place smell like puke." Sara giggled quite loudly. Tegan grinned.

"I am bored of how clean it smells. It's lifeless. You brought life to it." She admitted. Tegan and herself exchanged eye contact for a mere second. Just staring at each other. It felt nice and it made Tegan shiver. But then Sara bent down and picked her student's black bra off the floor. "You shouldn't throw this on the ground if you're going to wear it on your skin. That's not sanitary."

Tegan's cheeks blotched with scarlet red. Her professor handed her the material which made her feel self-conscious once again. Her eyes roamed over the cups, and she wondered if Sara was bothered by how big they were. She wondered what her type of women was. If she liked them dominant or not. If she preferred to wear the pants in the relationship or her partner did. Sara is bisexual, but she did not seem submissive in any anyway. Her style reflected both masculinity and femininity. Her words were never repeated twice, and her mind if it was made up, she wouldn't second guess nor change it. "Uh," Tegan stuttered. "sorry, I can't sleep with it. Sorry."

"For the love of God, just stop apologizing. Stop being awkward around me." Sara huffed jokingly with faked irritation. "It's normal, Tegan. Why be so awkward about it? You're still considering me as a stranger while I'm basically naked in front of you. I want us to get used to each other. I want you to be yourself around me. You know, act around me the way you act around," She paused. "Emily."

Tegan lifted an eyebrow with an amused smile plastered on her face, realizing Sara's rant was all about her jealousy from Tegan's best friend. Best friend, right. Could Sara feel it? She and Emy crossing the line of friends only three days ago? The red spots on her neck and chest she woke up to Sunday morning were completely invisible to the human eye now. Could Sara tell simply by looking into her eyes?

Sara seemed to notice her glitch. Her ears now the same shade of red whenever she becomes bashful. She cleared her throat and said, "Okay, why don't you just continue sleeping? I will continue my shower." She scratched at the back of her head awkwardly and walked to the bathroom's door. "Umm, I only have one class." She bit her lip and freed it after a second in order to continue her sentence. "Then I have an hour and a half to be at my office. Office hours." She explained. "But, I will only give a class and sit half an hour in there. I think I'm getting sick too. So you sleep, since it's only seven, and I'll be back at ten." Tegan nodded. "We'll have breakfast together." Sara smiled.

Tegan smiled back. "Alright." She whispered. And Sara disappeared in her bathroom again. She appreciated the sudden progress in her relationship with Sara. But she was still not sure where they stood. She was not fond of her own built up walls. She needed to lighten up and be herself, the way she is around her friends. But at the same time, she was not sure what Sara liked, and what she did not. Being with somebody that much older made her nervous and anxious. She wanted to please Sara in every possible way. She wanted to be what Sara found charming and pleasant. She did not want to err while in Sara's presence, but it was more than okay for Sara to do so in front of her.

She promised herself that she would be more talkative and less quiet when Sara returned. She fiddled with her mind for questions she would want to ask Sara. Many rushed inside, but she was not sure what was proper to ask and what was not. She wanted to ask her about her ex-husband. She wanted to ask her about her family. Whether she has friends or not. She wanted to ask her about her likes and dislikes, about her health. She wanted to ask how many people she had dated, and why isn't she dating anybody her age. She wanted to ask her what she saw in her, and what are they at the moment? Are they friends? Lovers? She wanted to ask her about how she felt, was she scared? Of course she was, her eyes spoke louder than her words. She wanted to know many things, and thinking about what they might speak about over breakfast slowly took her back to sleep.

But her sleep was interrupted. Her plans with Sara were interrupted. Her promise for Sara to be in the apartment when the professor would return was broken. Tegan was awakened after an hour by numerous calls from Jeremy. She had not checked her phone since she was at university the previous day. Many texts from Jeremy asking her if they could speak. Following that, many texts from Jeremy and Emy asking where she was and why wasn't she at her dorm.

She had forgotten that she neglected her phone in her backpack which was inside Sara's room all day yesterday. She had only acknowledged her phone when the calls did not stop. Rubbing her eyes and reading every text, she slapped her forehead. Her friends were worried, her phone was about to die, she needed a shower, and she needed to make sure her friends knew she's safe.

She called Jeremy, not sure what to tell him. She couldn't tell him she's at Sara's, not without her consent. She couldn't make up a lie, thus she told him she would tell him later. But she wouldn't, not yet. Jeremy was worried, his tone sounded worried. "Fuck, Tegan. We thought something happened to you. We were about to contact your mother."

No, not her mother. If the whole world were to know, her family should be the last to find out. She knew her parents, they would never tolerate the fact that she had spent an innocent night, sleeping alone on her professor's bed. "No. Don't you ever call my mother, Jeremy. You know how crazy protective she is." She sighed. "I am fine. I'm safe. Didn't think anybody would be worried or would notice."

She heard murmuring of a familiar sound through the phone. She realized her friend had put his phone on speaker, and Emy was listening. Most probably, scoffing her, or commenting with sarcasm. "Tegan, listen." She heard an exasperated sigh leaving Jeremy's mouth. He was probably rubbing his temples. He always did that when he seemed irritated.

"Ya." She listened.

"I know what happened." She heard hesitancy within his voice. She hummed as a response. "You two should fix this." She wanted to fix it. She sure did. "_Emy_ wants to fix this." His emphasis on her friend's name made her anger rise. She too wanted to fix their mistake, not only Emy.

"I want to fix it too." Perhaps her tone came out loud and defensive. Her two friends snickered and she rolled her eyes.

"Meet us at my place now?"

"Now?" She was biting on her short nails while searching for a clock on Sara's walls. There was none. Sara would return, and she would be expecting her to be in her bed, nursing her cold. But also, she needed to solve her issue with her friend. She also needed a shower, and she needed to change her clothes. She wanted to look presentable for Sara.

"Yes now. It's not a good time?" Jeremy asked.

Tegan walked to the living room. If she was to leave the apartment, she would need keys, which she found easily in a vase on the coffee table. "No, it's fine. I'll just make a run to the dorm quickly. To shower and change. Will that be alright?"

She heard another sigh. "It's fine. But you'll tell me where were you last night when I see you." She promised him that she will, but she won't.

She apologized mentally to Sara, before she left, she wrote a note and put it on the coffee table. Sara will be checking the keys, and they would be gone, and so she would see the note that Tegan had written. She hoped Sara would understand her terrible font. She said that she will be back, she needed to take care of something. She apologized and wrote her number down.

She has an excuse to come back even if Sara texted her not to. She had the keys, and she would want to return them.

The walk to her dorm took her approximately fifteen minutes. She was heavy with sweat and a coughing fist that did not stop. Her nose was stuffed and her throat ached much worse. Walking in the cold was a wacky idea.

After her shower, she dried her hair well and gathered it in a ponytail. She did not have time to straighten her dark curls. She dressed herself with more fitting clothes than the ones she had on the previous day. Her dark jeans were skinnier, and her maroon sweater was short, and not as baggy as the white shirt. She did, however, wear her long grey coat on top. And she covered her head with a beanie.

Before she left, she swallowed a paracetamol pill in hopes the pain in her throat would ease. It was nine when she left, and Sara would be at her home within an hour. She took another sigh and walked to Jeremy's which took her another fifteen minutes of walking. She was not going to get any better.

**...**

"Okay Doctor Phil, where shall we sit?" Emy mocked their friend. Tegan had just arrived. She exchanged an awkward hello without an eye contact with Emy. Emy whispered back her own version of the awkward hello.

Jeremy gave her the face that indicated that she was in trouble. She glared at him and he whispered, "You're so gonna tell me where were you last night." She rolled her eyes and Emy began to mock Jeremy.

"You should be fucking thankful that you have a friend like me." Jeremy joked. "You two are a mess." He shook his head. "Now what's the first rule in having a roommate?" None of the girls responded. "Do not sleep together." Now they were both eyeing each other from a peripheral vision. Cheeks flushed. "But you did and now you two need to to fix it and I don't know, be less awkward."

Emy folded her arms and slouched on the sofa, Tegan was on the opposite one. She had her face resting inside her palm and her lips curled in a pout. "Nobody is going to speak?" No response. "Well, my job here is done. I am not some lesbians therapist or something. That's all I've got." Jeremy was the one standing, being the peace weaver between the two. Who clearly were irritated with him.

"Shut the fuck up, already." Tegan exclaimed. "Emy, I am sorry." She began to apologize, mentally arranging her words. She did not want to share many details with her male friend. She's not sure what Emy had shared, and she was not yet well informed on the night of drunken pleasure thoroughly. "What I said, it was stupid of me to say it. I didn't mean it. I was just shocked. And I know I was selfish, for using you to..." She paused. Emy was nodding, her eyes showed nothing that Tegan could read. No grief, no anger, no guilt. Only a blank stare. "get over Sara." She swallowed hard. If only Emy knew. "But I shouldn't have, and I won't do so again. I promise." Emy gave her another nod. This time with a smile. She couldn't believe she was off the hook easily. But Emy did love her, and if it was Sara who put her in such a situation that she put Emy in, she would forgive her. Sara did put Tegan in such a situation, not entirely, but she twisted with her mind, but Sara justified her reasons. "I want us to get back on good terms again. I don't want it to be awkward. I really don't. You're my best friend, and I don't wanna lose you just because I was dumb."

Jeremy pretended to wipe a tear that fell from his eyes. "It's like watching Hannah Montana." He faked a sniffle.

Tegan stuck her tongue out and Emy chuckled. "You're so fucking weird, dude." She averted her gaze back on Tegan. "You know if you keep doing that puppy face at me I'm never gonna be mad at you." She hadn't realized that she was pulling her signature guilt trip face. But she had often done it unconsciously, and admittedly, she somehow benefited from it. Especially when she wanted something from her parents, her father was easily fooled, while it took her mother several tries that sometimes would end up in rejection, but other times, her big wide eyes and pouty lips would win and get her what she wanted.

Emy sighed. "It's fine. I am sorry too. I'd like to forget what happened. Not that a lot did really, I..." Her eyes shifted to her friend's, who understood the request to leave merely by an eye contact from Emy.

"I'll be in my room." They both watched him leave the cramped living room. His apartment was still bigger than Sara's, but not as neatly furnished nor arranged.

In the midst of comparing, Emy decided to sit next to her. Emy shifted on the sofa uncomfortably. "Okay so I'm just gonna tell you what happened. So we can both let it go." She whispered. A part of Tegan was relieved that Jeremy was not informed with the details that she could not remember any part of.

She gave an assuring nod, allowing her friend to speak. Emy took a deep breath. "I'm not sure which part you remember and which part you don't."

"I vaguely remember us dancing and then leaving the party. That's it. It stops right there."

"So we were both really drunk. I think some dude put a pill in your drink, because I was with you all the time. You started sweating and you took your jacket off. You dragged me where everyone was dancing, and well, we danced. You said you were really hot and you started unbuttoning your shirt and lifting your sleeves up." Tegan could manage to remember that part, but she wanted to be told what happened from the beginning. "You started to grind on me and everything began to feel really hot. It was a different you, I swear. You were so alive and so touchy, which you are not usually." Tegan chuckled, Emy did know her very well. "We started making out, and you were kinda touching my ass and all, so I thought it's best we leave since you were losing it."

Tegan's cheeks were darkened with a furious shade of red. She wished to remember how wild she had become suddenly, perhaps she would know how to act around Sara, less timid, less careful. "Come on, just don't be shy about it." This reminded her of Sara asking her to act less coy around her. "When we went back to the dorm, you basically stripped off your shirt and resumed making out. You fell on my bed and pulled me on top of you. I think it was an unspoken agreement of what was going to happen next." She shrugged. "I was kind of not sure what to do, so you got on top of me and we stripped our clothes and..."

"I know the rest." She cut Emy off. She didn't want to be reminded again. The intimate details, she needed to wash them off her brain.

Emy shook her head. Her own face would explode if her blushing grew a tad darker. "Not really." Tegan knotted her eyebrows. "This is really embarrassing." She mumbled.

"Nothing's more embarrassing than me having sex the first time with someone in my underwear then passing out, and waking up not remembering it."

Emy seemed to agree with her silence. She gave an apologetic smile. "Would it make you feel better to know that you fingered me?" Tegan's eyes expanded as her lips grew wide open. "And it was not bad, not at all." Emy admitted.

"Holy fuck." She sat back, staring straight ahead. She did not expect that, she had never done that. "I haven't ever done it to anyone, not even to myself." Perhaps she was sharing too much details, but she was startled by it, and a part of her was proud, another part was less worried about impressing Sara in bed.

"Oh, wow." Emy chuckled. A moment of silence, she wondered what her friend was thinking. She wondered if she made her reach orgasm, and she wondered with how many fingers she had entered her. "Getting wasted had unleashed you, Tiger." She loved when her friend called her that. It was her nickname beside Mister or Tee. She wondered what kind of nickname Sara would give her beside Thunder Girl. She did not mind it anymore.

Making up with Emy was easy. They promised each other to put what happened behind their backs. But revealing to Emy and Jeremy where she had spent the previous night was the hard part. Her friends kept interrogating her. She did not give a clear answer. "I was at someone's place." She kept repeating, and they demanding to know who it was. "It's a friend of mine, you don't know her." She would answer.

"A friend, or a_ friend_?" Jeremy raised an eyebrow, his smirk well apparent on his face.

"Tegan, you're seeing someone?" Emy then asked. "You're not sleeping with random people, aren't you?" Her voice carried a tone of worry, but it could be out of jealousy, Tegan thought.

"No, no." She responded. "It's not that. I'm not sleeping with anyone." She clarified. "I just, I can't tell you now. Please don't ask more questions. If I could, I would tell." She was giving way too much, but she knew eventually she would be exposed, especially if she spent more time in her lover's apartment.

Emy seemed to respect her decision, she gave a nod. But Jeremy joked, asking her whether she's a spy or a secret agent. Her eye roll was her response. Emy declared that she would want to go to the university, she had a class in half an hour. It was half past ten, Sara had not called. She wondered what Sara's reaction was. She would have to return to Sara's place. Jeremy had a class as well. She did not. They offered her a ride to her dorm, but that would make the road longer for her. After all, she would only have to walk for five minutes to reach Sara's place. She said no, she said she needed to go to the store and get some stuff. Even though she knew her friends were not convinced with her excuse, they had eventually allowed her to be on her own.

She inhaled a deep breath while standing outside Sara's door. Her car was parked in the same place as the previous day, Sara was inside. She unlocked the door with a slow movement, not entirely sure why the rapid drumming of her heart couldn't slow down, she should be used to Sara right now, but apparently, she was not.

While pushing the door, she took a peek through the small crack into the quiet apartment. Sara's seated figure met her immediately. And so she pushed the door quicker and allowed herself inside, closing the door behind her. Sara did not make a sound, she did not turn her face to look at Tegan. She was seated with a straight back and her glance focused to the kitchen before her vision. A black mug palmed by her pale hand. Her grip was rather tight on it. Tegan assumed it would be coffee, or tea. She did not know. Nothing on the round dinning table but that mug and Sara's angry hand. Tegan swallowed, she would not expect to See Sara as tense as she seemed, not after the oozing warmth that she filled her with the previous day and only a few hours ago.

She walked with the keys jiggling in her hand. Many keys were in that keychain, it took her a while to figure which one was the one for the apartment in the morning, she assumed perhaps the others were for different things, she did not know what kind of things. She stood right in front of Sara, who looked her up and down as slow as one's pupils can move, she couldn't help but shudder. "I had to go to the dorm, I had to deal with something important, and I needed a shower, sooo..." She pursed her lips, standing as she was in front of Sara made her feel exposed. Sara's hazel irises were an ignited fire, she couldn't get enough.

"Sit." Sara simply ordered, with a voice that indicated her flu had began to be as heavy as Tegan's. She had managed to pass it to her.

Tegan sat, but Sara stood up, and slowly paced to the kitchen. Tegan turned her head and looked at Sara who was holding another mug in her hand. "Coffee or tea?" She asked. "Have you had any breakfast with your important something?"

Sara's jealousy began to irritate Tegan, she had never imagined a woman with the strength of the mountains would be as jealous by the simplest of things. "Coffee, and no." She furrowed her eyebrows at Sara, who still masked her robot face.

Sara handed her a mug of coffee, reaching for her own, taking it with her back to the kitchen. "Do you like your eggs boiled, or scrambled?" Sara raised an eyebrow.

"I don't know, anything, scrambled." She mentally cursed herself. She needed to start making up her mind without the occasional _I don't know_ in every response she gave.

The student and her professor shared a calm breakfast, if one did not count Sara's abusive glares each time her eyes connected with Tegan. She thought Sara was quaint. She couldn't get enough even if Sara's stoic personality angered her, she had always fancied the teasing person Sara was.

"Are you angry with me?" Tegan couldn't stand the silence that seemed to be dragging on forever. It was afternoon, and they had not shared a single word. Sara was sipping her third cup of coffee while reading a book. Tegan was texting her mother. A routine she did each day in order to let her know that she was safe, healthy, and happy.

Sara looked up, she took a sip and then shook her head. She continued reading. "Then why are you treating me like that? Is it because I left? Am I like a prisoner in here?" Tegan hated to be controlled, she could not stand those couples who were possessive, and she ad Sara were not even a couple.

Her professor closed the book, she rubbed her brow with a thumb and an index while releasing a sigh. "Perhaps we should get to know each other." Sara mumbled, it's as if she was whispering to her own self. Asking her own self to meet herself, if that was possible.

"Great." Tegan quickly exclaimed, her octave taking Sara by surprise. "I am Tegan Blue Rain. I was born in May, twenty-third, Nineteen Ninety-Four, in France when my parents were on a stupid vacation. I was a premature baby. You probably don't wanna know all these details. Anyway, I fucking hate when people play mind games."

"Jesus." Sara inhaled and chuckled. Tegan felt triumphant, she had just expressed her feelings towards Sara's hot and cold games. "Your middle name is Blue?" Sara giggled, it caused her student to part her lips in disbelief. That's what Sara had caught on. "What kind of sad name is that? Blue Rain. Were your parents on drugs?"

Tegan rolled her eyes. "No. But my mom is weird." But she was weirder, or so she thought. Her mother was funny at times, and she believed she had inherited the sense of humour from her. And she was as well, sensitive, which Tegan had inherited with an overdose.

Sara nodded. She took a quick glance on the television, which showed nothing since it was turned off. "I am Sara Keirsten Clement. I was born on the Nineteenth of September, in Nineteen-Eighty, in Calgary. My parents were not on a stupid vacation. I was a premature baby too. And I really fucking hate it when people break plans or promises."

Sara's tone was not bitter anymore. Tegan gave her a nod. Sara overreacted, but perhaps that was who she is. Tegan over-thinks, Sara overreacts. They indeed needed to know each other more, and Tegan was willing to proceed with their speech, anything but the agonizing silence. "How can I make it up to you? I really had to leave. I had to fix everything with Emy."

"Tegan, I'm not angry at you." She paused. "I am angry at myself, mostly. I cannot control how I react at some occasions." Sara is hard to guess, she is hard to read, and is hard to discover. Her unsettled mood swings gave Tegan a headache. Tegan had often been told that she is rather paranoid and moody, but she had never seen anyone quite as moody as Sara. Her anger reflected in her crystal silence, but it was difficult to find out the reason of her anger. "I just wanna try and be myself around you, so I'm going to speak about myself, and I hope you will too."

Tegan agreed with a nod. They were both sick with the flu, each of them had her own box of tissues on her lap. "I grew up in a really conservative environment. I'm an only child, and my parents were extremely overprotective. I hated it. Everything was a no to them. Everything that did not go with the rules of religion was not discussed."

When Sara paused, Tegan took her turn to share more details about herself. "I grew up with an overprotective, religious family as well. They are very loving, however. I have a brother, he's five years older than I am. My parents are very religious. But they are very understanding and tolerant."

"Are you religious too?"

Tegan took a moment, she pondered the question in her head. She often visited church with her parents, but she refused to do so anymore at sixteen. After arguing, they had let her do what she desired. She had never thought of herself as religious, just simply following what her parents wanted her to follow until she decided she did not want to do so anymore. "I am not. I don't think about it too much. Are you? Do you believe in God?"

Many times Sara had connoted a text they were discussing to the existence of God, which made Sara seem rather religious, but often, the way she explained the universe, made her seem otherwise. "I suppose I have my own understanding for religion. I don't follow a specific one. I just believe in the Lord, you know. I believe that everything has a reason. I believe that he can give me what I want with patience. I believe that if something did not happen, then it's for the better. If something bad happened, then there's something good behind it. I believe he can control us, he can control that. And I believe he is merciful and very kind. I think he is better than human beings. They judge, they hate. I don't think he does. No matter what they say, I believe what I believe."

With admiration and smiling lips, Tegan listened to Sara speak. She enjoyed the way her lips moved, the way her angular jaw clenched whenever she mentioned something that made her seem uncomfortable or shaky. Her feminine voice soothed Tegan and made her relax, she could listen to it all day, and she would not carry an ounce of boredom within her chest.

Sara spoke about her parents, she spoke about how hard it was to live with them. Her main goal was to separate from them. "I wanted to be a doctor, I've always wanted it. I wanted to major in Medicine. But I was not lucky enough to get a scholarship. I couldn't afford it. Even if my parents offered help, they did not own the money to do so. The only scholarship I was able to earn was one of Literature and one of Psychology. I chose Literature because I did read a lot. I was very determined to take my Ph.D Just so I could be called Doctor."

"All my family studied medicine except me. I wanted literature because I love it." The differences she shared with Sara were not much, but she had never imagined Sara to be studying something for the title, not for the passion she carried towards it.

Sara seemed impressed to find out that Tegan was the odd one out in her family. "Really? That's interesting."

"Ya, my dad is a heart surgeon, my brother is a dentist, and my mom is gynecologist." Sara wrinkled her nose at the last word, it made Tegan giggle. "I know, that's disgusting."

Sara giggled too. "Ya, you can say that. Were they okay when you came out to them?" Her face is soft, and her eyes are too. So is her voice, and the way she sat, very relaxed, unlike the way Tegan saw her when she came back.

"Yes, they were. I think the blow was when I was sixteen and I dated this woman who wasn't really good. Their hearts were broken, they were very angry, but they calmed down. So when I actually came out in the summer, they were okay with it. My dad still seemed pained. His face was all stiff and shit, it's like he was waiting for a rock to fall over his head, but he didn't really yell or say some shit, he kept quiet."

Sara grinned at her student. Her teeth were not in the perfect shape, especially her bottom ones, but whenever she showed them, Tegan's heart melted a bit. She could squeal if it wouldn't make her look strange. "I like the way you speak. You always cuss and it's very cute. And the way you keep moving your hands when you explain something. I like looking at you speaking."

Tegan's blush took its place again on each side of her face. She was a sucker for compliments, but they made her blush intensely, she wouldn't know how to reply. She liked the way Sara spoke too, but admitting it would be lame. "My parents still don't know that I sleep with girls too. They know I am into girls, we've fought a lot about it. My dad even sat me down with a priest to convince me that I was one of the misguided souls that needed direction. But I think they don't know I actually do sleep with them."

Tegan's eyes widened. She wouldn't imagine it for herself, she had never imagined it for Sara. "I started having official girlfriends when I moved to Vancouver and was away from them. Then I dated guys too. I guess I knew I was fully bisexual at nineteen. I was always confused, not sure what to label myself. And everybody around me made it seem as if I had a disease, as if I was really just confused and it was really just a phase. But I realized that's who I was, I just fell in love with whomever I fell in love with and it did not matter until I was out of love, and falling in love with someone else."

Tegan had never thought of bisexuality on herself. She had loved James, she was sure of that. But her love was rather innocent, nothing sexual ever crossed her mind when being around him. While with Sara, her love involved the factor of lust. She never wanted to push the thought more after coming out. Girls made her stomach twist, guys did not, it was as simple as that for her.

"I only had one girlfriend and one boyfriend. Both did not last more than two months." She shrugged.

Occasionally, she forgot the difference in age between her and her professor, which caused her to compare. "At your age, I was just getting in a first serious relationship. All the girlfriends and boyfriends I had in Junior High just never lasted. I was never serious, I did not even have the time nor the energy to be serious. But I dated Katina at eighteen, we were together for five years. Then I stayed single for a year, just sleeping around with guys and girls." Sara snickered, "I was wild." Tegan wondered if she still did that, sleeping around instead of having to face lonely nights. "I dated a guy at twenty three but we had different goals and so it never lasted. Then I headed to the US, to do my Ph.D." It was the part Tegan had been patiently waiting for in the history of Sara. The details she wished to find more about. "I met someone, his name was Jack. We became friends first." Sara had a smile on her face. Tegan was listening with a blank expression. "We fell for each other, I think. It was so easy, so fun to be around him. And I really loved him. I loved spending time with him. Everything went so fast, he proposed and I said yes. After a month we were married. You can only imagine how happy my parents were. My mother always nagged about wanting grandchildren and wanting me to be normal." Sara rolled her eyes. Her smile is still there, but it was not as cheery.

"What happened?" Tegan asked. Sara had paused. Perhaps she reached the sensitive part of the story, she did not want to push Sara, but she desired to find out.

"We tried very hard to have a child, but it did not work out at all. All the doctors, the pills, the arrangements. Our relationship became dry. The sex became a chore not an act of love. We started drifting apart. I was moody all the time, always crying, always angry at everybody."

Tegan was not sure if Sara was going to cry or not. She hoped she wouldn't, she wouldn't know what to do, she wished she did not ask. "A lot of our friends suggested in vitro. Even the doctors said I can carry if we did it. And so we did it. And I did become pregnant. You have no idea how happy I was...we were. It was a miracle, it really was."

Confusion startled Tegan. Sara did have a child. But the child was no where around. Her insides twisted and churned, she was afraid of finding out what had happened. "It was a broken miracle, though." Sara continued. "I don't know what happened. I was six months along, I was healthy, the baby was healthy. Everything was alright. I was just sitting on the couch one day, and I started bleeding. The next thing I know is waking up in the hospital without a baby inside of me."

Even though Tegan's own eyes teared, Sara's didn't. She admired the strength the woman seated before her owned. Her heart broke, she wanted to hold Sara, to rub her back the way she rubbed hers. But Sara did not seem frail nor fragile, she carried herself with strength Tegan could never aim for. "I'm sorry." The crack in her voice made Sara smile at her. It was so gentle and it gave her goosebumps.

"After that, I was drowning in my own misery. Jack and I fought each day. We even stopped sleeping in the same room. The love faded, it just did. And I know, mostly it's my fault. He tried, he tried a lot. But I couldn't try as he did. I suppose my love has an expiration date. I wanted to leave, to start over. I felt empty, and I wanted to take care of myself. So we got a divorce. It was kinda mutual, I suppose."

No matter how many sympathetic smiles Tegan could give, they would not help Sara. Not a bit. They would not return her lost youth, they would not return her baby, they would not return her broken marriage, they would not return the years she lost in misery Tegan had never imagined had touched her and made her who she is today. "I moved to Montreal because I was contacted to teach in here, and I have not been in a relationship since."

Sara Clement with nobody in her bed for five years. It was hard to digest for Tegan. Who wouldn't wanna be in a relationship with Sara. Sure, she was hard to deal with, but she was goddamn lovely. "Your life's a journey."

Sara chuckled. "Life is a journey, Tegan." She yawned and it made Tegan smile. The sky's becoming dark slowly. It rained like Tegan expected. The sun hid behind her daily winter shelter a few hours ago. Now the moon was going to crawl into the tired sky with his peaceful light. "Will you spend the night again?"

How can she say no to Sara's hopeful eyes? She simply couldn't. "I would like to. But all my things are in my dorm. I have classes from eight till three tomorrow. I have homework." She grinned, knowing the homework she had was the many response papers she had not written due to her anger towards Sara the past week.

"It's okay. I can drive you to get what you need." Sara offered. Her smile begged for Tegan to stay. And Tegan wanted to stay.

"Okay. But one condition."

"What is it?"

"We both sleep on your bed tonight." Her tongue wet her lower lip and pulled at the metal stud beneath it.

Sara grinned widely, again. "Deal." She took her own lower lip inside her mouth, her teeth biting the soft flesh. Tegan wanted to kiss her. She really couldn't wait to kiss her.

How happy she was to finally find out things about Sara. But the things she found out were not happy at all. During the drive to her dorm and taking what she needed in order to stay over, her mind repeated every word Sara had said to her.

**...**

"Sorry to keep you waiting." Tegan announced as she sat in the passenger seat. She had just been getting her things while Sara waited in the car. Sara's car was warm, contrasting with the weather outside. She had soft music on, music Tegan did not recognize, but she loved the melody, she assumed it is something rather old, something she was not familiar with. The female's voice was very soft and relaxing, making the car ride quick even though most of it was silent.

They did not exchange a lot of talking. Sara asked about her friends. Tegan did not want to get in details about them. "Your friends don't know, right?"

"No, they don't." She lied. She couldn't tell the truth. She didn't want Sara's anger to return. She wouldn't be able to stand frosty Sara. "But they would know. They would suspect and know. Emy would. She shares a room with me. I had to lie to her. I don't think she believed me, because she knows..." She wished she hadn't opened her mouth again. She wished she stayed silent. Sara was not giving much focus to the road anymore, she kept looking at Tegan with stern eyes. "She knows I really like you. She read the emails. And...I'm sorry." Sara's eyes frightened her. "Don't worry about her. She's my best friend. She won't tell. She won't say anything. She wants me to be happy."

"She better not tell or give any slight hint or she'll fail the fucking class, okay?" Sara's grip was tight on the steering wheel. Her threat was harsh, very harsh, and it sent a shiver down Tegan's spine. Her exasperation crystal clear in the sour pitch of her sick voice. Tegan gave a nod. She promised again that Emy would not tell, that nobody would tell.

"I am hungry." Sara remarked while driving. Tegan did not answer. "I'm gonna order pizza for dinner. You like pizza, right?"

"I do."

**...**

Tegan did her homework. She asked Sara's permission to use her laptop in order to type in Sara's reflection and response papers, and then she emailed them to Sara, who was seated beside her, her eyes on the animation film and a slice of pizza in her hand.

Sara ate, ate, and ate. It was humorous for Tegan to watch the small woman chew slice after another, knowing outer appearance displayed a different image. Sara was very skinny, Tegan slightly heavier. Where Sara had a toned stomach and ghastly legs, Tegan had a small belly and meaty thighs.

"Gosh, I'm so full." Sara whispered. Tegan had only finished three slices an hour ago. She sipped one beer. Sara sipped two. "Why don't you eat? You're making me feel like a fatass."

Tegan chortled and looked up at her hyper professor. "I am full. You're not a fatass. You're really thin." Sara grinned widely. She was in a good mood. Unlike when they were in the car. Unlike the morning. Sara's shift of moods scared Tegan. She was angry one second, and happy the other.

The flu pills she and Sara were on caused Tegan to feel lightheaded soon enough. The student and her professor were yawning and giggling at the silliest things on the television. A tampon commercial, an MTV program, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and an irritating bubblegum song on a music channel. Sara flipped from channel to another. Tegan giggled whenever Sara threw a mocking face at the screen, and Sara followed her with the giggles.

Extraordinarily, time had passed rather quickly. Tegan began dozing off on the soft cushions of the dull grey couch. She rubbed her eyes in order to stay awake. The clock on the wall ticked a ringtone of irritation through her ears. Almost ten, she usually stayed up till midnight, tonight, her flu, the medication, and the magical effect of coziness Sara's apartment had on her, all made the muscles of her eyes relax and the lids become heavier.

She felt smooth skin on her hand. It was Sara's own hand. She held hers gently, her thumb rubbing the back of Tegan's hand. It alerted Tegan, making her pupils change direction to the set of pale hands. "Let's go to bed." Sara whispered softly. It was as if she did not want to kill the moment of the shadowed longing they had just shared. Their hands were still tightly held together as they walked to the bedroom.

What was next? Tegan thought. Sara let go of her hand and reached for the same pajama she had worn the previous night. Thus, Tegan had searched for her own nightwear in her backpack. Her black and pink pajama shorts, which were extremely short. She hesitated in wearing a wife beater or a baggy band T-shirt.

"Be comfortable, wear whatever you want." She hadn't realized Sara was looking at her. She looked up at Sara with a flushed face. "I will change in the bathroom."

Tegan stripped her clothes off quickly. She knew Sara was respecting her boundaries. If it were for Sara, she would have gotten both of them nude hours ago, Tegan thought. She appreciated the space she was showering Tegan with. Sara seemed terrified to even touch her student. Tegan thought her harsh words were still alive and beating inside her professor's ears. She decided to go with the T-shirt. Just because Sara was covered as well. Plus, she was feeling a bit chilly.

Sara knocked on the door, something Tegan hadn't done the previous night when she finished getting dressed. Tegan put on her shorts and granted permission for Sara to leave the bathroom. The first thing her scanning eyes noticed was the stiffness of Sara's nipples through the thin fabric of her pajama shirt. The second thing was her neon pink bra in her hands along with the rest of her clothes.

It was a bold move in Tegan's part; she reached for her navy blue bra from behind to unhook it. Her eyes were focused on Sara's, whose eyes were focused on her chest. Sara's ears were a flaming shade of pink. Tegan pulled the straps down her goosebumps-filled arms slowly. She felt the hardening of her own nipples as soon as the cups left her full breasts. Sara's intense gaze was not a help to hinder the sudden feeling for the need to be touched inside Tegan's core. She wondered if Sara was feeling the same.

Before she could wonder whether they would share a hug like they had done the previous night, Sara was quickly beneath the quilt of her bed. "Which side do you usually sleep on? I didn't know last night."

"I don't have a specific one." But Sara was on the left side, Tegan walked to the right one, as she did the previous night. "I usually just fall asleep on one side and wake up on the other. I can never decide." She smiled and patted the place besides her.

After turning off the light and getting inside the quilt, covering all of her head, since it was the only way she could sleep, curling in a position that resembled the fetal one, Tegan was now ready to close her eyes and sleep. She heard Sara's soft breaths from beside her. They were relaxing her.

She didn't know how much time had passed until Sara threw an irritated sigh. "Can't you sleep already?" She was worried her tossing and turning would cause Sara trouble in falling asleep, and it did. She felt guilty and embarrassed. She wasn't able to fall asleep even though she was extremely tired.

"I'm sorry." She apologized. "I'll go sleep in the living room."

"No, don't." Sara raised her soft voice a little, only to stop Tegan from getting up. Tegan did not even have the energy to do so. "What's the matter? Why can't you sleep? You seemed pretty sleepy out there."

"I'm cold." Tegan simply revealed what she felt.

"You're cold?" She imagined Sara would be raising her eyebrows after the question. Her head peeked from under the quilt, but it was much too dark to assemble any of Sara's features in her eyes. "I'm very hot. I wanna be naked, and you're cold?" Sara chuckled.

Tegan imagined Sara was one of those who spent her time alone in the nude, slept with no clothing on, and paced around her small apartment without any on. She felt as an intruder for banning her from the liberty of nudity. "Do you have an extra pillow?"

"What for?"

Tegan did not reply immediately. She was much too shy to share such an immature detail. "So I could hug it."

"Hug it?" She heard the confusion in Sara's tone.

"It's a bad habit." Tegan's blush was smeared by the darkness of the room. "I can't sleep unless I am holding on to something." A bad habit of the many she had, one she wished to let go of. "I usually have a..." She didn't continue. She didn't want to.

"A teddy bear?" Sara continued. She felt the smile in her tone. When Tegan did not answer, Sara said, "And what did you cuddle with last night?"

"Your pillow." She whispered, half guilty, half ashamed.

Sara giggled, and her giggle was very sweet, as ever. She felt the older woman shift next to her. The heat her body radiated touched Tegan's exposed legs as she became closer to her. "Why don't you cuddle with me?" Sara offered. Tegan gave no response, but her body did. She found serene solace in Sara's warm breaths against her own cheeks. Sara's body joined hers in a delicate embrace. Her lips were inches apart from Sara's exposed neck. "You have a fever, you're burning. No wonder you're cold." Sara whispered, but Tegan did not care about the fever, because she was not cold anymore.

She had dreamed of such clasp of their bodies since the previous year. The effects it was filling her body with were heavier than she had imagined. She felt as if she could cry, tears of mirth and satisfaction. They were connected together in a romantic hold, but at the same time it was as sensual as it could get due to the connection of their breasts and the hardness of their nipples being in touch through the fabric of their clothing. None of them moved, none of them tried to fix the position of their resting bodies. Both of them enjoyed the sensation of the touch in such private parts of their bodies.

Sara's hands held Tegan's waist. She knew that Sara had not fallen asleep yet by the soft, slow rubs her hands were performing. Her feet were touching Sara's warm ones. She did not feel cold anymore, not a bit, and she did not feel hot as well, she felt good. Solely, simply, good.

She felt Sara's eyelashes on her cheek as she blinked rapidly. It then occurred to her that Sara was giving her butterfly kisses. They caused her to shiver, and perhaps blush even more, she did not know. "What's the name of your teddy?" Sara pecked her cheek after the question, which caused her to squirm a tad between Sara's arms.

"Angel. I think it's a female teddy." Not aware of what left her mouth anymore. Not caring anymore. On the verge of falling asleep, Tegan did not revise her sentences before they left her mouth.

"Why? Does it have a vagina?" Tegan giggled. She had never heard Sara utter this word.

"No, don't be silly." She giggled once again. "It's white. It has silver stuffed wings and a silver stuffed halo on its head."

"Oh, so that's why you called it Angel." Sara pecked her on the cheek once again. "How old is Ms. Angel? And who got it for you?"

They were whispering, as if they weren't the only persons inside the house. Tegan yawned, her eyes on the verge of resignation, she was beginning to drift to sleep. "Not very old. It's..." She was stuttering and her words becoming thick and heavy. "I think fifteen years old." She heard Sara giggle again. "I loved angels. I would draw them all the time. So my mom got it for me on my birthday. " She was not sure which birthday, the fourth, the fifth, or the sixth. She couldn't count anymore. She didn't have the energy to focus on anything. Sara pecked her cheek once again and that's all she remembered when Sara softly called her name in the morning.

She fluttered her eyes open, slowly. "Tegan, Tegan." She kept hearing the ringtone of her name. Inside her wild dream, her mother was calling her name with a loud shriek. Tegan was in the jungle, however. She and her best friend, the Tiger, were trying to win a battle against the almighty, ruthless lion and his companion, Tegan's high school enemy, and the girl who hurt and frightened her the most, Helen Baker.

Her brother Ted emerged from their vast living room with a red pot in his hands. "Who cooked my cat?" he blurted out, causing Tegan to halt and pause.

Her small hand clenched around the hilt of the silver, shiny sword. Her chest clad with a navy green armor and above her head was a tiara. "What are you doing here, Ted? I thought you were in prison."

Her confusion was interrupted by her mother's screams. "I told you to clean your room, Tegan." She rolled her eyes. Now she was standing in her living room with the handle of the PlayStation in both hands. "Tegan, Tegan."

"No, no. I don't wanna clean my room. Go away." She mumbled. Her sleep slowly coming to an end as she felt her thumb being jerked away from the warmth of her mouth.

"Tegan, Tegan." Sara whispered. She had Tegan's hand in her own. Her hand still clenched while her wet thumb standing to attention. Tegan fluttered her eyes open. Her dark pupils getting rid of the cover of lids and eyelashes slowly. She took in the sight before her. Awareness step by step lingering inside her head. The sharp jaw and the pout of a rosy lower lip. Thick eyelashes and bronze irises.

The puffy lips of the woman lying beside her curled. She watched the motion with her now fully awakened senses. Absentmindedly, she drew her own body closer. The woman's morning breath hitting her nostrils. It was not loathsome, but not exactly pleasant either. It was bitter, the way Tegan preferred her coffee, she wondered if her breath was the same, or perhaps it was worse and might cause the older woman a disturbance. But the older woman did not distance her own from her student's.

Sara beamed, she moved the clenched fist and damp thumb up between their faces. She burst out in laughter, and at first, Tegan did not absorb the sole reason behind the ringing musical tone which was raspier and a bit hoarse rather than the occasional bashful, sweet one she's been lucky to hear frequently in the past few days. But soon enough, when her orbs took a turn in inspecting her thumb, she had come to realization that Sara caught her in her yet, most embarrassing, most childish act.

With haste, the shame ridden brunette took her other hand and covered her eyes with the palm of it. Sara's laughter increased. "That's adorable. I didn't expect you to be such a baby."

"It's a bad habit." Tegan jerked her guilty hand away from Sara's. From the corner of her coy eyes, she could tell Sara continued with her cheery smile.

"You're full of bad habits, aren't you?" Sara chuckled, nudging her student slightly.

Tegan felt the need to explain. She couldn't allow Sara to think of her as a child, or not mature enough for a relationship, yet all her sleeping rituals demanded childish behaviors. "It's embarrassing. I tried to stop it, but I don't know, I just..." So much for explaining, she thought. She huffed loudly, frustrated with herself.

Sara scooted closer, if that was even possible. They were not in a tight embrace as they were only hours ago during the night. They were uncommonly closer, however. Tegan could feel Sara's jutting hipbones through her own protruding ones. "I don't judge. I have my own shameful habits, or guilty pleasures, maybe." Sara admitted.

"Such as?" Curiosity arose in the back of her head. She imagined something juicy, or rather kinky. Something pure and shiny looking Sara would be stained and smudged by embarrassingly.

She watched her ears closely, waiting for the rosy tint to strike. Sara shrugged, which caused her bony shoulder to hit Tegan's robust one. "Most of them are," The familiar rosy hue emerged and took its destined place on the nicely shaped ear. Unlike Tegan's bent one, Sara's ear shot an electric sensation that fired and sparkled inside Tegan's body, generating an instinct that caused the beating of her heart to increase. "shockingly inappropriate." Sara continued.

An animalistic feeling what burst inside Tegan. The last words and the image of the boisterous red ear were the electricity to generate the calm libido into a flow of juices seeping out of Tegan's hungry entrance. The kick she felt in her pussy sent another kick to her brain to act up on the inflamed need. Tongue on heated, delicate flesh, wetting the velvety skin of her ear with ravishing sucks. She couldn't press pause or disconnect the charged battery of her lust. It caused even twice the ache when her ear took in the soft a_h_ Sara released.

It's what she's been fantasizing about since the day she fell for the charming woman. To kiss her strong jaw and trace it with the length of her tongue. Sara's soft panting was music to her ears. She was too entranced with the captivating taste of Sara's skin to care about the placement of Sara's palm. Only when Sara took her left breast in a violent squeeze, she had let out a guttural moan, causing Sara to turn the tables on them, pushing her student on her back instead of leaning slightly on top of her professor.

Her dominant side and the sudden squeeze took Tegan by surprise. Her left breast remained cupped and slightly sore from the firm grip. Her nipple was threatening to cut through the thin fabric of her T-shirt to meet Sara's palm. "Does it hurt?" Sara's oddly worried tone took her by another surprise. She shook her head, but Sara released her breast from the grip and instead left her palm to rest on the mound. She missed the feeling the soon it left her. "They're one of my guilty pleasures." Sara revealed with intense dark eyes. "Your breasts." She whispered. "So fucking beautiful." The deep octave she used to reveal her fascination was not a help to Tegan's needy state.

She kept looking at Sara's lips. One thing she wanted to do was to kiss her and kiss her till their lips were tired and dry of any need to connect soft flesh on other soft flesh. Sara seemed to understand her silent call for such connection to happen. She joined their lips together quickly, but softly. Unlike her grip, her kiss was something else. Tender and exceedingly delicious. Tegan's eyes closed as she enjoyed the soft flesh of Sara's lips.

The first kiss was short, but delicate. The second one was passionate and longer, it involved Sara's warm tongue rubbing on Tegan's closed lips, Tegan allowed the shy plead entrance. Their tongues played together and did not fight for any sort of needed dominance the way Sara's hand did to her breast. The third kiss worried Tegan. The flood in her underwear stepped on the brim of danger, threatening to crawl down her legs at any moment. Sara sucked and sucked on her tongue as if it was her own entertainment feast. She moaned and squirmed whenever one of her nipples were poked by Sara's own rock hard ones. It amazed her how they were able to feel the heat of their own bodies through the fabric of their clothes, she imagined how achingly wonderful their naked pressed bodies would make her feel. The fourth kiss was shorter than the first one, it was a gentle peck on the lips, followed by a convivial grin from Sara, making her face look ten years younger, making her look like a lively teenager.

"You should get ready or you might be late." She had forgotten the sole purpose of waking up in such an early hour of the morning. She had forgotten the big building waiting for her. She had forgotten the six consecutive classes she would have to sit through. She had forgotten to get up, get ready, and leave. She had forgotten everything but the fact that this was Sara she's sleeping on her bed and God, she was so lovely and picturesque, one cannot forget to look at her. But Sara had to remind her and bring her back to the cruel, cruel reality that separated her from Sara's radiating warmth and scrumptious kisses.

Sara stood up, leaving her student staring straight at the ceiling. If she walked, she would feel the quite uncomfortable dampness between her legs. Sara's nose wrinkled and her lips twitched as she regained her balance. "I seriously need a cold shower." The intake of her deep voice filled with dangerous lust was just too much to handle.

"Fuck." Whispered Tegan with her own desire-filled raspy voice. She couldn't wait to sleep with Sara.


	18. Ghastly Pale and Gooey Sweet

**Chapter 18: Ghastly Pale and Gooey Sweet.**

**May 3rd, 2043**

With Sara and I, things either went too fast or too slow. I believe we were too eager to let our relationship unfold that we forgot to label ourselves. We forgot to speak about our statues. Whether we were girlfriends or not. She never mentioned it, so I preferred not to. We preferred the term 'lovers'. No, no. How can you say it was merely lust? She was sweet, and gentle. Some would think it is quite eerie and perhaps a tad sick that the relationship seemed too motherly at first. I guess I loved the way she took care of me. She was not my mother, not my sister, but she took care of me as if she was one, or both. I did not mind, because she was not. I loved the attention and I sought for it, she loved feeding me it. What's wrong with that? Nothing. Not at all.

Yes, Sara and I had engaged in many conversations. I know I said she did not speak often, she did speak, what I have meant was, she did not reveal her true emotions, but she joked, she shared her opinions, she made fun of something or someone, she ached my head with her theories, and I loved every part of that. I just remembered, and it is making me chuckle, she had this theory about soulmates, she had said, "I do believe in having a soulmate, but that does not necessarily mean my soulmate and I are meant to be together. Don't you ever wonder why many people are unhappy, Tegan? Don't you ever see how many people die alone? How many marriages are wrecked? How many relationships are dead? You could meet your soulmate, and you could have a wonderful time with them, then you two would drift away, simply because the life one of you leads did not allow for you two to be together. But you know that they are your soulmate, you know them, and all your life, you know it was only them, even if you are with somebody else." I remember smiling at her words, and then I teased her with a question, I nudged her and asked, "Have you ever found yours?" She looked at me and giggled. "Maybe I have." She said then winked at me. I'm not sure if she meant me. I didn't have time to contemplate it or think about it much, because she cupped my cheeks and kissed me. She hurried hovering over me, and every thought in my head did not matter anymore, because I was enjoying the way Sara touched me. I did not need any barrier to stop the joy her tongue brought when it touched my skin

**...**

It could not have been any colder that Wednesday morning. The snow painted multiple images on the grounds of the ancient university. The doleful trees had no protection against the deleterious frozen water. The leaves withered while choking in frost. The dirty ground repressed its aching pain that the snow caused. And the sun hid further away where no human could strive to find it, and perhaps seek shelter from the bone excruciating cold. The coffee did not attempt to keep its warmth before it was sucked out by frozen hands prying for any glimpse of heat they could obtain. Soon enough, it grasped the similar temperature outside its cup.

No glove could foreclose any given warmth by rubbing both hands. Cheeks and noses blotched with the angriest shade of red. Teeth crackled against each other and fog covered the glasses of those who were unfortunate to need them in order to have a better vision. Scarves wrapped tightly around students' necks, and the heavy winter coats protected their fatigued bodies.

But that was only the weather outside, when one decided to be reckless and courageous enough to stand more than a minute there. The classrooms and auditoriums were aided with the sufficient amount of heat to keep the students as warm as they're supposed to be.

When Tegan left Sara's apartment that morning, the contrast within the temperature inside Sara's home and the outer world hit her like a whirlwind. She left her fantasy, sweet life only to be met with the cruel, shocking reality. Sara's home and Sara's bed, Sara's kisses and Sara's lips, they were only temporary pleasures she could get secretly. No human shall find out about that love at the current time. No human but her friend, who found it out on her own.

The previous night, when Tegan was packing her most needed essentials in order to sleep over her professor's house, her best friend and roommate, Emy, had confronted her about her not very shocking knowledge that the woman she spent a night at, and was going to spend another night with, was indeed Sara Clement. "Be careful." Emy whispered to Tegan, who knotted her brows in clear confusion. "I'm not stupid, Tegan. I know." Tegan's heart raced in beat.

She had seen it coming, Emy finding out. How could she hide something so crystal clear from the woman who she spent her nights and days with? She was waiting for the moment. She knew it was bound to happen. Only, she did not expect it to occur in such a short amount of time. Tegan, however, preferred to remain silent. Be careful of what? She asked her self. "Be careful of students, of her." Emy answered her wandering unvoiced questions. "Is she treating you right?" Emy asked again.

"How do you know?" Tegan wanted to know.

"It's not rocket science." Emy shrugged. "Both of you were absent yesterday. You suddenly found somebody to sleep over at while you couldn't have any girlfriend or find anybody all last year because they were not her. You wouldn't change your mind quickly and all of a sudden find a girl who you'll be comfortable enough to spend your nights with." She shrugged one more time.

Tegan nodded. She pursed her lips. Her backpack was very heavy. Her nightwear, her clothes for the next day of university were all inside. Her toiletry bag, and her books as well. Her back was too frail to carry such mass of weight. "She's treating me right. She's treating me well." Tegan answered Emy's question. "Do not tell anybody about that. You can't tell anybody." Her eyes grew big in a warning glare. Her tone threatened. "You will get her in a massive trouble. You will get me in shit too."

Emy gave a sigh, then nodded. "I won't. Don't worry."

She remembers how Emy's voice was filled with suppressed grief. She was not able to see it at the same moment she was in her presence, but recalling Emy's ocean eyes, she could see how dull the river inside was. She was no longer the cheerful, gleeful Emy who brought happiness and sunshine inside Tegan's murky kingdom. She no longer smiled big with white shiny teeth. She no longer spoke with a loud voice and never ending sentences. She no longer giggled or joked. Tegan caused her sorrow. She didn't want to cause her sorrow. But she did, the same way Sara caused it. But Tegan couldn't compensate for what she had taken, she couldn't return it the way Sara did to her. She thought of ways to see Emy smiling at her once again, a real, genuine smile. She thought of ways and solutions during all her classes.

How to give someone the love that you do not own? She asked herself. No answers were given for sure. She had always loved those who never returned it, except Sara. And it made her confounded with the fact that she had earned the love of Sara. Thoughts of Emy were no longer lingering near. Now they were thoughts full of a woman ghastly pale and gooey sweet. She recalled the kisses, she recalled the touches. Whenever her tongue would slide down and come in contact with her her lips, her heart would jolt with vicious lewd thoughts. She no longer controlled her need. Sara saw it that morning. Sara felt it that morning. And she too, she felt Sara's lecherous thoughts out loud when her small hand took a grip of Tegan's breast. As sore as she caused it to be, as much as Tegan craved that connection once again.

Time did not really pass quickly. It passed slowly, very slow that Tegan started counting numbers in her head in order to be in Sara's class again.

When she left that morning, Sara had returned to bed once again. She didn't have to be around the university until the class she gives Tegan. How lucky was she to hug her bed while Tegan suffered a long list of classes while waiting for her face to meet Sara's again. She wondered what would her professor be doing when she arose. Most certainly, she was going to get that much needed cold shower to wash off any trace of their morning conduct. However, another thought stroke Tegan's head. Sara could have performed libidinous deeds with her own fingers to get herself rid of the sensual desire she held in her voice and her actions. Perhaps that was not a very suitable imagination while one is having lunch with their friends at university.

Whenever one spoke about a matter, Tegan wandered off to her own fantasy of Sara and her majestic fingers. "I would fucking kill someone just to know who you're sleeping with." Even when Jeremy voiced his confusion, Tegan was not aware he was addressing her. He shook his head while she smiled to utter space.

Lindsey threw her own exaggerated gasp. "You're sleeping with someone?" She exclaimed a bit too loud. Perhaps it was the wake up call she needed in order to focus and give her friends a fraction of her head and time. "Who are you sleeping with? Is he cute?" Oh right, she had not come out to Lindsey. And maybe Lindsey was way to dumb to see it. She needn't come out in the first place. If people saw it, let them do, if they did not, then she needn't say a thing. Just the way Sara did it. She does not care. Just the way Sara said it.

"I am not sleeping with anybody." She giggled, a bit nervously, a bit angrily. She spied Emy's slight roll of the eyes. She really was not sleeping with any person, yet. "Look, you guys." She huffed, making up a lie, to her two friends, the third did not need one. "I am really not seeing nor sleeping with anybody. I just love spending time with a friend I recently met." Not a proper one, cringe worthy a little, but it was Tegan, and Tegan's lies were worse than her truths.

"A friend that we don't know? Since when?" Her guy friend squinted his suspicious eyes. He stared at her long and hard. She threw him a gummy smile, hoping it might work the way it worked on Sara.

"Yup." She made a pop sound with her lips. "You all have other friends who I barely know, so why can't I have one?" Her friends had many friends. Emy had plenty of friends who she mostly slept with. Jeremy had many friends as well. And for sure, popular Lindsey had a numerous amount of friends. Except her, Sara was her secret friend. "I just figured if Emy and I spent some time apart, things would be a bit better." She hoped her friend could see she was only trying to adorn her lie, not really needing to look through their conflict again.

But Lindsey, who was clueless to the embarrassing drunken night between the two girls, asked with puzzlement, "Wait, what happened?"

The two girls looked at each other. Emy's cheeks burned with a crimson hue, Tegan bit her lip as she was trying to form another lie. Her friend was way quicker, and much better in such a process. "We got into an argument with each other. It was really stupid. I kinda overreacted and so. But we made up." And Emy gave a grin that showed her pearly whites in order to hide her lie and make it more believable.

By the time Sara's class occurred, Tegan was already ahead of all her classmates with eager leg shaking and heart drumming excitement. She sat there in the first row toying with her phone as a student after another entered the class. She heard whispers and she heard what they were talking about. She had always heard students bitching and moaning about Sara's behaviors and her attitude. But somehow, at that time, she was triggered to throw a glower their way whenever she heard the word Bitch directed to Sara, who was not a bitch at all, but a sweet, sugary desert that she couldn't wait to devour.

Her roommate later arrived with a sigh of relief that she had made it on time. She plopped on the seat next to Tegan's, who on her part, seemed to exceed the levels of exhilaration and gaiety with her gigantic smile and the swaying of her body from side to another. Her friend couldn't help but giggle at the sight. "A little excited, aren't ya?" Tegan grinned only wider to confirm it.

It's amazing how she had a warm-hearted kind of friend. The one who laughed when she did, cried when she did, gave support when she needed, stayed away when she pleaded, did not hold a grudge for too long, only able to hate for a little bit. If she could, she would give everything to Emy's desiring heart, but she couldn't. It was not her who controlled the pulsating affection her insides flowed along with the blood they carried.

And then, Sara Clement entered the class the same way she always ran when relishing something. She said her greetings and hurriedly reached out for the sheet of names in order to take attendance. Whenever her eyes came in contact with Tegan's, her smile grew bigger than the one she already had painted on her mouthwatering lips. Tegan licked her own at the sight.

They were in the middle of discussing the short story _"My Oedipus Complex"_, Sara and a couple of students were heavily engrossed in discussion, while Tegan spent the class in lip biting and admiration to the elegant woman standing before her. "I know Freud's theory of Oedipal Complex had been proved wrong, but what if?" Sara asked. "What if it is not wrong? It does not have to be about a mother and a child. Perhaps twins?" She shrugged. A couple of students seemed to be disgusted with the idea. Emy was one of the students Sara was discussing the theory with. Tegan was in her own world, holding her pen between her knees while her eyes were wandering and wide.

"Well that is a different theory." Commented Emy.

Sara sighed. "I know. But let's look at it this way. Perhaps the codependency can alter their feelings towards each other. Or much like this story, can only affect one of them, maybe." She paused. Tegan's eyes had met hers once again. But this time, her vision flew to the pen, which was now between Tegan's thighs, and back up to her face. Emy looked at the pen while a hint of confusion coloured her facial expression. "Tegan Rain," Sara called. "if you're not going to pay attention, you may leave this class." She said in her firm octave. The gorgeous smirk plastered on her lips.

Tegan bit her own and gave a nod. "I'm sorry." She apologized. Sara proceeded, but Tegan did not pay an ounce of attention, she only played a scene that she was, or perhaps Sara pretended she was easily fooled with her mediocre acting skills.

The end of Sara's class left her stuck to her own chair while the students left, she didn't know what she was waiting for. Sara gathered her papers while slightly taking glances at Tegan. Emy had left the class on her own, and Tegan assumed she wanted to leave the two women alone.

Keys clenched in a tight grip, Sara walked to her student with swift movement, and also swiftly, she moved the dangling metal object inside Tegan's own hand. She relished at the sight of her special gate to heaven. Even though she understood what Sara had meant with her action, Sara voiced it in words as well, "I have two classes to give. Go home and I'll meet you there in two hours."

Sara whispered her plea for her student to head home. Her own home. Not Tegan's. Tegan had no home in this city, she had never considered her shared space with her friend as her home. But the way Sara said it, it moved a gentle passion towards her. That warm sweet feeling she usually felt in her lower abdomen returned as she was handed the key to Sara's home, Sara's heart, Sara's bed.

Waiting for her right outside the classroom, was her friend. While she and Sara parted, she and Emy walked back to her dorm. Emy did not ask any curious questions, and Tegan was certain that her friend wasn't able to hear Sara's whispers and Sara's keys. Nonetheless, Tegan was the curious one. Questions trickled inside her peripatetic mind. Questions she couldn't bear but gain bashfulness and modesty upon asking them. "I want to ask you a couple of questions, but I don't know how to ask them. It's kinda awkward." Tegan had followed her friend back to their dorm. She figured preparing her most needed things in order to spend the day and night at Sara's was becoming an exhausting task, she wished to move most of her clothing in order to spend the days there. She didn't have to go to the university in the following day, but she packed more than what she needed only to be on the safe side.

Emy was resting on her bed. Her friend was awfully quiet since the morning, and Tegan already knew she played a part in that. "It's fine Tee, you can ask anything." Her friend huffed even though she did not mind.

She wanted to sit on her bed, she wanted to say what's inside her head. She bit her lip and timidly moved to where her roommate's feet rested. She sat on the edge of the mattress, careful and cautious not to stir any peaceful anguish her friend was facing. "When I, you know, when we..." Perhaps the question seemed too absurd to be said out loud rather than whispered inside her mind. "Did I make you, you know, come?" The only way to avoid Emy's sly smirk was to look to the other direction. Her entire face burned.

Emy sat up and bent her knees, her tiny hands rested there as she allowed a soft giggle to escape her throat. "You did." She answered, causing Tegan to have her eyes focused in the previous direction once again. "I told you it wasn't bad at all. You haven't done it yet to anybody?" And by anybody, Emy meant Sara, their professor.

"I haven't." She whined, slouching a bit. "She seems so fucking experienced, and I don't even know how to eat a girl out." She pouted with a scowl.

"Whoa there." Emy giggled. "Did she do it to you?"

"No. We didn't do anything." She smiled sheepishly.

The friend pressed her lips together, an attempt to disguise her smirk. "When she does it, you will know. Don't worry about it. It'll come naturally."

_It will come naturally_. She repeated her friend's words while she spent the rest of her time waiting for Sara in the empty apartment. She wished she was able to cook, she would have prepared a savory meal that Sara would devour and moan at the taste of. She looked in Sara's fridge and she rummaged through her cabinets. It appeared that her professor had already went grocery shopping while she was busy imagining her on her large bed with closed eyes and hands inside her pajama pants.

Staring at uncooked meat was not really going to make it cook itself. She was becoming rather bored while waiting. It was half past four in the evening, only half an hour left for Sara's last class of the day. In that half an hour, Tegan decided to shower. She took a hold of her jean shorts and a purple V neck, white boxer briefs, and a black sport's bra. Her clothes in one hand and her towel in the other, she walked to the bathroom and locked the door.

She sang in the shower, enjoyed the warm water, and used Sara's coconut shampoo. She thought about Sara, and she thought about their kisses in that morning. She craved and yearned for them to happen again. She and Sara will have a good night kiss instead of an awkward hug this evening when they both return to bed. They will hold each other again as the previous night and Tegan will make sure that she would not perform any of her childish habits while held in Sara's tiny, warm embrace.

When Tegan left the bathroom, she found Sara lying on her side on the bed they are sharing at the moment, Sara's bed. Her striped yellow and green socks contrasting with her formal attire. Sara smiled upon meeting Tegan. She looked as if she needed sleep, her hair fell on the pillow and her two eyes were very sweet and tired looking. She looked as natural as natural beauty can be.

But Sara still managed to sit up as she yawned, her smile never leaving her face. "I thought you didn't come here at first, but then I saw your bag and heard the water from the bathroom. Thought perhaps I could join you in the shower but the door was locked." She also managed to wink. And also managed to cause Tegan to blush and bite her lower lip.

"Didn't you get your cold shower this morning?" She smirked. Once again, filthy images of Sara filling up her mind.

As she sat beside her professor, making fierce, fiery eye contact, she couldn't help but gaze at the puffy lips that Sara owns. They appeared to be very delicious and inviting. "I did." Sara's minty breath almost took her into a trance, she closed the gap between the two. "But I want one more." She breathed again while her eyes were on Tegan's lips now. "The way you had that pen between your thighs, it turned me on so much. It was so hard to give a class while I had crude thoughts in my mind." Tegan giggled. Sara's lips were brushing hers at the moment. She was humoured with the idea that her professor was struggling as much as she was. A picture almost impossible to be painted inside her mind, but somehow it was. The gap was murdered once again, their lips joined in a sweet, passionate kiss. Tegan smiled through it. Sara's hand were on her waist.

The kiss lasted for a while. Sara licked and bit her student's lower lip. Tegan continued smiling even when their tongues collided in the sweetest of battles. Small kisses kept being planted on her lips each and every second. Slowly, her body succumbed and fell onto the mattress, with the older woman's body right on top. Kisses never stopped, wetting her lips and her jaw. Her hands traveled and found their rest on Sara's ass. And Sara for sure released the faintest moan that only her student could feel through the open mouthed kisses. The fabric of Sara's black trousers was rough against her soft palms, she wished she obtained the sufficient courage in order to remove them, perhaps she would meet a thin silky fabric that barely covered the milky flesh that Sara owned. She would want to remove that as well, she would want for the skin of her palms to touch the certainly soft skin of Sara's bum. She would pinch and squeeze, she would perhaps guide her hand elsewhere. A place she couldn't think she would get enough courage to touch unless she was directed by Sara's own hands. The thoughts made her gulp. The gulp caused Sara to pause the kisses she was planting all over her face, lips and jaw. They stared at each other once again. She could see it, lust. It tortured her and it made Sara's irises become darker than usual. Sara once again closed the unwanted gap between them, but she did not take Tegan's lip between her own, she merely brushed them. Her tongue wet the lower lip, and that's when Tegan's vocal chords betrayed her, they released a whiny sound causing Sara's teeth to bite the abused flesh of her lip. Sara released one of her hushed moans again. She could barely hear Sara, the woman was much too quiet, while she was loud and whiny when she ached for more.

Sara released the poor lower lip, but once again, she did not depart their brushed flesh. She breathed, however, causing the younger woman to inhale her breath in. "Do you have any idea how much I want you?" Sara's craving came in pronounced whispers. That deep octave she carried within her caused Tegan to swallow back one of her embarrassingly needy moans, but they threatened to be shouted at any moment. It made her embarrassed she was not yet touched and still that vocal while in Sara's embrace. It made her nervous to think what Sara's hands could fire within her when they come in contact with her heated naked skin. "Tegan," Sara asked, not in a whisper, but a firm loud tone. She raised her body up, it was no longer melting with Tegan's. Tegan missed the warm connection. "I want to have sex with you." Sara swallowed, and her eyes, Tegan was almost sure, they were watering pearls. She gave a nod. She wanted to have sex with Sara too, but her mind was far too unfocused to vocal her consent. "I need you to say it is okay if we have sex right now. I need to hear that it is okay for me to touch you right now."

Sara demanded a vocal consent. It was hard to swallow the lump in her throat. One filled with entranced lust that she had never imagined her body would be aware of. "Yes." She swallowed one more time. "It is okay if you touched me right now." She nodded. She nodded to herself and to Sara. Her nerves battling with her and her heart drummed quicker than ever. Technically, that would be her first time being touched, at least sober. She wondered if Sara saw through her anxiety at the moment, she wondered if Sara was able to tell she had never been touched in such a way, at least that's what she had been told.

Sara grinned, and perhaps that grin, just for a second, erased a piece of her tension. But right afterward, Sara's lips returned to her own, and they kissed once again, but this time, it was a hungry kiss, a needy one, at least in Sara's part. She was in need for Sara too, but she wasn't able to show it properly due to her unstoppable thoughts. She pondered about how Sara's first time was, and when did it happen. She assumed when she was in high school, but did not know when exactly. She wondered if it was with a boy or if it was with a girl, she wondered if Sara was nervous as she is at the moment.

The feeling of her blouse being slightly pushed further to reveal her abdomen drove her thoughts to a speeding halt. Her eyes gazed down as Sara's soft hand pushed the purple fabric upward slowly and gently. Sara looked at her once again, a beautiful smile on her lips. She assumed Sara was requesting permission to direct the material off her body, therefore, she gave a nod. After that nod, Sara rushed to remove her purple blouse off, leaving her feeling only a bit exposed. She had always paced in an underwear and a sports bra around Emy, never felt as nude as she did now. Perhaps Sara's lusty eyes caused her to feel so, perhaps Sara caused her to feel so, solely because she was Sara.

She felt more kisses but on her neck instead of her lips, her lips became tired, but somehow they craved more. Sara's soft kisses quickly shifted and altered to ravenous sucks on her pulse point, beneath the angry bones of her collar, behind her fleshed ears, on top of her pale upper chest. No longer able to bite back on her need, Tegan released a moan that caused Sara to smile while her tongue wet the visible skin. Tegan felt the triumphant smile, she blushed more, wondering if her professor liked her loud screams or it was just as embarrassing to hear as it was to make.

Once again, Sara's lips departed her body, and her eyes scanned her own. Upon staring into orbs of red fire, Sara had taken her chance to cup both of her breasts through the thin fabric of her bra. It's as if her nipples were that eager for the touch, they hurried to make a stand by hardening and thickening, they wanted Sara's palms, they loved Sara's palms. Sara's eyes never left hers as she kneaded the soft mounds. She squirmed and whined in return, wishing she was able to cover her coy face with her own hands. Sara's eyes were deeply staring at hers and it brought every self-conscious sensation back to her system. "Sara?" Her whiny voice caused the older woman to pause her touches. "Turn off the light." She whispered, she wouldn't want to be fully exposed with shiny red lights dangling from the ceiling.

She only earned a nod from Sara, she feared she had crossed the line, said something that turned the woman off, perhaps Sara figured out she had never been in such a situation while utterly sober and is not into the act of sex anymore. But soon enough, her doubts were vanishing, Sara smiled. "Will that make you more comfortable?" A peck on her cheek followed the question. She nodded, and Sara dimmed the room hastily, leaving only a faint red light coming from the lamps on each bedside table. She could still make Sara's features clearly, but the dimness of the room brought more comfort to her system, she felt less exposed even when Sara was undressing her.

When her shorts were gone, her legs were tightly shut, the wet patch on the crotch of her briefs could be notable even amidst the darkness, she wouldn't want Sara to smirk upon seeing it, she would feel deep shame and embarrassment. "Why don't you lie on the pillow so you can be more comfortable? You seem pretty nervous." And a peck on her lips followed the suggestion. She hadn't realized she was lying horizontally on the bed until Sara mentioned it.

Sitting up required an energy that she was slowly losing due to the sexual arousal that invaded her body, leaving her in a state of need and thirst. She managed to fix the way her posture rested on the bed, her head met the fluffy white pillow which Sara had slept on the previous night. Her legs are still tightly shut, which seemed to cause Sara a struggle to be on top of her. "Take off your clothes." She ordered once again. Perhaps Sara being as exposed would ease the tension inside her belly. Sara did not mind the command, she hurriedly unbuttoned her blue shirt, and even more quickly slipped her dark pants off. Her socks followed, and much to Tegan's surprise, her lacy white bra did too. The scene was too much to take for Tegan, but Sara did not stop right there, she also slid her panties down her legs. Tegan gasped against her will, and Sara grinned for sure when their eyes met. Sara's breasts were smaller than hers, her pink nipples were already hard. Sara had no hair on her mound, not at all, but the closer she paced to her, Tegan could tell it was newly shaved, she assumed she shaved in the morning. She wished she had taken the time to shave hers, feeling slightly insecure with the fact that Sara might not desire a triangle of hair, it only caused her to squeeze her legs shut even more, and the gesture caused her juices to seep out of her underwear and crawl on each inner thigh. But that did not worry her no more, since the closer Sara's body inched to her own, the more visible the glistening lips of Sara's pussy shone.

Sara attempted to hover on top of her, she attempted to part her legs, she failed. Tegan's closed legs were between Sara's parted ones. She could tell that Sara was trying not to lower her body more and touch the skin of her thighs with her dripping folds. She felt a hand attempting to remove her bra, she thought it's only fair to help and allow her to take it off. She lifted her body and Sara managed to pull it out of her head. She hurried to cover her now exposed chest with her arms, but Sara's need seemed to be quicker and more efficient. With a swift movement she held her student's arms above her head, she lowered her own and with her soft lips, planted kisses above her perky full breasts. Tegan gasped again, and again, and again. Moans and loud groans formed after each gasp had escaped her tightly bitten lip. Her nipples took turns in being sucked and licked and it felt achingly wonderful. Sara's warm tongue flicked one nipple as the other was tightly squeezed between her index and middle fingers. Slowly, it started to ache whenever Sara's lips increased the pressure or her teeth gently bit the sensitive bud. Sara would look at her each now and then in order to have affirmation to continue fondling her breasts. That time, when she looked, Tegan shook her head and Sara's lips quickly neglected her breasts. "Tell me what you want and what you don't. Tell me what you like." The way her professor was whispering sent shivers down her spine. It felt sensual and exceedingly tender. Especially when she showered her belly with soft kisses, eyes still connected with her own, still waiting for a vocal response, which she granted with another groan.

Sara's sick voice was hot, she thought. Her body temperature was rather warm, and she was not sure if that's how Sara usually was, or she was dealing with a fever. Her hands wanted to check and make sure. She guided them down to Sara's arms, but the skin was soft and not filled with goosebumps. Sara once again stared into her eyes. She wondered how her honey irises would look in shrieking lights, the dimness calmed their intensity, making them appear as tranquil as the silent sea. But in lights, she was certain she would glimpse hints of yellow fire blazing inside the small balls.

She was soon taken away from her thoughts upon realizing that Sara was making an effort in sliding her boxers down her legs. She almost kicked Sara in the abdomen as she shook her hands away. A perplexed squint clouded Sara's eyes. Tegan shuddered and deeply blushed. "I haven't shaved." She hoped Sara would hear her shy whisper, she hoped she wouldn't make her repeat her confession.

Sara, however, she giggled, sweetly and calmly giggled. "It's fine, baby." Her heart seemed to be on heated lead when that word escaped Sara's lips. She wanted to squeal as a kid, she wanted to hug Sara tightly and force her to repeat the word, she wanted to hear it again. It was way better than the plain _Tegan_ and the judgmental _Thunder Girl_. _Baby_ was sweet and loving, the way Sara is. "Tegan, are you sure you're okay with this?" Sara asked. "You seem really nervous and tensed up."

She was caught, a virgin nineteen year old with an experienced woman, she is caught. "Yes. I'm sorry." She didn't want to admit it, however. Instead, she took a breath, shut her eyes and slowly slid her own underwear down her legs. Sara helped her slipping it off, she threw it away, to wherever her bra and the rest of her clothes were, somewhere on the floor, she assumed, perhaps in different corners in the room.

Sara took a breath, with two hands she parted her legs, finally able to sit between them, finally able to take a look at her wet folds and swollen clit. "You're really beautiful, you know." She complimented her, Tegan smiled and softly caressed her arm. Sara's gorgeous too, she thought. She wished she had the courage to voice it, but her anxiety was building up in ways she had never imagined. She feared her threatening tears could run down her lids at any second. Sara took another look between her legs, she wondered if Sara was able to see anything in the darkness. She was definitely able to breath in the aromatic scent of her arousal, as Tegan was able to smell it too. Her arousal screamed and spoke loudly through the thickness of her fluids, wetting the blanket beneath. Wetting Sara's fingers when she touched her softly.

Tegan hurriedly shut her legs once again, subconsciously and without any awareness. The feeling alone of strange hands touching her bundle of nerves caused her to jolt and gasp. Sara looked at her once again, she parted her legs one more time, keeping her hand to support Tegan's left thigh, in case she tried to squeeze it with the right one once again. She felt Sara's index and thumb tracing the wetness of her folds, she felt the way her index massaged her slit, not making any entry yet, only causing her to want it more and more, only causing her to moan her need for it louder and louder. "You like that?" Sara smiled, Tegan nodded with another groan. "You're really wet, and your pussy smells really nice." She swallowed and absentmindedly turned her face to the side, biting her lower lip as her bashful heart drummed quicker than before. Sara's words were driving her to the edge. She wanted more. "You're really shy, why are you really shy?" Sara asked and gained no answer whatsoever. She couldn't answer, she didn't know what to say. She was shy because nobody had ever spoken to her that way, nobody had ever used such vulgar vocabulary in her presence. Jenn never did, and with Emy, that one time they attempted to indulge in sex, her mother called before any vulgarity could mingle within their physical contact, the second time, however, she still did not remember, she could have been the one who'd been vulgar, but she did not remember.

Her thoughts were interrupted again when she felt it, she felt and she gasped the loudest since Sara had started touching her. Her legs again shut tightly, but this time around Sara's head, while Sara's tongue licked her clit slowly and roughly. But Sara halted her action, once again she detached her legs from each other, this time, holding both with her hands. One more time, she raised her head and her eyes met Tegan's. She was able to see it, Sara's eyes were concerned and Tegan was able to see it. Sara sighed. "You're shaking, your thighs are shaking." She did not provide any answer, no head motion, no gesture, no facial expression. She wouldn't know how to respond. "Baby," Sara said again, and she wanted to smile, but she didn't. "this is your first time, isn't it?" And here it was, Sara knew. Of course she would know. She was a shaking, shuddering mess while Sara was the confident beauty. "Why didn't you tell me, Tegan?" Sara had let go of her legs, she shifted her body and slowly rested her head beside Tegan's. It was over, their attempt of sexual intercourse was cut short because of how nervous she is, leaving her juices trailing on each side of her thighs and on the bed, leaving her need to increase without an aid from Sara's fingers or perhaps her tongue.

She allowed for her tears to silently smudge her cheeks. She knew Sara was looking at her, she knew Sara was watching her cry, again. Her fingers rubbed her own eyes as she was trying to comprehend the reason behind her emotional burst. "I don't know what to say to you, Tegan. I didn't know this is your first time. I really didn't." Sara seemed sorry, she seemed ashamed.

"It's not exactly my first time, I just don't remember my first time or what I've done in it. I mean, I guess I am still a virgin if we're talking about the stereotypical _'you're virgin until you enter something inside your vagina'_ but the time I had sex I was drunk and I don't remember anything." Her tears stopped, but her voice was groggy and a tad raspier than usual.

Sara nodded slightly, she had always done that when she seemed to be thinking. "Why don't you tell me about it? Maybe it would make you feel better. Did it happen recently?"

"Yes." Tegan nodded. What if Sara was able to see the red marks on her chest in the past days she'd been spending with her? They were gone, but what if Sara's supernatural looking eyes were able to see more than she could?

"Do you know who you slept with?"

She did, but she didn't want to inform Sara that the girl she touched five days ago was her best friend, and Sara's greatest enemy, Emy. "Is it Emily?" Of course clever Sara would know. Of course she wouldn't be able to harbor the truth with her silence.

She gave a nod, however. "I was seriously drunk, I was really angry at you. I guess my mind decided to kind of get back at you while taking advantage of her. I don't know. I don't remember. She told me what we did, though. She said that..." She wasn't going to continue, no way in hell she was going to continue.

"Did she rub your clit?" Sara's confidence in words took her aback, she wished she owned it.

"I was in my underwear, I mean that's what she said, and I kind of was...sitting on her thighs, and..." She paused once again.

Sara's giggle took her by surprise, she blushed again. "I get it, I get it. That's hardly sex, honey. That's basically like humping your pillow or rubbing your own clit." She decided not to provide more words, a part of her ashamed, a part of her offended, a part of her wanting Sara to be more flexible with her and less motherly in the way she spoke. She thought she would spare Sara the details of her touching Emy. Even though she did not seem the least angry that it was Emy who she had that stimulation or foreplay with, she knew better than to increase Sara's jealousy by giving her information about causing Emy to reach orgasm by fingering her.

When Tegan did not say more, Sara proceeded. "You know," Sara sighed. "I had a friend like Emy, actually I still have her. She's my best friend." she chuckled. "Her name is Stacy." Tegan looked at her. Sara was staring at the ceiling above, Tegan admired the way her breasts arose whenever she breathed, and the way her nipples were still hard, and the way her legs were slightly parted, feeling utter confidence within her body, her tiny gorgeous body. "Stacy and I knew each other since we were pretty young. We were each other's firsts. She's straight, though."

"Did you love her?" The question quickly formed inside her head and was quickly released out of her lips.

"Hell no." Sara chortled. "She's my best friend, I love her as that only. She's the one who gave me Jack's number when I went to the US. She said I should contact him so I don't feel lonely and be bored with my books." Sara chuckled once again, this time with a bitter tone. "Anyway, we were used to kiss and make out since we were both twelve. We used to hide in my room and make out the way we saw them do on TV. We were practicing for the real deal. That's what we used to say to each other. One time when we were fourteen, it kind of gotten out of control, I guess. We discovered each other's bodies for the first time. I had never even touched myself before or paid that much attention, I don't think she did as well. But we touched each other's bodies and discovered what we liked and didn't like that day."

Tegan was trying to imagine it. A fourteen year old Sara seated in front of another fourteen year old girl as well, both of them naked, both of them staring at each other in bewilderment. Both of them touching each other's breasts, squirming and giggling at the electrical jolts the sensation brought to them. Both of them gasping at each other's wetness, and both of them discovering what could bring joy to their nerves and what could be unlikable.

"It was really cold that day, we hid under the quilt. My parents were out of the town and I was supposed to stay alone and be a _good girl_." She and Sara both giggled at Sara's rebellion. "We spent all day trying everything. She had an orgasm before me and asked me how I did it, I honestly didn't know back then. I told her I just rubbed right there. She did it to me too and I had one as well. We were really naive, all we knew was the movies we watched and nothing else. But we knew how sex did work, we knew we could try our fingers since we did not have the real thing. So we did it, and it was really bad at first. We couldn't make each other come and it was really painful for me, her thrusts were really rough."

She was enjoying Sara's tale of her first time, but it was causing her to be more aroused and she had no idea why. Perhaps the fact that she was imagining Sara nude and being the one pleasured was something she had never imagined, she had always imagined Sara pleasuring her, or pleasuring herself, but never being pleasured by anybody. "Soon enough we figured it out." Sara continued. "And since ever Stacy became my sex buddy. Even after break ups, if both of us were single, we would sleep with each other. She's still straight, however. I guess I'm the only exception, only because I was her first maybe, or her best friend and knew how her body reacted and what it liked and what it didn't." Sara looked at her now. A smile upon her lips. "That's why I get jealous from Emy, I suppose. I always imagine you guys as the way Stacy and I were. I've always thought you slept with her dozens of times, that's why I wasn't really shocked when you told me. "

"I haven't. I don't feel anything sexual towards her. She doesn't really turn me on even though I've seen her half naked and topless. I don't know. I'm just not really into her." She felt guilty admitting it, but she needed to assure Sara that she was the only woman she was in love and in lust with. "Should I be worried about Stacy, though?" She bit her lip, a ghost of a smirk appearing on them.

Sara smirked too. "No, not at all. Stacy is happily married, lives in Vancouver, and has the cutest two year old baby girl ever." She watched Sara sitting up slowly, her breasts becoming fuller as she sat, she craved to touch them, but another thing caught her eyes. She hadn't been able to see it until now, when Sara's abdomen was at her eye level. The faint line of stitches in her lower abdomen. Her hand unconsciously flew to where her jutting hipbones were, they traced the skin softly, feeling the slight roughness of that line in particular. Sara was looking at her. "They had to perform a C-section to take her out." It was a her that Sara had lost. She wondered if Sara gave her a name, she wondered if Sara bought her clothes, if she prepared the nursery, if she read the pregnancy books, if she was already arranging the baby shower. Her own heart hurt at the thought, she took her hand off Sara's scarred abdomen, not wanting to bring harsh memories back to her professor's brain.

She sat up as well, facing Sara this time. Sara grinned at her and she showed her gummy smile in return. "Can I tell you something?"

"Yes." Sara answered.

"You are really gorgeous." She grinned and Sara threw her head back with laughter. "And I think I really love you." She bit her lip, not sure what Sara's reaction would be. She hoped it wouldn't push her farther away.

Sara however, she moved her palm to Tegan's right breast, gently kneading it as she seemed to think. She traced her erect pink nipple. "I think I do too." Sara whispered. She did not say the word love, but she said she does as well. Tegan did not want to push her. She only watched her as she played with her breast, softly squeezing the hard nipple, softly massaging her left arm with her other hand. Without realization, Tegan pushed her body closer to Sara's, and Sara did so too. Their noses brushed and their lips did so too. Sara playfully licked Tegan's lower lip and hid her tongue back in her mouth once again. "Want to try again?" She whispered. Tegan agreed with not only a nod but a passionate kiss that closed the gap completely between them. She smiled through the kiss as she felt Sara's breasts pressed on her own. She enjoyed the sensation of erect nipples coming in contact with each other.

Soon enough she was back in the same position on Sara's bed. Only this time, her breathing had evened, her heart pounded normally and did not feel as if it was to jump out of her chest. Her legs were apart as Sara sat between them, she was way more comfortable, and way more eager to feel the joy and delight that she had been craving for since the day she had fallen for that charming woman. Sara brushed the patch of curls on her mound before she guided her fingers back between her lips. She was still wet, Sara's index became drenched once again. "If you don't like something tell me, alright?" Sara's hot breath hit her hungry clit when she asked. She didn't even require an answer, she aimed for the engorged button and took it between her lips.

Tegan returned to her loud and noisy pleasured sounds. Even though biting her lip was helping to calm her screams of joy, Sara's lips sucked, her tongue flicked her clit and it brought her a pleasure that she wasn't able to keep quiet while experiencing, one she had never experienced or imagined. When Sara removed her lips, her tongue continued its twirling and circling, increasing the euphoria Tegan was feeling. Her tongue ran through her slit and back again licked her swollen bud. She repeated this action until Tegan was shaking and squirming between her arms. Sara's hands were on each thigh, softly and soothingly stroking them. They were sticky with her fluids and Sara slightly pinched at the full flesh each now and then.

She felt herself getting close, she felt herself reaching new levels of ecstasy each time the tip of Sara's tongue touched her where she needed the most. "Sara," She cried.

Sara looked up at her. "Yes baby?" She had called Sara's name while her eyes were closed, not realizing that she had called it until Sara neglected her pussy and looked up with concerned orbs at her. "You're close, babe?" She gave a nod. "Don't come just yet." But she couldn't handle it, if Sara touched her once more she would reach her orgasm, she needed to reach it.

"I can't." She whispered.

"Yes, you can." Sara pecked her clit one last time, her index finger replacing her tongue between her slit. "I am going to enter you, is that okay?"

"Ya." She quickly nodded. A tad more nervous with the possibility of pain that she might feel, but mostly, she longed for Sara's finger to fill her inside and massage her walls.

"If it really hurts you and you hate it tell me to stop."

The tip of Sara's finger was already tickling her entrance. She was well lubricated with her own juices and mightily aroused, it caused the process of entering Sara's index inside her less painful and quicker than she thought. Sara pushed her index slowly inside, it was just a bit disturbing at first, it caused her to squeeze her eyes shut, but seconds later the unfamiliar feeling was vanishing. Sara slipped her index slightly out until the tip, only to push it in a bit quicker than the first time. "Is that good? Tell me how do you feel."

Tegan opened her eyes only to meet Sara's gorgeous ones staring at her, Sara was now on top, her body hovered but did not press. "Strange. It kinda feels different."

"It's because you're really tight. You haven't ever done that to yourself before?" Sara's questions were distracting her from the discomfort she was feeling, which was slowly altering to pleasure whenever Sara slipped out of her in order to push inside once again.

She fiercely flushed and she was sure, even through the murk, Sara was able to sense it and perhaps see it. "No." She whispered.

The soft in and out action increased and thickened to quick and slightly hard thrusts. She shut her eyes once again, not out of discontent anymore, but solely to enjoy the delight of Sara's finger inside of her. Sara must have felt the ease she was feeling, she finally pressed her body on top of Tegan's, joining their breasts together. Her clit back being stimulated and circled by Sara's soft thumb, the right and left motion going along with the in and out one, dragging Tegan to resume her cries of merriment.

Sara's tongue joined in to increase the pleasure if that was possible. She spread wet kisses on each part of her neck and chest. She sucked for a while on the flesh atop her pink nipple, then pecking one nipple and the other whenever Tegan gasped or released a scream.

The usual feeling she often felt when she masturbated returned to her. Her orgasm slowly building up and she was able to feel it inside her lower abdomen. Whenever Sara's index massaged her insides she shuddered and shrieked until her walls were closing in on the tiny digit, making it harder for the thrusts to regain their speed. "You're gonna come, baby?" She groaned in response."Come on, come for me, Tegan." Sara's voice was no longer near her ears, it was a bit far. She opened her eyes and found Sara's head between her legs once again, Sara's digit still inside her.

The touch of Sara's tongue on her clit is all she needed to reach the edge and collapse. "Sara." She mouthed once again, she mouthed out of pure pleasure as she rode out her orgasm. Sara's digit slowing its pace. "Sara." She cried again as she came out of the state of sexual delight and nirvana. Sara's long tongue replaced her finger, wetting her already wet lips and tasting her juices as she dipped it in her slit.

Her body slowly regaining consciousness and returning to its natural state. Bit by bit, her breathing evened and her body relaxed. Sara's face no longer between her legs, which were far apart and exposed to the gentle breeze of air in the room. Her lids droopy and her body exhausted and ready to succumb. One palm over her belly and the other rested on the bed. That's the one Sara held as she crashed beside her, wheezing and panting as if she was the one being pleasured. Which reminded her, she should return the favour, her body was too weak to do so, but she must do that. She opened her eyes and found a smiling Sara with disheveled hair beside her. She smiled in return with sleepy eyes. "It's your turn." She mouthed.

Sara tenderly giggled. "No." She smiled again. "You're really tired, just get some sleep. I think we wasted the whole day in bed, it's like nine or something."

"But what about you?"

"I can take care of myself." Sara shrugged.

She wanted to touch her, even if she did not have the power to do so, she wanted to, she didn't want Sara to give in to self pleasure while she was there. "But that's not fair."

"It's okay, darling. Another time. We'll start with me next time." Sara assured her with a smile. Tegan agreed with a nod.

She felt her cheek being pecked as she closed her eyes. She also felt the blanket being slipped from beneath her and she felt it covering her frame. The warmth it radiated caused her body to resign quickly.

The last thing she heard was the bathroom's door being closed. Sara was no longer beside her. She thought that Sara was taking care of herself as she said inside the bathroom. Guiltily, she shed a few tears. She loved the way Sara treated her during sex, but something felt empty after it. Something seemed missing to her. Sara did not allow her to touch her body. She did not stay beside her until she slept. She thought about getting up and walking to the bathroom. She thought about deciding not to listen to Sara and give her what she needs instead of allowing her to give it to herself in the other room. She thought and thought but her thoughts were only inside her tired head. She only thought and did not perform.

She fell asleep before Sara could return and join her on the mattress. She fell asleep without Sara holding her in her arms as the previous night. She fell asleep thinking about Sara touching herself one door away. She fell asleep feeling bad that she did not touch her and give her the same pleasure she had just experienced. She fell asleep quickly and suddenly, without much resistance nor difficulty.

**...**

**May, 3rd 2043**

_Whatever happens with us, your body_

_will haunt mine — tender, delicate_

_your lovemaking…_

_the live, insatiate dance of your nipples in my mouth —_

_your touch on me, firm, protective, searching_

_me out, your strong tongue and slender fingers_

_reaching where I had been waiting years for you_

_in my rose-wet cave — whatever happens, this is._

Sara adored erotic poetry. She had many books of erotic poems. Mildly sexual ones or mightily erotic ones with details that would cause me to blush deep red whenever she read one out loud. When I met Stacy, her best friend, she told me that Sara wrote erotic poetry more than any kind of poetry. I wish I was able to read them. Not even Stacy had the access to them. She said that Sara told her she wrote erotic poems. Sara never allowed anybody to read her poetry. It was more of an escape to her. Her own zone when she needed to push the cruel world away from her. She would write and write and close the notebook. Nobody would dare to glance at it, I never dared to do so. That was Sara's shelter from reality, her own land, her own jungle of literature.

I asked her often why she had not thought of publishing her works. She said her works were private and for her only to read. I asked something I wish I had not asked. I said, "Who would read it after you die?" She replied with shadowed anger, "Even if I had children, I wouldn't want them to read it after I die. So don't worry, nobody in particular should. Whoever gets the hold of it shall be blessed with such a fantastic opportunity. It won't matter by then, anyway. It won't bring them gold or diamonds. These are just words I once thought and I liked to write them down." Most of the answer was sarcastic. That is why I did not reply. I preferred to stay quiet. I mostly preferred to stay quiet whenever Sara seemed too dark for me to reach or comprehend. I was too sensitive and she was too stiff.


	19. The Sara Drug

**Chapter 19: The Sara Drug.**

**May 3rd, 2043**

You know, I often wondered...you're damn right, I do wonder quite a lot. But really, I would sit in a setting much like this. Nature all around me. The green trees, the nice weather, the birds creeping in onto the silence, the breeze of the air, my coffee in my hand. I would imagine, that what if? What if Sara had not left? Let us just assume, that after I've done what I've done, she became vexed with me and ended what we had, she still did not leave. How could things be? Better that she left, you think that as well, right? I do too. Because let us just assume, let us ponder, let us think about it.

If she had not left, perhaps I would have taken another class with her by mistake. Who knows, perhaps it was the only option I had. As Sara, knowing Sara, she would come to class, she would notice me, but she would play it perfectly to make it seem that I am a new student she had never encountered. She would read my name on the list as if it was the first time she had read it. She would read it correctly, however. She would look at me with no smiles. She would no more wink. She would no more touch me. She would no more show any kind of affection towards me. She would be the ice cube she had imprisoned my heart inside of. No, she would not be dirty in treatment towards me. That is not how Sara played her games. Because, the game would be over. It was over. So when I am forced into her world again, and she is forced to teach me again, best thing to do is to ignore me, to ignore that she knew me, to start a new page just the way she always did. It is Sara, and Sara always got over it quickly. I never did.

**...**

A slow Thursday, a monotonous Thursday. A bone-chilling, head-aching Thursday. Rainy one indeed, as the past week. Frosty one as it appeared from the view outside the french window of Sara's living room.

Mentally, Tegan felt cold. Physically, she felt heated and she perspired during the day while doing her homework. Or while silently watching Sara cook, clean, read, sip cups of bitter coffee, write exams, arrange an evil idea for more homework to give, surf the internet, and throw a comment here and there.

First, there was the dreadful morning. That's when Tegan had mostly felt physically cold that day. She awoke several times, she returned to slumber several times. She awoke when Sara had left the mattress in the early morning. When she opened her tired eyes, Sara's nude form stood facing her. "Go back to sleep." Sara whispered.

She only remembers muttering, "I am cold."

She also remembers a smiling Sara. Perhaps she had smiled as well. She doesn't quite recall the events brightly. But she knows what she recalls, and that Sara was asleep on the side she had slept on the other two nights she spent at her place. While she remained asleep on the same area she had been touched by Sara the previous night. The sheets were no longer adorned with a wet spot between her legs when she completely awoke after hours of restless, exhausting sleep.

She as well recalls Sara faintly laughing. "It's because you're naked and exposed to the air." She doesn't recall she was exposed to the air, however. She thought she was tucked safely inside the warm quilt.

But then, another memory struck her mind. Sara had put her pillow between Tegan's arms. She had also raised the blanket to cover her nude form. "There you go." Sara whispered again. And a peck on her cheek followed.

Tegan fell asleep.

She thought about it as the day passed. She thought that it might have been one of those sweet Sara dreams. The aching departure of Sara from her mattress the night before might have caused her mind to have dreams of sweet Sara, the one she craved before her sad sleep the previous night. She wasn't sure if it was reality or a dream. But she recalled the events, she could not trust her mind, however.

The second time she woke up, light of the day had managed to pass its bleak daylight darkness from behind the curtains. Her eyelashes were stuck together and it caused her a tiny struggle to open her eyes. She managed to do so, however.

She was still holding the white pillow, still with no clothing on her body. No more cold, not hot as well, but she felt warm. The abusive silence inside the apartment was not a good help to keep her awake.

When she took a glance around her, she glimpsed at her phone, unbothered on the bedside table. She touched it for the first time since the previous day after returning from university. It was being charged, and Sara had not removed it from its charger to plug hers in and charge her own phone.

Tegan reached out for it, with squinted eyes, she read the time, only nine. Sara was still teaching her class full of students. She was still explaining, most probably stressing over an opinion that felt eerie to the young ears of her students. Most probably, arguing with another student about a theory her wild mind had come up with while sipping coffee and reading one of her books. Most probably, throwing an inappropriate joke at an inappropriate time that barely anybody was going to grasp the double meaning behind. Most probably, she was flirting with some girl in class.

And the the last thought was her halting point. The last thought where she stopped to over-think, over-stress, and over-worry herself back to another sleep.

The third sleep, unlike her dreamless night and her dreamless small sleeps, was injected with one of her quaint dreams. One she would rather not remember, nor speak about, one which was driven by utter anxiety and stark hollowness of thoughts.

She saw herself in a car. The car rushing quickly, way too quickly and she did not know how to drive. She wasn't able to reach the pedals, nor able to see through the mirror. She was too short and the vehicle far too large.

The car was steering itself through a tunnel of vagueness and sparkling blackness. A tunnel of mist and blindingly bright red lights. She shrieked, bawled, and wept as the vehicle directed her in a speeding rush that drove the spirits to fly out of her body, her heart to burst out of her chest.

But the car came to a stop. Her cries did too. Her heart and her sanity returned back to her body. She no longer was speeding in a tunnel. But now, she was parked in a street. Well, technically, the car was parked on its own, she hadn't done much but feel the freaky fright she had never felt.

She woke up, and the dream replayed inside her head. No tears stained her face, but her throat ached and it felt dry. She would get up and fetch a glass of water, but her body seemed too heavy to allow her such a favour. Therefore, she caved in, leaving her eyes wide open, her body spread on the mattress.

That was not the first time she had such a dream. She had often faced similar ones. The very first time she had had this dream of the misty bright tunnel and a car driving itself when she was only five. She remembers it clearly, she remembers it more than she remembers the sex Sara had given her the night before.

It was of a same setting, same events, except she was much younger, much smaller, more afraid. She also recalls that when the car came into a halt, a big woman opened the door for her to get out. The woman had smiled at her and helped her out of the damned car. It was her father's.

She doesn't know who the woman was, she never knew who that woman was, but she despised her for planting such a fear of driving, such a fear of such a dream within her since a very tender age.

Even though the woman had smiled, even though her whispers were sweet, Tegan still never liked that woman she had never encountered in real life.

"Good job, Tegan. You have made it. Now your journey ends." Said the cheery woman with the dark hair and the rosy full cheeks. She had Tegan's hand held in her big ones.

How come she had never found a meaning to this never stopping dream? How come she kept having it in different years? How come the woman had never appeared again? How come she had never met her? She had never found a metaphor for her or for the damned dream?

The fourth time she woke up was not by her will, not caused by a frightening dream, not caused by the light from the curtains, not caused by an alarm, but caused by a kind voice. A tender shake to her shoulder and kisses on her cheeks.

That was the best way one could wake you up.

A smiling Sara met her sleep-filled eyes as soon as she opened them. "Honey," Sara half asked, half commented. "do you know what's the time?" Sara shook her head. She did too, as a response. "It's almost one in the afternoon, babe." Yes, that dulcet word again, she fucking adored it. "How come you have slept that much? Are you still sick? Are you tired from last night?" Sara winked. She no longer blushed, however. Somehow her mind was racing with her heart, and it seemed that it was winning. That is why she didn't blush, she didn't bite her lower lip, she didn't smile in return, and that is why Sara stopped smiling. "Tegan, what's wrong?" Sara's serious tone didn't shake her to relieve the older woman with a fake _'Nothing is wrong.'_

She turned her head and buried her face in the pillow she was asleep on, the other one was still held between her arms. Sara reached for her forehead in order to check her temperature, and she did not flinch, but swiftly moved it away. "You don't have a fever." Sara announced, but gained no vocal response again. She received a shoulder shrug, a little of progress.

At that, Sara sighed. She no longer bothered with the sudden burst of bad mood that arose inside the incomprehensible shift of feelings that often touched Tegan. She left the younger woman to face the warm pillow. Drops of disappointment twinged her insides, the feeling flew until it reached her left wrist and danced on her forearms, the feeling of a clench in the chest, abandonment.

Her mother often acted the same after trying too hard to let her speak, but she wouldn't allow her stubborn mouth to free what's drenching her tongue. It wouldn't make her feel that way, it would only cause her to be even more angry and more stubborn. But when Sara left with no more trying, the feeling of rejection sat inside her, mingling with her fresh tears and the unknown reasons of why she often dealt with a fluctuating mood that drove the closest of hearts far away from her.

When she had finally managed to leave the messy sheets and the warm embrace of Sara's bed, go to the bathroom, take a look at her puffy eyes in the mirror, pee and brush her teeth, return to Sara's bedroom, the owner herself was present inside. No smile on her face, no words on her lips. She was discarding the sheets off the mattress. Her faint blue jeans replaced the smart pants she had chose in the morning. Her grey t-shirt tucked inside, and her hair neatly combed, not allowing her adorable fringe to block her sight.

Tegan, however, was still glowingly naked, still in the terrible mood she had dragged from the gulf of her sleep, still ignored by Sara in the room.

Sara barely took any glances at her. Perhaps one when she left the bathroom, one while bending to pick her underwear off the floor, and one when the zipping of the hoodie she covered her nude torso with made a sound that caused Sara to stare once again, for merely a second. Afterwards, she would return to cleaning her room, picking every piece of clothing she and her student (but mostly herself) had thrown in each nook inside the room, replacing them all on the newly made bed.

Tegan left the room and left Sara inside, walked to the small space that is the kitchen searching for something to fill her growling stomach with. She hadn't consumed a thing since the previous day, at university. Cereal would be a good choice, except she abhorred milk, it made her sick to her stomach just to smell it. She settled on boiling two eggs, since it's the only thing she was familiar with.

Despite the fact that she had neglected the poor eggs inside the boiling water for too long, despite the fact that she had caused Sara a rush of mumbled rambling about how she should have just asked her for something to eat, despite the constant eye rolls, and the hiding behind the shelter of the hat of her big black hoodie while blocking Sara out of her view, she still managed to get a taste of the eggs, abandoning the yolk and only eating the white part, gaining more rants from Sara that she just didn't care about. Rants that sounded like her mother's, rants she didn't want to hear from a lover.

The over worrying and the rants were not over. When she called her mother that afternoon, she didn't know what to speak about in particular. Usually, she would excitedly and with enthusiasm blabber about the events of the previous week. Who said what, and who did what. But what could she fill her mother in? That she had half slept with her roommate, slept with her professor, and all of a sudden they were a thing? All of sudden the course of their relationship had altered in stages; first from sneaky mind games, then sweet kisses and touches, and today to a cold war between the two that she had caused not knowing why. She couldn't tell her mother that, instead she preferred the, '_Not much, everything's boring.'_ lie as she glanced at Sara who sat opposite to her on the couch, correcting papers as it seemed.

"What do you mean nothing happened? Did you have another fight with Emy? Are you okay? Did something happen?" Her mother's worried questions accompanied her usual cheery tone.

A roll of an eye that she couldn't see was Tegan's response, followed by an irritated huff which caused the older woman to lift her busy head up and look in her direction, two pairs of glaring eyes met for a second, both shifted their focus away after. "There's nothing wrong, I'm just busy with school, so much fucking homework and fucking quizzes." She heard her mother tsk as each _'fuck'_ left her mouth, she rolled her eyes again, a ghost of a smile appearing and quickly disappearing at the sight of Sara's focused gaze at her.

**...**

She fanned herself with her own hand while typing in another response paper required by Sara. She thought about the midterm project, how far behind she was, hadn't even started yet. Only collected information, but hadn't begun documenting her thoughts.

If anything, this only increased her unexplained irritation with Sara. "Why do you give so much fucking homework? Do you just like to see us suffer?" She fanned herself one more time, a scowl so huge on her face that left Sara with an unreadable facial expression on her own. "I'm so fucking angry, I can't fucking write this, I don't understand this stupid fucking text." A line of sweat ran atop her tensed brow, more sweat thickened under her arms, heat of rage dominated her body.

Sara shook her head, she took a deep breath. She closed the book she had been reading. After a long day of cleaning the small apartment, involving her mind with the academic work of her students by correcting papers and writing exams for the other classes she taught, she rewarded herself with a book and a beer after the agonizingly awkward dinner she and Tegan had shared. No words were spoken, no eye contact was made.

Tegan seemed to pry that reward away, causing her professor's honey irises to darken, her lisp to thicken, and her octave to sharpen. "I am here not as your professor, and if that's how you see me, then I suggest we put an end to this. If you have a problem with the subject, you can either drop it or suck it up. If you have a problem with me, then talk to me about it, don't fucking mix it with the stupid subject. If you have a problem with your professor as a professor, I have office hours. Other than that, I will not free you the space to cuss my ways of teaching just because you are sitting in my living room." Sara reopened her book, leaving a dumbfounded Tegan with an opened mouth and a firing desire to punch the nearest object beside her.

Her anger had never been colourful when it arose, she often never controlled it. Broken telephones and furniture would be the grievous result most of the time, at other times, loud cries and screams of ire until her body succumbed would be the calmer result. This time, she felt as if she wanted to perform both acts, she counted to ten and closed her eyes, inhaled and exhaled for a number of times. When she opened her eyes once again, Sara's were on hers, no longer with a yellow knife in them, the warm honey replaced it. However, she tried to keep herself from embarrassing herself and wounding her pride even more, therefore, she silently paced to the bedroom, Sara's bedroom. Closing the door behind, she returned to her warm solace beneath the blanket, meeting new purple sheets and a purple pillowcase, burying her face in it, and freeing the remains of her ambiguous misery in it, questioning why she had been acting that way since morning, wondering if Sara's conduct from the previous night has an effect to her current behaviour, denying within her mind that it does.

She couldn't count the hours she was left weeping on a soft pillow, muffling her cries the best she could, weeping without a proper logical explanation. It could have been an hour, two, perhaps even three hours, but her eyes weren't free of tears even when Sara entered the room later.

Sara could have heard her cries, she thought. She didn't care anymore, she gasped for air even though it happened against her will. Whenever she let a cry, she gasped for air, her nose was stuffed and her eyes stung. Sara couldn't see it, she might have heard it, however. When she entered, Tegan sealed her betraying lips the best she could, but that cheating gasp that arose from the depths of her heavy chest, it exposed her into the soft shell she is, the crying machine she was.

But that intake of breath which came in the image of a suppressed gasp had given her the body of her lover inching closer to her own, holding her own sweaty form. She attempted drifting away, an act of gaining unconscious pride she performed when angered by a friend or a family member but later is sought for in order to make amends for scarring her sensitivity into tiny pieces of lost self-esteem. Sara's arms were much stronger than her half fake push in order to keep the woman she desired to be held by the most, away. Sara spooned her from behind, her soft and warm breath hit the sweat at the back of her neck, cooling it off and drying the remains.

Her body still heated and flushed. She should have not worn such a warm hoodie in the first place, but she often felt safe in an attire that covered her body and disguised her exposed emotions, as if it really worked, it never actually did, she couldn't abandon it, however. She sniffled and broke the silence that occurred upon Sara's presence in the dark room. And Sara shushed her softly as if she was an infant being nursed to sleep.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you like that." All of a sudden, Sara spoke. Her soothing hand rubbed Tegan's back, comforting her in the most magical way she owned. "Sometimes I forget the age gap between us. I would think if I said this or did that it wouldn't really matter, but then it hurts you. It kinda reminds me of myself, if I was you, I'd be hurt of what left my mouth. And I was you once, and it did hurt me when a girlfriend scolded me."

That's not why Tegan was sad, that's not why she woke up this morning feeling as a brick on the wall, or a cloud of emotions that she clenched tightly inside her chest until breaking down alone in the room for the past hours. She knew the reason why, yet she wouldn't know how to admit it, it hurt her just to know that such a thing had scratched her so harshly when it was not worth it, not to Sara at least. And that is why Tegan didn't give a response to Sara. "Tegan?" Sara tried to gain her attention again. "Can we be mature about this, please? Can you tell me why you're in such a shitty mood since this morning? Tell me what I've done? Did I rush you into sex? Did I hurt you last night? What did I do?" Her pleading questions seemed to cause her worry, her voice showed so.

Tegan contemplated whether she shall speak of it or not. She marveled at it inside her aching head and sighed when a decision was not made. She wouldn't want to wreck such a relationship she ran after for a year at its beginning, especially when Sara wasn't actually aware of her doing, the doing that caused Tegan inner pain and feeling of emotional abandonment.

She sighed once again and turned around, facing the older woman, facing her in sheer darkness that her features were not visible to the human eye. "I don't understand myself sometimes. Something so silly happens and it makes me really sad for days, something not even worth mentioning. It makes me feel very sad and moody, makes me bitchy to people."

"If it's not worth mentioning, it wouldn't have caused you to feel that way." Sara whispered. "What did I do, Tegan?" She asked more firmly and with a louder octave this time.

Tegan swallowed, still hadn't made up her mind. To tell, or not to tell, that was the mystery running within her head. "I don't know, I guess..." She paused, a sigh been made again. "I felt bad when you didn't let me touch you, and then you went to the bathroom to touch yourself, and just you know, left me there. It felt kinda emotionless of you."

If honesty was a good thing, nobody would have lied. Sara's silence seemed to drag on forever. No response was given and Tegan regretted her confession. Sara could be building an army of raging honey-eyed angels in order to haunt Tegan in her sleep, or she might be arranging ways to fail her, but that didn't seem like Sara. She could have injured her pride and caused her sadness with the confession, or Sara could be practicing dumping her because of her child ways. Who knows how people in their thirties act after sex anyway? They could all fuck and get it over with, while she, at nineteen, required soft sex with nice cuddles following. Sara offered the first, not the second, however.

But what Tegan did not expect the most, was Sara's response. It happened after a minute or so, but Tegan had never seen it coming. "You're the only person who manages to make me blush so hard that I feel my cheeks are on fire, do you know that?" No, she didn't. Or perhaps she did, her ears often looked as if they were inside a furnace of coyness. She denied it however, her own turn to blush amidst the blackness of the room. "I don't even remember the last time I used to blush before you. I guess when Jack used to flirt with me. He was very sweet and it made me very shy. But then there's you. You're so much younger, and it kicks something inside of me at almost anything you say, it makes me feel young again, alive again, like a hormone-ridden teenager that I don't often think before I act or speak when you're in my presence."

Sara was such a sweet talker, it left her student in awe, in admiration at every true or false confession she made. Why would she care? These confessions seemed honest, even if they weren't, why would she care? They are sweet at the time being, she should just consume their sugary sweetness and rejoice the felicity they brought her heart, causing it to melt into a puddle of trembling affection. "I didn't know such thing was going to hurt your feelings. I'm really sorry. I just thought we'd save it to another time, when you weren't really tired."

"It's okay." Tegan whispered. Getting it out of her chest felt fabulous, felt courageous and awesome.

"And as the other part," She felt Sara smiling as she said that. If they were surrounded by shining lights, she might be able to see Sara blushing, she would gain the satisfaction for that, especially now she knew her blotched cheeks happened on special occasions and she is one of these. "It was stupid, I was really aroused and I really didn't wanna do it in front of you. I mean I would do it in front of you, really I don't mind. But like not after that night, it was your first, and ya, this is embarrassing." Sara rambled on and on, about how embarrassed she felt. Her nervousness appeared in her lisp and her never ending use of the words "Sorry", "I mean", and "Embarrassing".

Tegan giggled at the sudden bashfulness that hit the older woman. Despite the lewd images swimming inside of her being, images of Sara's drenched fingers pumping in and out of her slick core, Tegan also viewed another part of Sara, the coy one she since ever adored when it left its metallic mask. "You like that, don't you?" Her lover's thumb found its way to her chin, tracing the skin beneath the piercing. She felt a smile in Sara's tone, she felt a tender passion being radiated around the small embrace they shared, the heat they were glued in. "You like to see me get nervous around you, huh?" Now Sara's thumb touched the silver stud beneath her lips. She felt the maddening need to lick her lower one at the temptation that was built by Sara's finger, the shivers such a small touch caused her.

"It's cute when you do." She admitted. Sara's thumb took its path to her lower lip, softly tracing the soft pink flesh.

"I want to ask you something..." A pause in Sara's timid tone. "but I'm afraid." She continued.

"Of what?"

"Your reaction." When matters become serious, affection is no longer needed. The thumb that once was placed on the eager pouty lips she owned were far in the distance, close to their owners form, far away from the needs that shouted within her, the needs of being touched the slightest and the smallest of touches. When matters become serious, sighs depart the mouths and long pauses to waste the time. When matters become serious, her heart would thunder and growl, beat and drum the horror of what's to be expected, what might leave the tongues of the present members. Which in her case, was the woman she feared to discuss serious matters with, her lover that she wouldn't want to upset, anger, or take a chance in making her at least think of leaving.

But Sara asked anyway. Sara held her hand and tightly squeezed it. "I'm not questioning your mental health or sanity here," The introduction seemed as if she was going to do so, however. "I just notice that you drift into your own ball of mood swings at times, and you also cry a lot, you over-think and your nervous habit of puking isn't healthy at all. Also your anger is hardly controlled, you get too hard on yourself and often seclude yourself from others when something is bothering you. I just think, maybe it is healthier for you to see a therapist." She expected it, she did. What her mother used to say, the exact same words. Thinking about it now, perhaps her sole anger flourished from the comparison her mind was constantly calculating. Her mother and her lover behaved the same towards her, it made her even more sick to her stomach to think of how much these two women were alike and how important the roles they played in her life were. "You don't have to, by the way, please don't be angry with me. I see a therapist, it's healthy for me, and she helps me a lot. I know some consider it offensive, but I often become worried about you. I feel sad when I see you drowning in your destructive thoughts and your aching mood swings. I know you don't show it quite often as today, but I can also see when you are extremely nervous. I've always saw it in class. Your leg shaking, your pale skin, your trembling lips, you over-think to the point of nausea. You depress yourself by your own mind. I am also pretty sure that most of the time the reasons are not that extreme in order to put yourself through so much exhaustion."

Not denying that Sara was correct with everything she'd said, but Sara didn't know Tegan had dealt with a past of paranoia and overthinking. She realized she hadn't told Sara about her much. She hadn't told her about Jenn, about James, about the clinical depression that she went through, about her visiting a therapist since before Sara knew her and she knew Sara, about the reason of moving to another country, about her childhood fears, about her nightmares, about the things she couldn't let go off assuming every person in this world represented a vicious tiger in disguise of a gullible lamb. "I did go to a therapist, two years ago." Tegan started, she told her tale from the beginning. Not a heartbreaking one as Sara's, but you could say sometimes the victims seek their victimization. Perhaps to her young brain high school was the harshest thing in life, the first heartbreak was the severe attack nature had caused. Her innocence flowed in her words and in her voice. Sara's hand brushed her hair and hummed at sentences said.

Sara gave feedback, she advised on how to let go, just the way everybody always did. Sara's words, however, were charmingly more effective, maybe because she is Sara, or maybe because she carried that magic within her since the day she entered that class with her purple coat and the slam of the door that shook and frightened Tegan's being. Since that year when Sara became not only a thought, but a word, a phrase, a clause, a sentence, a poem, and a prose in Tegan's life, said everywhere and to everyone, written in every thing and all the time, she was never able to reveal the mystery behind Sara's marvelous grace. The reason why she stuck with her till the end of times. The puzzle piece that was never put together. Was it the voice? Her looks? The way she spoke? Her body language? Her eyes? Perhaps all these aligned together to form a picture perfect of the angel Tegan had always imagined since she was a little child, the one she drew on every white sheet, sometimes on the walls of her own house until scolded that good girls should not draw on walls but on paper only. Could her childhood fascination with angels have caused Sara to be her muse for everything she did and thought of during the course of her life? She never actually found a meaning behind it. Sara was there, always there, even when she was gone, she was there, just like the angels in fairytales her mother recited to her ears as a four year old. Perhaps Sara was once told in a fairytale and she couldn't remember, perhaps that's why, unconsciously, Sara remained inside her head and mind each day until she fell asleep, sometimes, rewarding her with jumping inside her nightmares and dreams, as a villain or a kind woman. As a lover, or a friend. As a wicked witch who sought for revenge, or an anguished martyr of the loss she had to deal with.

Sara listened to her till the very end. Till the pop of her lips together and the sigh that indicated her story had come to an end. Something about the lightless room gave her the courage she needed in order to speak about herself. Tegan barely liked to do so. It was always easier being typed in texts or said in the darkness, no facial judgment shall be viewed by her own eyes. No eyebrow raising, lips widening, eyes squinting, nose flaring, head leaning to the side, or any of the like. These often terrified her and put her in the thoughts of upsetting the other party of the speech. The dark was calm and peaceful with its mist of the faces they owned, the faces that usually spoke louder than words.

They laid there for what seemed more than an hour, softly speaking to one another. About anything that could occur to their minds. One thing Tegan knew is that the time was probably past midnight. The other thing was her, most certainly, not going to be able to get up at half past six in order to catch her first class at eight. But once again, who cares? She was pondering skipping her first three classes and the free hour which she usually met her friends in. She should spend it with Sara until Sara has to go to university as well, for sure they will have to go separately. Lying with Sara on her bed was the best of all the spiritual pleasures she preferred. The serene breaths her lover released, God, they were as beautiful as she was.

At one point they held each other closely, the heat climbed up to her body again, not like it stopped, but it thickened when Sara covered the black jacket she had worn. "Aren't you hot in this, though?"

"I am. I really am." She admitted. "Do I stink?" She feared her perspiration accompanied an unpleasant smell, perhaps Sara felt disgusted being near her.

"Not at all. Why don't you take it off?"

"I'm not wearing anything under it." She only had her boxers, which she fetched from the floor that morning. Nothing more. Nothing covered her legs, and nothing beneath the dark material that covered her torso.

Sara was not dressed in much as well, Tegan could tell. Their legs collided and brushed often. Sara's were bare as well. She assumed that the woman was only in one of her lace and feminine underwear. Her torso was clad in what seemed like a wife-beater. Tegan was able to tell only when her hand accidentally brushed Sara's chest by mistake, feeling the swell of her breast quickly against the light fabric of the white material. "So what?" Sara chuckled. "Sleeping in the nude is the ultimate joy. I'll take off my wife-beater too. We'll be equal."

Sara encouraged her, made an offer that they both stay in half nudity. She relished the offer and hastily unzipped her jacket, hurriedly freeing herself from the obnoxious warmth it showered her with, she needn't it no more. Sara shifted beside her and as well took whatever covered her torso off. Taking both Tegan's hoodie and her wife-beater and once again throwing them carelessly inside the room. She wouldn't have imagined neat and tidy Sara would be as careless with her clothing as she had displayed in the past two nights. "Much better." Sighed with content, Sara stuck her body closer to Tegan's. Burying the relaxing warmth of her face in the younger woman's back. Both of her hands joined around her waist. Nipples hardened at the contact of her back. A kick to that area inside her boxers alarmed her for a second, causing her to shift for a bit until the sensation grew softer and less teasing in the most tempting way, but tranquil and pleasurable in the calmest ones, putting her to sleep more and more whenever she felt the touch of soft lips planting the faintest of kisses on her lower neck and upper back, on every shoulder blade until the feeling shut her mind down, took her to a sleep like no other, a sleep so long and peaceful that when she awoke, she yawned her way to consciousness, nursing a headache as if she had been dealing with a hangover. But these were solely the remains of the Sara drug washing off.

The humorous sleeping pose Sara was in when Tegan awoke caused her to smile with wonderment. Her lover was indeed a beauty. Even in her most natural poses, where her mouth was hanging open, her arms spread widely, one on the sheet beside her and one on Tegan's chest, She still remained a beauty. Even when her hair was in a war with the pillow it rested on, even when a bit of saliva ran past her lips and collected at the corner of her mouth, she still remained a beauty. The blanket had rid itself of her body, or perhaps Tegan herself, selfishly but unknowingly, had pulled it to her side in her sleep, depriving the older woman from the warmth is sent.

Sara's breasts were on display, her toned stomach too, and that scar more vivid now that the room was invaded with a bit of light. Tegan's guess from the previous hours of the night was proved correct, Sara was only in a light blue lace underwear, with slightly spread milky legs, one a bit raised and the other fully rested on the mattress. The sight was mouthwatering to the younger woman, she craved to stare more, and she did. She arose, gently pushing Sara's stray arm back on the mattress. She sat on the bed, and she guiltily, lasciviously, and perhaps even shamefully, ogled every exposed skin, craved and wanted to touch the pink nipples, to knead the small breasts, to caress the flat abdomen, to stroke the puffiness of Sara's lips above her underwear, or to slip her finger inside the tight material and feel the softness of her folds, to touch and discover, circle and rub. She wanted to do so and the need fired achingly inside her core, dampening the only thing she wore, her boxer briefs, drenching it by the minute.

She felt like a creepy criminal the longer her eyes examined the small details. Her hand betrayed her thinking, her hand wanted to touch the woman so much that it did so, against her own will. The tips of her fingers traveled to Sara's breast, tracing softly, her areola, her nipple, with two fingers tweaking on the now hard bud. She had never touched a woman before, not even above her clothes, well...besides her best friend, but she still couldn't seem to remember it at all. She had only touched herself, and touching Sara was severely different. Perhaps the circumstances they were in caused her to feel a rush within her system, what she sneakily did made her feel guilty. And that's when she won the war against her hand and pulled it away, watching Sara's now abandoned breast and waiting for her nipple to protest, and perhaps it would cause her finger to be back again, twisting and pinching at it. But her nipple wasn't going to magnetize her fingers back to where they were, and she wouldn't do so herself. Sara wasn't going to do so as she seemed to be in a deep sleep, in a soft sleep.

After recollecting herself and managing to clear her mind from the crude thoughts she awoke with, she viewed the time, surprisingly it was still early. Well, she had already missed her first class, but it was only nine, of course she's going to miss the second, and the third was just not important, not to her anyway, after that, she had a free hour, her friends weren't important as well, Sara was more important than them. She's going to wait for Sara to rise, maybe they would finally have a breakfast together, talk a bit, if not, then she would catch the three remaining classes, Sara's was the last of them.

She walked to the bathroom, thought about showering after freeing her bladder. She hadn't showered the previous day and she had perspired generously, she was even surprised that she hadn't smelled. And so she adjusted the shower head and turned on the faucet. While waiting for the water to get to the warm temperature she desired, she took the time to urinate. After flushing, she stood in front of the mirror while washing her hand. She hadn't noticed it yesterday, but now she did, the marks, the red and purple hickies all over her neck, chest, and atop of her full breasts. She bit her lip while inspecting them, brushing one very visible on the side of her neck, it didn't hurt at all, but it seemed as a hurtful bruise. Sara had caused these and the feeling alone was magnificent.

She forgot she had left the bathroom's door widely unclosed. Her lover closed the door when she joined her inside. A smile on her lips. A big, cheery smile on her lips. She smiled too, in return. Sara yawned, pacing to the shower. "Oh good, warm water." Again, with cheerfulness, Sara announced. "Let's shower together." Her smile morphing into a wicked smirk, a raised eyebrow and lip bite. Sara clearly had other plans than showering together, while showering together. She was able to view it with that infamous lovely smirk of Sara.

First to slip her underwear down her legs, forsooth, was Sara, her ass plump and full. She followed her lover with caution. She didn't want Sara to see the remains of her fluids from minutes ago when she was fondling Sara's breast without the older woman being aware of it. She wondered if Sara had taken notice of it, if she awoke with a strange feeling or a sore nipple and took a hint. She hoped Sara didn't.

Sara closed the glass door when Tegan joined her underneath the warm spray of water, so fresh and very relaxing to her bones and skin. "Did I wake you up?" Tegan asked.

Water cascaded down on both of them, dampening their hair, causing Sara's to look shorter, especially that it was brushed to the back, leaving her angular face on display, the sweet fringe no more covered the side of it. "Kind of, I heard the water running when I woke up. But I slept very well, anyway."

She didn't know what she's supposed to do next. She just stood there facing Sara. Both smiling at each other. Behind these smiles something bigger than both of them was shinning and sparkling in the cramped space. Something sensational and galvanizing, making them both standing still in their places, staring at one another, in full nudity and exposure, physical and emotional exposure. Nothing to cover their bodies or their eager yearning for each other. Tegan saw it and she felt it within every breath. She would just stand there for the rest of her life if she could, Sara's tender face was all she needed.

Sara had another thought in mind, as it seemed. Sara wanted more, as it showed. She took a step closer to Tegan, leaving not more than a little space between them. "This is the most innocent shower I've taken with anybody ever." Sara admitted. A soft giggle leaving her lips.

"You want to make it not innocent?" Tegan exposed her famous gummy smile.

The older woman grinned in return. "Indeed, I do." And with that, she captured her student with a kiss. Not soft, rather hungry and ravishing. "I woke up really wet." She said after pulling away. "I don't know why, but I must have been having a naughty dream that I don't remember." She bit on Tegan's lower lip, brushing her tongue on it so Tegan can allow her access.

And Tegan did, they made out underneath the running water, with their naked bodies joined together tightly. Sara's both hands wrapped around Tegan's neck. While her own ones were wrapped around her professor's petite waist. It could have been a naughty dream as Sara thought, but she was sure that her touch was mostly the cause of Sara's arousal, or she hoped it was her touch. And she also hoped that Sara didn't mind it if she were to find out, she wouldn't want to step away from her boundaries, she didn't know what were her boundaries with Sara anyway, she wouldn't want to risk it, however.

Sara leaned on the wall, and Tegan, with force from Sara's mouth had to turn around and face her. The battle of tongues didn't end and it didn't seem as if it was going to, but she needed to breathe, but Sara's mouth was far too good to waste the velvety sensation in order to take in the air she needed for her lungs, air which was available and cheap at any time and any moment, Sara's mouth wasn't always there whenever she desired it.

A moan, a gentle, tender, soft, and fiery moan escaped Sara's lips. Not only that, but her hips were bucking and requiring more pressure. Tegan felt it all and she smiled upon knowing that Sara was enjoying it all. They finally parted when Sara moaned once again, both begging for breaths, both in a trance of non-sober smiles. "Babe, I want you to touch me." It seemed that Sara only called her that when they were in full arousal, or when she was being immensely sweet and affectionate. "I want to feel you inside me." Sara's request allowed a gasp to leave her lisp and Sara took notice of it, she smiled. "I'll lead you through it."

She wasn't really nervous, however, she was mostly astounded and utterly thrilled to do what Sara asked. Very eager and maddeningly aroused, she started off with kisses, soft ones, the way Sara did to her two nights ago. On the sharp jaw, behind her ears, and sucked on the soft flesh of Sara's neck. She imitated Sara's actions with the kisses but her hands toiled again on their own, searching, caressing, touching and squeezing.

Sara's breasts were the first to be attacked. Squeezed for a bit and kneaded for another bit. Kisses remained showering Sara's milky skin, as her fingers, with no more guilt and horror of being caught in the act, tweaked and tugged the hard buds on each mound. Having full satisfaction with the feeling, Tegan paused her kisses and watched her hand do the work, Sara watched as well with a smile on her lips. "That feels really good." She encouraged the younger woman, giving her more confidence to return her mouth and connect it with the silky skin of her professor, connecting it to one breast while the other was still cupped by one hand. Her tongue twirled around the pink bud. "Suck on it," Sara ordered. "hard." And so Tegan did, she sucked and even bit gently, Sara didn't seem to mind, she seemed to desire it with a gust of pain. But Tegan didn't want to cause her much pain, she was careful, she wanted to keep hearing the soft humming sounds and barely audible groans from Sara, who unlike her, didn't make much noise, her quiet need was very alluring. "Take your other hand between my legs, just feel in there with your fingers." Another command was made and Tegan responded with hurry and delight. Replacing her mouth on the abandoned breast, and replacing the hand she used no more to hold Sara's hip.

Unnerved to take a dip in Sara's sea of ecstasy, she carefully ran her index over the puffy wet lips, feeling in the heat seeping out of her lover's core. Sara's cunt felt very moist and slick, especially when her fingers dipped inside her slit, feeling the fluids on her now drenched fingers, not only by water, but also by Sara's own juices. "I'm gonna turn off the water so this is easier for you, alright?" She wasn't really having a difficult time, Sara was really drenched even when the water kept washing off her fluids from Tegan's finger, she still managed to wet them each time they were free from her trace. With the water closing, she was able to take in the aromatic scent of Sara, or perhaps that was her own aroma flooding the air with its need, she was wet and aching for a touch as well, but she wasn't going to act on it. Sara was more important.

"Put your finger on my clit." And so Tegan did. Sara sighed in full relief, closing her eyes. "Ya, just like that, move it to the sides, a bit harder." She circled and teased, slow and gentle, then hard and fast. "Fuck." Sara breathed. "That's really good. You know what you're doing. Keep doing it." She no longer kissed and sucked on her lover's breast. She only watched in awe Sara's closed eyes and head leaning to the back. She enjoyed Sara's euphoria, she enjoyed the fact she was the cause of it. "Now leave my clit and enter me." Each word she pronounced seemed to flow with difficulty, she seemed near the edge, close to to collapsing.

"Two fingers, I'm not as tight as you. Enter with two fingers." Sara said when she felt Tegan's lonely index at her entrance. And so the younger woman did. She entered Sara with ease, she was indeed much less tighter, but still tight enough to hold her index and middle finger in well. Tegan didn't move her fingers, she tried to get used to the feeling inside, it felt really good, and she took a look at her fingers inside Sara's pussy, it was beautiful, she loved watching it. "Now move them. Do it as if you're taking them out but don't take them out, keep going in and out without taking them out." Sara was being teased that she had grabbed Tegan's hand to move them the way she desired.

She shook Sara's hand away, slowly sliding her fingers till the tip and slowly pushing them inside. "Ya, just like that, but faster." She quickened her movement, pumping in and out not only faster but harder. Sara closed her eyes again and threw her head back. The silence filled with noises from Sara's soft voice and from her wet pussy whenever Tegan's digits carried in with the motion.

Sara's hands squeezed Tegan's shoulders, digging her short nails on the blades. Her legs shook and she seemed to lose balance. Tegan held her firmly by her hip, her knees pushing on Sara's own ones to prohibit her from falling. "Curl your fingers inside me, Tegan. Curl them as if you're motioning for me to come to you." Her sentences said quickly and only made sense if one listened closely. Tegan felt the walls tightening around her fingers, making it harder for her to push inside. She curled her fingers and massaged her slick walls, which sucked in her digits preventing them from moving in and out. Juices flowed on her fingers and ran on her hand. Sara let a scream slip out of her lips. Holding Tegan's body closer to her as she buried her face in her student's shoulder. Her whole body shook, her small petite body trembled and shook between Tegan's arm. Her teeth bit the bony shoulder and Tegan let out a groan.

That was hot, Tegan thought. Extremely hot and amazing to watch. The way Sara became a vulnerable shaking mess when she reached her orgasm, the way she came on Tegan's fingers, and the way she screamed loudly after long minutes of whispered moans and shy gasps. It's as if an animal had been unleashed. The first time she felt powerful over Sara, or rather stronger, physically stronger if one may say. And she probably was, she was a bit bigger than Sara, only a tiny bit, but still, it did count. Proof is she's the one holding a shaking Sara in her arms now. Waiting for the effect of her bliss to wear off so she could look her in the eye and grin widely, happy with her accomplishment.

She held Sara with both hands now, one drenched, wetting Sara's skin, and the other dry. When Sara finally looked up, her face was flushed thoroughly, her ears were too, her eyes full of sweet emotion and gleaming twinkles, devoid of any hints of icy frost, or frightening fear. "I don't think you needed my guiding. You're a quick learner." She winked, and her student blushed deeply at that. "That was so fucking good. It's been so long. Gosh." Sara giggled, still in Tegan's arm, still so small and tender. "I haven't had anything inside of me since like last year." Well that was news to Tegan. That was the last thing she expected, all this time she imagined Sara with her fingers inside of her, all this time she imagined the time she spent alone in the bathroom two nights ago, Sara was merely having a quick release the way she, herself, used to do before. That was the shock of the day, and the day had just started. "Baby, do it again." That was the second shock of this day, maybe. "Finger me again, three fingers this time." The third one? Perhaps.

What the heck? Tegan thought, she was going to do it again and again and as much as Sara pleased. Only this time, Sara joined her, pushing only a finger inside of Tegan, and if they were on a bed, without the risk of falling down, perhaps Tegan would have asked her for another one, just to feel what Sara had felt just now.

What a waste of warm water it was, well, at least they didn't waste all of it.

They pleased each other again, both bodies tightly begging for the other to lean in. Both searching for the support they need not to slip and fall. Both whining and crying for more, Tegan's loud moans taking over Sara's soft pleads. Both shook in each other arms, and both bit each other's skin. Both pumped in and out, teased each other's clits each now and then, mimicked what the other did. If one went hard and fast the other did too, and if one went soft and slow, so did the other. They kissed and they made out, they took turns in kissing each other's breasts, leaving marks each time their tongues ravished the abused skin and flesh. Both shouted in pleasure with their climax arriving at the same time. Sara screamed once again and even louder, and Tegan, unlike her noisy cries, she let out a silent scream with her mouth ajar, eyes shut tightly and head spinning in fuzzy pleasure.

And then, one movement from Sara caused them both to slip, and both to fall. Sara on the bottom and she on top. Sara let out a soft cry and cursed, declaring a pain had hit her back. But they both laughed after a bit, loudly snorting at their state.

They laid there for some time, just stayed there with Tegan's head on Sara's chest, listening to the steady rhythmic heartbeat of her lover, she could sleep if she stayed more, she could have slept if Sara hadn't announced they should now shower for real cause they have wasted a lot of time.

They showered and they did waste much time. They got dressed and they had a very quick breakfast. Tegan was barely going to make it on time to her fourth class. Many missed calls that she had ignored. Many texts from her friends that she didn't respond to. Sara didn't drive her to university because in that, there shall be a risk they didn't want to take, and so she walked quickly, reaching right on time, beginning her day which had already started with Sara's melodic cries and screams of pure nirvana and ecstasy. It was a great morning and a fucking fabulous start.

**...**

**May, 3rd 2043**

_No longer mourn for me when I am dead_

_Then you shall hear the surly sullen bell_

_Give warning to the world that I am fled_

_From this vile world, with vilest worms to dwell:_

_Nay, if you read this line, remember not_

_The hand that writ it; for I love you so_

_That I in your sweet thoughts would be forgot_

_If thinking on me then should make you woe._

_O, if, I say, you look upon this verse_

_When I perhaps compounded am with clay,_

_Do not so much as my poor name rehearse._

_But let your love even with my life decay,_

_Lest the wise world should look into your moan_

_And mock you with me after I am gone._

Ironic how Sara had a deep distaste regarding Shakespeare, yet she is much like him. She asked of me to do the same when she walked away from my life. She asked not to be remembered, she asked to be buried outside my mind, she asked to be forgotten. Yet here she is in my life, she is still immortalized, forever going to be immortalized. And until I die, none shall find about her but you. Will you immortalize her glory too? Will you speak of her the way I do? Will you? Will you write poems about her?

You won't. You haven't been injured by her the way I have. You haven't wounded her the way I have. We both ailed one another and yet we both were too much of cowards to fix what we have done. I take most of the blame. I caused her much distemper with my ill deeds. I caused her to weep on the floor like a sick animal begging to be nursed back to health. I take all the blame. I still bleed her words like a knife through the vein. I still recite the poem that she recited upon her breakdown. I caused that last breakdown.


	20. Declaration of Love

**Chapter 20: Declaration of Love.**

**May 3rd, 2043**

I could say that Sara and I spent wonderful two months together. Full of ecstasy and felicity. She introduced me to Stacy, her friend. We got to know each other way better. She tried her best to give us both the closest to what a normal relationship might look like. I didn't mind spending much time at her house. She wanted to go on dates and be out with me, but we couldn't risk it. Her house felt safe, very safe and convenient. I loved spending my time there that I neglected my dorm and my friends, which I admit wasn't the wisest thing to do. Eventually, I was obliged to expose my concealed secret to Jeremy. And I wish I had not. No, he didn't judge me, he over worried. And when Jeremy worries about me he immediately seeks professional help, which is known to the rest as: my mother.

I believe Sara and I managed to sleep together almost everyday these two months, except when we were fairly fatigued or I was menstruating. She still wanted to sleep with me while at it, but I refused. Sometimes I gave her the pleasure she required only, sometimes she couldn't get enough, I would give her the release she pleaded for again and again till she couldn't take it no more. Even when I became busy with midterms, we would find a time to make love. She broke one of her rules in order to get laid once, she was a very lusty woman, always begging to be touched.

**...**

"You know, eventually you're gonna have to tell Jer and Lindsey that you're sleeping with Sara." Emy uttered with pudding in her mouth.

Tegan hadn't had the chance to tell her best friend that she and her lover had slept together. It happened two days ago, and this morning as well. When she saw her in class, they didn't have the time to speak much. Sara entered the class very early, rebuking her students for their shitty assignments. The one hour class was spent in whining and discussion. Sara's students complained about the amount of homework she requires each class. "You know this isn't the only class we have, doctor." one of the students said. Sara sighed and sat in her chair, contemplating and thinking about rearrangements. Emy and Tegan were the only two who preferred to remain quiet in the class. Sara looked at both of them each minute, yet they maintained their needed silence. Tegan didn't want to upset her professor and lover, she had already thrown a hissy fit the previous day, already received her fair share of scolding, already wept about it, and they made up, so no need to speak of it again. Emy, on the other had, her reasons were unknown to Tegan, she assumed that she wouldn't want to upset her, or upset them both, and Tegan was fairly thankful for that. At the end they settled on a solution; Sara was going to cut them some slack, she was going to write her requirements for the midterm paper, to specify what she wants to see written and the way it should be written. She also promised to lessen the amount of assignments she would ask for, her sole purpose was that she wanted them to write better, she said it should have justified her harsh correcting system, but none of her students bought it, none of them were satisfied.

Later, Tegan returned to the dorm with her friend, Sara still had two more classes to give. They chatted about their days. Emy bragged about charming girls into her room while Tegan wasn't there. With no shame, discussing the details of her her sexual interactions in the past two days. Tegan, however, still didn't say a thing about having sex with Sara, nor even about kissing Sara, or sleeping besides Sara. She only told her friend about the tiny argument they had, about how much Sara and her mother seemed alike that it scared her at times and made it a bit bothersome and off-putting at others.

Tegan took the pudding cup from Emy's hand, scooping some using the same spoon her friend was using. "Who said I'm sleeping with her?" Tegan chewed, a smirk appearing on her lips.

"Oh please, not only that your neck has exposed the shit out of you today, but also her whole, like, chest area is filled with hickies." Emy snickered. "You guys are so stupid, you didn't even bother covering it up." At that, Tegan blushed a deep scarlet red. How come she hadn't thought of that? What about her suave lady? She must have seemed funny to her students, eloquently discoursing with them and trying to solve the matter of homework while her milky chest exposed the lucid love marks, fresh red ones from the morning shower they had. Tegan had spent most of the time studying their fiery redness in class, never for a single moment taking a hint of what her classmates might be thinking. They looked lovely and they adorned her fascinating skin. She wondered if her classmates connected the dots, matched the bruise on her neck, near her pulse point, to Sara's many ones on her chest. She also wondered if Sara decided to wear a low top that exposed that area on purpose, perhaps she wanted to declare that she is taken, that somebody had marked their territory, perhaps she pleaded for every eye to see the sketch her tongue and lips had painted on Sara's body. That was the only explanation possible.

"Well, that still doesn't mean we slept together." She insisted on denying it, for the fun of it, nothing more. She wouldn't mind if her friend found out, in fact, she wanted her to find out.

Emy raised one eyebrow and wickedly curled her lips in a knowing smile, a wicked smile. "Okay fine, we slept together." Tegan blushed even more. She ate more of her friend's pudding, chewing her nerves away.

"Oh my god," Her friend obnoxiously squealed, a high pitched excited screech that caused Tegan to jump farther away. "How was it? Aww, you finally slept with someone while sober. Was it good? Tell me everything." It didn't look like this was her best friend, the same one she had injured only five days ago, injured with selfishness. The same woman she broke her heart, it didn't seem it was her, not at all. And Tegan wondered if Emy really didn't give a fuck, or was faking her happiness. Perhaps she was happy to see her happy, but if it was her, she would be dying of jealousy, she wouldn't even be able to fake a smile. Perhaps she thought too highly of herself, she probably did, and Emy didn't much. Yes she fancied her, and she rejected the poor girl, now Emy moved on, perhaps she owned nothing too appealing to cause Emy to stick to her unrequited feelings. If the tables were turned and it was Sara seated there and she was in Emy's place, she wouldn't rejoice Sara sleeping with another, because she loved Sara so much she wouldn't be happy to see her with another, not for a bit. Selfishness or not, it's who she is, and if Emy truly loved her as she once said, she would have acted the way she would act if it was Sara. Something within her felt rejected that Emy didn't react the way she thought Emy would. She despised that evil twin inside her, the one who craved to see Emy injured, Emy her friend, wounded and broken upon seeing her drowning in affection and merriment.

When she didn't say much, Emy insisted, "Oh come on, I told you about Courtney and how much she sucked at fingering me." And she didn't want to know the awful details to that. "I told you about Lizzie and how she squirted on my face." Nor that, especially not that. "Tell me at least one thing."

"No, that's private. I don't think Sara would want you to know how she is in bed. Like she teaches you and all, that would be awkward for her."

"Sara is far from awkward or shy. The woman was explaining how the dude came inside his mistress in that short story last week."

That was terribly embarrassing to hear, she recalls it, the flushed faces of the students inside the class while Sara didn't shut up about the sexual details that were far from important. She even threw an inappropriate joke, making her students laugh, or in Tegan's case, face the wall as if it was the most interesting art she had viewed. "That was in the story, not her sex life."

"You're so not fun." Emy paused. "At least tell me, is she as loud as you are?"

At that, Tegan faced her friend immediately. Even her own friend had noticed that. Her noisy moans that she couldn't tone down, even her friend had taken notice of them. "Wait, am I that loud?" Emy shrugged, nodding her head. "Is it like, really bad? Like is it horrendous?"

"Well," Emy took her pudding cup back, scooping some inside her mouth and chewing, teasing her friend with prolonging. "at one point you sounded like a dying animal." Tegan gasped, her mouth wide open and eyes bulged, pupils threatening to pop out. Emy laughed loudly. "No, no, it isn't that bad. You're just really loud that I had to cover your mouth because people in the rooms next to us were probably cussing us."

"Fuck you." She laughed and pushed her friend, who willingly fell on her mattress, holding her hand to her chest and faking her slowly coming death. Tegan giggled. "Bitch." She earned a middle finger from her friend. "Get up you goof. Let's discuss how am I gonna tell this to Jer and Lindsey. I don't wanna tell Lindsey, she'll tell the whole university, she can't keep shit inside her mouth. We know who's fucking who in this entire university because of her. She probably knows every girl you slept with and told all of them and now all of them hate you and wish you dead."

"They still can't resist my charm and my ability to please better than their fugly boyfriends." Her best friend was a player, and it's funny she hadn't seen it before, but now it's as shiny as the rays of the sun in a hot summer day. She wasn't the only heart-breaker in the equation, her best friend was too, well not to her, but most probably to all of these girls she had led to her bed behind their boyfriends' backs. Perhaps she was faulted in ruining some relationships, she probably was. Her best friend, furthermore, was a beauty, she could manage to get any woman she would set her eyes on...except Tegan herself, but she could get other women, she could be in a steady relationship and be happy, and she still didn't understand how come her best friend hadn't done that yet, how come she didn't go on dates and take matters into serious account. She didn't want to interfere in her life, she didn't want to tell her what she should do or not, if her friend found it winsome to waste her college years being a womanizer, then it is up to her, perhaps she'd grow old and take her relationship statue seriously, perhaps she would love another, chase her, and earn her affection.

Emy said that Tegan should manage and plan her time wisely. She said she should divide it between Sara and her friends, especially if she didn't want to raise more suspicions. Their Saturday routine should not be cancelled just because she found another woman to spend her time with. Tegan agreed, she promised she wouldn't give all her time to Sara and forget her friends. Sara too had her own busy life. Even though she was a lonely woman, she still managed to become utterly busy during the day. University and teaching had taken most of her time, and Tegan was thankful, because that time was the only time she was able to focus on studying, even though not much focus have been happening while Sara was present, while her gleaming glory was radiating inside the apartment.

On the thought of Sara, the older woman had texted her student, asking her where she was. They exchanged more texts, and Sara asked for Tegan to show up at her place, again. "Did you like, move in or something?" Emy chuckled while Tegan had the same thought inside her head. "Is she like clingy or not?" Emy asked once again.

Tegan shrugged. "Not really. I mean, I don't know. Sometimes I feel she would want us to be glued together. Sometimes..." Tegan paused. "it's like she is scared to even touch my hand or something."

"Interesting." Perhaps she shouldn't have shared much details. She wanted her friend to think they have the most perfect relationship, which they did, it wasn't bad...if it was a relationship. Sara hinted it was. They didn't call each other girlfriends, but she hinted it was. What would it be anyway? They didn't have an open one for sure, Sara made it clear that she is the jealous type, she made it clear she would viciously attack Emy if she stepped between them. Sara didn't tell her she loved her, but she felt it in every smooth kiss she planted on her body, especially at night before they drifted to sleep. Sara's kisses were her lullaby, her gentle melody.

On her way to Sara's, she stopped at the store to get her fatal poison, a pack of cigarettes that she deeply craved. She hadn't had time to smoke at least one since the previous week. Being around Sara didn't allow her to do so, she knew about Sara's odium to those around her with the breath of smoke. But she wanted to provide herself with her legal drug in case she found a time alone where Sara was far away to know she's been smoking. Perhaps on Monday she would smoke two or three between the early classes, the smell would be gone by the time it is Sara's class.

On her way as well, she spotted a flower shop. She wasn't sure if her mind felt guilty for the secret smoking habit she hid from Sara, or she merely desired to buy Sara a small bouquet of only white roses, her favourite type of roses. She adored their scent, she hoped Sara did so too.

Sara, however, seemed to be astonished upon receiving the roses. She inhaled their divine scent and thanked Tegan for them. "What's the occasion? And why white roses?" She smelled them again.

"No occasion. I love flowers, I love giving them to people I love. And white roses are my favourite."

Sara nodded, replacing the bouquet on the kitchen counter. "Mine are red tulips." Nothing was said after that. Not until Sara walked and sat beside Tegan on the couch, resting her feet on the coffee table. "No one had ever given me flowers." She randomly commented.

"Not even Jack?" Tegan was curious about her relationship with Jack. Sara appeared to still cherish it and maintain a tender angle towards it.

Sara smiled at hearing his name, which proved her point. "Not even Jack." She paused again, she does that often, she thinks of her sentences often, she thinks often, she thinks too much. "In our first anniversary, I expected rose petals, champagne, maybe chocolate, a night of intimate sex." She smiled, mostly to herself, or maybe to her memories. "I'm still thankful he didn't do that." She laughed. "Instead, we spent it drunk by cheap wine in some shitty beach house he rented. We sat on the floor and read each other parts from our favourite books. What can you say? Two nerds who were married. We didn't even have sex." They both chortled at that.

But a question remained lingering inside Tegan's head, rolling on her tongue, and begging to escape her sealed lips. "Do you? D..do..." She stuttered, gaining her professor's attention. "Do you still love him?" Finally, she asked, and sighed afterward. Part of her relieved to let the question out, part of her filled with scruples about hearing the answer.

"I told you my love for him had expired."

More questions arose, questions she wasn't going to ask, but she wanted to.

"I don't like to speak of the past much, but if something is troubling you and you want to get it out, say it."

"I am just curious about your relationship with him. I mean you seemed like you really loved him..."

Sara cut her off, "And now I don't. Period." Simply but harshly, she concluded.

Tegan nodded, not willing to ask more questions. "But I don't hate him either." Sara, on the other hand, continued. "He's a good friend. A good gentleman. He will always be. I..." She hesitated. "I was a heavy heart to deal with. Mostly a burden, and he took it all, my good and my bad, my worst conditions and my best. But it reached the point where it was way too much, where the relationship just couldn't be saved. The poles that held it well to stand, suddenly collapsed, and we fell. We hurt ourselves on the way down. He deserves someone better."

Not sure why she had teared up, Tegan shifted on the soft cushions, leaning her head this way and that, looking at every corner inside the tiny living room. Sara was only inches away from her, and she wanted, no...she needed, she craved, she desired to hold her tightly and kiss her. The feeling sprang out of nowhere. Actually, out of every nook inside her body. Out of her flowing affection, out of her melting love, out the depths of her strangled sadness. She felt a deep passion she had never felt, something pried on her, choked and squeezed her insides, something unearthly and not ordinary, she was sure sublunary lovers were not to feel the way she just felt towards her lover. She wanted to shower her with kisses, and those whose love was beneath the limits of the blue moon weren't to sense her spiritual euphoria and her sentimental amor towards that bewitching woman who was drowning with self-deprecation. Her love was way above the moon, it exceeded the limits of normality and she could feel it, radiating around them and captivating them inside a shining circle, she wished that Sara felt it too.

Her thrill of over-streaming passion led her to abruptly climbing on Sara's lap. Taking the woman by astounding surprise and causing her to scream aloud at the ravishing kisses her student began to plant on the side of her face. Gales of giggles left her mouth at the sloppy and wet kisses the younger woman showered her face with. "What are you doing?" She giggled more. "Tegan, stop, oh my god." She wasn't being tickled but her laughter sounded as if she was. "You're like a cat, stop licking my face."

Eventually, Tegan's face-sucking came to a stop. She smiled at the older woman who was terribly flushed, exposing her pearly whites and her gum. Sara held her hand over her chest and gasped for air, she still giggled a bit each few seconds until she calmed down. "It's so fucking weird." Sara furrowed her eyebrows. "When you become, you know, really emotional and self-deprecating I get so overwhelmed and feel like I want to squeeze you so tight you'd feel how much I really, you know," It was hard to say it, but she did. "love you." And her cheeks reddened at that, Sara's too. "And then I feel like I want to kiss you, and then I get really turned on. Like I want to, you know, do stuff to you." More peals of laughter rang inside the room. Sara's mostly, Tegan's were embarrassed ones at her confession.

"I want to do stuff to you when you're like that." Sara bit her lip. God, she was driving Tegan mad.

"Like what?" Time for her to bite her lip, abusing the silver stud with her teeth on the way.

"When you're both really cute and child-like, and really sexy and naughty, it's a weird mixture and it makes me..." She exhaled sharply. "so fucking wet."

She nervously laughed and tremendously blushed, a crimson shade blotched each side of her face, as well as her brow and her chest, she kissed Sara on her lips, quite quickly but very passionately. It was more of a hint that she wanted them to have sex. Sara had kissed her the first time she wanted to sleep with her. She had kissed Sara this morning when she wanted to touch her, and then they kissed again before the second round. It only felt appropriate to kiss before the major intimate act of desire. Sara kissed her again, same passion, a bit quicker.

Sara's both hands were on her hips as she sat on her lap, legs parted on each side of Sara's waist. They kissed more for a few minutes, she cherished every kiss and everytime their tongues collided and shied away. "Are you wet?" Sara asked between their kisses, her only response was the way Tegan added more force to the kiss, the way she faintly moaned. "You're gonna have to get dry because I'm not gonna do anything about it." Sara smirked and bit her lower lip, that's when Tegan let out a louder moan. Sara laughed in return. "No, seriously, I would love for us to fuck right here, right now, but you should get ready, we're going out for dinner."

"Dinner?" Dinner meant a date, a date with Sara would be something magical according to Tegan, she had often fantasized about it, many times. "But like, isn't it kinda risky?" It's the weekend, they lived in a small town, anybody from university could spot them, anybody could see Sara and her student dining in the diner she and her friends often went to. Perhaps someone would spot them at the fancy restaurant with the French name she was never able to pronounce.

Sara didn't seem bothered, nor afraid as well. "Out of town, I know where to go." She sat there, contemplating. A part of her wanted to show Sara off, to make every person jealous of who she's with. Another part within her didn't ask for much, it only required the affection Sara gave, it only asked to be around Sara, just like they are now, closely seated together, filling each other's presence with warmth escaping from their mouths and body heat. "I know you're really horny right now, and trust me, I would much rather eat your pussy than eat dinner out, but I really wanna go on a date with you."

She choked on her own saliva and gasped, her cheeks firing with heat. "Oh my god that's not why I'm still sitting." She spoke quickly, hurriedly standing up, watching as her lover laughed and chortled at her sudden embarrassment, at the way she stuttered and flushed maddeningly. "You...you're..." She wasn't able to form a sentence, a coherent one at least. Nobody had ever spoken to her that way. "You're so vulgar."

"Oh baby," Sara seemed to find it humorous to see her run over with coyness. "you're such a good girl." She pouted at that, she abhorred being called that. "You're so gonna lose your innocence with me. You're gonna be so fucking naughty."

"You're such a tease." She mumbled.

**...**

Dimmed lights, massive chandeliers, spacious area filled with round tables and elegant chairs. Flowers decorated the tables. Spoons, knives, and forks arranged with full etiquette with fine spotless plates, amazingly arranged napkins on top. Sara had already made a reservation for two, and their table was ready when they arrived.

Ladies and gentlemen in dresses and suits sat in different tables. Their hushed chatter clashed and mingled with the sound of the dull piano and the crackling of their forks and knives chopping off the pieces of well done steak, making sure to engulf as little bites as they could, and wiping their mouths with a napkin after each bite. They didn't do much to enjoy their victuals as much as they tried hard not to be stained by the thick mushroom sauce and not to have a piece of meat stuck between their pearly white, well aligned teeth.

The whole atmosphere reminded her of her family, especially the gatherings in Christmas at her grandmother's house. She would always be the odd one out. Her cousins wore mini dresses, all kind of colours and styles. Their hair, long, bleached and curled perfectly. Their manicured nails and high heels stood at attention. Their make up, even though heavy, still elegant. While she, on the other hand, her hair would be poorly combed, her nails with no colour on them, short and bitten. Her attire mainly consisted of black trousers and a simple sweater, that's when she wanted to seem a bit fancy, she would neglect wearing her jeans and converse. Barely any make up would cover her face.

She was thankful that her mother never minded, she was thankful that her family didn't complain about her attire. That one time she attempted wearing a dress in Christmas, she regretted it badly. She didn't even know how to sit, she remembers arguing with her grandmother, "It's like pants without the inside leg thingy. I don't like it, I can't sit like they do." Her grandmother smiled and sighed. Her mother smiled and patted her on the back. The other time she attempted wearing a dress was at her prom. No denying, she looked very charming in that red one. She even tried her mother's red lipstick, it was hard to digest at first, but she became used to her appearance an hour or two after. Her schoolmates had their jaws dropped, eyes narrowed, and mouths moved in whispers. Nonetheless, she remained persistent not to wear dresses or skirts again, simply, she didn't feel comfortable in them, it wasn't who she is, it never will be who she is.

Her head shifted and turned, taking glances around her. The waiters looked better than she did, she thought. A fancy restaurant and a well-dressed Sara didn't go along with her disheveled state. Even Sara, who didn't wear a dress, had worn a skirt. Nothing new about that, she seldom did it. Her black skirt stopped at her knees. A turquoise top covered her torso. She hadn't ever seen Sara in it. It was tucked under her skirt and the sleeves stopped just a little bit beneath her elbows. A long necklace adorning her chest, her prominent collarbones standing to attention, revealing the remains of hungry kisses Tegan had painted on the pale flesh this morning. She, on the other hand, still had the same skinny blue jeans since the morning. She changed her black and blue plaid shirt with another plaid shirt, it was red and navy, however. She also changed her black and white converse with the red and white ones. Her hair remained resting on her shoulders, as flat as it could be, while Sara's fringe was curled and covered her copper eyes. While looking at Sara. she also noticed something other than the pearl earrings that she had just taken notice of, Sara's profile picture on Facebook, the one she hadn't changed since summer, the one in the blue button down and no smile, it was at the same place, same lights, same tables, exactly same direction. Sara had visited this place as it appeared, and surely, she wasn't alone. Nobody was alone in here, nobody could stand to be alone. "You like this place?" Curiosity tottered inside of her, she wondered who Sara had taken on a date in here last summer. She wondered if she took all her girls here.

"I really do." Sara smiled with a nod. She studied the menu closely. "Come on, we need to order."

Tegan took a look at her menu as well, she didn't know what to order. She wasn't a fan of red meat. "Their steaks are fantastic." Sara commented.

"I think I'll go with chicken, not a fan of red meat."

After the waiter had taken their orders and supplied them with Sara's favourite alcoholic beverage, red wine, silence was their mate again, which gave Tegan the chance once again to pry on Sara's past with her beating curiosity. "You come here often?" She asked. Sara shook her head and sipped from her glass. "Do you take all your girls on dates here?" She winked, only to appear joking and not at all obsessively digging details she wanted to find out.

Sara giggled. "Oh you." She shook her head. "So sly, aren't you?" She blushed at getting caught. "I don't know what you're trying to know exactly, but no, I do not take my girls here. Believe it or not, I haven't dated since Jack." She whispered an 'Oh'. There was no way to find out who Sara was with when she had her picture taken without sounding as an obsessive partner, which she kind of was.

"What about, umm..." She took a sip from her own glass. "sex?"

Sara nodded, also something she did while thinking. "After the divorce," She paused, more thinking. "I went into a state of grave depression. It's probably why my past students hate me. I wasn't aware of how many people I was hurting while being hurt. You know when you suddenly lose all you had and there's just no point anymore in anything? I decided to take it all out on each human being I saw, and those whom I saw each day were my students. I had no friend in here and no partner. I drowned myself with work and abused these kids' energies and abilities to the degree I was threatened I'd be kicked out. I had no time or space to be in a relationship, or rather I didn't want to, I was very bitter, very angry at the world around me, and very unthankful, I suppose." She listened to Sara speak of her past, her tragic past that she only spoke off when pushed and pressed to do so. She felt guilty awakening past pains and former loss that her lover had to deal with. "I didn't even sleep around, I felt old, I felt ugly. I thought I lost my charm and my youth. I felt like I lost my womanhood at one point. I spent the time pushing people's buttons in the morning, and mourning at nights. If I was aroused I would rely on my hands to do the work. But came the point where I couldn't touch myself anymore..." She had been depressed before and she had felt what depression was like, but she never felt it the way Sara had just explained it. At least she had friends and family who sensed it and helped her to get through it, Sara only had herself in this cold, lonely city. "I was struck with something later and I suppose it was my wake up call. Then I realized I wasn't thankful, I was selfish thinking I had lost everything until I really reached the peak, I reached the point of losing everything. I realized later that I was stupid, that what I had was nothing and what happened was a punishment for not being satisfied with myself. I didn't mourn anymore though, I sought help. I decided I should beat what kicked me down. I went to therapy, I had hope that I was going to recover, that loss is a state of mind, and I can conquer it if I was determined. And I decided not to be so hard on myself or on others. I decided to smile and be gentle, to think before I speak, and I decided that these people around me, as happy as they seem, they could be dealing with worse afflictions than mine." How can one human being be as inspirational as her lover? She would never strive to find out.

Sara left a part she clearly didn't want to discuss, Tegan didn't press more, she just smiled while hearing her speak. She smiled genuinely while Sara spoke with cold emotions, while she, on the other hand, was a tank of streaming emotions. "And you know what happened afterward? It's like having faith was all I needed. It's as if the stars smiled down at me when I finally did smile. Uh..." Her ears reddened, she tucked the hair on her face behind her flushed ear. "you came in the picture, my health started to get better, mostly spiritually, but later I fully recovered." Oh right, she did have a health issue, one she obviously wasn't willing to speak of. "Everything took a while, but then things moved quickly, and I felt alive once again, I felt happy once again and I was back to my old self, or even better. I don't think and bite my nails over a past I can't repair, now I just look forward to what the future holds for me. And this is much healthier than thinking of what's dead and gone, you know."

Sara often told her to smile, and perhaps now she understood the reason behind it. She kept looking at the woman who moved her and shattered her world in the best way possible. Perhaps God had put her in that woman's way in order to help the woman and not her. Perhaps it was mostly faith in order to reward that faithful woman's beating heart. Perhaps she was chosen out of all these people and put in that class in order to be the miracle the woman asked for. That whole time she cursed her, that time she called her cold and selfish, the times she felt her distant and hard to decipher, she regrets them now. The charming woman seated before her had gone through many turmoils and hardships, yet she only saw the side she wanted to see, the fearful black dot inside the woman's white heart.

Absentmindedly, she moved her hand and touched Sara's warm one's on top of the table, it was her turn to rub the soft skin with her thumb, to smile at the woman who cherished the act of smiling, and the woman smiled back. "Can I kiss you?" She asked and she earned a quick nod right away. She leaned in from across the table and pecked her woman with as much passion she could deliver as possible, both hands on Sara's cheeks and eyes shut. When they parted, a pink hue tainted their cheeks as they noticed their orders were ready to be served and put on their table. She whispered a sorry to the man in his twenties with their plates, who as well seemed flushed watching their act of affection in a public place.

Dinner was quiet for the most part, she liked the quiet, especially after the amount of information she had just absorbed from Sara. She thought about every word her professor had said, she repeated every sentence in her brain. She wondered what Sara was dealing with, what kind of health issue that caused the great awakening as she described it to be. She wondered if the woman seated before her was truly fine and healthy. She didn't visit doctors anymore, which assured her that she is fine, she seemed fine anyway. She had seen her taking two round pills this morning, she asked her what were they for, Sara answered they were to balance her hormones, she said women at her age sometimes needed them, and quickly dismissed the subject. Tegan didn't insist, she made a mental note to ask her mother about such a thing, but then again, her mother will ask dozens of questions about her curiosity, so she neglected the idea quickly. She would ask Sara about them again, some other time, she thought. Other than that, Sara appeared perfectly healthy, physically and mentally.

At the time being, she couldn't help but notice eyes were on them, her mostly. She knew the act of kissing her lover, who also was a woman, who even though not much, but still appeared older than her simply by her mannerism and attire, had given them some unneeded attention. She folded her arms against her chest, feeling slightly uncomfortable. "What's wrong?" Sara asked. Sara saw it, she always sees it. Perhaps she wasn't as subtle as she thought she was, perhaps Sara was just able to tell what she's feeling.

"Everybody's looking at us. Or me, kinda." She looked to her sides again. A middle-aged man shifted his gaze immediately after their eyes connected. "They're probably like, why is this gorgeous woman kissing her gay younger brother or something."

Sara giggled at that, her sweet ringing giggle. Her turn to reach for Tegan's hand and hold it in her own. "They should know better than to judge a woman for loving her gay younger brother."

If her heart hadn't already melted and dissolved into a puddle of trembling emotions, now it did, now her world stopped, the eyes of tons of humans around her didn't matter no more. Her heart drummed within her body, she felt church bells ringing, celebrating the first ever declaration of Sara's love towards her.

Even though it didn't come out in the old-fashioned way, _'I love you'_. It came out in a sweet sentence and it sounded way better, much better than she expected it. She needn't a declaration of honest love the way she knew of, that was enough for her, it came concealed in a sentence, but it was there and it was present. Sara's love for her is all she needed to make sure the woman felt the same as she did, and tonight proved it all. Sara opened up more, she spoke about herself, she wasn't cold, she didn't push away after reaching out, she stayed near and declared her love, and that alone made it all up and will make it all up for future doubts.

Sara didn't drink much for she was driving, thus Tegan didn't drink much as well. She didn't want to be the only one drinking, she didn't want to reach the level of drunkenness, not with a sober Sara. God knows what might happen when they return to Sara's apartment, and she didn't want to miss anything that might happen.

But nothing much did happen. They were both rather tired and exhausted with the long day they had. At first, they both had other plans. They took off their shoes in the dark room, only a lamp on the bedside table was lit. They climbed Sara's bed slowly. Tegan rested her head on the headboard and Sara followed, sitting between her hunched knees, facing her with a smile on her lips. They kissed for a while. Their kisses were mostly romantic and sweet rather than hungry and lust-filled. Their eyes were closed as they enjoyed the tranquility their locked lips descended upon their heads, putting them into a trance, clearing their minds of any unnecessary thoughts, and causing them to relax by the sounds of their soft breaths and barely audible moans.

After their serene kisses, Sara rested her head on the younger woman's shoulder, while Tegan did the job of feeling dominance for once and rubbing her back, the way her lover always did to her. She felt her heated neck being pecked by her lover, her own hand flew lower, subconsciously unzipping Sara's skirt from the side. She closed her eyes while enjoying the warm and wet kisses on her neck, she threw her head back, and with her two hands, she helped Sara out of her skirt without even being aware of doing it. She noticed that she had done it when Sara abandoned her neck, when she sobered up once again and opened her eyes, stared into Sara's honey ones, full of pure water, full of calm adoration.

Sara helped her out of her shirt after that. She watched her professor unbuttoning it, she studied her long fingers toying with each button till it came undone. Slowly, revealing her spectacular chest, covered by a purple bra, which didn't cover much, which made Sara, after licking her bottom lip, giggle a bit. It caused her to blush and look away. "I like when you wear colourful bras, especially when they're small." Sara looked up at her, she had her lip bitten and tortured by her sharp teeth. "Not that I don't like your choice of undergarment. I find it very appealing and sexy." She could only smile at her lover. When she became embarrassed, she usually lost the ability to speak.

Her shirt finally left her body, and her bra followed it right after. Though one thing stayed, and it was the necklace which was hidden beneath the shirt, the same necklace Sara once claimed hers if she ever failed Tegan. It fell between the valley of her naked breasts, Sara examined the cube with her fingers and her eyes. "I actually like this necklace."

Tegan grinned. "I know. You should keep it." Sara took it off of her, and the chain almost got stuck in her tangled locks. The necklace found its place on the bedside table, and nowhere near Sara's neck.

"I like it when you wear it." Her hand moved to Tegan's breasts, gently cupped them and released them after a second. "You have such beautiful breasts."

"I don't like them." She wasn't sure what was about to happen. Were they about to make love, or was Sara declaring her desire for her body parts one after the other?

Sara pulled her own top up and dragged it off her head. Her hair no longer as neat when it fell on her face. She took off her own necklace as well and brushed her hair away. Only a lace black bra with matching underwear covered her skin, Tegan was still in her jeans. "You should love them." She finally said. "You should love your body. You have a great body. You should love every part of it."

"They're really big. it's uncomfortable. Everybody stares at them." Sara was now helping her off her jeans. She lifted her hips a bit in order to slide it down.

"Who cares? Be comfortable with what you're given. What you have is beautiful, cherish it and love it." Sara looked into her student's eyes, which forced Tegan to smile and nod. Sara kissed her rose coloured cheek and faced her once again, pulling the straps of her bra down her thin arms.

She noticed the marks she had left on Sara's chest this morning, she recalled the discourse she and Emy had about them. They were very visible even when the lights were off. "Today in class, you shirt was really low and,"

Sara smirked and cut her off. "Do I have an overprotective partner?" Partner, also that word confirmed they're dating. Sara hadn't asked her to be her girlfriend, and she hadn't asked as well. But Sara had just referred to her as her partner, which sounded even better and more mature to her ears.

"No, that's not what I meant." Sara raised one eyebrow. "I mean yes, I am overprotective, but not in that sense. I was saying that umm, these..." She pointed at the love marks her own mouth had formed just this morning. "they were really visible and like everybody noticed them in class, even Emy commented on them." She bit her lip when she mentioned her best friend's name, knowing how badly it rings in Sara's ears.

Sara nodded again, with her mischievous famous smirk. "I wear them with pride, my dear." She whispered. "Did Emy know you made them?" She wouldn't know what to answer, yes, Emy knew, but would telling Sara be a great idea? And Sara was waiting for the answer, she stared at her all throughout contemplating to lie or to tell the truth. She sighed instead, and nodded.

Sara, however, she grinned from ear to ear. "Good." She said with cunning pride, with glorious ego. It was her intention to get to the best friend, to show the love Tegan and her had shared and share, to paint it with images since she couldn't declare it out loud to everybody around them.

No coital happened that night. Following their little conversation and clothes dismissing, they sprawled on the mattress. Tegan on the bottom and Sara on top of her. They were both sleepy, and even if sex was on their mind at first, their hooded eyes didn't allow them to recall what was their motivation no more.

Sara's breaths were very hot on Tegan's chest, she whispered, "Last Friday, at this time, I was very anguished with what I've done to you. Your crying face made me stay up all night. I thought about how I could fix it all night. I didn't sleep at all. I even pondered visiting you at your dorm. I didn't want to make matters worse, though."

It's been a week, a week since she broke down in front of her professor's eyes, a week since she accused her lover of harassment, a week since she cried her heart out the first time in front of her lover. The previous week at such time, she was crying on Emy's lap. Her distress felt massive and never ending, she thought she would never recover, and she thought she had lost her almost lover. But now, she is lying in her arms, or to be specific, her lover, her actual lover is lying in her arms, and if that isn't magic, she didn't want to know what it was.

They stayed like that for some time until both of them drifted to sleep.

Saturday morning was calm and quiet. They woke up together. When Sara shifted and moved, Tegan opened her eyes. They remained in their positions for a few minutes until they both gained the sufficient energy to rise up and start their day.

They had a breakfast meal together. Sara made her famous sour cream waffles, as she referred to them. And Tegan consumed the delicious meal with moans of gratification at the taste. She was so full and declared she wouldn't be able to eat anything the whole day.

Sara later showered, and Tegan watched television while waiting for her turn to shower.

In the afternoon, Tegan spoke with her friends, they arranged meeting at the bar, their usual routine each Saturday. She had spoken with Sara about the division of time over breakfast. "I will join you at the bar as well. Like I do too. On my table. You be with your friends." Sara said.

She was tentative about Sara's plans. She wasn't sure if Sara merely wanted to practice her weekly routine as well, or it was a way of spying on her. She liked to give Sara the benefit of the doubt and think it is what she wanted to do. "You will come back here, though. Right?" Sara bit her lip when she asked.

"Aren't you sick of me?"

"Why would I be sick of you? You're a delightful company." Sara winked.

"My mom says I am a troubling company."

"I am not your mum." Sara smiled

Sara wasn't her mother, and she needed to stop comparing the two of them. They were nothing alike. It's gruesome to keep doing that. She was sleeping with Sara for God's sake. She needed to stop viewing Sara as a frightening woman. Sara was sweet and she was her partner. She should look at her that way, or at least treat her that way.

The night did come, and she joined her friends at the bar. Sara was seated there as well. Sara was very focused on a book she had started that morning. She didn't even glance her way, which gave her a relief. Sara wasn't spying or prying on her personal space after all.

Her friends slowly drank themselves to the state of mind loss. She did too. And they were giggling loudly, that's when Sara started eyeing her lover from a peripheral vision. Her concerned orbs scanned the wasted woman. "It was so fucked up. Oh my god." Emy giggled as loud as she could. Loud music blocked her sharp octave. They were speaking about random subjects, jumping from one to the other. Jeremy told them about when he and Emy were chosen king and queen of the dance in high school. How everybody thought they were dating. "We laughed so hard on stage. It was awful."

"I told you somebody opened the door when we were hitting it in Sam's party that summer." Jeremy stated. Lindsey and Tegan looked at the two of them with wide eyes. Emy giggled once again.

"It was locked you idiot. I locked it. I'm pretty sure of that." She took a sip of her third beer bottle of the night. Tegan continued staring with wide eyes. "Dude that was such an awful night. I probably turned gay because of it."

"Wait. What the fuck is going on in here? You two slept together?" Lindsey's question caused Sara, who apparently was paying more attention to their sloppy chat rather than her book, to turn around and look at them.

Emy nudged Tegan who was looking at her friends. She averted her gaze and was met with Sara's worried eyes. She thought Lindsey was speaking of them, of her and Sara. She wanted to assure her that it wasn't any of that sort, but Sara again turned her face and pretended to read from her book.

"Ya ya. It was our first time. We were like let's lose it to each other in the dark and not embarrass ourselves in front of our partners in the future." Emy waved her hand as if she was speaking of nothing of importance.

It was ironic. Emy had slept with both of her best friends. One was a sensitive topic to speak about, and the other, she did not give a fuck about. "You guys are a mess." Lindsey mumbled. Tegan agreed quietly. The thoughts of Sara consumed her mind heavily.

She didn't know how she was going to return to Sara's apartment. She was too drowsy and very dizzy to walk, even if it was a street away. She didn't want to be seen by her friends. She wanted to remain unnoticed.

She waited till both of her friends left, the friends who didn't know. They thought she would leave with Emy, but soon enough she broke the news to Emy that she was going to leave with her professor, leaving Emy to walk alone in the harsh cold back to their dorm, while she enjoyed the comfort and warmth of Sara's car. The ride was barely a minute, and Tegan was very tired to leave the passenger seat. "Can't we just crash in here? I'm tired." Tegan yawned.

Her lover opened the door for her, and helped her out as well. "If I could, I'd carry you. But we'll end up on the floor like yesterday in the shower, and my back is still being a bitch to me."

She was escorted to the bed of comfort that is becoming her safe zone day after day. She closed her eyes while her lover helped her out of her clothes. The pillow was so soft and her head was a wandering island full of thoughts and questions. Sara's hands were very tender on her skin, they took care of the sensitive flesh.

She smiled and opened her eyes again, she was only clad in her blue boxers, Sara was beginning to undress herself. Sara smiled to her once again. "What does it taste like to eat a girl out?" Her mind had picked the most random of thoughts to release out. Sara's eyes shot open, she was clearly not expecting the question.

Sara stayed in her place, half naked, with legs crossed on the bed. "Uh, It doesn't have a particular taste. It just tastes good." She shrugged.

The student yawned. "I've always imagined it could taste like peaches." At that, Sara's eyes grew wider, her eyebrows raised. She giggled, she was extremely wasted. "You know I love peaches, so ya, I don't know. I would think it tastes like that."

Sara had a red hue covering her entire face, it was hard to believe she was coy discussing that with drunk Tegan. "It doesn't." Sara said. "Pussy tastes like pussy." The younger woman snorted at that, she had a smile on her face as well. "And it tastes good, but not like peaches."

"I wanna taste you." Tegan said, not a bit of bashfulness touching her. When Tegan was drunk, she didn't become shy, she didn't hesitate, she didn't overthink, and she said whatever crossed her mind. She would do what she's afraid to do when sober, she would say what she would never think of saying when wide awake and aware of what she might be saying.

Sara fell beside her, she laughed loudly at Tegan's request. She looked at her student and laughed once again. Tegan pouted, and childishly elbowed her professor's arm. "Oww." She laughed once again, rubbing the sore spot Tegan had left. "Babe, I really think you should sleep."

"But I wanna eat you out." Her famous pout, her hooded eyes, her tired features, her hair sprawled on the pillow, her fresh face, they made her look pure and innocent, which contrasted with the words that came out of her mouth.

Sara covered both of them with the fluffy quilt. She turned off the low light coming from the lamp and sighed with content. Tegan was still pouting. "I don't think you'll remember what I taste like in the morning. And you'll probably sleep in the middle of it."

She was very sure Sara said something else, but before she could hear it, she drifted off to sleep, leaving Sara to speak with herself.

**...**

**May 3rd, 2043**

Following these two months of mirth, there came the disaster month, or perhaps the disastrous two months which followed. April and May, they morphed from my favourite months to my worst memories. I can't even come to the proper realization on how quickly things deteriorated. We were happy one day, laughing, joking, and loving each other. The next we were apart in our own war of minds, we drifted that quickly and all of a sudden. It's as if the magic had been broken. I was then destined to lose my greatest love and my favourite human.

I wish I wasn't as inconsiderate. I wish I thought before my hurtful actions. I wish I had a mature mind which was able to put up with the sufferings. I am still remorseful, and I do blame myself even when I told you I blamed Sara. I was a child, a stupid, irresponsible, selfish child. I was selfish and I am still selfish. Always thinking of myself and my own happiness, never thinking about what the other might be going through. I always ruin what's dear to me with my selfishness and overthinking. Only if I saw behind the crystal ball, only if I bothered to think about her more, only if I wasn't so much of an idiot. Only if.


	21. Dirty Talk and Silence

**Chapter 21: Dirty Talk and Silence.**

**February, 2014**

She's been awake for about an hour approximately, simply contemplating about the state she is in. She couldn't help not to smile. The previous Sunday, she had awaken at the same hour, but was feeling the opposite to what she is feeling at the current time. She opened her eyes to find her friend by her side last Sunday morning. Both of them lacked clothes and she lacked memories of the previous night, unlike her state at the moment. She's able to remember with specific details what she had uttered and what she had done post her return from the bar. She recalled what she had said to Sara and what Sara had answered her, and even though it coloured her cheeks to remember such things, she was still determined and curious about the matter of tasting Sara.

Sara was asleep, however. Peacefully drowning in her wildest slumber. The way Sara slept looked as if she had been sleeping for centuries, it was always a delight for Tegan to wake up to her sleeping beauty. Sara took so much space within her slumber, pushing her student to the edge of the mattress while she spread her arms and legs in her sleep, unlike Tegan who curled in a small ball when she slept.

She pushed the older woman gently. "Sara." She wanted to wake her up, she wanted her company in the morning. Her professor groaned without opening her eyes. "Sara, wake up." Deliberately, she tangled her cold left foot with her professor's warm right one, smirking wickedly when the older woman flinched away and groaned once again.

She crawled beneath the quilt and took a peek at their exposed bodies. Her hand moved swiftly to her professor's abdomen, resting it there. Sara huffed at her attempts. "Let me sleep." She whined. "It's Sunday for God's sake, go back to sleep." Tegan was already seated between her lover's legs, which were gracefully spread before her.

When her stubborn fingers traveled to her lover's crotch, her lover flinched once again, squeezing Tegan's fingers between her thighs. This reminded the younger woman of herself when she was first touched by Sara. It was irritating, now she sees what Sara had to deal with. "You're not wet." Her whisper came out in a pitch of guilt and coyness, it's as if she wanted nobody to hear it but herself and her excited mind.

Sara heard her and groaned for the third time. She pushed her head inside the quilt in order to look at her partner sitting between her legs. "I was dreaming of my parents, I'd honestly be worried if I woke up wet." Her fresh face and her hoarse voice left Tegan smiling into space. Exhausted eyes and swollen lids barely exposing honey irises. "What the fuck are you doing, Tegan?" Clearly annoyed with Tegan's position and the movement of her digits on the crotch of her underwear, she asked once again, "Don't you have a hangover or something?" Surprisingly, she didn't.

Sara pushed her head back on the pillow, Tegan wasn't sure if it was the result of her massaging and touching her professor's covered sex or Sara was simply tired and wanted to go back to sleep. She decided to inspect by herself, forcing the meaty thighs apart, not that Sara minded much, she allowed her to do so with ease, pushing the thin fabric to the side and dipping her index between her lover's slit. She wasn't wet, she wasn't dry either, she was getting there, but not as drenched as Tegan herself was. "You're still not wet." She said louder this time, curling her lips in a pout.

Sara shifted and turned to the side, sleeping on one side and depriving Tegan from fulfilling her morning wishes. "Try to get me wet."

"Is that a dare?" She gained no response, but she could feel Sara devilishly grinning while burying her head on the soft pillow. If it was a dare, she was willing to do it, and she was going to make Sara wet, and taste Sara, and make Sara scream for her lips. She was nervous but not scared.

She discarded the quilt off their bodies and to the ground it was sent flying. She earned what she expected, Sara shuddering as the chilliness of the room hit her skin, awakening the tiny goosebumps on every exposed part. In usual circumstances, if Sara had been the one doing such things, she would be suffering the heat of her flushed skin, the heat of teenage youth, and the heat of vibrating embarrassment. But the circumstances were different, and she was the one in charge. When she felt that she is in charge, she was able to regain her lost confidence for the time being, she's able to do what she usually wouldn't do. Sara allowed her to experience with the dominant side within her, especially in bed, and she adored that. Nobody ever had allowed her to step out of her comfort zone and try things she wouldn't usually try. In her classes, she wouldn't usually speak up unless she was fully sure of her opinion, otherwise she would be quiet and only hear what her classmates utter. Even with her friends, she would usually be the quiet one, the one who waits before she speaks or does anything, the careful one. With her family, she is looked at as the insecure one, which she was, and she was belittled and underestimated in many aspects by her cousins or her peers. Only Sara, who was much more experienced and much older, allowed her to shine and look into the darkest corners of her mind. Subtly and not much explicitly, she challenged her in searching for who she is, what she wanted to do, and what she wanted to say. If it wasn't Sara, she wouldn't be willing to get whoever shall be there wet and please them in the early hours of the morning, she'd in fact be very daunted in feeling that she might err and not do what shall be done correctly. With Sara, there was a place for her to make mistakes and to laugh at them, even though the woman owned such frightening eyes and such cold tendencies, when she unzipped her iron woman costume, she was a land of ecstasy and a place one would want to dwell in for the rest of eternity.

She caressed the soft skin of Sara's thighs, slowly directing the older woman to lay on her back once again, and Sara with ease followed her student's guiding hands. Her eyes weren't shut, they were open in slits and looking down at Tegan, nothing apparent on her face, no emotion. Tegan parted her legs, and on her part, Sara spread them as wide as she could, giving Tegan the required scenery she asked for.

Her milky thighs were as inviting as the aroma seeping out of her cunt. Tegan was aware she had already and quickly aroused the woman without any further touching, but she wanted to tease more and more, she wanted to discover her lover's body by her mouth and by the length of her tongue. She took a hold of the meat on her thighs, pinched a bit and looked up at her lover, who had her lips slightly apart. She smiled, lowering her mouth on the pale skin, gently kissing her right thigh, and gently kissing the other, softly biting the right thigh, then softly biting the other. She traced the flesh with her tongue, a kiss, a bite and a suck, Sara's breaths were beginning to be audible as she inhaled, her eyes were closed and her lips were distant from one another. She smiled again and slid down the drenched underwear, the wet spot as visible as everything else in the brightly sunlight-lit room.

If she could push Sara's legs farther apart, she would have, but she didn't want her lover to feel any discomfort or pain. The sight in front of her was just marvelous, her lovers juices were dripping, and she hadn't touched her there yet. She had turned her on and made her wet simply by touching her skin, her legs, her thighs. But Sara too, she managed to turn her on many times by speaking solely, or just by being there, present in class, ranting about things that Tegan had no care for.

Her clit was engorged and her mouth was eager to take it in, but she didn't do so, she touched the button with her index, very lightly placing the pad of her finger on the hood, making Sara pop her eyes open and for them to look into each other's hungry orbs. She didn't press, she didn't rotate her finger, she moved it to the side, also very lightly, circling the tips, very lightly that her touch was almost nonexistent, not vigorous. Sara's breaths were very heavy and her lower lip was bitten, it's as if she was insisting not to release a sound. She stroked the growing hair on her mound, barely there, but still can be seen with naked eyes, she stroked the puffiness of her lips, not willing to take a dip beneath her pink awaiting slit.

She had mustered the confidence to touch with no hesitancy, but the cost was sweating exceedingly, drops of perspiration collected on her brow, as her very flushed face was filled with the heat of lust, thrill, and love, all of them.

Sara finally let out a sound, a tiny whimper, and when she looked up, she saw how tightly her lover's eyes were closed, she saw the grip she had taken on the sheets beneath them, she saw how hardly she had bitten her lip, she wanted to hear her voice. She lowered her face to Sara's cunt, she breathed in the scent of her lust, she closed her eyes and spoke while her mouth was only an inch away from Sara's clit, "When was the last time somebody ate you out?" She wasn't even sure where did that confidence of speech spring out from, she didn't even stutter and didn't falter.

Sara's beet red ears were her muse, they were so red she wanted to bite them harshly, she wanted to kiss her flushed face, she wanted to kiss the abused lips on her mouth. Sara took a tighter grip on the sheet, and placed a palm on top of her forehead, she was beginning to sweat. She opened her eyes and moved her lips, "A long time ago." Her voice was very thick, very thick and very low, her arousal and deprivation of penetration caused her to sound as manly as possible while still owning a feminine timbre to her lisp. "Six or seven years, I...I don't remember." Six or seven years ago Tegan didn't even know what cunnilingus was, but now she does and she was going to perform it for the first time in her life on her lover, on her much experienced lover. She sweated more.

With the tip of her tongue, and while her eyes were still focused on Sara's ones, she wet the swollen clit, causing Sara to break their intense eye contact and close her eyes once again. She moved her tongue slowly, rotating it this way and that, moving it just the way she learned to do with her fingers, to the left and then to the right, up and down, hearing the faint gasps which are beginning to become audible whenever she put in some speed. She moved the length of her tongue between the ocean of her slit, the wetness that met her taste buds overwhelmed her, she wanted more and more.

Sara let out her first moan, her first ever audible desire for more when Tegan's lips sucked the button. She began to squirm and slightly shake. Tegan's lips sucked, and her tongue often went past her lips and took more of the taste that she longed for, and whenever Sara let out more voices, she would hide her tongue beneath her lips. She also pinched the flesh of her thighs each now and then while still sucking and licking her lover's clit, until one of her hands were taken with harsh strength and directed to her lover's breast. She cupped it as Sara cupped her own hand, squeezing it and pushing it harder on her own breast. She stopped her action and took a look at the sight before her. Her professor had abused the sheets beneath them, ridding them out of the mattress, sweat ran between the valley of her breasts, above her forehead, and atop of her chest, much like Tegan herself. Sara had her eyes opened with not only confusion, but warm fuzzy love swimming on the brink of her lids. They smiled at each other, a loving smile, a tender one, which made Tegan for the first time this morning blush as hard as she could, as hard as she used to.

However, that didn't stop her from returning to give Sara the pleasure she deserves. A wet patch had formed on the purple sheets between her lover's leg, she loved that patch and didn't want it to be erased, she wanted it to grow bigger, thus she dipped her tongue again in her lover's slit, and with her free hand she parted her lips in order to get a better chance to stiffen her tongue and push it inside Sara's slick opening, gaining many reactions all at once from her lover.

Sara's back is now arched, and her hand that was abusing the inanimate sheets once, now they are pulling on Tegan's hair pushing her face forward. Silent Sara became louder and more audible, grunting and as well bucking her hips forward, almost riding Tegan's face, almost.

As Sara's hips were a bit raised of the mattress, her legs wrapped around Tegan's head, she palmed one ass cheek by her free hand while the other was in a tight hold with Sara, who was still pushing her palm to her breast, which probably ached, but Sara didn't seem to mind.

Her own mouth relished the rolling of bones inside Sara's skin and the confidence of muscle. Her tongue reveled at the sweetness of taste and the wetness of Sara's fluids as her tongue moved in and out, the brim of her nose touching Sara's clit as the woman pushed her more and more to her cunt, obstructing the ability to take a good breath.

Sara came on her face, and she came very hard, once again with a scream that filled the silence of the apartment, a scream that most probably reached the neighbors in its high-pitched feminine jubilation. And on her part, Tegan grinned big after raising her head up, watching Sara's legs shake and wobble on the mattress, watching her lips quiver and hearing her wheeze and pant for air. She felt triumphant and she felt happy. She licked the remains of Sara's juices that collected on her lips, not able to reach the dampness of her lover's orgasm that tainted her cheeks, she was a damp mess, mixed with come and sweat, if she could look more into her lover's warm eyes, she would mash tears into the equation. But Sara didn't let her, she took her by the same hand cupping her breast and led her back on top. Sara's left breast was filled with her own nail marks, she hadn't realized she was pushing her short nails on the soft flesh while her lover was pushing her face more and more between her legs.

Before she could kiss Sara's lips, she kissed every mark she caused on her breast, but Sara didn't wait longer, she cupped her chin in the middle of the action and guided her to her face, kissed her with more ravishing appetence than ever, held her waist tightly with her hands and kissed more and more, moaned while their lips collided, moaned again when she licked her lips, which caused Tegan to moan and to faintly grind her clothed crotch on her lover's naked one, they both moaned together.

It left Tegan astonished when the older woman moved her tongue across her face, adding more to the wet mixture, licking and kissing while her hand swiftly rid Tegan of her uncomfortable boxers, she kicked them out of her legs while the older woman took a hold of one breast, squeezing much like she was doing to herself earlier, digging her nails on the mound, causing Tegan to let out a soft cry. "You like how I taste?" Sara began to tease, she looked in her lover's eyes as she kneaded her breast, Tegan rocked her crotch on Sara's, she was very close. "I taste good, don't I?" Sara's cockiness drove her mad, she moaned and rocked harder, but Sara was not willing to help, she was not willing to rock with her and join their bodies together so she could reach her orgasm. "Naughty little Tegan. And I thought you were shy." She tsked with a smirk, Tegan buried her face in Sara's neck. "Your pussy is so wet you can't even speak, can you?" The dirty talking was making her need become animalistic, she wanted friction, she wanted a touch, she wanted what she had just given Sara. She stood up, stood between Sara's body. Sara looked up at her with big fascinated orbs.

She walked on the mattress until she stood above her lover's head. She looked down at Sara's wide-eyed gaze, she couldn't believe what she was doing. Sara stared at her, but most importantly, she wasn't able to remove her gaze from the sight atop of her face. "You shaved." She stated while looking at Tegan's bare mound. "Even though I can take a better look now, I really did love your bush." At that, the younger woman gasped, she didn't know what the hell she was doing, or where she was standing, and the way Sara spoke to her and stared at her private area discarded every piece of confidence she once owned. A push from Sara what she needed to continue without collapsing in sheepish giggles at herself, and a push from Sara she earned when the woman took a hold of her hips, guiding her body down, down, down until her knees were on the mattress, and her pussy was barely an inch away from Sara's opened mouth.

She held on the headboard for leverage as Sara performed exactly the same actions she had just done but without any teasing at the beginning. But Sara's mouth was more experienced, or so she thought. Her tongue didn't stay at one place, it kept moving, licking her clit in a way that it caused sounds to arise in the room, sounds other than her guttural moans and heavy grunts, she lapped at her button and smirked each time she left it and caused her to groan. She ran her tongue along her slit and moved it up and down very quickly that Tegan could not manage but start rocking her hips.

If Sara wasn't teasing at the beginning she began to do so now, taking all her time and enjoying watching her student shake and squirm and bounce up and down as she held her hips. She would often pause her action to take a look at Tegan's swaying breasts, she would reach out for one and palm it, she would press at the nipple and tweak it. Their eyes would meet, she would smile and Tegan would attempt to do so too but she would return to her mouth action as quickly as possible, their eyes still connected, and that smirk in Sara's ones would drive her over the edge once again until she would let go and repeat her delay to Tegan's climax.

Sara built her up to the state she couldn't wait no longer. She closed the gap that was barely between her lover and herself and started riding out Sara's face. Especially when Sara's tongue pushed inside her, especially when her clit was pressed on the brim of Sara's nose. That's how Sara had felt when she did the same to her, she immediately forgave her lover for taking her ability to breathe away, because at that moment, she was doing it too to her lover, whose tongue didn't stop for a second, but was finally taking her higher to the orgasm she strove for.

She let out the loudest scream of the day when Sara took one of her lips between her teeth and pulled at the sensitive flesh, she almost hit her head with headboard as she leaned on it, she was so close she would cry, she felt her hole tightening to the degree of explosion. Her lower abdomen contracting, and her cunt in a state of euphoria she had never thought was possible. Her vision fuzzed and she was sure she could see no more but tiny white and block dots as she closed her eyes as tightly as she could. Her orgasm started out slow and then all of a sudden she shook with the feeling of pure bliss, clutching the headboard tightly as her head ached and her fluids flew out of her hole.

She moved herself and fell off on the mattress, resting her exhausted body upside down. Her eyes still closed as she tried to calm down, her legs spread and her hand on her chest, she was gasping for air.

Before she could even come off from her high, Sara was there again between her legs, her nimble digits fiddling with her folds, touching this and that, massaging her lips, collecting a bit of her juices, and massaging the very sensitive clit.

She screeched in return, closing her legs out of pain when Sara pressed on the sensitive bud. "No, Sara." She complained, her voice whiny and filled with innocent youth.

Sara didn't stop. She forced her legs apart and easily pushed one finger inside of her. "That's punishment for waking me up in the morning." Sara wickedly grinned, Tegan once again was aroused as if she hadn't had her strongest orgasm ever just a bit earlier.

"Don't act like you didn't like it." She managed to get the words out while beaming. Sara was pumping in and out of her, and she wanted to be filled more. She was already close and she wanted more.

"I thought you were shy." Sara kissed her belly. "You fooled me." She moved her tongue inside her bellybutton and then licked around it. "Was that all an act?" She licked till she reached between her breasts, she was very sweaty and Sara wasn't minding taking a taste of her skin filled with sweat.

Tegan whimpered and cried for more. "Sara," Her calling came out in a husky voice, in a needy voice. Sara looked up at her. "two fingers." She wanted more. Sara grinned and pulled out, quickly pushing in again but with another digit, Tegan moaned at the feeling.

Sara took the time to shower her breasts with kisses as her fingers curled inside her wet walls. She took a breast in her mouth and sucked on it until it fell out leaving her lips attached to the erect nipple.

Tegan arched her back and started pushing her hips towards Sara, she was so close but too tired as well, she wanted her second orgasm to happen quickly. Sara must have felt it, her thrusts became stronger and much faster, driving Tegan's eyes to roll at the back of her head, her short nails to scratch at Sara's back and hold her head down to where it was, above her breasts, her tongue wetting every spot on her chest.

She chanted Sara's name as she came for the second time, but it wasn't as strong as the first time, it was very great, however. She hoped Sara would give her a break because in all honesty, she didn't think she could take it anymore.

She closed her eyes and closed her legs tightly, banning Sara from any reach to her cunt. She felt a peck on her lips, and kissed back when Sara put pressure to it. "Open your mouth." She opened her eyes, though, not knowing what Sara wanted to do. She saw Sara's glistening fingers in the air, her own juices covering them. Now she has an idea of Sara's intentions, yet she scrupled about performing such a thing, it finally caused her cheeks to redden and her confidence to shy away, or perhaps it was the post coital effect that snatched the thrill of the moment out of her body, leaving her to feel as ordinary and sheepish as she did everyday, lust shaped her into a wild animal who couldn't control its instinct, but after her desire was fulfilled, after she hunted her prey and was fed with pleasure, she returned to her usual state of lip biting and hesitancy.

Sara let out a sound that could be said is a giggle, but it wasn't really, nor was it a chuckle, it was something in between. "Come on baby, open your mouth." It's as if she knew the keyword to her submissiveness, calling her that made her yield and part her lips. Sara inserted her two digits inside. She blushed more upon tasting her own self, she didn't taste that much different from Sara, but it was still a different taste, slightly sweeter, but it wasn't exactly sweet, it was a distinct taste, one she hadn't tasted before, Sara's juices were too, they were distinct and addictive. "You like how you taste?" Sara's dirty talking always caused her heart to beat quicker than it did, it fired more needs in her. She nodded even though she wanted to bury her face elsewhere and not face her lover's big honey eyes. "Suck on it." Sara finally ordered, with a voice so low it made Tegan just do what her lover had ordered right away.

It felt funny to her, she wanted to laugh at it, Sara was basically fingering her mouth, pushing her digits in and out of it and Sara seemed to be aroused at the scene, her eyes were in slits staring at Tegan's mouth, it made Tegan burst in laughter in the middle of doing it, causing her lover to take her finger away from the younger woman and raise an eyebrow at her sudden laughter. "This is funny."

Sara lied down beside her, both in the opposite side of the bed, "You don't know how to have fun in sex." Sara murmured with a faint giggle. "That was amazing, though." She breathed, her pale hands on her bruised chest. "Your tongue is amazing." Tegan loved staring at her, she adored watching her in such a state of emotional serenity, post sex Sara seemed free of all burdens and hard-hearted tendencies.

"I want..." She stuttered, "I want to have fun while having sex with you. Teach me how to have fun in sex." Her cheeks burned at her request, Sara smiled and looked at her, she was pecked on her cheek tenderly.

"We will fuck in every corner of this bloody apartment, I will make you sore if you let me." Yes she would let her, even though she wasn't into the idea of being sore and unable to walk, she would let Sara do it, she would let Sara do anything that would grant satisfaction to both of them, she was willing to experiment anything with Sara, any aspect, any dark corner, any sexual fantasy or kink, if Sara had any, and she seemed to like sex rough, and fun. She wanted their sex to be as fun as Sara wanted it to be.

She nuzzled her nose onto Sara's neck, and slowly they both drifted back to sleep, the sleep both of them, and especially Sara, needed.

**...**

**May 3rd, 2043**

That's when Sundays became purely sexual from morning till we went to bed for these two months. We would have sex each chance we found. Waking up, we would have sex. Taking a shower would involve sex. Our breakfasts, our sittings, when we're reading, when we're talking to each other, when we're doing nothing or anything. We wouldn't go to bed on Sundays unless exhausted, tired and our bodies emptied of every poisonous thought since sex made us relax and washed away every negative feeling we had...unless I ruined it with my throbbing immaturity, which happened sometimes, but mostly, we would collapse with a cloud hovering above our heads, high from the amount of climaxes we had, high from the love we shared. Our skin like a map dotted and marked, purple and red, different shapes and different colours. Our most sensitive body parts would ache and hurt, our bones cramped and full of fatigue. It was the best feeling I have felt and will ever feel.

No lover had ever caused me to feel that way, no lover can ever make me feel that way...not that any will. Look at me, I'm forty-nine in twenty days. Nobody wants this decaying body anymore, much less a decaying mind that cannot escape its teenage secret love. How much longer can I mourn till this life gives me mercy? How much can a person mourn till they are mourned about? It didn't take Sara much, so why am I still here? What am I doing here?

**...**

That was not the only time they had had sex that day.

Post waking up, doing the daily rituals of breakfast and speaking with her mother and friends on the phone, Tegan dived into her homework right away. Sara too, she did her own homework. They both did their own studying or preparing. Tegan had a test the following day, she was finding difficulty in keeping up with the topics required for she hadn't been paying much attention the previous week, the week she and Sara became lovers after their endless chasing game. The wild week that flourished and blossomed into an intense relationship, one she had never thought of obtaining with anybody possible, let alone her own professor. She hadn't been paying much attention in her classes, nor even studying in the sufficient required amount, she hadn't been given the time for preparing or reading, she hadn't been wasting her time nor running away from her life by drowning herself in academic work, she didn't want to run away anymore, she wanted to hold onto life and grip at it with her feral claws, she wanted to take a hold of it, to pause it, to keep it and maintain the pleasure it generated in her way. College did not matter anymore, her friends did not matter anymore, her mother did not matter anymore, only Sara did.

A tick within her mind, a worm, a buzzing sound. The way one feels a constant stir when the clock on the wall is ticking in a quiet room. It comes gradually and it rises within time, it melts through your thoughts until you feel every tick getting closer and becoming louder, it agitates your senses and it makes your heart drum at the same rhythm, it's as if something is bound to happen, something inevitable and unavoidable, it nerves your brain and it gets your blood running, it warms you up and it crawls inside you, like a vicious worm seeking vengeance within your insides. That's how Tegan was feeling during the time she was studying, these thoughts of the love they had made that morning insisted on interrupting her thoughts as if they are a clock on idle walls, these thoughts ticked till they thickened within her until she stopped thinking of anything but how much she needed to touch Sara's ivory skin once again, to feel the soft flesh once again, to bite it, caress it, tease it, and squeeze it. Her hunger arose and it kicked in her core, sending her vivid fluids pooling more inside her already wet underwear.

She thought about it, she unduly thought about it. Sara was in her room, their room...her room. She was doing whatever it is she did when Tegan wasn't around. Tegan was alone in the living room, supposedly studying. She thought about fulfilling her growing need, to touch, to touch and feel. Would Sara mind? Would she push her away? Would she declare sex in the morning was enough? Not fair, Sara made her orgasm twice while she made Sara orgasm only once. She wanted to feel Sara's slick walls wrapped around her long thin digits. Sara said she wanted to make sex fun after all. She wouldn't mind.

Tegan's mind reached a decision. She stood up leaving her book abandoned where her bum left a spot on the couch, pushing the soft cushion slightly down. Her pale legs wobbled as she walked slowly. Nothing to cover her bony knees, red from pressing her arms on them while she sat. Her legs were silky and soft and they were exceedingly thin for someone her age, her calves barely supplied with meat. It contrasted with the width of hips and the expansion of her breasts. Not even her thighs were as full as Sara's. Her legs gave her the appearance of a prepubescent girl, but her torso had the right amount of voluptuous feminine curves, the one that made her male classmates in high school drool and stare in ways far from appropriate or comfortable.

She wanted to curse her vagina for pooling in her underwear, she felt the fluids seep out of her, she wanted a justification for her over arousal. She was never one of those who were easily aroused as a teenager. While her friends and peers were stained and covered with hormonal effects, oily faces, terrible acne, sweaty under arms which reeked in gym class, while they scanned and examined one another with their teenage hungry eyes, while one flipped her hair to the guy whose hand explicitly scratched his balls, while they gossiped and muffled shy giggles, speaking about who made out with who, who groped who, and who fucked who...she was away from all this scenery, simply watching, sometimes hoping to be one of them, sometimes wrinkling her nose at the picture, feeling left out, feeling odd, feeling different.

There were these distinct moments of vivid arousal, she remembers as a fourteen year old when her friend accidentally brushed her newly growing breasts by mistake, it sent a kick _down there_, a kick she never understood at that time, a kick she pushed at the back of her mind until she came to realize that the soft touch of a woman could do such things to her body, and not the immature jokes, vexing laughter, and the muscular chests of the boys her friends blushed and squirmed at.

With Jenn, she had always been aroused whenever the older woman kneaded her mound or kissed her with hungry lips, she never did act on fulfilling her desires with that woman, however. They were just never enough, not that much of a distraction, they didn't provide the ache she's feeling at this moment, they didn't shake her into a trembling figure rocking back and forth while sitting, thinking about what could she perform with her mouth or fingers.

Now that she's nineteen, in less than four months turning twenty, her teenage years soon are over, but her teenage hormones had just begun to kick with raging clout inside her system, directing her actions and making her priorities seem unclear, scattering her thoughts and tasks, throwing them away, kicking them out of her mental list, converting them to dust sprinkled on the shelves of her mind, where only one important thought remained, it widened and it expanded the more she peeked at it, until it took most of the space, making her only task was to seek the unavoidable powerful need for release, dragging her legs to Sara's room. Like a controlled robot she followed the orders released from not her mind, not her heart, but her clit, her sex, the way it throbbed, the way her fluids ran. It was hard to shut these voices that accompanied the action that was happening inside her underwear, she could smell her own arousal if she focused more, her eyes were bound to turn beastly black if she concentrated more on that purpose...and she did.

Sara was typing, facing her computer screen, seated on a chair with back arched. It's the first time she'd seen Sara in glasses, and even from the corner of her eyes, somehow the scene caused her arousal to increase, she didn't think it was possible, but it was. She stood behind her lover, hands clutching the back of the chair as tightly as possible, as if she was begging everything within her to calm a little. Sara looked behind and sent a weak smile her way. She was breathtakingly beautiful. She looked youthful in glasses, her sleepy eyes still evident and clear, her hair still in the same mess it was in when they both woke up, Tegan's hair was forced into a tiny ponytail to keep it away from her eyes. She smiled back and Sara turned her head again, returning to her work.

Sara was typing the instructions for their midterm paper, she read the first few sentences and Sara had embarrassing grammar mistakes. It was a bit ironic, because Sara abhorred syntactical mistakes, yet the first ever sentence had one, and the third one actually had two. Sara was as well distracted as herself, and she wondered if they shared the same reason of distraction, but soon enough rejected the thought as it climbed inside her head. Sara was a grown up, not a teenager with a rise of sexual desire as she was.

She started off with soft and faint kisses on the back of Sara's neck. Sara shifted in her seat, she released a low giggle, shrugging Tegan's head away when her lips met Sara's exposed shoulder. Tegan was positive the t-shirt Sara was wearing was her own, the black one she had left at Sara's, along with many other clothing she didn't bother to return. Slowly, she was moving her closet, her clothes mingling with Sara's. She wasn't even sure if the wife beater she was wearing was hers or Sara's, she didn't care that much. Her top fell off Sara's bony shoulder from one side, just the way it did to her, exposing her chest, painted with the marks of Tegan's love.

Her kisses thickened and prospered, soon turning into gentle bites and playful licks behind her ear. "Tegan, no." Her lover's words were choked by a sudden gasp, her favourite gasp, Sara's gasp of surprise when her mouth touched her tender skin. "I am typing, no." She was still typing.

That did not stop Tegan, however. Her need blinded her, and Sara was not putting much resistance, Sara didn't push her away or ask her to stop one more time.

This time their sex was quick and intense. Tegan didn't linger too long before guiding her hands between her lover's thighs, cupping her mound, feeling the heat radiating to her palm. She didn't hesitate, because Sara, while typing, she humped her palm, asking for friction, and so Tegan eagerly provided it.

A river of thick soggy fluids met her two digits when they pushed past her sweatpants and her underwear, Sara was aroused and this wetness eased the way for her to push inside her professor, who on her part, was whimpering and insisting on typing, making more mistakes on the way. Her clit was swollen when Tegan rubbed on it, the slightest touch caused her professor to jump and take the flesh of her puffy lower lip between her teeth, closing her eyes for a second when the circling began to increase, opening them again to resume her tedious work.

Due to Sara's position, Tegan felt a resistance when she entered her with two fingers. The way she sat made her walls tighter, much tighter than the first time she entered her. She held her lover's shoulder to steady her movement and quickly thrust in and out of her.

Sara insisted on typing until Tegan's in and out movement became too much, too fast, and too hard for her to focus. Her breath caught and her back arched, she clutched the edge of the wooden desk, her knuckles turning white due to the force. She parted her legs and leaned back, her eyes closed and her glasses still there, sitting at the bridge of her nose, her head leaning way back, giving Tegan a full view of the fabulous jaw and the parted lips, closed eyes and arched brow. "Fuck, Tegan." That was the first time her lover said her name during sex. It encouraged her and made her increase the speed, which she was sure if Sara had done it to her, she wouldn't be able to bear it, but Sara was much more flexible than herself, Sara enjoyed the tad pain with the pleasure, she sought for the roughness beneath the tenderness.

Sara's breast was peeking out of her top, Tegan had lowered the part where it fell off her shoulder to reveal the perky mound, she cupped it in her hand, it was the other breast, the twin of the one she cupped and scratched just this morning. She wanted to do the same to that one.

Sara began rocking her hips when she finally curled he two digits inside, reaching deeper and farther, feeling the spongy spot and rubbing on it. Sara let out a moan, one like the ones Tegan would constantly cry when being touched by her lover. "I'm there, fuck, fuck, I'm coming." Sara had never been as vocal, but now she was and Tegan fucking loved it, God she adored it. Perhaps Sara was shy, perhaps her previous giving wasn't as good as this one, perhaps Sara wasn't paying much attention whether she voiced her sexual exaltation or not. Sara's walls imprisoned her fingers again, as one of her lover's hands hurried to cover her opened mouth, muffling the scream her ears became very used to hear in each state of utter nirvana Sara would reach when her orgasm would approach.

That was not even the end of their sexual interactions that day. When Sara calmed down and came back to her senses, when Tegan pulled out of her, they smiled at one another for a while. Sara held the hand that cupped her breast to her mouth and kissed its palm, she squeezed it gently and let it go.

Tegan also thought about it as she returned back to studying, her underwear still drenched, but the crawling need to touch Sara's body had died down, making her concentrate just a bit more.

Sara did not allow that, however. She gave Tegan only few minutes to regain her ability to delve back inside her book before amorous kisses were planted all over her face, wet and mushy, making her guffaw and giggle as her body was pressed down on the couch, her head hitting the arm. "Sara," She squealed. "Sara, no. Sara, stop." She cackled with tears of mirth escaping her lids. Her legs kicked before they were pushed apart and pinned down by Sara's arms.

And then she felt it, and she jumped. She felt the soft vibration at the seam of her shorts, which caused her to sit up and look between her legs. Sara held a small toy to her crotch, it was a vibrating ring which Sara wore on her index and directed where her covered clit was, the vibration was soft and it stirred her insides. "Sara," She breathed. "what's that?" She knew what it was...or maybe she didn't, she wasn't very positive, but she certainly knew the feeling it caused in there and so the image was clear inside her head. Her cheeks rosy and heated when her lover threw her famous sweet giggle.

Sara kissed the puffiness of her lips, her own tongue wet the silver stud on the bottom. Her free hand pulled Tegan's wife beater upward till her breasts were exposed. The working hand changed it's direction to where her nipples were, adding pressure on one with the soft vibration while the other was taken between hungry lips, sucked and pulled till moans began to escape her throat. "This is for distracting me from my work." Sara's teasing smirk followed, for just a second until the vibration was added to the wet nipple and her mouth wrapped around the dry one. Her core ached and pleaded.

Quickly and swiftly, her shorts and underwear were taken off by one smart hand. Legs spread as far as her position allowed them to be. "I have an exam tomorrow." Tegan cried. "My book, my book." She gasped when Sara ignored her. The papers of her book were sitting between her legs, her core dripping on them uncontrollably.

Sara removed the book from where it was. "Oh, look at what you did." She tauntingly tsked, wetting her lips. "Such a naughty girl, couldn't stop your pussy from wetting your book, and now," She directed her ring hand between her legs again. "you're making my couch dirty." Hurriedly, she pushed the vibrating part on Tegan's clit, but with more speed, higher vibration, and rougher.

The stimulation did not last for long. Tegan was already close when her professor emerged in the room. And the vibration was too much to handle due to her sensitivity. Soon her head was buried inside her lover's chest, Sara had one protective arm rubbing her back. Those smooth downward and upward movements reminded her of the times Sara first touched her, in a class full of people, soothing palms pressed to her stiff back. Those were the times she started growing feelings towards the older woman, the times of complete confusion. The times when she asked herself millions of troubled questions at night till her temples throbbed and her eyes stung. How far she had come, how far they had come in just one week, less to be specific.

And that act alone made her relax in her lover's guarding arm. She felt the swimming affection, like a calm river engulfing her. Everything in her body ached. She was stretched too much today, her pelvic bones ached, her back did too, her nipples as well, and her neck. Despite the lack of comfort she was experiencing, there was this melody of love ringing around them, encircling their embrace, perhaps it's the warmth of Sara's hand. A revolution happened in her lower body, while her upper half remained peaceful, and that contrast worked her up to tears, tears she didn't know how and why they were shed, but they stained her cheeks and she was glad Sara couldn't see them.

She held onto Sara for dear life as she came on her palm, the tenderness of the other palm and the gentleness of the kisses planted on her head kept her eyes closed for minutes after. The vibration eventually came to a stop, the rhythm of her heart gained its regularity back. She no longer saw stars or dots in black and white as she did a few minutes ago, when her climax approached, now she saw darkness, blackness.

"Hey, hey." She heard the worried tone of her lover, forcing her lids to part, forcing the copper of her irises to meet the brazen ones of her lover "What's wrong? Did I hurt you? Oh my God." Sara cupped her own mouth, but she smiled right away to let her know she was far from feeling any kind of physical pain that reached the level of inescapable irritation.

"I'm fine." With a huskier octave, she responded. "It was just all too much. I mean, this is all so new." She hoped her cheeks weren't as crimson as she felt them. They probably were.

Sara smiled in return, a relieved smile. "I'm sorry I surprised you like that." Sara paused. She was thinking. "Did you like it?" Red ears, they quickly reddened. It made the grin appear on the younger woman's face.

She nodded. "Ya, a lot." She too paused, only because she hesitated to ask what roamed inside her skull.

But she wanted to ask.

"Do you like toys?" And so she did.

Bitten lips and a sheepish smile, she tucked the stray hair behind her ears, the act of bashfulness she regularly performed. "I do." She whispered. "I like stuff used on me, and me using them on others, I like everything I guess." She spoke quickly, almost the way Tegan did when she was enormously embarrassed, it's as if the tables were turned that day. It's as if they were both wasted, perhaps asleep and it's all a dream.

But then again, Sara did her fair share of dirty talking and that alone shook her student's entrails and caused her heart to leap and crash with invasive thumps that threatened to stop it.

It is safe to say the rest of the day went smoothly, no more distractions but the dreamy stares the couple sent to one another when Sara offered to tutor Tegan. At first it wasn't such a great idea, Tegan wouldn't stop staring at her eloquent lover, the way she spoke gave her butterflies of the kind she gets in class when the charming lady stood before her. She couldn't comprehend that this woman was now her lover, it made her emotions rave within her.

Thankfully, she was obliged to concentrate after some time. Sara gave her tips on what to write and how to analyze the characters, Sara helped her discover and justify the reasons behind the actions of these characters. She showed her how to find out the themes of each tale. Gothic tales were her and Sara's least favourite. Both didn't like Edgar Allen Poe, both adored the story "_A Rose for Emily"_, however. They disagreed on the short story "_The Law of Life"_. While Sara found it relatable and naturalistic, Tegan found it monotonous and pessimistic, but at the end, both couldn't agree that the predestined law of life is _death_.

Before they went to sleep, they showered together. They were both sweaty and tired, but that didn't stop them from adding more sweat to their bodies in the shower, that didn't stop them from, once again, making passionate but aggressive love, if that's a way to put it.

Gladly, they didn't fall down this time. But their backs did hurt from the uncomfortable positions they practiced the entire day.

When they finally rested on their pillows, they both sighed in sync, both giggled, both looked into each other's dimmed orbs in the unilluminated room.

Before they slept, they shared a hushed blithe conversation about simply nothing, or anything.

Yawns flew in the room and quiet laughter that barely made a sound. They were far too somnolent with their pleasured souls to make a sound.

"You know," Sara whispered all of a sudden. Tegan thought she had fallen asleep, she herself was near the opening of a meaningless dream. "this is why I call you Thunder Girl." Sara looked at her, she looked at Sara as well. "You surprised me today." Tegan was simply listening, her eyes could shut at any moment. "You are very calm and content and all of a sudden you turn into a volcano. You are shy and quiet and all of a sudden you rage and ravish. You seem cold and distant and all of a sudden you're a warm island of affection and love. I try so hard to understand you, to read what you are thinking, I fail most of the times, because often you surprise me. Kind of like the thunder. You know how the lightning comes before it and you're expecting to hear the loud bang next?" Tegan nodded, she just didn't want to cry, she really didn't want to cry. "Yes, but then it comes and you jump, it shocks you, it's as if you've never expected it to happen."

Sara described her the same way she felt Sara is. She had been shocked multiple times in her life, none tasted or echoed the way Sara's sentences just did. None resonated and reverberated the way Sara's words just did._ Cold and distant, t_hat was her reinforced Sara description. Nobody could alter it or omit it from her brain, no argument in that. Yet, Sara described her that same way.

She hadn't looked much into it, but maybe she and Sara were much alike. Too much alike, perhaps. Yet, none of them saw it before. But now, she did, she could see it. An image of her future self rested next to her. A picture perfect sculpture, one that breathed and functioned, she was looking at her, staring at her mirror-like eyes and hearing her debilitated voice. They say opposites attract, but perhaps she was attracted to whom she wanted to see as herself in the future, she was pulled into the bigger magnet, the older magnet. But even though they were both the same, they were still attracted to each other, they hadn't repelled from one another. Unlike all the odds that stuck together, they were the likes that didn't avert from one another.

"That's...that's beautiful." It was all she could say, and maybe that's why her lover found her cold and distant, she often didn't know how to respond, but that was a habit, she never knew how to respond, to anyone, not only to Sara. Sara might have looked at it in a different way.

"Tell me what you're thinking." It seemed as if Sara was fishing for more conversation, she didn't want the night to die down, she didn't want to be defeated by her exhausted eyes.

"Can I bring my teddy in here?" She cringed at what had left her mouth, she didn't want to let this thought out, but somehow her mind tricked her.

"Is that really what you're thinking about?" From Sara's tone, she sounded amused.

Tegan rubbed her eyes and grinned. "I guess."

"Well yes, sure."

She didn't want to let the conversation die down too, not when Sara didn't want it to. "What about you? What are you thinking about?"

"The way you ate me out this morning." She raised an eyebrow, Sara giggled. "It has been too long, I forgot how good it felt." There was a pause. "My body is hurting me, my hips, my back. I'm too old." Sara chuckled.

"It's not just you. It's the bathroom sex, I think I'll walk funny tomorrow."

"Maybe we should have sex while just lying down on the bed, like grandpas and grandmas."

"I don't think grandpas and grandmas have sex, Sara."

"I'm gonna still be having sex when I'm a grandma. When I'm eighty, I will still be having sex. But maybe not while lifting you up while standing in the shower, don't wanna get a heart attack. They will write on my tombstone that I died while having sex. You will be the reason of my death."

Sara was rambling, saying whatever her mind came up with, and she was speaking exactly like Tegan, the way Tegan thought and spoke, these thoughts she let out easily while Sara never let out, now they were out in the open when Sara's consciousness was slowly dying down. "We'll be together when you're eighty?"

"If you want to. Unless you're planning to cheat on me with a man and decide you're not a lesbian anymore."

"Or your love could expire."

Silence.

Maybe she shouldn't have said that.

"Ya." Sara whispered.

"Ya." She swallowed, turning to the other side, not facing her lover anymore.

If the conversation continued, they wouldn't end up in a good place, they needed sleep.

It was all her, she had interfered with her tongue to ruin the happy day they had, oh how she wished she thought before she spoke. How she wished she was just a bit smarter or more careful, but she wasn't, and she was going to overthink her faux pas, till she settled into a restless sleep. If her mouth hadn't chopped Sara's cheery thoughts of the future, the temperature wouldn't have risen in the room, the heaviness wouldn't have hovered above them, the unsolicited silence wouldn't have blanketed them to a solicitous slumber.

**...**

**May 3rd, 2043**

_What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow_

_Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,_

_You cannot say, or guess, for you know only_

_A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,_

_And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,_

_And the dry stone no sound of water. Only_

_There is shadow under this red rock,_

How do you feel about this? This poem? I hated it. I found it in Sara's list of favourite poems. I suppose I hated most of her choices back then...until I grew up, and another Sara I became.

_And I will show you something different from either_

_Your shadow at morning striding behind you_

_Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;_

_I will show you fear in a handful of dust._

That's my favourite part. It reminds me of Sara, that is why. I know you are wondering right now, how did the fall happen? And who is really responsible for it? I seem to lie a lot, don't I? I seem to blame it all on her, am I right?

_Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not_

_Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither_

_Living nor dead, and I know nothing,_

_Looking into the heart of the light, the silence._

That was Sara's favourite part. I don't know why. But it sounded like Sara. It feels like Sara. It even tastes like Sara when I recite it. Sara and her immortal silence.


	22. Day After Day

** Chapter 22: Day After Day.**

**May 3rd, 2043**

Perchance the imbecility of my decaying age does not allow me to recollect the type of grievous feelings I happened to drawn myself into. Melancholy, it is the right word to describe the wrong feeling I have jumbled my paranoid head with when I was young, until came the time when it was just a little bit too late to gain what I have trashed; my own confidence and self love. I have always asked the Gods that I doubted for a tiny love, to feel love, I wanted to feel love, at least once in my youth, the way all my friends and peers were imbibed in that magnificent feeling far from my reach. I have always loved, loved way too much, loved too many people. But I have never been loved.

No, I have never felt that Sara had loved me enough. I do admit, yes, I take all the blame, I hold all the flaws. It is my mind and my blindness that refused to accept the fact that I should be loving my own self in order to feel the love I was surrounded by. I have always promised my rotten insides that if someone shall ever love me, I will cease my self-hatred and I will love me too. My mistake was that I waited and I knew it, I knew it from the start that the key to find love was to find it within me first, from the inside, it's always on the inside. But I have always refused such absurdity, I pried for love, and you cannot blame me, who does not want to be loved? Who does not want to be chased? Who does not want to be held, kissed, and caressed? Sara gave me that. I told you I was a moron, I exploited her love and mistook it for vanity. My ponderous mind had always seen behind stained glass that she only wanted to have fun, these were her words, _to live and feel young and live_. I have never looked beneath the surface, never really heard the lonesome sirens of a wounded woman. Only one day, one day my slumbering consciousness was aroused by a trumpet-peal, tumultuous enough to awaken all my neglected feelings and my selfless sensations. Loud and rambunctious, I heard the voices when she walked out of my life. I came to the deplorable realization, that I am, I have been, I will forever be, a selfish and an inconsiderate foolish woman.

**...**

Some mornings are simply rough. Just the way they are...simply rough. The way they appear, the way they taste, and the way they touch one's cold skin. Everything could be seen in a negative way, everything mostly dark and gloomy, nothing too bright can blind the dimmed surface that one could be viewing with dull eyes.

Behind the bustle and the noise of the crowd, the cheerfulness and the forced smiles of the passersby, there you stand, it's as if you are alone in a circle, standing in the middle as a black dot between the white. Voices are too loud, not the voices of the people, no, these are blocked by the voices of your own thoughts, your own mind screaming and shrieking.

And then you sink inside your own self-made martyrdom, you don't get why you are feeling that way, but it does bring such a soft relief within you. Perhaps you need the time to figure your feelings out, you think to yourself. You promise that after you let it all out, you'll return to the state of temporary satisfaction with what you have, until once again these monsters ruling a mighty kingdom inside your mind shall fire the cannon to declare that the war is resumed, the peace treaty had been ignored, had been neglected, and it is time again for the blood to be splattered in every corner inside that nostalgic head of yours.

When they woke up, both acted as if the words Tegan had said had been magically erased by a fairy in the middle of the night. A kiss on the side of the younger girl's cheek, smiles, and giggles, then she left her secret shelter in order to start her ordinary Monday morning at university. But one cannot deny there was this tiny drop of overthinking that slowly and gradually started blowing up, becoming bigger and bloated until it took all the space inside Tegan's head, showering her with doubt, paranoia, worry, and guilt. Her favourite four.

That morning Sara was sweet, she woke up and made her breakfast. She woke up very early, and woke Tegan up at half past six. When Tegan stretched, she felt her muscles cramping, and when she stood up, she was very sore between her legs. Her florid cheeks burned when Sara asked her if she was in pain. She denied it, coldly. Sara said that she was aching, her bones were aching. Tegan wondered if she was as well sore between her legs, she dismissed the idea, Sara was Sara, and if that had a meaning inside her mind, it meant that Sara was more experienced in day long sex in different positions and different places.

While chewing her breakfast she thought about it more. Her professor had said she enjoyed using toys. She wondered how many she stashed in her room. She thought about the variety and where they could be hidden. She was positive there was more than the one she used on her, perhaps ones like those she had seen in porn. She wondered about the size the colour.

Her thoughts were interrupted when Sara's phone rang. Sara picked it up quickly, it seemed that she was speaking to her mother. The student was curious to hear how the conversation was going, she hadn't heard Sara speaking to her parents at all, unlike herself who spoke to her mother on daily basis. She knew Sara had an almost dead relationship to her parents, which arose guilty inquisitiveness to the degree where it was pure prying on the other.

She pretended that she was very busy chopping pieces of her syrup-drenched pancake, but she was only listening to the faint feminine voice coming from Sara's phone, it seemed relaxed, the way Sara looked that morning. Her morning eyes were even more lovely to look at than any stage of evolving her exquisite irises went through. Tegan usually almost forgot herself staring at them.

Sara dryly hummed and uttered a soft_ 'yes'_ every few seconds. She chewed while nodding her head, it seemed that her mother was speaking of something atrociously dull, her dozy eyes were threatening to shut at any second. Tegan watched with a weak smile that wasn't supposed to be there, she quickly erased it. "I'm fine, mum. I said I'm fine." Sara's tone shifted, her teeth gritted, she and her student shared a quick eye contact. "I'm happy with my life that way." She noticed her lover was shifting in her seat.

She stood up, perhaps Sara needed some privacy. She walked to the bedroom, closed the door, but again, curiosity ate her insides, she couldn't help not try and hear what was being said. She felt ashamed, but like a thief who stole even though they needn't the money, she couldn't quit doing the bad deed, she listened. "We're not going to go over this again, there's no point in me getting married anymore, there's no point, we're not going to go over this each time we fucking speak." She expected Sara's voice would be quiet and hushed, but her lover was shouting with exasperation, maybe she didn't care if Tegan listened. "This is why, this is why I don't visit. I am not a fourteen year old you can control her life the way you want to anymore. This is my life, and I don't give a single damn that you don't agree with it. Mum, mum listen. I don't want to talk about it, let's hang up, mum." Tegan felt bad. Her professor's sharp octave began to break. "Mum, goodbye. Goodbye, mum." Silence erupted post the yelled farewell Sara had uttered. Tegan figured her professor had forcibly ended the conversation with her mother.

She left the room, her lips a bit parted, she was scared, she wondered if Sara had any anger issues, she wondered if she was like Jenn, she wondered if she would let it out on her, she wondered if she was going to shout at her. Sara was looking into the void, however. When she spotted her student's vigilant presence, she formed a smile. Maybe it wasn't a smile, but her lips did curl to one side, a sorry smile. She smiled it once, when they were having one of their after class conversations, it was weeks ago, when she said that Tegan had both beauty and a good personality, it was a sorry smile, was she sorry that Tegan had felt unloved? Was she sorry because she wasn't able to reveal her feelings? "My mother is the biggest ignorant bitch this earth had witnessed, God I fucking hate that woman." She giggled.

Tegan would never imagine herself calling her mother that, she would never dare think of it. "I'm sorry." It was all she could carefully say.

Sara huffed. "I'm used to it." She chuckled. "She wants me to marry another guy, she wants grandchildren. She's dumb." Tegan didn't know what to say, she wondered if someday Sara would desire to marry her, would she want to get married again? Would they be together when it happens? That awakened the conversation they had last night, pre-sleeping, inside her head. Worry screamed in the pits of her abdomen, arousing the clenching and releasing processes that happened inside, her heart hammered at the memory. "Let's go get dressed, I need to go to the university too, I have a couple of meetings and a shitload of work to do." Sara paced to her, and gently allowed her rosy lips touch Tegan's cheek.

They dressed in front of each other, for the first time. They had undressed in front of each other, but never undressed and then dressed. Sara shot her a smile when she winced while slipping into her jeans. "I knew you'd wake up sore." Sara giggled. She did too, embarrassed.

Trepidation hit her again amidst performing her test. She wasn't able to focus much, she kept listening to the conversation on repeat, as a recorded audio it had played within her head. What if Sara's love faded away?

Through the second and third classes her distrust in the concealed relationship thickened, she needed to ease the thoughts, she needed her friend, she needed to spill it out. Thus she and Emy took shelter to smoke behind their faculty, their usual smoking place, they had to make up a lie to their friends, they said they would return to their dorm, to work on a shared homework, they took Sara's class together after all.

Even though she didn't want to, she spilled it out, she told her best friend about her fears and worries, she told her about the eventful day they had with details, she didn't hide anything anymore. y was the only one she could let it all out to, not her best option, perhaps, but her friend did offer some good advices.

Her cigarettes were her other company, one after one, she didn't even notice she and her friends had emptied a twenty cigarettes pack, she wasn't sure how much she smoked, but she was positive she smoked more than her friend, she even coughed a little.

"I don't think you need to worry." Yes she did need to. "You always worry and overthink, you just said it yourself, you had mind-blowing sex, and cuddled and shit, and apparently she loves you. She's just..." Her roommate trailed off, she looked far in a distance, at whatever shall be behind Tegan. "She's here." Emy whispered, causing Tegan to turn around to watch her professor watching her, standing like a bent arrow, no impression on her face, just eyes fiery and roaming everywhere, on that particular object between Tegan's two digits, the thin white stick. Unconsciously and with fright, Tegan threw it to the dirty ground, and with her foot, she stepped on it. It's as if she had been caught by her mother, she felt shame, she felt her face hot and her heart throb.

Sara walked away, however. She entered from the back entrance, she still showed no emotion. That was just what she needed on top of her shitty day, she was not even sure why it was that shitty, her moods told her it was. Her friend shook her head. "That was really pathetic." She folded her arms against her chest, she felt pathetic. "She's not your fucking mum, are you an idiot or something?" Her friend's words were quite harsh, but she didn't defend herself. "She can't really ban you from smoking, this is your life, not hers."

"I know. She didn't." And then she snapped. Her voice loud and raspy. "She doesn't know I smoke. I just panicked, okay?"

"Does she try to control you, usually?"

"No." She didn't, she never did, she was too sweet to do that.

"Then why would you panic?"

"I don't know." She truly didn't. She just did, she could blame it on Sara's eyes, they were the ones in motion while her body was as solid as a rock.

Monotonous and far from interesting, Sara's class for the first time seemed as any ordinary class. Perhaps because Tegan was sitting way in the back, chatting with her friend instead of paying attention to the discussion going on about Maya Angelou's remarkable poem,_ "Phenomenal Woman"_. It could be that the mash of fear and anger caused her not to pay much attention, or her daily Sara overdose could be the reason of her disinterest. It had been exactly a week since she visited Sara's apartment first, since then they hadn't parted much.

Sara was trying to persuade her to get in the car at such a time the previous Monday. Later she and Sara ate in silence, she puked before that. At night Sara pecked her cheek, she slept in Sara's room, on Sara's bed, Sara slept outside, on the couch.

In that one week, they slept together, multiple of times. After a slow one year long of waiting and chasing, it took them only one week to proceed and take things as quickly as the slamming wind. It's what they did to compensate for that shy platonic love and cryptic messages between every word they'd said to one another in small conversations and soothing touches, which led to this bittersweet relationship, leaving Tegan feeling as a half empty tank of covert feelings. She didn't know the reason of her fluctuating mood swings, she knew Sara was to blame. It was the age difference and her over sensitive system to blame as well.

"Tegan, come sit right here." Her professor all of a sudden said, cutting her hushed conversation with her friend in half, they were making plans to go study together, even their conversation was unlit by Tegan's lack of enthusiasm.

Tegan looked up, she saw the same woman she often woke up to standing there with rage in her eyes. Hands folded against her chest, not in the same insecure way Tegan did it, she was very confident in her pose, she could put this classroom on fire with those eyes, her looks could be a cause for a slow and painful death, it was probably why Tegan's heart was gradually sinking, she felt her stomach sting and clench, it was Sara murdering her with these pixy eyes.

When Sara seemed not willing to repeat her words twice, Tegan knew better not to disobey, she followed her lover's orders, she stood up and her friend followed. "You stay there." Sara pointed to her friend, without bothering mentioning her name.

The professor continued the class with no more words. Tegan sat in the first row, her friend sat in the eighth row.

**...**

She didn't go back to Sara's till night. She took a nap in her dorm, woke up feeling dizzy, woke up feeling as if she had slept for the past ten years, her head spun and her stomach churned, she felt hungry. She didn't eat, however. She showered instead. She was surprised that Sara hadn't texted nor called. That was a proof that Sara was angry.

It did make her worry more, but it also arose the sense of tenaciousness within her, she insisted on visiting Sara even though her friend thought it's a bad idea. "It's almost eight, she's probably going to sleep."

"She doesn't sleep that early." Tegan fought back. The giant stuffed animal sitting on her tiny lap, she held it close and laid her head between its plumy fur.

"Sometimes I imagine her as someone who sleeps very early and wakes up at dawn, cleans the house five times a day, and if something is out of order or isn't as planned, she breaks down on her kitchen's floor. Tell me I am correct."

"You're not." Tegan whispered. "She does clean a lot, though, and has everything tidied and in order, but usually I'm the one with the mental breakdowns, not her. I mean it's only been a week, maybe she's like me."

Her roommate found it amusing, she snickered. "Nobody is like you, Tee."

"Fuck you." Her voice came muffled by burying her face in her human-sized teddy. She had told Sara it's very small, she lied. She didn't know how she was going to get it to her apartment, she wondered if Sara was going to mock her the way her friend did when it was shipped to her last year.

She needed someone to drive her to Sara's. It was raining heavily, it was stark cold, plus she couldn't carry a giant stuffed animal while walking to her lover's place. People in the streets would poke fun of her, they would point and laugh, she might slip and fall as well.

She used Jeremy's help. A very selfish act, she is a selfish person, she thought of herself as such sometimes, she couldn't help it. She needed Jeremy's help even though he had no clue where she was going. Jeremy was a good guy, he didn't say no to her, he picked her up and drove her to Sara's place.

Only when they parked, her friend asked, "So this is where the mystery woman lives at, huh?" He chuckled. Tegan nodded. "I'm guessing it's someone above twenty five of age?"

"Why is that?"

"Apartments are expensive here, renting or owning. It's probably someone who has a good job and can afford to live in this street." Jeremy shrugged. When Tegan didn't give any answer he said, "Who is it, Tee? Come on, I'm your friend, tell me."

Tegan bit her lower lip, it was only fair to tell him, but she didn't move her lips.

"I won't tell anyone, I promise." He pleaded.

"I'm afraid you'd judge me." She knew her friend didn't do such a thing, but an excuse was needed. Sara wouldn't want much people to know. That's why she was hesitant about telling.

"Tegan, we smoke pot together, I won't. Come on, please tell me who is she."

"It's..." How does one tell their friend they are sleeping with their professor? Actually, in a relationship with their professor. "It's Sara." She whispered, biting her lip once again, that was Sara's habit when unnerved, it was contagious.

Jeremy raised his eyebrows, he sat back in his seat, mouth wide opened, he was thinking. It was funny how everyone Tegan knew had their thinking face, she wondered what was hers. "Wow." She couldn't help but giggle. "This actually fucking happened. Like in the porn, man."

"Jeremy." With a high pitch, she shouted, slapping his arms playfully. "No it's not. It's an actual relationship. Like we fight and shit, and it gets dramatic and, you know, like a relationship."

"How did it happen? Does Emy know about it? Who else knows?"

Tegan opened the door. A wave of chilly breeze slapping her cheek, causing her instantly to shiver. "Look, only you and Emy know. Don't tell Lindsey at all. Nobody else knows, nobody can know this, we'll get in trouble. We'll talk about it later, now I gotta go."

She collected her things (her teddy bear and backpack) and left, it's as if time was running out, she was drenched with heavy droplets of rain even though she spent only less than a minute outside. The elevator ride took even longer, it was very cold, she needed the heat of Sara's apartment.

Fortunately, on the first bell ring, the door was opened for her. Sara looked rather cozy. Same sleepy eyes as the morning, she had obviously taken a nap too, maybe they needed to separate for a bit, maybe it was healthier. She was tucked inside a big navy robe, it seemed that she either had nothing or barely anything under it, a ghost of her marked cleavage was showing, the red marks were fainter than the morning, they were beginning to disappear. Sara was wearing her glasses, her hair far from her fresh face.

Sara motioned the freezing girl inside. Tegan's grip on her, also wet, stuffed animal was tight, the thing was almost as tall as her, Sara stared at it with an ambiguous expression. "Will he be joining us in bed?" She examined it with her hands, touching the damp fur. "I was up for threesomes when I was your age, but I don't think I fancy that anymore."

"Sara." Her student groaned. "Stop making fun of it. You all make fun of it." She pouted.

"Honey, it's very big." Sara continued inspecting it. Sara wasn't angry as she thought she would be. She didn't mention the smoking incident, she didn't say anything about today's class, Sara was relaxed. "How did you even carry it all the way to here? Your friend drove you?"

"Yes," She bit her lip again, Sara's habits were definitely contagious. "Jeremy did." When Sara gazed at her with an alarmed expression, she continued, "Don't worry, he won't tell anyone. He's the best friend someone could ever have, you can tell him anything and he won't even whisper it in his sleep."

"Alright." Her professor sighed, she gently pushed her inside. "Come on, go change, get warm. Let's sit in the room and talk." Her professor wanted to talk, and to be quite frank, it did fret her, she didn't know what Sara meant by that. It could be serious, or just some little nothings they would whisper before falling asleep, but it was too early to fall asleep, and she was very hungry. Sara didn't seem that she had cooked, she wondered if Sara ate.

Cozy and warm Sara, her room was just like her, everything seemed fluffy and snugly, Tegan wanted to collapse on that bed she got used to sleep on each night even though she had taken a proper three hours nap. Sara took the inanimate object from her hands. "Change your clothes, they're wet, you'll get sick." Sara clutched the bear close to her chest as she stood waiting for her student to strip in front of her. It felt strange, it reddened her cheeks to take a clothing item after another in front of the older woman, it's as if she hadn't done that before. Perhaps Sara's eyes were way too focused, her irises were gleaming spheres, they held lands of admiration as the small wrinkles on her lower lids became more visible whenever her smile grew bigger. They both giggled when the younger woman was standing in her undergarments, Sara's ears were flushed with eminent heat.

Tegan shivered, not because of her professor's stares, they were most certainly a part of the goosebumps dotting her spotless skin, but she shivered due to the feeling of coldness, it wore her body like a blanket. "I'm so fucking cold." She whispered. She hadn't brought anything to sleep in with her, she already had enough at Sara's place.

Sara dropped the hard to hold stuffed animal and walked to her student. Tegan was warmed instantly by a sudden hug, a tight embrace. Her visible skin covered by the velvety fabric of Sara's robe, she couldn't help not to let a sigh of ease escape her lips as she laid her head on Sara's shoulder. She felt a tender kiss on the side of her neck. "Let's go to the bathroom, let's blow dry your hair, it's wet too." Sara whispered in her ear. She wanted to sleep with this sedative type of lullaby. "And bring your furry friend with you, let's get him dry too."

They parted slowly, Tegan smiled. "I told you it's a she." She picked her bear with both hands and followed Sara to the bathroom.

"It looks like a he to me. A creepy he in fact. Like a pedophile or something." Sara joked, it seems that she loved seeing Tegan whine about her jokes, she immediately laughed when Tegan hit her arms playfully. "Are you sure your mum doesn't have cameras attached to his eyes? She could be watching us right now. She could watch us when..." Sara didn't continue, she bit her lower lip, Tegan did it too...again.

The round black dots on the face of the stuffed animal were huge and bulged out, if anything, they were extremely frightening. Sara was right. Tegan didn't even know how she didn't have nightmares holding this angel-like but demon-looking object as a five year old. Perhaps the gleaming blackness tunnel nightmare was the result of these black buttons on its face, perhaps that's when her nightmares have started.

The bear was in a good shape, not torn apart, not dirty (that's because it used to be taken special care of, more than Tegan took care of her own self), not missing an ear nor a wing, and gladly not an eye. That would have been even more terrifying, maybe Tegan had a thing for terrifying eyes, Sara had those as well, but they were beautiful, they were like a river of magic.

Her hair was dried off first, Sara held the red and black blow dryer and aimed it at the frizzled dark locks. She was less cold now, but still in need for clothing to cover her exposed skin. The bear took his fair share of drying after her. Sara was finding it amusing, she was cackling while doing the job. "He's almost as tall as you are. Did you really hug him while asleep when you were young?"

She had to concentrate in order to hear against the sound of the machine. As soon as she started to speak, Sara turned it off. "Ya, but I couldn't carry it, I was very short."

"Still are." Sara smiled and led her outside.

She sat on the bed while her lover rummaged through her closet. "Don't make fun of me, you're shorter, and very small, like smaller, I could carry you, you probably can't carry me."

Sara handed the pajama pants that she had left at Sara's to her and a tanktop that was not hers. "I threw all your tops in the laundry, I'll probably do it tomorrow, so here's this." Sara paused for a second. "And who carried you yesterday when we were, you know, in the shower? You were a shaking mess, almost slipped. I carried you." Sara said proudly, but her student rolled her eyes, jokingly.

She pulled her sports bra above her head and as quickly as possible covered her nude torso with Sara's top. Sara's eyes were prying, she felt uncomfortable but not annoyed. "You don't have to do my dirty laundry, I'll do it on my own." Sara really needn't, she could do that, she wanted help Sara, but Sara didn't allow her to. She tried to, Sara said no.

"It's fine, Tegan. I like doing housework. You just focus on studying now. I'm probably distracting you. I didn't even think you're gonna show up today. Thought you needed to study." Sara sat beside her.

"No. I was just in a bad mood all day. I took a nap. Now I'm feeling better."

"Ya, I noticed. Your mood swings really worry me. Do you have some kind of a post coital depression? Whenever we have sex you wake up moody and grumpy."

"I don't know. Maybe. I just have fucked up hormones, probably." Tegan chuckled. Or maybe she let the tiniest things get to her, things did add up, and they made a union to ruin her day.

Sara sighed. "That's not good. Being moody for no reason isn't good. It's like you attract negative energy. You should try to meditate. Maybe that will help."

"Ya, maybe." The easiest way out was to agree. To let the conversation die a bit. To think about it, to contemplate. If she could recall, the reason of her overactive mind was Sara, but perhaps there was something else. The hidden unknown shadow that had been chasing her for years and years. The abyss where all her worries and distress harbour and hide at. It flows out in segments, an interval of mirth rains on her one day only to wake up the next showered heavily by the same old feeling. Her therapist blamed it on her attachment to her mother, she blamed it on her lack of self-reliance. How these were connected, she had no idea. The woman had said that such things cause fears of rejection, fears of solitude, fears of abandonment within her, which was altogether accurate. Tegan didn't think her dependence played a role in her fears back then. But now, she might be open to change her mind.

She thought for hours about Sara's love, whether it was as ripe and shiny as she projected it, or whether it was foul and faded but she couldn't see. She remembered Sara's words from the previous year about how she was a woman who no longer held ties to any human being, she expected the goodbye, she was never attached to any person. Unlike Tegan herself, whose terror of falling helplessly in blind love with her professor had begun to terrorize her head at night. Could it be? She thought of Sara as her future? Could it be? She wouldn't be able to depart? What if Sara changed her mind? What if Sara grew tired of her sadness?

Being sad seemed the only routine Tegan would not become bored of. It was the only thing she hadn't changed within herself. It became a part of her. And she knew, she's fully aware that such a thing was far from positive, far from adorable or praise worthy. It was a disaster to be heavy with such sadness with no particular reason, in fact. Her teenage years could be the reason of that, that was her mother's analysis. She loved to unite with her mother's opinion because it made more sense to her, as well as it made her seem less vulnerable than her therapist's. However, come to think of it now, she's almost past that age, she was twenty in only few months, yet these feelings haven't faded, the fluctuating mood swings, the over thinking, the paranoia didn't stop. It could be who she was, and it was who she was, but what if Sara was correct? What if she needed a therapist?

What would she say? She didn't even know the reason behind the tightness in her chest, behind the feeling of emptiness while surrounded by her dexterous and dainty paramour. She pondered the possibilities within her head. Her therapist could be a great woman or a man who would understand her, but that was far from achievable, it would most probably be a woman or a man with a fake smile and tired eyes, they would nod their head, dizzy and lacking focus at what she would be rambling at, they would suggest illogical solutions or give her antidepressant drugs, which she loathed more than any single session seated in front of her old therapist, more than the way her sadness caused her to feel. The way those pills sucked the life out of her couldn't even compare.

She could open up to Sara, she could whine and complain and rant to her, the way she used to do with her mother. Her mother was obliged to take in the burden and hear daily whining about some trifling issue because Tegan was her own daughter, but would Sara do the same? Sara was hard-headed and didn't own much patience, once irritated she ignored, once cold to she fled. What if she caused Sara to leave her by sharing in her unjustified dispiritedness?

Sara was massaging her shoulders, her soft hands were firm and soothing, they relieved the tensed muscles and helped her relax a bit. Sara never failed to see the tension her student wore. "Somebody saw us at the restaurant."

Sara spoke softly, but the weight of the sentence struck Tegan, she shook her lover's hands away and looked at her with dilated orbs. How come Sara wasn't shaking and angry? How come she wasn't feeling some kind of chaotic rage and fear? "Don't worry. She's my friend. She won't tell." Now they were equal. Her friends knew, Sara's knew. On the same page. Which explained why Sara wasn't as nervous as she thought she could be after informing her that Jeremy knew. "I wanted to tell you today, but you were with Emily. And I remembered we were at campus." That's when she was smoking, Sara didn't mention it.

"Ya, I thought you were upset because..."

"You were smoking?" Sara cut her off. Tegan nodded as a chuckle escaped her professor's lips. "I know you smoke, Tegan. I figured it out a long time ago. Plus, I kinda saw your cigs in your hoodie's pocket when I was putting it in the laundry. I didn't mean to look, I was emptying the pockets so the washing machine wouldn't get ruined. I saw the pack in there and I put it in your backpack after." That would explain a lot to Tegan. She was surprised this morning upon seeing her toxic poison there, she could have sworn she didn't leave it in her backpack, but it was there, eventually she shrugged it off and assumed she had put it there without paying much attention, her head was busy with grave thoughts after all.

"I thought you really hated smoking, I didn't want to make you angry, you know."

"I do really hate it. I do think it's bad and I do think you are ruining your health with it. But who am I to tell you to stop smoking? When I was your age, if somebody told me something, I'd do otherwise, I'd do what they didn't please, just because. Plus, I can't control nor change your decisions, I do wish you'd stop smoking, but it's for your own health not for my benefit, you're not doing it in front of me, anyway. So really, it's up to you."

"Sara?" She wanted to squash the older woman. It was so lovely hearing her ramble, it reflected a type of innocence she rarely encountered in the woman. When she bantered about something, when her eyes were free of make up, ready for slumber, when her hair was barely combed, when her face was fresh, she displayed an angelical, a saint-like image, vivid with innocence and candor.

Sara looked at her, mirror-like eyes roaming her face. "I really fucking love when you talk."

"I always talk. You're the one who's always quiet. And I admit, I like you even when you are quiet. You have this halo about you. It's special, Tegan. I really like it." She thought Sara couldn't make her cheeks as scarlet as she used to do so with her words anymore, but Tegan was wrong, Sara had just caused her to blush the same way when she used to flirt with her outside of class a year ago.

Perhaps the reason of Tegan's silence around her professor was due to the fact she was very overwhelmed about being with her, she was still in utter shock that what she had been waiting for, had finally come true. They were lovers, they were happy together, she should be happy. Sara deserved to be happy too.

She kissed Sara. It was simple, it was sweet, Sara kissed her back.

"Is it someone at college? A professor?" Tegan was curious who's the woman that had seen them.

While being held with Tegan's arms, Sara leaned her head on the younger girl's shoulder. "Yes, Dr. Austin. I'm not sure if she taught you before, but if you ever passed by her, don't panic, act normal, act as if you don't know that she knows. You know, just don't make it seem like you're scared."

Sara's hot breaths were hitting her cold shoulder. "Oh ya, she had. I don't take a class with her right now, though. I hadn't seen her at all this semester anyway."

It felt relaxing just to speak with Sara, about anything. "That's better. How are your exams going? How is your paper going?"

Sara too, she wanted to continue with the conversation. "Good, I guess. I'm not sure about today's, I wasn't really paying much attention. The paper is...kinda hard."

Sara lifted her head, she looked at her student. "Why is that? I gave you the freedom to write about anything you want, you picked a topic, you picked works to speak about it, now search and write. Nothing is hard about that."

"I'm not good at long essays, everyone in class is smart."

"So are you, Tegan. You're good, you're smart. You have a good topic, you picked great works, all you have to do is write, did you start writing?"

Sara seemed worried, not the overprotective kind of worried, but in the sense that felt motherly, perhaps one that held guilt, or it could be just Tegan seeing it as that. "I did." Tegan paused, she didn't want to speak about classes and university anymore. "I'm kinda hungry." Subconsciously, she moved her hand atop her belly, Sara looked at where her hand was.

**...**

She was full, she was tired, and she was exhausted when she returned to Sara's room, with the woman following behind and giggling. They had consumed whatever leftovers Sara had in her fridge. Sara had a great appetite and Tegan enjoyed eating with her, she ate more while around her than alone.

They talked more, they laughed, Sara joked, and they shared childhood stories. The night ended with them kicking each other's legs under the dining table until Tegan stepped on her lover's foot on purpose. She snorted, running to Sara's room. Sara immediately followed with a fit of laughter.

She could sleep, she should sleep, even though she hadn't classes the following day, she needed that sleep, she needed that rest. Tegan hopped on Sara's bed, holding her teddy bear, Sara was frowning while looking at her, toying with her robe's belt. "You replaced my warm, lovely bosom with his loveless, cold soul? How could you, Tegan Rain?" She tsked. "How could you?"

The younger woman couldn't help not to giggle, her lover was climbing on the mattress, slowly hovering over her and her stuffed animal. "I'm glad you haven't dumped me with all my baby shit."

Sara replaced herself on top of her student by throwing the bear aside. "I love your baby shit. As twisted and creepy as that sounds, it kinda turns me on."

"I've always knew you were a creep, Sara." She tapped the older woman on her nose, a gesture of affection, she wanted to kiss it too, and so she did, Sara immediately kissed her afterward. It was a passionate wet kiss, an emblem of Sara's sudden ardor, maybe it was always there, maybe she had just missed it, maybe Sara was preparing for them to make love before sleep. She was tired and sleepy, but she wouldn't say no if Sara asked. "You're like a creepy old man who gets hard seeing innocent little girls in less clothes."

"Shut up." Sara said with a giggle. She sat up, and for a terrifying small moment, she thought she had injured Sara's feelings, but soon after, that mischievous smirk appeared on her lover's lips, hands toying with the hem of her robe. "You're a little girl who gets wet to middle aged nerdy looking professors."

The way she said it made Tegan gulp, that sultry tone, the way she licked her bottom lip, the way she removed that piece of clothing slowly, revealing creamy skin and petite curves covered in lace lingerie. It made her jaw drop. "I wouldn't deny that."

Sara sat up, discarding the piece of clothing hanging open in front of Tegan's lickerish pupils. "I have a confession." Sara calmly announced. While teasingly toying with her bra strap, knees on bed, on each side of Tegan's legs, the student's eyes were solely focused on what was right in front of her, protruding hipbones, down under, a triangle of purple lace covering Sara's mound, she was wearing a g-string.

Tegan palmed her ass as quickly as she recovered from the astonishment that had struck her, she guided the woman closer. "Holy fuck." Sara's bum was soft against her skin, full and round, she enjoyed having a handful of her lover in her hands. "That's really fucking hot. Wow." She was speechless while Sara had a smug smile curled upon her lips. "I thought you weren't expecting me to come?" Tegan raised an eyebrow.

The older woman was crawling closer to her student's face on the bed, the familiar delicious smell of her sex becoming thicker the closer she was to Tegan. "I enjoy looking good even if no one is around." Sara sheepishly admitted. "Tegan, I want you to eat me out." Hastily she ordered, causing Tegan's eyes to widen with a faint hint of shyness roaming with the complacent satisfaction she felt. "You know how you sat on my face yesterday?" Even in such intimate moments, Sara could be bashful, even when her mouth was running fast with explicit requests about her desires, she managed to tuck the stray hair behind her ear, her scarlet ear. When she earned a nod from Tegan, she continued, "I have never done that with anybody." Sara confessed. "I have never sat on someone's face, nobody ever ate me out that way."

"You're kidding, right?" That information arose some kind of unvoiced ostentation within her, she wanted to brag that she had the courage to get Sara to give her oral sex in such a position, while the woman herself had never had it done to her, but Tegan surely wasn't the only one Sara had given such a pleasure to that way. It was a shock, however. She thought Sara was fully experienced in sex, tried every position possible, turned out she was mistaken. "How come?" She asked when her lover shook her head.

"Stacy and I, when we were really young, we didn't have oral sex. She started having boyfriends later on, and I had secret girlfriends and sometimes even boyfriends, we first experienced oral sex with other people, so when we did it again it was the same way you did it to me, you know. It never occurred to me to sit on her face and she never really did it to me. With Katina and my other boyfriends, I was older, I often daydreamed about doing it with someone, I've often watched it in porn. When Katina and I talked about it, she didn't really like the idea, which was really weird to me, but I didn't say much. After that, I didn't really ask for it with those other boyfriends. And with Jack," Sara's warm smile appeared again. "I guess I was too shy to ask him to do such thing to me."

"He never ate you out?"

Sara seemed taken aback with the question, she stuttered before giving a full answer. "He did, but not with me sitting on his face."

"Is straight sex boring? What do you prefer?" She was simply curious.

Sara didn't give answers right away, she thought about them first. "Some is, some isn't. Even with lesbian sex, it really depends on the person you're sleeping with. If the only thing a guy knows is how to use his penis in sex then that's pretty sad and boring, especially if you ended up having to fake an orgasm, which I am ashamed to say, I had to do that sometimes, even with Jack at the end of our relationship."

Tegan also didn't say a thing for quite sometime, she marveled at Sara's answers, she wondered if Sara enjoyed sleeping with a guy or a girl more. "Do you like how a dick feels inside? Does it feel really good? Emy told me a dildo feels good, do you like that?"

"Yes, it feels good. I like a dildo inside, I like having things inside, in fact. A strap on being used on me, I really like that." Sara's other confession coloured Tegan's cheeks for the millionth time that day. She imagined it, vivid colourful images of their bodies slammed together. Herself on top of her lover, thrusting in and out as Sara chanted her name, let out that girly scream of hers, both buried in each other's embrace, sweat and heat the only blocking elements between them.

How was she going to get a strap on and fuck Sara with it? She needed to work on that.

"You're thinking about it now, aren't you? You're imagining it, I bet." Sara chortled. "Stop thinking about it for now, I need you to do me a favour and eat me out."

"How come you decided to ask _me_ to sit on my face?" Sara stood up once again, this time all of her, swiftly sliding down the flimsy fabric.

"I was really surprised when you did it to me. When you just confidently came and sat on my face, it was very hot. It's not just that I haven't been done that to, but also haven't done it to anybody. And this coming from you made me think about it all day, I want you to do it to me."

Tegan deserved to brag, she could announce it and voice it loudly if they had a crowd, if it wasn't improper to do such a thing. But she felt proud, it was delightful. "Come here then, sit on my face."

**...**

Day after day waking up in Sara's bed, either alone or with sleeping Sara beside her, became her most adored routine, Tegan couldn't imagine waking up in her dorm's bed anymore. That small, compact place became her home. The rainy sky behind each window of that apartment became the view her eyes got familiar with. The hundreds of books here and there were what she yearned to see the most when returning from university. The scent of Sara's meals. These two days a week when she woke up to Sara's melodic voice whispering in her ears after returning from university, and these other three days when Sara would open the door to find her student on the couch with her books and notes in hand, attempting to use these two hours free from Sara to study.

The calmness of those nights they spent together, a movie would often be their choice, or they would discourse on matters of much or little importance. These nights would end either in passionate and long lovemaking that continued till after the middle of the night, or merely a quick fuck when they were in a rush or awfully exhausted. Sometimes one could surprise the other with surprise sex (as Tegan referred to it) in the middle of the day, or in the very early morning. It hadn't ever tingled her mind that she could have that much sexual intercourse in a matter of few weeks. She looked forward to every wild, crazy, and novel experience that Sara had to offer and project day after day. So far, she hadn't been able to remove the memory of that one morning when Sara combined her appreciation for food and Tegan's body in one movement, that was something she hadn't seen, especially with how neat and organized Sara appeared. Except that one morning, she had caused a chaos in her own kitchen, on top of her own kitchen counter, the same place where she and Tegan usually ate at if they were sluggish enough to move to the dining table.

It wasn't really Sara's or her intention at first to mess up her kitchen that way. She was placidly slumbering on Sara's bed, alone to be more precise...that if you didn't count her bear in her arms while her small figure curled around the stuffed animal. With her thumb inside her mouth and her eyes peacefully closed, the scene was the most humorous and lovable thing to Sara's eyes. She stared in awe and she snapped a couple of pictures on her phone. Forsooth, this caused the younger woman to wake up to the snapping sounds of Sara's phone, only to be met by the flash of the camera attacking her sensitive, sleepy eyes. "What the fuck are you doing?" Groggily, Tegan whispered, both hands rubbing her eyes.

Sara had the biggest smile Tegan had ever seen on the woman, so wide and big it showed her gums and teeth, as well as the misaligned bottom row of teeth, she smiled back, how could she not? "I came into the room and you looked so fucking cute holding that dude while sucking your thumb, I had to take pictures." Sara paused for a few seconds. "Wow, I've never thought I'd say that. That sounded wrong."

"No, what the fuck? Delete them." Tegan quickly sat up, she tried to reach for Sara's phone but it was no use. "Sara, don't be like that. That's embarrassing, give me your phone." Sara put her phone behind her back.

"No, it's not. It's cute. I am telling you it's cute. Let's keep it a memory and laugh at it in the future." She backed away when her student was moving towards her on the mattress.

"See? You'll hold it against me and make fun of me in the future. Give it to me, damn it Sara, it's not funny." Sara was off her bed and standing on the floor. It was marvelous how androgynous she appeared with her attire while she was the opposite of that in reality. She looked simply handsome. "I swear to God, Sara, I will take pictures of you when you're drooling in your sleep and taking the whole space on the bed." It also felt wonderful to share such childish deeds someone the age of Sara wouldn't usually commit.

Sara froze in her place. "I still drool in my sleep? Fuck." She said mostly to herself. Tegan thought that was the opportunity to take a hold of Sara's phone, but the older woman not only had a firm gripe to the small object, but also ran to the kitchen with peals of laughter escaping her throat. "You can't fucking catch it. You're not gonna fucking get it."

She had never heard Sara swear as much, she seemed lighthearted and ebullient that day, she must had a good morning at university.

They were now both cramped together in the small space of the kitchen, the counter separating that space from the rest of the apartment was behind Sara's back while Tegan was pushing her to lean back on it the more her hands tried to reach for the phone. "Why try so hard, little Tee Tee?" Sara giggled.

A gasp left Tegan's mouth. "You didn't just call me that." She had previously informed Sara about her childhood nickname, and how much she abhorred to hear it now. Sara was pushing her buttons, and oddly enough, she enjoyed the sportive tussle. Tegan wanted to do something, her eyes searched for anything she could benefit from in order to gain control over Sara. When she finally found it, she had to contemplate whether it was appropriate to do what she had in mind or it would anger Sara since it was certainly going to stain her newly purchased black button up.

She decided not to give a fuck, and with a haste movement, she reached for the spray whipped cream on top of the counter and quickly sprayed some on Sara's face, earning a high pitched scream from her lover. Her eyes were covered with the white goodness, and she feared that she had ruined her professor's sight when Sara struggled to open her eyes. "Fuck, Tegan, fuck." Sara whispered through her struggle. However, while Tegan was busy with her worries about Sara's sight, she had missed the swift and smart movement of Sara's hands until an ample amount of chocolate syrup was squirted all over her face and half exposed chest, even the ground beneath her feet was splashed with the brown liquid, it was sliding down her cheeks, her chin, and her neck. She watched where her lover's eyes were lingering and it was on the line of chocolate trailing down the valley between her breasts. Every line, every drop of chocolate collected at her clavicle and ran down in the path between her breasts, hiding beneath the thin fabric of her top, it was quite the sight to see, even Tegan could admit that.

Irises blazing with licentious want, an angry fire, a red need torching these two spheres, Sara's phone was tucked inside her back pocket, never for a moment changing the angle of her concentration, from Tegan's wandering eyes and down to her chocolate-covered chest.

It was an attack, a rough and a wild attack that occurred in that ticking second, Sara's mouth was wetting Tegan's sticky chest, tongue running along every drop of the moist and gooey chocolate on her pale skin. Moans erupted in the room, moans caused by both women, Sara cherished the mix of Tegan's skin with the sweetness of the liquid, and Tegan relished the feeling it made her feel, awakening her desire, shaping it into a raged dragon. She pushed Sara's head with force on one of her breasts after pushing her tanktop down and revealing her nude torso.

Sara only gave a quick lick to her nipple before looking back at Tegan. "Lie on the counter." Breathlessly, she ordered. "I'm gonna fucking feast on you. Shit, God, you're my fucking breakfast. Lie on the damn counter." Sara's lust also invaded her body, making a frustrated concupiscent man out of her, one who couldn't speak properly due to the sexual desire overflowing in his body, one who pushed his hair to the back in sexual frustration the way her lover just did.

She did lie on the counter, and her clothes were easily taken off, leaving her only in her bodysuit, Sara only discarded her shirt. Their clothes were on the sticky floor, probably now stained with the chocolate remnants on the floor. She hadn't an exact idea of what Sara was going to do, but she was aware that whatever she had in that mind of hers was going to make a mess of her own kitchen or Tegan's body, and most probably, both.

Soon enough, she let out gasps each time her body was touched by chocolate syrup and whipped cream. "Look what happened to your kitchen." Though, that was the least of Tegan's concerns, she had to comment on that.

Her breasts were covered with a huge amount of these two ingredients while Sara was studying her handiwork. "Fuck the kitchen." She whispered. Her pants were gone soon after, and somehow she had managed to sit on top of Tegan's waist, still staring at her lover's chest. "This is like a porn I once watched when I was twenty. I masturbated to it each day for a month." Tegan inhaled deeply, Sara was going to cause her heart to stop beating one of these days. "Look at me now, dreams come fucking true." Apparently, Sara was living the dream, fulfilling her naughty fantasy. She didn't say no more, just began engulfing her feast off Tegan's breasts, loud moans coming from her, exaggerated if you'd ask Tegan, Sara was having the time of her life.

When the sugary goodness was fully consumed by Sara, the older woman didn't stop her work, Tegan's nipples ached, her hips bucked and Sara didn't touch her where she wanted the most. "Be still." Sara ordered between sucks on the hardened bud. "I wanna see if you can come only by this." She gave a squeeze to her sore breast.

"Please, Sara." Tegan didn't even recognize her own voice. "I don't think I can take it anymore. I can't come like that, touch me, please, just touch me." No more begging was needed, Sara yielded and pushed a thigh between her legs, Tegan sighed immediately at the contact, rolling her hips against Sara's flesh while Sara resumed her devotion to Tegan's breasts.

It didn't really take Tegan a while to reach her climax, it came in waves and it felt as if she had two orgasms after another instead of one. She felt not only exhausted but rather dizzy, her head spun to the degree she wasn't able to open her eyes for a couple of minutes after. She was sweaty, sticky, filthy, and drowning in all sorts of fluids, some are edible and some...well, Sara still consumed them. "Tegan, seriously, your boobs are majestic. I just love burying my face in them."

"Are you sure you're an English literature professor, thirty three year old, and a woman? Because you sound like a high school dude." She said with eyes still closed.

Sara pecked her lips, she felt Sara's body fully on top of her. Any wrong movement and they could fall. "You awaken my inner high school boy, baby. You're really dangerous and give me reckless ideas." She whispered, and then pecked her again.

Tegan thought of that morning every night after that, every hour of the day, she wanted more lewd ideas to creep into Sara's mind, she wanted Sara to go the extreme when having sex, perhaps Sara could fulfill every pornographic fantasy that sat inside her frenzied skull.


	23. Sara Reveals It All

**Chapter 23: Sara Reveals It All.**

**May 3rd, 2043**

Do you want to know something grave and terrible about me? Or will that ruin the story for you? It might make you see me with a different angle of vision now. It might make you view me as the antagonist of my own story. I have not only cheated on Sara with Emy, but also I have cheated on Emy with Jeremy. Well, after Emy and I dated. I did not love that woman. Not an ounce of me loved her, yet I deceived her millions of times, only selfishly, nothing more, nothing less. I didn't want to be alone after the fall Sara and I had, she offered a comforting shoulder, I took it with ease and sobbed on it. You can't blame me, can you?

Or maybe you can see me as the bad guy. Perhaps I had my reasons in cheating on Sara. Yes, I do find myself guilty. Back then I hadn't seen it in the same way she did, I thought she's to blame, and because of her actions, I strayed and took the other road. But now I know it was my fault, and I know I have shattered an already fallen castle with my vacuous actions.

**...**

Tegan clutched her lower abdomen as she curled beneath the warm protection of the blanket. Not only she was facing an atrocious kind of cold climbing all over her body, but also her head throbbed and she was struggling with the worst type of pain in her lower abdomen.

She questioned herself many times as she recalled the events of the previous night. She knew the headache was caused by the many shots she had with her friends. Even if there was a small part of her that hadn't regretted her actions, especially after the screaming and shouting she and Sara had caused in the middle of night in their building, slowly she was feeling the deep guilt of her late night partying and her drunken return to a waiting Sara. With such physical pain, she started feeling every bad deed she had done.

Last night began terrifically. Since she and Sara had gotten together, they hadn't parted for the previous three weeks. She hadn't had time to spend with her friends at all. And they were upset about that. Too much Sara was, with all honesty, suffocating. And she knew that so much of her was as well throttling. They needed to part, at least for few hours. She needed fresh air other than Sara's small place, Sara's dark room, and Sara's quiet talks.

Couples did spend time apart, it was normal. However, she and Sara hadn't done that. She and Sara spent their nights and days together except when she had to go to university and take classes other than Sara's class. Even when they slept they were in each other's space. It began to irritate her that she had so little privacy, because even when she showered, Sara was with her. Sara sensed it too, and so she said she made plans with a couple of friends on Saturday, just the way Tegan did.

Each went with their own friends in the evening. Tegan and her friends ditched the bar and decided to go to a party, one of these parties, just like the one she had been at three weeks before. Drinking wasn't out of her mental dictionary that night, she came in order to drink and have fun, and so so she did. She drank and she partied with her friends.

But then came midnight and her phone didn't stop buzzing in her back pocket. She huffed many times ignoring Sara's multiple missed calls and text messages. The older woman was asking her to return home. Tegan didn't want to.

"Who keeps calling you?" Her roommate asked. Her voice barely audible through the loud noise and the anxiously raised volume of the music.

"Is it your mother?" Lindsey asked after.

When the rings didn't stop, with a sigh, she succumbed and left the circle of her friends. "What do you want?" That was the first thing leaving her mouth as she picked it up.

Sara didn't reply for few seconds, there was some silence. "Sara?"

"Where are you?" Sara's tone was calm and quiet, not as irritated as hers. "Why is there so much noise?"

"I'm at a party, Sara. What do you want?" Tegan sighed, now speaking gently.

"Oh." Sara paused after the realization hit her. She hadn't told her she was going to a party, not that she needed to do so. "Are you drinking? Don't take anything weird, alright? I jus..."

"Don't fucking act as if you're my mom, you know I hate that." With gritted teeth, she cut her lover off.

"I just want you to be careful." Sara's tone was defensive. "You know what? I need to sleep. Don't come back and wake me up. Stay at your dorm." She didn't think Sara would be hurt because of her words, she simply asked her not to act as her mother. But Sara seemed that she had gotten offended.

The call ended and Tegan was supposed to stay at her dorm, and she hadn't done that since the first night she and Sara slept in Sara's apartment. So how did she end up waking up in Sara's apartment once again?

She had to squeeze her mind in order to recall the remaining events of the previous night. She could see visions of her guy friend and herself outside the house the party was held at. They were smoking as they always did, weed, and not cigarettes, however. She had vented to him things perhaps unnecessary to share about your relationship with your friend.

"Tell me if I'm wrong..." She didn't realize she was yelling while her arms were moving in each and every direction and while she had the meanest scowl on her face. "Wouldn't you get fucking angry if your girlfriend treated you that way?"

Jeremy didn't answer, he only listened. "I mean, I get it, she's older. She knows stuff. But she always makes me feel stupid, you know. I try to help her with the cooking or house work and she makes me sit. I try to discuss something important with her and she rolls her eyes at everything I fucking say. And then when we have sex, she always likes to be on top unless she wants me to do her then I have to do what she says. And whenever I wanna do her just because I want to, she doesn't let me. And she always has this look on her face that she's uncomfortable with what I'm doing. Like am I that bad in bed?" The previous night she hadn't realized how far she had went with her words, how much she had shared to her friend.

Jeremy had given her an advice, that she remembered. "I think you should talk to her. You won't know unless you talk to her."

"No." She quickly rejected. "I can't."

"Why not? It's healthier to solve your problems that way. These are really silly and minor issues, Tegan." Perhaps her friend was right, but she hadn't seen it that way last night.

"I'm afraid." Jeremy squinted his eyes and knotted his eyebrows. "What if she gets angry at me? What if I don't make sense to her? She scares me sometimes."

She herself didn't know why she held this fear when it came to Sara. They were partners, sharing things together. They were exposed to each other. She had her bad side and Sara had hers too, yet it was irritating her not being able to put up with Sara's bad side, she wondered if Sara was able to put up with hers. That's how couples are, right? She hadn't been in such a serious relationship before. It's true that it'd been three weeks only, but that's as serious as it could get. She and Sara shared the same bed, the same bathroom, and ate from the same food. They shared a closet, they shared conversations about almost anything without the hints of bashfulness covering each other's faces. She and Sara slept together abundantly in the previous weeks, they had seen each other naked. She had witnessed Sara shaving even the most private parts of her body, and they had lain beside each other even when her legs were very hairy. That's why was very comfortable in being with someone like Sara, nothing is too much, and everything is normal to see and witness.

Yet there were those little things that she would not dare confront Sara about. She and Sara hadn't yet discussed bringing toys in bed, and she, as well as Sara, very much did want that. Sara didn't talk to her about it, yet. Sara sometimes would twitch uncomfortably when Tegan's three fingers were inside of her, she would ask herself if she's doing something wrong, if Sara was not enjoying it. Sara would ask her to put more speed, or sometimes she would ask her to stop, they would wait, and then she would ask her again to resume the movement. All those tendencies built more questions inside her head. Was she doing something wrong? Was she hurting Sara? Did she give Sara what she wanted? At first when they started having sex, Sara usually gave her a feedback of the pleasure she provided, but not anymore. Usually, they would finish and then they would sleep.

It was Sunday, she wondered if they would have their usual Sunday routine if Sara wasn't as angry as she was the previous night.

Which took Tegan back to the previous night when Jeremy answered her, "If you are in a relationship which you can't talk to your partner about what's bothering you in it, fearing they'll get mad, then that's not a healthy relationship in the first place." Her friend's words reverberated harshly inside the rooms of her mind. And maybe that was the reason she insisted he would drive her to Sara's place at such a late hour of the night, despite being asked not to return to that uneventful apartment.

Her friend didn't seem to find it as a great idea, watching the seethe bursting from inside her. But her words were louder than his rejection. "This is not a good idea. You're not even sober."

Even though her cries were heard and Jeremy was driving her to Sara's place, he didn't stop his attempts in making her second guess her decision. "It's two in the morning for God's sake." And they had ditched their two friends at the party.

"I need to talk to her. We need to talk. You're right, this is not fucking healthy. Like I can't hold it anymore, I need to fucking let it out."

While her hands were moving aimlessly in each direction as she speedily spoke, Jeremy's were clutching the steering wheel with caution, his eyes fixed on the dark road ahead. "You go and talk in the morning not right now." She only rolled her eyes at her friend. "Look, my place is here, why don't we just crash in there and I'll drive you to her in the morning?"

She glared at him and snarled, "I said drive me to her."

Jeremy didn't say anything after, he only obeyed.

He also insisted he'd go up with her. "The last time you were this drunk you slept with Emy. I'm not letting you go like that and scare the shit out of the poor woman in the middle of the night." That time, he was the one who wouldn't give in and leave her alone, even though she told him plenty of times in the elevator to leave.

She had rung the doorbell three times in a row. "I really think you should go, you'll get me in trouble."

"You're getting yourself in trou..." Before he could finish his sentence the door was quickly and roughly opened.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Furious, whispered Sara with ire vibrating in her octave as she held the door, standing there banning her younger partner from entrance. "I told you not to show up." Her hair was, as usual, aiming at every direction. She was in her navy robe, God knows what's inside.

"We need to talk." Tegan's tone was way louder, way sharper. Her hands pushed Sara's to allow herself and her friend in. "There's no school tomorrow, we're going to talk." She did stutter between her words, she did also carry the soft lisp which was way more subtle than Sara's.

Jeremy held his palm against her back, she pushed it away, her big wide orbs dilated at the older woman. "I'm really sorry. She insisted I'd drive her here, she's kinda drunk and..." He let the words die down as Sara nodded, lowering her head.

"You can go, Jeremy. I'll handle that." Perhaps that word outraged her more. The way Sara was speaking, referring to her as_ that, _using the words that caused her to feel so little and very childish. She wanted to sob, she wanted to cause drama. Her friends and her family were right, she is a drama queen, she makes something out of nothing, she always did that.

It could be, and it probably was, the alcohol, and it could be her nervous and anxious mind flustered by Sara's knife eyes after her friend had left caused her to run to the bathroom and free the contents of her stomach. The way these coppery spheres looked at her with so much brutality and abuse in them frighted her to the utmost degree. Could it be that she and Sara shared such a toxic relationship built on fear? It was not abusive, it was sweet and gentle, then why did she fear everytime Sara's eyes scanned her with a squint or a glare? Why didn't Sara fear the way she looked at her?

Sara didn't hurry to the bathroom behind. She didn't hold her hair, and she definitely didn't give gentle soothing rubs to her tensed back. Sara was outside, waiting for her to finish. And when she did, she saw how Sara collected the pillow on the right side of the bed, the side she'd been sleeping on for the past three weeks, and a blanket from the closet outside to the living room. Just a simple sign declaring that she wasn't welcomed in Sara's bed that night.

"We need to talk." She insisted. She had to prove to Sara that she's sober and capable of a proper speech in the middle of the night. She walked up to her to stop her from rummaging through her closet.

Sara turned around, pushing Tegan's hands off her own. She threw Tegan's pajamas at her. "You smell like shit." Sara paused. With so much void in her tone and her features, she continued, "Go sleep outside. I can't handle someone smelling like smoke in my bed." Her voice was calm, but Tegan knew when Sara was agitated with fury, she knew that through these mirror eyes. She could perfectly view it.

"We need to talk." Insisted Tegan, with more coarseness and attitude in her tone.

But that didn't stop Sara from pushing her outside the room, and that didn't move her one bit, it didn't make her soften up and crack the hard wall she had just built. "We'll talk when you know what the fuck you're saying." The mockery in her tone was even more provocative.

Tegan found herself outside a closed and a locked door right away, without any chance for her to enter and fight for her right of conversation with Sara. She banged on the door without any care that in the same storey as Sara existed four other apartments inhabited by other people. "Open the fucking door." She also hollered. Still no sound of Sara was heard. No action from inside the closed door was heard. "Fuck you, Sara." And that was the last thing she remembered saying the previous night before crashing on Sara's couch without even changing her clothes.

She hated to admit it to herself, but her friend was absolutely right when he warned her not to go to Sara's place at such a time of the night. She wouldn't have been sleeping uncomfortably on those cushions, she wouldn't have been feeling that much chilliness not holding onto Sara or her stuffed animal. She wouldn't have been dealing with cramps restricting her movement on the couch, she wouldn't have been feeling that bad about herself and what had happened before the door was closed.

She wondered what was the time and if Sara was up or not. She wondered if the door was still unlocked. It was very irritating that Sara had only one bathroom which was placed inside her room. It's as if she was completely imprisoned from any facilities of comfort.

She decided to get up and try her luck with Sara, or Sara's room, she really needed to pee. When she sat up she could feel the familiar feeling she had forgotten about greeting her between her thighs. She paused for a second, doing the math in her head and calculating the days. She stood up and looked inside her pants and boxers only to be proven correct. It was her menstrual cycle. She had fully forgotten about it even though it was four days late. Then the vicious cramps and the physical pain she was feeling all made sense to her.

She walked to Sara's room, and lucky she was, the door was slightly ajar. Sara was inside. Sara looked neat, clean, and tidy. Her hair well combed and her attire simple and comfy-looking. They exchanged a brief eye contact while Tegan was grabbing an underwear for herself. Sara returned to her work in front of the screen of her computer soon after. Not even a good morning was exchanged, and to Tegan, the morning already didn't feel that good.

She searched every angle inside Sara's bathroom for tampons or pads and she found none. She hadn't any with her as well. That only forced her to speak to Sara. She opened the door and declared, "I got my period."

Sara turned around, facing her. She had a hand on her chest and sighed in relief. "Oh thank God, I thought I've impregnated you." She said in mockery.

She didn't laugh nor even smile at Sara's bitter sarcasm. "Do you have any tampons? Pads? Anything? I searched everywhere and I don't have any with me."

Sara's facial expression immediately changed. She had a blank look on her face. She was thinking. "Right." She scratched the back of her head and quickly stood up. "I'll run down to the store." Sara paused again while staring at Tegan. Her expression was unreadable. "I'll be quick."

Sara's attitude had immediately altered. The roughness and bitterness of her eyes from the night before shifted and changed to sudden softness and timidness.

She waited for Sara in the bathroom. She thought of showering, she needed a good shower. And so she did. She thought about Sara and how she was going to approach her. She thought about what she should say. She didn't want to apologize, but at the same time she felt guilty with her actions the previous night. Eventually, she decided to worry about what to say when Sara would return and they would have a chance to sit and speak together.

**...**

She sat down and faced her half eaten omelet. She couldn't finish it anymore, if she did, she might end up throwing it all up. She hadn't noticed that she was slightly rocking back and forth on the chair. Sara scanned her movement slowly. She too sat, but with a cup of coffee facing her. "Why aren't you eating?" Her voice was tender and soft. It was caring and did not seem as bossy as Sara's tone might seem to Tegan sometimes.

"I'm not that hungry. I don't know, I don't feel like it." She shrugged. Her movement hadn't stopped.

Sara took another sip of her coffee. It could be said that she and Sara slightly made up. Not with words, but perhaps with actions. At least the coldness that she felt last night had withered away. Sara offered to cook her breakfast when she returned from the store with what Tegan needed. They hand't said much yet, though.

"Tegan," Sara began, her voice still as soft, but a sigh left her lips. "When I ask you and worry about what you are doing or aren't doing I don't mean to act as the superior person in this relationship." She reached for Tegan's hand on the table, she touched it. It took Tegan back to their date. It was the only lonely date they had. At the beginning she just wished to stay with Sara at her place all the time, now she wished she'd go out with Sara, she'd show off Sara, she wouldn't just be locked between four sleepy walls. "And I definitely don't intend on acting as if I am your mother." Sara finished. She had a small smile on her lips.

"I'm sorry about last night." She studied Sara's pale hand on her own. Their skin tone was much alike they could become one, or be mistaken as hands belonged to one person. "I didn't mean to just barge in and wake you up, I don't know what I was thinking."

"You weren't." Sara sipped her coffee again. "You were under the effect of alcohol and God knows what else. You weren't thinking." These were the little judgments she didn't enjoy from Sara. If Sara was her age, she would have been at that party with her. They would have smoked together, or if not, then drunk together, and maybe ended up sleeping together, and would have waken up not remembering it. But Sara was older and she acted even older than her age at times.

"I just wanted to talk." She simply declared.

"I know." Sara nodded. And there was her usual pause.

"Sara..." She hesitated.

"Yes, Tegan." They looked at each other for a second, perhaps a bit more. "Let it all out of your system. You're bottling things up. Let them out on me. It's okay. Come on."

Sara invited her to speak and release the small and simple issues that ticked through her brain and awakened her senses to the degree of irritation. "I just don't like how this is going. I mean," She didn't know how to phrase her sentences. Sara was nodding, giving her the space to vent. "you just said you don't intend to act like my mother but you don't realize that you are. You really are. You act as if you know everything and I know nothing. I get it. You're older, you're more experienced in life, you worry that I'm gonna fuck up. But I don't want you to worry and over do it. I can take care of myself. I am not a child, just stop treating me as if I am one. I know I have my stupid childish ways, but I'm not. And I can take care of myself. I deserve to go out with my friends and live my life the way everyone my age does. You were my age once, I'm pretty sure you weren't a saint back then, I'm pretty sure you smoked a joint once in your life, you got drunk, you forgot what happened the night before, you smelled like shit, you did stupid things. I can't just act like you. Just sit in this place twenty four hours of the damn day and do absolutely nothing. You don't even allow me to help you in cooking or house work. Like I can help, I can do things, this is a relationship. Couples do things together, they don't just...goddamn it." She couldn't finish her train of words, she choked up on the last sentence. She really despised the times when she was on her period.

Sara didn't say anything. Her vision was focused on the wooden dining table. Tegan wiped her falling tears with her own thumb. Sniffling, she continued, "And am I really that bad in sex that you don't make me give it to you so often? Do I hurt you?"

Upon hearing that, Sara raised her head up and her vision was once again back on Tegan. She seemed dumbfounded with what had left her student's mouth. "Do I really make you feel that way?" She was whispering, as if not wanting an answer. Tegan didn't provide any either way, she only wiped more of her easy tears. "Everything that I've been doing, it wasn't really intentional. It came out of instinct. I don't know, it's just how I am. With every partner, not just you." Tegan could hardly buy that. "I do admit though, the age does hold a strong factor, but it really does come unintentionally. I don't mean to make you feel this bad about yourself." Tegan knew that, she knew Sara didn't mean to hurt her feelings, Sara was too sweet and loving to do that.

Sara scratched her left eyebrow, her index and middle finger moving to her temple to rub there. "I did go to parties. I did drink and I did a lot of stupid shit. I didn't smoke at all...ever. I really couldn't take smoking, but I did end up smelling like shit and even worse at nights. I guess the only difference is that I didn't have someone waiting for me when I sneaked back inside my parents' house, you know. I guess I am not giving you the proper space." Sara chuckled, mostly to herself. "I'm just a boring old woman, I guess."

Tegan wanted to tell Sara she's not boring and not old and that she enjoyed spending time with her more than spending time with anybody else, but Sara proceeded, "Tegan, you don't hurt me in sex. I love everything you give me, I love the way you touch me." There was a ghost of a blush tinting Sara's cheeks. "But I also really love touching you too. I really love having all of you. I guess I've been a bit selfish. I hadn't realized it." Sara was genuinely speaking. Tegan couldn't stay mad at her lover, not when she didn't mean to upset her.

Tegan released a breath. Her two eyes were not only swollen but also bloodshot and her eyelashes were damp. "I guess that's it. I feel better letting it all out, actually." She paused for a bit and then proceeded, "Yes, I really feel better now. I guess I just needed to rant and like, let it all out."

"Whatever bothers you from now on, tell me about it. Don't just let it locked up and then you burst like that, that's not healthy." Giving many advices seemed only in Sara's nature, it was who she was. "And I will tell you about what bothers me too. Right now, nothing really. I'm just a bit ashamed of myself knowing I caused you to think like that. Other than that, I'm just glad you opened up and told me."

Jeremy was right. Those were minor issues, and if she had talked about them with Sara since before, she wouldn't have gone through the quarrels inside her head about whether Sara fancied her or not. She should have just discussed them with Sara from the start. It was the wise thing to do.

**...**

The painful cramps were slowly becoming worse, slowly invading her system and making it surrender to fatigue and physical pain. She knew she would not be able to sleep the night because of the pain in her back and lower abdomen. Her womb was her enemy at that moment. The Midol Sara provided did not provide any comfort to her insides. The first three days were always the hardest to take when she was menstruating. The second day would be unbearable, she would spend it curled up in her bed from dusk till dawn. Usually she would skip university or school or any event she would have to attend, but the next day she couldn't skip because she had an important quiz in her fourth class. She mentally decided to skip the first three classes.

She was curled up on Sara's bed, a blanket keeping her warm, with her hands on her belly. Sara visited the room every now and then either to ask her if she wanted to eat something or to take something that she wanted from her room. Then Sara came and sat next to Tegan's resting form on the bed. "I found out that I still have my heating pad from when I used to get periods." Tegan looked at her professor with confusion all over her pale face. Sara removed the blanket and placed the object in her hands atop of Tegan's pelvis. "This should make it a bit better for you. Do you always get really bad cramps?"

Instant warmth hit Tegan where she wanted the most, relaxing her body in ways she didn't think were possible. She sat up a little bit, using her elbow for leverage. "Yes. The first two or three days." She didn't miss Sara's use of the past tense, but she didn't want to seem rude and ask about it.

Sara, however, she proceeded in using it, "Mine weren't that bad. Only the last few months when everything was messed up in my body."

"You hit menopause?" Tegan furrowed her eyebrows. "Isn't that too early?"

Sara looked at her for what seemed like forever, but really, they were only few seconds. Few seconds of lip biting and contemplation. "You know how I used to be absent a lot last year?" Tegan gave a nod. Of course she remembered that, she also remembered that Sara's excuse was her health issues. Her heart was drumming and her mind was racing as Sara began to speak about that unspoken of subject.

Sara's feet were on the mattress, her back to the headboard, while Tegan's own head was resting on the pillow. Tegan looked up at her professor as she continued talking. "Tegan, I had cancer in the womb."

Sara's sentence came all of a sudden, that's how it felt. It came in one quick line and resonated in Tegan's ears. That was the last thing she had expected. She didn't even expect it in the first place. It had never occurred to her mind. Cancer. The deadly disease. All last year. To her lover. She was speechless, her mind was screaming with many questions but her mouth wasn't able to utter a word. "I didn't know it at first. I started having really messed up periods. Bleeding in a very huge amount. I thought it's something that had to do with the miscarriage. Later it appeared I had a tumor and it was slowly growing. I was really shocked. I really can't even describe the depression that I went through."

"I'm so sorry." She found herself whispering. She looked hard at her hands, they didn't hold the answers. Tegan also was very shocked with the news.

"Tegan, this is why I didn't teach last semester. Last summer I got a hysterectomy. But apparently that wasn't enough since I decided not to remove my cervix. It was better to get chemotherapy in order to make sure the cancer will be completely gone and won't spread. I was really lucky that it was in its first stages. I really thought I was gonna die. I thought it was going to spread and kill me. But I really didn't want to die. I was willing to do anything just to be healthy again. I was willing to remove all my parts just to be alive."

It was rather strange how Sara was the one narrating her own story but Tegan was the one crying. She felt bad. She imagined it. All that time Sara was gone, these past months that she wished for Sara to be with her, Sara was facing a war with a malicious cruel disease. "Hey, why are you crying? Look, I'm still here." Sara chuckled. "You cry about everything." She let that sentence whispered, Tegan silently agreed.

"I'm just really shocked. I didn't expect that. I didn't know you have gone through all of this pain. You're so strong."

"I am strong." Sara proudly confirmed. She was beaming, and Tegan couldn't help not to smile.

"But how did you get it? You're so young to get it. Is that why you had a miscarriage?" She hoped she wasn't pushing it with the questions.

"To be frank with you, I don't know exactly how. But I believe it is inherited, my grandma died of it. My mother couldn't conceive after me so I guess that's why it was hard for me to conceive and for the baby to survive. I don't know if it had anything to do with my fucked up womb, but I didn't have any tumor or any kind of cancerous cells at that time."

She felt the warmth of the heating pad slowly healing her aching insides. She wanted to get up and hold Sara in her arms but she didn't do that. It seemed that Sara didn't fancy being pitied, it could explain why she had hidden this information from Tegan and chose not to speak about it. "Okay, this may kinda be rude but how come your mom wants you to try and have kids again? I mean, you can't do that anymore, right?" She bit her lips, hoping with everything within her that she hadn't said something that might awaken Sara's miseries.

"Didn't I tell you my mum is dumb?" Sara giggled, Tegan was glad. "She doesn't know about that. My parents don't really know."

"Wow." Tegan mumbled.

"Ya." Sara sighed and then continued, "I visited them before getting the surgery done for one week. They didn't even notice how ugly and shitty I looked. They only went on and on about how lonely I must be by myself and how I should try to settle down again. I was going to tell them, but after that I decided not to. I didn't want their stupid pity. Let them not know. They don't know an ounce of shit about me, so why should they know that my health is fucked up?" She shrugged. There was a smile on her face. Tegan wanted to decipher its purport but she couldn't. "Anyway, I told you about Stacy. She's the one who helped me through all of that. You know, I needed someone with me. So ya, she kinda stayed here with me for a couple of months until I recovered."

"She lived here?" Tegan asked and Sara nodded. "She slept on that bed?"

Sara raised one eyebrow and drew a smirk on her lips, her own smirk. "Maybe." She wiggled her eyebrows at Tegan, who was cackling on her part. "But her daughter slept in the middle most of the time. Or mostly spent the nights crying. She was such a pain. She gave me headaches and I was so not in the mood. But at least now I can say I have a friend who's younger than you are." Sara winked as she teased her student. Tegan elbowed her thigh as gently as she could, fearing that she might hurt any part of Sara's frail body.

"I'm really glad you're alive and healthy. You're healthy right now? Right, Sara? You're fine."

"I am." Sara softly said. "Everything's fine." She reached her hand and placed it on Tegan's arm, stroking the delicate skin of her student. "Sometimes it gets hard in sex. That's why I kinda push you away. I think it might be a side effect. But sometimes it kinda hurts when you reach really deep. It could be because I hadn't really had anything inside of me since before removing my womb. But ya, I've been told that sex might get a bit uncomfortable at times."

"Sara, why didn't you tell me?" She didn't let the older woman answer and continued, "I mean I know why. But why didn't you tell me to go slow or gentle?" She can feel her face flushed on both sides.

"Because I enjoy it. I can take it. It's fine, Tegan. Really, you don't have to worry." A peck followed Sara's assuring words. A peck on her forehead.

That night she had held onto Sara as if the woman was going to escape her gripe at any passing moment. She struggled sleeping at first because of the pain that returned as soon as she removed the heating pad and replaced it with Sara's bodily warmth. Sara, on the other hand, had slept peacefully and calmly, or at least that's what Tegan hoped.

Tegan thought about every confession Sara had made. She thought about what had happened to Sara while she was in her own world, hoping and wishing that Sara would be hers. She questioned every sane nerve inside of her brain why Sara had touched her the way she did and vanished after it all summer long. She thought Sara was playing games of the mind. She thought Sara was merely flirting. She thought that she had misread Sara's signs. Turned out Sara was only dealing with a horrific ordeal. Sara was fighting for her own life, doing her best to hold onto the thin thread before it was cut short and she fell at the end of it.

She knew such a disastrous disease wasn't easily gone. She knew it was a ghost that haunts and munches on its prey. She knew that many of those who thought they had won the battle were struck with the knowledge that the old weighty guest was visiting again, most of the times they had realized it a bit too late. She wanted to make sure her lover was fully fine. Entirely recovered. What if the beast returned and took her away from Tegan? What if her days were numbered and she didn't tell Tegan? Tegan realized that Sara didn't tell her everything. Sara only revealed her secrets one step at a time, only when she had to, or was asked with drumming curiosity by the younger woman.

And therefore she clutched on Sara's flesh tightly with her fists, fearing that the woman might abruptly elope by a sudden supernatural force.

When Sara woke up in the morning, she commented, "I was worried you were in too much pain. You kept squeezing and pressing on my arms in your sleep." Tegan had been just out of the bathroom, sitting on the bed and staring at the faint hints of sunshine peeking from the clouds outside Sara's bedroom window.

She was in a great deal of pain, but that was not the reason she had even held Sara more tightly while in her sleep. It was due to her nightmare. It was that same old car nightmare. That time it came in a different form. That time Sara was inside the tunnel of mist and shadows, the tunnel of the white darkness and bright blindness. She waved goodbye as she passed in the car she didn't know how to lead outside the cursed road. Sara didn't wave goodbye back. Her eyes were frosty and frozen, she had no expression on her face. Tegan looked back at Sara, but the woman averted her gaze to the secret notebook of thoughts, she looked at it and did not give Tegan a single thought. Tegan passed and reached her destination in the darkness of the street. Alone, cold, and without a roof to shelter her from the outside, it was the street.

Finally, she looked at Sara who was rubbing her eyes. "Ya. I was. But I think it was just a stupid dream I had. Kinda terrible."

"Tell me about it." Sara reached for her hand and squeezed the damp skin.

She looked at her professor for some time. "I'd rather not to."

"Then try to forget it. Dreams don't mean a thing most of the time." Sara sat up and stretched, she smiled at her student and Tegan smiled back, nodding her head. Maybe she should neglect it. The dream had no meaning. If it did, she would have known it. She'd been having it since she was five.

Even though she had only attended three classes, the time seemed that it wasn't going to pass so she could return to Sara's place and find her comfort beneath Sara's blanket. Nothing was helping the clenching actions that she was feeling in her lower abdomen. She was glad that Sara had only her class to give and offered to drive them back after it.

It was time for Sara's class and she was waiting for it to start and end.

While sitting in her chair, reading texts from her mother that she had no time to respond to, her friend had entered the class and sat beside her. She took a glance at her friend and smiled. "Jeremy is asking if you're alright. What happened? Why aren't you replying to any of your texts?"

She took one last glimpse at her phone and returned her focus back to her best friend. "I didn't have time. Sorry. I was just going to try and respond."

"Gosh, you're so fucking pale. Let me guess, you have your period." Emy snickered. When Tegan frowned, she said, "You always look like a dying ghost when it's here."

"Fuck you." She mumbled as her professor entered the class and closed the door.

First thing Sara did was take a look at Tegan. The look caused her to feel more insecure than she already was feeling. Perhaps she should have coloured her face with the fake art of make up to appear less ghastly looking. Sara glanced at her all through the lecture as she unconsciously winced in pain. That's the reason why she never showed up to any of her classes while suffering such cramps. She only needed to get home.

When the class ended, she waited for everybody to leave, even her friend in order to be alone with her lover. Sara collected her papers and books and looked up at Tegan whose palm covered her forehead. She ordered her to meet her at the back gate so that nobody sees her in Sara's car. Tegan complained about having to walk but eventually yielded.

As soon as she slammed the car's door, with a scowl on her face, with eyebrows furrowed, she sighed exasperatedly. "I feel like all my insides are slowly coming out of me. I feel like I'm going to die."

"Nobody dies because of a period. Stop exaggerating. Everybody gets these, stop being so whiny." Sara scolded as she drove to her place.

Of course her student looked at her with two flaming eyes, anger seeping out of them. "Just because yours didn't suck, it doesn't mean that mine doesn't too. For fuck's sake, not even pain killers are working." Her voice began to crack.

"Oh God, don't tell me you're going to cry." Sara released a sigh. "Gosh, Tegan. You literally just try to find anything to cry about. Control your damn mood swings." When her student did not respond, but instead looked out of the window, she declared, "We're almost home." But Tegan already knew. "Are you mad at me now?" Still no response, yes Tegan was angry. Even though she had heard the same words and complaints about her easy tears from almost every person she has gotten close to, she still felt upset with Sara saying it out loud. "Of course you are." Sara released another sigh and parked.

Tegan threw herself on the bed as soon as she was inside the warm apartment. She didn't even bother taking off her converse. Sara did the work, she figured it's only because Sara didn't want her shoes to be on the bed. But Sara as well helped her take off her coat and covered her with the quilt. She then pecked her forehead and whispered, "Don't be mad at me. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, okay?"

"Okay." She whispered back and earned another kiss on the same place. After that, she drifted off to a very deep sleep, one that left you exhausted when you woke up. It was one of those naps that when one awoke from them they felt their body was about to collapse, but at the same time it made them feel wonderful and relaxed.

Firstly, she went to the bathroom. After that, she changed her clothes from the morning and switched to shorts and a t-shirt. Then she paced outside only to find Sara in her kitchen. The tasty aroma of baked goods traveled to her nose, arising her appetite and causing her stomach to growl in anticipation. Her eyes fell on the chocolate chip cookies that seemed just out of the oven, mouthwatering, soft, and mushy. Sara looked up from focusing on her recipe's notebook and smiled at her, she smiled back with hooded eyes and puffy lids.

Her hand reached for one of those cookies that her tongue desired to feel the sweetness they held, but Sara slapped it away, pushing her back. "Ow." She frowned at her giggling lover. "What the fuck? I'm hungry."

"They're hot. I just got them out. You'll burn your fingers." Sara warned. "You slept for more than four hours, baby." She remarked and the younger woman widened her eyes at the observation. She didn't know she had slept that much. It felt only like one hour, yet she was terribly exhausted from that nap. "Your mother called like five hundred times, I swear. And she kept texting you. I almost responded. I think she's worried. How are you feeling by the way?"

Tegan hopped on the counter, the tray of the cookies she wouldn't stop staring at was beside her. "Shit. That woman. If I don't call one day, she freaks out and thinks I died or something." She reached for one cookie and pulled away right after her index felt the heat that Sara warned her about. "I'm feeling better. So much better." Sighing in relief and yawning, she reached once again for the same cookie but it was still too hot to hold.

Sara tsked as she stood beside her. "You're just like Jack. He wouldn't wait a single second. I would make three trays and wake up the next morning to find them gone." She shook her head and smiled, probably at the memory. "I kinda had to read some of the texts your mum sent. I became worried there was something urgent."

She finally was able to hold the baked round cookie in her hands and take a bite. She wanted to moan at the mixture of sweetness, crisp, and softness that met her tongue, but she didn't. She only hummed a bit at what Sara said. "I hope you didn't read something too embarrassing. I told you before that my mom is really weird." She took another bite, a very big one, the crumbles falling off her mouth and staining her top.

"Hey, how many times have I told you not to speak with your mouth full?" Tegan grinned at her older, easily irritated lover, holding a second cookie in her hand before she was even done with the first one. "There wasn't really embarrassing ones, except for this one I really did enjoy reading." Sara reached for Tegan's phone, which was in the back pocket of her light blue jeans. "Honey, is that bitch professor giving you so much homework again? Is this why you're not replying to me? Didn't I tell you that woman seems like some trouble?" The student almost choked on what she was chewing, coughing twice as Sara had that one smirk on her face. "Bitch professor, huh?"

"It's not you." Hurriedly, she lied.

"Sure." Sara winked at her. "Who gives you so much homework other than me?"

Sara knew her well, they technically lived together. She was the only one who gave her homework, so much homework. And Sara as well heard her complaining about it to her mother. "My mother said that, not me, okay?"

"I seriously wanna meet her. Seems like a cool woman. I have a feeling we'll get along."

"She'll kill me if she knew I'm sleeping with you." Tegan sighed

Sara gave a nod, she was thinking. "Maybe after you graduate?" She paused again. "She wouldn't have a reason to become angry. I mean, we can tell her that I'm twenty five or something. Even though, let's not lie, I totally look like a hot twenty year old." She winked for the second time.

Tegan wanted to kiss her, she always desired to do so when her lover joked and was as sweet as the fucking cookie she was munching on. "You totally do." Tegan winked at her as well, boosting the older woman's ego. "I honestly don't know. Who cares what she thinks, anyway. I'm an adult, right? That's my decision, not hers." She was glad that Sara saw a future in what they had, she didn't want to be pessimistic and doubt it.

"That's my girl." Sara sheepishly whispered. It's as if she was too hesitant to utter these words. And maybe she was, her ears were damn scarlet.

**...**

**May 3rd, 2043**

Let me tell you a short summery about what I had done when Sara was gone. As I have revealed, Emy and I started dating. It was monotonous to the degree of physical pain, I assure you. One day I was with Jeremy. I am not quite sure if I was wasted or not, but that's not important. I ended up sleeping with him. And that was not the only time, it was not the last time. It happened again, it remained a hushed secret for months and months until our third friend found out. We can say I have wrecked two relationships and a friendship, or two. Emy and I were no longer as strong as we were. We three graduated university. Emy did a year before I did. Jeremy as well. A year followed until we were able to fix our friendship, not perfectly, but it was good. But Emy had a girlfriend, a girlfriend who did not only love her but whom she loved as well, and that girlfriend made sure Emy doesn't get near me. I can guiltlessly say I did not care.

Let me highlight this, I am not proud of what I have done. I am ashamed in fact, and yes I do regret it. I can still hear these ringing bells of Sara's bawling voice. I can still hear Emy's cries. I can still hear each time Jeremy gave me an advice that I should have taken. I can still hear my mother's words. I can still hear everything and I am still haunted by a past that wouldn't leave me alone. I suppose the reason of my fall the last year and a half of university was due to what I had to deal with when Sara was gone. You see, even if I hadn't cheated on Sara, even if I didn't cause much pains to those who were around me, Sara would have still left me. But we can say that she and I both deserved a better farewell than the one we had. And my friends didn't deserve the selfish actions that I had done.

_Leave my loneliness unbroken!- quit the bust above my door!_

_Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my_

_door!'_

_Quoth the Raven, 'Nevermore.'_


	24. The Kitchen Counter and the Couch

**Chapter 24: The Kitchen Counter and the Couch.**

**March, 2014**

Kisses. Velvety lips. Soft and fleecy brushing her supple neck. One after another. Achingly slow, they travel from one tendon to another, reaching behind her ears and planting more of these heady kisses. They travel down once again, they part and begin another action. Sucking, pulling on that flesh, wetting it and taking more of it in. She threw her head to the back and came the softest of sounds she had ever released escaping her own parted lips. The heat felt great between her thighs but she wouldn't let Sara perform any of what they both had in mind.

She let out another sound. Louder that time. Needy.

She felt the sneaky fingers of her lover making their way past her sweatpants. Her reflexes were quick, she pushed that hand away and opened her eyes. A grin grew on her face. Her lover seemed pained. She felt amused.

Sara winced and sat up. Tegan grinned wider at her lover's agony. "Tegan." Sara breathed her name with a furrowed brow. "Come on, it's been too long." It had been so long since they had sex. More than a week. She hadn't allowed her lover to touch her while she was menstruating as well. "When are you going to finish?" impatient Sara whined.

Tegan shrugged her shoulder. "I don't know. When it stops." Her teeth appeared again when her lips parted.

"When is it going to stop?" Sara's hand made their way back to her body once again, only resting on her belly.

"Who knows." She teased. Her girlfriend frowned. "I have to go to uni, anyway. We don't even have time, Sara." She threw her head back on the pillow.

Sara succumbed and laid beside her. She released a sigh. "Stacy is coming today and we won't be able to fuck until she and Ella are gone."

Sara's best friend had informed them that she was visiting for the weekend. Turned out she often visited in order to check on Sara. Each time she would visit she would bring her daughter along. They would share the bed with Sara. That time, there was a slight problem, Tegan shared the bed with Sara. Not only that, but also the space in the bathroom. In the closet. Her books were in every corner. Her shoes were near the door. Her coats in the closet near the door. Her laptop on Sara's coffee table. Her phone was being charged on the bedside table. Her underwear in Sara's laundry. Her hairbrush on Sara's dresser.

Tegan had suggested sleeping at her dorm for the time being but Sara refused. She said something about how that was their place now and not only Sara's. Or at least that's how Tegan understood it. They reached a solution, eventually. Tegan were to sleep on the couch. Stacy, Sara, and Ella on Sara's bed. She wasn't satisfied with that suggestion, but she didn't voice her opinion against it. She just didn't want to leave Sara alone with the woman she had slept with multiple of times and go sleep in the same place with the woman she slept with one time. Plus, most of her stuff were in Sara's place. It would be exhausting to just move from place to another.

"Haven't you been like taking care of yourself all last week?" Tegan raised an eyebrow at the older woman. Sara's cheeks were slowly turning red. "I mean, I kinda heard you." She admitted. It was her turn to have her cheeks stained with pinkish hue. Sara's were a shade darker.

The only reason she heard Sara's heavy breaths and soft whimpers was because the bathroom's door was unclosed when she entered Sara's room three days before. She knew what was happening right away. She took a peek at what was happening. It caused her to freeze in her place and watch the scene. It was spectacular watching her lover help herself reaching her orgasm. She wished she had been there a bit earlier. She wished to see that again.

"I have." Sara inhaled. Her octave sharp. "But I wanna touch you. I mean it's not the same when I do it by myself. Tegan, you've been spying on me?" She quickly asked. Tegan hadn't thought her lover would turn as crimson as she was looking. Her ears were soon on fire.

Tegan knew Sara hadn't any issues with watching her in her most intimate moments and private times. Sara spoke about it many times. And one time when she was providing Tegan with pleasure, she was also providing her own self with it. "You left the door open. I came into the room. Ya." She bit her lower lip. She hoped she hadn't crossed the line.

Sara sat up and looked at her. "Did you, uh like it?" She stuttered. "Did it turn you on?"

"Saraaaa." The younger woman wanted to cover her face with her hands. Sara's eyes begged for an answer. "Well of course it turned me on. I've been squeezing my fucking legs together all week. It's like I get hornier on my period. It's torture."

"I know." Sara giggled. "I used to touch myself like three times a day when I had it." Tegan wrinkled her nose. She wouldn't ever imagine herself doing that. "I'd do it in the bathroom. You know, to clean up the mess after."

"That's..." She trailed off.

"Weird? Disgusting? I guess." Sara shrugged.

Tegan kept quiet for a brief second. "I just don't think I can ever do that. I mean ya, it's a turn off for me. I'm sorry."

Sara giggled once again. "It's okay. I reached the conclusion that I don't get repulsed with anything when it comes to sex. Except maybe stinky balls." Sara's filter was absent that morning. The student wrinkled her nose once again and Sara guffawed. "Okay, I'm gonna shut up." She moved her thumb and index across her lips, imitating an action of zipping them. Her lovely cheeks were bleeding red.

Friday mornings could be listed as the definition of idle and tedious mornings in Tegan's mental terminology. She quarreled within her mind whether to rise up from lying on Sara's bed and get ready to start her day, or continue resting her sluggish body and perhaps allow Sara to touch her. She reached for her phone. It was only half past six. She could allow Sara to give her a brief satisfaction before they're ready. Perhaps above her clothes. She wanted to. She still had time.

Sara's head was on her shoulder and Sara's hand was on her arm. Even the way Sara's body was encircling her was tempting to spend all day in bed with Sara. But eventually, even Sara would have to get up and move. She had a long day ahead, after all. She wanted to cook and to start it before she goes to her job. They really wouldn't have another time to touch each other while Sara's friend was present. And that would mean they would waste another Sunday not performing the act of their desire.

So she had reached a decision. Sara's right hand was taken in her own hand and it was guided to rest between her legs. Right on that beating button inside her pants. Relief sat in at the pressure she caused using her own hand and Sara's. She slightly whimpered. "You changed your mind?" Sara's fingers didn't need her help anymore. She left Sara doing all the work and threw her head back, eyes closed and lips apart.

Sara palpitated that part of her body in extremely slow strokes. She pushed her thumb on her swollen bud each time it touched it above the layers of her clothes. "Shhh. Just do it. Quickly. Make me..." She swallowed in order to say the word. But a tune so familiar vibrated in her ears. Heard inside the room. Caused Sara to pause her action and her to open her eyes. Who would be calling at such an hour in the morning? Who would do such a thing?

Her mother would. Of course she would. She should have seen it. It's been always her mother cutting her off from doing what she wanted to do. Always interrupting sexual activities without any intention. Her phone was clutched in her hand, Sara resumed her finger movement on her clit. The circling became quicker. "Fuck." She breathed sharply. "I have to get this. Stop for a bit."

Sara did not stop. "Who is it?" Her lips touched Tegan's neck once again after asking the question.

"My mom." Tegan whispered as she put the phone to her ear. She pushed Sara's head away from her, but Sara did not concede, she continued with her actions. "Hello?" Tegan cleared her throat, not wanting her mother to suspect that she was receiving what she craved the most while on the phone with her. Sara's tongue drew a map on her neck and upper chest.

"Morning, Tegan." And there was her mother's ever so optimistic voice, rarely came in a sad or an uninterested tone. Unlike herself. "Did I wake you up, sweetie?" Sonia asked. She inhaled and shuddered at the increasing pressure between her legs.

"Hey mom." She bit her lower lip while her lover's lips wrapped around her tender skin. "Kinda..uh..." She whimpered. "Ya."

"I am really sorry." Sonia said no more and at the very wrong time, Tegan escaped a moan. Her hand flew to her mouth right away. Sara calmly giggled. The pleasure was getting unbearable, she required more. "Tegan?" Her mother's tone changed, curious but still positive nonetheless. "Are you seeing someone lately?" That damned Friday morning. She should have chosen the other option of getting up and getting ready for university.

She wished she was able to answer. Her voice would give more suspicions to her mother. Sara wouldn't stop, not that she was making an effort in asking her to do so. "Uh..no." She abused her lip with the biting.

"Are you sure, sweetie?" She hated the way her mother did her investigation. She always found her way to crack Tegan's crystal ball and hop inside. "You've been quite distant lately. You don't tell me much. It's okay. Tell me about who you're seeing. It's a girl, right?"

Perhaps she could lie. But what if she couldn't lie well? Sara must stop. She was very close, however. "Tegan?" Sonia called again. Her lover looked her in the eye.

She huffed and winced, she wasn't able to voice her words. "Is this not a good time?" Sonia asked.

She pushed Sara's hands off, perhaps with roughness that caught the older woman by surprise. "Mom, no. Sorry. I just woke up. I'm kinda not fully conscious, you know."

Sara had a frown on her face and so she gave her an apologetic smile. "So you don't want to tell me who you're with right now? That's fine. Just tell her hi for me. It's a her right? At least tell me if it is a her or a him."

She sighed, mostly to herself. How did her mother always find out about what she'd been up to? "Mom, there's no one." She lied again.

"I am a bit too old to buy such lies, Tegan. Especially from you. If you lied well maybe I'd believe them. But I know someone is right there with you right now. I'm just really surprised that you don't want to tell me about it."

"Mom." She whined.

"It's alright. Just be safe. It's all I'm asking."

"I'm not young mom." Through gritted teeth, she said.

"I know." Silence. "But your actions sometimes indicate otherwise." Her mother's tone had been altered. It seemed disappointed, perhaps a bit pessimistic. "Anyway, have a good day, Tegan." More silence. "Love you, sweetie."

"Love you too." It was a whisper and it could have been unheard since her mother ended the call right away. She rose out of bed, leaving Sara there, confounded and confused. "She knows." She simply said.

"That we're..." Sara didn't finish.

"She knows I'm with someone right now. Fuck. She's probably gonna visit just to make sure I'm not dating Satan or something. She's so fucking overprotective. It's so fucking...ahhh." She let out a scream.

Sara nodded, it was her thinking face. "You know, Tegan," She said. "I truly think the sole issue lies within your mother and not within you. I think it is her fault that, you know..." She didn't continue again.

"I know." Tegan chuckled. "I'm dependent and stupid and immature, and always comparing you to her and very sensitive whenever you say something. I know."

"I think it's a good thing that you live here. Your mother may be a loving woman, but she is rather controlling. It is out of love, I realize that. But you cannot grow and be an individual unless you slowly let go and prove to her you can depend on yourself."

"Ya." Yes, Sara was definitely accurate. And Tegan did realize that. But she hadn't ever found the way to do so. Her mother had always ended up to be her rescuer when she would mess up. Why couldn't she be the rescuer to her own chaos? Why couldn't she be the one cleaning the mess she made? Why did it always have to be her mother, her friends, her lover? Why couldn't she be the individual Sara was? Was it a personality matter? Was it something inherited? What was it?

She really didn't want to wreck the day Sara was looking forward to. She didn't want to let any words her running mind had come up with to tease her into depression and darkness of thoughts. So with a shower she scraped off the remnants of self-doubt and self-pity she had encountered in the morning. She cleaned off the dust and decided with a brighter angle she shall look at that day. It was just starting anyway. Why should she carry herself into grief the way she always did? Sara didn't deserve to witness another episode of that.

Her day at university, despite it being boring, it still remained better than many days she had. Classes passed smoothly. Her friends were there and she joined them. Nothing very extreme, nothing special. Just a day at university. On her part, Tegan wasn't very delighted with the idea that Stacy's going to visit. Certainly, she had no saying against that. She was hoping the meeting wouldn't carry the hints of awkwardness and it wouldn't make her feel left out while joining two women in their thirties. Sara had informed her that she told her best friend about them being together. What if Stacy didn't like her? Why should she care? She didn't want to, but that tiny part inside of her did care about the opinion of Sara's best friend slash the woman she had slept with in abundance.

Sara asked her to tidy the place since she didn't have time to do so. She returned home before her lover and started with the living room. Removing Sara's robe from the sofa back to the room. Taking that half full cup of coffee to the sink. Putting the book Sara had been reading on the coffee table. She continued with washing the dishes and sorting the misaligned. Moving to the room, discarding the sheets off the bed and replacing them with new ones. Doing the exact same with the pillowcases. Someone else would be using their room, Sara's room. She made sure to remove any embarrassing items randomly lying down on the floor. Usually, those were her clothes which were in different nooks inside Sara's room. But that day it was different. The room was in a terrible mess. Sara really did not have much time to do anything. Sara's undergarments were on the floor. She carried them to the bathroom and put them in the hamper. She removed the towel from the chair facing Sara's desk and almost tripped on the older woman's deodorant near the foot of her bed. She let out a giggle, knowing that her girlfriend did that part each and everyday, most probably tripping on her items or shaking her head at how untidy she was. That day she was doing what her girlfriend did each day and surprisingly, she enjoyed doing it. It gave her the assuring feeling that she and her lover actually did share a home, and for the first time ever, she felt that she was a part of Sara's life.

When Sara returned back she was running around her small place, almost having a panic attack. "Holy shit, holy shit." She said as soon as she entered through the door. "Stacy will be here in like three hours and there's no..." Sara stopped her panicky chatter and looked all around her. "Oh my God, you tidied the place up." Her hand took a place on her chest. She let out a relieved sigh. "Fuck, I thought I'd come back and find it a mess because I left it a mess."

"Didn't you tell me to do so?" Tegan smiled while on her place on the couch.

Sara sighed again and walked to the kitchen. "Ya, ya I forgot I did. Gosh, so much on my head. Why am I so nervous? I'm not like that usually."

Tegan stood up from her place and looked at her girlfriend starting to continue her work on the meals she was supposed to prepare. "Ya, kinda weird. Isn't she like your best friend? Why are you so..." She pointed at Sara.

"I don't know. I'm just nervous. Like you guys will meet. I told you, I'm not usually like that. I mean it's Stacy. But ya." A shadow of a wrinkle appeared in her rosy cheeks as she smiled.

"You're even talking like me." The younger woman giggled. "Let me help you." She offered.

"Ya. I mean everything is ready. I just need to heat it and prepare the sauce for the chicken breasts." Sara began to unzip her parka as she spoke. "I want you to chop the mushrooms and I'll make the sauce, okay?" She walked to the closet beside the door and put it inside.

They shared a small talk and worked together in the kitchen. Tegan watched as her professor endeavored to perfect her handiwork. Tasting what she prepared and adding more or leaving it the way it was. While she was rather slow in chopping, Sara was extremely fast. Sara was trying her best to make them have a wonderful dinner, she was indeed looking forward to her friend's visit. If it was her, she wouldn't even cook anything. She'd order pizza. She and Emy would lie on the couch and would watch a movie. Her place would as well remain the same mess it is. It was her best friend after all, she should be used to that. But Sara wanted everything in place. Perhaps because not many visited her place. Or it could be that it was who Sara was, she just wanted things to go as smoothly and as neat as possible.

"It's kinda weird, you know." She commenced. "You're cooking two meals and we're only four people. That's if you'd count Ella. You said she's two, right? She doesn't eat normal food still, right?" Tegan stood beside her partner as she stirred what's inside the pot.

"Spaghetti and meat balls are Stacy's favourite. And since you don't like red meat..." Sara raised an eyebrow. "nor balls..." Tegan slapped her arm, snorting. "I made chicken breasts with mushroom sauce." A smirk apparent on her glowing face. "As for Ella, Stacy gives her this really nasty baby food. It comes in weird colours and it tastes like shit. Seriously, it's really bad. It has vitamins and whatever, though. But if I had a child, I wouldn't give them that. It's really repulsive."

Tegan hummed. If Sara's fetus had survived, she would have been a little bit more than five years old now. She could be strolling around the place. If she and her were together. But there was a strong percent that they wouldn't be. Sara would still be with Jack. They would have their own family. Or Sara's love could be expired and they would be together, with Sara's child around the house. Tegan also wondered whether she and Sara would last long till the day she decides to carry a child. That would definitely make Sara happy, give her the opportunity to be a mother since she always wanted to be.

"Everything's ready. Perfect." Sara cheerfully announced. "I'll only have to heat everything when Stacy's here. Wow, that was quick. Thanks for helping, babe."

Tegan smiled. Her mouth watered at the aroma, she wanted to taste even if a tiny bit. The way the mushrooms swam in the thick beige sauce in the pan made her stomach growl in anger demanding to be fed. She reached for a piece, picking it with her fingers and hurriedly slipping it inside her mouth. "I didn't do a thing. You just panicked for no reason." It was only six. Did she have to wait till her majesty arrives so they could dine? She dipped her finger in the sauce again only to have her lover's eyes widening at her action.

Sara hastily slapped her hand off. "What are you doing? That's nasty. God knows where your fingers have been."

"I just washed my hands." She dipped the tip of her index and thumb to pick another piece of mushroom again. "I'm really hungry."

"Fuck, Tegan, no. Don't do that." Sara pushed her to the back. A groan slipped Tegan's mouth. "Stay away from this or I'll spank you with the spatula." Sara sportively warned. "Just eat some fruits or anything if you don't wanna be spanked."

"What is up with you and spanking?" Sara had used that word plenty of times if she wanted to threaten someone in a playful way. "Is it some kink of yours or something?" Tegan raised an eyebrow, her lips curling to the side, a wicked smile forming. She only wanted to tease but Sara's ears grew in colour as her lips curled in a bashful smile. She turned around facing the counter. "Holy fuck." Tegan mouthed, walking behind her. "You're blushing so fucking hard. Fuck. You like to get spanked? Fuck." She ran her hand through her hair. "That's fucking hot." Her other hand grabbed a fistful of Sara's bum, squeezing the flesh as her body squeezed her lover between herself and the counter.

"Tegan." A heaving breath left her lips. The flesh of her burning ears was still painted in that colour Tegan adored. It inflamed her and put her body on fire, it always did that. It turned on her libido and made her squirm. She became absentminded with her actions, not knowing she had slapped Sara on that same spot she had in her fist just seconds before until the older woman passed a scream and held the edge of the counter. She did it again only to witness the knuckles turning snowy white and the ears turning cranberry red. "Fuck." Her professor's cries were barely audible, blocked by the increasing breaths she was letting out of her lungs.

She palmed Sara's behind, stepping closer and diminishing any space between them. Soft kisses were planted on the exposed skin. One after another. Leaving the older woman sighing, defeated, and unable to protest. Her lips parted and took what they could from tensed flesh inside, wetting it and letting it go. "Tegan," Sara said once again. Her sultry tone could only mean one thing. "let's uh...uh..." She didn't say it. However, the student understood her request when it was displayed before her.

The professor swiftly, unlike her words, her hands hurried removing her trousers and underwear in one movement, leaving her bare bum exposed to her lover's eyes. Tegan gave another slap, a playful one, very light. She watched as the spongy meat jiggled, making her release a hushed giggle within herself. "You want me to spank you?" She did it once again and her lover groaned. "Is this like another porn you've seen?" One other smack. "Does every porn you watch have some nasty action involving the kitchen counter?" She was enjoying dominance over her much older squirming lover. She spanked her again.

"Shut the fuck up and just do me." Sara growled, leaning on that indecent counter, giving her student the full view of her cunt from behind. Puffed lips and dripping folds, she just wanted to take a dip inside. She held both of her legs and Sara spread them in return, providing more of the magnificent view to Tegan. "Come on." Her low voice took Tegan to the edge.

She knelt down to face Sara's ass and spread legs. One hand supported the woman by holding her hip and one began to massage the swollen wet lips, earning a sharper intake of breaths from Sara. Her fingers toyed with the hair covering her outer lips at first, moving her index all over the area reaching her engorged button, pressing on it for some time and returning to where she had begun. Her lips touched one ass cheek where her hand was, she pecked it causing the woman to shudder and shake. With two digits she traced through the ocean between Sara's slit. Her lover was exceedingly wet, she could frankly promise that Sara hadn't been this soaked ever.

With her drenched digits she massaged up and down, from her entrance to her clit, circling it everytime she came in contact with it. Sara began to form stifled sounds, probably obstructed by her teeth abusing her lip. She could keep her actions that way and drive her lover mad or she could give her what she's dying to get. It was all in her will and in her control to do what she desired. She bit on exactly the same spot she had just pecked and a throaty scream met her ears. She took her chance and pushed these two digits inside only to let the scream be repeated in the small apartment. Their neighbors must despise them. And Sara must have felt it too since her hand flew to her mouth covering her shame as if it was going to be erased by such a move.

Silently, Tegan rejoiced the submissiveness her lover was showing, she smiled as her two fingers pushed in and out slowly but with heavy strokes on Sara's walls. She spread her fingers as she went inside and closed them together again as quickly as possible, making her lover gasp and wheeze for a proper intake of air. Her other hand spanked her lover as her fingers quickened their pace. Sara's strangled moans made her seem as if she was crying. She desperately wanted to see her face as she came, look her in the eye, watch her golden spheres darken in colour, watch her lips part and see her jaw clench. She paused her action and her lover groaned.

But before Sara opened her mouth she managed to turn her around after slipping out of her. Sara was a sweaty, shaky mess. Her hair sticking upon her brow and her eyes hooded with tired lids. They shared a brief eye contact with the mist of an awful silence. It didn't seem as a terrible silence, however. It only felt affectionate and meek. Sara's aroma was highly spread in the small space. It was very strong and God, it was intoxicating. Tegan pulled her head towards it, the more it flew to her nose, the more it dragged her closer to Sara's pussy.

And God, she had never seen Sara with that amount of pubic hair before. She had allowed it to grow in the past week covering her mound and making her seem as someone other than Sara. It was amusing how they were exchanging some habits. She began to shave more while Sara began to grow her hair. She began to tidy and pick the clothes off the ground while Sara threw them there and left her things lying in different corners around the place. It was that sense of being comfortable around each other, becoming used with one another. She's glad they had reached this point in their relationship that early.

She held both of her thighs and spread them apart, pushing her face between them, inhaling Sara's erotic scent, the tips of her hair lost between Sara's wetness and her pubic hair. She would definitely need a shower after that if she should greet the woman looking decent. They both actually needed one. "You know how you love to bury your face in my tits?" Rhetorically, she asked. Her eyes meeting Sara's lustful ones once again. "I fucking love burying my face between your thighs. You smell like heaven." One peck on Sara's clit. "And taste sweeter than anything sweet you've ever cooked. God, you're so fucking tasty." She couldn't believe such words were leaving her lips. Sara brought the devil within her, torched a blaze inside, brought the sinful sinews back to life. She guided them and caused a revolution of dirty remarks to range inside Tegan's heart.

And Sara only whimpered and whimpered as if she had lost her ability of speech. No witty comments, nothing to say, nothing to utter, just a pained sound an aroused woman would deliver. With that, Tegan proceeded with her action, only adding more. With her two digits smoothly back inside from behind, she wrapped her lips around that throbbing button, sucking it inside as her eyes never left her lovers. Lewd looks were exchanged. Maddeningly naughty in their nature as one pupil looked at the other. The pumping and the sucking with the now and then licks to that same place were threatening Sara's eyes to close, but for some reason she allowed them to stay open and look into her lover's eyes. No bashful cherry colours tainted their faces. If flushed, only due to the heat and rush of what they were doing.

As she had a hand with a gripe on Sara's ass, one working on her cunt, and her mouth giving help, Sara's walls spasmed and tightened around her fingers, gradually. Sara's hips moved back and forth, increasing the friction by humping Tegan's face. She wanted the feeling to last and so she paused. Sara moaned. She resumed. The convulsion returned, and she stopped. Sara moaned louder. She resumed. The third time when the convulsion occurred she wasn't able to pause because Sara came right away.

Walls slowly returned to their natural state, her fingers slowly becoming free. Fluid rushed out of her entrance and gladly, her mouth was ready to take all of it in, and so Tegan did. She licked and lapped Sara's juices as her hair was in its own grip in Sara's fist. She hadn't realized how badly her scalp ached until she was done with cleaning Sara, and Sara was no more pulling at her hair.

"Jesus." Sara reached for her pants and underwear, pulling them up, wincing as she did so. She hoped she hadn't hurt Sara. "Where did you learn all that?" Sara asked.

Now the effect was gone, her cheeks began to gain their usual sheepishness. "I got skills." With a grin, she stood up.

"You didn't watch this in porn, did you?" Sara's eyes squinted.

She frowned. "Why is it so hard to believe that I can give you a mind-blowing orgasm without learning how to do so?"

"Oh, God. I didn't mean to. You always give me mind-blowing orgasms. I meant the choice of words, and the, you know, how you...you know. It was different. You didn't retreat." Sara's words weren't flowing as freely as they always did, she was deeply sheepish.

And she kissed Tegan. Out of the blue, she locked their lips together and with sudden passion and affection she had done it. "I never thought I'd feel such strong feelings towards someone. It's scaring me. You're you, and the way you make me feel is scaring me."

"Why is that?" Sara's head laid on her shoulder, Sara's words tickled her insides. "Why does it scare you?"

"Because I never thought out of all people you'll be the one making me feel that way." She was not sure if she should take that as a compliment or not. What did Sara mean? She simply couldn't reach a proper understanding when it came to Sara's words. The woman sometimes became emotional and when she did, Tegan could hardly decipher her words or comprehend what they meant. "Gosh, see," Sara laughed as she looked back into her student's eyes. "this is what sex does to me. I get fucking emotional after an orgasm." She laughed once again. "I think we should umm, shower. We're both a mess."

"Ya. I don't think that's the proper way to meet your friend." She looked at her hand, still damp and full of the evidence of touching Sara. Sara's words were still playing hide and seek in the back of her mind. She didn't want to give much thought to them, but somehow they lingered there, marking their territory.

Sara took her to the airport even though she hesitated whether to go along or not. Sara said that Stacy is a sweetheart and that she shouldn't be perplexed about the situation of meeting her. She told her that the woman might seem a tad rude with some comments but that's how her friend was. They went to the airport and waited until the very tall woman carrying an also tall child in her arms was walking to them. The woman had dark brown hair stopping at her shoulders. Tegan didn't realize it was the promised Stacy until her partner's eyes lit up immediately, fed with a sparkle she had never seen in them before. Sara stood up and beamed brightly at the smiling woman walking towards them, pulling a black suitcase with her other hand.

She hadn't asked Sara to show her how her friend looked like. She hadn't imagined Stacy to look like that. She had imagined her to be very blonde, as short as Sara, and slightly chubby. But Sara's friend looked like a fucking model, and Tegan, goddamn she felt jealousy mocking her troubled confidence. The little girl Stacy was carrying seemed to look older than her age, she was rather tall. Her hair was a copy of her mother's. They as well shared the exact eye colour. As the mother was smiling the closer she approached them, the daughter had one of these scowls Tegan usually had on her face. Very unamused by what's around her.

"Stace." Tegan heard the glimmer in Sara's lisp. She watched as she met her friend before she could reach them, hugging her the way these men in the army would hug their wives before an undestined departure. Tegan stood and watched. Stacy's arm wrapped around her, leaving her suitcase behind. The child squeezed between them let out a cry, bothered by the sudden embrace.

She heard the squealing and the laughter exchanged by the two women. They were only inches away from her standing form. Sara was trying to grasp Ella's attention but the little girl wasn't allowing her to do so, distancing her face each time Sara smiled at her or kisses her cheek. Burying her head in her mother's chest. "Sara, she doesn't know you. She was an infant when I visited last. She doesn't remember you." Stacy's voice carried a very attractive rasp, and that, Tegan had never thought of. She thought the woman would have a high tone, a girly one. But what she heard had taken her by surprise. And with all honesty, she could not blame Sara if she felt attracted to her.

"Awww, that's not fair." Sara faked a frown at the child. "I thought we were friends." She had altered her tone to match a kid's one. Ella stuck out her tongue at the woman in response and both women, including Tegan in the back, chortled in return. "Well aren't you a little diva? Just like your mummy." Sara tapped her nose, but the child pushed Sara's finger off of her.

"Is that..." Stacy pointed at her. She found the attention finally taking a turn from Ella to her brick-like form. Sara smiled at her, nodding without averting her gaze.

Stacy and Sara walked to lip-biting, nervous Tegan. Stacy let go of Ella, leaving her standing on her own. Her small arms wrapped around her mother's leg, fearing that her mother would leave her alone in that eerie place with those strange people. "Stacy, this is Tegan. Tegan, Stacy." Tegan had never thought she'd see the day Sara's smile would be that big. Her gums appeared, her crooked teeth appeared, her cherry cheeks wrinkled in different shaped lines.

Tegan smiled, but it was nothing like Sara's. Neither Stacy's smile was like Sara's. They exchanged an awkward welcome. Hushed voices on her part as the woman surveyed her body from head to toe. "Typical Sara." Stacy cackled. "Exactly your type in women. The piercing, the dark hair. It's like I'm looking at Katina. A very..." Stacy examined again, sucking the drops of confidence out of Tegan. "attractive Katina."

Sara's smile slowly faded. Replaced by a small shy smile. "She's nothing like Katina, though."

"She better not be." Stacy gave a warning smile. "Or I'll..."

"Don't scare her." Sara raised her voice at her friend. "She's just joking, Tegan. She's just protective over me." Stacy reminded her of her own best friend. She wondered if Stacy ever had feelings for Sara the way Emy held feelings for her.

Tegan felt light tugging on her jeans, she looked down only to find little Ella smiling at her. Most of her teeth were still missing. She couldn't resist not to smile. "She likes you." She heard that raspy octave once again. "She wants you to pick her up." She looked up and found both women smiling.

"Well since grumpy Ella approves, you have no reason not to." Sara gave _Tegan's special wink_ to Stacy.

"My daughter is not grumpy. She just hates you." Tegan picked the small child. She was very light. Tegan recalled carrying her cousin around at fifteen. Her cousin also liked her. She was the only one in the family he liked to be near when he was an infant. Her cousin wasn't as light as Ella.

They headed back to Sara's. The ride was a bit too long. The airport was an hour away from Sara's place. Stacy sat beside Sara and she sat in the back. Ella sat beside her, very closely, restricting her from moving in order to get comfortable. She heard Stacy's and Sara's unstoppable chatter. They were catching up in the car and she had heard everything. It appeared that Stacy was only visiting because she was trying to teach her husband a lesson. From what Tegan could grasp, he apparently had been a little bit too flirty with his secretary. She hoped the case wouldn't complicate and Stacy wouldn't stay for too long at Sara's place.

Stacy asked Sara about her health. Sara didn't seem comfortable speaking about it. She asked her if she's going to the doctors and Sara said she wasn't doing so. Stacy rebuked the professor. Tegan listened as she scolded her about not going to the doctors. She told her how isn't healthy what she was doing, how she should get a check up at least each month to make sure nothing bad was going on. Sara wasn't responding. She kept quiet as her friend talked and talked. Ella's head was on Tegan's lap. The little girl must had gotten dizzy with her mother's words and fell asleep.

Stacy and Sara stood in the small space in the kitchen to prepare dinner. Stacy asked Tegan to watch for Ella. "Just make sure she doesn't touch anything breakable. She broke my mother's crystal vase and Tony's watch the other day." Tony was Ella's father.

Tegan sat on the couch as the child walked around the coffee table several times, searching for anything she could toy with in Sara's living room. There was nothing to catch a toddler's eye.

"You know Sara," She heard the very chatty woman begin to speak again. Her eyes were on Ella but her ears were focused on what the two women were saying. She really did feel out of place. "I think you should really get a bigger place. You and Tegan are living together, right?" Tegan silently agreed with Stacy's comment.

"Ya. This one is more than enough for us." Tegan didn't agree. She wanted another bathroom. One outside the room.

Ella stood where Tegan's knees were. She smiled warmly at her, Tegan smiled in return as Ella demanded to be picked up. Her arms raised. Tegan put her hand beneath her armpits and picked her up, placing her on her lap. Ella was a very quiet girl, very unlike her mother. While Stacy didn't shut up the whole ride home, Ella didn't utter one single word. She wondered if the kid was able to speak. Her cousin only uttered few mispronounced words her age, but Ella didn't even say anything. "You should see your cousin Audrey." Stacy continued. Sara had never spoken about any of her cousins. "The new mansion she's bragging about wherever she goes. She's a headache." Ella moved on her lap. Her tiny hands reached for Tegan's hair, pulling slightly at it.

"Thank God I'm not around. That woman is a fucking pain." Tegan squirmed slightly, trying to get her hair away from Ella's grip.

"Sara," Stacy said. "don't curse."

"Sorry. She's just." Sara trailed off. The tip of Ella's tongue stood past her lips as she tugged more. Tegan let out a hushed whimper. "Her ego is bigger than her tits." Sara didn't care that a child was around. "And her tits are fucking big."

"This is why you're the only one I like from your family." Stacy declared. "And please stop cussing, my kid is in here. Is she giving you a hard time, Tegan?" Tegan turned her head watching as Stacy arranged the plates on the wooden table. Stacy faked a gasp, tsking at her daughter. "What a naughty girl you are." She shook her head. "Leave Tegan alone." Ella, finally after what it seemed like forever, let out a sound. She giggled at her mother, tugging more at Tegan's hair. Bringing the student's head down with her. Tegan whimpered in pain. Her scalp had been put through enough already that day. "Come here. You're gonna make the girl go bold and then auntie Sara will kick us out." Stacy reached for her daughter picking her up.

As Tegan touched the abused locks, she looked up to find Ella with her tongue out in mockery at Tegan. Even though the child was a little devil, she made Tegan erupt in laughter. "Well at least my clown child is making someone laugh. She usually makes people irritated. Sara, this girl's a keeper."

Sara sent a smile her way as she placed the last item on the dinning table. "Oh, so now you approve." Sara shook her head jokingly. "Come on everyone, let's eat. Come on, Tegan."

Sara's friend asked to retire a bit early. She said she and her daughter were exhausted because of the long day they've had. Tegan could hardly buy that. Stacy hadn't stopped speaking since she had landed a foot in Montreal. Sara only spoke a few words and she, much like Stacy's kid, said nothing at all. It was only ten and Sara said she'd sleep as well. Tegan was left on the silent sofa after changing her clothes in the bathroom and grabbing what she needed. Stacy apologized for taking her place on the bed. Tegan said it was not a problem. But really, she didn't want to sleep on that stupid, back-breaking couch once again. Not when her partner was sleeping beside her obnoxiously talkative friend.

She made sure Sara wouldn't be half naked when she left the bathroom. She made sure the woman wouldn't be in sexy nightgowns or skimpy shorts with transparent tanktops. And thank the heavens, Sara was decently dressed, as well as her best friend.

Not much through shifting to find a proper position on the couch when her lover decided to join her in the crazily cramped space. The lights were off, so when Sara removed the blanket, the younger woman jumped. Only when her girlfriend giggled her usual girly tune, she realized who it was, grinning and giving the woman the space she needed. "What are you doing here?" She whispered. The space was very small. It couldn't fit the two of them.

"I can't sleep in there. It feels weird. I wanna stay here with you." Sara whispered back. Eventually, they ended up in another disturbing position. She was on top of Sara, and the blanket was above their bodies. She could feel Sara's ribs and heaving chest as her head rested on it. Even Sara's hipbones poked her sides. She wondered if Sara could feel her breasts or her own hipbones. "You were really quiet today." Sara remarked. "You didn't like her?"

She looked up, Sara's eyes weren't closed. "No. She's fine."

"But?" She hoped Sara's friend wasn't able to hear them chatting.

"She's nothing like you. I mean she really talks a lot."

"I know." A phantom of a chuckle escaped Sara's lips. "She's a really good person, though. She helped me a lot. She cares about me."

"I care about you too." She bit her lip as soon as the words were out. She shouldn't have. Her smirking jealousy betrayed her.

"I know that." Sara pecked her head, massaging her sore scalp from the different kinds of pulling and tugging. "I know you care about me."

She and Sara lay there for quite some time. No sleep touched both pairs of eyes. Her lover's hand didn't stop its restful action. It could be their position, it could be cramping Sara's back. She's lucky she's lying on Sara's form, hearing Sara's breaths. She wondered if she was too heavy, Sara was never heavy when she left her body on top of hers.

She wondered if Stacy and Ella were fast asleep, leaving the owner of the place and her partner wide awake. She wondered if they were ever getting some sleep. Usually orgasms made her feel sleepy. They would sooth her body and take the worry and the the midnight thoughts out of her mind. Orgasms were great. They made her body relax in venerable brilliancy. They numbed the troubles and they lit the tingles in her most sensitive parts. Her clit felt like the only thing she had in her body at that moment. She could feel it, swollen from lack of touching and greatness of arousal. She had spent the rest of the day crossing her legs together. As tightly as possible. When they were in the car, her legs were crossed, seeking any sort of friction. She wished Stacy wasn't there and Sara would get her off. When they were having dinner, her thighs were squeezed till they ached. She shifted on the chair, any kind of friction on her clit would do. She asked herself whether her slight hip thrust on the chair was brought to attention, but she was glad because nobody had seen it.

And now Sara's pelvis was touching her clothed clit and that friction she sought for was finally there, cupping her mound gently. She spread her legs to allow more touching to happen. Sara didn't seem to notice at first, but then she felt it, a thrust that she desperately required. Air escaped her lips as she pushed back meeting Sara's moving pelvis midway. She looked up at Sara, whose eyes were wide open and hand still on her head. Sara smiled at her, weakly. The soporific drug of her eyes shone in grey darkness, twinkling. "I'm done with my period."

Her professor's lips curled and a small voice left them, a drowsy chuckle. "I know. We showered together. Kinda noticed." It was a very quick shower they had after their lecherous deed in the kitchen.

"Ya. I just wanted to make sure it's off that's why I didn't let you touch me in the morning. My periods are fucked up. Sometimes I get them for seven days, sometimes only five. One time it stayed for ten fucking days."

"That's very normal at your age."

"Yes. Mom said so too." She lifted her body a bit, smiling bigger. She took Sara's hand, the one which was above her head. "Can you get me off?" This whisper was the lowest one in all her susurrations.

"Right now?" Sara's brow wrinkled. She nodded, biting her lower lip, a habit of Sara's. "Tegan, uhh..." Her girlfriend hesitated. "You're kinda...pretty loud...when we have sex. I'm not sure it's a good idea." So Sara had noticed her loud cries, it wasn't only Emy and herself who did so.

The dimness blocked the reddening cheeks. "I'll be quiet. I promise. It really...my clit is like seriously throbbing, I just want you to rub it. like seriously, I won't be able to sleep with it...being so fucking annoying." Sara giggled a bit louder this time.

"I'm actually really impressed with you lasting a whole week without any friction down there. You have some self control." Sara's hand crawled to where she wanted them the most. Slowly slipping beneath her sweatpants. "Try not to make any sound. You don't want Stacy with her slumber hair storming in the room and catching us. You'll be frightened for the rest of your life, trust me." She pushed past her underwear, brushed the soft curls and stopped where her aching nerves were. Tegan bucked her hips at the sudden relief. "One time when we were sixteen," Sara brushed on the slick wetness covering her button. "We watched a horror movie. I'm not really good when it comes to those." Sara's index was circling the button very slowly, Tegan's head was buried in her lover's chest, lips bitten and breaths rising. "The woman in the movie was in a white gown and had messy hair and she was a ghost." Sara increased the pressure, Tegan listened to her story but tried to focus on the sensation. "No wait, she was the one haunted by a ghost? I don't remember." Sara pushed another finger inside, it joined its sibling, working on her bundle of nerves. "Anyway, I woke up really scared and I almost wet my pants. And then Stacy woke up. She had white pajamas and her hair was so fucking messy, and like it was everywhere and I thought it was the woman from the film..." Sara paused her story. Two fingers going in ultimate speed as Tegan tried all her best not to release any sound. "I ended up wetting my pants and hitting Stacy with the pillow to let the evil out." She lifted her head and looked at Sara with wide eyes. "It was really embarrassing. I cried for like a whole week after it because I woke my parents up and even Stacy's parents knew about it. My mum took the television out of my room after that. It made me feel as if I was a child." Sara's whole hand was inside. Her mound was cupped as she pooled on Sara's palm, slightly thrusting her hip to get more of the feeling. "Do you want me to finger you?"

"Ya." She wasn't resting on Sara anymore, her legs were on each side of Sara, and her body was raised. Her knees on the couch and her hands behind Sara's head. In a way she was on all fours, with Sara under. Two fingers were pushed in her with ease, Sara's middle and ring finger, since Sara's index flicked her clit while the other two pumped inside her in a steady motion. She let out a puff of air as her hips started to go up and down to meet Sara's fingers. She wanted to scream.

"Is this good? Do you want more?" Sara could tell she wanted to feel more. She wanted to be more filled and she wanted anything, just any pressure on her clit. God, that part of her, it wouldn't calm down.

She nodded, huffing more as a groan left her lips against her will. Her hips arose then fell again, it took her several minutes to realize that Sara's fingers weren't moving, but she was the one moving, riding the digits as they stroked what's inside. "Remember that toy you once put on my clit? The one with the ring?" Sara smiled and nodded. "It would be so fucking useful right now. Or you mouth. Just anything right there."

"I don't have it in here. It's in my closet." She could smell herself now. The scent's captured inside the blanket. So damn strong and it made her dizzy. She began to quicken her thrusts on Sara's fingers.

"Do you have more toys?" Finally, she could ask. Her curiosity had been drumming inside of her lately. Sara pinched her clit with her index and thumb. It was a very terrible idea because Tegan moaned one of her usual guttural moans. Sara's other hand flew to her mouth right away.

"Shhh. You were good. Control it." She bit on Sara's palm, just slightly, letting a whimper escape her. The sensation became insufferable. "And no, I don't. I mean not anymore. I haven't gotten anything when I came here. I bought this one when I healed. Just wanted to try it. It wasn't too much so it did it for me." Her orgasm was finally building up, and despite it being very hot all around her, despite her sweating body, despite it all, she could feel the tension wearing off, she could feel the post orgasm effect arriving, numbing her body and relaxing her system. "You know, you thrusting like that, it's really fucking hot. I'm only imagining how you'd do it wearing a strap on, fucking me with it. That would be nice." Sara's words were even more helping. Sara wanted her to fuck her that way and she began to imagine doing just that. The couch beneath them started to shake and move. She rode Sara's digits, her hips moving up and down quickly as she looked Sara straight in the eye. She wished she was doing what Sara and her were fantasizing about. "Or I could wear one and you'd sit on me and ride it just like that. That would be really fucking hot. Your tits would sway and I would push my face in them. Ya...do you wanna do that?"

Sara's hand didn't muffle the noises anymore. "Ya, ya." She cringed upon hearing her own voice. She sounded like these girls in porn. The way their fake shouts would scratch her ears. "Fuck, Sara. Fuck." She shouted once again only to have Sara's palm pressed on her lips, muffling the long moan leaving her as she rode her orgasm. Her aching hips slowed down by the second. She felt her fluid leaving her hole, drenching her underwear. When Sara's hand was out of her she felt very lightheaded and very bothered with her clothes. Her underwear stuck between her lips, prolonging that glamourous feeling her clit had just experienced. Her sweatpants most certainly had a wet spot. They were light grey and if she would stand up she would definitely see it. What if she woke up in the morning and the spot wasn't gone? That would be very embarrassing. She would cry the way Sara did when she wet her pants as a sixteen year old.

"My hand smells like pussy." Sara sniffed the guilty hand for the second time, then sniffed all around her. Tegan's body was again on top of hers, her head on her chest and eyes looking up at Sara. She began to doze off. "Actually, the whole place smells like pussy." Sara giggled. "I better get up and wash before Stacy wakes up tomorrow. Open the windows, let the scent out. Though, I'm pretty sure she's up right now because of your screams." She allowed Sara blabbering. Her eyes closing and opening. "You know, I've always thought I'm a screamer. Because I scream when I come. Jack used to make fun of it. But God, you." If she had the energy to respond, she'd elbow Sara or slap her arm. She'd pout and protest. "Yours are something else. But I really like them. It makes me feel good about myself. Like I am doing something really good and your're really enjoying it." Whenever her mind would rest and finally surrender, Sara would say something. She wanted to tell Sara to shut up, but even her words felt too heavy. Sara was celebrating her ego, she let her be. "Tegan?" She didn't respond. "Are you asleep?" She wasn't yet, but she wanted Sara to think she was, just so she could stop talking. "I guess you are." Not yet. But when Sara pecked her head, her mind finally gave up on her and she finally slept.


	25. A Promise

**Chapter 25: A Promise. **

**May 3rd, 2043**

One day you wake up and you have everything you wished for right beside you. Whether it is that toy you begged your parents to get you for Christmas when you were seven. Whether it is your own family who you cannot live without no matter how hard you try to depart. It could be your partner who you love more than you have ever thought love could be obtained in that homeless heart of yours. Or it is your child. When you hold them for the first time and they look at you. Without knowledge, they know you are their mother. Or in my case it was that flaming-eyed woman whose smile felt like a needle and a thread stitching the tiny holes inside my heart by using bits and pieces of her own heart, leaving it wounded while making mine whole. You wake up and you realize that all you ever wanted is right here, right there beside you.

And then you promise yourself. You and your mind make a commitment that you will never ever hurt that woman at all. You will never leave her out for the wolves. You will stitch back the pieces if she ever needed aiding. You will give her your own smile to let her know that everything is alright even when you are drowning in a tank of misery. You promise that you will never hurt her the way her past lovers did. You promise you won't do that one thing. _Especially_ that one thing that they did. You give your mind your word. You will never do what they did.

But then you do exactly what they have done. You break your promise. You wound her bruised heart. And it can not carry on for you anymore. She walks away and you spend your whole life blaming your selfish soul for following the devil's orders and not holding onto the rope she was holding on.

**...**

The clock on the wall never ceased its ticking and Sara's heart drummed along. The thunder and the rain trickling on the window joined the harmony. Tegan heard it all through the night. Right on top of Sara. Right on top of that couch they were sleeping on. Sara did not sleep all through the night. She told her that she only slept for one whole hour. Tegan slept for three in addition to that one. Sara surrendered at the end and she left her lover on the couch by herself.

"Try to get some more sleep. I don't think I can sleep at all. I'll make coffee and read something." It was still dark when Sara said so. The only light shining in the room was from the moon and its friend the lightning. They joined the vocal harmony adding their visual sense.

Tegan held the blanket tightly. Her feet were very cold. Her head ached. Her bladder complained. "I really need to pee." She whispered when Sara sat on the couch beside hers. She heard Sara take a sip of the steaming liquid inside her mug.

"If you can't hold it in, sneak in there and go pee." The aroma filled her nostrils when Sara took another sip. She wanted to sit with Sara and drink coffee with her. And chat more with Sara. Why did orgasms make her want to pee? They made her fall asleep and they made her need to urinate increase.

"I'm too cold to leave." She yawned. Sara took another sip. Sara continued making a noise with her mouth whenever she sipped. It usually irritated Tegan when people did that. But It didn't really bother her now when Sara was doing it. It was relaxing in fact. "And I'm too tired."

She looked at her lover for a while. Her eyes roamed over her features. The faint lines above her brow whenever she focused on something in her book. The irises in her eyes moving from left to right, reading the thin lines. How did her lover read in such dimness? How did she read when she's so tired? She had bags underneath her eyes. They were red as well, a bit puffy. It's as if she's crying. She had never seen Sara crying. Would she look like that while crying?

Whenever the light from the sky appeared, Sara's eyes glittered. Her lightning eyes accompanied the angry thunder. They were very tired. Tegan wondered why her lover's eyes appeared very tired. Something oddly soothing in them but terribly distressed if one could focus. Perhaps Sara was reading a sad chapter in that book. Maybe she related to it, maybe she was just exhausted from want of sleep. But Tegan wanted to hold her. She felt as the stronger one of them in that bittersweet atmosphere. She wanted to whisper in Sara's ears and ask her not to tear up. Was Sara tearing up? No, she's probably just imagining. She couldn't see well.

"Hey Sara..." She called.

Sara blinked and shifted on the couch. Yes, Sara had a tear rolling down on one cheek, but she blinked the other ones away. With a swift movement she wiped it and she sniffled. Tegan saw it. Sara took another sip. She smiled after that. "Yes, baby."

Tegan always loved when Sara called her that. Cold and distant people never called their lovers that but Sara did. Maybe she was not cold and distant. No, she wasn't. She joked after all.

Sara was smiling big. No teeth were showing but her smile was big. "You know how I am the thunder?" Sara nodded with a faint sound escaping her lips, very feminine and melodic. "You are the lightning." Sara's chuckle was more audible the second time.

Tegan wanted to ask her about her tears first but then she realized that Sara thought Tegan didn't see them. Tegan pretended that she didn't see them. "Yes. I am the thunder and you are the lightning." Tegan smiled, she showed her teeth.

"Alright, Thunder. I think you should try to get some sleep because you're starting to hallucinate." Her smile faded away. She merely wanted to make her lover smile with her corny statement, but Sara assumed she's saying nonsense. Maybe Sara is cold and distant. And mean. Maybe.

Tegan pretended to sleep or maybe she had slept. Only for a bit. She couldn't be sure. Because when she closed her eyes she's sure she shifted and turned and groaned while trying to find a comfortable spot on the uncomfortable couch. She felt herself running a fever, or it could be the cause of her exhaustion that she felt her body succumb to languishment. Her head achingly dizzy, she could barely absorb what's surrounding her when she opened her eyes once again.

The sun was shining when she opened her eyes once again. Maybe she did sleep. Sara was nowhere on that couch. She didn't make any sound. She closed her eyes again. Her eyes stung and her vision was blurry when she opened her eyes again. She despised that feeling, knowing exactly what it was.

She'd been eating well, watching her diet pretty well. Yes, she had neglected the iron supplements but that's only because she'd been able to take all the essential nutrients her body needed from her diet. Why was her head spinning? Why did she feel like vomiting? Why did she feel that a brick had been thrown all over her lying form? It could be the inconvenient sleeping arrangement, or it could be the lack of sleep.

She heard footsteps surrounding her but her weariness felt too heavy to question if it was Sara. She wondered what was the time. She wondered if Sara's friend and her daughter woke up. But the apartment was too quiet, anyway. Sara's friend must have been asleep.

Only a minute after her presumption she heard Sara's door open and close, very lightly. And at first she thought it was Sara going in, perhaps to go to the bathroom. She also still needed to go to the bathroom. But then she heard the deep octave of the tall lady greeting her lover. She heard the good mornings exchanged and she could feel the faint smile on both of their faces.

They both whispered. She heard Sara asking her friend if she wanted a cup of coffee and her friend said she wanted tea. Sara made her tea as Stacy asked if Sara had any sleep. Sara said she hadn't. Stacy apologized, but her apology was provided with a giggle. Unlike Sara's feminine one, Stacy's felt like Tegan's. Extremely raspy but high-pitched all at the same time.

"I am pretty sure I'm not the reason why you couldn't sleep." Stacy whispered, she giggled once again.

Tegan didn't hear a response from Sara. She'd assume her girlfriend had one eyebrow raised as she sipped from her coffee. No sound was made that time. "Jesus, Sara. You're girlfriend's one heck of a screamer." Her cheeks instantly burned as the beating of her heart increased upon hearing that Stacy had heard her pleasured cries the night before.

"Shhh. She's right here." Sara responded with a whisper.

"She's asleep, isn't she?"

"Yes." Sara said. "But she could wake up. Just tone it down."

"Honey, I don't think she'll wake up. I mean..." Stacy paused for only half a second. "Ya, fuck, Sara, fuck." She mocked her tone and Tegan could feel her face slowly going on fire. "That sounds like one tiring orgasm."

"Stop." Sara shushed her friend with a giggle.

"Seriously, how can you take that each time? At least you can mute porn. You can't even mute that." She frowned from her place on the couch. Her heart quickened its pace but her face grew pale at Sara's friend's words. Did she really sound that bad?

"Shut up. It's not that bad." Sara defended, but she was giggling while doing so. Sara didn't say it wasn't bad at all. She said it wasn't _that_ bad. Which meant it was bad. Just not to the extreme. "Don't talk like that about her. You know I hate it when you make fun of the people I date." Sara's second response came in a defensive octave. Tegan had to smile. "Plus, it's not like your Tony's any better." That last sentence was barely audible. Tegan was barely able to make up the words.

"Sara, Tony and I are married. You're dating a little girl."

"She's an adult." Sara hastily said. Tegan listened with a hammering heart and a bitten lip.

"She's a child and she's going to leave you once she's bored." Her lips parted at Stacy's comment. She would never do that. She'd never be bored of Sara.

"Why do you say that?" Her lover seemed hurt. Admittedly, it was a relief that she sounded upset with her friend's cruel remarks.

"I know you well. You always isolate yourself and hide inside your own cocoon in relationships and then your partners leave you. They can't handle you." She could handle Sara. Even if Sara was very hard to deal with, she would handle her.

"Stacy, it's different this time." She heard the other woman releasing a chuckle as Sara spoke. "It really is. I'm very sure of it. Now I'm happy. I really do love her. I love her so much."

Butterflies erupted inside her stomach and her smile widened across her lips. Her heart jolted with tumbling felicity. It was the first time she heard Sara explicitly declaring her love the way she did. Out in the open. She loves her, and Tegan loves Sara too. Sara loves her.

"Are you serious?" Stacy ridiculing Sara with her mocking tone pried the joy away from her heart as soon as it planted it. "You say that every time. You say the exact same words each time."

"No. This time it's real. This time I really do love her and I'm sure I won't push her away."

"Sara, you don't push people away. People are only stupid enough to desert you when you have a hard time. It's not your fault, you know that?" Stacy was only worried about her friend after all. But she needn't worry. Tegan would never desert Sara. She wished she'd prove that to Stacy. She'd never hurt Sara.

"Okay. Maybe Katina did that. But you know, I pushed Jack away."

"Jack cheated on you, Sara."

Silence.

She'd often seen such scenes in the movies. When a major detail is put out in the open in front of the person who's not supposed to witness it. There she was. Hearing what she hadn't heard before. She's supposed to be asleep but she was eavesdropping on the gut-wrenching discourse of the two ladies only few steps away from her.

Was her girlfriend living in denial? Or did she not know? What if the other woman had just thrown the news on her. After years and years? The longer the silence carried on, the louder she could hear the beating of her heart.

"You introduced me to him." Sara finally answered. A very pathetic excuse, even Tegan could tell. "Plus, it's my fault he did that. I didn't perform my role as a wife." She heard her strong professor putting the blame on herself. Degrading her own self and justifying a terrible action.

"Bullshit." Stacy raised her voice. "What you're saying is fucking stupid. God, Sara. You're so immature at times. You will never change." Harsh words. Sounding like the ones her mother used with her. Actually, they were the exact same words. Her mother often called her immature. Her mother often wished she would change and grow up.

Where did her hard-headed, strong, and confident professor go? What had happened to her? "Are you crying? God, Sara. Don't fucking cry. You always cry. You still cry. See, you never change." She heard the noiseless sobs, the sniffling, the whimpers. It's the first time she had ever heard Sara crying. It's the first time she'd witness her girlfriend that vulnerable.

One could call it her moment of epiphany. Or a discovery newly found. She and Sara, the two who were so much alike but different in mostly everything. She and Sara who were not opposites, they were the same woman who fell in two different bodies. She realized that Sara, her professor, is a portrait of herself. A film of herself. A vision of herself when she is older. That fixed and solid ground crumbled and fell. The tough woman ruling a kingdom all of a sudden was destroyed and exposed to her doom. The wall she leaned on was as lean and as frail as herself. Sara saw herself in Tegan and it could be why they ended up together. And then Tegan saw herself in her lover. An image very vivid and clear. Not an abstract. It didn't need analysis, it didn't need deep thoughts, you couldn't interpret it in different ways. It was obvious who Sara is. It was a mask and Goddamn she had it put so well that Tegan had never seen such a thing coming.

Stacy was the controlling mother Sara despised in herself. Stacy sounded like her mother and Sara repeated Stacy's words to Tegan's own ears and Tegan could perceive where Sara's power came from and why she's the chosen one to be under Sara's power. She was Sara and Sara wanted to tame herself and her weakness points through Tegan. And that realization not only upset the younger girl but also made her wonder. How did Sara reach the conclusion that she loved Tegan? And was Sara sure of that? Her paranoia began to jump from one question to another.

"I just don't want you to get hurt again." Came the softest sound she heard of Stacy ever. Sara no more cried, or maybe she just couldn't hear it anymore. "I'm tired of seeing you go through the same pain every time. You always blame yourself when it's never your fault. I just want you to be strong. I want you to know how much you're worth. You deserve the best, Sara. Don't forget that. You've lost a lot. You deserve to be happy and have people who make you happy."

"She makes me happy." Tegan's own tears escaped her jaded eyes.

"Well, then I guess I can't say anything. I just hope she doesn't get bored. Those like her are the most dangerous of them all. They're young. They want to have fun. As much as they loved. We were like her one day. Remember?"

"Ya." Sara's delicate sound scratched her heart. When did the woman with the strength of the gods become such a slave to her own emotions and tears? When did she take the role of the emaciated victim in their story? How did that happen? Tegan wanted the parts back to whom they belonged to. She's the whiny, crying, rainy girl. Sara's the mountain and the storm and the shelter she'd seek for comfort and strength.

"I love you. Don't ever forget that." Just like her mother loved her. "You know I say that because I don't want to see you hurt, right?" The words her mother used.

"I love you too." That's how she'd answer her mother. "I know." With that same broken octave. She'd wish her mother would be less controlling, she's sure Sara's wishing the same thing.

Tegan desperately wanted to get up but she didn't want the two women to feel that she has been awake and listening to their conversation. So she waited. With eyes closed she waited for a few minutes until the sound of crying filled her ears once again. It wasn't Sara this time. It was a child crying.

"Ella must be up." She heard Ella's mother state. She opened her eyes. A perfect opportunity to pretend that the little girl's cries woke her up. Slowly, she sat up, stretched, and yawned. Her squinting eyes focused on the opened door and at Stacy standing just there. "El, baby come here. I'm right here." Stacy's tone had changed to a sweet motherly one. She wondered where Sara was.

Ella walked with one small fist rubbing her eyes. Pajama pants rolled to her knee in one leg. Bangs falling on her face. Tegan smiled when Ella looked at her as she walked to her mother. Instead of going to her mother's opened arms, she walked to where Tegan was sitting. "Oh...okay." Stacy chuckled as her daughter changed her position.

She heard faint laughter. Knowing who carried that darling octave, Tegan turned around and saw her girlfriend behind the kitchen counter. She smiled and Sara smiled back. There was something about these sweet morning smiles they've always exchanged. Some type of yearning. The way the faint blush would crawl on their cheeks. Sara would bite her lips and wink at Tegan. They exchanged mental messages with these morning smiles. It made Tegan have a yen to bury her face in Sara's neck and simply kiss it.

And even that morning when Sara's eyes were extremely swollen, lack of sleep or crying, it didn't matter because then she knew how sensitive and emotional her girlfriend really was despite harbouring her feelings in a safe box under the beds of her mind. Even that morning...the eagerness to touch each other through sympathetic smiles and craving eyes still managed to present itself. Even while they had a guest who's probably looking at both of them.

Tegan felt a touch on her knees, brushing her skin and tugging at her sweatpants. She turned around and found little Ella smiling big with one hand on her lips, hiding the shyness away, and one on Tegan's knees. "By the way, why do you have a giant stuffed animal in the room? It scared Ella a lot. I had to turn it around so she could sleep." Sara chortled as loud as ever and Stacy walked where she stood. Tegan turned around with a flushed face and a bashful smile.

"It's our friend. Right, Tegan?" Sara winked again and they shared that smile once again, though Stacy was making funny faces and Tegan could see it well.

Ella joined their laughter and they laughed more. The little girl most probably didn't understand anything but only wanted to join them. Tegan turned around and Ella still giggled. "No, El, don't sit on that couch of infidelity. Sit on the other one." Stacy ordered but her daughter sat next to Tegan on the couch of lewd actions.

"One, I'm pretty sure she doesn't know what that means. Two, don't make my girlfriend uncomfortable. Three, we were fully clothed." Sara said while walking to where Tegan and Ella were sitting. Tegan didn't look at any of the women. She knew Stacy was aware of what they had done and she didn't want to pretend as if she didn't know and fake a gasp. But at the same time, she didn't want them to know that it's not a surprise. "I'm sorry, babe. She kinda heard us." Sara handed Tegan a cup and the scent of coffee immediately alerted sleepy Tegan. Sara sat on the other couch.

"Tegub." Ella said with her small hands on Tegan's thigh. Tegan almost spilled her coffee as she heard the little girl's voice for the first time. She smiled really big when Ella repeated her name. Even if mispronounced.

"That's right." She looked up and Sara was smiling at her. Ella said her name the third time. "Yes, honey?" It felt strange to call her by that. She had never called a kid that. Never referred to a child with these names. She was called _'Honey'_ and _'Sweetie'_ by the elderly all the time, however. Sara called her that. Her mother did too. But she never did call anybody_ 'Honey'_ and it felt wonderfully peculiar.

"That's cute." Stacy said as she joined them. "Ella what's mummy's name?" Ella looked at her mother and didn't answer. "What's my name?"

"Mummy?" Ella was playing dumb. She even had a smirk on her face.

"No, that's not my name. What's daddy's name?"

"Tony." The kid confidently said.

"What's her name?" Stacy pointed at her friend who seemed very amused.

"Sasa." Sara giggled and Ella joined her.

"What's her name?" Stacy pointed at Tegan.

"Tegub." Ella nodded. Very positive with her answer.

"Then what's my name?" Her mother pouted slightly. Ella shrugged. "You know my name, silly."

"No." Ella shook her head. Her sly blue eyes big and beautiful. "Don't know." She said once again. Sara snickered and immediately earned a glare from Stacy.

It constantly amused Tegan when parents became butt-hurt when their child ignored them or didn't prove them correct when they tried to prove to everybody that their child had some magical ability of clapping or naming others or such trivial things children did. Ella must be a smart kid for ignoring her mother and naming everybody else. She knew well how to tease her own mother. Tegan wondered if she'd be like Stacy if her child did that. She wondered if Sara would be.

Ella stuck her tongue out at her frowning mother and Stacy faked a gasp. Ella and Tegan both giggled. "Ella, who do you love more, mummy or Tegan?" Sara wiggled her eyebrows at her scowling friend.

Ella did not respond, she looked at both of them. Turning her face to look at Tegan who's next to her then back at Stacy who's sitting on the arm of the couch Sara was sitting on. She looked back and forth as the older women both looked at each other smiling, waiting for the child to decide who her pure heart would choose. That was an evil question coming from Sara. Ella covered both of her eyes and peeked through the spaces between her tiny digits, smiling at her mother and her new friend. Then she pointed at Stacy with her index as her other hand still covered one eye, peeking at Tegan, not wanting to let her down.

"That's my good girl." Sara rolled her eyes jokingly. "Eight hours in labour pushing you out of my vagina, I'd kill you if you choose otherwise." Stacy mumbled.

Sara softly chuckled. "God, I remember."

Tegan's eyes widened without her being aware of it. She was told that her mother spent four hours in labour when she was having her. Tegan always considered that as the most torturing amount of time to push a child out. It made her fear thinking about the whole process, thinking that she would rather a cesarean section instead. But her mother had informed her that the consequences of it will be harder than having to squeeze a baby out of her. She would have to deal with the excruciating back pain for days. She would have to deal with the stitches. It would take her weeks to fully heal. Tegan knew that Sara had had one. She didn't ask her about it. She dreaded doing that. And then Stacy mentioned that she spent eight full hours in labour. Tegan didn't even think someone could spend all that time. She wondered how women could do it and then do it again and again. Her mother did it twice. She has an aunt who had five births. How did they deal with such pain was beyond her imagination. She wondered, if Sara was still able to have children she'd do it again or not. She seemed that she wished to do so. Just by the little talks they had shared. By the way she spoke about a child when explaining literature. By the way she looked at Ella even though the kid preferred to be around Tegan herself, and Tegan hadn't even found out why just yet.

Ella walked to the other two women and tugged at her mother's pajama pants. "I think she needs you to change for her. She stinks." Sara wrinkled her nose and Tegan silently agreed. "You really need to potty-train her. She's two."

"Ya. I should." Stacy said. "When I get back."

Sara took Ella by the hand and picked her up, slowly standing. Ella turned her head looking back at Tegan and at her mother. "I'll change for her. You'll procrastinate and my place will smell of poop like last night." The previous night Ella was crying and begging for her mother to change for her. Even a child would be uncomfortable sitting in their own dirty diaper. Ella tugged at her mother's jeans and cried but her mother continued chatting after dinner. Eventually, Sara changed for her. She said she always changed for her when Stacy stayed the previous summer. Tegan watched as her lover carefully handled the toddler. Stacy watched as well, glad she wasn't doing the job she hated to do the most.

"She really loves children." Stacy sighed when the door of Sara's room was slammed shut by Sara's foot. "She deserves to have one." Tegan didn't say anything. She nodded and watched as Sara's friend felt sorry for Sara. "You know, it's just not fair what happened to her." Stacy was tearing up. "Is it because she's a good person?" Tegan watched Sara's friend shake her head and blink away her tears with a chuckle. "They always say good people get it bad. I wish I could get her back everything she lost. Give her the love she deserves, you know." Stacy's own words were starting to make Tegan emotional. "You know, she told me she's happy with you right now? I haven't heard her say she's happy since seven years ago. That's something very good." Yes, Tegan heard it. But when Stacy said it again, confirming it, her eyes lit up and she looked at the ocean orbs of the woman instead of the ground. "Ya." Stacy gave a nod to Tegan's wide eyes. "Don't you ever make her unhappy. Hear that?" Stacy warned. "Even when she's hard to deal with. Don't leave her. Don't hurt her."

"I won't. I promise." She previously made a promise within herself that she wouldn't hurt Sara. Then she declared it loudly to Sara's protective friend.

"If you really love her, start a family with her. As soon as you graduate. Don't hold back. Don't wait for anything. Don't hesitate. If you love her have something with her that will tie you together. Give her what she wants. A family. A good love." That's too much. Too much to take in. Yes, she loves Sara. But a family all at once? That meant she'll have to carry a child for Sara. She'll have to go through these many hours of labour or face the aftermath of a c-section. And she'd do it. For Sara, she would do it. But thinking about it was just extremely intriguing and electrifying. She only had less than two years to graduate. She was even ahead of her schedule and could graduate earlier. Would things remain the same by then? Would she be ready to have a child? She wasn't ready at the moment. She's a child herself and Sara's the one taking care of her. That would be interesting, though. The sense of it. The drumming feeling. Trickling the pits of her stomach as shocks of excitement hit her thumping heart. "And if you don't lover her and aren't ready for long time commitment then just leave her be and don't play with her heart. If it's just some fantasy of a student-professor affair and you're only having fun for the time being then just end it right now or I swear to God I'll scratch that face of yours when you do it later. And I'm not joking. Ask her about Katina's unfortunate car accident."

Her eyes bulged out and expanded as the threat carried a frightening turn at the end. Stacy seemed serious with her grave warning. It made the goosebumps arise on Tegan's skin. "She didn't die. Don't worry. I just taught her a lesson." Stacy sat back. Satisfied with her speech. Very satisfied that she had gotten to Tegan. "Even Jack. He's my friend. I still tortured him after..." Stacy paused. She didn't continue what Tegan already knew from hearing earlier. "After what happened." She decided to say. Deciding to leave it to Tegan to finish the sentence with the knowledge in her head.

Sara wanted all of them to go to her favourite restaurant for dinner. The one she took Tegan to. Tegan, by doing her mental analysis, has figured that the person with Sara in the restaurant, the one who took the picture of her from her Facebook profile picture, was in fact Stacy. And it was in the early summer. Almost a year before. Sara was about to perform her surgery. She did look grieved in the picture. Tegan remembered how her mother commented on her not smiling. Then she knew why. Then she knewsthe reason why.

Even though guilty, Tegan still ignored the text messages her friends sent. She didn't want to join them at the bar. She didn't want to be with them that Saturday. She wanted to accompany the two women and the toddler. Hear more of Stacy's talk even though it ached her head. Hear more of her name pronounced wrong by a little girl who admired her for some reason unknown and undiscovered. Look at her lover as she celebrated her long sought for happiness with her dearest people. She wanted to go mostly to see Sara smiling. She decided, she really does love Sara.

While in the shower, the same blurriness of vision and spinning of head came back greeting Tegan as she washed her hair with the hot water. She loved her showers hot, unlike Sara who preferred them cold. Perhaps because Sara's skin always seemed warm. Sara always felt warm. While Tegan's skin was always cold. Even her friends used to joke that she's a vampire. Especially after she dyes her hair.

She almost tripped as the suds of her shampoo were being washed off. She knew that familiar feeling. Had been acquainted with it many times. She knew what was going to happen if she kept standing. It hadn't happened in a long time. But if she carried on like that she was destined to fall.

Quickly, she turned off the faucet and with the little balance that she had, she grabbed the towel she had prepared for herself. Losing her breath as she started seeing everything in double, she wrapped the towel around her wet skin. The pressure climbed up to her lungs, making it harder to breathe, clogging her ears and making her body tingly. She sat on the closed toilet seat, looking straight ahead, trying to calm herself down and make the feeling of falling go away.

Harsh pain hit her bottom teeth. Loud noises and screaming. Her hipbone ached and she wondered where she was. A woman continued exclaiming. She didn't know where she was. Loud noises and cruel pain. It's almost as if she's dreaming, but somehow she was half awake.

Slowly, very slowly, the noises faded. The pain increased as she felt it live and real. She felt the tender touch rubbing her exposed arm. "Tegan, can you hear me?" And she heard her favourite sound, slowly. "Please don't make me worry. Wake up, Tegan." The sound seemed panicked and slightly choked up the more consciousness hit Tegan.

She tried to open her eyes but the more she tried the tired she felt. She felt very exhausted and she wished she could say it. Her eyes fluttered. "Come on, Tegan. Just tell me you're fine. Shit, your lip is bleeding. Oh my God." She felt herself slowly being lifted. Then she opened her eyes. The pain hit her hard. Her bottom teeth were crushed on the edge of the bathtub, her lower lip ached. She felt the metallic taste between her lips as she blinked. Her other arm hurt very bad as well as her hipbone. She had fainted. While sitting, she fainted.

She had fainted before plenty of times. She had gone through it. Especially after a very hot shower. But never she hurt herself. Never she was this unaware of it and never she took that much time to regain consciousness. She wanted to ask what happened but Sara's panicking fingers were on her lips. With wide eyes, she checked this or that. "You're fine." Sara breathed. It's as if she'd been holding her breath. "Right?"

She nodded. "Ya. What happened?" She furrowed her brow. _How did Sara come here? How long has she been here._

"Is she okay?" She heard Sara's friend from the door, just standing outside.

Sara rushed to cover her exposed breasts. Her towel had slipped down when she had fallen. Sara wrapped it around her chest once again. "Yes. She's awake now." Sara sighed.

"Tegub." They both heard the child calling her name. Sara turned around to the door and she looked at it as well. Ella stood there with her mother's hand on her shoulder. Stacy was a bit in the back, didn't show her body. "You okay?" Ella repeated her mother's concerned question. But Ella left her place and walked to them, joining the two women on the ground. "Tegub." She looked at Tegan, trying to show her that she cares. Children were pure and innocent, they'd show their affection in any way possible. Ella even reached her hand for Tegan's cheeks, smiling at the older woman.

"Ella, baby," Sara gently said. "why don't you go to mummy while Tegan gets dressed? We'll be out in a minute." Sara whispered, smiling at the little girl.

"Come here, Ella." Stacy walked closer, her full body visible at the door. She smiled sympathetically at Tegan. Her daughter looked back at Tegan before joining her. Tegan smiled at her one last time before the door was closed.

Sara helped her stand up. Her teeth terribly ached, but when she stood, the pain was mostly centered on her hipbone. She must have hit it hard. "We were in the room and we heard a loud thud. Good thing you didn't lock the door. I almost lost my mind when I saw you there. What happened?"

"I don't know." She whimpered as she touched her lower lip. Looking at it in the mirror, there was only a tiny bruise. The bleeding had stopped. A tiny bruise caused all that pain. "I guess I fainted. I got so dizzy. I sat down and then...ya. That's all I remember."

"Have you drunk any water today?" Sara handed her the underwear she prepared when she decided to shower. She didn't know how she was going to move her legs and slip into it. But she had to try.

"No. I haven't in two days, I guess. I don't remember." With Sara supporting her balance, she managed to slip her underwear on while wincing.

"And you were showering with hot water. That's probably why you fainted. You got dehydrated."

"I drink stuff, though."

"That's not adequate." Sara looked at her hip. Exactly where she hit it. "Plus, with the lack of sleep, that's bound to happen." She looked down to find a bruise right there, just a bit beneath her hipbone. "Not to mention most of the stuff you consume probably leave you with iron deficiency. You need to watch out." Sara looked her in the eye. A warning. A warning from someone who cared. "You scared the shit out of me." She whispered with a serious tone. A tone of someone concerned. Yes, she really does love Sara.

The night went smoothly at the restaurant. At least the first bit of it until Ella began whining and crying out of boredom. She didn't let her mother enjoy her meal. She interrupted her everytime she wanted to make a precise point about something. "I just think you guys should be careful." Stacy said. Ella took a handful of her locks and pulled them harshly. "Ouch. You devil child. Calm down." Ella squirmed on her mother's lap, making sounds of annoyance. She messed up the napkins on the table. Throwing them on the floor each time her mother would pick them up. She stuck her tongue out at each passing stranger or a waiter. Stacy felt completely embarrassed with her child's behaviour. Sara seemed to find it amusing. Tegan found it a bit disturbing. "With a child like mine I shouldn't even make a fool of myself and go out." Stacy glared at her daughter who did not give the matter any care and, instead, slapped her mother's neck. Giggling wickedly while staring at Tegan, thinking her actions would be admired. "Ella, you're doing things little girls do. You're a big girl you shouldn't do that. Sit down on your chair and be quiet." Stacy ordered. But of course there was just no point.

"We are being careful." Sara said, taking a sip of her red wine. Tegan didn't think they were being careful. They've been already spotted by Sara's friend. In that exact same place. On that exact same table. Sara's favourite table. Admittedly, Tegan felt more comfortable in being with other people than being with Sara alone in public. As much as she desired to do that, she knew the consequences of it. She knew she could annihilate everything Sara had built in the past years. She could also ruin herself in the process. Sara wasn't being smart enough. She was utterly careless in her actions, driving Tegan even to her university. Anybody could see them. And Tegan was pretty sure people were already suspecting. Sara wasn't good in hiding her feelings in public as well. And Tegan simply couldn't push Sara away since she craved her near each passing second of each crawling day.

"I don't think you are. I know Tegan has about two years to graduate. But that's a bit of a long time. Try to lay low till she's off the hook. I'm saying this for your own good." The way Stacy's eyes pierced into her lover's, a warning gaze that required utter subjection. Which, oddly enough to Tegan, Sara had provided with a simple nod. Now if that was Tegan saying these words, she knew too well that Sara wouldn't yield. She would argue and would win the dispute. But that was Stacy, and Sara listened to her the way Tegan listened to Sara.

Eventually, much to Stacy's luck, Ella ended up on Tegan's lap, teasing the life out of the youngest woman of the three. Ella continued staring at Tegan. She insisted on touching the sliver ball beneath the brunette's lip. She tugged at it and Tegan almost let out a scream. But unlike what she had done to her mother, Ella hugged Tegan with all the childish innocence in her when she discovered that she had hurt Tegan. The rest of the night went on with Ella's head resting on Tegan's chest. Until later, did they find out that the child had slept, and that's when they were able to enjoy the remnants of their night.

"How come Ella is so attached to Tegan and she doesn't know her?" Her lover asked. Some hints of hidden jealousy in her tone. Only Tegan could feel it. Even though playful, Tegan was still able to sense it.

Stacy shrugged. "I think she can sense that Tegan is younger than us. Children tend to like spending time with people in Tegan's age. They admire them. I read it in all the maternity books." Sara nodded. "That's a good thing, though." Stacy continued. "You're dating someone who's good with children." She gave Sara _that_ gaze again. With eyebrows raised and her eyes twinkling. It's as if they shared a secret language through their pupils. Perhaps all friends did. Perhaps she and Emy did too and she hadn't noticed it. Because Sara blushed and looked at Tegan for a mere second, then looked back at her friend nodding. Sara changed the subject afterwards, she was nervous. Tegan can tell. She bit her lip all through the rest of the night.

"We're not gonna spend the night here." Sara whispered in the dark living room. They had returned just half an hour ago. Stacy and Ella were already in the room they've occupied. Leaving Sara and Tegan again on the dull couch. "I'm not gonna suffer another night unable to sleep. Plus, look at you. You're limping. This stupid sofa would break you more. I don't want you fainting everywhere." It's true. She'd been walking funny all day after she fell.

"Where are we going?" Sara was already writing something which Tegan assumed as a note for Stacy.

"To a hotel." Sara smiled and walked to the kitchen, sticking the note on the fridge. "Here." She took a bag from beneath the counter. "I packed everything earlier today."

"We're in our pajamas." Sara seemed serious, already walking to the door.

"So? We don't look weird. It's not like we're wearing superman pajamas or strawberries or something. Just plain sweatpants and shirts. Come on, Tegan." Sara grabbed her parka from the closet beside the door. She put it on. As Tegan hesitated, Sara pulled out her black coat, handing it to her. "Well, do you wanna struggle all night here or get an actual sleep in a good hotel where you can stretch and have your own pillow?" She had forgotten how comfortable Sara usually gets while taking her space on the bed. Sara was the one who used a whole bed for her tiny body and Tegan had to put up with that as she slept on the margin, fearing she'd fall all through the night until she fell asleep.

Eventually, without more persuasion, they were inside a vast, well-lit, and luxuriously-furnished hotel room. Tegan's eyes were wide. That room alone could be bigger than Sara's own apartment. Sara sighed in merriment as she jumped on the bed, resting her body there and kicking her shoes with her own feet. Tegan stared at herself in the large mirror. The bright red lights making the bags underneath her eyes more vivid and making the bruise on her lower lip a tad hideous. She frowned. Did Sara really like looking at her? Her hair looked tired and the roots were a different colour than the rest of it. "I look like shit." She whispered. "God, that thing on my lip. It's like I have herpes." She watched as Sara sat up through the mirror. "How did you even let me go out like that."

Sara walked to her, sighing. Her feet took slow steps until she stood beside her. "You look beautiful. Stop putting yourself down." Sara brushed her frizzy locks, pushing them to the back. "Come here, let me kiss your lips. They will heal." Sara winked. She turned around with a smile allowing her lover to peck where the pain was. She let out a soft groan when Sara wanted to put more effort into the kiss. "Does it hurt bad?" She nodded, lowering her head down. "It's okay. Don't feel bad. What does hurt you too?"

"My left arm and my left hip." Sara began stripping her off her clothes before she even finished her sentence. She's too tired for sex. And she knew Sara must have been too, she hadn't stopped yawning since the previous hour. She'd rather just lie in bed with Sara. "You have beautiful skin. Very smooth. Beautiful arms." Sara said, caressing the soft skin of her left arm. "I'm imagining what it would like with a tattoo. I actually like my women tattoo-naked but with arms like yours, it would be really attractive."

She hadn't thought about getting one before until she saw Sara's. She loved Sara's tattoo. If she ever thought about getting one, it would be something rather related. Something about nature. She loved nature. Not the ocean, perhaps the earth, the trees, the flowers. She did love the ocean, she just didn't want to imitate Sara in what she'd get. "I love your tattoo."

Sara chuckled. "I figured that since you kiss it each time we have sex." Sara kissed where a bluish spot was forming on her arm. "I bought candy. Jelly beans." Tegan smiled widely. She fucking loved jelly beans. "I know. And there's beer in the fridge. Let's get wasted and talk about shit." That's exactly what she desired to do with Sara.

They ended up only in their underwear. Just a thin material covering their lower body while they lay on the bed in the opposite direction. Their legs raised on the headboard. Their feet touching each time one would desire to tease the other. They shared the last bag of jelly beans after consuming two each. Sugar and alcohol left them feeling light and buoyant.

Something liberating in the way they were tenderly comfortable in being with one another. Just exposed as they were. Tegan had never seen herself spending most of her time with a lover in such stark nudity unless they were in the process of making love. But then Sara came and she had pulled away all Tegan's covers. Tegan lay in bed with Sara. Her pink nipples pointing to the air, Sara's as well. She didn't care and even when she stared, Sara didn't mind. It didn't bother her.

"Take the white ones. They're disgusting." Tegan handed Sara a white oval sugar ball. "Oh and the green ones. Leave the pink and the blue ones for me." She beamed at her lover, exposing her gums and teeth. Sara giggled and did as she said. "You can take the yellow ones too. They're not that bad."

"Mmmm." Sara nodded, chewing on the white ones Tegan left her. "This definitely tastes like puke." She put the green in her mouth. "This one tastes like medicine." She threw the yellow one in her mouth. "And this one tastes like shaving cream." Tegan chortled. It was a high-pitched laugh she wasn't even aware of. "Which reminds me," Sara looked at her legs. "I should probably shave my legs. Don't you think so?" Tegan looked at the pale skin with the small brown hair covering it till the knees. "Caveman." Sara mumbled as she looked more at her legs.

"You don't have to." Tegan loved Sara's legs. She loved the hair on them. She loved everything about Sara. Every tiny thing that Sara wanted to condemn in herself, she adored. "I like it like that." She shrugged, smiling once again.

"Ya?" Sara smiled back. Tegan nodded.

"But if you want to then do it. If you don't, then just leave it."

"I get lazy sometimes. But then I want to wear a skirt or a dress so I have to." Sara's arm flew to her lower abdomen, just above her immortal scar. "I always had to shave with Jack. It was kinda annoying. With you it's so easy. Comfortable. I don't have to do anything I don't want to." Sara was again displaying all her emotions and thoughts out in the open. She's lightheaded and easy to talk to at that moment.

"How did you find out you're into me?" It's the question she'd been dying to ask since the early morning. Sara had previously talked a bit about it. But never with full details. She thought it's a perfect time since Sara's at ease.

"I kept seeing you at the bar and you never noticed me. I was too afraid to approach you." That was before they have met in class. It was before Sara had become her professor. "I honestly thought you're a little bit over twenty-three. You give that vibe, you know."

"What vibe?" She squinted her eyes.

"Like you're so tough and have everything under control. You kinda look a bit above your age. It kind of appeals to me." Except she's the opposite of that. "I realized a bit later you're a student at the university I teach at. So I just pushed the thought away. I didn't even know you're majoring in literature." Sara chuckled. "Talk about fate." She chuckled too. "I saw Emy a lot in the department and you're her friend so I just forgot about it until I saw you in my class. I tried to play it cool. You know, pretend I don't know you at all."

"You played it well. I didn't suspect a thing."

"Ya, well, only at the beginning." Faint laughter escaped her lips. "Then my mind fucked me up. I started dreaming about you. Thinking about you. You seemed so mysterious. I felt weird. You're my student. Younger than I am. Yet I couldn't get you out of my head."

"Me too. That's how it happened to me."

"I take the blame, though. I started teasing you. It wasn't intentionally. I just did it. I just wanted to get a reaction out of you. And I felt you are accepting it. You're giving me something even though it wasn't that clear. So I pushed more. I knew it was wrong, and honestly, I regret my way of approaching you. I really just didn't know what I was doing and what to do."

"Ya. I guess I know how you feel."

"I started teasing you with my clothes and that was strange to me because I've never done that."

"I did that too." She could still remember the time she wore a sheer shirt just to get Sara's attention.

"Ya. I kinda noticed it. So I was happy when I felt that there's this thin line of connection. Yet I couldn't do anything because I knew I had a lot going on in the summer. I couldn't just drag you with me. Then this semester I fucked it up really well because, really, I didn't know how to approach you. It's really hard. I was afraid I was putting my head into delusions. Making myself believe you like me but you don't."

"But I did. And now we're good." She looked at Sara and Sara looked at her. They looked into each other's eyes. The simplest gesture of lovers. The eyes. The warm love they share simply by connecting two pupils together.

"Ya. Now we're good." Sara leaned in and softly kissed her. Afraid she'd hurt her lips, she pulled away and smiled.

"I love you." Tegan only told her she loves her once. And she knew it was rather strange to be committed to someone and love them that much and not wanting to say it. But she also knew that Sara never felt comfortable with the word from the amount of times she spoke about love in class. Tegan knew Sara loved her. She heard it in the morning. She heard her telling Stacy, so she didn't worry. And Sara cared. She also had seen it in the morning. She'd seen the panic in her fiery eyes when they were in the bathroom. A word of love wouldn't matter because she had actions in front of her.

"I love you too." Sara, however, she said it. For the first time. The exact words Tegan heard in the movies and read in the books. And you might call her a fool for smiling big that her cheeks indeed did hurt, but she couldn't help not to do so because even if she didn't need words to prove Sara's love to her, hearing it coming out of Sara herself was something magical.

Tegan reached for her hand. She joined their hands together in a firm grip. Sara squeezed her own hand and smiled at her. "I wanna have a family with you." Was it too early to speak about it? "One day." Maybe it was, but right then it's okay. Because it was just easy to talk to Sara.

Sara opened her mouth to say something. With pupils dilated, she asked, "Really? You want that?"

"Ya. Do you want it?"

"I've always wanted one." Sara shrugged.

"I wanna have a baby with you." She didn't know why she was blushing, but she was. Sara snickered. "I'm ready to carry it just for you." Maybe she wouldn't say such words if she hadn't had anything to drink. But it didn't matter, because that night there was nothing to lose. "It will be easy. I hope." She continued. "Not the pregnancy." She laughed nervously. "I mean us, being a family. You'd go to work and I'd be graduated from uni. I'd stay home and raise our baby. You should teach me how to cook. But we'd need a bigger place to stay at." It seemed easy to think about it and manage it in her head. And Sara was simply staring at her. She wasn't sure if the sparkling specks in Sara's eyes were hints of admiration or something else. But she knew that's how she looked at Sara when she admired every feature in her face. "What do you say?" Tegan bit her lip.

"That sounds nice. I want that." Sara nodded. "I had a dream of a family like that. It never came true."

"Maybe it will. Even if it gets hard. We'll make it work. We can do that, right?"

"I think we can. But what if you changed your mind? You know, what if you didn't want to do that later?" And that's the first time ever she'd witness fear in Sara's tone. Fear that she will lose her. That's how she made sure Sara really loved her.

"I wouldn't. I want you to be happy. When you're happy I become happy. Why would I change my mind?"

"Because I changed my mind a lot when I was your age."

"Well I won't." She assured her lover through stern eye contact. "I promise you." She declared her already made promise for Sara to hear. She would never give up on Sara. And she hoped Sara wouldn't ever push her away when times became rough. Even if she did, she wouldn't do what Sara's past lovers have done. She wouldn't walk away on Sara. She loved Sara.


	26. How Sara Did It

**Chapter 26: How Sara Did It.**

**May 3rd, 2043**

Allow me to tell you about a woman. No, not Sara. Another woman. Someone I dearly loved and I can admit this now. Now I know you. I don't quite know you well. But now I think I can reveal more and more. Now I feel a tad more comfortable. I don't have to lie anymore. I mostly lie to myself all the time. I have to be careful with the reactions I might receive. I am glad you didn't judge me with everything I've said before. I hope you won't judge me as I am approaching the most critical part of my story next. The part where my fall begins to unravel before my eyes but nothing alarmed me until it was very late.

Oh, right. Yes, the woman. You see, my mind is just everywhere. I have no idea how I was able to achieve what I've achieved with such a confused head like mine. Anyway, I was only twenty-two. I was not over the loss. I am still not over the loss as you can see. But at that age it was harsh. It was...I can't even describe it with words. I don't want to remember the nights of endless crying and self-hatred. I blamed myself and I still blame myself. And I do know it is not fully my fault what had happened. Actually, it is not my fault at all. But I just wish we had a proper goodbye. I wish I was there till the very end. I just want to know if she forgave me or not. Do you understand me? You don't? I haven't finished her story yet, I know.

After the whole situation with Jeremy and Emy I didn't date until that woman. Her name was Diana. I insisted on finishing my Master's degree at that same damned university. Eventually, I stayed in Montreal after hating that city so much I couldn't breathe its Sara-poisoned air. But I stayed. And I went to school each day and studied my ass off and started working at the publishing company I have previously spoken of. I saw Diana each day with her cigarette sitting outside. Memories hit me. Beautiful ones. Diana was mostly like myself. Except she was very tall and she had pretty, oh so pretty features. Her eyes brown but sparkled each time I looked at them. Her lips were always red even though she carried herself with only a bit of eyeliner on the lower lids. She always covered her hair with a snapback. She had soft features and I loved her features and I also loved her for those two years we spent together.

I learned that Sara had taught Diana in the past. Diana hated Sara. I didn't tell Diana anything more than Sara having been taught me as well and I found her to be a good professor. Diana agreed with me and she supposed that Sara's past behaviour had to do with what she was going through. I didn't want people to pity my woman because I know she despised being pitied. But ten years later and everybody still pitied the one who got away.

**...**

Both palms spread on each side of her head as she leaned down. Eyes tightly shut and a lower lip bitten. Tegan tried to focus on her breathing as the vehicle hurried on the road. Cursed sun, when she didn't want it to shine and blur her sight it had to do just that.

She opened her eyes briefly at the feeling of soft contact on the jeans she's wearing, Sara's jeans. She looked at the pale hand on her thigh going up and down in an attempt to calm her down but her eyes trailed on the faint blue material. How she couldn't button it up and now she's sitting with unbuttoned and unzipped jeans. Sara had mixed their pants and brought two of her jeans instead of bringing Tegan's light blue one. She lifted her head with another scowl to her professor. One which the professor couldn't help but chortle at.

"You think this is funny." Tegan mumbled, pushing her head back on the seat and closing her eyes once again.

"I don't." Sara, however, was still laughing after each sentence her student would utter since the morning. "I'm sorry, little Tee Tee. I'll make it up to you." She teased again and her student groaned.

"You're pushing it too fucking much, Sara." With seriousness in her tone, Tegan snapped.

Sara looked at her one more time then focused on the road ahead. Tegan was well aware it wasn't her fault and she was, as well, well aware that her morning mood swings were getting in the way. She took a breath and looked out of the window, deciding it's best to shut her mouth and clear her mind.

"Tell me what's wrong?" Sara asked. Tegan could hear the hesitancy in her tone. She even bit her lip when the younger woman looked back at her.

Tegan shook her head. "I'm sorry. I'm just grumpy when I wake up. And I have a headache. It was all of a sudden you know. Then your pants didn't fit me and you know..."

"You felt bad because my pants didn't fit you." Sara finished for her and she nodded. "Baby, you know I don't really have the healthiest weight. I'm that skinny because of the chemotherapy, the medicines I take, the whole process. Don't feel bad about how you look."

Sara always comforted her with a soothing tone and gentle words. It left her feeling stupid for being upset for such things. "I'm really sorry, Sara." She exhaled. "Morning coffee plays a role in my day." She chuckled half-heartedly.

"I know how you feel." They were outside Sara's apartment. "My bad. I totally forgot about Stacy."

"It's okay. I know you didn't mean to." She forced a smile and her lover smiled back.

That was a good hotel room they have shared. She wished they would have stayed there for a while. When she asked Sara about its cost, Sara dismissed her saying something about wanting to spoil her. Sadly, they didn't spend more time. Damn Sara's friend. She robbed Tegan off her bed and off her sleep in the morning on another soft bed.

Tegan wanted to look on the bright side. Perhaps after Sara drove Stacy and Ella to the airport they could wallow in their Sunday ecstasies on Sara's bed. She'd have to to change the sheets first, take a shower, and make herself presentable. She wanted to try new things with Sara, different positions. Perhaps they could use that one toy Sara had. It wasn't much, but it's all Sara had.

When Sara woke Tegan at five-thirty in the morning she thought of all the possible ways she could enjoy the last few minutes inside that hotel room. Maybe one day she and her lover could go on vacation and they would stay in such a room. Maybe they'd make love in it. Too bad they hadn't done that the previous night. They were both in a state of devilish exhaustion.

But they made out. For many minutes their tongues danced together and their hands brushed each other's skin. Sara's wet tongue had some magical effect that she awoke with no bruise on her lower lip, though her hip still hurt her. Tegan also recalled what they have uttered that night. She remembered the promise she made to Sara. The silent commitment they made together.

Tegan looked at Sara for a second as they were in the elevator. She looked at her lips and the scar beneath. These simple things. Sara's simple things strengthened the commitment within Tegan's mind. She wouldn't want to see these lips quivering because of her. And she wanted to kiss that scar the way her lover kissed the stud beneath her own lips. These things made sense to Tegan. It could be her dizzy head. No coffee in her system. It was six something in the morning and Sara was supposed to drive her friend to the airport within an hour. And Tegan stood and marveled at the angelic features her lover carried.

"Can we have sex today?" The younger woman asked out of the blue. She wanted to enjoy Sara's lovely presence as close as possible in the most intimate state of liaison they could ever share. She would want to hold Sara as tightly as possible while they made love to each other. Caress her river-like skin and nibble on the tiny pieces in her body. Kiss the freckles and the moles and blow on her nipples to watch them harden and stiffen. A scene savoury to her eyes.

Before entering her apartment, Sara stood outside. She had what seemed like a smirk while eyeing her lover from head to toe. "I should have known it's your raging hormones making you act like a grumpy kitten, mister." Sara winked. She used the word her best friend uses. Perhaps Tegan gave that impression at times. "Of course we can have sex." Sara whispered but with huskiness in her sweet tone. "And as much as you want." A peck she planted on Tegan's lip. "And we'll do whatever you want." And another peck.

Tegan kissed her back but hastily pulled away when they heard a door shut. She heard it from behind her and when she looked at Sara, she saw the fiery redness on both cheeks. Sara smiled at whoever was behind Tegan. And when Tegan turned around she saw an old woman with grey short hair eyeing both of them. The woman did not seem pleased. Not at all. She was sending glares to them. So that's who lived opposite to Sara. An old woman who seemed judgmental of their relationship. Tegan hoped and pleaded within herself that the woman hadn't heard any of her cries or screams while with Sara. Whether ones of irritation or ones of intimacy.

The old woman left and still didn't seem pleased. Sara had her lips between her teeth. "I don't think she's yay gay." She had one eyebrow raised. "Screw her." Sara said once again. "Okay, let's get inside before another ass neighbor gives us the -you're damned in hell- looks."

As expected, or as Sara had told Tegan, Stacy was going to be angry once they're there. And she was. She looked both of them up and down from her seat on the couch. She was brushing Ella's hair with a frown on her face. Sara greeted her and she did not respond. Sara asked what's wrong and Stacy didn't say a thing.

Perhaps it was a tad rude to leave a guest in your home and stay at a hotel with your partner. Especially when the guest was supposed to be leaving to the airport the next day and you were their only ride as you promised them. They'd wake up to you not at home. They would feel as if they were a bothersome company. Tegan gave Stacy the right to be upset with her best friend. She invited her, she allowed her to stay, therefore, she should have put up with the consequences. Tegan would never do what Sara had done, even though she enjoyed their change of scenery. As much as she wanted it, common sense was easily attainable and she was well aware that her girlfriend shouldn't have ditched her friend.

Sara sat next to her best friend trying to make it up to her with her usual sweet words. Tegan rushed to the bedroom to change her pants. When she returned to prepare coffee for herself and her lover, she watched as the professor held her best friend in a way that triggered the fiend called jealousy inside Tegan.

"Come on, Stace." Sara whispered. Her arms wrapped around the other woman's torso from behind. "Be good to me." She watched as the other woman rolled her eyes, struggling with a lock of hair which caused her daughter to let out a cry. They seemed like a couple. Tegan watched from her place behind the kitchen counter.

Stacy looked up at Tegan. She shook her head as Sara whispered more words in her ears. "You brought the child within her, you know that?" She was being addressed and all three females on the couch looked at her. "She used to act like that when we were fourteen." The older woman chuckled. "Good times, right?" Sara let go of her, also chuckling at the memory.

Tegan wished to laugh. When they were fourteen, she was a newborn. Perhaps few months old only. It was a tad ironic to her, but somehow special when she comes to think of it. Out of all the people Sara's age, the older woman chose her and only her to love.

She watched as Ella left her mother and her mother's friend and walked where she was. Once again demanding to be picked up. And her wishes were fulfilled. Tegan sat her on the counter and held her carefully so she wouldn't fall. "Be careful." Stacy warned. "She moves a lot. Be careful."

"It's okay. I'm holding her." Tegan answered.

Stacy nodded and looked at her friend again. "I'm just really upset that you didn't at least tell me." She shrugged. "You could have told me to stay at a hotel, you know. I can afford that."

"No, it's not that." Sara said. Her ears were red. Was she actually embarrassed? Even with her best friend? It fascinated Tegan to witness that.

She shook her head at the little girl as she began to squirm and move in her place. "Don't. You'll fall and you'll get hurt." She whispered in a playful warning tone.

"Sara, I know you." One eyebrow raised, Stacy continued, "When you want to do...the thing, you'll do anything to do it. Even leave your guest while she's visiting." She said it in a sportive tone. A chortle accompanied her last sentence.

She felt her cheeks flare up with an angry shade of red. Even her lover's were tainted with colour. "No, actually we didn't do that. Not that you should know anyway. But we didn't do that."

Ella was causing issues to Tegan. She picked her up once again and the girl threw her head on Tegan's shoulder, calling her name a few times with the same mispronunciation as the previous day.

"Sure." Stacy turned around with a smile on her face. "Tegan, one time Sara was extremely in the mood for _the thing_ when we were sixteen, she didn't care her old father was asleep in the room next to her's." Stacy was being careful with her language and Tegan assumed it's because of her kid being around. She doubted the girl would understand anyway, but her mother was being extra cautious.

Sara shook her head and tugged at Stacy's maroon blouse. "No. Don't narrate that."

"Why? It's funny. I mean now it is. I told you we'll be laughing at it in the future. Let's laugh at it." Stacy paused. "She knows we..." Sara nodded and sat back with a sigh.

Tegan wanted to hear the story. At the beginning, she thought it was an attempt from Stacy to get her to feel even more jealous. But with Sara's rejection of narrating the tale, she became more curious to know what Stacy was going to say. "Anyway," Stacy continued. "she really insisted and so we, you know." Tegan nodded, yes she_ knew_. "Since my friend here is a screamer, oh and she was worse, trust me." Tegan smiled watching Sara covering her eyes. Her back was to standing Tegan but the younger woman could see her bashful professor attempting to escape wherever the story was heading.

"What happened?" Tegan asked, eager to know. A smile in her voice and even herself could hear it.

"My dad happened." Finally Sara said, turning her head and sighing once again. "He came into the room. And ya, you can guess the rest." She couldn't really. She had an idea of the rage he must have been in but she wanted to know what he had done exactly. Did he kick Stacy out? Did he hurt Sara? Physically, emotionally, or both? She didn't want to push her lover, however. She didn't want to ask her since it's clear that the story caused her to feel uncomfortable

"Ya. So that's Sara. When she's in the mood she forgets to lock the door of her room or she goes to a hotel in the city she lives in just to do it."

"We really didn't do it." She didn't know why, but she felt the need to clarify their innocence. Even if they weren't, why did Sara's friend have to know about what they've done or haven't? But she had the need to clarify and say that they haven't done anything of that sort.

"Oh." She watched as Sara's friend blushed for the first time. "Well...I guess..." Stacy trailed off.

Sara shook her head. "And you still put yourself in awkward situations. Looks like both of us haven't changed." She walked to the kitchen with an eye roll. One of annoyance. She poured herself a cup of coffee and one for Tegan. "Do you want some coffee?" She asked her friend who shook her head, clearly upset with Sara's words.

Admittedly, it did make Tegan a bit happier on the inside. Maybe not happy but satisfied. She wanted to see her lover as strong with words as she always appeared. She wanted her to shut her friend up since the previous day. "By the way," Sara said again. "if you bothered me I would have gladly kicked your ass out. But I like you in my home and you know that. I just wanted to spend a quiet night with Tegan, that's all. I'm sorry if I made you upset." And there came the unnecessary apology that Tegan thought there was no need for.

Stacy smiled. A big smile. One with teeth and gleaming eyes. Tegan let Ella down and she walked to her mother, hugging her legs and laying her head on her lap. Tegan watched and Sara did so too. Stacy brushed her daughter's hair and kissed her head. It's as if the child felt that her mother became bothered by some small detail and suddenly, Tegan felt guilty. Maybe Stacy had good intentions but she didn't know how to let them out. Tegan knew she did, but she didn't know why she didn't really like Stacy that much. It just didn't happen. It's not her fault. She couldn't do it. Sometimes you like some persons and other times you don't. It's a human nature. She loved Ella but she didn't like Stacy that much. Even though Ella was the offspring of Stacy. It felt weird to her but that's how it was.

Ella ran to Tegan after her mother had whispered a few words no one other than the child could hear. She took Tegan by the hand, leading her to Sara's bedroom. "Let's go, Tegub."

"Uh..." The dark-haired woman smiled. "I want to talk to Sara about something before I'm gone. Can you...please?" She motioned at her daughter and Tegan nodded immediately. "Ella, show Tegan your toys." _Great, forever stuck with the kids._ She resisted a proper eye roll that was going to crack the walls if she had the power.

"Yes, Tegan likes toys." She heard her girlfriend comment, knowing too well the devilish smile on her face without turning around. Knowing too well the purport behind her words. She didn't know whether to laugh, to smile, or to scowl. She preferred she wouldn't turn around. "Don't you, Tegan?" But her girlfriend insisted.

"That's pretty disgusting." She heard Stacy say when Ella finally dragged her inside the room. "You're still a pervert." And that's the last thing she heard before entering the room and closing the door.

And good Lord, the room was in a state of mess that Tegan had never witnessed before. She hadn't noticed how unorganized it was while changing her pants. But looking around her then, she could see the discarded bed sheets, the shoes on the floor, the suitcase still open, clothes here and there. She also saw her stuffed animal on the floor and facing the wall. "Did your mum have a war in here?" She whispered while Ella sat on the bed.

Ella giggled in response, clearly she didn't get what Tegan said. "Tegub."

"Yes, baby." She smiled and sat on the floor, facing the kid.

"Let's play." Ella stuttered while she talked. She stuttered with each sentence and it was purely adorable to watch.

"What do you want us to play?" Ella shrugged. "Show me your toys." It felt strange saying these words after what Sara had said earlier.

She thought about Sara and Stacy. She thought about what they might be speaking about. Something personal or something that had to deal with both of them. Another speech to upset her lover or just a simple chat before she left. She wondered when were they going to finish while she pretended of having a good time dressing the dolls and making them act as if they were humans with Stacy's kid.

She watched as Ella mumbled nonsense in her own made up language while moving four dolls. She gave two to Tegan and two were in her tiny hands. She marveled at the child's imagination, creating a scene in her head and making her inanimate toys enact it. One day she's going to be a mother. She and Sara would be mothers and they might have a daughter or a son. She would watch them play and they might ask her to join them. The imagination lit a bulb in her mind. It agitated her joyful expectations and filled her with ardent enthusiasm.

And the time did pass. Or maybe it wasn't a lot of time she had spent inside the room. But when Stacy and Sara came inside she easily noticed the other woman's bloodshot eyes. She took a look at her girlfriend but there were no hints of crying on her features. That time around the other woman ended up in tears and it actually surprised her that she stared a bit too long at the blue irises surrounded with red. Stacy cleared her throat and she averted her gaze back to Ella again.

"Come on, El." Even her voice came cracked and hoarse. "We have to go. Give me your toys so I can put them in the bag." She reached for the dolls which were in Tegan's hand.

"No. No." Her daughter protested. "I don't wanna go." She complained, kicking her feet.

"But we have to go. Don't you miss daddy?" Stacy tried to reason with her.

"No." With a scowl, Ella shook her head. "Stay here with Tegub and Sasa." And with furrowed brows she demanded.

"But we can't stay here. Mummy has to go to work tomorrow. Come on, be a good girl." Sara had a sympathetic smile and Tegan watched her lover, wondering what might be perplexing her at that moment.

"You go." Ella waved her hand at her mother. "I stay." She beamed. "With Tegub." Tegan didn't know the kid admired her that much. "You go with Sasa." And it was surprising and a bit overwhelming. It left her lips parted and Sara's eyebrows raised.

Stacy looked at Sara. "Uh..." She smiled. "She kind of thinks you're Tegan's mother."

"Holy shi..." Tegan covered her mouth before uttering the word. She then burst in laughter and it caused Sara to laugh too. Stacy, however, didn't join them.

"Well, this is interesting." Sara wiggled her eyebrows at her lover. She sat on the floor next to Tegan and Stacy and looked at stubborn Ella. "Ella, my darling," She began with a firm but a friendly tone. "you should go with mummy." Ella folded her arms against her chest. "Tegan has to stay here with me because she's my girlfriend."

Ella shook her head. "No." She shook her head again. "Tegub is my girlfriend." Most of the sentence came mispronounced but Tegan was able to make it. Sara looked up at her with a bitten lip, one meant that Sara felt slightly confused.

Persuasion was hard. They couldn't persuade a little girl and couldn't make her change her mind. A known fact that children are stubborn and nobody can change what they see, the image in their heads and the truths their brains made up. Ella was a smart kid and they struggled for a while until they were able to let her change her mind. Sara was good. She made a deal with her. She told her that yes, Tegan was her girlfriend and didn't try to erase that idea from her innocent mind. She promised her that she and Tegan would be visiting very soon. Ella asked when and Sara, sadly, had to lie and say in two weeks. Ella did not believe her at first, but Sara showed her the pinky promise trick and whispered something in her ear that Tegan couldn't hear. But Stacy did hear it, she had a smile on her face. Whatever Sara had said made Ella give in and agree on returning with her mother. She hugged Tegan's legs before she left.

Tegan did not go to the airport. She didn't feel any need in doing that. Stacy gave her a goodbye hug as well. It was rushed and it was awkward, but it was a hug. She smiled at her and told her it was nice to meet her. A playful threat accompanied her goodbye. Tegan smiled back and kissed Ella's rosy cheeks waving goodbye before closing the door and having the apartment to herself.

She thought she could get some sleep in that time nobody was at home, but many things crawled inside her mind. The place needed tidying up. And she worked on that. She noticed her change in behavior. Leaning more towards Sara's tendencies, she couldn't handle any disorder in a simple place. She arranged and cleaned and put things in their original nooks and corners.

Suddenly, the place was quiet and even though their guests didn't stay for much, the quiet felt eerie and felt drear. She sat on the couch and rested her feet on the coffee table and simply thought about all the people she hadn't contacted for two days. Her friends whom she ditched and her mother who hadn't called her since Friday morning. Obviously, her mother was rather upset and disappointed and that's why silent treatment was the result. She didn't want to leave her mother like that, she had a good relationship with her and she didn't want Sara's words to get to her. She didn't want her mother to become an enemy or an opposing rival. Her mother was her friend and her first supporter. But a part of her wondered how long her mother would last till she'd call. Could she last for too long? Could Tegan herself last for too long? It's true she had found a replacement who she narrated her daily stories to and maybe that's why her mother was upset in the first place. She's not the one to receive the small details that Tegan used to talk about without stopping. Tegan became a secret holder and her mother didn't like that. That's what Tegan thought.

And her friends were clearly as mad as they could be, angry that they've been neglected and replaced for somebody new. Everything in her wanted to call and apologize. Everything in her wanted to promise them she'd make it up to them. Everything in her wanted to have a social life other than Sara's dark corner but nothing in her allowed her to push the buttons on her phone. It's as if she'd been drugged in the Sara zone. It consumed her and numbed her will to choose what she wanted.

She rejected her ideas and left to the bathroom. A shower what she needed. A fresh shower. Maybe she'd allow the water to become cold for a bit. Maybe it would calm her running thoughts. It would make them seated in the back for a bit. At least until Sara returned. When Sara was there, Tegan thought of nothing but in the art that is everything the woman was.

And eventually, Sara returned. Tegan left the bathroom with her towel on her damp skin, she found the woman on the bed with a wide smile. Her heart fluttered and her stomach filled with butterflies. Sara stood up, still smiling. "You put me in a good mood with the clean place. Sorry I was late, had to get some stuff on the way here." Her smile didn't fade away and Tegan didn't know the mystery behind the sudden curling of her lips.

"It's fine." Tegan swiftly, and intentionally, unwrapped the towel revealing her still wet, nude body which Sara ogled with delight. Tegan didn't know how but Sara's smile somehow expanded. "A little bit too excited. And you made fun of my raging hormones." She held the blue material wide open. A part of her felt as if she was teasing Sara with stripping like that.

Sara licked her lower lip. "Nice." She commented, in a way that she really did sound like a male with excited hormones. "Stay here. Just like that. I'll take a really quick shower. Don't get dressed." Before the older woman could even finish her own sentence she was already inside the bathroom with her door closed. She needn't shower if they were going to need another shower after what they were clearly going to do. And from Sara's smiles, Tegan could tell they were going to have a busy day which will leave them both sweaty and exhausted.

Sara went with her promise and only five minutes later she left the bathroom with her white towel wrapped around her frame. Wet hair pushed to the back, displaying her sharp features and lineaments. "Are you asleep?" Tegan groaned from her place on the mattress. Her wet hair staining the new pillowcases with water, her towel beneath her body as it was uncovered.

Sara walked to the large mirror in her room and looked at herself. "Poor Stacy," Tegan looked up. "I think she and Tony are not on good terms."

"Is that what she wanted to talk to you about?" She sat up and watched her professor reaching for the body moisturizer cream on the dresser.

Sara opened the cap and with two fingers, she took a bit. "Yes. She's worried about Ella because she think she doesn't like her father." Sara bent down rubbing her smooth legs with the carnation coloured cream. Tegan noticed that Sara had shaved. "Gosh, even Stacy?" She formed a chuckle. "It's like nobody is destined to be happy in this life." But they were happy right then. And she hoped they'd stay happy till time ran out.

When Sara removed the white material and threw it on her bed, Tegan noticed her shaved mound. An eyebrow was raised when she also noticed that Sara was applying the liquid on that place she had just shaved. "Holy shit, are you putting that on your vagina?" She giggled with eyes scanning as Sara carefully rubbed the spot, careful not to let it touch her folds. "Did you shave because I shaved?"

Sara looked up and smiled. "Something like that." She shifted her rubbing up to her arms. "Does that bother you?" Tegan shook her head. "It's peach flavoured by the way." She raised an eyebrow. "I want my pussy to smell like your favourite fruit."

Tegan giggled once again. "When you put it like that..."

"Well," Sara's lips curled on one side. "is it making you wet? Because that's what I'm attempting to do." She placed her moisturizer on the dresser. Stacy's deep red lipstick, which Tegan found on the floor earlier, caught her attention. She reached for it and removed the cap, humming as she rolled the bottom and was met with the red stick.

"I think I've been wet since last night." Sara let out a small laugh. She applied the red material on her lips. Both, she and Tegan looked in the mirror. Tegan's stark nudity coloured her cheeks, especially watching as Sara's eyes eyed her through the reflecting glass, pursing her lips together and looking more at her naked lover.

"How do I look?" Sara turned around, facing her student. "Weird, huh?" She looked beautiful. Extremely beautiful that Tegan couldn't utter a single word. "The only time I let that thing touch my lips was in my wedding. My mother forced me to put it. Jack loved me without make up. What do you love more?"

Tegan changed her position, from using her knees for leverage, she then sat leaving her bum on the mattress. "You look gorgeous." Sara slowly approached her. "I love you either way. You're beautiful. Breathtaking." Her words flowed as she sighed when Sara's glimmering gold stars shone as she climbed on the mattress.

Sara's flushed face making her even more breathtaking and more galvanizing. "You make me blush." Sara whispered. "Lie down. I wanna mark your boobs with my red lips." And that's how Sara did it, bashful in a whisper and vulgar in a scream.

"You and your boobs infatuation." Playfully, Tegan rolled her eyes.

"Only yours by the way. I'm an ass chick." Sara reached for the stuffed animal placing it on the floor beside the bed and making it face the wall. Its usual place when they had sex. "We need extra protection from this thing today." She reached for Tegan's towel putting it on its head.

"No, you'll get her wet." Sara reached for her own towel and put it on top of Tegan's.

"That's what she said." Sara beamed returning on the mattress.

Tegan watched as her lover's breasts swayed while she crawled to her resting form. Sara's breasts were beautiful like all of her. They were not as full and round as hers but they were extremely perky and insanely squishy and soft. While the older woman planted soft kisses on her heaving chest, she reached down for one breast palming it and squeezing each time velvety lips or a silky tongue wet her full mounds or her stiff nipples. Sara's pink buds hardened against the palm of her hand as well, and teasingly, she traced the bud with her fingertip in a circular motion.

Sara looked up at her each second as she bit her lips. She looked down at her rose covered chest. Tegan suppressed an escaping sound when her lover bit on her own nipple, eyes remained connected. She felt Sara biting harder and it hurt. Moving from one nipple to the other. Wetting the bud and biting again, watching her all through it. Sara's lips smeared with red. Tegan tried her best not to raise her volume, she tried her best to resist any temptation of escaping an enjoyed or a pained sound.

When Sara's teeth caused her pain she squeezed Sara's mound harshly earning some type of a whispered scream from her lover. Sara looked up at her. "Is everything okay?" Her hand moved to where her mouth had been, softly brushing her thumb over the button.

"It just kinda hurts. That's all." Tegan guiltily said, forming a smile and leading Sara's head upward so she could meet her full inviting lips.

Sara breathed on her own plump lips. The minty scent took her tongue out tracing her lover's lips. The minty scent caused her to close her eyes and to finally let a soft hum escape her lips. Why was she even trying to lock her sounds? What was she trying to prove? "Why didn't you tell me?" Sara questioned. Their lips almost locked. Their bodies connected. The peach scent from Sara's skin surrounding.

"Kinda enjoyed it. Kinda didn't wanna be too loud." Sara gave a nod. Her arms wrapped around her still damp body.

"Just so you know, I love that you are too loud. Give me some feedback, eh?" And their lips were pressed together as she gave Sara a smile and a nod. She closed her eyes and lived in the ecstatic moment. Feeling Sara's smooth flesh against her own, moving her tongue against it and the older woman allowed her generous entrance. She felt her lover's hands moving upside down her arms and she felt her lover's breasts atop her own. Her lover's hipbones connected with her wide ones. Their tongues danced in a melodic rhythm. She felt as if they were doing some kind of an artistic work, sucking at the silky part and moving her own tongue inside Sara's mouth with confidence and love. Her heat began to form ardently and push through her lips. Not only that but she clearly felt Sara's own heat on the top part of her mound. Short and soft sounds flew past their lips. The vibration resonated in their kisses. Subtly, she began to rock her hips from beneath her professor's form, searching for the part she needed the most to connect with her own. To dance with her own the way their tongues danced together.

Sara detached their tongues but her lips remained on top of Tegan's as the younger woman worked more on her hip movement. "What are you doing?" With a husky octave and a smirking tone she asked, eyebrows raised. Tegan could feel it, Sara's clit very close to hers, she increased her hip thrusts but Sara did not help. "We're not doing that." Sara guffawed.

Tegan's eyes finally opened and she took a look at her lover's glassy spheres. "Why not?" Her movement did not stop.

"I don't have the energy to do it. Plus I never come that way."

"But I wanna try it. I think I can come that way...I came while riding your thigh once." The corners of Sara's eyes creased in a form of a smile. With a quick motion, she turned them around.

"Alright." She breathed while Tegan adjusted herself on top of her lover. "This will be a bit annoying for me but now I want you to do it because I need to be really wet for what I want us to do after." Tegan blushed thinking of all the possibilities of what _'after'_ held inside. She wondered what Sara was speaking of but she preferred not to voice her curiosity. She took a breath and looked at Sara's cunt. It was in fact drenched much like her own and maybe even more but apparently the woman required more fluids.

She didn't know where to begin and how to begin in the first place. She had seen it in porn and she knew how uncomfortable and bone-aching such sexual position can be. Would she suck at it and both of them end up unsatisfied and even less wet than they have began with or would she reach her orgasm and come on Sara's mound? What if she made Sara come? What if she was the only and the first person who made her climax? Would they do what Sara had in mind after or would they be extremely exhausted? Only one way to fill her curious mind was to try and so she aimed to do so.

She parted Sara's lips and revealed her dark pink folds and her aroused clit. She looked at her widely spread leg for a moment not knowing what to do. Sara helped her, though, she spread a leg till her thigh met the mattress and one was raised. "Sit between them." Sara ordered and Tegan, with a bit of struggle and a help from Sara's hands, managed to position herself in the same manner she had seen in pornography. Sara held one leg beside her as Tegan's other one was next to the raised leg slightly leaning on Tegan's shoulder. She winced in pain and discomfort with the position, slowly lowering herself and looking at both of their mounds.

Her eyes shot open when she touched Sara's river with her own. Sara giggled at her reaction. It actually did feel good even though her movement was shaky and still very slow. "Does it feel good?" Sara's other hand held her from behind, encouraging her to move more. She looked down each time she rocked her hips and her clit touched Sara's. Her face grew hot when she watched their folds kissing and entangling together. Her sweat ran past her brow and down her temples. She looked at Sara but she couldn't decipher the image on her face. Her lips were parted and her eyes in slits. She wondered if she was enjoying it, she wondered if she was bothered. "How does it feel?" Sara asked again but Tegan truly couldn't answer because yes it felt super good and she was for sure going to come. Therefore she moaned and that was one loud moan that left Sara giggling and caused her to increase her action. "I'll take that as a yes." She held onto Sara's leg. Her short nails scratched the flesh on Sara's stomach. Eyes struggling to stay parted and lungs wheezing for air.

The sensual sensation within their intimate situation, enfolding each other in such a way their scents mingled and mixed with one another, lost within their desire and lingering lust. Tegan could feel it all. Sara might hadn't been into it as much but Tegan was. And simply put, it was fucking amazing. She felt all of her on top of Sara. She felt all of Sara connected with her. She felt their seeping excitement and the evidence of their love crawling beneath their slits and staining the mattress. She felt Sara's rosy folds and she felt Sara's clit dancing with her own. Each time she touched it a jolt electrified her brain and drove the sanity out of it. Sara's breasts swayed and hers did so too. She couldn't reach for Sara's so she held on her own. Kneading and squeezing and in that bright moment of august enlightenment she could fully understand why Sara adored her ample bosom. The voices filled her ear as she played with her own nipple, shifting her twirling from one breast to the other, giving a squeeze to the red-stained buds. She smiled when she recalled Sara's smeared lips, opening her eyes to watch her lover with gawking libidinous irises connected at her breasts. She smiled at Sara and Sara licked her lower lip.

"Oh God." She exhaled and threw her head to the back. It was a hard position and it did take her sometime and she was getting there but she needed something more to get her there. Her hips maddeningly ached, especially the bruised one but she wasn't going to stop. Sara's breathing also became heavy and her lips were bitten, which she considered as a good sign. "Oh, Sara. Oh, God, oh God." Sara's lips parted and a smile was sent Tegan's way as she chanted the Lord's name along with Sara's. She whimpered and she moaned and the rocking increased. Sara's cunt felt so great, so fucking great and so soft against hers. She wondered, if they haven't shaved would it feel the same? Would it feel as soft and slick to rub their pussies together? Would she feel every small detail of Sara's folds encircling around her own and sticking there until she forced them apart only to return after half a second? She really didn't know but she was glad both have rid themselves off the hair and she was glad Sara allowed her such a feeling even though Sara didn't feel it the way she did. "Sara, I love you." And she was going to declare her love in that intimate moment to show her appreciation for her lover. "Oh Sara." She chanted again and honestly, she could cry because she's really close and Sara held her so well. "I'm close."

"Come on me, baby." Sara encouraged with a low voice. "I want to feel your come on my pussy." Sara's words were dangerous because they were helping her reach her high. "Your pussy feels the best on mine. The best I've ever had." She was very positive Sara intended on using these words because they both knew Sara's words helped her climax approach in such magical ways. "Gosh, I wish you'd squirt on my cunt."

"Fuck, Oh my God." She screamed. "Sara, Oh my God." She chanted and she came. Eyes tightly shut, she felt her core emptying her juices on Sara. Sara's words were bullets which fired at the very right time, they hit the proper spot. "Ohhh." She soughed, collapsing beside her lover. Eyes still closed and chest rising up and falling down, knees bent and parted. "I think I'm gonna faint." Frankly dizzy she felt, her head was spinning, and her vision blurry.

Sara pecked her lips and she heard her soft giggles ringing in her ears. "Is it really that good? You're the only girl who came while doing that with me."

She opened her watering eyes and looked at her lover's flushed face. "You didn't come?" She panted.

"No. But that was so much better than any time I've tried to do that." Sara's ears grew rosy and warm, Tegan reached for the one beside her lips and nibbled at it.

"I don't know how many times you've tried to do it and with who, but trust me next time I'm gonna make you come. I will do it and you will love it." She purred and Sara's skin brightened in colour.

The older woman sat up. She shook her head as she smiled to herself. "I taught you how to dirty talk." She chuckled to herself. Tegan watched as her hand reached between her spread thighs, her eyes looked down there and it appeared that her lover was content with the results she left just moments ago. "That's pretty good." Sara said but Tegan could not follow. "That's exactly what I wanted." Her hand flew to Tegan's eyes and she viewed the evidence of their mingled juices on Sara's fingers. Sara crawled to the edge of the bed and stood up. "Damn, love," She followed the older woman's gaze and immediately realized it was on her vulva. "Your cunt is a mess. I would really like to clean that up but I want us to try something, okay?" She bit her lower lip. And it's not like Tegan could take anymore action down there in such a short time, and so she waited for Sara to reveal what she had in mind.

She managed sitting up and reaching for her hair tie on the bedside table. Her dark locks coated in sweat and water. It was bugging her all through her previous sexual intercourse with Sara. She wanted no stray hairs on her face and so she tied it up in a small ponytail while she watched Sara fish through her closet.

Tegan's eyes widened and for a moment she forgot how to breathe when she saw what's in Sara's hands. Sara grinned but Tegan was merely speechless. "I actually bought it today. After driving Stacy." Tegan looked at the black leather harness in one hand, but mostly focused on the nude coloured dildo in Sara's other hand. It disturbingly looked a lot like a real penis. The shaft thick and a bit curved, detailed with fake veins. Oh no, that's not going inside of her. That phallus seemed thick and big and it was really long, she wanted to throw up because her nerves were slowly getting to her. "Uh...you don't look..." Sara walked to the bed. That thing still in her hand. "Tegan, does this terrify you?" Well shit, she's lifting it in her face. It was so huge. "You're so pale, fuck." And why was her lover finding it amusing? Why was she laughing? "It doesn't bite." She fucking moved it again near her face.

She squealed when she felt the silicone on her thigh, closing her legs and receiving more laughter from Sara who faced her on the mattress. "Relax." Sara kissed her forehead. "I'm not crazy enough to use this on you the first time ever. Unless you want it, but from the look on your face I can tell it's anything but that."

"It's really big." She could speak. She could still speak. She thought she lost her ability to do that but good heavens, she could still speak. "And it looks so real." Her eyes widened while she spoke.

"Yup." Sara said, setting the dildo and the harness on the bed beside them. "You're disgusted by it? Does it really disgust you?"

"I don't know."_ Yes, just a tad_. But she didn't want to tell Sara that. _It just looks too real._ "You want me to use it on you?" Sara nodded. "I don't know how to..." She really didn't wanna disappoint Sara. She's exhausted, her hips ached, and she simply wouldn't really know what to do with that thing. Could she even control it dangling from her crotch? Could it even fit Sara? Her hole was way tighter. How was she going to fit that in there?

"It's okay. I'm going to do the work. I just want you to wear it and sit like that and I will..." Sara's hand moved up and down and Tegan's eyes opened up again. Sara giggled. "You're so overwhelmed, aren't you?" Tegan nodded. "Do you wanna do that?" Sara bit her lower lip.

It's clearly Sara was very eager to do that. She didn't want to disappoint her. She didn't want to make their sex short and basic. She wanted to do what Sara wanted and there was no harm in her wearing that thing and Sara sitting on it. In fact it could be such an enjoyable experience and she could like it.

After she assured Sara that she wanted to do it, Sara made her touch the phallus. She cupped her hand and they both took the dildo and felt its texture. It's soft unlike the way it looked and a bit cold. Sara reached between Tegan's thighs and scooped some of the wetness rubbing it on the enlarged head, similar to a real penis. Tegan couldn't touch that part at all. It looked the realest part of them. But Sara touched it and lubricated it with their mingled fluids. "It's not really big, by the way." Sara explained. "I had bigger." She raised one eyebrow. "From actual men." Tegan wanted her to stop but she didn't say anything. "It's just eight inches." And that's not big to Sara, as it seemed. But it was to Tegan. "Can you hold it and sit up on your knees?" She held the length...with the tip of her fingers. Sara reached for the harness. "I haven't done that in a long time. Haven't had something like that in me. I'm a bit nervous."

"Imagine how I feel." Tegan allowed some of her hidden thoughts out. Sara looked up at her while strapping the black leather on her waist. "Will that even fit in you, Sara? You're really tight right now."

Sara laughed just a bit. "It will, don't worry." She reached for the dildo and attached it where it supposed to sit. Her crotch was apparent through the straps between her thighs, it felt strange. "Don't be nervous. Just look at me if the scene disturbs you. And we won't do it next time if it is too much. Just this time? I really need to do this."

"No, no." Tegan cupped her chin and made the older woman look at her. "I wanna do it too. I really do. I even wanna feel it." She looked down again at her erection. "Just...let's try to get something less realistic-looking next time? And a bit smaller if you're going to use it on me? Ya?"

Sara's hand moved up and down on the phallus. They kissed and Tegan ended up sitting on the bed with her head on the headboard. Sara standing between her closed legs and_ that thing_ pointing upward on Tegan's crotch. Tegan had never really seen a naked man and a part of her was perfectly satisfied with that. Looking back at her teenage years, she didn't know how she hadn't really recognized her sexuality. She didn't feel comfortable in male genitalia in her face. When she wanted to date James or be with a man, she hadn't really thought about that part. The intercourse part. What if she had went through it and dated a man, they had sex and she was still denying her discomfort? She's just glad that she had Sara and Sara's beautiful body is what she craved. Sara's feminine curves is what she longed to see and touch.

She looked up and watched Sara lowering herself slowly. Sara held her shoulder and held the dildo at her entrance. Tegan's eyes didn't leave the sight. Sara's hand was shaky and it astonished her, she looked up and found Sara's eyes closed, sweat trailing down her brow. She held onto Sara's shoulder as well when she watched the very slow movement of the dildo going inside of her. She heard Sara's sharp breath, she felt Sara's squeeze on her flesh, she watched Sara's lips wrap around the shaft as it went all the way inside. And for sometime, Sara sat there, on her lap, with legs on both sides and closed eyes. "Sara?" She whispered and Sara hummed, opening her eyes and smiling. God, her eyes looked so warm and sincere. "Why aren't you moving?" She didn't wanna sound stupid, but Sara was not moving.

"Just getting used to the feeling. It feels good...but not as it used to be." She began to move slowly. Both hands on Tegan's shoulder and hips moving up carefully.

"Is it really uncomfortable? Do you want us to stop?" She wasn't even doing anything yet but being leverage for her lover.

"No. It's fine. I'll get used to it."

The spectacular sight of Sara's pussy engulfing the dildo was eye-watering. It was charming, it was exceedingly hot, it was so fucking gorgeous and then Tegan realized that she really was enjoying watching Sara moving with hard but slow thrusts up and down. And maybe the mirth she felt was also due to the base hitting her sensitive clit and lighting up the fire down there again. She held Sara's hips and helped Sara with the work soon after. Moving her body to meet Sara halfway through every thrust. Sara's moans became audible and her eyes were soon closed and again, her head back. Sara hissed when Tegan began to thrust harder, getting into the harmony. "God." Sara used the words she was using minutes ago but her lovely voice was very feminine and euphonic.

With awe and reverence to whoever helped nature to create the angel in front of her, Tegan's pupils moved in admiration past the ivory skin swaying above her, exceptionally picturesque and abnormally beautiful. Yes, that was the word Tegan was looking for. Beautiful. Very very beautiful. In a way that beauty had never witnessed. Sara's taut stomach and moving tits could be described as that. Especially the way they swayed. How beautiful was Sara, how beautiful was her body. How beautiful the act they were making.

They were making love. As simple as that. And Sara's sweet sounds were the bells announcing their innocent amour. They were no typical paramours, they were not faulty, they were in no wrong. They were lovers and cruel was the world for making them hide such a relationship even though it was anything but wrong. Only two more years and they could finally love in silence and love in screaming crowds. Only two more years everyone around her could know that she wakes up to the most beautiful human being angels had touched. Only two more years and she'd let all know that she makes love to that beauteous woman and she's more than happy to be with her.

She really wished she could feel Sara's deep insides. Her clenching walls and her slick wetness. She wondered how far the toy went. Pretty far for sure, it probably touched Sara's spots and hit where she wanted the most. Sara's clit was abandoned, however. Tegan liked to touch it and give Sara even more excitement down there. She rubbed on the hood with her thumb and when Sara let out a surprised scream, they ended up holding each other with Sara's head on her shoulder, and arms wrapped around her. She rotated the button and heard Sara's cries on her flesh. Sara didn't chant her name the way she had chanted hers just a few minutes ago but Sara's nails were abusing her skin and she was sure Sara was biting on her bony shoulder each now and then. She wanted to look into her eyes but she didn't want to disturb the way her lover came undone and curled in such a sweet way on her body. She felt as she's Sara's protector and she played her role right in driving Sara to the orgasm she wanted.

When the rhythm of their movement slowed down and came to a stop, Sara did not let go right away. She waited and she breathed sharply on Tegan's poor shoulder.

Sara went stark silent. Did her girlfriend get a heart attack? Was she alive? Tegan shook her body and made her look into her eyes. She's alive. Tegan sighed. "Are you okay?" Sara's flushed face did not seem that okay but she nodded, lifting her body and falling beside Tegan. "Are you sure you're okay?" Sara's hand clutched her lower abdomen.

"Yes, I'm fine." She shut her legs tightly. "That was so good. So fucking good I could cry."_ Yes...She's okay_. Tegan could breathe.

She didn't know how much they stayed there lying on Sara's bed but the toy glistening with fluids was bugging the shit out of her and she couldn't stop looking at it each time she looked down. She left the bed with Sara on it and walked to the mirror, eventually. She stared at herself upside down and laughed at the combination of round breasts and scarily realistic dildo. With her hair tied and her jaw clenched, she looked like a handsome mister. If her friend saw that she'd laugh as well. They would laugh together. But what if her mother knew she did that? She would be disappointed, maybe? But that's what couples did. Her mother shouldn't be concerned. Her mother shouldn't even know she did that..

Moments later Sara walked up to her with a lazy smile and they stood there scanning their bodies in the mirror. She saw Sara staring at the toy and she thought Sara was going to take it off when she bent down facing the pointing phallus.

But Sara's lips were quickly and with no warning wrapped around the tip. Eyes devilish and looking up at Tegan, who was in a whole new level of shock. Sara moved the toy inside and out and pushed down till she gagged on it. She moved her hand near the base and each time she pulled it in and dragged it out, it sent a kick to Tegan's clit until the younger woman started moaning each time Sara repeated her actions till her throat couldn't take it no more. She slipped the wet toy out of her mouth with a trail of her saliva disconnecting when her balled up fist wiped the evidence upon her lips. "That's so heterosexual." Tegan breathed and Sara looked panicked for a moment. "But it was so fucking hot." Sara smiled. "Now please take that thing off. I'm really close."

"Little Tee Tee wearing a cock full of my come. That's so cute." Apparently Sara hadn't intentions to tone down her crude words.

"You're so vulgar." She was freed off the toy and the leather straps and finally her area was exposed, but the gentle breeze did really help with the stimulation and it made her want something more so she could come for the second time.

"You love me that way." Sara turned her around after throwing the toy on the bed. They looked in the mirror and Sara looked at her body. "You said you're close. I want you to touch yourself." Confidently, Sara asked.

She had touched herself many times before but never with Sara around her and she hadn't done that since before she and Sara had gotten together. Sara had no problem in touching herself in front of her, but Tegan certainly felt coy to even watch Sara do that, so she didn't imagine herself doing it out in the open in front of her lover. Her shoulder moved up to protest but Sara insisted, "I want you to feel comfortable with your body. I want you to explore it. You have such a beautiful body. Look at it." Sara palmed her belly and stood behind her. Her head leaning on Tegan's shoulder as the student pouted. "There's nothing wrong with you touching yourself. I want you to love your body and feel how beautiful it is. I want you to finger yourself and feel inside. Feel how good it is there." She had been inside Sara before, how different could it be, anyway?

"I..." She didn't know what to say. "It's embarrassing."

"Why?" Sara knotted her eyebrows. "It's not at all. You've seen me do it. Don't be scared. I'll help you out. Have you ever touched yourself at all?"

"I have." She blushed. "Just...didn't finger myself." Sara's palm crawled to her breast and rested there without putting pressure.

Sara kissed her shoulder softly. It was the bruised one. "Look how beautiful your body is. Gorgeous breasts. So full and they're perky. Why do you feel bad about them? They're anything but bad looking." She smiled at Sara's sensual compliments. "And look down there." Sara chuckled and led her hand where Tegan's thighs were slightly parted. She helped her part them a bit more and opened her lips. Tegan's breath hitched as they both stared at her mound through the mirror. "You have a really cute cunt." Sara whispered. Tegan's face burned with heat. Sara was never gonna make her stop blushing. It was never going to happen. "Nice and pink." Sara moaned in her ears. "And really tight." Tegan whimpered. "Why don't you try to go inside?"

Sara's hammering words eventually led her to masturbate in front of the mirror and in front of her woman. Sara solely supported her frame from behind and looked at her with hungry eyes but did nothing more while her index circled her clit. It's a good thing while she masturbated she could control her noises, because only when Sara touched her she was loud. When she touched herself she was able to know where to push and how much to push without it being overboard, but at the same time that wasn't as satisfying as Sara's surprising offers which were the cause of her nirvana when she came each time. "Push inside."

Sara held one breast and helped her when she pushed two of her fingers inside her awaiting hole. Her eyes flew open when she felt the pressure restricting her digits and Sara grinned nodding her head. "See? you're really tight." Tegan bit her lower lip and pushed inside the best she could. It was very warm and very soft inside there. A bit different than being inside Sara. "It feels good, right?" She nodded. Sara played with her nipple and she played with the other one. Her digits moved and curled inside of her but she couldn't go very fast because she was losing her balance.

Sara quickly felt it and made them sit down on the carpeted floor. With no more bashfulness, she spread her legs apart and resumed her action. She sat between Sara's opened legs and she smiled with a bitten lip each time their eyes connected through the reflecting glass.

"I love you, Ms. Rain." Sara whispered in her ear and all she could do was smile to show her that she loved her too. She loved her so fucking much. "Push one more finger inside?" Another whisper with a hopeful tone resonated in her ear and gladly, she obeyed without a second thought, pulling out to add a third digit.

Sara helped her push her digits inside when she struggled at first, feeling the pressure of her walls greater that time around. But it did not take her too long to come and even though it was her own handiwork, it still was one of the best orgasms she'd had and she loved it so much, especially because Sara showered her shoulder with kisses the moment she was panting for air and her lower abdomen was cramping in new ways.

They rested there for a while. For a long time actually. Both naked. She's sitting between Sara's legs. Her head on Sara's chest and her torso embraced by Sara's arms. "Are you hungry? Sara asked.

"Just a bit, yes." But she was in fact starving.

"Can you get up and wash up so we could prepare something to eat or you just wanna stay like that?"

"Yah. I can." Tegan breathed. "Help me out."

"Sure."

**...**

**May 3rd, 2043**

As I said, Diana and I dated for two years. And two years I've forgotten about Sara. Two years, I didn't cry myself to sleep. Two years, I've made those around me happy. My mother was the happiest that I finally found a decent woman who as well carried herself mentally, physically, and financially well. I was happy and guess what? I actually did see a future in us. But everytime I plan for a damn future something is bound to happen.

Adam Clement appeared at my office one day. He was the new employee. And knowing I've heard that name somewhere, I had to look into it. If it wasn't for the name, then these eyes. The way his smile made me stay up all night with a sleeping Diana by my side. It didn't take me but three months and I was head over heels. I was in love with Adam because I thought that God had sent me a replacement for Sara once again. I thought the creator wanted me to repent. I thought he had given me a second chance. Only later did I know that it was only a punishment for what I have done. A punishment I have carried with me till the previous week when I finally filed for divorce from my husband whom I stayed with for twenty-three years and had two daughters from. Finally, I am free from what chained me to the past. Finally, I am free from that punishment that I thought I would never escape. And finally, I know that nobody ever can replace the woman who put my heart on fire. Nobody can ever replace Sara.


	27. Melancholy

**Chapter 26: Melancholia.**

**May 3rd, 2043**

Time is almost up, darling. Oh no, I am not going now. I'm not leaving till I finish my story. Not much left, really. Yes, yes I am waiting for someone. I wanted to enjoy the serenity of the calming spring air before I speak with her. You know, just to calm my nerves. Just to get ready. Coffee doesn't really do a thing but plants stress inside of me. But speaking to you is relieving, letting it all out of my system, you know. Thank you for listening. Nobody listens. They think me mad, they see me as a liar. Only Jeremy knows the truth. I told you Emily is gone, with my secrets buried deep inside her heart. But Jeremy is still my friend. Oh no, no, we are not going to get together. I filed for divorce because I am a lesbian and I always was. But I tricked my mind, my heart, myself. I did not respect who I am as a human. I did not value my identity and who I really am. But now I know better. I'm old, I'm wise. I am letting the poison escape my system and things are clearing in front of my eyes as I let them unravel.

I did not sleep with Jeremy because I loved him. I did it because...I don't know why I have done it. I honestly don't know. There is just no reason. I was hurt, he was there, I was crying, he loved me, he wanted me, I took what I could get. I needed the love I was offered. I took it for granted because I didn't know better. Regret stabbed me deep, and I couldn't let my mind rest and forget in anyway but by taking candy from a stranger. I love Jeremy as my dearest friend who did not leave me one single moment. Even when I was in labour, he held my hand when my husband was somewhere with one of his whores. He's a good friend to my daughters. Sometimes I suspect they like him better than they like their father or myself. It is probably because he's the one who always said yes when we said no. He's the good uncle, he's the best friend, but he is certainly not a lover.

**...**

**March, 2014**

What a rough night it was for Tegan. Doubt and worry. They troubled her head all through the damn night while the soft cries of her lover reverberated in her ears in the darkness of the room. They came from the bathroom. Suffocated and pained, they pained her and she couldn't do anything about it but add her own mournful tune. Her lover was hurt, deeply hurt, and even though she was assured she was not the cause of it, she couldn't help but feel guilty of the result.

Sara thought Tegan was asleep when she left to the bathroom and poured her heart out. Tegan heard Sara cry and she feared walking there to calm her down. She had never felt that she's a bad person as much as she did each time Sara chocked a sob only for it to come out sonorous and orotund without her intentions. She didn't know why Sara was crying, she didn't know what was happening. But she felt it, it was there. It was the sense of something ending. But what was the ending anyway? What was the thing that's ending?

Maybe they shouldn't have done that. It was her fault. No denying, she's the reason her lover was weeping. She shouldn't have asked her to use the toy the second time. But Sara allowed her to do so anyway, so maybe it's not her fault. But was Sara crying because of that? That could be the only explanation.

She was on top of Sara and they were kissing while she was pushing into her in great force. The soft moans were suddenly loud cries, Sara cursed her name, and she enjoyed hearing that sound. Sara then squeezed her hand and scratched her skin. Sara's breathing was way too heavy and Tegan relished watching the scene once again directed in front of her.

"Tegan." Her lover breathed and she smiled, pushing hard and fast.

"Ya. When are you gonna come?" Sara had her eyes opened and her palm resting atop of her forehead.

"I want you to stop, Tegan." Sara calmly and simply said.

Tegan slowed down, but did not stop. "Why?" The shrieking panic of her practice being badly done hastily covered her features, turning them into a frightened pale state of shock. "Am I doing it wrong? Oh God." And she pulled out with such speed that Sara screamed and covered her eyes. "I'm that bad?" Words turned into tears, her waterfalls ran, and Sara did not reply for some minutes. Sara's legs were tightly shut and her eyes were covered with her hands.

Tegan suddenly felt so stupid wearing the humongous cock. She rid herself of it and threw it on the ground. "I'm so sorry I hurt you." She said while sobbing.

But Sara shook her head and uncovered her tired eyes, her face flushed and her features knackered. "You were really good. I'm so sorry, Tegan." Sara took a breath. "It's something in me. I don't know what happened. Whenever you touch my cervix it hurts me so bad. I guess...it's because of the surgery, I don't know." Her lover was shaking and her words were unclear. Her fear was present, and Tegan couldn't do anything about it.

"I think you should go to the doctor."

Sara chuckled and rolled her eyes post hearing the suggestion. "I am fine, Tegan. I'm pretty sure I'm fine. The doctors all said I healed. I think the outcome was uncomfortable sex, maybe. I'm so sorry." Sara kept apologizing.

"But it wasn't bad the first time, right?" She used her elbow to give her support as she rested on her side beside Sara.

"No, it was amazing. There was slight pain, but not as much. Maybe I shouldn't do that more than once a day...ya...maybe that's the case."

Nothing happened and no words were said after that. It was one awful night, the worst she had ever spent with Sara. They changed into their pajamas, they brushed their teeth, and then they fell asleep. Except none of the two really fell asleep. Not one second Tegan's eyes were shut, not one second her mind rested and departed to unconsciousness. She felt it when Sara left after what seemed like a long time of lying there on the cold mattress, beneath the stupid quilt that kept no skin warm. She also heard the water from the shower, even though Sara's weeping was way louder than the drops coming out of the shower head. Lastly, she heard when Sara returned and joined her once again. She easily figured out that not even her lover had fallen asleep due to the posture she had taken on the mattress. Sara wasn't taking up the whole space, she wasn't breathing with a whiz, she wasn't moving and softly whispering in her slumber the way she usually did. Sara was not asleep.

"Good morning." The sweet melancholy voice disrupted her pensive thoughts. She looked at the bathroom's door just to be greeted by bloodshot-eyed Sara.

When she decided to leave the bed and walk to the bathroom, Sara was still on her own side of the mattress, eyes tightly shut, but mind wide open. Tegan looked at Sara for several seconds, wondering if the older woman was going to sense her heavy gaze. When no force were to cause Sara to open her eyes, Tegan walked to the bathroom. She decided to dye her hair, she had enough time, she had so much time, it was only five in the morning. Tegan struggled with the process, she had never done it alone, Emy always helped her to reach the back of her head. Tegan made a mess on the tile, the sink, and even the mirror. She cursed under her breath each time the black colour would drip on her exposed shoulder or her white sports bra.

Then Sara appeared at the door, and both of them just stood there staring at each other with void of emotions. She gave a nod at Sara and proceeded with her work. Both of them knew too well that they hadn't slept because of the other, and both of them preferred to let it go and act as if the sad night had not occurred.

"Let me help you." Tegan looked back at her once again. Sara walked inside and took the equipment from Tegan's hands. From the mirror, Tegan watched as Sara dipped the brush in the bowl she had mixed the two tubes of colour and oxygen inside. Sara parted her hair the way it should be parted and dyed each lock the way it should be dyed with much care and good effort. She paid extra attention to the roots, and she didn't let any drop fly here and there to stain her bathroom.

When they were done, Sara turned her around, and with a wet tissue, she erased the smeared colour on Tegan's face and shoulders. "I'm sorry about yesterday." She whispered, looking at Tegan directly in the eye. "I'll make it up to you."

"Stop apologizing." She had to wait for about twenty minutes till she could rinse her hair off. "It's not your fault. I'm not angry."

"You seem like you are angry." She decided she'd take a shower, but she still had to wait.

"I am only worried." She voiced her concern, and her lover nodded.

"I am perfectly fine right now. There's no pain." Tegan sat on the closed toilet seat and sighed. Sara was lying and she knew it, because she herself could feel the ache between her thighs whenever she moved. And when she sat, she winced because her bones were aching too. So what about Sara who felt the pain deep down in a place Tegan had reached and caused her mysterious pain that she assumed normal? It's not like it happened for the first time, it happened a lot. It happened many times in the past, but all those times Sara was able to take the pain and discomfort until the previous night.

She looked up at Sara who stood there with her thin bones and her pale complexion. "I will go to the doctor today." Her attention was quickly caught. "Just to assure you. But trust me, I am perfectly fine."

"Better safe than sorry, Sara. That's what my mother always says." She remembered when she was only ten and her mother would drive her to the dentist. Tegan used to protest saying her teeth didn't ache and they were good. Her mother used to use that saying. They would go to the dentist and they would be assured that Tegan had perfect teeth for a child whose favourite nourishment was candy. When they'd leave, her mother would purchase her favourite chocolate for being a good kid and brushing her teeth after every meal. As a grown up, her teeth were in bad shape, they were turning yellow due to her coffee consumption, and she didn't brush her teeth more than two times a day. Sometimes she would even forget doing so before falling asleep.

"You can ask your mother about it. Isn't she a gynecologist? She probably knows."

"I am not asking my mother about that." What would she say anyway? She wouldn't even be able to tell her about it without exposing herself. That was such a private thing she and Sara shared and she wouldn't even be able to tell anybody about it. Tegan is a shy girl, she and her mother rarely spoke about such stuff, about sex, and these matters of the female anatomy. Her mother always said that patients' stories were meant to remain a secret and not discussed with anybody. So why would she even discuss what's the matter with Sara with her mother? Her mother would ask many questions, and Tegan knew herself very well, she couldn't hide it that much, especially since her mother was already after her with the whole secret relationship.

"Then google it." Sara shrugged.

"Why don't you just want to go to the damn doctor? Why are you making excuses?" She didn't mean to do so, but she snapped. Her lover took a step back, a bit startled. "I'm sorry." She looked at the floor. "I get worried." Tegan whispered.

"I'm glad you do." Sara left the bathroom after her deep voice uttered that sentence. Tegan stayed in the bathroom and showered. She knew that Sara ran out only to cry, it became easy to know when Sara was going to cry. It's funny how things have changed in a matter of weeks. She was crying and being scolded about her easy tears only a week before, but then Sara was the one with the tears speeding out of her coppery eyes, dimming them, killing their lively beauty, making them darken, making them like Tegan's own eyes, with dark bags covering them all the time.

Then Tegan left the bathroom with wet hair and fresh clothes to start her Monday. She paced towards the kitchen, and Sara was there on a table filled with food and a coffee pot. Her eyes were red but no teardrops stained her cheeks. They ate in silence, they didn't say but one thing. Sara asked whether her student cleaned the bathroom from the hair dye, and Tegan told her that she did. They didn't say much anymore. What do they need of speech anyway since speech was just a habit to fulfill empty minds? Both of their minds were not empty. Plus, Sara's soft sipping from her mug was the only conversation Tegan needed that morning. One normal thing in that morning, the sound of steaming liquid being consumed by careful lips, that's what Tegan needed to hear to be assured that things were still as ordinary and as normal as possible.

Sara gathered the oily dishes with no more omelets on top back to the sink. She poured herself another cup of coffee while Tegan offered to do the dishes. "Wash them well. They're greasy." Sara asked and then went back to her room.

When Tegan joined her in there, she was casually sitting on her bed, but on Tegan's side. Her coffee on Tegan's bedside table, right beside Tegan's fully charged phone. The student didn't question it, but she stared at her professor for a whole minute, who stared back at her with an indecipherable blank face. Tegan had to hurry to her class in only half an hour, but Sara didn't have to because she only started giving lectures at two in the afternoon on Mondays.

Tegan had to do something to her hair, maybe blowdry it, but she was very lazy. It was always so hard to control her locks, even though they weren't that long. She was simply a lazy person.

She walked to the bathroom where the blowdryer was, and to her surprise, Sara followed, with her arms resting on the door frame. "Can I use your concealer?" Sara bit her lip. "And the eyeliner?"

Tegan plugged the hairdryer in and softly chuckled. "Of course you can. You don't have to ask me that." Sara pursed her lips and walked inside, standing next to Tegan who already began to blowdry her wet locks. Sara looked in the mirror and reached for the concealer, which resembled a nude lipstick in its shape and type. Tegan decided she'd tie her hair since she was too lazy to straighten it. She watched as Sara did a better job with the minimal amount of make up than she could ever do, her lips parted at the good line of eyeliner on each lid that Tegan always dreamed of perfecting in little effort or time without having one eye looking different than the other. "You're good at this." Tegan commented and her lover smiled. "Can I ask why you're using make up?"

"I don't want people to see me with tired eyes." The dark eyeliner on the top lids made Sara's eyes sparkle and twinkle, it made the honey spheres transform to a shade of light green. "I didn't...uh...get much sleep last night." But both of them knew why Sara's eyes seemed so weary, and it wasn't the lack of sleep alone.

"Isn't it too early for you to go to the university? You have a meeting?" Tegan toyed with her hair. Maybe she should stop dyeing it for a while, it's making it really frizzy the more she dyed it.

"I told you I'm going to the doctor. I don't wanna stay and wait in line for a long time, so I figured I'll go early since I don't have an appointment." Tegan didn't say anything after. She didn't want to go back into the same discussion. She preferred her mouth shut even though Sara continued staring at her with wandering eyes. Perhaps Sara was waiting for an answer, a pat on the shoulder, a clap of a hand. But Tegan didn't give any, and she didn't even smile. She didn't nod her head, she remained quiet, only because she knew how much it made Sara upset when she couldn't read her mind. Maybe two could play that game, she thought. "Let me curl your hair. It will look good." Sara suggested. "I'll go grab the curling wand."

Sara curled each lock with delicacy, and it kind of felt strange, but at the same time it felt affectionate. She watched as her hair grew bigger each moment till her locks looked shiny and healthy once again. It was a new thing, something she hadn't done, never thought of doing even though she's used to the scene of Sara curling her small fringe each morning, which she proceeded on doing right after she finished Tegan off. "Thank you." Tegan looked at her eyeliner, maybe she should finish her look with it. "It looks really good." She chuckled. "I look really girly." She giggled for a bit and Sara joined her.

"Me too." Sara winked at her and she felt the ice slowly breaking. "I have make up on."

"You look beautiful." She voiced what was in her mind the whole time, even though she promised she wouldn't allow Sara hear a pinch of it, only because she felt angry at Sara's behaviour.

"Thank you." Sara blushed, just like the usual way Sara took compliments, and that's how Tegan was reassured that everything was normal.

Class after class, an angry friend, and another green with envy. An upset parent, a worried sibling, and a poor grade to add to the scornful morning. Strangers lurking behind old trees, whispering in hushed tones and murmuring in voices resembling the birds in the morning. Some held their cigarettes, some kicked the dirt with the soles of their shoes, and some tried to read the carved memories of past students on the wooden trunk of the trees. Tegan attempted to read one of the written symbols one time, she only understood the two initials and the heart between them. It was a very cheesy move, lovers in middle school used to do that in their notebook. Actually, little girls in elementary school used to do that, not even teenagers. She chuckled and she ignored the rest of the words, never bothering to read what's written there anymore. Those trees had witnessed more strangers than any person ever will. She had never thought about it, but what if that heart and the two initials belonged to persons from the seventies? Way before she was born? What if that's how love was to them back then? Simple and sweet, measured by a carved heart on wood? It could be possible, anything is possible in this life. And Tegan had reached this conclusion not so long ago. Anything was possible, because she was with Sara, and nobody thought that was possible.

A group of girls passed Tegan and gathered only few steps near her standing figure. They were laughing with lots of noise, each of them held the same thing Tegan had between her lips. It was that damned white stick. "Hey Rain, got a lighter?" She was addressed by a woman who looked roughly androgynous, and she was dreadfully surprised at the mention of her name. How did that woman know her? "You're Tegan Rain? Emy's best friend?" The same woman asked, and then it hit Tegan that it must be one of the girls Emy slept with for her own fun. She should have known it was the group of lesbians which her best friend always wished to hang out with instead of her lying, scheming, and annoying self. Tegan nodded and passed the lighter to the stranger, watching as she lit her cigarette first then passed it to another. Her blue lighter was passed around the five girls and it finally ended with the one who had the sweetest features of them, yet she decided to cover her hair with a snapback. She handed the object back to Tegan with a shy _'thanks'_, which made Tegan smile for the first time that morning. The woman had such a sweet and feminine voice, much like her girlfriend's, unlike the first woman who called her name and asked for the lighter.

Eventually, the group of girls walked through the door only steps away from Tegan, they went to their classes and Tegan remained there, still in the act of smoking, thinking, and over-stressing. Her friends didn't want to be around her and maybe she deserved it. Their advices were harsh, and their warnings were dangerously alarming. Her mother, on the other hand, didn't want to speak to her because she was sure more than ever that Tegan was hiding something. Her brother called, as usual, an order from her mother, and he asked about her health and well being, but both of them knew too well that Ted wanted to fish the news out of Tegan:_ who are you dating?_ He didn't ask it directly but he implied at it. "So are you seeing anyone?" Or maybe he asked, yes that sounded like a question.

"Not really." Simply, Tegan lied.

"How come? Aren't you bored of being alone? I think you should date. It's healthier." Smooth enough to cover his prying scheme, and smart enough to get her to slip. But she didn't do that.

"That's none of your business." She replied.

"Whoa. Since when did you speak like that? What happened to you?"

"Tell mom to have a better spy next time since you suck." She paused. "Also tell her that's none of anybody's business whether I'm seeing someone or not. And she won't get to know about it since that's how she prefers to find out." She shouted, and with a thumping heart, and a clenched fist, she decided she'd shut the phone and save herself the embarrassment of being watched by passing strangers in the halls.

"Ms. Rain?" Once again, just like the early morning, her favourite tune awakened her senses and took her back to reality. She looked behind her and smiled at her professor who stood just near the back door of her faculty. "What are you doing here? Don't you have a class?"

Tegan shook her head and smiled. Out of respect to the woman standing near, she threw her cigarette on the dirty ground and stepped on it. "I don't." When she left the apartment that morning, Sara was still in her pajamas, she told her she would leave just a little bit after.

Sara was clad in an attire that caused her to look so handsome. It took Tegan's breath away to watch the white button up tucked neatly beneath the high-waisted blue pants, adorned with a thin brown belt. As much as she adored when her lover appeared feminine, there was always this charming luster when she offered bits of androgyny.

"Why are you alone? Is everything alright?" Wasn't her lover supposed to be careful? She was not at all. Any professor could pass by at any moment. Students passed by now and then and stood behind them and near them and all around. True, it seemed nothing but an innocent talk between a professor and her student, they weren't standing in each other's spaces, steps were between them, but with the rumours directed towards Sara each now and then, she wouldn't want to cause much suspicions at all, not when once she was involved in those rumours herself.

Tegan shook her head. "Just had a tough morning. Friends are angry, mother being a bitch, really fucked up my Short Story midterm." She failed her midterm, actually. And they both knew it was partly Sara's fault for distracting her from studying. She'd been receiving her papers back for the tests since the past week and no grade satisfied her standards, but she never thought she would actually fail something she's so good at, simply due to lack of focus. She cried a little in the bathroom after she received her grade. She wondered how much Sara would give her in her midterm paper. Sara had corrected all the reports but she hadn't handed them out yet, she didn't allow Tegan to see or know her grade at all. She said something about wanting to be fair with the grades and go over them again, it scrupled Tegan and made her fear the outcome. If she got another bad grade, she really wouldn't handle it well, she never handled bad grades well, and just because she's seeing Sara, it wouldn't change a thing at all.

"I'm sorry." Maybe Sara apologized out of habit, maybe she did it because she was aware she's one to blame. "Tegan?" She called again. Tegan looked at her with teary eyes, threatening to lose their control and force the tears out. "I'll go to my office...follow me in five minutes?" When Sara asked her that, she looked all around her and said it in a whisper. Tegan nodded but she still hesitated, that was not a wise choice, and she could feel it in her heart that it wasn't a good thing to go up there to Sara's office and be around Sara in such a small room.

Nevertheless, she went up there. She took the same silent steps to where the offices of each professor were. She walked in the long halls and passed closed wooden doors with names of doctors on them. Then she reached Sara's office at the very end of the hall, on the left side, only a wall of white opposite to it. Her name well-written with her office hours beneath it. Tegan thought of entering the way she usually entered Sara's home with her own keys, but then she remembered that it was not Sara's small apartment, she hadn't keys for the door, and they were still in the university of lies and secrets, surrounded by shut doors of angry professors who would eagerly want to catch those more successful with an error to rejoice in their envy and malignance. And therefore, Tegan knocked twice on the door till she was told to come inside.

The sight struck her at first, Sara had redecorated her office. Her desk was what she was met with when she entered, the two leather sofas on each side of the room, the window behind Sara's seated figure. What mostly attracted her attention was the paintings on the wall. Tegan stared for a while at the three large painted tulips, two filled with red, and one remained unfinished. "I've done that myself." Sara beamed. "Only one left to finish. Do you like it?"

"I didn't know you paint." Tegan continued staring in awe.

"Just a small hobby. To clear my mind off things, you know." Sara's chair went from side to side as her small body sat in it. "Close the door and lock it, Tegan." She ordered with a whisper. "Make sure nobody is in the hall first." If Sara had in mind what Tegan's mind had just imagined, then that's a very dangerous and an unwise move to do. Very unsafe, severely unprofessional, if they were to be caught, both of their lives would be over. That's why Tegan hesitated until she was told again to do what Sara wanted her to do. How could someone be so fucking reckless? The only thing they both had was Sara's career, and if Tegan was going to give up her own after graduating to raise their planned child, then that meant they had to do everything to preserve Sara's occupation. "Sit down, Tegan. Let's talk for a bit." _Well, shit_. When somebody approached her that way, asking her to talk, she almost wet her pants due to the instant rush of fright that crept to her system

Tegan sat on the sofa, and good heavens, it was so damn comfortable she could fall asleep. She yawned immediately, and what the hell! Nobody could come in there, so she rested her legs and body on it. Her back was turned to Sara, who sat behind her desk, again, her usual coffee cup in her hand. "So tell me, what happened? Why the grumpy kitten face?" Tegan crooked her neck to take a peek with slitted eyelids at her girlfriend. She didn't look like that, how dare Sara say so?

Sara giggled, however. And the tune of her laughter was briefly followed by a tune coming from her computer, so soft and so relaxing. "I always listen to music in my office. So I'll just play it in case somebody passes by. You know, so we can talk in peace?" Maybe Sara hadn't in mind what Tegan thought she had. "Why don't you have a class, though?"

Tegan sighed and looked at the closed door again, ignoring Sara's hazel stars staring at the back of her head. "I was so suffocated, couldn't go to class." Tegan paused, Sara didn't answer. "It's really bad, Sara. I failed, I got thirteen out of thirty. I don't know what's happening, everything isn't in place." Sara hummed behind her. "My mother is really upset with me, I hate how much it matters to her to know what's going on in my life. It's not fair, she never cares what Ted is doing, she always cares about what I'm doing. I'm not a little girl."

"No, you're not." Sara added.

"And then...there's Emy, who's also really upset."

"Why so?"

"Because I'm not hanging out with her and Jeremy anymore?" It came out as a question, but it was reality. "It's also not fair, because since ever Lindsey got a boyfriend she ditched the shit out of them too."

"Jealousy." Sara added again.

"Yes." Tegan agreed. "And I don't even get why the fuck Jeremy is angry. He's supposed to be my friend, and yet he keeps saying I'm ruining my life with this relationship. He thinks he knows it all with his stupid advices. He keeps telling me this won't end well. It's like nobody wants me to be happy, Sara." And then she was crying.

Sara didn't answer for a few moments. "I don't get why your friend is saying that. Are you not happy with me?" Sara asked.

"Of course I am happy with you." And she truly was. Yes, they had their rough times, like the morning, maybe at that moment. Tegan got sad easily, Sara became angry quickly, but it's normal. And how could she not be happy when they had such an amazing sex the previous day? It was ruined at the end but that didn't count, she was still happy.

"Then we'll prove them wrong. Just ignore it." Maybe that's what she should be doing, to ignore them till they come around. One day she and Sara would be very happy, they would have a great family, and her friends wouldn't get to mock her or warn her or say anything, her mother wouldn't bother her, her brother wouldn't get to call her, because she and Sara would be so happy and would have a great relationship that the world can find out about. Yes, it was going to happen one day. Only soon was left. "And as for your mother, I think you two should talk quietly. Tell her you're dating, just don't tell her who it is."

"You don't know my mom, Sara." A small laugh left her lips, kind of like a chuckle, but filled with more sarcasm. "She's not an easy woman. Not at all."

"I wish I can help. I feel like everything is my fault."

Tegan's hand went to cover her head, it ached terribly. She wiped a couple of tears and listened to the soothing lyrics and the calm melody in the background. "It's not your fault." She whispered, even though a part of her told her that it was partially Sara's fault.

They stayed there for a while. Tegan listened to song after another, all from the eighties, which she was only familiar with a few. She also listened to Sara's coffee song. The way she sipped it, it made her smile even though her tears remained running. Maybe the music affected her mood, the lyrics and the voices.

_Sing me to sleep_

_Sing me to sleep_

_I'm tired and I_

_I want to go to bed_

Literally, and metaphorically, she did feel tired. Mentally and emotionally exhausted. Severely fatigued with her thoughts. She spoke about herself and forgot whether Sara had went to the doctor or not. How could she be so selfish? She always was, maybe that's why her friends wanted nothing to do with her anymore, if she could think of it, she hurt Emy a lot. But that was past, right?

_Sing me to sleep_

_And then leave me alone_

_Don't try to wake me in the morning_

_'Cause I will be gone_

_Don't feel bad for me_

_I want you to know_

_Deep in the cell of my heart_

_I will feel so glad to go_

_Sara should shut this song._ How sad one song could get, anyway? That was too much melancholy to deplore on. When Tegan turned her head to look at her lover again, Sara was staring straight ahead, focusing on nothing, or maybe everything that's inside her head. "Did you go to the doctor?" Tegan wanted to avoid the chest-aching lyrics of the song.

Sara gave a nod, and the song continued,

_Don't feel bad for me_

_I want you to know_

_Deep in the cell of my heart_

_I really want to go_

"What did they say? Are you alright?" Sara looked at Tegan for a moment, and the song rang in her ears.

_There is another world_

_There is a better world_

_Well, there must be_

"What did they say, Sara?" Tegan demanded with a sharp voice, full of rage and hints of fear.

"Like I told you, it's a side effect." Sara paused. "I am perfectly healthy." Like a preacher in a church, or a politician speaking in congress, Sara gave a nod of promise and determination. Then a smile with pearly white teeth followed, just the way a politician would end his empty promises in a speech.

And the song of death ended. A lighter beat, less splenetic, came on next. It was only the song, Tegan breathed.

She closed her eyes and listened to the quiet rhyme. The gentle breeze from the opened window swayed her locks as they uncurled by themselves during the day. Only soft curls at the tip of her hair remained, and she was certainly causing them to disappear while resting her head on the armrest.

The air from the nature outside soon was accompanied by faint breaths on her clavicle. A light weight hovered above her till she felt the pressure added on her pelvis. She jumped and opened her eyes. "Sorry." Sara whispered, seating herself in a more suitable position atop of Tegan. Her two legs on each side of Tegan's.

Tegan furrowed her brow and raised her head. Sara smiled. "What are you doing?"

Sara looked up at her, eyes scanning for a moment, pupils roaming left then right. "I wanna make it up to you." Before Tegan could say anything, Sara continued, "I want you touch me."

"No." Quickly, the student refused. "We can't do it in here. That's not professional." Sara gave a playful roll to her eyes. "Didn't you once say you don't mix work with relationships?"

"Oh, please. It's just one life to live, Tegan. Let's enjoy it." Yes, it's one life to live. To live it and enjoy it, by being careful and cautious, by avoiding the unnecessary troubles, by being a good person, by respecting boundaries, by being responsible.

Tegan couldn't say anything more because Sara's shirt was quickly unbuttoned, hanging open, covering two mounds. Her belt unbuckled, her pants unzipped and unbuttoned, Sara took a hold of Tegan's hand and motioned it where she desired it to be. "Come on, don't be coy." Tegan wasn't coy, she just wasn't sure that was a bright idea.

Maybe in other circumstances Tegan would have found joy in the sexual act in such place. The rush of hiding behind a door that separated them from a reality they were destined to be under the mercy of. A professor and a student, and that was their cruel reality. But inside that door, they defied the rules of social system and the law of normalcy. Maybe if it was another day, Tegan would have found it dearly enticing to touch Sara on her office's sofa. Actually, she would even ravish Sara on her desk, while the window remained unguarded. She would really do it, if it was another day, another time. But not that moment, not that day, not when the morbid music probed her eardrum and searched inside her heart for a reason to fill it with sorrow and apprehension.

Even Sara's state was a helping factor for that feeling. While Tegan's fingers grazed the outer lips of her sex, which were surprisingly damp, Sara had her head laid on Tegan's chest, her breaths heavy on Tegan's neck. Sara's soft hair tickled her exposed skin, and she stroked it with her other hand. It was so soft, and when she kissed it, the sweet coconut scent almost took her into a trance. Sara always smelled nice and always felt nice to touch.

Soon she massaged her clit and teased it with two of her fingers. One of Sara's hands was cupping her breast, Tegan couldn't see it for Sara was on top of her, but she could feel the hand that separated them. When the melody from Sara's computer became slightly sensual, she found it as a perfect opportunity to dart her digits in her professor. Sara released a soft gasp, and Tegan smiled.

Sara squirmed above her and unconsciously rolled her hips. Goddamn, that shake of her thighs, the arch of her back, the tender pleasured voices she tried to keep chained inside her lips, the hot breaths oozing out of her gasping lungs, the way she held tightly on Tegan's strong arms, all of them, Goddman, all of it made Tegan, once again, thank whoever is up there, whoever controlled the lot of human beings, for presenting such a treasure to adorn her lazy life.

While she pushed and rubbed Sara's velvety walls, Sara had pulled the black lace of her bra upward, exposing pink nipples which she toyed with gently. Tegan watched it all when Sara raised her body just a tad. Sara twirled the pink buds, moving from one breast to the other. Where she pinched at one, she gave the same treatment to its twin a second after. Tegan felt the blood draining out of her arm with every squeeze Sara pushed on it, it was going numb, but Tegan didn't care.

She could feel Sara's cervix, she barely touched it with the tips of her two digits, but she could feel its round opening. That's where she caused Sara pain, that's where it hurt Sara, and it was strange, because it felt healthy there, completely healthy, but Sara did feel some type of pain. When Sara squeezed her eyes shut, Tegan figured that she felt the same discomfort that polluted their sex life, so she decided to proceed with her stimulation instead of inspecting Sara's insides slowly.

Sara's sweaty brow glistened and Tegan couldn't help not to kiss it. Sara opened her eyes and smiled, and they looked into each other's golden spheres till she felt Sara's walls tightening. Sara formed soft_ 'yeahs'_ and silent moans as she helped Tegan by swiftly undulating her hips. Tegan's other hand cupped the breast Sara wasn't playing with, and they together helped Sara reach the euphoria of her orgasm.

With lightning eyes, Sara leaned in and so did Tegan, they kissed with swaying passion and dancing heat as Sara rode her climax. Sara bit Tegan's lower lip and scratched the back of Tegan's palm on her breast. When Tegan opened her eyes and parted her lips, Sara's hot breath hit her face, and it tasted and it smelled like coffee.

Tegan continued staring at her eyes, searching for the familiar after sex merriment that Sara usually felt. She only found big lost orbs staring back at her. Frightening, extremely frightening, but at the same time, clearly frightened. Then she pulled out of Sara, and her lover flinched, but her eyes remained wide open. Tegan begged the sylphs in the sky to shower her mind with hints of what was happening inside Sara's mind. Perhaps she'd see a dream at night and she'd know what's the matter with Sara, with Sara's eyes, and the way they made her heart sink without knowing why.

And then Tegan walked out of her professor's office the way a criminal would sneak out after robbing somebody's respected home. Her eyes met one of her old professor's eyes, the old man smiled at her but Tegan couldn't smile back. She felt eerie, she felt filthy, she felt strange. She walked slowly to her class, which Sara was the teacher of, her mind fuzzy with unrecognized emotions. What they just had inside that office was not love making, not in the least. Sara thanked her after it, and it felt as if she had just done Sara a duty and then she was gone. It felt so loveless, void of emotions despite the emotional kiss she and Sara shared. She wasn't even wet after that, she didn't desire to be pleased by Sara. She only felt an ample transparent nothing.

She sat in her seat and her best friend did not even look her way. Emy was immensely engaged in a rather dull conversation with a few other students. All around her spoke and giggled, but her head throbbed and her mind stressed.

Then Sara came, and her sight was eye-cringing. A miserable sight and a miserable woman. That's the thought that popped in Tegan's head. Sara had said she's happy, but everything proved otherwise. Her once curled fringe was damp with water from washing her face, no concealer left to hide the darkness beneath swollen lids, and no eyeliner to make them appear lively and incandescent. Sara's once ironed shirt was clouded with creases and wrinkles, her chest flushed, and one button was embarrassingly unbuttoned, providing the eyes of the strangers with a view of Sara's bra. Tegan wanted to inform her by looking there, but Sara missed every hint. She wasn't the only one who looked there anyway, when she tilted her head to the side, she could see her friend's gaze fixed on the same angle, then her friend sneaked a look back at her. Tegan could swear she witnessed the subtle shake of Emy's head, but her attention was all on Sara's half disheveled state.

Their topic of the day was Pablo Neruda's translated poem _"I Like You When You Are Quiet"_. Faintly, Tegan chuckled, sneaking an eye towards Sara. Sara's ears blotched with cherry red at the mere eye contact, both of them clearly remembering when Sara had told Tegan the exact same words. Her girlfriend, sometimes, was a cliche, and she loved it.

Seated above the desk in the classroom, Sara read the poem with a smooth voice and brief intervals.

_"I like you when you are quiet because you are as if absent,_

_and you hear me from afar, and my voice doesn't touch you._

_It seems as if your eyes had flown away_

_and it seems as if a kiss were closing your mouth."_

Each pause her lover took was provided by intense, oh so intense, eye contact with her one student.

_"Since all things are full of my soul_

_you emerge from among things filled with my soul._

_Butterfly of dreams, you look like my soul_

_and you look like the word 'melancolía.'"_

And then Sara paused again, and the song of death rang in Tegan's ears once again. They looked at each other, and from the corner of stinging eyes, Tegan could see the students all around her with their eyes harshly focused on them. Her lover was a fool, her lover couldn't harbour her emotions, her lover couldn't act professional at all.

_"I like you when you are quiet and you're as if distant._

_It's as if you were moaning, lullabied butterfly._

_And you hear me from afar, and my voice doesn't reach you:_

_let me become quiet with your silence."_

She knew that her lover had chosen the subjects they're studying in this class. She had chosen them before they have gotten together, and maybe, against all odds, Sara had chosen that poem because it reminded her of Tegan. Maybe.

_"Allow me also to speak to you with your silence_

_clear as a lamp, simple as a ring._

_You are like the nighttime, quiet and constellated._

_Your silence is of a star, so far away and simple."_

A throttled chuckle escaped Tegan's lips against her will as she recalled all the times she had loathed the quietude of her paramour. Each time she wished she'd speak to her, they spoke in a language of facial expressions and inappropriate touching all through the last year, they spoke in puzzles and with eye contact. Sara sent messages and signs and Tegan never learned how to read them. And Tegan was positive, that then, right at that moment, Sara's blazing eyes were also sending messages she couldn't decipher nor even read.

_"I like you when you are quiet because you are as if absent._

_Distant and sorrowful as if you had died._

_One word, then, one smile is enough._

_And I am happy, happy that it not be true."_

And then she heard it, and everybody in class heard it. Sara's display of unwanted emotions. Loud, and oh so clear, her broken voice at the end, and that one breath she squeezed inside her chest.

"What's not true?" Emy broke the grave silence in the room. "That she is quiet?" Emy took a look at Tegan. "Or that she had died?" Tegan swallowed, and out of a curious mind, she looked beside her and all around her. But it was an enormous mistake because the eyes of her classmates almost burned her flushed skin. Her lover was one mad fool.

"Both." Sara answered, cheeks pink, eyes gaping and roaming in the room. Perhaps she was aware of her tragic mistake, perhaps she was ashamed of her calm, but rather limpid emotional outburst. "I suppose he means both. Poetry is a vast planet opened for any interpretation, Emily. As long as you can prove it." Sara hopped off her desk, her glowing smile suddenly appearing. "Let's discuss the poem, shall we?" The iron mask was in place on Sara's face.

**...**

Tegan did her homework on Sara's bed with lips entrapped inside her mouth, and a pen chained between shaking digits as Tegan focused on the archaic words of ancient poetry.

She thought about all the ways she was going to give Sara a piece of her mind when the older woman finished her duty at the university. She thought of all the things she could say, of all the words she could yell. She thought about the fight that was bound to happen. She thought about the shouting, she thought about her tears, she thought about Sara's cold gazes, and she thought about Sara becoming angry and upset with her. But that time Sara should only be angry at one person, and that's herself.

When the door of the apartment was finally opened and then closed gently, Tegan lifted her head from her book and looked up at the bedroom's opened door. She waited for her lover to take the steps inside like an animal waiting for its prey.

A well-planned glower all at once shifting to a confounded brow pucker at the sight of a haggard woman dragging herself inside the room. Sara sat on the bed and sighed, her head found its place between her hands. "What's wrong?" Sara didn't provide an answer. "Sara?" Her girlfriend hummed with hints of annoyance behind her lips. "Is everything alright?" Sara's head lifted and her head turned to look at Tegan, she gave a simple nod despite the obvious fact that nothing seemed alright. "Sara, what the fuck were you thinking today in class? That was so fucking reckless. You basically...that was so stupid." Tegan rambled, forgetting the fight she wanted to cause, but not forgetting to say what's inside her mind. "You're gonna get in trouble." She heard Sara form a chuckle as she bent down to take off her shoes. "We're gonna get in trouble if you don't act professional. What the fuck had happened to you?"

Sara shifted herself and sat just a bit behind Tegan on the bed. Her eyes focused on the opened page on the mattress. "I'm sure everyone in class knows something is up now."

"Why do you care?" Coldly, Sara responded.

"Why the fuck do you not care?" Tegan snapped, her dilated eyes staring at Sara. "This is your fucking job. Your career. You said it yourself, you lost everything, it's the only thing you have. These are your words."

"I'll make sure to be careful from now on." Without any wind to shake the hell out of her frozen emotions, Sara answered.

Sara was simply dragging them to the inevitable doom. No doubt, that's what was going to happen. A student was going to watch them, follow them, film them, and then show it to the dean, to the head of the university, Sara would be kicked out, Tegan would be too. Her friends would laugh, her mother would want nothing to do with her, Sara would dump her. And what if Sara went to jail? What if it got that serious? Why wasn't Sara serious about it? Why did her girlfriend all of a sudden not give one damn about both of their lives?

_"One day I wrote her name upon the strand,_

_But came the waves and washed it away:_

_Agayne I wrote it with a second hand,_

_But came the tyde, and made my paynes his pray."_

Tegan hadn't noticed when or how Sara had found a place behind her tensed shoulder until she felt Sara's breaths on her skin while her lover recited the words from the page of the opened book.

And then she heard it, the same melancholy voice, the song of death, the poem from the class, she heard them all in the quiet sobs of Sara from behind. Hastily, she turned around to witness a scene she had never seen with her own eyes before, she had heard it, but never seen it. Drops of tears crawling out of tired eyes, wet eyelashes, and a hand cupping a mouth, threatening it not to let any sound out. "Sara?" She reached to touch Sara's other hand but Sara pushed her off. "What's wrong? Why are you crying? Is it because of what I just said? I was just worried."

Sara shook her head and hurriedly stopped her tears from escaping, locked the voices inside her mouth and took a breath. "I'm sorry. I don't know what have gotten into me. This is embarrassing. I shouldn't be crying. The poem made me...uh...kinda emotional."

Tegan sighed. "You've been kinda off all day. Is everything alright?" Sara gave a nod and smiled, but said nothing. "Sara, you can cry. You told me it's okay to cry and it's more healthy, remember? Maybe you should, you know, let it all out. Cry, you'll feel better. I always feel better after crying."

"Tegan?" With an unrelenting tone, Sara asked. "I need you to leave me alone."

"What?" Sara's shocking request, which came all of a sudden and with no expectation, made her take a defensive step to the back.

"I need to be alone." Sara said once again, as if Tegan hadn't heard her the first time. "Please leave me alone in my room. I don't want to be around anyone."

"Oh...okay." Her feet were already shifting on the cold floor. She looked at Sara one more time as she collected her books. "Uh..." She hesitated. "I'll be outside, in case you need anything." But Sara gave her that one nod that suggested she wasn't going to need anything, and her offer was gently declined.

Tegan huffed as she shut the door and isolated herself from Sara. Sara cried, refused to speak up, and asked her to leave. And there was the Sara that Stacy was speaking of. How funny and how strange, the woman went there, said the words, Tegan heard them, and the next day Sara enacted what Stacy had feared the most. The day before her lover was merry with ecstasy, saying the words that caused Tegan to swoon and blush, the next day she separated the both of them by a closed door, she refused to say a word, she kicked Tegan away when the younger woman offered comfort, and she cried for no reason Tegan could find. Sara's friend was the fucking jinx, and that Tegan was sure of. Because what the fuck had happened to her Sara?


	28. Unhappy Together

**Chapter 28: Unhappy Together.**

**May 3rd, 2043**

I tried the hardest a lover could to win Sara's affection back. That is only because I have thought she loved me no more. I always knew she's not healthy. I knew she's not healthy and yet I decided I should trick my mind and cry about the slowly fading love. I honestly believed her love vanished. It is a bit strange, I had all the reasons in front of me on why she was acting that way, but I just couldn't connect them together. I really couldn't link the words or fill the the blanks. All I saw was that Sara was either extremely anguished, or immensely merry. I didn't know what side of her would greet me while stepping through the door. A happy Sara, or a crying one.

I wanted to stand by her side. I wanted to support her. I wanted to be the shoulder she would cry on. I wanted to be the pole that would support her flag. I wanted to be the ship barking through the ocean of mist and darkness. I wanted to be the hand she would hold when she's in pain. I wanted to be all that, but she pushed me away when I tried to be that. And now I maybe understand it. She wanted to be all of these for me, so when I offered my help, she felt small, she felt frail.

When you watch your lover's life slowly crumbling down before you, what can you do about it? Yes, you should support her. What if she refuses your shrinking solace? Sara refused my support when she was sure that grief is a cloud constantly hovering above her head. Maybe she didn't want me to deal with that, with all her troubles and all her ailments. But a younger me wanted to do that, and as soon as she was pushed away she took revenge in the nastiest way possible. Simply because a younger me did not really think of her actions or the consequences they might bring. And Sara, she really did not have time to deal with someone like myself. She said it, I couldn't handle a simple storm, so how was I to handle the final one when it happened? And she was right, because I didn't handle it at all, and till this day I can't believe that I just gave up on Sara as easily as I did. I should have been there, but a younger me was blinded by a false concept of what love really meant.

**...**

Tegan didn't do anything other than pace around the dark space of Sara's apartment while her girlfriend asked to be alone four hours ago. She finished studying and then she picked a book from Sara's bookshelf. She began reading that book and then she dozed off. When she woke up, the place was curtained with darkness. The crying thunder caused her to wake up. She felt her stomach ache for food.

Tegan ate alone while staring outside the French window, counting how many droplets of rain were going to cover the glass before Sara reappeared.

When it became ten and Sara still hadn't opened the door for Tegan, nor made any voice indicating she was awake, Tegan was now worried. But she couldn't do nothing about it.

She opened the glass window and stepped outside. Shivering and shuddering, she quickly wrapped her goosebumped arms around herself. More rain fell on her sharp face, her nose turning beet red. She knew that she was probably going to become sick, she knew that her hair was quickly becoming wet, she knew that was not a good idea, and she shouldn't be standing beneath the heavy drops of the cold rain, but she didn't really care anyway. She's confused. She's searching for answers, and who knows, but something, or maybe someone, might have told her that her answers will be given if she stared at the water leaving the clouds from the sky.

She lifted her head and looked up at the lightening, it looked much like Sara's horror-stricken gaze. It looked much like Sara's anguished irises. And then she heard the thunder and it scared her, she jumped and almost slipped.

Tegan reached an answer. When she stepped inside once again, surrounded by the suffocating heat of Sara's apartment, she figured it all out. That was the first time she ever felt unhappy while being where her lover was. She had felt angry before, she had felt sad, she had felt annoyed, she felt as if something was missing, but never in these two months she felt unhappy.

What exactly is being unhappy? It is the opposite of happiness, and she knew that in these two months she was happy, or at least satisfied with Sara. But now she didn't feel like that. Sure, Sara's smile made her happy, and she's aware that if Sara left her room with a smile on her face, Tegan would feel happy just to see it there. But why should she lie to herself? Because she knew that happiness is a state of mind and she could convince her mind she's happy while she's not. Being happy or unhappy is complicated. It's a complex mind game. She could pretend Sara was alright, she could pretend their relationship was healthy and normal, and that would make her happy. But she could worry about what was wrong with Sara, why was she suddenly another person, why was she slowly drifting away from her, and that would make her feel miserable. She could choose one of these, and Tegan, being herself, she would choose the latter. Just because it was the realistic option, and she is a realistic person.

Her thinking about her state of mind almost drowned her back to sleep until she heard the door knob moving, the door opened, and then Sara appeared. She sat up from her place on the sofa and opened her eyes. The lights were all off and the only light which illuminated the room was coming from the television, which was showing nothing but figures speaking in stark silence because of the muted voice of the machine.

Their eyes met for a quick second and she saw the red puffiness of Sara's lids. Sara seemed gravely confounded. She stood in her place and looked at Tegan, who on her part was afraid of saying anything. "You're still here?" Sara whispered, however.

And now it was Tegan's turn to have the same confused glance as Sara. "Where would I go?" She lifted her body and got up. "I need to use the bathroom." Tegan mumbled and walked towards the room and then to the bathroom. She knew she should have at least smiled or said something sweet, asked Sara about her feelings, or hugged her at least. But she didn't do none of that and decided to be the cold and quiet person Sara perceived her to be.

She was finally able to free her bladder, which she held for too long and felt as if she was going to burst. Something caught her eyes when she was washing her hands. Without much consciousness, she looked at the hamper, and that's when she spotted something she didn't expect. She bent down and her brows furrowed at the circular spot of the viscous red liquid on the crotch of her girlfriend's underwear.

"Shit." She mumbled, knowing that was not supposed to happen, it shouldn't happen, and she didn't know what she should do, whether she should ask Sara about it or just pretend that she hadn't seen it. It could be anything, it could mean anything, and that alone made her scared to question her girlfriend about it.

When she walked back to the living room, Sara was on her previous place on the sofa, resting her whole lower body on it and staring at the television, which was now unmuted.

Tegan walked to the kitchen and started preparing something hot to drink for herself, her eyes never leaving the back of Sara's head.

The action film starring Jodie Foster seemed to be taking all Sara's attention. Tegan watched the chase happening in the movie while pouring the steaming water into her cup. The sound of the pouring liquid seemed to arouse Sara's attention and take her away from the film. She turned her face and looked at Tegan standing behind the counter. "What are you making?" Sara's voice was serene to the degree of insanity, Tegan could melt and that's no exaggeration.

"Green tea. Do you want?" Tegan decided Sara deserved a smile. She didn't reach the decision, it happened against her will because she couldn't keep herself angry at her lover without even knowing what's really going on.

"No." Sara paused for only half a second before continuing, "Can you make me coffee, please?" She bit her lower lip. It's as if she's way too embarrassed to ask a favour from Tegan.

Sara received her cup of coffee with a whispered_ 'thanks'_ and Tegan nodded. The younger woman decided maybe she could speak with her professor, therefore, she sat right where Sara's feet were resting, forcing the older woman to pull her feet away in order to give her student the space. When Tegan sat, she held onto Sara's cold feet and directed them back on her lap. Sara looked at Tegan for a second then returned her attention back on the television.

Both of them sipped their hot drinks in silence showering their space. The only sound filling the apartment was the raspy octave of the leading actress.

"Sara?" Tegan asked, but she didn't gain any response. Sara didn't even avert her gaze from the screen before her. "How are you feeling now?" Tegan tried again, and nothing but a quick glance was sent her way before the professor returned her focus back on the film. "Sara, I'm talking to you." And then Tegan raised her voice, frustration engulfing her slowly. "Is this because of what I said this afternoon?" Sara didn't even look at her that time. "You know I just don't want you to get in trouble. I care about your job. Is that too bad?" She was no longer speaking calmly, she was slowly picking up a fight.

"Tegan, please, I'm watching the movie." Sara looked back at her, using the same octave, but having no intentions to start an argument that would end in Tegan crying and slamming the door.

"Us talking is way more important than the stupid film." The student insisted, she wanted to start a fight.

"I'm not in the mood to talk." Sara dismissed her with a gentle timbre, yet a firm one, ending the argument that Tegan strove to start.

The only good option was for Tegan to leave Sara alone and head back to the room. It was midnight and she was tired. She wanted to sleep that emotionally exhausting day away and not think about what could happen the next day between her and Sara.

As soon as Tegan put her troubled head on the pillow, her eyes shut, and her mind drifted off to a land she had no control of. Sometimes all you could do to solve a problem you're not willing to face is to sleep. You know what they say, what can't be decided, in the morning will bring itself to you. And that's how Tegan thought. Sara didn't want to argue, Sara didn't want to speak up. Tegan didn't want to think about everything she's witnessing, afraid it might ruin her fantasies and the remnants of her happiness whenever she looked into Sara's eyes. Tegan decided to let her mind control the state of unconsciousness she would be in. She could dream whatever she shall dream about.

She dreamed of the tunnel once again. She dreamed of the lights. She dreamed of the darkness. She dreamed of Sara. She dreamed of the car. She dreamed of a pen and a notebook. She dreamed of a smile. She dreamed of a tear. She dreamed of a thunderstorm, and she dreamed of a murky street.

When she woke up, perspiration ran across her forehead, and her hands clutched the furry material of her stuffed animal as if she was holding onto it for dear life. She rubbed her eyes as if the room was going to be illuminated by magical lights when she did that. The room was silent and dark, the same way she entered it. She didn't know what the time was but there was a storm outside and whenever she heard the noises of the tempest, she flinched. The rain felt like bullets hitting Sara's closed window. It made an awful sound and it must be the reason why her dream was in a form of a nightmare that time.

Sara was not lying beside her. She reached to touch Sara's place on the mattress and it was cold, without any life to warm it up and fill it with soft breaths. She yawned and looked up at the ceiling for seconds. When she couldn't go back to sleep due to the thoughts of her professor tickling her brain, she decided to rise up and walk back to the living room. But before she did that, she checked the time on her phone, and it was a little bit after two in the morning. She exhaled another exasperated sigh and walked out to be met with Sara's form still in the same place on the sofa, eyes red and swollen from lack of sleep, or maybe excessiveness of tears, Tegan couldn't decide. Sara was still awake but the television was back on mute. Sara stared at the silent figures moving inside the screen.

"Sara." The student whispered, leaning just a bit down to be on the same level with her professor's face. Her professor groaned, but it was so softly made that Tegan barely heard it. "Come on, let's go back to bed. You have classes tomorrow, you need to sleep." She didn't know what was going to leave Sara's lips that time. Sure, she didn't expect anything good to do so, but she was still afraid.

"I don't want to." Sara softly whispered. Not saying more.

"You don't want to teach tomorrow or you don't want to go back to bed?"

"I'm too tired to get up." Tegan switched off the television after Sara's response, leaving them in an even brighter darkness than before.

"I'll pick you up." Tegan was positive she could carry her girlfriend back to bed. She's strong, and she had the muscles to do that.

"You can't." Sara simply stated.

"Are you daring me, Dr. Clement?" Maybe it wasn't the proper time to lighten the mood, to joke around, to try and squeeze a smile out of her professor, but she wanted to push her luck. She had nothing to lose, after all.

Sara didn't give any response, she didn't even smile, and that's why Tegan shook her head and sighed. She placed both of her strong arms beneath Sara's body. Sara squirmed, rejecting Tegan's tight grip. But Tegan was much stronger, and with a little bit of strength and a sprinkle of effort, she lifted Sara's body up leading her towards the bedroom with slow, careful steps, hoping there was nothing that could make her trip and end up throwing Sara to the ground.

Sara buried her face in Tegan's chest and her hands clutched Tegan's top as tightly as one could hold onto something. She was scared Tegan would drop her off, but Tegan didn't. With a swift movement, her student placed her on the mattress, quickly taking her place back on her side. "See? I didn't drop you, you're safe, nothing is broken." Tegan smiled to thin air. "You're so light. You're like as light as Ella, you both probably weigh the same." Tegan hyperbolized her comparison.

"Jack always left the house when I told him to leave me alone." Sara's sobs hastily erased that smile off her face, she looked beside her at Sara's body. She saw her shaking, trembling, her tears running past her lids and sliding down her cheeks. "He would come back the next day and act as if nothing happened, but he always left when he heard me crying."

And then Tegan understood it. And then Tegan received another answer. Sara's unhappy too. Sara's confused too.

Dreading Sara's reaction, Tegan still reached for Sara's form and inched closer to her, holding her shaking arms instead of the inanimate ones of her stuffed animal. She rubbed the covered skin and tried to lull Sara to sleep. "I don't care if you cried, Sara." She whispered. "I will not leave if you cried. I'm not Jack, I won't leave your apartment." Sara continued weeping. Tegan felt the hot tears on her chest because that's where Sara's face was buried. "You never leave when I'm crying, what makes you think that I would leave?"

"Katina didn't like it when I cried. She said I cried a lot." And Sara told her she cried a lot. Sara criticized her the way Sara's ex girlfriend did to Sara. "She got bored of me, and then she left. Jack too, Jack..." Sara started to hiccup. She was afraid of admitting that what actually happened was Jack cheating on her, and her love did not expire as she liked to believe or make Tegan believe it did.

"You don't have to talk about it. It's okay, I understand." Sara couldn't admit that her past lover had cheated on her. And Tegan received one more answer, Sara still loved Jack. "It's okay. Let go of them. They're gone. The past is gone. Let go of them. I'm here. I don't care if you cried. I will cry with you." And Tegan began to sob. Many reasons why she began to cry along with her lover. The realization hit her that Sara was not over her ex husband. She felt as a rebound. Sara was not exactly alright. Sara lied to her. And Sara might be lying about her health, about her love, about her life. Tegan also cried because she loved Sara and she could feel that Sara doubted that love. "See?" Tegan said through sobs. "I'm crying with you because I'm sad like you." Tegan admitted her state of mind. That time Sara did not comfort her, she didn't make her feel better, she didn't try to listen to her reasons. That time Sara did nothing but snivel and bawl along with her. "We can cry together and forget the past, because it doesn't matter. We'll cry because these people don't matter. We'll cry and then we'll have a family and our baby will cry with us." Even through tears, she wanted to make Sara feel better. She loved Sara, but now she was not sure whether Sara loved her. "Let go of the past. Things are different now."

Sara's sobs only increased, and the voices she made only made Tegan's heart sink further. "No. Nothing is different. Nothing will be different. I'm cursed." She sniffled, she whimpered, and she tried to breathe through suffering lungs.

"Why are you saying that?" Tegan whispered through her tears. Sara didn't give her any answer, only left her with other questions. And now she needs more answers.

After a bout of tears, both women slept. Tegan didn't have any more dreams throughout the period of her exhausted slumber until she awoke the next morning. Her stuffed animal had placed her girlfriend's shaking figure between her arms. It was only nine when she woke up. Sara was at her job and she wouldn't return till after two hours.

Tegan invested her time in tidying Sara's place the way she's now used to do each morning Sara didn't get the chance to do so. And Tegan also searched many keywords on Google in order to understand Sara's health issue. The problem was that she was met with more frightening conditions than she had ever thought she would. Many cases, many symptoms, many results. She didn't know what she could read and what was wrong with her girlfriend. The amount of cases made her stomach churn and her eyes burn. She felt dizzy, she felt frighted, she reached another answer: Sara's not healthy and she didn't know what exactly was wrong with her. It could be something extremely dangerous, it could be something mild as she suggested it was. She no more trusted in Sara's words. She knew Sara, in fact, either did not go to the doctor, or did not really say what's really wrong with her.

She decided she shouldn't add more clouds to her already raining kingdom. She closed the search engine and went back to the kitchen, knowing her lover could walk through that door at any moment. She didn't know how Sara felt right after their crying fest the night before. On her part, Tegan felt tired, her eyelids were swollen, but she felt much better.

Sara returned after a few. Her face was surprisingly fresh and free of all nightly burdens. Her eyes relaxed and her brow free of any wrinkle. She sent a genuine smile towards Tegan's way. Tegan smiled back and walked up to her. Should she ask, or should she ignore it?

"Good morning." Sara shyly whispered.

"Hey." Tegan's smile was bigger than her professor's, but still careful. "Did you have anything to eat?" Tegan looked back at the kitchen counter. "I...I cooked." She sought for the stud beneath her lip to support her unnerved mind.

"You cooked?" Sara repeated her words as if she hadn't heard them the first time. The honey in her irises softly calming down and twinkling as she looked at the plates of pancakes and omelets.

"I looked into your recipes notebook. I hope you don't mind."

Sara walked to where the food was placed. Tegan could see how happy that made her feel. Her cheeks were blotched in pink, her eyes sparkled and teeth imprisoned her lips. "No, I don't. It smells so good. I'm impressed."

"Well," Tegan motioned for one plate. "take a bite. Taste it."

Sara did just that, taking a modest bite from the Spanish omelet that Tegan created and humming at the taste. "I'm really impressed. This is really good." And Tegan squealed in response, which made the older woman giggle. It felt like the old times, even though Tegan knew it was never going to be like the old times.

Tegan received a phone call while they shared a small talk about the weather and about college over breakfast. It was from her father. That was a rare occurrence. Tegan hadn't been on good terms with her father since she came out. Since then, he stopped calling her and checking up on her. They had a close relationship, until she came out. She knew how angry he was, she knew she couldn't say anything, she knew she couldn't change anything but give him time. At least he didn't neglect her for being who she is, at least he didn't hate her, at least he didn't scream nor yell. That's what her mother said. She also told her to give him some time. Sonia told her that her father always knew she's not straight, but he always wished his intuition was false. She told her he's just shocked and he needed some time to accept what's going on. Tegan did just that, she gave him time. And even though she missed him dearly, she still didn't bother him, she stayed away. So when a call came from her father after months of rare communication, she knew something must be up.

She swallowed what's in her mouth and quickly took a sip of water before answering. Sara looked at her, and Tegan looked at her phone.

Her father's gentle tone was still there, as calm as ever, as fixed as ever. He asked her about her morning, she answered carefully. He asked how she'd been, she told him she's doing alright. He haunted for a slip of a tongue, and she lied perfectly for hers and Sara's sake.

"Tegan, I really miss you, sweetie." Stephen sighed.

"I miss you too, daddy." She said the truth at last.

"You know I love you, right?" Her father asked.

"Yes, I do."

"And I love you no matter who you are. No matter who you love, I still love you." Something in her felt like tearing up and crying once again. She was still emotional from last night, and she knew from Sara's quiet self, that she too was emotional. She decided she'd be stronger than that and not cry.

"I love you so much, dad." She noticed how her voice was breaking.

"That's great. You can date whoever you want. We don't mind. Your mother and I want you to be happy with whoever you want. We want you to be happy with the woman you choose to date. Don't feel the need to hide anything from us, we only want your happiness and safety." And then these words made her tears begin to depart her eyes. Her parents wanted her to be happy dating whoever she wanted. They didn't know what fell in that category was her much older, miserable professor. They didn't know even though she loved her, she's not happy in dating her. They didn't know that every second was turning into a moment of fear the more the silence hovered above her and Sara's head. And they also didn't know, despite all of that, she truly loved Sara at heart and could never leave her to seek temporary happiness that might fade when life becomes tough.

"Tegan? Why are you crying? Is everything alright in your life?" Her father asked. She couldn't help but look at Sara and cry more. She knew Sara was listening to her father's words as well. Sara was looking down at her lap.

Her parents had been together for thirty years. Her parents were still happy together despite the obstacles they've been through. Every couple goes through hardships. She has an aunt who got a divorce because she couldn't bear the marriage life, she couldn't bear being with her husband. She said she's unhappy around him, she said they always fought and she always cried. So she got a divorce and she was happy for a while. Then she was unhappy again because she felt lonely. Tegan didn't want to feel lonely. She and Sara were unhappy, and it's not because of them being together, but because Sara was going through things Tegan didn't know about. These things made Sara unhappy, and the fact that she's not sharing them to Tegan, made Tegan unhappy. So if they separated, they would still feel unhappy. Tegan would be even more unhappy.

"It's nothing, dad. I just got emotional. I'm just happy." She had never told such a huge lie in her life. "That you accept me for who I am. It's making me happy." She wanted to erase her lie in any way possible. "Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me for that, Tegan." He chuckled. "I should go now. Be safe, and be happy." She cried more. "Goodbye, Tegan."

"Bye, dad." She mouthed before ending the call.

She looked up at her girlfriend, one hand wiping her tears and the other shaking. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

"I'm sorry I'm becoming a reason for your tears." Sara apologized back. Tegan said nothing, but she chuckled. "You have a great family. Very good parents. They love you." Tegan nodded. "I wish mine loved me like that." Sara smiled while looking at her hands. Then she lifted her head once again, her eyes teary. "My dad doesn't speak to me. We haven't spoken to each other since he caught me with Stacy. I'm so mad at him. I really really don't like him." Sara began to cry. "When he walked in on us...he..." Sara choked on her own sob. "he hit me in front of her. I can never forget it, the way his palm came in touch with my cheek, I can never forget it." It's that same story Stacy was joking about the other day. Tegan felt sick to her stomach. Sara's best friend watched her getting abused and told the story as if something hadn't happened, as if Sara's father was joking, as if it's a story one could forget and laugh about after many years. But Sara never got over it, and now she's recalling it. "And then when Stacy left he started screaming and shouting. I couldn't do anything but cry. My mum, she tried to calm him down, but then he threw this chair and it broke. I noticed she's scared, she was so scared. She was more scared than me. I thought maybe my mother could stand by my side but she never did. She always remained on his side." Tegan reached for her hands and squeezed both of them. Sara continued, "He took me to a priest, and I was traumatized. They kept mentioning all these things about hell, about homosexuality, they made me believe I was sick. I lived the two remaining years in my parents' house wishing I was dead. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Stacy's parents were never that extreme, when my parents told her parents about what happened between us, they didn't treat her the way mine did. My dad stopped speaking to me, he became cold and I hated myself. Then he had a feeling I was in a relationship with a woman when I was eighteen and was out of his house, so when I visited he always went to my grandparents' house. Then I saw him at my wedding when I married Jack. We were supposed to have a good night, but I cried in the bathroom for the rest of it, and when I left the bathroom, Jack was not in the hotel room anymore. He came back the second day, he smelled like alcohol. But I didn't know, I didn't know that's how bad it was going to be. We made up and I apologized for ruining his night. Then each time I cried alone, I didn't find him in the same place we stayed at."

"He shouldn't have." Tegan too was swimming in Sara's misery. She cried more than her lover did. "He should have stayed there."

"You know, when I had the miscarriage, I cried so much. I cried everyday. I thought a baby could save our relationship. You know, I..I thought he wouldn't come home late, he wouldn't leave me when I'm sad. But then the baby was gone and I cried so much and he left each night."

"Why did you tell me he put up with a lot? Why did you tell me he tried his best to be with you? Why did you lie to me?"

"He loved me. I know he did. I just, I was hard to handle. They don't like me, they all leave me. My dad doesn't like me, he left..." Sara was shaking, her words were not clear, her sentences all mingled together. She sniffled and whimpered and cried. Sara was having a breakdown, and Tegan watched all of it. "It's my fault. Jack left, Katina left, Stacy gets annoyed, you cry because of me, it...it's my fault. It's me. I am not normal. I'm ruining your life. I'm making you miserable. Like you should be happy but you're not, because of me."

"Sara, stop." The student stopped the shaking form of her professor with her grip. Her hands on each shoulder with a tight squeeze. "Please, stop doing that to yourself." She cupped Sara's face and looked her in the eye. "Nothing is ever worth hurting yourself like that. You told me to leave the past where it belongs, it's time for you to do that, Sara. Look at me, look in my eyes. I love you, you know I love you. You're the strong woman who helped me and you're the strong woman I loved from the start. Don't let your mind break you. Please calm down, Sara. Please, calm down." And it was like magic, Sara calmed down, Sara stopped crying. She started to breathe once again.

"What if the strong in me isn't so strong? What if that strong woman is actually really weak?" Her lips still quivered, but her tone was a bit better.

"We all feel weak, it's normal. You told me that. You're strong, don't forget that." She took Sara's part. She consoled her lover and patted her wounds with soft words.

Sara's response was only a passionate kiss. Perhaps that's all Tegan wanted, to melt with her lover, to share her agony, to make her feel better, to feel her pain, to ease her pain, maybe that's what she wanted. It's alright, they could be unhappy together, but at least they wouldn't be apart.

"I wish I could tell you about the things in my heart." Sara said after pulling away.

"What's stopping you?" Tegan asked.

"I'm scared. I don't know what's happening to me. All I know that things are not looking good for me." Fear was their enemy, fear was their worst enemy. "And I know that you might leave me the way they did, and this scares me."

"But you know I won't leave you." She gave another squeeze to her lover's shoulder. "I swear I won't."

"Don't give promises. You don't know what tomorrow holds." Sara whispered. "_My care is like my shadow in the sun. Follows me flying, flies when I pursue it_." And then she recited two lines from a verse Tegan would resume her crying if she read it at the moment.

"Why do you say that?" It was Tegan's turn to whisper. "What's happening to us? We were happy two days ago."

"I told you, you don't know what tomorrow holds." Sara stood up. "Let's be happy for now. Let's not think about tomorrow for now. I'm sorry I broke down, I'm a human much like you."

Tegan nodded and watched her girlfriend walk to their room. Sara turned around with a smile. "Thank you, my love." Her crimson ears shone brighter than any light. "I'm going to shower." Sara disappeared and Tegan stood there feeling confused, lost, and scared. What was that? What had happened?

She didn't really find an answer throughout the day, because Sara's mood drastically altered after her shower. Yes, it was a mundane morning they shared till the afternoon, but Sara was giggling and smiling through it all as if a storm hadn't really happened only hours ago.

Sara spoke on the telephone with her best friend, who now Tegan felt more skeptical about her care for Sara. Stacy was a threat left untouched. Creeping behind thin lines of jokes and fake smiles. She knew Sara's best friend did not like her, and she also knew that Sara's best friend knew that Tegan did not like her back. It was a mutual dislike and it was because both women felt threatened by the other. But Sara didn't know about that.

While Tegan felt that she might be kicked away from Sara's life at any second and be replaced once again by Stacy's warm condolences, Sara didn't see that. It was a far-fetched thought, but maybe she could put the blame on Stacy that Sara's lovers always left. Tegan liked to think that Stacy was a witch. She liked to think that she was the serpent guarding Sara's kingdom. Whenever a lover approached, Stacy cast her spell, or she bit the help-offering hand, driving the lover away so Sara could stay alone in her thorn-filled castle with no rescue. She decided she'd dare Stacy in her mind, she'd prove the woman wrong. She decided that Stacy couldn't bite her flesh nor charm her mind into leaving Sara on her own.

That night Sara wanted to have sex. Tegan didn't see it coming at all. She truly believed that their sex life was much like their happiness, fading away and crawling underneath faint memories of heated affection they once shared. But Sara, while on the bed, while in her silky creamy pajamas, before they could fall asleep, she asked to be touched.

"Are you asleep?" Sara whispered while in the dimmed room.

"No." Tegan whispered back.

Sara shifted her body until it was glued with her student's. Tegan felt the soft breaths wheezing out of her lover's lungs, and then she felt their hot touches on her cheeks. "Can we...uh..." Sara's hand reached for Tegan's arm, caressing it and slightly pinching its soft flesh.

"Do you want to have sex, Sara?" Tegan faced her lover and their breaths connected together until Sara captured her lips in one of these kisses that indicated Sara's arousal had exceeded levels of suppressed endurance. It was rough, it was hot, it was wet, and it made Tegan's underwear grow damp right away.

Their hands moved and fiddled with each other's clothes while their lips remained locked and their tongues began to dance and sway together. Tegan's heart hammered loudly and her stomach cramped as Sara's fingers grazed each exposed and tiny spot of her skin. Her moans erupted out of her lungs through the kisses that she couldn't control no more because of Sara's dominant force on her. She was pushed on her back and her arms were placed above her head.

Sara bit on her lower lip, pulling it with her teeth then leaving it. Sara's tongue licked the soft lips and it flicked her own tongue before resuming their battle. Tegan stood no chance in front of Sara's tongue. It's a side that was too rough, too strong, too dominant for her to try and compete with. She felt her soul being sucked out of her with each time Sara scraped her skin or pinched it.

Her neck soon became a sheet for Sara to draw another painting on. Sara's gripe on her hands was tight, it was hurting her, it was making her moans become higher and making her squirming increase. With her knee, Sara forced her lover to stay still.

When Tegan opened her eyes, she watched her lover staring at her. Sara's grip was on her wrists, and Sara's knee was pressing on her thighs, banning them from any sort of movement. "Is that okay with you? Is it okay if..."

"Ya...you can hurt me." She swallowed the lump in her throat.

"No, not hurt you. I don't wanna do that. I just want it to be more passionate, just..."

"It's okay, Sara. Do whatever you want to me." She gave a nod of assurance and Sara gave a weak smile before replacing her tongue once again atop of Tegan's neck. She lapped and sucked on the silky skin. She bit every few seconds then sucked again on Tegan's sweet spot till the younger woman couldn't take it anymore and started to undulate her hips for any type of friction that Sara wasn't giving.

With a hand, Sara removed Tegan's tank top, and with the other, she moved two of her digits on the seam of Tegan's shorts. The student's eyes closed and her lips parted when her professor began to rub above her clothes. The rubs were too arousing and they were helping her form a puddle inside her underwear.

Her right breast was soon in Sara's wet mouth. Sara teased and took her time. But the thing is, the movement above her clothed clit was getting too much and Tegan didn't want to come that quickly. "Oh God, Sara." She breathed as Sara's tongue flicked her nipple and wet its hardness. "Don't make me come so quickly." Tegan moaned and it was like she burned Sara with a flame. Sara's digits darted away from her crotch and instead took the nipple untouched in a pinch that caused a scream to leave Tegan's lips. She repeated the same action with her teeth on the other nipple, and Tegan's head hit the headboard behind as the pain was invading her body with every pinch, every bite, every touch her lover tattooed on her skin.

Sara then smoothed where it hurt with her tongue and lips. She licked softly and kissed each nipple till the younger student calmed a bit down. Tegan wanted Sara to touch her already, after every dose of pain, she felt more aroused and more hungry for Sara's lips.

Sara removed her shorts and underwear at the same time and threw them on the floor. The heat Tegan was in kept on increasing the whole time Sara was helping herself out of her clothes. They were underneath the blanket, the only light was from the lamps on each bedside table, but that didn't even give them much light because of the cover above their heads.

Sara's digits returned again where they were to touch the sea between Tegan's slit, tracing up and down while her mouth planted wet kisses descending from her stomach to her mound. Sara bit on the flesh of her mound where the hair was slowly growing, making her clit twitch for any kind of friction, her hips bucked and she whimpered.

Then Sara's lips replaced her digits, and Sara's hands put pressure on the sides of her thighs, spreading her legs apart, and with her short fingers, she scratched Tegan's thighs. Her tongue diving in Tegan's wetness, Sara's teeth smoothly grazed her clit. They moved on each part of her folds then back again, first softly nipping on the bundle of nerves, then harshly taking it between her lips, pulling it the way she just did to each nipples, making the younger woman cry for more and cry because of the burn.

Then Sara sucked on the swollen bud, allowing her tongue to touch it every few seconds only to give it a soft lick or a tiny flick. Tegan's hips swayed in a wave-like motion, she was getting there, pretty close to what she wanted to achieve. And Sara's head bobbed from side to side with Tegan's clit was entrapped between her lips. Tegan just wanted something to touch and Sara's hair was all she could touch and pull on.

The more she pulled on her lover's hair, the quicker her lover moved her tongue or bobbed her head. "I'm close. Sara...Sara." Tegan screamed, her hips rode Sara's face, rising off the mattress as her orgasm came all of a sudden with all its strength and all its surprising glory. She wanted to last more, but she came that quickly, which made her mourn the loss of the feeling as soon as she came down from her high, refusing to open her eyes and meet Sara's sharp gaze.

Sara's face was still buried there between her thighs, her tongue collecting the juices crawling down her thighs and the fluids sticking to her lips.

"I'm so..." Before she could apologize for her quick approach to climax, she felt the sharpest pain hitting her core since ever. Her eyes opened and she looked between her legs only to find three of Sara's digits, quickly, and without any warning, inside of her.

"Shhh." Sara tried to shut her subdued whimpers. She delicately massaged her walls, trying to remove the pain. "I didn't mean to hurt you that bad." Sara's lips pecked her sensitive clit, making her jump. "I want you to get used to this." Sara began moving her digits inside, pulling them slowly till the tips then pushing them with the same force to the knuckles.

The mellow sounds continued escaping Tegan's lips, her eyes closed again, her lips entrapped by her lover's own lips. She tasted herself on Sara. The more she was kissed the harder her lover plunged in, gradually picking up speed.

The scent of her sex surrounded them. The cries of pleasure hugged them. The fingers inside of her connected them together. The wavy movement of her hips formed a picture perfect representation of two becoming one in the midst of their miseries and in the midst of their passion.

Tegan sweated heavily the more she felt her walls being penetrated. Her legs lifted till her knees came in touch with her torso, giving Sara a good view of her pussy stretched around her digits.

Sara sat between her legs and watched her fingers performing their work. She only slowed her pace for a bit in order to guide her pinky in the crevice of Tegan's ass. It caused the younger woman to open her eyes and sit up just a little bit upon feeling the palpitation on her other hole.

She furiously blushed when her gaze met Sara's questioning one. She was not sure whether that's a good idea or not. She never thought about it, she never thought Sara was to perform something like that, something so raw, so different, and maybe a little bit kinky. "I don't want to hurt you, so if you don't want it, it's okay. I just want to make you feel really good."

Tegan swallowed hard. She felt her juices covering her other hole as Sara guided everything leaving her core to where her pinky was moving smoothly. "It's...okay. Just..." Tegan paused. "don't go in too much." She heard Sara form a giggle and saw her give a nod.

She closed her eyes and Sara pushed inside her core, removing her pinky to replace her other hand there, her index now tickling that place. Her breaths hitched and her heart drummed. She was shaking and whenever Sara pushed just a tad, she held her breath until the feeling of discomfort was replaced by one of pure bliss all over that area. The more she was penetrated or touched, the more her clit twitched.

"How does it feel?" Sara asked

Tegan couldn't really speak, her lips were held by her teeth and her lower abdomen was slowly cramping as the familiar feeling was approaching for the second time. Therefore, Tegan moaned loudly, letting Sara know that she wanted her to keep what she's doing, and Sara gladly did so, quickening her pace and plunging in her other hole gently.

Sara curled her fingers and stopped pushing in and out, she kept them there and moved them inside the younger woman, reaching that spongy spot and rubbing it, causing Tegan's walls to imprison the three digits. She removed her index very slowly from Tegan's rear entrance and then resumed her work on her pussy, pulling once again out till the tips and pumping in. And with that one push Tegan exploded, her juices left her entrance and her eyes shut tightly.

The bucking of her hips slowed down as her body calmed down. Sara's fingers didn't leave until she was panting for air and her lids were once again apart.

"I'm sorry I hurt you."

The heat was unbearable. She wanted to kick the blanket off their bodies but she was too fatigued to do so, she wanted to close her eyes and sleep. Sara lied beside her, and she felt Sara's sticky, damp skin touching her own.

"You didn't hurt me."

"Yes, I did." Sara insisted. "I saw your eyes shut, you were trying your best to put up with the pain."

"I enjoyed it, you didn't hurt me. I liked it, stop doubting yourself." Tegan scolded, looking at her lover.

"Can you sit between my legs and let me look at your body?" With a bashful tone, Sara asked. Tegan raised an eyebrow, she didn't know what was going on inside Sara's head. "Please?" Sara begged and so she managed getting up, wincing at the pain between her legs. She stood on her knees and moved till she was between Sara's spread legs, forcing the blanket to shy away from their heads.

Tegan pushed the source of their heat off and sighed in content as the breeze of air touched her nude form. But also she now could see way better, and Sara's pussy was what she saw in front of her.

"Why don't you just let me touch you?" Tegan asked when she viewed Sara's digits playing with her own glistening folds. Her hungry eyes wanted to take them between her lips and perform what Sara had done to her.

"I'm really close, I'll probably just come if you touched me. It's fine, just stay there so I can..." She couldn't see it well, but she's sure Sara's cheeks were adorned with a red hue.

Sara's gaze burned on her breasts. They were glued there as her digits toyed with her clit and her folds until pushing inside herself with two fingers. Surely, Tegan was becoming aroused once again at the sight of her lover masturbating in front of her. She lifted her gaze and looked into Sara's eyes, not wanting to have to please herself again in front of her lover.

Sara's gaze was still focused on her tits and her lips were parted in hunger. Subconsciously, Tegan touched one breast, giving Sara the action she sought to see. She twirled her fingers around one nipple and it instantly ached from the pressure Sara had put on it, but she didn't care. She watched Sara's desire grow higher and heard the sounds her wet rose cave causing when each nimble finger plunged in.

Tegan cupped the other breast and squeezed it, then looked once again at Sara's pussy and smiled at the wet spot which was becoming bigger between them. She lowered her head until the aroma of Sara's strong arousal made her head spin. She closed her eyes and guided the length of her tongue along Sara's lips, collecting anything she could get from that sweet taste she wanted to engulf.

Sara started to whimper and shake when Tegan began to plant many pecks on her clit. She didn't suck on it, she didn't rub it, she didn't touch it, she only kept pecking it till her girlfriend couldn't take it anymore, till her girlfriend reached the climax she helped herself reach.

And when her girlfriend did so and her digits left her entrance, Tegan's tongue took its place between her slit, tasting with a moan Sara's strong heady taste, moaning at how fucking happy that simple thing just made her feel.

Then Tegan reached another answer: she could still be happy by the simplest of things her lover offered while being unhappy on the bigger scale. She imagined it's a circle, a big circle. It's an unhappy circle, but the circle had small happy ones inside of it. These small happy circles were what made the bigger one remain intact. Once these happy circles became dysfunctional and evaporated into thin air, the bigger one would pop and then their whole life would be unhappy. As long as these circles were still functioning and she could still grasp pleasure from Sara's company, then everything was alright, and she needn't worry at all.

She smiled while her head rested on the pillow once again. And Sara smiled as she covered them with the blanket once again. "I needed that." Tegan kept smiling.

"Ya." Sara too, she smiled so fucking big, it's as if they hadn't had such an emotional day. "I think we both needed that." Sara escaped a relaxed sigh.

"Sara?" Tegan curiously asked.

"Yes, my love."

Tegan adored when her lover addressed her like that. "I really want you to use a dildo on me. I want to feel it. I want _you_ to do it." It's funny, because when Tegan said the last sentence, something in her mind told her that she wanted Sara to do it before anything could happen and Sara wouldn't be the one doing it after all. She wouldn't be able to live her life not knowing how it feels Sara fucking her like that.

"I was thinking about that too. That's why I wanted to stretch you well. I wanted you to get used to it." Sara admitted. "I was thinking," She paused, allowing a soft chuckle to leave her lips. "maybe we could use a feeldoe? Do you know what that is?" Tegan shook her head. "It's a strapless dildo, one end goes in me, and the one that's like a dick goes in you." Sara looked at her. "So it's like I'm fucking your with my own cock? Like I'm really doing it? Plus it will make us be even more connected."

Tegan giggled and pushed her face in Sara's chest. "This is making me blush just imagining it." She giggled once again and Sara joined her. "Yes, I'd like that."

"Okay, that's good. I'll purchase one as soon as I can." Sara pecked her head. "And Tegan?" Sara whispered again. Tegan hummed. "Thank you." Before Tegan could say anything, Sara continued, "For what you did in the morning. For not leaving. Thank you."

All Tegan could do was kiss Sara's chest multiples of times.


	29. Ill Angels

**Chapter 29: Ill Angels.**

"Okay, now we're here. Spill it all out." Emy and Tegan sat opposite to each other in the coffee shop right after they finished university.

Tegan, much like every human being, she wanted someone to talk to. She wanted fresh air to breathe. She wanted some change from the atmosphere of Sara's sickly apartment. Sara didn't say anything when Tegan told her she'd go out with her friend after university. In fact, Sara encouraged her to go and be with her friend.

Those days Tegan felt that Sara no longer wanted her around. When they hugged, it all felt forced and throttling. When they slept together, they only did it when Sara desired to. It's true that the sex was more emotional than ever, but one couldn't deny the distance that was growing between them each time they're done. It's as if only in that hour of the restless night they united, and then they drifted apart like magnets a force controlled. And Sara was always in her own little bubble, always thinking, always lost in the abyss of her mind, always staring at space. Sara was also always in pain, and she never liked to reveal it. Tegan assumed it's out of embarrassment, but Tegan always knew when Sara was in pain.

It's not like Tegan could do anything anymore. She begged and pleaded for her girlfriend to see a doctor and her girlfriend told her that she did. Any type of conversation that Tegan opened about Sara's health only ended up in shouting and hollering in the apartment, which began to upset their neighbors. They received many complaints in the past week, therefore Tegan couldn't do anything anymore. She needed an advice, and the first person she thought of was her best friend.

She knew that her latest distance from her friends complicated matters between them, but her friends were good ones and they always supported her in times of need. When she asked Emy to go out after university, she received nothing but a warm smile and a cheery consent.

"How did you know I wanted to talk to you about something?" Tegan asked with a surprise.

Emy gave her one of those looks she was familiar with while the brunette sipped her hot chocolate. "I'm your best friend, silly. I know you like I know myself." Emy wiped her mouth with the napkin and continued, "You've been..." Emy paused. "very distracted lately. What's up?"

Tegan looked outside for a few seconds then looked back at her friend. So much she wanted to say, so many feelings she wanted to cry about, so many emotions were freezing her up and building her anxiety higher. "I don't know where to start."

Emy gave a nod, reaching for Tegan's hand and touching it. These small gestures reminded Tegan of her lover, that only caused her anxiety to rise. "Breathe." Her friend whispered. "Breathe and start with whatever makes you comfortable. If you want, we can walk back to the dorm so you'll be more comfortable." Tegan shook her head. She didn't want to go back to her dorm room. Something within her said that if she went there that meant Sara and her were not the type of lovers she thought they were. If she went there it meant that Sara and her were just an ordinary couple. If she went there, she and Sara wouldn't be together until they're eighty. There wouldn't be a child in two or more years, there wouldn't be a family, there wouldn't be happiness, there wouldn't be anything of those promises they made to each other if Tegan went to her dorm room.

"It's so private, Emy. I don't even know what to say." How can someone tell their friend about the complications in their sex life? Physical complications their lover is having.

"It's about you and Sara?" Tegan nodded and sighed.

"I'm not sure what's happening between us. I think..." Tegan stared out of the window again. The glass wasn't going to shatter and the sky wasn't going to suck her in. The ground wasn't going to break in half, and the hole wouldn't swallow her corpse. None of that was going to happen as she hoped magically it would. "I think Sara is really sick." She looked at her helpless hands on her lap. She wished they were magical, powerful, and big enough to heal a wound with a touch. But they were only her small and tiny hands which held Sara close at night. Then Sara escaped their grip and isolated herself alone to shed nightly tears in the bathroom. Tegan would grip her helpless hands because they let Sara go and grieve alone in the middle of the night.

"What do you mean she's sick?"

Tegan looked up at her friend once again. "Sara had cancer, uterus cancer." Flabbergasted, her friend gasped. "Ya. She umm...she got a hysterectomy a year ago...last summer, actually. She healed, as she says."

"And? You think she's lying?" Emy cut her off before she could finish.

"No...I mean." Tegan didn't know how she was going to explain the obstacles they're both having in sex. "You see...when we have sex, uh..." She looked at the window again.

"Tegan, you don't need to be embarrassed about it. It's fine."

"It's just..." Her high-pitched, nervous chuckle came even louder that time. "Her cervix, whenever any contact happens there, she gets hurt. It wasn't like that last month. Now it's happening a lot lately. She cries a lot. She keeps speaking in riddles and throwing random lines of poetry at me. She keeps crying. She either pushes me away or sticks close to me. She prefers if I don't go in, because I hurt her. But she, you know, she touches herself, but I can't." She took a breath as her friend continued nodding at every word she said. "It's fucked up. Our relationship is...fucked up. I told her to go to the doctor. She did, as she said. But I don't believe her. She told me everything is alright and that's just a side effect. I mean I looked it up, and I know for some people sex becomes uncomfortable, but also...I..."

"You think it's back?" Her friend had a frown on her face, a pitiful one.

Tegan sighed again. "I'm afraid so."

"I honestly don't know what to say, Tegan." Her friend rested her back on the chair, also sighing. "You want my advice?"

"I do...but I already know it." Emy gave a nod. What would the friend say anyway? It's an unhealthy relationship and Tegan needed a break from all of that. Tegan knew that, but she couldn't leave Sara. One, because she promised Sara she wouldn't leave even though Sara was pushing her away the more she stayed. Two, because Tegan wanted Sara more than anything or anyone. She knew that without this woman she'd be even more afflicted than she felt with anguished, cheerless Sara. "I'm scared." A tear fell out of her lids. "I see her cry everyday and it really hurts me. She said she's scared. I don't think she wants to know what's the matter with her. It makes me even more horrified."

"That's too much. I'm really sorry, Tegan. I honestly didn't know you're dealing with all of this." Her friend reached for her hand once again. "You're dealing with things someone your age shouldn't be dealing with. You should be happy."

"She makes me happy, Emy." Her cries were witnessed by the strangers around them, but Tegan didn't care. "But only when she's happy, and she's never happy anymore."

"I think..." Emy took a deep breath. "You should support her." That was a surprising advice Tegan wasn't really prepared to hear from her friend. "That's all a partner can do in such situations. If you leave her, it wouldn't be such a wise decision. I know she's a woman hard to deal with, and I honestly think you're brave for being with her. She's hard to understand, Tegan. I don't know how you do it, but I don't think I can take all of the baggage that comes with loving her." Tegan chuckled through her sobs. Her friend was speaking of the truth she kept on denying, even though her friend didn't even know about half of the clouds that Sara carried. "But leaving someone in distress is never a good thing. So I say you support her until you guys figure it out."

"What if she's ill, Emy? What would happen of us? Can such thing be back?"

"It's cancer, Tegan." Her friend chuckled sympathetically. "It doesn't really leave until it either kills you or kills everything in you." Tegan couldn't bear hearing such facts. "It usually spreads to other parts of the body, or appears in other parts. I really don't know, Tegan. Like you said, this is something very private and it involves both of you. You need to figure it out all on your own."

_You're on your own now_. How could Tegan forget such a quote from that book she and Sara read? The same quote Sara expressed with heavy emotions. The same quote that meant a lot. The same day Sara told her that with every hello, there's a goodbye. Now she was just like Tony Webster. She's on her own. She couldn't take any advice. No, she's not responsible for her friend's suicide like Tony, but she's the one who should figure out what to do with a lover pushing her away every passing minute. She's on her own and nobody could help her but herself.

She sniffled and wiped her tears. "You're right. I'm on my own."

"I'm sorry I can't help you." Emy apologized.

"No, you did help me. You listened. Thank you, Emy." Her friend stood up and before Tegan could react, Emy reached out to hug her.

"You can always talk to me, okay?" Her friend looked her in the eye, her two oceans glimmering with sincerity. Tegan nodded and wiped another tear. They made quite the scene, but why should she care anymore? She couldn't really care anymore.

Then both of them walked around the town. From one store to another. From one shirt to another pants. Tegan saw a shirt which reminded her of Sara. She thought her lover would like the navy button down. Tegan purchased the shirt for her lover.

"Is Jeremy still angry at me?" Tegan asked her friend who was inside the fitting room.

"He's not really angry at you. He just thinks this relationship is bad for you." Her friend opened the door with the new jeans she was trying on. "What do you think? I gained some weight, right?"

Her friend did gain some more calories on her thighs, but Tegan pretended as if her eyes didn't see them. "No, you look great." Tegan continued, "But that's none of his business. He's being such an ass to me."

Her friend returned inside once again. "Ya, I told him that." Emy paused and Tegan thought she stopped talking. "You know, Tee," Emy then mumbled something incomprehensible about the button of the jeans. "Jeremy has huge ass feelings for you."

Tegan giggled a bit too loud. That was a humorous joke. "Come on, Emy. Thought we're done with that. Now you know I'm totally gay and Jeremy has zero feelings for me."

Emy appeared once again with the jeans she was wearing in hands. "I never lied about him liking you. He's the one who lied for me. He really has so much feelings for you. He told me last week. And that's why he's so overprotective. He doesn't wanna see you sad or hurt. He thinks Sara is going to hurt you."

"Wow." It was in fact humorous. She lived her whole life wanting to feel loved. Both her friends were in love with her, as well as her lover, but she still felt anything but loved. Was it her fault she felt that way? Or was the love they offered unsatisfying to her longing heart? She's not even sure if her best friend was still in love with her. She didn't appear as she was, but then again, Emy faked it so well till one of the blows.

It's like she was in this whirlwind, in this triangle. She's in the middle and in each angle her friends and her lover stood. To be true to herself, Tegan appreciated Jeremy's concerns, only because being with Sara felt more toxic than the cigarettes she inhaled. But she loved Sara, and her friend, who apparently loved her, should respect that.

"Tegan, if you miss Jeremy you can just give him a call. He has the kindest heart, you know. You're the one who pushed us away, we didn't."

"I know." She puffed. "I'm sorry about that. I was too caught up in the moment, I'm sorry."

Her friend laughed. "It's fine, Tee. We just want you to be happy." But she was not.

Then it was time to go home, and whatever meaning the word home held inside Tegan's head, it meant wherever Sara was. As corny as that sounds, her home wasn't in California anymore, nor it was the dorm room, nor even Sara's apartment, because Sara's apartment indicated frost, and home should be warm. Her home was Sara. When she saw Sara, she's sure she's still standing on solid ground, and still nothing had shaken her world.

She walked inside the apartment and she didn't know what state she'd see Sara in. She definitely didn't think she'd see her in the state Sara was actually in.

Her lover giggled as she saw her and stood on the sofa in her lacy bra and one of Tegan's boxers. "You're here."

"Ya?" With a confused smile, Tegan paced to her lover. "Why are you on the couch?" Sara giggled once again. "And what the fuck are you wearing? Isn't this mine?" Tegan tugged at her boxers, which caused them to slide down and reveal hints of the pubic hair on Sara's mound.

Sara giggled once again, pulling the material up. "Stop it." Sara couldn't stop giggling. "What's that in your hand? What did you get?" Sara looked at the bags in Tegan's hand.

Tegan was looking at the reason of Sara's merriment. "You're drunk." She whispered with a sigh.

Sara pushed her down on the couch. "No." She denied. "Just a little bit tipsy." Sara took the first bag and pulled out the navy button down. "That's nice."

"That's for you." Tegan said, looking at her lover's feet on top of her lap.

"I was hoping you'd say that." Sara winked again, but Tegan couldn't really fake a smile. The bottle of vodka just stood there on the coffee table. Her lover sat there with happiness made by alcohol, which meant it was only happiness for the short moments of delirium. The fact that it wasn't even seven in the evening yet made Tegan more anxious.

The only alcoholic beverages her lover gulped were wine and beer, and only in late hours of night. Now her lover was as wasted as she could be, laughing for no reason at all. Tegan couldn't share that joy because she knew what's inside that constructed happiness were merely broken walls and crumbled brick.

"So I got you something too." Sara held onto her hand, leaving the shirt on the sofa and motioning for the younger woman to follow her. "What's wrong? Cheer up, Tee Tee." Sara pulled her by both hands to their room.

"It's too early to get drunk."

"I swear I'm sober. I'm just a little bit tipsy, I just wanna be energetic for..." Sara's ears began to redden. "for this." Sara pointed at her bed, or the object on it, to be specific. "Remember when we said we're gonna get a feeldoe?" Sara said she was going to get it. Tegan didn't think Sara was actually going to do it.

Tegan didn't really know what to say. The purple two-sided toy met her eyes and they immediately widened. It made her girlfriend giggle once again. "Look how cute it is." Sara reached for the toy and held it in her hand. "It's purple and doesn't look like a real cock just like you asked me." Sara giggled again but Tegan was terrified. "See this end?" Sara motioned to the bulbous part. "This will go in me." Sara then motioned to the wand. "This will go in you." With a big smile, Sara stroked the purple length.

Tegan sat on the bed and frowned. Yes, she wanted Sara to do that with her, she wanted that connection, she wanted something new, and she wanted something more inside her, but not with an intoxicated lover.

Sara sat beside her and sighed. "You don't wanna do that." She remarked. "It's fine if you don't wanna do it, I don't wanna pressure you. I just thought..."

"No, I want to, but..."

"Not when I'm like that." Sara finished for her. "Tegan, I have to be like that in order to do that. I have to get myself as hyper as I can and as wet as I can for us to enjoy this."

"I get it." Tegan stated. "Sex been hard for you lately. I'm not stupid, Sara."

"Can we not go there?" Sara's voice was so little Tegan couldn't argue with her.

Before her lover could get up and leave, Tegan grabbed her by the hand and pulled her back on the mattress. "No." Tegan closed the distance between them by inching closer. "I really wanna do this with you." She felt her girlfriend's alcoholic breath on her lips. "Right now." She painted a smile that hid millions of questioning tears behind, closed the distance between them, and kissed her lover with every passion she still had within her.

Sara pulled away with a genuine smile pasted upon her lips. "Ya? You sure?" Even in moments of hesitancy, when Sara asked for her consent and desired her content, Tegan wouldn't have the guts within her to object. She couldn't say no to Sara's saintly smile.

With a bitten lip, the student gave a consenting nod, unzipping her leather jacket as the heat began to transfer from one heart to another, slowly melting the emotions in order to bring them all out of these two women who lived inside a shadow of a love slowly untangling.

Sara helped her student out of her clothes as slowly as one could. It's obvious, the professor wanted to bring the best comfort to her student, but what would a person do when their heart drummed louder than the thunder and they felt their food trying to make a reverse through their esophagus? Tegan tried to breathe the best she could, she tried to let her mind rest and relax, she tried to enjoy that and live in the moment. That is what she wanted all along, that kind of unity in bed, then why that uneasiness pulled her back and made her try to mope over the lost pieces of the puzzle instead of seeking to fill them? Perhaps because she couldn't find the missing pieces? Perhaps because she couldn't solve the puzzle?

"Lay down and relax, it won't hurt, I promise." The older woman felt her discomfort. But Tegan wasn't even worried about that, she didn't even know what she was dreading. However, she felt it, it's the song of death, the song of anxiety, the song of fear. It rang and it resonated in her ears once again.

Sara helped her out of her jeans and then caressed her soft legs. "I want you to relax completely. I want you to feel every thrust, and feel how much I love you. I want you to always remember how much I love you." While Sara was filling her with words which stung the opened wounds, she kissed her belly and pulled down her underwear. "Whenever you're going to remember this moment, I want you to know how much I really loved you in this moment." Sara unhooked her bra from behind and left the younger woman naked and shivering on the mattress.

_'Two bodies face to face_

_are at times two waves_

_and night is an ocean.'_

Her lover recited another poem that she had never heard. Then a kiss followed the small verse.

_'Two bodies face to face_

_are at times two stones_

_and night is a desert.'_

Sara looked into her eyes as their bodies faced each other and their faces tried to search for something deeper than the silence they danced between.

Sara was out of her clothes as well. Then she was on top of Tegan once again. "I wanna make you really wet before we use it. I want you to enjoy it the deeper it will go." Sara sensually whispered in her ears before she began to nibble on the flesh of her earlobe.

The tingly sensations began to invade Tegan's body. The melodic moans started erupting out of her lungs as every part of her flesh was kissed, caressed, and touched so softly it made her whither for more.

She felt Sara's lovely bosom atop of her own, she felt Sara's hardened nipples brushing her own. She felt the hair on her girlfriend's mound tangling with the one on her own. And their bodies collided as her lover smothered her in kisses on every sweet spot atop of her supple neck. Her breath hitched and her hands began to work on finding anything to ravish while her lover sucked the tenderness of her breasts. Her core ached with the need to be touched, and her clit twitched the way it always did when her lover handled her so gently and teased her till the very last minute.

And Tegan also felt Sara's wetness and her own becoming one, and it reminded her of that one happy time they collided their pussies together and it was such a happy day till the very end. And at that very end, everything after had changed till that moment.

Sara took care of each nipple and gave each breast the fondling it needed. Then Sara moved on to Tegan's stomach and lapped the skin with her tongue and filled it with wetness. She dipped her tongue in Tegan's belly button then licked all around it till once again, her lips moved even lower until they met the hairy mound. Sara kissed it and kissed all around the pink and wet folds. She didn't touch one part from the puffed lips or the engorged clit. She lifted her head with a smile and looked at her squirming student. "I think we're both very ready." Sara panted. "Are you?" She wanted to make sure once again.

Tegan gave only a whimper and slight squeeze to the tattooed arm of her lover. Then Sara sat between Tegan's legs. She spread them apart and got up once again, helping Tegan to rest her head on Sara's pillow. Sara got out of bed and walked to the dresser, and then immediately returned with a small bottle in her hand. "I'm gonna use lube to make it easier for us. Is it okay?" Tegan provided her with a nod.

Sara took the toy and began to lubricate the oval-like ending. "This is gonna be a bit hard for me this time." The older woman whispered. "I'm trying everything I can to make us have a good sex life." It was rather obvious that Sara wasn't aware of what she was saying. If she wasn't under the effect of alcohol she wouldn't say what she's saying. "I don't think sex will be an option for me anymore if what I'm thinking of is true." And then Sara smiled, and Tegan didn't get why Sara smiled, because Tegan, she really was on the verge of tears. "You know, this thing requires a lot of muscle control. I really hope I can do it. Bear with me, okay?" Sara parted her moistened lips and took a breath, Tegan watched all of it. "When I used to do it back then, I used to wear a pantyhose and like make a hole in the middle so I can keep it in, but then I got the hang of it. It's been a long time." Sara began to push the appendix of the toy inside.

"You've done it before?" Tegan found herself asking.

"Ya." Sara winced and flinched as the other ending of the toy disappeared slowly inside of her. "With umm...Katina." Sara smiled after lifting her head up once again.

"Is it hurting you?"

"Just a bit." Sara answered with a shaky voice.

"Then why are you doing this to yourself?" It's not that Tegan wanted to pick a fight, she just wanted to understand Sara and what Sara was thinking.

"Because I love you and I love having sex with you." A tear slid down Tegan's eyes as she shook her head. "Now, don't ruin it." Sara cautiously whispered. She began to lubricate the other ending of the toy while still smiling at Tegan.

"I'm not ruining it, I'm just trying to...oh." She felt the toy teasing her opening all of a sudden.

"Are you ready, Tegan?" Flashback to the woman who held her hand in that childhood dream and told her that her journey was over. Sara had the same voice. Could it be? But that's a different situation and Sara used different words, and Sara was a different woman. She's got to stop letting that dream control her.

Before Tegan could give a nod, the dildo was already inching inside of her moist opening. She took several deep breaths as the pressure began to fill her. The toy wasn't as huge as the one Sara used on herself more than a week ago, but it was still too big in Tegan's opinion. "Is this okay?" Sara wasn't all the way in. "Should I pull out?" The older woman reached for her hand and took it in hers.

Tegan shook her head. "Go in more." Sara moved her digits and scissored Tegan's clit as she pushed inside all the way. Tegan let out one of these high-pitched laughs which made Sara smile bigger and look at her, squeezing her cold hand. "That's not bad."

"No it's not." Sara's body took its place on top of Tegan's flushed and sweaty one. Kisses touched Tegan's neck as she felt the toy moving inside of her when Sara began to sway her hips.

Their hands were still tightly clenched together as Sara began to undulate and corrugate her hips on top of her lover. Sara's moans became louder the more she pushed in and pulled out. Tegan's other hand held Sara in place by pressing it on top of Sara's ass.

_'Two bodies face to face_

_are at times two roots_

_laced into night.'_

Sara sang as she matched the melody of her verse with the melody of her body. They looked into each other's eyes and joined the last part disunited by a kiss both of their lips and tongues craved for and hankered after.

When they pulled away, Sara rested her head on Tegan's chest, but her lower body never ceased its moving. She planted slow kisses on Tegan's ivory skin. "You will remember this till you die, right?" Tegan felt the hot breaths on her flesh.

She swallowed hard. "Will you?" She answered with another question.

"Of course I will. But will you?"

"Of course I will." Tegan chose the same words. Sara kissed her chest one more time.

"Let's change the position." Sara suggested, slowly pulling out of Tegan. Tegan moaned at the loss her body didn't want to face. "Aww, you like that inside you?"

"Ya." Tegan moaned once again, closing her eyes as Sara handled her body and controlled its posture.

"It's okay, I'll get back inside you. I was gonna come. I wanna come with you. So I figured we'll change the position to keep it exciting." Sara giggled as Tegan was pushed on her side, facing the closed curtains.

Tegan craned her neck to see what Sara was planning to do. Sara was toying with the part that was inside of her and the sight alone was mouthwatering. She wished they could feel each other while inside each other. She wished Sara could feel how the toy filled her insides, and how her walls wrapped around it as if they were waiting for the dildo for a long time. She really missed the feeling and wanted Sara to return on the mattress and penetrate her once again. "Sara," She whined. "please." Her girlfriend giggled one more time.

Sara was on her side and behind Tegan. The toy was peeking between Tegan's pressed-together thighs and it made the younger woman start thrusting her hips in order to get the friction on her entrance. Sara took one breast in a firm grip from behind and pressed her lips on Tegan's shoulder.

Then Tegan felt it, Sara began to take control of the wand and direct it where her glistening lips were aching for the slightest touch. "Oh god." Tegan threw her head to the back. "Fuck, yes." She felt the toy once again where she wanted it the most, her eyes rolled to the back of her head. "Sara." She chanted her lover's name as she felt herself becoming full once again. "Yes...oh, baby." She laid her head on Sara's shoulder and her hand touched Sara's one, which was on her breast.

Sara squealed just a bit whenever she made one strong push after the other. "Tegan," Tegan giggled just in return. "you're so tight in that position." Tegan giggled once again as if she's the one intoxicated. "I love you."

"I love you too." Tegan said through clenched teeth.

In moments of intimacy one's thoughts are known to be jumbled and filled with unrecognized emotions. Tegan couldn't concentrate well to bring herself to that orgasm, because each time it would build up, she'd think of every word Sara said to her, and that would make her head spin with thoughts she didn't want to think of in that moment. But can you blame her for that? She wanted to enjoy the moments of ecstasy, but she simply couldn't.

"Sara?" She asked, interrupting Sara's whimpers. Sara groaned as an answer. "What do you think is wrong with you?" She moaned when she felt her nipple being pinched and her walls closing in. "Answer me." She took a deep breath as another hard thrust was given to her. "Please."

"I'm so close." Sara cried. "Please come with me." Sara pleaded, her thrusts hard and a tad rough, bringing Tegan a pinch of pain and a cloud of pleasure. She pinched and circled Tegan's nipples, moving from one breast to the other, her lips began to nibble on Tegan's shoulder and Tegan couldn't help but forget the question she asked and close her eyes as her nirvana took her to the highest states of obscurity.

Tegan screamed as she felt the familiar feeling starting to crawl from her lower abdomen and enclose her insides. Sara bit harshly on her shoulder, which allowed another scream and one hard push to take over and cause her body to be met with the best sexual elation she'd ever experienced. Her orgasm exploded all at once and as strong as ever. It lasted longer than ever as she rode it and Sara helped as well, still pushing in and out but very slowly and very gently. "Ohhh." She whimpered.

Sara's tongue ran across the shape of her teeth engraved upon Tegan's shoulder, easing the pain she caused and kissing softly at every bite.

_'Two bodies face to face_

_are at times two knives_

_and night strikes sparks.'_

Sara whispered once again, her voice broken and hoarse.

When Tegan felt the toy slowly taken out of her, all her thoughts and conscious solicitude returned back to encircle her mind and body. She lied on her back once again and looked at Sara dealing with the post-coital discomfort she'd been dealing with. She waited till Sara got rid of the toy completely before she asked, "What does that mean?" Sara lay beside her. "The poem, what does it mean? I don't get it. I don't get you anymore." Tegan swallowed her tears inside, but her voice indicated they were about to to make an appearance.

"I think I have cervical cancer." Sara whispered.

Then Tegan began to cry. She began to sob because that was one of the first and most common results to what she searched for online. "Why did you lie to me? Why did you tell me you went to the doctor?"

"I'm scared. I can't bring my body to go and make sure." Sara dryly said, she wasn't crying that time. "Some signs say that's what I have, some say it's normal to face that pain or bleed after sex or during it. I don't know. I'm scared."

Tegan looked at her. "What are you gonna do now? Just wait for it like that? Just be scared? You don't wanna know and treat it? You just wanna suffer this pain? Till when?"

"I won't." Sara said through gritted teeth, her voice rising. "I didn't wanna tell you because of this. Because I know you'd say these things. I know what I'm doing. Don't think I haven't gotten tests already. You don't know what goes on in my life, Tegan."

"Wow, okay." Tegan began to sit up. "Okay." She chuckled through tears.

"Don't go." Sara ordered, her arm tight around Tegan's wrist. "I didn't mean that. Please try to put up with me." Sara didn't cry, but Tegan could feel the anguish the older woman was imprisoned in.

Tegan didn't go, she returned back on the mattress and stared at the ceiling, staring at Sara's eyes felt nothing but staring at white fog. She would never be able to get her anymore.

_'Two bodies face to face_

_are two stars falling_

_in an empty sky.'_

Sara whispered after sometime. And then Tegan began to get it.

The next day went as smoothly as a boring day could go. Sara cooked and Tegan cleaned. Then they watched movies till it was time for bed. And in darkness, they had sex once again while avoiding looking into each other's eyes. It's easier to look away when you don't want to be faced with the facts that you're haunted by an ill angel that's becoming the plague of your relationship.

Emptiness? Well it's just a bed they shared, and now Tegan got it because their relationship lacked truthful communication, and it lacked the spark they once had. Maybe they're like those married couples who stay together for the sake of the kids and the house they built together. But these couples are usually in a relationship that lasted twenty years or more. Tegan and Sara had been dating for two months, they didn't share anything and Sara said it loud and clear, Tegan knew nothing about Sara and now she got it; what Sara wanted her to know, she knew, what Sara didn't want her to know, she could never find out about. It was as simple as that. So when she was put between two lines, knowing there's something bruising their relationship but at the same time not knowing what it was, that was when the relationship began to dance on a thin thread.

Sara was ill, that is a fact. What's wrong with Sara? She didn't know. Was curable? She couldn't find out. Sara didn't wanna tell her, and if she opened a conversation about it, Sara became angry and asked her to stay away until she would really begin to go then Sara would plead for her to stay. It's a game Sara was building and it reminded her of those games Sara played just two months before and last year. Except this one wasn't in any way exciting. Also, this one if played wrong, it would definitely lead to their doom.

Tegan was scared of nothing more than their expected doom. So she put up with it all. She put up with Sara's hot and cold soul, with the stay and go tug of war, with the crying and the screaming, with the emotional, but at the same time, empty sex, with the laughs and the tender whispers, she put up with every opposite contradiction Sara began to show and she tried to breathe whenever she approached Sara, because she was not ready for that relationship to end as much as it hurt her to stay in it. She knew it would hurt her more to walk out of Sara's life. She couldn't even let Sara face all these cruel brutes the world sent for her. Sara was vulnerable and maybe Tegan was weak, but she could try and she was trying until the last breath that relationship would take.

The next day another wild storm took its place inside the tiny apartment.

Sara handed out their midterm papers and the shock was at its best when Tegan found out she had had one of the lowest grades in class. The younger woman waited for her professor to return home to start the fight she was plotting inside her head, not caring about the neighbors who were sick of them. "What the fuck is this?" She held her paper to Sara's eyes as soon as the older woman slammed the door. "Twenty out of thirty, really?" Tegan was crying for the past two hours and she didn't stop, her shouts were loud and her voice was rough.

"I have office hours, you can discuss this in there. And just so you know, you got exactly what you deserve to get." With a monotonous tone, Sara answered. She threw her keys on the kitchen counter and headed to the room.

But Tegan stopped her before she could enter. "Spare me that bullshit. You slept with me in your office. If you wanna be fair, you're the one who don't know anything about being professional." Tegan yelled and Sara just stood there like a broken brick. "Answer me. Talk to me." The student cried. "Emy had a higher mark. I read her paper, Sara. Try to tell me mine is not well written. Try to tell me hers is better than mine. Twenty? Really?"

"I'll fix it in the final for you. For now, it's better you get this grade." Sara simply said once again, not moving, not shifting in her place. Her arms were wrapped against her chest and her lips pursed.

"Oh, so you admit that you put this on purpose. How much do I deserve to get? Tell me."

Sara sighed. "If we're being realistic, none of you deserve above fifteen, but I didn't wanna be that much of a bitch."

"So you decided you'd be a bitch only with me, because why not be a bitch with the one you're sleeping with? You'll shut her up later with some empty words and emotionless sex." Then Tegan regretted saying what she said. She closed her eyes and took her breath. "I didn't mean to say that."

"Yes you did." Sara answered. "I know that's how you feel." She chuckled. "I wanted to give you twenty-five." She pursed her lips once again and let them out with a pop. "Until I was sent a warning to stop playing favourites with a_ specific_ student."

"And is that my fault, Sara?"

"I didn't say it is your fault. I just said that everyone is suspecting." Before Tegan could say anything, Sara continued, "I know." She said loudly. "It's because of me, I know."

"Tell me, Sara." The student looked into her professor's eyes. These eyes once frightened her, then she fell in love with the way they brought that terror within her, and now they're like a dull land with no life on it. "Did I deserve the thirty you gave me last year or did you do it just to make me like you more?"

When Sara didn't answer, when her ears reddened and brightened in shade, when she looked at the silent floor, Tegan laughed in irony. "I knew it." With defeat, Tegan walked to the sofa.

"It doesn't mean you're not smart enough, I just..." Sara's justification was shut off by Tegan's ringtone. Tegan didn't allow Sara to continue and picked her phone up.

"Mom." Tegan's flourishing emotions all flew out of her lips when she said that word. She knew who she needed the most those days, yet she couldn't really say it. She hoped her mother would know.

"I'm really disappointed in you." Her mother's words stabbed her hopes to seek help as they came cold and pregnant with furry. "I never thought you'd do this, Tegan. Dating your professor? Really? Is that what you were hiding from me all along? Dating this woman? Just fucking up your life like that? Out of all the people in this world, her? What did she do to get you to date her? You can tell me. She forced you? Sexually harassed you? Blackmailed you? I can get her fired, I can cause her to wish she's dead, Tegan." Her mother sobbed through the phone, which wasn't really helping and made Tegan resume her tears.

"No, mom. No, don't say that. She didn't. I love her. Who told you? Did Emy tell you? Mom, Sara didn't do anything. I swear to God. Sara loves me and I love her too. Mom, I'm old enough. I know what I'm doing. Listen to me, mom. You told me to date whoever I love. I love her and she never hurt me." She looked at Sara as she said all of these words, begging her mother to understand the love she couldn't neglect.

She lied and lied well. Sara hurt her, Sara hurt her everyday, but how could she not lie? She didn't wanna lose Sara because the love she felt wasn't going to get erased by any type of pain the older woman would cause.

"If your dad knows this, he'd lose his mind. He'd never have mercy on that woman, Tegan. I didn't tell him because I know he's not that rational." Silence and sniffling came in the pause. "You don't know what you're doing, honey. I'm scared for you. You're not thinking right. This is gonna hurt you, it's not gonna end well. Tegan, think clearly. Honey, I just want you to think clearly. Please, Tegan." Her mother begged. "Please think about what you're doing."

"Mom, I'm happy with her. She's a good woman." She smiled at Sara through tears, only because Sara was crying as well. "You can talk to her, you'll see how much of a good woman she is. She loves me and she makes me happy, I promise you."

"This is not gonna end well." Sonia said. "You think you're doing the right thing, but it won't end well."

"Mom, who told you?" Furious, she asked.

"I just put the pieces together. It's too obvious." If her mother could guess it without even being around, that meant it was easier for everyone to see it. That meant everyone around them could see it. That meant she was putting Sara's job at risk. That meant things managed to get worse than they were.

"What do you want me to do?" It was easy to guess what her mother would say, but she asked anyway.

"To wake up. To see what you're doing. You need to leave her and if she threatens you or tries to hurt you, you tell us and we do something about it. She probably tricked you. She played with your mind. She probably wants something from you. She's probably after your money or maybe she's lonely and wants to have fun."

"Mom, stop." She never thought she'd yell at her mother, but she couldn't bear the words she heard. "She's none of that. Don't you get it? I fucking love her, I wanted to be with her. She's not after anything, she doesn't want anything from me. You don't know her. You can't say that. You can't accuse her and judge her without even meeting her." She shouted through tears, never removing her eyes from Sara's watery ones. "I'm not gonna leave her. We're dating. If you want to get to know her, you can talk to her, other than that, you can't do anything about it."

"Is that all you have to say?"

"Yes." Tegan, confidently said.

"Then don't call me crying when this woman is done with you." And that's how the phone call ended with her mother. She chose Sara, who hurt her each day but still loved her, over her mother. It was ridiculous, what her mother said and did was beyond ridiculous. Sara is a good woman, that was not a lie. Sara was only tired and scared, she couldn't blame her. She couldn't leave her.

"Tegan." Sara swallowed and Tegan looked up at her sharp features and at her bloodshot eyes. "I think we should break up."

**...**

_By a route obscure and lonely,_

_Haunted by ill angels only,_

This is my route, it is my dream, it is my street, it is my journey. Haunted by ill angels only. They all go by the name of Sara. Oh, dear, can one forget Sara? How can you forget her when they keep reminding you of her? Am I ready? Do you think I'm ready to talk about Sara, to be surrounded by her halo once again? Do you think I'm ready for my meeting? Do you think I can do it? Do you think I'm doing the wrong thing? What if I can't make it? What if I cave in and walk away once again? But I let her down once, I can't let her down again. I have to do what I should have done a long time ago. I wonder what's gonna happen, what am I gonna hear, what am I gonna see. I wonder what words will be said and if the talk is gonna make me cry like I used to do when I was youthful and charming. What if I break down? What if I make a fool out of myself? What if I hear hurtful words that will remind me of what happened? But I didn't do everything on my own, I've said it before, we've both hurt each other, I swear I didn't mean to do what I've done. I wanted to stay with her till the end, I really wanted to be there till it's over.

_And thus the sad Soul that here passes_

_Beholds it but through darkened glasses._


	30. April

**Chapter 30: April. **

"Tegan," Sara swallowed and Tegan looked up at her sharp features and at her bloodshot eyes. "I think we should break up."

_No._ She didn't hear well. She must have heard wrong. She must have misheard the words. "What?" With orbs dilated and a breath heavy, she repeated, "What?"

"I..." Sara resumed her sobs. "It's not fair what you're going through because of me." Sara choked on her sobs, her words made no sense, not because they were stabbed with her wailing, but because Tegan just couldn't absorb what Sara was saying. "I think it's best if we break up. You deserve better, you don't deserve someone as cruel and as old as me. You deserve someone who has good health and can give you what you want." It's not that it's clear, but it was written in the simplest of meanings that Sara was just saying what she was saying because she felt guilty. Sara didn't want them to break up.

Tegan knew this fact about Sara, she cries when defeated and in need for something. She cries when desperate and in great fear. She cries when she hasn't made up her mind. She cries when she's confused and feeling lost. If Sara really wanted them to break up she'd say it with the coldest of emotions and with the harshest of words. Her eyes would be throwing knives and her head would be moving in a robotic manner. When Sara was stiff and well composed, she's sure of what she's doing and asking, even though she knew it's not the best decision. When Sara was cold and brick-like, it meant she had made up her mind and no force in the universe was able to change it. But Sara was crying and rambling, strongest signs of the weakness she carried within her.

"You deserve someone who can show you love." Sara continued.

"No." Tegan protested, moving towards her lover. "No." She repeated as she faced the older woman. "I am not leaving you, Sara." She took the woman's face between her hands. "I love you. You give me all I want. I don't care how old you are, I don't care how sick you are, I don't care about the complications in sex, I don't care about that. I care about you. I love you, I wanna be with you. Sara, we can't break up. I swear I won't be okay if we did." The crying continued as they stared into each other's eyes.

"But I'm hurting you. Look what happened with your mother. Look what's happening with your grades. You're losing your friends. I'm nothing but a burden." Sara sniffled. "It gets harder everyday to be myself and I..." She stuttered because of her tears. "I can't even be myself anymore. I'm confused and I'm tired and everything bad is returning. I don't want you to see that. I don't want you to see me like that." Tegan kept shaking her head, she didn't care. If Sara left her that would be the greatest injury of them all. "You're young, you deserve to live and be happy, not be with someone like me."

"But I love you." Tegan whispered.

"Sometimes love isn't enough." But that's not true. Tegan could live with her love with a Sara who hurt her but she wouldn't live with her love without Sara around. What would she do with all the love? Who would she give it to? That love was for Sara and Sara only. Love was more than enough for her.

"No." Tegan protested like a young child. "You don't mean what you're saying. You don't want us to break up. I know you." Sara did not respond. "See? You don't want that. You're just being selfless. But we both know we won't be okay. You need me as much as I need you. I am in love with you because it is you, Sara. Can't you understand it? I don't care how much misery you cause me, I'd stay unless you want me to go away and you really mean it. I'd stay until you don't want me near you anymore. Do you, Sara? Do you not want me to stay?" She took a deep breath, pausing her tears. "If you really don't want me in your life anymore, tell me."

Sara shook her head while still in the act of crying. Tegan never thought she'd see the woman crying as much. Everyday, she's proved wrong. "I can't tell you that, because I'd be lying. And maybe I lie a lot to you, but I can't lie about that."

A smile finally appeared on the student's face. She locked the distance between them. "We're not breaking up. I don't care what my mother says or does, it's my life not hers."

Sara's arms wrapped around her as the professor took her student in a solid and needy embrace. Tegan didn't see it surprising, but she didn't see it coming as well. She kissed the head on her shoulder and felt the tears staining her blouse.

It's like wistfulness became their remedy and company. The ghost that would dance and orbit between them in bed. They were building a wall of distance each time they embraced. Nostalgia was a bittersweet factor that connected them and pulled them apart.

Sara kissed the shoulder she bruised each night. Tegan would wake up every morning and drain it in ice but the bite marks and the scratches wouldn't fade. And maybe Tegan would have loved them if she didn't know that the reason her skin was wounded was due to the rushing pain with each orgasm her lover reached.

"Can we slow dance?" Sara asked, voice muffled by her lips pressed to Tegan's shoulder.

"Slow dance?" The younger woman raised an eyebrow. Another thing she didn't expect Sara to say. She should get used to it by now, Sara was never predictable. Sara constantly bewildered her with every word or request, she must get used to it by now.

Sara looked up at her with a weary smile. "Ya? Right now."

"But we don't have music." _Slow dancing? That's silly, that's cheesy._ "And I don't know how to slow dance."

"It's alright. We'll just move." Sara didn't wait any longer, she hurried in putting both hands on each shoulder. Tegan felt hesitant. She stared at her bare feet and at Sara's shoes-clad ones. What if Sara stepped on her foot? "Put your hands on my hips. I'm pretty sure you've seen someone doing it before." Sara looked down at their feet as well.

Tegan put both hands on Sara's hips. She looked at both of their legs. Sara was in a skirt and she's in pajama shorts. That was a funny way to slow dance, but then again, they were a funny couple. A couple who expected the firing doom, yet they tried the hardest to hold the poles of their love with their hands, afraid the roof of their secrecy might fall and crash the two of them.

She bumped Sara's chin when she raised her head. "Oww." Sara whined.

"Me oww." Tegan held the top of her head. "Not you. Your jaw makes me oww." Sara began to chortle as loudly as she ever did. She lowered her hand and put it above Tegan's, making them both begin to sway slowly.

"Let me kiss your oww." Sara stood on her tiptoes to reach Tegan's head and kiss it.

"Fuck, Sara oww." Sara stepped on Tegan's foot while kissing her head.

"Oops. I'm so sorry." The professor bit her lip, and Tegan, she couldn't help not to smile.

Sara started moving swiftly, careful not to step on her student's foot once again, helping her move from one step to another without music to make their dancing melodic. "If we had music, which song would you play?" Tegan asked.

Sara looked up at her with a thinking face. "_Slow Dancing In A Burning Room_." She simply answered, returning her head on Tegan's shoulder.

"I don't know that song but I have a feeling it's a sappy, bitter one." She felt the chuckle of her paramour vibrating against her covered skin.

"Thought you'd know it. It's what you kids these days hear."

"Kids these days?" Tegan locked both of her hands behind Sara's back, not leaving any inch untouched between their bodies. "You're fourteen years older not forty." She snorted.

"What song would _you_ choose?" Sara asked.

"Well," Tegan paused in order to think. "there's this song by my favourite band. It's called _The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows_. I really love it. But like the acoustic version not the real one because that one is like so loud and the acoustic one is so soft and all." She heard and also felt Sara cackling. "I would choose _The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot_ but this one is also sappy and really sad and I don't wanna be sad, I am not sad."

"You're not?"

"No." Tegan contemplated about her state of mind. If she kept denying her distress, perhaps it would diminish. "I am happy because you're here." If she continued pretending she's happy, perchance one day she'd be. They always say that you manifest your fear and bring it to your own home. You manifest what you do not want near, you welcome it inside and wrap your emptiness around it until you wear it like a dress and you flow in it like the waves. So she decided she'd not fear departure because it would bring it near. She decided she'd think of satisfaction, perhaps the physical forces of the world would bid it welcome until it became their permanent family member instead of the guest in disguise of separation and remove that it was.

"I have a cousin," Sara began to speak once again. "her name is Audrey." Tegan heard her name mentioned before on Stacy's tongue. "We used to be kinda really close, but at the same time she'd do anything just to make me feel that I am less. She always made sure to assure me that she can get all she wants and I can get nothing. She always had to prove she's better than me."

"She's a bitch." Tegan stated.

"Uh, ya." She agreed. "One time in this dance in high school she said to me, 'Nobody ever will slow dance with you if you continued looking like a man.'"

"What the fuck?" Tegan parted their embrace to look at her girlfriend with utter confusion.

"Yes." Sara laughed. "I took it too personally and almost punched her."

"Then what happened?" Tegan asked, rather amused, a bit annoyed with another member of Sara's family.

"Stacy did it for me." Sara giggled. "Then Stacy and I danced together."

"Wow." They were crying and now they're laughing, she's glad her lover was lightening up the mood. "Stacy seems really overprotective."

"Ya." Sara nodded. "It suffocates me sometimes." Because Stacy treated Sara as a weak human who couldn't take care of herself and Tegan knew exactly how that felt, so she didn't even ask Sara about it.

"Is everyone in your family a bitch? Do you not have one good member at all?" She felt bad for asking that way and regretted it immediately.

"I love my grandfather. He was a good man." Sara whispered. "Never met my grandma, and the other one lives in France with my other grandfather so we're not that close." Sara pursed her lips. "Audrey has a brother, he's good-hearted." Sara continued taking short pauses after each sentence to recollect her thoughts. "Adam is about twenty three by now, I think."

"Oh he's young." Tegan said and Sara nodded.

"He wanted to set me up with his friend." Sara laughed. "Who's a girl." She laughed again. "First, I was shocked he knew I date girls as well as boys. Then I told him to fuck off because the girl is like ten years younger than me." Tegan raised an eyebrow. "It's before I ever saw you. Two years ago." Sara's head took its place back on the student's shoulder. "Now I'm dating a woman fourteen years younger than me." Before Tegan could say anything, Sara continued, "And I don't mind it at all." She whispered.

Then they kept moving, swiftly and slowly. Tegan heard their feet hitting the ground, she also heard their breaths and their hearts beating with time. She wondered why Sara wanted to dance with her. It was so unlike Sara to care about such things. Dancing, flowers, poems, they were all unlike Sara but it seems that Tegan was mistaken. Sara is just like most women, she craved for such things that might mean nothing with time but at the moment, they give you gusts of joy to see such a thing given to you or made for you. Sara didn't show it, but she liked these things. It wasn't all sex and mundane business that Sara desired in their relationship. She now knew that Sara was the type who secretly wished for a mattress full of rose petals and champagne, and then soft love making. But that's what they lacked in their relationship, the idea of love making that's been withering each time they touched. She still felt the love, yet it seemed like Sara only wanted to let out all her suppressed pain through the roughness of her touch.

Tegan didn't mind it anymore. She didn't mind anything anymore as long as Sara's around.

**...**

Every single bone in her body cried for a massage. Every bone throbbed and her head pounded for some relief or lack of light, though the pain between her legs won the prize. She rested on the pillow with eyes just open in a new day. She took in the light of the sun shining as brightly as ever.

It was April. Tegan loved April. The month of the sun, the spring, the roses. April meant new beginnings and hope.

Tegan craned her neck to the sleeping woman beside her. She wanted to smile, but she couldn't, because even the muscles near her lips did hurt, or maybe they retreated when they witnessed the bags beneath the older woman's eyes. Sara didn't lie when she said it's going to get harder with time.

She closed her eyes and recalled the night before. Was it even sex they were having or just a way to relieve one's pain by adding more?

She lay there face down on the pillow and her lover pounded into her as hard and as fast as her energy allowed her. Tegan was not fully convinced on trying the toy Sara first tried. She remained rather queasy when looking at it, so Sara suggested they'd do it from behind. Then Tegan felt the pain and then it transferred to bliss and pleasure until Sara decided to give her more than she could take, and she didn't mind, she loved it, she wanted it, she screamed for it until she came.

That was not the bad part. The bad part was when Sara insisted on trying it once again. Tegan protested many times. "I'll do it to myself if you won't help me. I want it in me."

"But it..."

"Don't go there, don't say it." Tegan was going to give a warning to the pain that it was going to bring, but Sara continued feeling ashamed whenever it happened and whenever Tegan saw it. But it always happened, Sara was in pain most of the day now. Tegan could do nothing but watch it increase and watch her lover in her stubborn state, not allowing a simple talk about it, and not allowing any intervention.

Tegan watched it all, she sensed it all. The tears, the screams, the guttural moans, the nibbling, the scratching, the biting. She felt it until her back was scarred with love marks and drops of dry blood caused by a pinch of pain her lover felt with every thrust she made. She wished she'd figure out why Sara was putting herself through all of that. Why didn't Sara go to a doctor, why didn't Sara reach out for medication, why did Sara want to hurt herself more with every passing second? And when she reached her orgasm, she held onto Tegan with her nails digging on the skin of the younger woman and her salty tears making every red mark sting and burn.

Then Sara didn't face Tegan at all, she turned and looked elsewhere while on her side of the mattress. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to..."

"It's fine, Sara. Are you alright?" She's already got used to every sorry after every scratch, she didn't care about the apologies anymore because she didn't think they're necessary.

"Ya." Sara said. "I'm tired. I wanna sleep." And that's how their night ended.

And there they were still on the bed. She knew when her lover was going to wake up, she's going to smile as it was really the beginning of something new and act as if nothing ever happened or was happening...until it was night, and their beast hugged them to sleep once again. Night time was always the worst time, it's where the monsters and ghosts surrounded them, counting down for the ashes they'd collect later. A clock was ticking for the burial of their relationship. Tegan felt it all every night. But every morning? No, she felt the tight bond becoming tighter as she helped Sara to the bathroom and Sara helped her clean the scars on her back. And the evenings were good as well because they cuddled and held each other on the sofa and watched a movie. They didn't argue no more because both of them were extremely exhausted.

Often Tegan would return from a night out and find Sara intoxicated and that was the worst of all their nights and days. Sara would look like a fractured ragdoll on the kitchen floor. Sharp words would harm Tegan's ears and loud wailing would cause their hoary-headed neighbor to bang on the door. Sara and the old woman would throw more sharp words at each other until the old woman would threaten to call the police, that's when Sara's fear would strike and embody her, which would make her shut her mouth and the door.

She heard Sara yawning, which made her snap out of her thoughts and look at the older woman. Eyes squinting to avoid the rays of the sun, hair disheveled, and lips chapped and dry, yet Sara looked as lovely as ever and as fresh as ever.

Sara groaned, covering her eyes with the back of her hand. "What's up with the sun?" Sara yawned again. "It's gonna blind me."

"It's April." Tegan announced as if waiting for something in particular that will happen in April. Perhaps she was and yet she's not aware of it.

_'April is the cruellest month, breeding_

_Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing_

_Memory and desire, stirring_

_Dull roots with spring rain.'_

Sara began to recite. Her daily, mentally selected piece of verse came a bit early and before breakfast that morning. It sure was going to make Tegan's stomach churn and feel upset. They say that too much acidity before a meal will cause ulcer. She started to feel the soreness in her stomach.

"Spring rain." Sara laughed. "See how you're in that poem?" _Not funny_. Sara's bringing this word in each poem or song and singing them to Tegan lately, then pointing out her last name was there. The funny part was that each song or poem was ornamented with dots of anguish and misery. Or wait, that's not funny either, Tegan didn't laugh. Why was Sara laughing?

'_There is not even silence in the mountains_

_But dry sterile thunder without rain_

_There is not even solitude in the mountains_

_But red sullen faces sneer and snarl'_

Sara sighed and sat up. Certainly wincing and whimpering as she did each day. She declared all her bones ached and felt weak. Tegan sat up with hurry, ignoring the pain she felt in her inner thighs and the one that attacked her head. She helped Sara sit up as carefully as she could. "I'm fine, I'm fine." Sara touched her arm to slow her movement. "I can move. Not dying, yet."

"That's not funny. Stop saying that." It was another thing Tegan said each morning.

Sara rid herself off the blanket and exposed both of their nude bodies. "It's funny to see you freeze. Don't worry, Tegan. I'm perfectly fine." She's quite the terrible liar. "I probably still have like three years or more to die. What do you think?"

"Stop." Tegan shouted, making Sara's laughter rise. "You can't joke about that."

"Well, you just act as if I'm decaying and..." Sara went silent as she looked between her opened legs.

A round patch of blood stained the sheets between her lover's legs. Tegan watched as Sara continued staring at it and watched her face begin to change in colour. All shades of pale mixed with all shades of crimson blotched her entire skin.

Sara looked up at Tegan with pursed lips. "That's not me." Tegan said.

"I know." The professor entrapped her upper lip in her mouth. "It's me." Another nervous habit of scratching the back of her head took place.

A smile appeared on Sara's face, and with the sun, it was such a beautiful scene. Save that Tegan couldn't be fooled by the sun that time or Sara's eyes or Sara's smile or Sara's words. She knew every picture painted was just a silent representation of a message well hidden behind pigments and shapes. "So let's go take a shower and I'll change the sheets after." Sara announced as if nothing really happened.

Tegan opened her mouth to say something. "Let's go." Sara cut her thoughts before they were pronounced. It's as if the woman knew what she's going to say.

Like most mornings of the previous two weeks, Tegan limped to the bathroom. Usually, Sara would share that with her, but that day Sara walked normally and followed behind her student. "Good thing it's Saturday. Wouldn't want you to walk like that at university." Sara chuckled and reached her palm behind Tegan's back. "I'm so sorry about that."

"What? Your marks?" Tegan craned her neck while asking. Sara nodded. "It's fine." She smiled. "When I look at them I remember your face while coming."

Sara groaned and it did make Tegan giggle just a bit. "Close the toilet seat and sit on it. I'll bring the ice bag."

"You don't have to. Let's just get into the shower." Tegan was really wet and she didn't want to sit on the cold toilet seat.

"No, honey." Sara forced her to sit. "I need to clean that first." She motioned to the dry blood on Tegan's shoulder. "I'm an animal." She whispered, mostly to herself.

Then Sara returned and Tegan scanned the skin and bones that she had become. In a matter of two weeks Sara lost so much weight and looked as sickly as she did in the previous year.

Sara ordered her to turn around and face the bathtub while she ran the ice bag all over her back, making her squirm and wince due to the coldness and the burn that every bruise cried.

"You lost so much weight." Tegan finally said, breaking the silence.

"I know." Sara sighed. "I can't control it." She turned Tegan around and faced her. "Can you open your legs for me?" She asked.

"Why?" Tegan opened anyway, giving Sara a view of the blue and purple bruises across her inner thighs.

Sara ran the ice bag above each bruise. "Does it hurt?" She motioned to the woman's sex and Tegan shook her head.

"It doesn't. It didn't." Sara nodded. She put the ice bag on the floor and parted her student's legs more.

Tegan watched as her lover ran her index lightly above her puffed lips and between her slit. Sara's long lost smirk almost made an appearance when she felt the wetness the brunette was in. "Let's get into the shower." Sara whispered.

Tegan got into the shower first and waited for the water to get warm, when it did, she told Sara to hop in with her. Sara held onto her arm while stepping inside and closing the glass door. She held onto Sara's waist while focusing on the drops of blood falling from between Sara's legs and making the water stain with red.

Sara took a sharp breath and watched the scene as well. "I'm getting dizzy. Can we sit?" Fear-stricken, Tegan hurried to help her professor sit down and she sat facing her. "I know millions of questions are running inside your head. Yes, I actually am very ill." Sara pursed her lips. No emotions in her voice. Tegan couldn't do anything but stare at her. "Cervical cancer like I suspected." Sara shrugged. "Same shit, same process all over again." The water dripped all over them and Tegan was having a hard time in opening her eyes. She couldn't cry and she didn't know why. She knew, she saw it coming, it's grievous, it's a disaster, but she couldn't cry.

Sara remained quiet for a while and then she asked for Tegan to get up and give her the shower head. Tegan knitted her eyebrows at first but then Sara asked her again and she gave her what she wanted. Then Tegan returned in front of her professor.

Sara changed the spray of the water as she toyed with the shower head. "Have you tried this before?" She aimed the spray between Tegan's legs, which made her jump as the vibration of the water attacked her clit with no warning. Tegan shook her head. "It feels so good. Does it feel good?"

"Mmm." Tegan moaned, closing her eyes as the strength of the water began to give her the pleasure she's looking for. "What are you gonna do?" She finally asked. Even with herself, she felt astonished that she had the courage to do so.

"About what?" Sara furrowed her brow. "The cancer?" Tegan moaned in response. "Remove my cervix then get chemotherapy, most probably. But I mean if it's gonna keep coming back, what's the fucking use of all that?"

"Are you gonna die?" She felt her voice cracking and her tears began to flow.

Sara chuckled and shook her head. "I've won before, don't think I can't do it again. I just need..." Sara sighed. "to think about my options."

"What do you mean?" Sara reached for one breast and traced the tight bud. Tegan began to rock her hips to get more of the vibration in the areas she needed the most.

"Well, first I have to finish this semester." Only a month and few days left for the semester to end. "And then I have to visit my parents. I suppose they have to know this time." _Visit her parents?_ Where will Tegan go? What will happen to her? What's going to happen? The questions made her sobs rise in octave and her tears increase.

And her orgasm came all of a sudden without her expecting it and it was so small, she barely felt it. She pushed Sara's hand away when her clit couldn't take the water anymore. "That's it?" Sara asked and she nodded. "Tell me what you're thinking."

"What will happen of us?" She feared the answer, yet she asked the question.

"Nothing." Sara simply said. "We're together, unless you want to leave. I won't stop you."

"Don't fucking say that." Tegan glared.

"Look, Tegan," Sara said. "it's true I don't want you to see me in my worst days, yet I want you here so I can have a reason to heal."

"I am here. I won't go."

"It's gonna be fine." Sara promised with a smile. "Let's not worry about it." But one couldn't just not worry about it. You can't just not think of it. Sara seemed too tired to cry or do much of anything during the day. Her wounds only appeared at night.

And that same night, Tegan spent it with Jeremy and Emy at Jeremy's place. They've ditched the bar for awhile now. They've been spending time at their guy friend's place to smoke there.

Jeremy handed Tegan the cigarette and she inhaled in the harmful substance, handing it to Emy as they sat in a circle on the floor. "Man, I really miss these relaxed evenings" Tegan giggled. "I miss last year. I was so happy and naive. Remember?" Her turn in smoke returned again.

"When you wanted to draw Sara as an angel?" Emy laughed. "How can I forget?"

"Ya." She mourned the loss of the good feeling she experienced the previous year each time Sara touched her. "I miss the mornings the most." She said. "When I would go to university and bury my hands in my pockets. It was so cold and I was so excited to start the day. Take all my classes and then be in Sara's class. My stomach used to flip and kill me with butterflies." Tears began to swim at the surface of her eyelids. "Even the coffee in the morning tasted much better, and my music made my heart beat when I sat in my Oral Skills class thinking about Sara's. Now the coffee is so bitter, I thought they don't make it well anymore, but really, it's just my taste buds. They've had too much of Sara, I find everything else that reminds me of her bitter." Her friends looked at her as she continued speaking, none of them saying anything. "Her touch, oh God," Tegan smiled as she recalled the touches her professor sneaked to her back. They were heavily soft and maddeningly careful. "they were so fucking gentle. You know when she used to touch my back, she used to barely touch it, she didn't wanna hurt it." Tegan went quiet, thinking about the amount of marks on her back at the moment. "I used to die with my happiness when she touched me, now it's just not that special."

"Do you..." Emy stuttered. "Do you wish to leave her?"

"I don't know." Tegan said. "I don't think I can."

"You can't because you don't wanna hurt her or you can't because it will hurt you to leave her?" Jeremy asked.

"Both, I guess." She shrugged. "You know, I wish I can have sex, like real fun sex and not the one we're having."

"All yours." Jeremy offered, opening his arms with a grin.

"Fuck off." Tegan laughed, pushing his chest. "With a woman." She raised an eyebrow.

"Why don't you just sleep with someone else?" Emy suggested. "Without her knowing. Like just try it. Maybe you'd reach a decision if you want to stay in the relationship or not."

"Her ex husband cheated on her. I wouldn't go there." It made her pause and think. Was she really thinking about cheating when Sara faced a cruel history with lovers cheating on her? Did she go that low in her thoughts?

"Ouch...I wonder why." Emy said with sarcasm.

"I should probably go. God knows what she's doing now." Tegan sat up, grabbing the joint from Jeremy's hand and smoking the last bits of it.

"It's like you're babysitting her." Jeremy scoffed.

"Thought it would be nice not to be babysat for once." Tegan walked to the door. "See you guys on Monday."

"Jeremy can you drive me back to the dorm?" Emy asked. "Bye Tegan. Night." She waved at Tegan.

"Sure." Jeremy answered. "And Tee, if you want anything give me a call." Tegan smiled and waved before leaving the apartment.

When she opened the door to Sara's apartment she found the scene she expected. Sighing and puffing with frustration, she took off her coat and walked through the darkness of the place to the sofa where her lover was lying. "Same scenario." She whispered to herself, watching Sara with only one of Tegan's T-shirts.

Sara took another gulp of her drink while lying down, the liquid spilling from her lips and trailing down her jaw. "Ohhh," Sara hiccuped. "it's thunder girl." She said with no enthusiasm.

"Whiskey this time." Tegan nodded with pursed lips. "Good choice." She scoffed.

"Why are you here?" Sara stuttered. "Why can't you get it? I don't want you here." These were new words coming out of her lover's mouth. "Rain, rain, go away, come again another day." Sara giggled. But she also was crying. "Do you know that song?

Tegan stood there watching her lover cry and utter complete nonsense in her drunken state. "Do you know whom I really hate?" Sara asked rhetorically. "Every poet." Sara answered. "I hate them all for making pain seem so beautiful and peaceful." Tegan cried along. "I really hate Shakespeare. Does he even exist? He's such an idiot. He's so full of himself. His sonnets are romanticized. Some say that he's actually a woman." Sara chuckled. "Women writers do not play the martyr in their poetry. They attack like vicious monsters for what they want. Though I do. My poems are..." Sara trailed off and closed her eyes.

"Sara, let's go back to bed. You're not making sense."

"What makes sense, Tegan Rain?" She threw her hands in the air.

_'I'm Nobody! Who are you?_

_Are you – Nobody – too?'_

Tegan sighed and leaned down to help Sara up. "Stop with your stupid poetry. Stop it already. Get up." Tegan reproved, and Sara pushed her arms.

"Poetry is not stupid." Sara contradicted herself. "Only poets are." Tegan couldn't understand anything of what she's saying. She endeavoured to help Sara stand on two feet again. "You didn't answer me. See, you shouldn't be here."

"You don't know what you're saying." That time was worse than the rest. Whenever she helped Sara standing, Sara fell back on the sofa once again.

"My bones hurt, don't hurt them more. Leave me alone." Sara pushed Tegan.

The strange thing was that Sara was crying. She didn't usually cry, or at least not that much when wasted. "I'm gonna pick you up." Tegan announced and didn't wait for any answer, she picked Sara once again.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Tegan hummed, walking Sara to their bedroom. "I am gonna die." She giggled through her tears. "Don't tell anyone, though. I want it to be a surprise." Tegan's tears continued to fall as she put Sara above the mattress and covered her body with the quilt.

"You're not gonna die. Get some sleep. You're drunk." Tegan whispered.

Sara's wails and weeps only increased while Tegan sat there, crying and watching her becoming dismantled slowly with every loud cry she escaped from her lungs. Sara repeated her announcement of death. Tegan's head throbbed. She just wanted to get away because everything around her looked and smelled like sickness.

_'Some gentler passion slide into my mind,_

_For I am soft and made of melting snow;'_

Sara recited so softly while crying and Tegan listened to one verse after another.

_'Or be more cruel, Love, and so be kind._

_Let me or float or sink, be high or low;'_

She closed her eyes and allowed Sara to reach for her hand and take it in hers.

_'Or let me live with some more sweet content,_

_Or die, and so forget what love e'er meant.'_

Sara dragged her body near and kissed the back of her hand. "Go." She said. "Please go." She pleaded.

But Tegan didn't move until Sara fell asleep, making sure she was unconscious through the wheezing of her corrupted lungs.

Who would she call and who would she cry to? Who would she let all the repressed pain out to? It's the first time she ever wanted to go. Through sickness and health suddenly felt like a promise she'd never be able to fulfill, or maybe she's just not that ready for a commitment so hard to hold on to. Would she ever be ready for such promises she once made and now her heart was giving up on? She made lots of promises when Sara was the same woman she fell in love with. Could she blame Sara's lovers?

She's a weak human being who couldn't help staying with a weaker one. Suddenly Sara was not that same woman of the past year, and suddenly flashbacks ate the insides of her brain.

There stood Sara making a crude joke. There stood Sara scolding a student. There stood Sara with hands on hips and head raised. Behind her stood Sara with hands trying to make their way to her heart. There stood Sara smiling the proudest of smiles. Now Sara could barely stand.

And Sara sat there in front of her in that restaurant speaking of how God had given her a second chance when she believed that life is worth living. Now God took what he had given her, again, and life mocked her in the face.

And there they stood outside of the classes each day. Sara's ears were red and her face burned with heat. Sara said sweet words she wanted to hear and she returned to her dorm squealing and daydreaming about being with Sara. Now she's with Sara and it's like a prison had locked its doors on her.

And that day when Sara touched her for the first time. The delicate fingers made her body jolt and shake and made her pleasure rise to the highest levels of nirvana. And their sex routine each Sunday. When Sara told her she'd want to make sex fun. When they fucked over the kitchen counter. When they fell in the bathtub and laughed. When she tasted Sara for the first time and when she straddled Sara's head. She cried more when she began to compare it to the sex they're having now.

There stood Sara, happy and smiling. She smirked and teased and laughed and cooked and talked. There stood their future together far in the distance where Tegan couldn't see it no more. Why couldn't she get back in time to that Sara? Why couldn't time take her back to the year before and warn her about loving Sara? Couldn't the signs have told her this woman will be dangerous for her? All it took was two months. Two short months and everything her friends had said turned right.

Who could she call and scream at? Who could she now run to when her mother told her not to call crying? What could she do? What should she do? Should she run? Leave Sara alone and go? What if Sara woke up without finding her there? What would Sara say? Another lover betrayed her and went. That's what would Sara say. It would kill Sara. She didn't want to be like any of Sara's past lovers.

"You don't wanna be like any of her past partners because you think of yourself better not because you don't wanna hurt her." She called Jeremy crying, eventually, and she had to put up with the words she expected coming as she cried in his car, which he parked in Sara's street. "I'm not calling you selfish. I'm calling you human and there's only so much a human can take. You're nineteen. What are you doing with your life with a woman on the edge of death?"

"She's not gonna die, Jeremy. She won't." Through tears, she said.

"Everybody dies. Now or later. She's sick, what are the chances of her becoming better? She's always gonna be sick. She's always gonna be at the doctor's, she's always gonna be at the hospital, she's always gonna be moody. She's always gonna expect her death. Think about it." Jeremy preached. "The problem is you think you're staying for her when it is only for you, Tegan. You can't be away because you're scared that she's gonna think you're a bad person. And you're not a bad person. You just can't put up with things bigger than you. That's why people date those who are their age and have the same experiences as them."

Tegan didn't want to hear such harsh words, she kept shaking her head while her friend tried to get some sense into her. "You don't fucking get it. I love her. I can't leave her."

"No. You're in love with a past image of her when she used to feed you with little flirty talk outside the classroom. Now that's different from loving her while crying each night because you can't be around her. I don't think she's gonna blame you if you left, if she's as mature as you say. Why are you wasting your life and health with her? I don't get it. I will never get it. Is this healthy for you?"

"Why the fuck did I call you?" She asked herself.

"Because your head wants something and your heart wants the other. Your conscience tricked you into calling me in hopes I convince you to leave her, yet you just can't be convinced because of this part inside you that fears emptiness." She jumped when Jeremy's hand touched her thigh. "Relationships end, Tegan. What are you gonna do about it? You can't change that. My parents had been divorced since I was five. They loved each other more than they can love anybody else, but things get complicated and you have to leave, sometimes."

Tegan nodded, wiping her tears. "I guess I'll think about it more. I just can't leave all of a sudden, you know. She said she needs me near." Jeremy sighed again. "Look, I'll think about it well. I need to get back up there. I don't want her to wake up while I'm not there." She saw her friend shaking his head after she ignored all of his words. "Uh..." She stuttered. "thank you for coming and listening."

"And wasting my breath on your stubborn mind. " Jeremy chuckled. "Ya, ya. Goodnight, Tegan." He said.

"Night." She whispered, getting out of his car. Yes, she's selfish and even though Jeremy didn't admit it, she knew it pretty well. Yet, she couldn't help it.

When Tegan woke up the next day, Sara wasn't by her side. She looked at her phone and it was 12 PM. She gasped, getting up quickly. All night long she thought and troubled her mind with imaginations of consequences in choosing one of the two options in her head. To leave or to stay. She still couldn't make up her mind and told herself perhaps in the morning she'd decide. In the morning when she'd wake up. In the morning when she'd see Sara awake and hopefully sober. Sara's actions would lead her to her decision, she thought.

Now it's the morning, or actually, the afternoon and she's awake. Sara's not on her side of the bed nor in the bathroom as it seemed. Sara was either outside in the living room or the kitchen or out of their apartment.

Well, her heart sure hammered in her chest as she slowly left the bedroom. Who knew what she'll be faced with? What type of Sara? With what mood Sara's in? What if Sara's not even sober?

She took a relieved breath when Sara smiled at her from her place on the dining table. "Hey." Sara whispered, with rosy cheeks and bitten lips...and suddenly, suddenly her heart leapt and her stomach flipped and her insides melted as she smiled back, and all thoughts of departure fled from her head as she walked to Sara and sat opposite to her.

"Hello." Sara's eyes twinkled. Sara's notebook was opened and her green pen in hands, her cup of coffee beside her. Tegan closed her eyes and took in the aroma.

"Do you want me to get you some?" Sara stood up. "I made two pots. I woke up with a killer headache. Puked twice." She looked at Sara pouring a cup of the bitter liquid for her. Tegan took a look at the opened page in front of her, she felt guilty for trying to read what's written in Sara's pages of secrecy. Sara returned with a cup of coffee and a plate of nutella waffles with strawberries on the side.

Tegan's eyes widened at the scene of chocolate and her stomach growled, making Sara giggle. Sara sat again in her place and Tegan looked at her. She took a breath. "Thank you." She said.

"No." Sara said. "That's my apology for last night." She smiled weakly.

"You remember?" Tegan asked, suddenly hit with the realization that Sara did what she did at night and shut her up with a plate of food in the morning.

She looked at her plate and chuckled. Was she really that much of a fool who took the pain and was silent in the morning when fed up with a little bit of chocolate and a fake smile? Was she really that much of a child? Maybe her mother's right.

"I don't, actually." Sara sighed. "I just know that I probably have done things I'm too ashamed to think of." She said. "I'm really sorry." Sara apologized.

"It's fine." Tegan began chewing and Sara returned to her writing. She wondered what was Sara writing.

Half way through the meal, the doorbell rang. Both of them sighed, both of them knowing who's there. "I'll get it." Sara got up. "Guess I woke Mrs. M from her sleep again last night?"

Tegan shook her head. "No, you didn't. You were quiet. Just tell her to fuck off." Tegan took another bite and sipped her coffee.

"Uh, Tegan." A tone full of dread came from her professor, which made Tegan turn her head to the door and drop her fork.

She stood up with dilated eyes, not sure she's seeing correctly or an illusion stood there in front of her. She blinked. "Mom?" She blinked once again.


	31. She's Just A Kid

**Chapter 31: She's Just A Kid.**

She stood up with dilated eyes, not sure she's seeing correctly or an illusion stood there in front of her. She blinked. "Mom?" She blinked once again.

All of a sudden she felt herself dizzy. She walked to the door as the full flesh and blood of her mother stood there at the door. She looked at her girlfriend, Sara just stood there staring at the floor and it made Tegan even more frightened.

Sonia just stood there. No motion. No word. Tegan couldn't even read her facial expressions. Her mother looked at her and at her professor, not even with disgust. She just looked between them and blinked as she scanned their bodies from head to toe. "Mom, how..."

"Come in, please." Sara's invitation torn her question in half.

Sonia looked at Sara, and maybe it was the first expression her mother would wear on her features, but it was definitely not a great one. Tegan looked at Sara's frame. The woman was still in Tegan's white sheer T-shirt and nothing else but a very good view of the green panties was visible from beneath the white cloth.

Sara wrapped her arms above her breasts in order to hide them as her face and ears were inflamed with shame. Tegan remembered she's even in a worse state than Sara. Her hair, well that was a case better not be discussed. Her eyes, they were swollen, bloodshot, heavy bags of exhaustion surrounded them, and her ptosis was as lively as ever. When it came to clothing, Tegan was in maroon boxer briefs and a wife beater, which much like Sara's attire, was pretty much sheer and giving the view and the idea she didn't want to give to her mother, who on her part was very smartly dressed and with the most expensive clothing Tegan had seen for a while. Hair well combed and falling beneath her shoulders and face adorned with a minimum amount of make up.

She always wanted her mother to see her happy with a lover she's proud to date. If her mother came and surprised them only a month before, she would have seen a much better view that would satisfy her standards. She knew her mother was a good woman and wasn't a stuck up one who wanted everything to appear as perfectly done as possible. But the circumstances were rather different at the moment. It's funny how her mother once again came in a time of need but also in a time when she could add another ill deed Tegan had done to her list.

Sonia finally stepped inside and Sara closed the door. Tegan's heart wanted to jump out of her chest as her nerves reached higher levels within her system. But when she saw the half smile her mother sent Sara's way, the beating calmed just a tad down.

"Please, sit." Sara motioned to the sofa. Another thing gave Tegan the sigh of relief is that the place was extremely organized and clean. No alcohol was around, no dust on the furniture, nothing that would hint that the place vibrated sickness and misery. But then again it was morning, and in the morning they were fine.

Sonia nodded at Sara as she sat down on that same sofa they once made love at. It was obvious she was scanning the place. "I apologize for my lack of manners, ma'am." Sara's lisp ate her words and Tegan just stood there in awe as she watched her girlfriend near panicking. These simple things kept reminding Tegan why she fell in love with Sara in the first place. These simple things made her heart melt and swim in a tiny puddle inside her chest. She wanted to hug Sara at the moment but that was not the proper time at all. "Please excuse me while I go change my clothes." Sonia gave another nod and another smile, which made Tegan feel at ease.

Yet, when her eyes met her mother's she shifted them away and looked at her lover's. "Umm...I'll go too." Sara shot her a look, which she didn't really get until they both went inside the room.

"You idiot." Sara whispered. "Go sit with her. It's rude to leave a guest alone."

"She's not a guest, she's my mom." Tegan opened up her eyes while her lover already began to undress herself. "What the fuck is she doing here? Sara, oh my God, my mom is here." Tegan panicked.

"I don't know. I don't fucking know. I'm as fucking shocked as you." Sara huffed as her shaky hands struggled with hooking up her bra. Tegan took a hold of the straps from behind and did them for Sara. "Thanks." Mumbled the older woman.

Tegan undressed herself as well and walked to the bathroom. While urinating, Sara came inside. "Some privacy, please?" She sighed as Sara rummaged through the cabinet below the sink.

"The bleeding won't stop." Tegan flushed and walked up to the sink. "Do you have a..."

"Look in my backpack." Tegan answered before Sara could finish her question. She washed her hands and her lover returned with a tampon in hand. "Is it bad? That you bleed?"

"Uh...pretty much yes since I don't even have a damn womb to make me bleed." Sara answered. "Now I need some privacy." Sara sighed, already ridding herself off her underwear.

Tegan left the bathroom and dressed herself as quickly as she could. A jeans and a sweater, and a hair in a bun, because that's all she could do with it.

She left the room before Sara and she's glad she did, because when she stepped outside, she saw her mother standing near the dining table with Sara's notebook opened to a page that her mother was reading from. "Mom." She broke the silence. Her mother jumped just a little as she walked up to her and took the notebook from her hand. "You can't read that. It's hers. She doesn't let anybody read it, not even me."

Sonia released a soft chuckle, returning to her place on the sofa. "I can see why." Before Tegan could ask anything, her lover left the room and closed the door behind. Her lover was much better dressed than her. Her dark jeans fit her small figure and her black blouse hugged her feminine curves. Her hair combed and her fringe tucked behind her ear.

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Rain." Sara apologized again. "Really didn't want you to see me in such a disheveled way the first time we meet." _The first time?_ Tegan's eyes opened up once again and her eyebrows almost climbed the ceiling as she looked at her lover. _There is going to be another time?_ Sara dismissed her astonished looks and continued, "Do you want some coffee, ma'am?" She forgot how fucking polite and formal her girlfriend was due to the ribald words she often used around her.

"Coffee sounds good." Her mother didn't sound mad at all. Her mother even smiled. And Sara smiled too. Why was she fucking worried? She took a breath and walked to her mother, who looked at her as she sat next to her.

"Mom." She sighed and her mother immediately opened up her arms to take her into a hug, which she jumped into without any hesitation. God, she missed her mother's hugs. She missed her mother and she wished she's a kid again. She wished she'd sit in her mother's lap again when it was okay to be so dependent and live the role of the child she was.

Why do humans have to grow up? Why couldn't she just cry with her face buried in her mother's chest and sit on her mother's lap and be dependent? Who said being an adult was going to be easy? They always fooled her and told her once she's a grown up she'll figure things out. Atrocious lies those were, now she only felt more lost. More than the time she was thirteen and going through puberty, more than the time she was sixteen and dating an abusive woman, more than the time she just began to develop a crush on Sara, more than the time she was confused about her sexuality. Now it was the hardest and she felt herself stuck inside a maze she couldn't escape. Was it going to be harder whenever she grew up? Was that how life is? If so then she didn't want to grow up. She wanted to stay like that in her mother's arms. She didn't want responsibility. She didn't want a family on her own, a child she couldn't be responsible for, a partner that she needed to take care of because she couldn't take care of herself anymore. She just wanted to be a kid. She's not ready for all those grown up stuff. She's just a kid.

Sonia kissed her daughter's head and whispered a couple of words in her ears. Just the usual_ I missed you, _and h_ow are you doing, honey?_ Which all Tegan also whispered back to before pulling away.

Sara sat on the couch on the left of where the two other women were sitting after handing Tegan's mother the coffee she made. The awkward silence took a little bit too long and it made Tegan's breathing heave and hitch until her girlfriend cleared her throat. "I'm Sara." The professor introduced herself. "I think you know who I am." Which spared her the effort of introducing herself fully in front of the mother of the student.

"I know who you are." Sonia said and Tegan looked at her. "I..." It looked like Sonia was unable to say much. "When Tegan's friend called me and described the terrible situation she's in, I thought..." Sonia didn't continue.

"My friend?" Tegan interrupted.

"Yes, Jeremy." The mother chuckled, taking a sip of coffee. "He's the one who told me you're dating her in the first place."

_Of course_. She should have seen it. Now she knew why she shouldn't have told her friends. Same scenario all over again. The _oh so caring_ of a friend calling her mother to tell her she's with someone bad. Except that time it was different and that someone was not bad at all.

Sara looked at Tegan for a short second but her eyes shot venom out of their pupils. "I can see you're a very respectable woman and I do know the story of you and Tegan getting together. I didn't mean to barge into your place like that without a warning, but when Jeremy called me yesterday telling me about the miserable state my daughter's in, I just couldn't handle waiting any longer. I had to take the next flight and come here. He also gave me the address because that's the only way I could make sure my daughter is safe and fine."

Sara's eyes watered and it was all her damn fault. "You told your friends?" Sara whispered in a tone that suggested disbelief. If only she hadn't opened her mouth, if only she had put up with Sara's moods and locked them in. But she couldn't, she's only human, humans need to let things out.

"I don't think she meant to embarrass you or shame you, Ms. Clement." Sonia answered instead of her daughter. "I think it began to get a little bit too much for her to take. She's a kid in case you've forgotten that." Sonia's voice rose just a little bit. She's a mother after all, and she was going attack when she sensed danger near her daughter.

"Mom." Tegan loudly said.

"I'm not here to scold you or hurt you or threaten you or anything. I know you're dealing with enough if what I was told is true."

"What were you told?" Sara jumped to ask, fear encircled her like a halo.

"About your health issues." Sonia whispered. "Which I know is supposed to be kept private and between yourself and whoever you wanted to know, but I'm afraid that a couple more people know about them, and I apologize for that." She's surrounded by two women formally speaking to each other and she was the third party who just felt lost and misplaced.

"I'm so sorry, Sara." Tegan hurried in apologizing. "I really didn't mean to say anything. Last night was too much, I swear. I didn't know what to do, I'm so sorry."

Sara didn't say anything. She looked at her lap without any word leaving her mouth. She just sat there.

"When I came here I thought I'd find my daughter crying on the floor and find an old woman being cruel to her." Sonia continued. "I didn't think I'd find two women living under one roof and having breakfast together in their sleepwear, which kind of shocked me, and kind of made me happy because I always wanted my daughter to be happy with someone she loves." Tegan's tears betrayed her once again and hurried to fall. "But I do know the circumstances you two are in and I do know my daughter very well and I know how much she can take before it's too much." Tegan felt herself becoming dizzy. "I just don't think it's a healthy relationship, that is all." Sonia gave Tegan the look. That look a mother gives their child when they're in the wrong.

"Well, currently, I believe it's not." Sara responded. "I gave Tegan the choice if she wanted to leave or stay." Tegan couldn't take it anymore, she couldn't hear where that was going anymore. She needed to excuse herself. "She chose the latter." Tegan closed her eyes. "I don't mean to make her life a living hell. I was fine one second and we were happy and now..." Sara's voice broke at the last sentence she didn't continue. Her lips wrinkled and her nose flared and Tegan could sense the tear pleading to escape her eyes. "I love, Tegan. I really, really do."

"I know you do." Sonia said.

"You do?" Tegan's shock came with her question.

"I didn't believe it first, but now I can see it." Sonia said.

"I..." Tegan stood up. "I need a moment." She didn't know what was happening to her. It was too much. Everything was too much. She could collapse on the floor at any moment. She needed to sit and she ws already sitting, she needed to be in another place, less suffocating.

"Are you okay?" Sara asked before her mother could.

Tegan walked to the bedroom. "Uh ya. I need to use the bathroom. Just...stay." She left Sara and her mother alone and hurried to the bathroom. And the first thing she did was emptying everything she had for breakfast in the toilet. Her nervous habit stroke her hard after taking a long break. She puked till her guts ached and her breaths were lost. She wished in that moment Sara would be behind, holding her hair and rubbing her back, but Sara was there with her mother and God knows where the conversation had gone to.

She wished she didn't leave them alone but she simply couldn't stand another minute sitting between them. What was going to happen? Where would she and Sara end up? Same questions from the night before returned and hit her hard in the head. She sat on the bathroom's floor sobbing.

She didn't know how much longer she sat there on the floor, but when Sara came back to her, she was actually sleeping on the floor. "Did you faint again?" Sara helped her sitting up.

"No." Tegan sniffled, shaking her head. "I don't know." She looked around her but her mother wasn't there. "What happened? Was that all a dream?"

"God," Sara whispered. "you seriously need to watch out for your health. We already have one fucked up right here." She pointed at herself with a chuckle. "Do we really need both of us half functioning?" Sara laughed even though it wasn't humorous. She went quiet when Tegan didn't join her. "Get up, Tegan." She ordered. "I'd help you out and pull you up but if you knew the amount of pain I'm in you won't want to get up." That didn't make sense to her, but the way Sara whispered it made her heart send its pinching pang to her chest. "You shouldn't be sleeping on a dirty floor."

"It's not gonna change much." Tegan whispered. "I'm all dirt anyway." She felt dirty from head to toe. Even a shower wouldn't cleanse the way she felt.

Then they left to the living room once again and her mother was already ready to leave. "Tegan, your mother and I think it's best if you leave with her today." Sara broke the news all of a sudden as they stepped outside their room.

"What?" Tegan furrowed her brows.

"Honey, I just need to catch up with you, that's all." Sonia said. "Just tonight."

"Yes, Tegan. I need some time on my own as well." Sara softly said. "And I think you need some time to rest your head from me and my troubles."

"No, Sara, I didn't mean that. I wanna be there to help you." She didn't want to leave with her mother. She wanted to stay with Sara. It's her home now, Sara's her home now. She couldn't just change that. Even if it was a broken home, she couldn't change that.

"I don't need help. I just need time on my own." Sara firmly said. Tegan knew how much her girlfriend hated being pitied that she couldn't even resist not to correct her student on that sentence. "Go with your mother, Tegan. We'll talk tomorrow." Sara's words were so sharply said that she just couldn't disobey.

"I need to get my things." Tegan said mostly to her mother and the older woman nodded.

She went back into their room like a broken arrow flung from a skyscraper, a pout on her face, and a tear dancing on her cheek. What happened? What changed Sara's mind? Did her mother say something? Probably what happened while she was out there in her own world of tears. Sara wanted her around. She told her she wanted her there to heal and now Sara was telling her to go with her mother. That meant Sara's going to have one awful night in the evening and Tegan wouldn't get back to help her to bed and help her calm down and leave her booze.

Tegan cried as she prepared a couple of things she needed to take for only that night. _It's only this night_. She could take it. It's only for one night, not more.

Much to her surprise, Sara followed her after just a bit. She looked up with tears in her eyes while Sara stood there. "I don't think I can be away from you." She wept as she put her things in her backpack. "I just wanna be with you always. I love you."

"It's okay." Sara calmly said. "It's healthier this way. I just need to do some thinking on my own."

"Did my mom convince you in doing this? Sara, don't let her. I can't fucking just sleep away from you. I got so used to you. Please, Sara." She begged as if her lover was going to change her already made up mind.

"Love, come here." Sara smiled at her, motioning for her to come closer. And Tegan followed, facing her professor. "It's a hard time right now. We'll get through it. Couples go through hardships. It's alright. We just need some time apart." Sara caressed her student's damp cheeks. "Don't be sad. I get sad if you're sad. Don't make me cry. I'm supposed to be an old, responsible woman. Your mum shouldn't know I cried." That made Tegan giggle when her lover did so as well. "Give me one last kiss before you go." Sara whispered.

And they kissed. One time, and then another, and then another. Pecks got heated and kisses became passionate with each kiss until their tongues began to sway like the waves in the ocean with each other, fighting for nothing. Not dominance, not control, not resistance, their tongues only fought for the remaining tastes of each other they once savoured and kept there. It felt like Sara was sucking the life out of her, it felt like Sara was asking her not to leave for that one night instead of asking her to do so. Sara's tongue was rough and it was searching and it was so busy in tasting all of her that she didn't know her lover was awfully weeping until their need for breath parted them.

"I've never thought I'd love you that much." Sara bashfully announced. "It makes me feel embarrassed." Sara eyed the necklace wrapped around Tegan's neck, the one Sara always admired.

"You shouldn't. I love you as much and I'm not embarrassed." Tegan forced herself to smile.

"Give me that necklace. Put it around my neck, so I remember you when I look at it." With a sheepish smile, her lover asked. Tegan gladly gave her the necklace, with all her joy and all her sadness she chained it around Sara's neck and kissed the back of it softly.

Then Tegan took her backpack and was ready to leave. "Don't you want your teddy?" Sara asked.

"Angel's place is here." There among the angels, among Sara, in Sara's bed, in Sara's place, in Tegan's home. Angel's place was with Sara. "I won't sleep anyway because you're not around." It felt cheesy saying it, but also it felt beautiful to reveal it.

"It'll be fine." Sara whispered as they left the room. Sonia was already waiting at the door with a smile on her face. Tegan wondered if she noticed their tears or heard their lips locked from inside the room. Sonia didn't look like she did, or maybe she just didn't care.

And then it was time for them to leave and for Sara to stay. "Bye, Sara." Tegan waved, she wished to kiss her again. "See you tomorrow."

"Goodbye, love." One thing that comforted her was the fact her lover still called her that. She was still her love. "Thank you, Mrs. Rain." Sara thanked and Tegan didn't know what for.

"Take care, Ms. Clement." Tegan hated how formal they were with each other. Why couldn't they call each other by names?

Sara closed the door and it was time to depart. All the way to the hotel her mother was staying at, Tegan didn't say one word. She stared out of the window and thought. She knew she wouldn't sleep the night, she knew her worry would eat her brain, she knew Sara wouldn't be fine left alone with herself. Just like she knew herself, now she knew Sara, who was much like herself.

She wondered what Sara was doing right at that moment they left. Perhaps she already started drowning herself in alcohol, perhaps she's doing the thinking she needed. Could she call Sara? Could she make sure that things were alright? She should text her. Yes she should and she did. While her mother was trying to get another room with separate beds in it, Tegan sat in the lobby and sent a text after another to her girlfriend.

_Hey, Sara._

_What are you doing now?_

_We can text all night, if you want to._

_Sara, respond to me when you get the chance so I know you're okay._

_Sara, are you in the shower? Text me when you're done._

Sonia returned with a sigh escaping her lips. "There are no rooms with separate beds. I can get you a room by yourself, but that probably wouldn't be a good idea, so you'll be stuck with me on the same bed for tonight, ya?"

Tegan lifted her head and looked up at her mother. "Uh, ya, sure." She looked at her phone once again, waiting for Sara to text her back.

"What are you doing? Give me that." Her mother reached for her phone, but she looked up at her with fury grazing her eyes.

"I'm not your fourteen year old kid anymore." She said through gritted teeth. "I am a fucking adult and I have my own fucking life." Sonia pursed her lips and nodded before walking away and up to her room, and since Tegan didn't know where the room was, she had to get up and follow.

Tegan threw her backpack on the floor and sat on the bed, burying her anxious face in her hands. She shook one leg in apprehension and sighed a couple of times. She wanted Sara to respond.

"Tegan." Her mother called, but she didn't answer. "Why don't we go out for dinner? Just to talk?"

"What did you say to her, mom?" The daughter snapped all of a sudden. "What did you tell her to make her push me away like that?"

Sonia sat beside her daughter and put her hand behind the younger woman's back. "I didn't say anything bad. She suggested it, in fact."

"She did?" Confounded, Tegan wrinkled her brows.

"She said her health is becoming a barrier between you two and it's better if you took some time apart. She said she needed to think about her options." Sonia shrugged. "Sara hasn't gone to the doctors yet."

"But she said it's back, the cancer I mean. She said she's ill. Does that mean she's still not sure?" Tegan's lungs filled with hope as they pronounced the last question.

"She said she did a couple of tests and one of her friends is a doctor and told her she probably has cervical cancer. She told me about the side effects, so I have to say she most certainly is with cancer." And her hope was killed once again, her tears were let free once again.

"I don't get it." She said through crying lungs. "What is she waiting for? Why is she doing all of this?"

Her mother sighed once again. "I don't know her, honey. You have no idea how shocked I am. My heart is breaking, I am in pain because you are in it. I don't wanna see you so broken, and knowing she is a cause of that pain even though she doesn't mean it makes me wanna distance you away from her." Tegan didn't say anything back. Sara was the cause of the pain only because Sara was in pain, and she's not even allowing them to share the burden and help each other. But she couldn't blame the woman because she couldn't imagine even being in her situation, she couldn't imagine having all her happiness, all her hopes, and everything good in her life suddenly falling down and breaking into tiny little pieces after she spent years to build it back and gain her trust in life. "I know she really loves you, which I admit surprised me but also made me happy. But I can't do anything to get you two together in a relationship that is just toxic."

"How do you know she loves me?" Her mother called two weeks before accusing Sara of being a woman of misconduct and deceit and now she's saying that Sara held great affection and love for Tegan. It made Tegan rather perplexed.

"I saw the way she looks at you, but mostly, it's that notebook."

"The notebook?" The one that Sara had banned from every human being and her mother got to read bits from by mistake? Suddenly, Tegan's curiosity rose inside of her.

"She has these small poems, or I don't know what they are, just some lines documented from the first time she ever saw you till now. She has umm...drawings of you, but..." Her mother didn't continue until Tegan gave her the look to do so. "naked." _Oh...oh_. Tegan blushed like she had never done so before. Sara had drawn her in her natural state of nudity and she didn't know about that, but her mother knew and her mother had seen those images. "Mostly it was filled with poetry and a lot of erotic poetry." Tegan groaned. She'd rather have that conversation with anyone but her mother. "She didn't push you into doing anything you didn't wanna do, right?"

"Mom, I'm really not comfortable in talking about this with you." She turned around and faced the headboard. Sara still hadn't texted back but somehow she felt better when her mother revealed what's inside the pages of secrecy that Sara had once told her nothing but trivial things were there. What if Sara considered that love trivial? Sara said she's embarrassed of loving her. Was she embarrassing to love? No, Sara didn't mean it that way. It couldn't be that way.

"I just wanna make sure you weren't forced into anything against your will."

"Mom, of course I was not." She looked at her mother again with a look indicating that what her mother assumed was terribly silly. "I'm not fourteen, mom." She repeated once again.

"I know that." Sonia said. "I know you're an adult and I know you can depend on yourself, but I am your mother and you'll always be my child and I'm always gonna try to make sure you're healthy and alright even when you're fifty and I am taking a peek at my grave." She hated the mentioning of death. When the corner of darkness was being mentioned lately, Tegan would jump because it would remind her of Sara and how much like death she looked. "Listen to me," Her mother said again. "why don't we stay here, order room service, and you tell me about everything from the beginning till now? No lies, no embarrassment, no shame? Consider me your friend. Tell me about how you developed feelings for each other and how everything led to this day. I won't judge you nor her, I promise you. I just feel lost and I want to know who my daughter loves and how did she love them and why?"

That meant she'd have to tell her mother about everything from the very beginning. From the day Sara entered her class in her purple coat and her half eaten apple. She'd have to tell her about the day she misspelled her name. She'd have to tell her about seeing Sara at the bar, Sara naming her Thunder Girl, Sara speaking to her outside of the classroom, Sara thinking Emy was her girlfriend. She'd have to reveal her developing affection that was mistaken for admiration, she'd have to tell her about how she wanted to draw Sara, she'd have to tell her about how Sara began to flirt with her, she'd have to tell her about the little mind games and about Emy's jealousy and love. She'd have to tell her about the times Sara began to touch her in a way that indicated obscenity, the way her ears would turn crimson red, and the way her lisp would grow heavy. She'd have to tell her about the way Sara began to give her urges she hadn't been familiar with. Oh God, she'd have to tell her about the lust that filled her brain and how she almost took it out on her friend.

Then she'd have to move on to that summer when everybody questioned what's the matter with her. That summer she knew and realized she's in love with Sara. That summer she cried every night and just wanted to be around Sara. She'd have to fill her in about the confusion in her sexuality that her professor made her realize, and then get to the part when she came out and returned once again to cold Canada in hopes to see Sara.

She'd have to move on to the worst semester in her life when Sara was not there and Tegan was questioning all the powers of the universe of where she could be, not knowing Sara was having her own battle that was much bigger than all of Tegan's chagrins. And oh God, she'd have to tell her about how she and her best friend almost got together and how they fought, and she's sure her mother remembered when she forced them to make up.

Then she'd have to move on to this semester, to this time, to this long and harsh and beautiful and sad and cruel and tiring semester. She'd have to tell her about going to Sara's office and about the winks that returned and about the smiles and the blushes. She'd have to fill her in about the wicked mind games Sara played so well and how disastrous they were, bringing her to almost end any contact with Sara and drop the subject she was eager to take. And then her mother would have to know about what happened with her and her best friend, or she could leave that part unsaid the way she left half of it still untold to Sara.

And that's when things started to get better and brighter for her. Sara followed her in a rainy cold day and asked her to get in the car. Then they ended up in Sara's apartment and they slept in different rooms. Then that apartment began to be the place she got used to. She'd have to tell her about the first time they slept on the same bed and how careful Sara was and how happy both of them were. She'd have to tell her about how gentle and passionate Sara was, the way she handled her the first time they slept together. Could she talk about that? Could she tell her mother all that? She'd have to tell her about that one date they had and how Sara began to reveal what's hidden slowly and carefully. One step at a time, Sara told a story after another.

Then she'd have to move on to when things began to take another route. Sara told her about her illness and about her friend and about her lovers. Sara opened up the house for her friend and her daughter, she'd have to tell her about how much she didn't like that friend but really loved the daughter.

But then, then she'd have to move on to the most critical part and it would make her whole face fire with heat. She'd have to reveal the time they were having sex, the time she was inside her lover with a toy so big she couldn't look at it, and that's when Sara couldn't take it more for the first time and pushed her away for the first time. And that night Sara cried in the bathroom. And then everything after that went downhill from there. She'd have to tell her about the melancholy that became the wings Sara used to hover from one mood to another. She'd have to tell her mother about the complications in sex, about the symptoms that began to appear, about Sara's mood swings, about Sara's distress and Sara's tears. She'd have to talk about the way Sara began to drink each night, about how much they fought, about how much they cried, about how painful it all was until the night before.

And Tegan spent all day in revealing part after another with a drumming heart and the constant promise from her mother that she would not be judged at all. It was hard to reveal such private matters to anybody, and it was even harder to do so to her own mother. She talked about her sex life with a face burning and eyes looking down, and her mother did not say anything and did not make any gasp of shock or horror. Her mother nodded with a hand on her knee, soothing the nerves which were swimming inside. She'd give a gentle squeeze each time Tegan couldn't reveal one part because of how embarrassed or how sad she felt.

She cried while talking, she cried while she remembered, she cried while looking back and seeing how things had drastically changed. They were good and now that good was gone and she didn't know where it went. How come everything changes and the good fades away? How come life doesn't let its slaves be happy for more than a short period of time before kicking them where it hurts the most and robbing everything they own while pointing and laughing? Life was one bitch that Tegan couldn't win her fight against.

"You didn't eat anything." Sonia whispered after a brief interval of silence they shared while on the bed of the hotel room. Tegan hugged her knees and didn't remove her eyes from her phone for one minute, hoping against all hopes that Sara might finally text her back. But it was night right then, and God knows what Sara had done all day and what was she doing right then.

"I'm not..." Tegan swallowed the burning lump in her throat, her mouth was so dry. "I'm not hungry." She continued. She grabbed the water bottle on the nightstand and chugged all of it down her throat.

"You've lost a lot of weight." Sonia chuckled. "Again."

"Mom, please." She didn't want to go there again. Yes she did lose some weight, she did look pale and sickly the way her professor did, she did skip meals during the day only because Sara forgot to cook or bring food or eat in the first place the past two weeks. And Tegan's hunger would usually die down at the end of the day when she had nothing to eat, and if they did have something to eat, she wouldn't really finish it because her appetite would close itself on her whenever she and Sara began to discuss something that would usually end up in them either arguing or crying.

"Stop looking at your phone. She's not gonna text you back." A groan slipped Tegan's lips. "Give her some time alone, would you?"

If she continued crying on the pillow, the thing would be drenched and she hated sleeping on damp pillows, but it's not like she could stop crying.

Night came and it was time for bed and still no news from Sara. She even tried calling her a few times while her mother was in the bathroom getting ready for bed, but Sara didn't pick up and eventually it was Tegan's turn to take the bathroom and change into her pajamas.

She washed her face, even though her tears continued to run every few minutes, and brushed her teeth. She left the bathroom and her mother was on the phone with her father. She took her side on the bed and turned the pillow around where it was still not damp from wet tears.

"Your father said hi." The light went off in the room and Tegan closed her eyes even though she knew sleep was far from approaching her tired head.

She hummed in response before another panic wave shot up inside of her. She turned around and faced her mother in the darkness of the room. "What did you tell him?"

"He doesn't know anything." Sonia said. "But maybe he should."

"No." She didn't want her father to get told the same story she spent all day telling her mother.

"Why not? Are you ashamed?" Her mother asked.

"For God's sake mom, I told you everything. I can't even look at you because you basically know my sex life in details. Do I really want dad to know about that too? No, thank you." Her tone gruff, she snapped at her mother.

"Hey, hey calm down." Her mother raised her voice too but it was still carrying the tenderness it always carried within its timbre. "Did you actually think I thought you a virgin who hasn't even experienced anything? I thought you've had sex when you were with these fucked up group you hung out with for a while. With that woman, what's her name? Jenn? Jenny?"

"Jenn." Tegan corrected her bashfully.

"And then I thought you and Emy were together but you just didn't tell me. I may be a mother but I'm not that naive to hope my daughter to stay a virgin till marriage."

"But we don't have to talk about it." When was her mother going to stop?_ When will she stop? Is this ever going to end?_

"There's nothing wrong in talking about it, Tegan." Her mother sighed. "We're grown ups here."

"But you're my mother. It's just awkward." Tegan argued.

"I just wanna help you." She sighed once again.

"How are you gonna help me? Give Sara a gyno exam and tell her she's totally fine so we can move on with our lives and you get back and stop making me regret opening up to you?" Her mother started laughing after her angry outburst. She didn't understand why her mother was chortling in the quiet dark room, but she was.

"You're such a kid, Tegan." Her mother guffawed. "And that's why you and Sara got so along. You both are kids at heart. You're so much alike and are very immature." _So insulting your daughter made you laugh._ Tegan wanted to drop the F bomb at her mother but it was her mother who was there, so she just did it under her breath.

"Don't make me go ask for a room for myself and pay for it with your credit card." Tegan gave an empty threat and her mother laughed once again.

"Oh, you wouldn't dare." Yes she would and she could. "Just try to get some sleep. You have to go to university tomorrow." She would have lived without her mother reminding her of that, but she was reminded and fuck, she's going have to wait till two in the afternoon to see Sara in class.

The next morning Tegan showered and got ready for university quickly. Sara still hadn't responded to her text messages nor called her back. She hoped she'd see Sara around campus or visit her office while skipping a class or something, but she really couldn't afford doing that because they were heading towards finals soon and she needed every bit of information she could grasp from her classes in order to fix her scores.

"How much are you planning to stay here?" Before she left, she asked her mother who had just awaken.

"Well I was thinking about a week but right now I'm not sure, honey." Sonia yawned as she sat up. "How was your sleep?"

"I didn't get any." Which wasn't a lie at all, Tegan truly hadn't had her eyes closed all night, and at the moment she just needed a good cup of coffee and some Advil to relieve the aching of her head. "What do you mean you're not sure?" She didn't want her mother to stay because it only provided more complications.

"It means I'm not sure if I can just leave you like this with your girlfriend when you're both so lost and miserable."

"But that's none of your business." Tegan sighed and tried again, "I mean this is our relationship and we will work it out." Sonia looked at her phone and it seemed that she was reading a text message.

"I wouldn't be so sure." Sonia got up and walked to the bathroom. "Go to university and we'll talk later. Maybe we can have lunch together?" No. She wanted to see Sara. Perhaps it was selfish to choose the woman she saw everyday over her mother who had just come here, but her mother should just mind her own business and return to where she came from.

"Uh, sure, bye." Tegan lied in order to shut her mother up and restrict any argument that was bound to happen if she told her she wanted to go to Sara, who ignored all her calls and texts.

"Don't..." She chained her eyes in a glare around her friend. "Don't you fucking dare explain." Tegan reprimanded. "Calling my mother and telling her everything? Did you go fucking nuts? I could fucking kill you and throw your body to the fucking dogs right now."

"Calm down." Emy pulled her back from the threatening posture she took and rubbed both of her arms. Her coward-looking guy friend had his hands covering his face in fear she might harm him. "I know what he did is fucked up but he was just worried."

"Well that's not his fucking problem." Tegan sent another sharp look his way. The clock ticked and no evidence of Sara's existence was there. Only two more classes left and Sara's class would take place and hopefully Sara would show up with a good mood. "That's something so private between me and her and bringing my mother only made everything worse, Jeremy." She could honestly collapse in tears once again, but she truly hadn't the energy.

"I'm really sorry." Jeremy had spent the whole break apologizing and she spent the whole break scolding him. "I just couldn't see you so fucking hurt. I just felt like someone had to meddle." Tegan shook her head and closed her eyes, one tear escaped her swollen lids. "I'm really sorry." He reached one hand to touch her shoulder but she shook it away.

"You really fucked it up for me, Jermey. You really did." She stood up, to save what's left of her dignity and her power not to break down and went to her class. Emy did follow her and tried to calm her down, but there was no point because her heart felt like a machine near its stopping point when it had been overworked and overused, and at any moment that heart of her could break and stop working if she couldn't get in contact with her girlfriend.

And to add a cherry on top of a shit cake, Sara didn't show up to her class.

Before anybody could try to take a hold of Tegan, before Emy could try to talk to her, Tegan left the university and walked with all her speed to Sara's apartment. She didn't care about the car that honked when it almost hit her, or the kid she almost knocked down while passing between him and his mother. She didn't say sorry to the person she hit in the shoulder while running past him. She just walked and ran as if the world was going to end and she had only these five minutes left to save Sara from the apocalypse.

When she used her own keys to the apartment that she called hers for these two months, she didn't expect to find Sara there, but oddly enough, she found Sara in her bedroom and seated on the floor with heaps of papers surrounding her. "Sara?" She swallowed hard when she witnessed the scarlet circles around Sara's eyes. "Why didn't you show up today?" Sara was dressed, she wasn't in her pajamas and her hair wasn't a mess, she looked well-dressed despite the fact that her face was scarred with fatigue. "Were you out?"

She felt Sara's breathing and she knew Sara was holding her breath and releasing it in order to calm herself down. She sat down beside her lover and frowned. The corners of her lips curled down on their own and her tears just ran by themselves without her brain functioning why. It seemed that her body could sense the tribulation that encircled them and was going to cause a great ordeal from now on.

"I was really tired." Sara mouthed, looking at one of these white sheets that Tegan could tell were all medical tests from different hospitals and doctors. "Tegan?" Sara asked once again and her student looked up. "I want you to understand what I'm going to say and ask from you, okay?" Tegan nodded and tried to count on her breathing exercises like her professor did. "Right now," Sara began with scratching the back of her head. Glassy eyes never leaving Tegan's own teary ones. "I am in a really big conflict." Tegan was about to open up her mouth but Sara hurried to hush her. "Just listen to what I'm gonna say without interrupting, please." Tegan nodded once again as a sniffle presented itself while she tried harder to lock her tears. Sara tried to smile but failed, and Tegan saw it. "Things are very hard now and you can see that, right?"

"Right." Tegan whispered.

"I know how much you love me and how much you want to be here to help me and be around me, and I love you too and wish I could have you here while I'm trying to figure everything out, but darling, I really, really need a little time on my own." Before Tegan could jump in to protest, Sara continued, "Look, this is not me breaking up with you, I promise you. We're together. I just need to be alone in here till the end of May at least? I just need to see what I'm gonna do about my situation, about the surgery and all of that. I need to visit my parents and fill them in, I just need some time to think." Tegan's hands were even tired from wiping her tears so she just let them run. "Why are you crying?" Sara gave a soft chuckle. "I'll still see you at university, we'll talk after class and all. I just need to do a lot of thinking. Don't cry, please."

"But this feels like breaking up. Why don't you want me to be here with you?"

"Because sometimes human beings need a little bit of space. I know you need it too." No, she didn't. She needed Sara. She's with Sara. "Tegan, we're still together. I'm not gonna date anybody or be with anybody and you're not gonna do the same, you can wait for just two more months, right? I'll see you, you'll see me, just not as often. I know it's really hard but I seriously need the space."

"I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can just see you there and not kiss you. I can't stay away. I love you and I already miss you." Before she knew it, Sara kissed her swollen lips so tenderly, it calmed her just a bit down.

"To tell you the truth, Tegan," Sara chuckled once again. "I got one last warning at the university because someone from your class had gone to the dean and told him that I am sleeping with you. Which I denied but I ended up with a last warning of respecting boundaries and the space between a student and a professor." Tegan's mouth widened as all the faces from her class were enlisted in front of her eyes while she tried to point out who's the bitch that ratted them out. "So on top of that came my guest and all the pressure and pain it brought with it to fuck it all up for both of us." Sara was speaking of her cancer, and the fact she was so cold in speaking about it made Tegan's organs feel numb. "So ya, I just need to be alone." Sara shrugged.

Tegan stood up with more tears staining every inch of her face. "I'll leave you alone." She whispered walking to the door.

"I'll get you a suitcase to put your things in." Sara walked into her closet. "Take as much as you can because I'm probably gonna get another apartment out of town after I heal again." Sara already had made a promise to herself that she was going heal again. And that was the only hope Tegan got in order to endure another separation, much harsher that time around. "This semester will end and you'll visit your family, right?" Tegan didn't know, she hadn't thought about it at all. She thought it was going to be her and Sara forever in this apartment, but she was just really stupid in thinking life was just that magically easy and would give her what she wanted without taking something from her. "Well anyway, we'll talk about it later. About all of this. Maybe next week, don't worry, we'll be in touch." It appeared that Sara was trying her best to assure Tegan that what was happening was a simple break they both needed, like a getaway, in order for them both to get back with more fuel in their system and a better spark in their love.

"I'm gonna miss you. I hate this." She stomped her foot against the ground with the small suitcase with most of her things in them. She didn't want to leave. Why couldn't Sara just get it? She wanted to stay and bear Sara and all her burdens.

"It's temporary, so don't leave me?" She didn't expect that from her lover. She didn't expect the hopeful eyebrow raising in contemplation, the guilty octave breaking, she didn't expect it because everything indicated that Sara only wanted to get rid of her. "And I'm gonna miss you too." Sara smiled one last time and they kissed one last time, but it wasn't like the one they had the day before, but perhaps it was enough because just this one kiss showed how much both of them were severely frail and exhausted with the blades that surrounded their love.

And another goodbye happened, more tears were shed, now Tegan was forced to return to her dorm when she swore she's not going there again unless she and Sara broke up. Now she's there again, with a suitcase in hand and a face flushed and looking hard.

"Tegan?" Emy said when she saw her best friend like a long lost man who had just found its way back home after years and years of evanescence.

Tegan could finally collapse and cry and cry, and cry, and nobody could tell her not to. Her best friend hugged her crying form instead of saying any word or making any sound and that's all Tegan wanted, no words, no sounds, nothing but the melody of her loud sobs filling up the dorm room she once left with tears and now she's back in with more tears.


	32. Going Back to the Start

**Chapter 32: Going Back to the Start. **

Going back to the start. Going back to the days Tegan wanted a glimpse of Sara's attention. Going back to the days of daydreaming about being with Sara. Once Tegan wondered what it was like to be with Sara, to be around Sara, to love Sara and be loved by Sara. She didn't even think it was going to happen, but gladly for her it did. Or perhaps it wasn't gladly at all but rather unfortunate.

Sara did promise a reunion after therapy of body and soul, but it was harder to believe with every second passing without Sara's voice and Sara's presence. What about all these texts Tegan sent the past two days? They were ignored and left unanswered. Going back to the start when Tegan didn't get to see Sara unless in her nightly dreams and in her daily classes. Going back to the start when Sara was just a lovely dream Tegan wished to be hugged by, not knowing that it was a nightmare wearing a mask of a daydream.

Going back to the start when she cried all day long and refused to eat one bite of food. Going back to the start when sleep was just too troublesome, because if she closed an eye she'd see the car passing by, she'd see the street, and she'd see Sara waving goodbye. Going back to the start when her roommate huffed and sighed once she entered the room or left the bathroom or saw her in a class they shared. Going back to the start when her mother tried her best to make her speak or stop her tears. And going back to the start when she ignored all the human voices surrounding her and only lit up the scorching whispers of Sara inside her head.

She relived every moment inside her head and heard every word Sara had said. She kept on repeating their days and nights in order to fill up the pieces she had missed. She found nothing, because Sara was constantly relished around her and in touching her and she didn't even think of pushing her away to be on her own with the pirate that stole her health and her mirth.

What did happen exactly and made them go back to the start? It's like one day they forgot the window unguarded and there came the gasping wind stealing away their love and replacing it with a sad poem about death and sadness.

And while Tegan sat in Sara's class, she wondered if Sara was going to pull up her mind games once again and pull them back to the very early start. What if Tegan had been sleeping all that time and she just woke up to find herself at the start? Maybe it was a warning dream, maybe it was a daydream while she's still in Sara's class from that year before when Sara took her breath away and made her heart flutter and sway.

Emy walked inside and Tegan's thoughts were shredded in half when the blue-eyed brunette sat beside her. "Look what Jeremy got you." Her friend took out a bag of chocolate bars of each kind that Tegan's tongue desired. "Eat one. You haven't eaten one thing in two days."

Tegan shook her head despite the saliva collecting in her tongue and the excitement that her stomach sent to her brain upon seeing the sugary goodness. "He can't bribe me with chocolate. I'm not a kid." She mumbled while scribbling some lines unrecognized into her notebook.

Her friend sighed and reached for Tegan's backpack to put the bag in there. "He's just trying to make it up to you. He's really sorry, Tegan." Her guy friend had tried anything he could to get her to forgive him those past two days, but his efforts were plainly unmet. "If anything, he loves you more than anybody else, trust me on that." And if love fires beating, breathing jealousy than that's not pure love, but rather pure possessiveness. "You know either way the same thing would have happened. She just needs some time alone. Stop doing that to yourself." Tegan knew that's true, but she needed someone to blame other than the monster mongering death and stepping between the two of them.

"She doesn't talk to me. She hasn't responded to my texts. It's like we just broke up." Sara entered the class before Tegan could finish her sentence, and even though the student was whispering, her professor's eyes were directed right away at her unkempt appearance.

Now Sara did in fact look very much jaded. Her face free of any make up and did look wounded with troubles and satiated with worry. But she still dressed the best she could and stood like a straight mast without any wind to break its devotion. Tegan noticed one other thing and it was her necklace hiding behind the navy shirt that she had purchased for her lover. Call that a relief to a troubled mind, but then Sara took her place on the chair, because standing seemed too hard to perform, and smiled and flirted with every woman in class, even her best friend, but not with Tegan herself.

Eyes focused with burning fire in them, Tegan stared at her professor with a clenched jaw and tight ire in her chest. "I'll be handing you your presentations with your assigned partners so the next classes will all be presentations till the end."

"What about the other subjects we didn't get to finish in the syllabus?" One student asked from behind.

"These are the subjects you're going to present in class. I'm not going to let you present on your reports. They were so badly-written I don't wanna relive the agony of hearing your stupidities again." Tegan was pretty sure she heard someone murmuring _bitch_ under their breath from behind, and at this point she really didn't care nor wanted to defend a professor who insulted her students just like that. That was not the same Sara she fell in love with, that was the wicked Sara from the first day she entered the class a year before. Going back to the start, Sara was that bitch her class despised once again.

"So will you pick the subjects and choose who presents each?" Her friend asked and she witnessed an eye roll from her professor.

"Yes, Emily, I will assign them. I've said that already." And now she could see half a smirk from Sara. "God, I hate when you ask me stupid questions." Her friend furrowed her brows and looked at her. All Tegan could do was shrug and avert her gaze, which was met by Sara's scanning one until a locking of the eyes happened and Sara looked at someone else.

Sara continued her class and there returned the wink she once used but it only returned to someone else, some other woman. Whenever Tegan raised her head, she saw her lover's eyes on hers before quickly shifting them away.

And then class ended and Tegan wanted to stay till the end to speak with Sara. She asked for her friend to wait for her outside of class and so Emy did. Tegan stood at Sara's desk where the professor was chatting with another student.

"Okay, so that's why I've been absent the whole week." The blonde showed the professor a hospital report. "I almost broke my ribs, see there? I needed bed rest." Sara nodded and smiled.

"You should be careful next time." Sara smiled once again as the student continued blabbering about her adventure.

"Oh my god, wanna see?" Before Sara could say anything, the student lifted her shirt all the way up above her blue bra, making both Sara and Tegan open their eyes in sheepish shock.

Sara averted her gaze and Tegan saw two things, the red ear and the ghost of a smirk. "Emma, you probably shouldn't have done that in here. Please, put your shirt down." Sara shook her head and Emma did as Sara told her with a smile never leaving her features. "Well get better, I'll erase your absences." Sara promised, Tegan glowered.

"Kay, see you on Friday, Doctor." Emma walked out of class with the same enthusiasm.

"Gee, looks like all girls want a piece of you. Must be enticing, huh?" Tegan said with a bitter chuckle, moving her fingers swiftly on the desk.

"Excuse me?" Sara looked at her with squinting lids. "Learn how to speak with your professor if you want to stay in this class." Sara scolded. Tegan tried to think she was imagining and she would snap out of it any time soon. Her furrowed brows and her clenched jaw stayed still as she tried to make sense of what was happening. "I have to get to my next class. Do you have anything you want to say, Ms. Rain?" Sara was already up and already walking to the door. Tegan followed, but her mouth was taped with shock because she didn't expect Sara to do such a thing, and yet it was totally predictable because now they went back to the start.

Sara looked at Emy who stood outside. She looked at her from head to toe before continuing to her next class. And Tegan? She just stood there like a frozen statue, trying to convince her world that it's alright, Sara no longer wanted her around, Sara no longer wanted her affection, and all of that, all of it was an act to get her out of the way.

"What happened?" Emy broke the screaming silence around them.

"We're over." Tegan simply said, swallowing the lump in her throat and walking.

"She broke up with you?" Tegan didn't answer. "What happened? What did she say?" Emy insisted.

"We're over." Tegan repeated as she walked. "We're fucking over." Her tears already hurried trailing down her face as she walked.

"Oh my God, Tee." Emy gasped. "I'm so sorry."

Sara didn't say it, but Tegan read it on her lips and saw it in her eyes. They're over, their love was done. There was no love, was there any? There must have been. Sara told her about it many, many times. But Sara also told her that her love expires all of a sudden. And Sara's love seemed to be expired, Sara no longer loved her, Sara no longer wanted her.

Tegan cried and cried and did her daily crying while in the apartment her mother rented to stay at. Emy tried and tried and did her daily consoling in that same place. And Sonia? Well, all she could do was try to understand and analyze Sara. But Sonia could never do that because even Tegan, who was so close to her, couldn't do it. Sara was Sara and whatever happened in her brain was something no one could take a look at.

"Was I dreaming all that time? Was I seeing things? Tell me, Emy. Tell me, was I dreaming?" Tegan sniffled and sobbed. "Maybe I was dreaming and I just woke up. Please tell me did we date? Did it happen? What's right and what's wrong?" She choked on word she said.

"Shhh." Emy whispered. "It's alright. Tegan, it's fine. You weren't dreaming. She's just messed up in the head." But Tegan refused to believe that. Tegan only believed that she's the one messed up in the head.

"Please, calm down, honey." Sonia tried as well. Her comforting hand rubbing Tegan's back where her daughter's head rested on her chest. "It's gonna be fine. I swear to you, it's gonna be fine. Just bear this one month around her and you won't see her again. Don't ever take a subject with her again. Try not to walk her way again." But these words only made Tegan's bawling rise in octave because how could she? How could someone just stay away and get over such a love? All these flashbacks of her and Sara came back there to her head and she cried and cried because what happened? All of a sudden? What happened? She needed an answer but there was none.

"It's not. It's not gonna be fine." She wept and talked. "How do you think it's gonna be fine? Just last week we were together on the same bed and now she doesn't even wanna talk to me. What did I do? I don't get it?" The sounds she let out were all so disturbing and so pained. "We were supposed to be happy together. We were supposed to stay together. I was supposed to graduate and have a baby with her and we were supposed to stay together till we're eighty. That's what she said, I swear. She meant it, I know she meant it. Why is she mean just because she's sick? Why doesn't she love me anymore?"

"A baby?" Her mother looked at her. "You're nineteen." Tegan was well aware of that. "You'll be twenty two when you graduate. You won't be ready for a child. What about all your dreams? All your aims? Remember what you used to say to me? Remember how you wanted to be a writer? Remember how you wanted to be a professor at university? Remember how much you loved literature that you wanted a PhD so soon? Look at your dreams. A baby so soon with an ill woman? That's how much you wanted to kill everything you built and worked for because you loved her? Tegan, if anything, I think this woman saved your life from a big mistake. She really didn't hurt you, she saved you." Her mother preached but none of her words made any sense because that's not what Tegan wanted to hear. "If she meant to spare you from her burdens or not, she in fact did you a favour. You're so young, baby." Sonia sighed, her hand stroking Tegan's hair. "You don't know anything about this world. This is your first experience and the first is always a project unfinished, but it teaches you a lot. Do you know how much everything can change within a year? You could wake up one day and have a change of heart, find whoever sleeping beside you isn't the one you've always wanted even though you wanted them for as long as you could remember." Just the way Sara did with her, Sara didn't want her no more. "Don't be sad. Be happy you got out of a bad relationship. You know how miserable it made you, you know how sad it made you, you know being with her will always be hard. With time you would get sick of it, give it a year and you'd be out of her life in your will. I promise you that's what would have happened."_ No, it wouldn't have, you don't know me, you don't know the love in my heart._ Tegan simply couldn't believe her love would end for the woman. It's a project left unfinished like her mother had said.

What would a broken heart do but be wounded and cry for the pieces torn apart. What would one do but mourn and try to figure out how things went wrong. In Tegan's case, she knew exactly where things went wrong, and yet her broken heart stung and burned as her memories embodied all of her and she became a hole of pictures. Nights of endless pleasure, days of mirth and laughter, all of them, all of these, they haunted her head while her body remained numb and her actions could be considered crazy to the outsider.

She laughed one second while watching a sitcom and cried all night while listening to music. And food was the last thing on her mind because her priority was her lover._ What's Sara doing right now?_ She kept asking that question each hour. Going back to the start, she no longer knew what's her lover doing, now she's wondering again and building fantasies in her head. Could she be crying? She asked that question to herself because now she knew Sara, and that's the only difference from the start. Sara is a human, she cries, she hurts, she gets hurt, she feels, she laughs, she utters vulgar words, she is poetic, she is passionate, she is romantic, and she fears loss. So why did she push her away then? Only one answer appeared in Tegan's head: Sara didn't love her anymore.

Perhaps Sara considered her a jinx, a curse, someone who she should stay far away from. Maybe she was. She could be.

That night, Tegan stayed with her mother, didn't say much, ate only what she was forced to stuff her face with, and slept after a fit of tears. Next day, Sonia dragged her out and they went to grab breakfast together, which she ended up eating only little from, because if she ate more, she would have ended up throwing it all up.

Then Tegan returned to her dorm and buried her face in the books as if they were her most interest. She studied and she revised, and read, and wrote, and then cried herself to sleep once again.

Then morning came and she had to face the cruel weather; cold in the early hours, hot in the afternoon. She took her three classes, then she was attacked by her two friends. Tegan wasn't in the mood for any argument and it showed on her appearance that she wasn't in the mood.

Jeremy tried once again to earn her forgiveness, and she didn't care anymore, she forgave so he could shut up and she could return to her world of thoughts.

"You forgive me?" Jeremy repeated. "Are you sure? Do you mean it? Please, Tee, I swear to everything I didn't mean to hurt you, I was worried, I couldn't take seeing you like that."

"It's okay, Jeremy. Just let it go, please." She sighed. "I don't wanna talk about it. Let's put it behind us."

"Hey, now this is progress, not wanting to keep talking about the past." Emy said, but the truth was, no, that's not progress at all, because Tegan knew suppressing her thoughts and feelings was much worse than letting them all out in shouts and cries. Mourning about it in the dark was only toxic to her body and brain, letting it all out and speaking about it was what should be called progress. Yet, Tegan didn't argue, because she didn't want to talk about it.

"Saturday night? The bar? Just like old times." Jeremy said with excitement. "Even Lindsey will be there." He paused. "Without the boyfriend." Which made Emy sigh in relief. Tegan hadn't even thought about their third friend, nor ever met the boyfriend, and from the looks on her friend's faces, she's glad she hadn't. "What do you say, Tee?"

Going to the bar means going back to the start where she used to go there and anticipate seeing the woman she was secretly in love with. Except this time it's different because she knew Sara wouldn't show up, her place would be empty or filled with a stranger sipping their beer and trying to get someone to talk to them. This time she'll remember Sara if she went to the bar, but again she wanted to go back to the start because there was a sense of tranquility in thinking that nothing had happened and she was dreaming all along, and everything, everything was just the same as it was at the start.

"Ya. Sounds good." She said with the lack of enthusiasm she was excused to display.

Then Sara's class came and she avoided with every power within her looking at her professor. She counted on breathing exercises and pinching her wrist whenever a sob became too ecstatic to march its way through her veins in order to reach her swollen eyes.

Sara didn't talk much the entire class and she left the analysis to her students as she sat on her chair, agreed or disagreed quietly and in tired whispers.

When a student asked about the presentations list, Sara answered, "I've been dealing with some issues lately, hadn't gotten the time to make the list, I'll try my best this weekend." Tegan saw the half smile she no longer bought from the corner of her eyes, and such things just made her heart want to jump out of her body. Such things made her want to cry at the scene of an ill, injured lover. She could forgive and forget her own injury, but she really couldn't let her heart be unblinded by the misery Sara was in. Her broken heart and the broken promises mattered much more than Sara's state and Sara's health, however.

Tegan left her class too soon, the last thing she remembered was her professor dismissing the class half way through it and burying her face in her hands. Going back to the start, the scene repeated itself once again, Sara in the same position from the year before. Save that, Tegan stayed and asked her what's the matter the year before, and now Tegan left her alone because she wanted to be left alone. Tegan was doing what Sara asked of her, she wasn't doing anything wrong.

She returned once again to her mother's place, sat on the same sofa and bawled till she dozed off. When she woke up, her mother was sitting beside her curled body and the television was showing a muted film. "Mom?"

"Oh, Tegan." The excitement in her mother's voice was too loud for the silence inside her system. "You woke up, honey?"

"No, I'm talking in my sleep." She rolled her eyes and stretched. What does it say about sleep being the best cure to a depressed soul? Sleep refreshes the person and releases the poisons outside of the body. Tegan felt much better when she woke up. It's probably because when one wakes up they don't have much thoughts troubling them, but then, after more minutes, every thought they have encountered before sleep returns once again to crowd the streets of one's mind. God, Tegan hated the honking, the noise, and the pollution inside her head.

"Oh, God." Her mother's hand instantly moved to her hair, brushing it gently with her motherly touch. "I've missed your sense of humour, baby." She didn't like when her mother called her that, because that's what Sara called her and she didn't want to think much about Sara, yet she couldn't, because the scene of a broken woman didn't leave her head since she saw it.

"Is Sara's cancer curable?" She asked, because it was on her mind since she knew about it.

"Thinking about her again? Tegan?" Sonia sighed.

"I see her three days a week. She was my everything, do you want me to just forget about her just because she turned into a big bitch?" Her guilt was pretty much alive, but her anger was winning, and her ego was taking the lead.

"It depends." Sonia answered. "How far along it is? If it's been a while and she's not aware of it, there's a great chance it has already spread to other organs without her knowing."_ Oh, God, does that mean Sara could die? No, Sara said she won't die._

She didn't know if she was hoping that Sara would heal and they'd get back together or hoping to stay away as possible from the mad woman, all she knew was that she missed even her breath in the morning when she's still asleep.

"She should have removed her cervix with her womb and ovaries, it would have been more safe."

"But she had chemo and all, like she fully healed." Tegan tried to understand how that fiend had found Sara's body back and made it its prey.

"It's her fate, Tegan. You can't challenge what's written." Tegan hated fate, it was always too cruel to the good ones. It was cruel to her and she did nothing, it was cruel to Sara and she did nothing.

Then silence took its place once again and Tegan returned to her thoughts once again. She thought with herself, maybe she should see a therapist, to let it all out. This time around she wouldn't mind the antidepressants or the sleeping pills because she wanted to become numb and she wanted to sleep too much, that's the only way she'd stop crying, it's the only way she'd forget.

But could she forget? She didn't think she could.

Sara? That woman changed her life. Who could forget someone who turned her whole life upside down? Sara made her see, made her realize, made her have a solid opinion, made her less scared, challenged her through love and through passion. Sara made her feel comfortable and didn't judge her. Sara appreciated her body and her soul. Could she forget Sara? She knew she'd bring the woman with her to her dying day.

But would Sara forget her? She was half sure about it. She'd be a story told with a bitter chuckle to another lover. Or maybe Sara would skip her like the men she skipped talking about. Two months of dating, Sara wouldn't even throw a thought her way. After all, she was the kid that Sara was too embarrassed to love.

And that's how Tegan's sadness always changed to ire and her grudge found a shelter inside her mind.

"Aren't you hungry? Want me to prepare anything for you to eat?" Sonia broke the silence again and Tegan wondered if her mother sensed the anger that was roaming around her halo.

"I'm not hungry." She's never hungry anymore, she's always too full to eat, too nauseous to think about food.

"You're gonna have to eat something eventually or else you'll end up in a hospital with a fucking tube attached to your veins." Her mother snapped at her and her mother rarely did that, it seemed like both of them were swimming in fury.

"How long are you staying here?" She changed the subject.

"Till you finish this semester, we've already discussed this." And she didn't want her mother to stay and annoy the serenity of her unserene thoughts. "You finish finals and we go back to California."

"Don't you have work?" When her mother didn't answer, she continued, "Like some bitches squeezing babies out of their vaginas or something? Don't you have to go take the baby out?"

"What kinda way of speaking is that? When did you learn to speak like that?" She could see her mother's shocked features by looking up at her. "That's no way of speaking. You don't call women you don't know bitches. That's rude and very disrespectful."

"Well, sorry." Tegan sighed only because she didn't want to argue. "But like seriously, don't you have to work?"

"I don't have any scheduled births till the end of May and the beginning of June."

"But what if one has a premature baby? Like what if she gives birth right now and you're here just sitting around doing nothing?"

"Tegan, I'm not going away till you finish." Her mother firmly said. "I know what you're doing, my job is my problem, it's none of your business. Meanwhile, I'm not leaving my daughter this broken alone in a foreign country."

_Well, I truly appreciate your concern but could you suffocate me just a little bit less?_ "I see." Tegan whispered.

On Saturday, Tegan and Emy grabbed lunch together and went back to the dorm. They talked, they gossiped, they even laughed, and that was the first time since the past two years Tegan felt normal and felt free from toxins of the mind.

She liked that, in fact she liked it too much that her friend's blue eyes may have caused her to feel a slight tingle inside. She didn't know what that was. Perhaps it could be the process of healing. It could be the process of getting over someone. It could be the beginning to letting go. Or it really could be her mind trying to avenge Sara's negligence by tricking her into admiring her friend.

Emy's beautiful, Tegan was well aware of that, and she was as well attractive. She had never looked at her friend's body even though they had seen each other naked. But when Emy stood in front of her, laughing, smiling, making jokes in a bra and panties, with wet hair and a fresh face, Tegan couldn't help but shift, blush, and stare. It could also be the need that was left unsatisfied since the day Sara had ordered a separation.

She asked herself one question, till when was she going to let Sara's broken promises control her? Her mother, her friends, they were all correct, she's wasting her time and her youth with a woman lost with the wind.

That night, Tegan dressed the best she could since ever and looked her best. She went with a smile to the bar and sat like these two years have never occurred. Going back to the start, she's going to be the happy kid she was and enjoy the company of her friends.

One problem was that, subconsciously, her eyes longed to stare at the empty booth Sara once claimed her own. Nobody Sat there at all, nobody took Sara's place. It made her think, she really never noticed Sara before she'd seen her in the classroom. Sara was always there in front of her, and she always looked at that angle yet she had never seen the woman but always focused on her own happiness with her friends. And perhaps she shall do that once again and ignore the void Sara hadn't filled. Except that the more she focused on her happiness, the more she noticed the emptiness in front of her.

She would never forget Sara.

"She's not coming, stop looking right there." Emy whispered in her ears.

She wondered if she still had a tiny hope of Sara's appearance. How could she not have hope? Even if she denied it, the hope still remained, because only last week Sara spoke words of love and gave promises of eternity to her. How could she just wash it all away one second? Sara said she'd come back, Sara told her to wait, yet her mind just couldn't do that because her person wasn't able to bear the elimination Sara had projected towards her.

It was a tough battle between mind and heart, or rather ego and passion. It really did ache her head to think of it, so mostly she just drowned her thoughts in alcohol and tried to abandon her thoughts, delay them till hours of sobriety.

"It's out of habit." She smiled at her friend, and she also witnessed the bashful nod and the crimson hue colouring her cheeks. Perhaps she stared a bit too much at the twinkling eyes and remembered the feeling of utter calmness that used to hit her when kissing the plump lips of her friend. If only strings weren't attached she'd take her friend as soon as they're back. Her need was transforming into a beastly tornado the more she stared.

"Sooo." Their envious friend made them snap out of their thoughts and embark again on reality.

"You just ruined a good moment, Jeremy." Lindsey elbowed the boy as he scanned both of them.

She hated how jealous her friend was and she never was able to get it, and it felt damn good to make him jealous and tease him. She never understood why she did that, but she had always done it, she always wanted to make everybody jealous and tease everybody. She craved that attention, she wanted to feel loved and wanted it from everyone around her. Was it lack of self esteem? She asked herself many times. She knew she just wanted to compensate for the loss of something by filling that void in her heart, seeing her friends jealous of each other because of them wanting to have her was the only key.

She thought about it, she could make Emy jealous as well by flirting with Jeremy and so she did. She smirked, winking at her guy friend. Then her hand took its place on the woman's thigh. Why was she doing this? She really couldn't understand herself anymore. She really wished Sara would see this and get jealous.

Going back to the start, she was doing the same thing all over again. Using her friends as a medicine for amnesia, taking advantage of those who loved her in order to feel loved since her lover didn't make her feel that way. It was all the same once again, and she fucking hated it, but couldn't do anything about it.

And night ended with her in bed, tears staining a tired pillow, and a friend trying to make her less tensed by rubbing her back. She slept with mingled thoughts and a contradicted mind. What she wanted and what she needed were different. Body and soul, mind and heart, ego and passion, selfishness and love. They all were fighting inside her head and the beasts awoke the more anger rose, the bad traits took the lead each minute she remembered Sara's burning gaze.

Next morning, she awoke before her roommate, who slept beside her on her bed, and went to the bathroom. Her shower was good until she felt too lightheaded and wasn't able to stand anymore. Her mother was right and she knew it, she also didn't know why she just couldn't eat when she was in a state of misery, her body simply rejected food.

She sat down in the bathtub and hugged her knees. She waited till the shampoo was completely rinsed off and then closed the faucet. She stayed there for quite a bit until she heard shifting from the room. "Emy?" She called for her friend.

"Yes?" Emy responded.

"Can you..." She hesitated, looking at her nude form, but really, she didn't care anymore. Sara gave her too much confidence that her nude body was not an issue anymore. "Come in and help me, please?"

A second later her friend came in and she could see her figure from behind the curtain. "Oh, you're in the shower." Emy stated sheepishly.

"Uh, ya." Tegan took a breath. "I'm gonna faint." She could feel her breathing becoming heavier each second, and she could feel the blurriness in her vision advancing. "I can't stand."

"Oh, alright." With hurried movements, her friend opened the curtain, helped her stand up, held her wet body, and wrapped her towel around her. "Come on, lean on me, let's go back to the room." She did as her friend said, and they both walked back to her bed, where she rested all her body on the mattress as soon as she collapsed on it.

Fresh air made her breathing steady once again and got her back to normal. "Thank you." She smiled weakly at her standing friend.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Emy sighed, walking to the mini fridge. "No, I'll tell you why you're doing this to yourself." She cut her off before finishing. "You wanna be so weak and so sick just the way Sara is in order to feel sorry for yourself." In her mind, she couldn't deny that, but her evil twin insisted that's not the case. "We all do that, Tegan. It's fine." Emy sighed once again and sat on the broken woman's bed. "Get up. Here." She handed her a bar of chocolate. "Please, just eat this. You need some sugar in your body." Tegan nodded and took what she could get. "You think if you did that Sara will feel it and come to you, don't you?"

Her friend gave her that look, that one look, the one that said _I know you too well so don't lie to me_. Tegan chewed slowly and wiped tears which fell again and again. "I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm thinking. I'm angry at her one minute, I'm sorry for her the other. It's really hard."

"I know that. I really do. I've been in love. I've been rejected." Emy shrugged. And Tegan, she knew too well that she's the one being addressed. "It's your right to mourn and cry and think about her. It's your right to feel that way, just don't hurt yourself." Her friend didn't even preach that much like the start, because now Tegan barely heard what others said and only heard what she wanted to hear.

"What makes it so hard is that it's Sunday and I keep wondering what is she doing." She began her rant. "Each Sunday we have this routine." Tegan sent an awkward chuckle through tears. "We wake up and we have sex, then we get to the shower and we have sex, then we have breakfast and then we have sex. We spend all day having sex and in different places till we're tired and sore. My body is so used to that routine that I woke up craving her so much and I just want her to touch me. And touching myself is not the same." She was opening up way too much and she really didn't care. Emy never judged her. "I wonder if she's thinking the same."

"She could be." Emy said. "But Tegan, you don't have to mourn about that forever. You love her and you wish to have sex with only her, and I swear I know how that feels. But we're humans, our bodies have needs, just have sex with any girl you feel attracted to, release that need, get the poison out of your system, be happy for that time someone is touching you. You don't have to even push your need away just because she's not giving it to you."

"I know. I was thinking about that, but you know, I'm shy." She took her lip in her mouth and traced the piercing beneath it with her tongue.

"If you're shy your breasts wouldn't be in my face right now, Tegan." Her friend gave her that look once again and she looked down at her nude form, her towel no longer covering it. Before she could wrap it again around herself, Emy held her hand and pushed them away. "Do you want me to help you with this?" Before she could answer, Emy continued, "Only if you want. Just sex, just to get you off. We've already done that before."

She thought about it, and she did want it. If Sara could have sex with her best friend when they're both single and still remain a good friend to her, so could she, there's nothing to lose.

Tegan nodded shyly. "I want you to touch me." She whispered. She was shy only because she felt some incomprehensible guilt roaming around her, other than that, she's no longer shy to ask someone to give her pleasure because Sara taught her otherwise.

Tegan found herself once again wrapped around her friend's soft kisses and cotton candy touches. She closed her eyes and pushed her thoughts to the back of her head. But only kept and concentrated at one thought the whole time her friend smothered her flesh with wet kisses, the thought of Sara doing that, the thought of Sara's hands going there, inspecting, searching, brushing, caressing. She figured if she kept her eyes closed and imagined it was her lover, everything was going to be fine, and she'd come knowing her lover did that.

Tegan knew how Sara's tongue danced on her skin and inside of her core, she knew what it felt like mingling with her own fluids and flicking her hardened nipples, and Emy's tongue was not the way Sara's tongue felt. She felt the difference, she felt the lack of experience, she felt the softness she's no longer used to. But she didn't want to open her eyes in fear she'd cry knowing it's not Sara down between her spread thighs. She did as Emy told her and enjoyed the moment of need till the very end of it.

She rocked her body and moaned loudly and did everything the same way she did it around Sara. She pulled on her friend's hair and cupped her own breasts. She arched her back and undulated her hips, squeezed her eyes shut and cursed in that moment all the blood rushed down to her clit. Finally, she rode her friend's face and enjoyed the last bits of nirvana that still didn't satisfy the need of a swollen heart.

Then she opened her eyes and for a moment she could swear she saw Sara in front of her. She saw Sara with her mirror-like eyes, she saw Sara staring at her the way she did back in the start. But then she blinked and her friend was there with her own juices glistening on her chin.

_Oh my god, what have I done?_ Reality hit her once again and she woke up.

"You taste so fucking good." Her friend complimented sensually, but there was no time for comments and compliments or sexual interactions anymore. _What have I_ _done?_ She stood up quickly searching for any clothing she could throw on. _What have I done?_ "Where are you going? Aren't you gonna..." Her friend trailed off as a rosy hue marred her face.

"I totally forgot, I have to see mom." She lied in a hurry as she slipped her clothes on. _What have I done?_ "I'm so sorry. Uh...another time." She didn't even allow her friend to say anything more, she stormed off as quickly as she could and walked to her mother's apartment with tears the strangers saw while she didn't bother wiping them off. _What have I done?_

She walked inside and found her mother on the sofa, eyes focused on the television. "Mom." The fountain of tears didn't stop one second.

Her mother's attention shifted towards her as confusion and worry slowly invaded her mother's features. "Tegan, what's wrong?"

"I've done something really, really bad." Sonia stood up and walked up to her weeping daughter.

"What did you do?" Calmly, and yet in a hurricane-like tone, her mother asked.

"I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't do at all." She shook her head.

"Tegan, for God's sake, what have you done?" The mother shouted in worry.

The daughter sniffled and shook her head once again. "I can't tell you. I can't say it."

"You're worrying me. Please tell me." The mother pleaded.

"You'll be so disappointed in me."

"You're gonna give me a heart attack, please tell me." Yet she couldn't tell her mother, she couldn't say it, she couldn't admit it out loud.

What have I done? All day she asked herself that question with tears never leaving her eyes. Sonia begged and pleaded for Tegan to talk to her, yet the daughter simply couldn't. All she wanted was a shoulder to cry on without making more mistakes due to her misery. She just wanted her mother to offer her warm embrace and soothing words but nothing more.

"Tell me it's all gonna be fine. Lie to me." She cried on her mother's lap in the evening.

"I don't know what's wrong now, but I know everything will be fine without lying to you." But she knew nothing would be fine, and it would all be painted upon her face in the morning and in front of her lover.

"I wanna go home. I can't stand it here anymore. I hate this city. I really hate it."

"It's okay, not much left. We'll go home." Just like when she was only a kid, her mother kissed her head and brushed her locks until she slept.

Since the apartment her mother rented only had one bedroom, Tegan didn't mind sharing that bed with her mother each time she spent the night there. She cried each night for the past days and her mother didn't mind at all. She wondered whether it was someone else they would have minded or not. She remembered Sara's fear of shedding tears since it always made lovers walk away. She promised herself and Sara that she wouldn't do that. She didn't want to, but Sara let her, then she stabbed that promise of holding that one thread of the rope until healing day. She cut that thread by pulling just a bit too hard and drifting away a bit too much when it was clear Sara wanted the opposite of that.

When she awoke at dawn, her mother wasn't asleep, she was just sitting there on the bed. At first, Tegan thought her mother was thinking, then it hit her that her mother's praying. It took her back to those days, those days she used to accompany her parents to church, those days she used pray with them, she used to hear the preaching she didn't really care about, and later on didn't agree with. She forgot that her parents were religious as well as forgiving and open minded. It reminded her of Sara's definition of religion and God. _God is love_, Sara told her. _God is inside you and within you and he's merciful, he's kind, he forgives unlike human beings, he loves while humans hate, he's there to help when humans leave you._ But what she did, what she had just done, would God forgive her? Would he be merciful? What about her lover? Did she believe in that God even though he sent a plague to pry on her sweet life?

"Mom?" Her voice came groggy and faltering. She wondered if Sara's awake right now, if Sara's praying maybe, if Sara's thinking.

Her mother snapped out of what was happening in her mind and took a careworn look at her, dark bags beneath her eyes, and Tegan, she felt even more sick looking at how much it troubled her mother to see her troubled. "Remember how they taught us about sin? Remember the different kinds of sin that I snorted hearing? And then we argued and fought about them? I was sixteen, and that's when you told me I shouldn't go to church anymore if I don't believe in what they teach us there."

"I do." Sonia swiftly answered.

"Well, now I believe I really sinned. I am a sinner. I will go to hell and Sara will be in heaven." She swallowed that lump screaming fear in her throat.

Sonia sent her caring touch back to Tegan's head. "And what's that sin?" She calmly whispered.

"I cheated." Tegan said with an emotionless, yet cracked voice. The contrast was eerie but it was there. What was she feeling? Hate towards herself? Anger towards herself and Sara? Fear? What's her feeling? She didn't know. It was being numb that's what she felt. "I cheated on her because she didn't break up with me. I said she did because that's how I understood it, because I was angry. I lied and then cheated."

Her mother didn't say anything, not one thing. She didn't even flinch, didn't even have any reaction. She just sat there and stroke her daughter's hair. "Are you disappointed in me?" Tegan then asked.

"You two both hurt each other." Sonia didn't answer her. "You both broke this relationship." She told her about the fact she now could see clearly. "She doesn't know, right?"

"No. She can't know. I don't know how to reach her. I don't think she wants to reach me."

Her mother sighed and rubbed one of her possibly hurting temples. "Tegan, I'm sorry to say this, but you're on your own in this. I can't do anything anymore, you're doing everything you're thinking of and not taking any advices. And after you err you come running to me and ask me what to do, I give you an advice and you do the opposite. You're on your own. Do what you want. You deal with this. I'm just gonna stay here and support you as the mother I am." A moment of silence sharply cut Sonia's declaration of ending the funds of her help. "What you did was wrong." Then Sonia said, and that was the halting point that made Tegan's tears return in full powerful speed. You know you really fucked up when even your mother isn't on your side anymore. She fucked up, how would she look in Sara's eyes?

But ironically enough, Tegan's demons seemed to be raging inside of her and she looked into Sara's eyes as a brute looking at its feast. Maybe now she's the one who carried these glares of fright. Sara seemed pretty scared.

Emy sat beside her and nothing was said because Sara was already in class before its time. She looked like the ocean, that's the first thought which occurred to Tegan's mind. Sara looked as calm, as peaceful, and as tranquil as the ocean. But she also seemed to be fluctuating like these waves of the ocean as she lisped and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. And looked intimidating as the ocean (you don't know when it's going to storm on you and drown you under) as she tried to pass smiles to the students who spoke to her. Sara passed one single smile towards Tegan, but when you're so angry at yourself you just can't smile back and instead glare so the guilt doesn't eat you up inside.

Then they were discussing a short poem by Rosario Castellanos, entitled _"Chess._" Tegan really liked the verse because it did not only seem interesting, but personally, she could relate to it in her own way. This time she didn't sit around and say nothing, this time she discussed, she spoke, she argued with more students and with Sara herself who seemed too tired to argue (she just asked questions and gave short answers.)

_Because we were friends and sometimes loved each other,_

_perhaps to add one more tie_

_to the many that already bound us,_

_we decided to play games of the mind._

"It's obviously about friends with benefits." Tegan said. "They were friends and sometimes they did love each other, so in another meaning they were friends who acted like lovers."

"That's not necessary." Another student said. "They don't have to have these benefits you're speaking of."

"But it says right there they were playing mind games, they loved each other but they were friends, they didn't tell each other. It's like sleeping with someone you really love, but you know, it's just sex and that's what you agreed on and that's why you can't tell them you love them." She's a motormouth, she spoke whatever crossed her mind with no retreat and no second thought. Sara smiled at everything she said and everything she tried to prove and it only angered her more and made her want to avenge her sin by just letting it all out in angry argument.

"I'm glad you mentioned the part where it says games of mind, because can't you guys notice the title?" Sara asked. "The poem is called _Chess._" She stated. "Chess itself is a game that requires mental intelligence. The whole relationship could be a game. You may not know the rules of chess but focus on it. Focus on the binary oppositions, the opposites. You see, if you move to the second stanza it kind of explains to you why they couldn't be together. It was so hard for them, they were so opposite from each other and yet they were the same. Do you get it now?"

_We set up a board between us:_

_equally divided into pieces, values,_

_and possible moves._

_We learned the rules, we swore to respect them,_

_and the match began._

"And like the reasons are these rules and values. It's like..." Tegan jumped, not giving anybody the chance for discussion. "It's because of what? Culture? Religion? Like these things?"

"Well it could be." Sara answered.

"So you said they're equal..." Another student jumped. "and yet different. How can that be?"

Tegan didn't even allow her professor to answer and once again took it as her job. "Equally divided into pieces? Isn't it equally the same in Chess yet different? It's like they are the same people but so different, and..." It hit her, it really did hit her. This poem, it's her and Sara, it could be her and Sara. The same yet different. She glanced at her professor then back at her classmate and continued, "It's like, lets say they're so different in their characteristics. Like they both have the same personalities, but one is way older than the other, you know? With time people change, so basically the older one is more mature and that's why they're so different from their partner who thinks a bit differently."

"I think you're getting out of the context?" The student responded. "It really could be they are different in beliefs but the same when it comes to personalities. That seems more accurate to interpret such a poem."

"Even though I do agree with the first part you said, I don't agree with the second." Sara cut both women off. "There's no accurate interpretation. There's only one that's proved better than the other. This is poetry, thinking outside of the box is good."

More discussion took place, more argument was projected, then Sara silenced everyone yelling at each other to prove their point. She seemed rather jaded and uninterested, unlike the times when her eyes sparkled as she looked at her arguing students trying to grasp the beauty of literature. Tegan wanted to kill her guilt but the more Sara looked at her the more she drowned in Sara's wild ocean. "Alright, so now let's see, after they found a way to remove the gap between them and remove all the hardships, respect each other's traditions and rules, the match began and they're together. Let's move on to the third stanza."

_We've been sitting here for centuries, meditating_

_ferociously_

_how to deal the one last blow that will finally_

_annihilate the other one forever._

"Okay," Tegan didn't even give Sara the time to finish reading the last word before loudly exclaiming. "they know the relationship was about to be over. They expect a blow happening yet they just sat there staring into space and thinking maybe it could solve itself by itself." Her anxiety rose to the extremes and she didn't even realize she had begun yelling instead of calmly speaking. Perspiration coated her palms as they held her jeans tightly and collected on her forehead as her heart drummed faster.

"Calm down and explain." Sara softly said.

Tegan tried to breathe, her lover shot her assuring looks and it killed her, it really did. "So their love ended?"

"Yes." Another student jumped.

"What do you think?" Sara asked.

"Yes, their love expired." Tegan confirmed. "Yet they didn't know how to get rid of each other. They just wanted the other to figure it out."

"Love doesn't expire, maybe they had enough, maybe it was hard for them." Someone behind Tegan said and that's when Tegan rolled her eyes so hard and looked at them as if they had just stolen something so precious from her.

And that's when Tegan snapped. "Oh trust me, for some people love does expire. You know they have a short period, they love you and all then they're bored and they're like, ya go away, don't be here, I don't love you anymore."

"Well, that means they don't love you enough." The same person said.

"Yes they did. Some people love you so well and everything just vanishes when they're bored. Some people just can't hold onto love." Tegan rambled and Sara just nodded her head with half of her infamous smirk and half of a smile that Tegan couldn't replace the meaning behind. "It's like you know, you do everything, you give everything to these people. You love them, you be there for them, you sacrifice stuff for them, you put up with their issues, and you're so stupid because one day you wake up and you're pushed away. They don't want you there anymore. But you should have seen it, because no, it didn't happen one day all of a sudden, it happened so gradually and smoothly. Just like in the poem, it felt like centuries, you felt the hole that was growing bigger each day, you sensed the final blow, but like, you convinced yourself that things will either get better, time will solve them, or it will end when it'll end, and suddenly it ends and you don't know what's going on. What happened? Is it just over? Why is it such a cold ending for a relationship? Even the final blow seems so..." She took a breath. "emotionless."

"Is that what you think?" They were no more discussing the poem. They were now discussing themselves. Sara seemed pretty shocked with Tegan's words that her brows furrowed and her lips parted in confusion. "Is that what you really think?" She asked once again the way a hurt human did.

"Yes." Tegan confirmed with eyes never shifting anywhere, not looking at anyone.

"Well then," Sara raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips. Tegan noticed her ruddy complexion and her pupils moving to scan every human in class. "allow me to tell you that you are as you said, stupid." Sara just said it, just like that. In front of everyone. In front of her friend. In front of these people who were now softly snickering. She simply said that Tegan lacked intelligence, and if Tegan was angry at herself she's now a fireball ready to roll on the floor till she reached at Sara's feet and take her whole body on fire. And maybe they could burn together and end this misery her heart was feeling. "Class is dismissed." Sara then said and the first to leave was Tegan with her friend following.

Tegan escaped the door of the building she took her class at with tears staining her entire face, she really didn't want anybody to see her, she didn't want anybody to witness more exposure of emotions or humiliation. But her hand was tugged and she was forced to stop in her place by her friend. "What's wrong with you? Don't just stay there. Go fucking talk to her. You're gonna let her be a bitch and just insult you in front of everyone? Don't just stand there and cry, go fucking talk to her." Emy preached and Tegan cried. "First she does what she does and breaks up with you then calls you stupid?" Tegan saw her, Sara out of the door and standing there, looking at both of them, seeing her tear-stained face and only standing there. Before Tegan could process it, her lips were captured by a wet, really wet, and a surprising kiss from her friend. In front of Sara, in front of everyone, in front of students...in front of Sara. She pulled away with a gasp and her eyes quickly shifted to Sara's. "Idiot." Emy whispered. "Let her know that she's not breaking you and you can do better without her."

Sara, oh God, Sara's horror-stricken gaze. Oh God, Sara's features. Tegan had never seen a building collapsing right in front of her eyes, but she just saw it. When Sara's lips parted, when her eyes grew big, when the hidden tears swam on the careful edges of her lids, when her hand clutched the pen she was holding, when she blinked one time after another. She'd just seen a devastation of a woman, and she could be honoured now for causing a mountain to shatter, a wall to fall down, and a heart to break in pieces. She had done just that.

Sara walked away, walked as fast as she could, while Tegan remained there because she now knew why Sara called her stupid, why she's stupid, and going back to the start, she's just done another stupid act because she was angry at herself. "You shouldn't have done that." She sobbed in her place.

"Why the fuck? You think I'm just gonna let you stay here and be offended by her?"

"Because she didn't break up with me and I cheated on her." Tegan admitted, loudly, clearly, in daylight, underneath the shining sun.


	33. A Push, A Cry, and A Scream

**Chapter 33: A Push, a Cry, and a Scream. **

Tegan cried. She cried all her life. She remembered Sara telling her that the reason why humans cry is because life was hard from the first push out of a mother's warm and serene womb to greeting brutal daylight and strange cheering and laughter. Life is hard because it starts with a push and a scream, Sara told her that. And that's why we cry, because it's that push that was so hard and marred our souls and minds since the beginning. Whenever a pain occurs, the scar that push caused hurts us.

And therefore, Tegan cried since the beginning like every human being. Some people do not let the push scar them forever. They become hardened with more pushes and some are still soft as melting snow and any touch can scratch the marks that push carved on a human being. Tegan cried in her first months and her first year. But that did not stop, yes she didn't cry at night anymore for her mother to feed her or change for her. She learned the human phonetics, she could communicate when in need of something, but at times Tegan didn't know how to express all these locked up emotions, no language was able to vocalize that hollowed part inside, and therefore, Tegan cried.

Tegan cried when her tooth ached because the pain was unbearable. She cried when she got a bad grade because she didn't know where she went wrong. She cried when she saw her mother crying one day, her emotions got her and that feeling overwhelmed her. She was only eleven, she didn't know what that feeling was, but now she knew it. She didn't want to see someone she loved so hurt, so maybe with time she could learn what every cry meant, she thought. She cried out of menstrual pain because the first time was strange and her body wasn't used to all that pressure in her ovaries and womb, then she got used to it by time and now she found a reason for the tears, so they no longer fell. She thought maybe she was becoming a big girl, and big girls didn't cry, that's what she knew.

But God, life became a mystery. It became a white fog in front of her eyes and whenever she walked, she stumbled, she was pushed, she fell on her face, she stood up, looked away, cried, and harboured a scream. And that was life and life was full of her tears. She cried in her teenage years and she didn't know why, these were emotions she couldn't verbalize or phoneticize, she couldn't make them up in words and express them. It's like she was a toddler once again.

Then Tegan grew up, she tried to hide her tears and it was all well, but then Sara came and Sara cried too. And everything again had a reason. We cry because we're weak, we cry because we're pushed behind our limits every single hour of this day, we cry because we want to scream and we can't do that. Pain and torment know no language, they don't know any word, any expression. Poets strove so hard to romanticize pain, they tried to write it in each stanza. And authors wrote novels about pain, musicians sang songs of pain, but nobody can ever express the true feeling of pain but a tear rolling down an eye that is so tired of seeing what it sees everyday. The true eye, the real eye, the eye inside our hearts, the eye that's bleeding everyday as we are kicked where it hurts. Every person cries, every person is weak, some just have their eye shut and opened only at night like her lover, and some have that eye wide open and every pinch of dust gets stuck between the red lids and causes tears to fall and fall till it shuts itself out of exhaustion to take a rest.

Tegan cried, but she had never cried as much as she did while waiting in Sara's apartment for Sara to return. Forget pain, forget guilt, forget words, forget everything and focus on that one thing, loss, it's loss, it's the scream inside a broken chest. _Don't let me go_, she wanted to shatter her lungs screaming such words, but she had already done that, and that made her cry because she had never been so disappointed in herself as much.

She walked through the door into the broken home. It was a dirty place and it smelled of something that wasn't like her lover. It was a strange smell, she often did smell it in hospitals, or in her mother's clothes after she came back from work. Things were in place but everything seemed less alive than it was.

But Sara's room, that was where Tegan cried her heart, her chest, her pain, and her body out. She looked at the messy mattress. She saw her stuffed animal on the pillow she once slept on and saw the blotches of different shapes and sizes of blood all over the white sheet that Sara hadn't changed since she left the place. She didn't know what was Sara's plan, was she drawing a map of torture on the sheets? Making herself feel alive the more she bled? Or perhaps dead? Did she want the whole area to be covered with blood? And Tegan asked herself again, how was Sara able to walk and talk and lecture and smile and joke with her students? And she asked herself another question, was she crying because she felt sorry for Sara or herself? Or maybe she was crying because she felt stupid, or maybe guilty, or maybe because she hurt Sara, or felt hurt. This time there was no answer, and no words could say it, or meaning behind her tears, but she knew it's a pure push from the God that Sara loved, he wanted to avenge this and give Sara her lost right.

She decided to cry on the same dirty sheets, and she slept on Sara's blood and cried on Sara's pillow until she was met by a standing Sara as stiff as a tree of an ancient age, standing still through storms and years of cold and wild wind.

"I've been cheated on many times that I got so used to it, I knew it was going to happen, but..." Sara shook her head and curled her lips in a frown, Tegan cried. "I've never thought I'd see it in my own eyes, not this fast."

"You didn't even have faith in me from the start." The student didn't know how to kill her angry evil twin, God, that one was willing to break them.

"And I was right to do so." Then Sara was crying again, she was pushed, she wanted to scream. "Why?"

"I thought you didn't want to be with me anymore, you ignored me, you didn't answer me when I called you. I thought it was over, I thought it was your way to say goodbye, just gently, and then disappear."

"Emy came to me, to my office." Sara sobbed. "She told me what happened between you two. It was not just a kiss she caused. You slept with her."

"I did." Tegan admitted. "I am sorry."

"Sorry won't do anything, honey." Sara still gave her a pet name and that was confusion on a silver plate. "Maybe if I was in my full sanity and full power I would have forgiven because I'm too scared to be alone and I love you too much. But I've been always alone and I understand that it is my fate to be alone. You can go, Tegan." Sara calmly said. "Now it's over."

"Please, no. Please, please, I'm begging you." She bawled and begged, sitting up, tugging at Sara's dark trousers. "I love you so much that I can't function without you, please."

"You're doing just fine. When people love each other, they don't sleep with other humans." Sara paused. "But I admit it was my fault as well. It's always my fault, I always do it and then cry about it. I could say next time I won't do it but I know there won't be a next time, let me be alone, it's better that way."

"But Sara," She sniffled. "I swear I thought you left me. I wanted to stay by your side, I wanted to be there for you, I really wanted it and you just didn't even look into my eyes and..." She couldn't explain pain, she couldn't express it and spell it out.

"Because I didn't want you to see this." Then Sara yelled. "Look at it. Look what you're sitting on. I didn't want you to see this every single day. I die every night till I sleep. I die every minute. I feel it, I feel it coming while teaching, while walking, while sleeping. I didn't want you to see that." Sara shook her head with a chuckle. "And I really didn't want you to get in trouble because of me in college. I'm so tired, and you think everything is about you." Sara chuckled again. "Did you even think about me and what was I feeling and why I was acting that way? I didn't want you to see me weak. Did you think of that? I didn't want you to see me that way and you thought it's because I stopped loving you? You never had faith in my love."

"Just like you didn't have faith in me being faithful."

"And you're not faithful." A scream erupted out of Sara's lungs and that was the scream she kept locked inside. "But I still fucking love you and I don't even know why."

"You're embarrassed to love me." Tegan's demons tried to win a fight so unnecessary it only caused further pain.

"You don't know what love is because you just want to be loved you don't care about giving it. You're so selfish." Sara spoke daggers and Tegan cried. "Please just get out of my place, I'm begging you. It's over. I am your professor, you're my student, keep it that way." Her whispers were soft, however.

"But I love you." Tegan said. "I can't just leave you."

"You love yourself more than you love me." Sara turned around. "Get out of my place." She said again.

"No." Tegan shouted. "I love you."

"Love isn't a word you use without knowing the meaning it holds. Get out of my fucking place." She thought Sara was just asking her to go because that's what broken-hearted people did, but Sara was serious in every cry and in every word. Maybe she's actually selfish.

"Don't touch me, don't talk to me, don't even look at me, but please, just let me be with you. This month." Tegan begged through tears making her words tangled together. "Sara, I swear to God, I love you. I swear, I swear." When Sara turned around, her eyes were red, but Tegan's bloodshot ones were a sight the older woman flinched in seeing. "I am stupid. I don't know what goes inside my head. I never meant to hurt you. I love you. Please, please." The student's voice cracked and became too weak because of the loud sobs leaving her lungs.

Sara sat on the bed next to her and a sigh escaped her lips. She reached for the necklace around her neck and unclasped it. "I didn't know Emy got this for you. Here, take it." She took her student's hand forcefully and put the chain in it. "I didn't want it to end badly." Sara whispered. "I didn't even want it to end." She wiped her tears even though that wasn't really necessary since more fell and fell. "But it has to end. It's over. Please go." Tegan said nothing but cried and hiccuped and sniffled. She didn't move from her place, she didn't change her position, she only cried. "You're too young." Then Sara whispered again. "Too damn young, and I'm too damn old and tired. I can't lie and say I'm not angry at you or that I'm not sad because of what you did, because I told you to wait for a bit and give me time. Seems like you don't really know me much. But I won't be mad forever, I won't hold a grudge, I won't fail you or give you a bad grade, I'll just forget about it and move on."

And that was worse, forgetting about it? That meant she didn't matter that much to Sara, that meant Sara didn't care about her. Moving on? That meant Sara didn't love her as much as she said. "You should move on too. You have your whole life ahead. You will grow old, you will be loved again, and you will forget I ever existed one day." But that's not true, and Tegan shook her head to show how false that was, not even fighting for any tear to stay inside anymore. "Cry, it's fine. It will stop eventually. I'll give you time, but then you'll have to go." Sara reminded her and she thought if she cried forever she'd stay in this place, beside Sara, forever...and so she cried.

Sara sat there and looked straight ahead, she sat there and heard her tears, heard the irksome sounds and whiny wails. Tegan was right, her tears didn't pause because each time she'd think they'd stop, she would think of walking out of this door and walking out of this woman's life forever. She'd think of the fact that there was no hope in them being together again and no chance for redemption. Sara closed all doors on her and opened a small window to let her weep only. She thought of the fact she wouldn't wake up to Sara's morning kisses or Sara's warm skin beside her on the bed. She thought of the fact that Sara, the love of her life, with all her glory and all her love, was gone and it's because of her. Sara still loved her but wanted them to be apart. And that made her cry more. She couldn't stop until Sara stood up and looked at her.

"Learn how to be less selfish. Learn to love and think of others. Learn to think about all the reasons why people take some certain actions. Don't take things personally because not everything is about you or because of you. Learn to give love and not only receive it and you'll be just fine next time you find love." Sara advised with a sharp, well-structured tone. "Now you should go. Just because I let you stay here for a bit it doesn't mean I'm not mad at you. You have no idea how mad I am and how much I wanna hurt you in return, but I'm bigger than this, so don't make it harder for me and please, go." Sara swallowed after finishing.

This scared the younger woman. She stood up and walked to the door, slowly, and carefully.

"And watch out for your health so you won't regret it later." Sara said again. But Tegan didn't care for her health, she wanted to die because how could she be alive without Sara? She believed she couldn't. "In class, try to calm a bit down and speak softly. And don't glare at everyone." Sara opened the door for her. "And always smile." She gave her that one last advice and this one made the tears grow heavy again. Tegan looked at her with furrowed brows and saw her smiling gracefully. Tegan turned around and ran. She ran because she hated the way Sara was hot and cold with her and the way she knew where to get her. She knew wicked smirks and provoking advices always triggered her anger and made it rise, and Sara used that one line she always used to disturb her, and maybe Sara thought Tegan would laugh, but it only made her cry more._ Always smile_.

Of course what Tegan did was the opposite of smiling. In fact, from the amount of tears she shed, she felt her face sting and burn. These tears were too harsh on her sensitive skin. And when she woke up next morning, her horrific appearance troubled her swollen eyes. The bags underneath had grown darker, way too dark for a normal healthy woman her age. It's like she had two round purplish circles painted in that area hugging the swollen lids. And there were the prominent cheekbones and the angular jaw which all looked much sharper than ever. Chapped lips and dry skin completed the look.

Tegan returned to the room she shared with her mother and sat on the mattress. Then she stared straight ahead and began to isolate herself in the silence of her own built up darkness. She didn't think anymore. She just sat in that place and stared straight ahead. Sometimes she recalled some memories and these made her attempt to smile, but soon after, that smile would curl upside down and change into a frown. Then her lips would quiver and her eyes would sting and the frown would give birth to tiny droplets of tears. They'd grow and become sad sobs and loud cries. And that's all Tegan did for the two days. Nobody was able to talk to her, to say anything, to make her listen, and nobody really tried that much, not even her mother pushed too hard to get her to calm down. Life was already doing its job with pushing, Tegan just needed a little bit of time alone.

On Wednesday, Tegan skipped going to university. She knew if she stood up she'd fall from lack of nourishment and absence of will. She left the bedroom, however, and that was a good thing according to Sonia, who on her part offered a savoury breakfast meal to her daughter. This time, Tegan tried to eat, except that her attempts were all taken away from her when she ended up emptying the contents of her stomach.

"It's okay. It's okay." Sonia said as she gave a glass of water to her daughter. "Your stomach is just really upset right now. You should start with light things. My bad, I didn't think about it much." The older woman sighed before the doorbell rang and dragged her towards the door. "Oh, hey Emy." She said as she let Tegan's friend inside.

"Hey Sonia." Emy looked at what met her eyes and it was her tired friend hugged by a warm fluffy robe and seated on the sofa. "Hey, Tee." The brunette twisted her lips into a lopsided smile. Tegan didn't respond even when her friend sat next o her. "I..." Her friend stuttered. She looked once again at Tegan who finally gave her the attention she needed by looking at her with a blank expression. Emy bent down and unzipped her backpack, taking out of it a white sheet with a list of names and titles on it and handing it to her motionless friend. "She came and gave us the sheet then said there's no class on Friday and went away in a hurry."

Tegan took the sheet and skimmed it quickly till her eyes dropped on her name accompanied by her friend's name as a partner for the presentation, and next to their names was the heavy title of the damned poem Sara assigned for them and the date they were supposed to present it at. Tegan blinked and swallowed. At first, she thought she's reading the title of the poem wrong and it was just her mind doing tricks on her. Then she read it again, and then she read everyone's names with different titles of literary pieces from all around the world before focusing her eyes again on her assigned work.

This time she honestly didn't know whether she should cry, laugh in irony, or break down in defeat. She shook her head at her past lover, who promised she wouldn't play games anymore and told her that everything had come to an end. But Sara was right, she really didn't know that woman at all, she should have guessed it, or seen it. Games of the mind were just something that walked behind Sara like her shadow, she shouldn't be surprised. But not this poem, not this damned poem, because this poem brought the harshest memory of them all, with that poem she realized their love was dying and fading, and that poem reminded her of the love they made and how Sara asked her to remember that moment and how much she loved her at that moment, and she hadn't forgotten. Goddamn it, she hadn't forgotten, she never would. Why was Sara doing this? Was she reminding her? Why did she have to present it with her friend? The friend she slept with. Goddamn it, why was Sara doing this?

She hadn't noticed that the whirlwind of memories flashing before her eyes just made her tears fall down once again. "What's wrong?" Emy whispered and her mother looked at her with worry.

Tegan shook her head and forced herself to stop crying, but she really couldn't. "She changed the syllabus." Tegan said in a cracked voice.

"Ya? She said she changed all the syllabus." Emy explained.

"The poem we're presenting..."

Before Tegan was able to finish, her friend cut her off, "I know. _Two Bodies_. When I saw it, I had to Google it. Kind of a bitch move. I don't know. Especially that she paired us up. I'm really sorry." Emy smiled sympathetically.

Tegan shook her head with a sob escaping. "This poem...she..." She couldn't say it. "she recited it to me once." Tegan didn't want to reveal in what circumstances Sara had recited it, but it seemed that her mother and her friend already figured it out with their raised eyebrows and nods. "I can't present this in class, I'll break down."

"Talk to her." Sonia's voice came loud and demanding. "Talk to her. If she wants this to be a normal professor/student relationship then she should act like it. Mind games are fucking done. This is over." Sonia was angry, and it kind of frightened the two younger women who faced her. "She's acting like a fucking teenager. I don't care if she's sick. I don't care if you cheated because she was being a bitch about it all. She wanted it to be over then it's over. No need for childish drama. She should act her age. So talk to her like a student. Show her you too can be strong, don't fucking let her do that." Sonia didn't get it. She wasn't in love with her.

"I can talk to her." Emy volunteered.

"No." Sonia said once again. "You will do." She pointed at her daughter with a sharp gaze that Tegan couldn't say no to. "You're not weak. You go talk to her about it and if she doesn't change it you're dropping this stupid class. Enough is enough." Sonia's shouts went down as she walked away to the kitchen, only quiet irritated mumbles were heard as she disappeared.

And on Monday, after more tears, more thoughts, way more anxiety, much more sleepless nights, Tegan found herself in Sara's class, and the scrawny-looking woman matched her in appearance. Sara sat on her chair and remained quiet as her two students presented in class. Tegan sat in the front like she used to, except she didn't dare look at her professor, nor even bothered to raise her hand in order to share a point, or jump in angered enthusiasm to do so.

But after class, Tegan took a breath and did as her mother said. Tegan followed Sara outside. "Doctor, please wait." Sara did stop, but Tegan saw the hiss through gritted teeth and the roll of the eye. "The poem you assigned for Emy and I."

"What about it?" Sara narrowed her tired eyes as she folded her arms against her chest.

"I can't do it. I can't do this poem." Tegan whispered.

"Why not?" Sara didn't seem like someone who was playing mind games. She seemed like someone who was atrociously bothered by the ray of the sun and in a hurry to get going. Someone who was clueless and tired.

"You know exactly why not. For fuck's sake, stop doing that. You want a professor/student relationship then act like it." Tegan used her mother's words. " I'm tired. I can't do mind games. I'm sick and I'm tired. You pushed me away and broke up with me, stop playing mind games." Tegan didn't realize that she was yelling in a hushed tone until she witnessed the exclusive and very live display of tears shaking her professor's stiff figure by crawling down two thin cheeks.

"Fine. Change it. Choose _The Street_. It's by Octavio Paz as well. It has nothing to do with me." Sara turned around and walked away wiping her nose with the back of her hand. Actually, she almost ran. She walked too quickly and Tegan just couldn't say anything or do anything because fucking Sara cried in front of her after she shouted in her face. Was she the one acting as the victim or was it Sara? Maybe both of them were just really hurt, but what if Sara was the one hurt more than anybody else?

...

Tegan realized that life does move on, but it moves on rather slowly and it kind of crawls and doesn't pass by. Mornings were hot, nights were cold. In the morning she fought her beasts and her tears, and at night came the feeling of loss and the abusing sensation of a heart breathing through dead sinews. She admitted that if her mother wasn't there, she wouldn't have managed to live one single day in her misery, or face Sara three days a week and pretend like she's not running out of fuel of life.

"It feels like..." Tegan tossed and turned on the mattress to find a comfortable spot. "like I'm on life support. I don't know what that really feels, but I feel like I'm not really alive but at the same time I'm forced to be alive."

"Do you feel like you don't wanna live anymore?" Sonia's cautious tone interrupted her.

"I don't know." Tegan's eyes opened through darkness, but she saw nothing. "I feel like I'm numb but at the same time full of energy that's going to waste. I feel like time has stopped, and I feel like I can't focus." Tegan took a breath. "I feel like I'm not making sense. I feel like I lost my organs. I feel like I will cry forever and be tired forever, but I really don't want that to happen. Now I'm looking forward to open a new page, but it's not happening. My heart keeps beating too loudly. I can't even understand what's happening in my head. Is this normal?"

Sonia didn't answer at first, and Tegan thought her mother had slept. "It's normal for a depressed human being." Her mother whispered.

"Mom, I.." Tegan started crying. "I feel like I wanna jump and punch a wall and break it. I feel like my heart is gonna stop all of a sudden and my head is gonna burst. I can't take it. I keep on shaking. I keep on panicking. I keep on dreaming the same dream. I keep on seeing death as a person waiting to take her. I can't get over her. I can't take it anymore."

Sonia didn't answer. Sonia didn't say anything. "I keep seeing a street." Tegan said. "And a car, and I'm driving it without knowing how to drive."

"Isn't that the same dream you used to dream when you were a child?" Sonia asked.

"Yes. It stopped." Tegan paused. "But it came back. But in a different form." When her mother didn't say anything, Tegan continued, "Like I said, I'm driving this car but I can't drive, I can't reach the pedals or the gas or anything. The car is driving itself through this tunnel. It's so dark, but at the same time it's fucking bright with white lights. Then I pass by Sara standing at the end of the tunnel and in her hand the notebook, the one you read? Ya, so then she waves goodbye and I don't say anything. Then I get out of the car in the middle of a really dark street, it's so long and I keep walking and I'm lost. The woman who told me that my journey is done doesn't show anymore."

"Sara let you go not because you cheated, she let you go because she loves you." The mother said so softly that Tegan's heart fluttered hearing her words. "Sara...she trusts you." And that was something Tegan wouldn't believe no matter what. "She trusts you to be on your own in the insecurity of a street so wild and so dark. You don't know where to go, you don't know which way to choose but you'll get there. The street is opened, you'll get there and your journey isn't done."

"What about Sara's?" The daughter asked, intimidated, but excited.

"Sara's journey is done." And that's the answer she was afraid of hearing. It held many meanings, but she knew which one of them her mother meant. "You should get that notebook. I think you should get it. I think it means something. I don't know. Maybe she wants you to have it."

"She said she doesn't want anybody to read it as long as she's alive...oh." _No, no. That's not happening._ "Mom..."

"It's okay. That's just my interpretation. It might be false. Dreams are like poetry, you interpret them in different ways."

"What if it's true?" What would she do? Why did she feel at bitter ease? What's happening inside of her body? What's happening in her mind? She felt confused.

"You can't manipulate fate." Sonia said. "Try to sleep. Try not to dream."

_Try to sleep. Try not to dream._ Maybe she should stop dreaming now. Maybe her dreams of a lover like Sara broke her. Maybe her mother meant it more metaphorically and not literally. God, her head didn't make sense anymore and every word seemed like dozens of sentences were hid beneath its edges.

Tegan slept, but Tegan dreamt.

And when Tegan was supposed to present with her best friend, Sara didn't show up. Maybe it was on purpose, but Sara apologized politely and said she had to be absent. But then Tegan didn't believe it anymore when the professor didn't show up for the second time, and that time was the one before their last class. Sara didn't show up once again and Tegan was sure Sara intended to do that.

"I dropped the subject." Emy broke the news to Tegan and her mother that night. "I can't do this anymore. She doesn't want us to do the presentation and then lose the ten marks. I can't do it. I'm sure she'll fail me. Can't you see how bitchy she's been to me lately?"

"She's been bitchy to everyone." Tegan admitted. She didn't miss how her professor yelled at every student in class. The way she rolled her eyes, and how she left the class all of a sudden because a discussion was either too heated, or nobody was discussing with the presenters. She couldn't avoid the fact that she'd been rude to her friend and other students if they asked some questions. She couldn't avoid the anger in her glassy eyes, nor the way the water froze inside mirror-like irises.

"Not to you." No, not to her. Not at all. She even half smiled when she looked at her, and her eyes immediately shifted in shade and their fire right away shifted into thundering light, serene but intense, and she missed waking up to it in the morning, she missed kissing that nose, she missed pecking the velvety lips and holding that frail body. "I'm sorry." Emy said when Tegan's tears did their usual thing and lit up the room with their presence.

"I just miss her." She shook her head and wiped her tears. "Umm, it's fine. I don't know. I don't care about the mark anymore. I just wanna get it over with. Friday is the last class, then the final next week and ya. She's gone." She took a breath as she realized it. "She's gone." She looked at her mother's careworn gaze.

On Friday, their class was short. Sara said her goodbyes. Sara talked with a smile so distant. Sara lisped and stared at her two hands on the wooden table. "This semester, it's been a journey." Sara chuckled. "I wanted it to be more advanced, or take a different route, but I admit, I couldn't make it like that because I got so busy with life." And life meant Tegan because that's where Sara's eyes went when she said the word. "It's been..." Sara sighed. "a rough year for me. The hardest so far." She forced a smile.

"What classes are you giving next semester? I really wanna take more classes with you." Emma said, but Tegan didn't glare, didn't narrow her eyes, didn't even care, because she wouldn't take any class with Sara anymore for the sake of their sanity. But she would miss her, she would die knowing Sara was in the same building and she's not seeing her, but she had to fight it back, she had to take control of her life and her feelings. It's done.

Sara did not answer her student. She looked at her with her scanning sharp eyes, that look she gave while thinking, Tegan was so familar with it, it reminded her of the time at the restaurant when Sara went silent, looked at her and bit her lip, then she revealed her past illness. Sara had the same posture at the moment, and that same lower lip entrapped between crooked teeth. "I won't be giving classes anymore, I guess." Then Sara revealed the news Tegan didn't expect to hear.

"What? Why?" Another student said, and Tegan felt her eyebrows wrinkling.

Sara, she really seemed hesitant. She sighed and smiled and didn't want to speak, but she spoke, she changed her mind, she took a breath, looked at her students and Tegan in the seat facing her, and said, "I'll be honest, maybe it will relieve me. I have nothing to lose, I've lost it all." Tegan's heart began taking its stand, began its drumming and composed its beat and found its rhythm. "I am very ill." Sara smiled, Tegan begged her eyes not to cry. "I...I've been ill for a while. I..." Sara couldn't speak, she looked at Tegan's passing tears. "I knew about it, but I didn't want to go to the doctor and get examined. I've been told to go to the doctor and I refused out of fear. I admit, I deeply regret not doing that, because when I finally went I discovered that I'm a bit too late."

She didn't hear right. She's sure she hadn't heard well. She was crying but it felt like she was just stuck inside one of her dreams. This is another push. Fucking life. No this is a kick, this is a hit, this is not just a push, this is an attack so aggressive from life. Tegan cried and everybody in class stared at her. She didn't care anymore. She cried, she shook her head. Let them know, she didn't care. Sara looked at her with pained eyes, Sara didn't care.

But then, all around her, everyone around her began to cry and Sara stayed there quiet. Sara stared at her students pitying her, and Tegan was well aware that Sara hated nothing but being pitied. "So ya, I won't be teaching anymore. I mean," Sara chuckled. "maybe my body will be strong and it will fight, maybe I will be cured, if that happens I'll be back, but for now, that's the end, I'll have to take some time for myself." Low sobs and sniffling resonated in the quiet classroom. Sara stood up and looked at everyone with pursed lips. "Study well for the final, it's not gonna be easy." Sara tried to smile. It seemed like not only Tegan, but everybody else felt confounded with what had just happened.

The professor walked out of class, leaving her students sitting in utter astonishment, but Tegan was the one who hurried following her professor and her lover outside their faculty and under the roof of nature where the sky's lantern shone brightly. The student ran and blocked her professor's way, not allowing her to pass. "I have a class, Tegan. Please let me go." Tegan hated these words, God she hated them.

The younger woman panted and shook her head. "You're gonna die? Please tell me. Please let me be with you one more time." Through tears, she begged again.

"No, honey." Sara smiled. And Tegan didn't know what to focus on. The pet name or the fact she denied her death or maybe her request? "I'm going to Vancouver next week. We can't be together." Why was her lover smiling? Goddamn it, she wanted to kiss her and this made her cry even more.

"Let me be with you just this week." But Sara shook her head in protest. "Are you gonna die?" Tegan asked one more time.

"I don't know." Sara answered through a sincere smile which ended in a bitten lip and a battle to hold back tears raging to wander on her lonely lids, Tegan knew how they looked.

"I love you." Tegan whispered and Sara only nodded, she didn't say it back. Then Tegan understood it on her own and backed away, turning to walk away.

"Tegan?" Her professor stopped her and her hope rose once again, she turned around and knitted her eyebrows with a smile so weak it barely felt real, but it was. "Watch your health." Sara whispered back. Tegan nodded with eyebrows still furrowed and watched the woman walking away this time.

Tegan didn't watch her health, she actually added more to the load on her tired form and troubled mind. Finals were hard and filled with sweat and tears. She hadn't been sleeping nor eating and she's been crying, and sometimes even screaming because what would you do when the one you're in love with is dying? What would you do when they don't want you to be near them at all? What would you do when you feel as if a hand is squeezing your heart inside of your chest and releasing it only to mock you and laugh at you? What would you do when you remember all these memories and all these scenes invading your visions of nights so happy and mornings so merry with your lover? What would you do when you remember her sitting there with her coffee in hand and her lisp so present? What would you do when she jumps in the back of your mind, her libidinous actions and her ribald words caging your vision? What would you do when you recall words of love, of love so honest and so real, love you couldn't see and you still feel doubts in? What would you do because you miss her? You miss her so badly, God, you can't breathe. What do you do? What do you do but cry and wish for a miracle to happen, but miracles are only in fiction, and this is real life, it's not a work of fiction.

...

**May 6th, 2014**

"Three more days and we'll be back home." Sonia rubbed her daughter's hand, the smooth skin had now gone dry. "What do you want to do when we go back?" The mother smiled, waiting for her daughter to speak.

It was her last final today, it's Sara's final today. She's ready to go and take it. She's ready to see Sara for the last time ever. No she's not, but she could lie to her mind. After all, it's funny, it's strange, it's unbelievable, but she survived. Well, life moves on, so why wouldn't she survive?

"I want to go to the doctor. Do some blood tests. I want to be healthy again." That made her mother's teeth appear due to the huge smile she just offered. "I want to see a therapist. I want to be happy." Tegan attempted smiling as she saw how happy her mother seemed hearing that.

The older woman kissed the top of her daughter's head. "You'll be happy, I promise you. It takes time, but you'll be happy." Tegan nodded and stood up. "Good luck, honey." Sonia smiled as she watched her daughter walking out of the door.

Tegan mumbled a quick thanks and left.

Sara was not joking when she said that her exam would be hard, and with Tegan not studying the way she's supposed to, it was extra difficult. The student sighed and gave up. She couldn't do it, she felt too dizzy, she felt too tired. She answered the first two questions and left the other two, burying her face in her palms.

She almost fell asleep in that position before having her hands taken by force away from her face. "Shhh." Tegan opened her eyes and watched Sara staring at the students behind her. "Your eyes on the paper." Tegan's wrist was held by her lover's warm hand and Tegan wished she'd feel that touch forever but she knew better than to wish for time to stop. "I can fucking hear you whispering." Sara scolded, cursing in front of her students in class. She bent down and looked at Tegan with narrowed eyes. "Are you okay?" Tegan shook her head. "What do you feel?"

"Really tired." The student whispered. "I wanna go home." She was shaking.

"Alright." Sara nodded, already taking a hold of her paper. "Will you be able to make it safe?" Tegan nodded, she just really wanted to be out of this class and be away, she couldn't take it anymore. "Okay." Her professor sighed. "You still have the ten marks for your presentation." She reminded her. "Emy dropped the course right?"

"Yes." Tegan answered.

"Okay, how about you come to my office at 12:00 PM tomorrow and present the poem? It's my fault you didn't do the presentation, I know, but can you try?" Presenting a poem at that office they once fought at and another time made love at? Being alone with Sara? One last time? Yes, yes that's what she wanted, one last time. To be alone with her lover one last time. She agreed, she agreed quicker than the soaring wind slapping cold cheeks in a windy day.

**...**

"I just think you should be careful." Sonia's hesitant voice took Tegan away from her concentration on the poem she was preparing to present. "Maybe that's a trap."

Something that's similar to a chuckle left out Tegan's tired lungs, it was breathy, it was raspy. "A trap of what? This isn't some film, mom." Tegan looked at her laptop and then focused back on her mother. "I need to say my final goodbye to her. I need to be alone with her, just this last time. I need a closure." You can call it hope, but Tegan would deny. Hope that Sara might forgive her, hope that things would magically take a sudden shift to a better ending, or a new beginning. Even though the student was much too realistic to hope for that, but in every human's mind there is this corner reserved for _what if_ and _imagine if_. It is filled with colourful images from La La Land, from the parallel universe. Every human has that corner unlit but they can still feel its darkness vibrating with strength repressed behind rational thoughts. Tegan hoped on the lower surface, inside that corner, away from hoping.

"You deserve a proper farewell." Sonia whispered, and Tegan agreed with her silence.

**...**

**May 7th, 2014**

Even though she felt much better, way better than the day before, while walking to Sara's office, Tegan almost crumbled in defeat. Not because she was nervous, no, she's not anymore, she walked this road many times that her nervous stomach didn't get affected by the apprehension her mind processed. She was tired, fatigued, her body couldn't bear long walks due to lack of nutrients. Heat stood in her way and shortened her breath. When she reached, she found Sara's door ajar and Sara sitting in her office, contemplating weary thoughts as her expression suggested.

Tegan panted, trying to form a sentence and failing to gather her breath. "I thought you weren't coming."

"I'm sorry." Tegan managed to say.

"It's fine...are you alright?" Sara wrinkled her brows, taking a look at Tegan's thin structure.

The student shook her head. "I'm gonna faint." She admitted.

"Oh, come sit." The professor directed her to the sofa, which was exactly in the same place and manner it had been when they made love on it. Tegan wondered how many students had sat there after she lay there and fucked Sara on that piece of furniture.

Tegan was about to close the door when her professor interrupted her. "No, keep it open." Sara's eyes shifted in apparent worry towards the door, and Tegan looked at the wooden material, she left it only slightly opened. When she finally sat on the sofa, she understood why Sara asked for the door not to be closed, it made her form an ironic chuckle while shaking her head. "I know." Sara whispered. "I hate it too. I hate this situation too and I wish I could just change it." The student lifted her head and nodded with pursed lips. Was she becoming like her lover? "Uh..." Sara stuttered with cheeks and ears ruby red. God, Tegan missed that. "Just relax, take some time and start. I just want you to analyze the poem and I'll give you the ten marks, alright?" A little bit unfair, since all her classmates had to do way more than that, but it seemed that her lover was once again selecting her from the rest and helping her with her academic career based on personal preference.

Tegan looked at how Sara messed up with her office once again. Shifting it to face the sofa like it had been one time. She looked at the wall beside her to check on the Tulips on the wall, and it made her smile seeing that they were already done, coloured and red, shinning like a love never ending, like a love blossoming through memory and time. "They forced me to get the furniture back the way it was before. Even though I know nobody is going to take this office after me. At least not in these few years, till they make sure I'm completely gone." And Tegan didn't really understand what that meant. "They promised they'll never paint over the tulips, only around them and colour them again if the colour faded in time. I want you to make sure they don't do that the first month I'm out. When you return, I want you to ask the secretary to open the door for you so you can make sure they didn't ruin my flowers. If they did, become a professor here, take this office and paint them once again." Sara giggled and Tegan did in return, it felt great to have this light talk with Sara once again. "I'm serious." Sara rolled her eyes jokingly. "I'll make sure the secretary allows you in, alright?"

"Will there be any way I can contact you?" Tegan asked, and it was time for Sara to purse her lips and look at the younger woman.

"I don't think that's a great idea. I don't want you to see me nor hear me in my worst. If I'm ever okay again, I'll make myself present inside your world once again, maybe." Tegan nodded, holding onto that tiny hope, that tiny thread. "Are you ready?" She nodded once again. "Good. Don't get nervous, just tell me what you understood from this poem, what does it mean to you? Just...talk." Sara smiled.

The younger student inhaled then exhaled and looked at the lines between her hands. She revised what she had gotten out of internet search, but something felt different, something felt eerie. The lines, they did not seem as they used to be. They seemed familiar, not because she had studied them and prepared them, no, because they were the dream she had been dreaming since she was five. Because they were a representation of her reality, or any human's reality.

Tegan looked up at her lover and sighed.

_"Here is a long and silent street._

_I walk in blackness and I stumble and fall_

_and rise, and I walk blind, my feet_

_trampling the silent stones and the dry leaves._

_Someone behind me also tramples, stones, leaves:_

_if I slow down, he slows;_

_if I run, he runs I turn : nobody._

_Everything dark and doorless,_

_only my steps aware of me,_

_I turning and turning among these corners_

_which lead forever to the street_

_where nobody waits for, nobody follows me,_

_where I pursue a man who stumbles_

_and rises and says when he sees me : nobody."_

"We are alone in this world." Tegan began. "We are born alone, we walk this journey alone, then we die all alone."

"We're on our own." Sara smiled, remembering when she told the exact same words to her student a long time ago.

Tegan continued, "Life is like a street. It's not safe, it's not like a house. It doesn't shelter you, it doesn't protect you. You walk, you stumble, you fall, then you get up and go on. Life is a bitch." Sara nodded with a giggle. "It fucks you up so hard, but you're not the only one fucked in it. Everyone is like you. You think they're in a good place just because they don't talk about it, just because they don't show it, just because they don't complain, but they could be dealing with more hardships than you." Tegan remembered words that Sara had told her. Different words from different times. "The thing is we are so dependent, or at least some of us."

"Do you feel like you relate to it?" Sara interrupted.

"Yes." Tegan answered. "I'm only human. I'm dependent. I want someone to help me and guide me. I want someone like a shadow to look after me. I think that I can't go on, I do that. I think that life stops right here where things aren't the same anymore, but..."

"But?" Sara asked.

"But I am on my own now." Tegan used the same phrase from that book she and Sara once discussed. "All of us are on our own. Nobody can help anybody, but everyone can help themselves, and if they didn't then they'll be dead." Sara nodded. "Nobody is going to help me, nobody is going to fix my mistakes, nobody is going to wait for me. I'm alone in a street, in a dark street in the name of life. It's scary, it really is. I don't know how you did it, but you did it, and I'll do it."

"That's right." Sara's smile never left her glistening lovely face. Tegan couldn't take it anymore, she wanted to touch that face one more time. "You'll do it. It will be hard, you'll hate it everyday but you'll live, you'll do it."

"Can I kiss you one last time?" That out of the blue request took the professor aback. It made her body freeze, her eyes darken, and her whole form become stiff and rigid.

"You did a good job with the poem." Sara didn't answer her, and that was disappointment in its finest shape. "Now you can go." Then Sara dismissed her.

Tegan looked at the door, then it hit her they were at an office with a door opened and anybody could be passing by, perhaps that's the reason Sara rejected her. "Goodbye." Tegan stood up and walked towards the door, waiting to hear the possibly final goodbye ever. But Sara only looked at her without answering. "I'll miss you." The student whispered, and the professor only half smiled, without answering.

Then Tegan left. And she walked, and walked, and cried in the light of the day as every memory of Sara followed her behind. Was that it? Was that the goodbye she sought for? Why was it so unsatisfying? Some things in life are like that, but couldn't it be like in the movies? They'd kiss one last time? They'd hug one last time and then they'd cry through their farewell and that's how the scenario would end. Why wasn't it like that? Why was her lover so icy and so cold?

**...**

**May 8th, 2014**

Tegan insisted, she insisted through bitter tears that a goodbye and a last kiss must happen. She begged her mother all day, all night, all morning before their flight that she needed to be in the warmth of that woman's embrace once again. Even though Sonia refused, she couldn't help but finally yield to her daughter's needy demands of affection.

Before they went to the airport, Tegan decided she'd go to the lonely apartment and say her much needed farewell one more time. She had nothing to lose, she knew that. She left her mother in the cab and hurried to Sara's door, heart beating like a drum and breath short and heavy. She knocked, and knocked, and it really did feel like a last scene from a film she once had seen.

The the door opened, Tegan's heart dropped, and Sara was not the one standing at the door. It was the tall woman, the best friend. Tired, thin, much like her, much like Sara. Hair in a greasy bun and darkness beneath swollen lids. "Stacy?"

"What do you want?" Tegan jumped when she heard the angry question and saw the fire in the blue spheres.

"I want to say goodbye to Sara." Her voice came desperate.

"Go away." The older woman said through gritted teeth. "Go the fuck away. She tries to be civil and nice to you, stop making it so hard for her. Stop."

She didn't know if Stacy's words hurt or she was just too desperate for her selfish goodbye. "Please, Stacy. Just one more time. I won't do anything." Tegan's tears started falling.

"You don't get it, do you?" Stacy shook her head. "She's sick, she's tired, the last thing she needs is to see someone who gave up on her and forced her to face them three days a week while she's dying every moment she looked into their eyes. Give her a break. Go away." Was that how her lover felt?

"I didn't mean to hurt her." Through sobs, Tegan said.

"Tegub." A voice so cheery and so young appeared all of a sudden. The owner of the voice tugged at Tegan's jeans the way she used to do. "Tegub." That innocent smile made Tegan smile through her tears.

"Ella." Tegan knelt down. "How are you?"

"Ella, go back inside." The mother shouted.

"Sasa wants you." Ella tugged more, attempting to make Tegan move inside, but the taller woman was blocking the way with not only her body but her two furious eyes.

"I said go back." This time the shout was so angry and so loud that it scared the child and made her cry, leaving the two women and going inside. "And you, go away and leave her alone. She doesn't want to see you. She doesn't want to be around you."

And that's how the door was slammed in Tegan's face. And that's how their story ended. And that's how Tegan didn't see Sara anymore.


	34. I Take A Breath

**Chapter 34: I Take A Breath. **

**May 3rd, 2043**

I didn't know telling a tale so ancient was going to make me in need for any sort of liquid to wet my aching, dry tongue. After finishing venting about my past to the poor stranger in the park, I gulped down a great amount of water to prepare my beating heart for what's coming next. I didn't think I'd be so nervous, so anxious, so full of past apprehension. What topics would be brought? Will I cry? Will I runaway? I asked myself these questions when I couldn't close an eye in the plane. But being here, in Vancouver, the land I've visited many times but never bothered to visit the most important person immortalized in its soil, it all gave me a whole other feeling. I didn't visit her not because I didn't want to, I wanted to, I really did, but I knew I wasn't ready to do that. I wasn't ready to open up past wounds I thought I locked by pretending they didn't exist. That was my mother's advice after my road started to glow once again. But my mother was wrong, she was totally incorrect. Closing a door on a screaming child won't make them stop wailing and screaming, you have to comfort them, to speak to them, to talk to them, make peace with them, forgive them, smile at them, live with the mistake they've done. It's just a little mistake, a child only makes small mistakes, so why lock them up? Why leave them crying and screaming as a punishment? Just put up with their errors, show them how it's done right. And that's what I should have done with my past. But it's too late for _what ifs_ and _I wish I did_, now I'm in peace with myself, with my past, with my reality, and my fate. I can see better, I can see clearly, I forgive myself, I forgive everyone that had to do with that past, and I do hope they forgive me, I do hope Sara did really forgave me. I can't know that for sure, but it won't hurt to ask, I presume.

When I received the text message I've been waiting for, I hurried to the flowers shop to get the red tulips I ordered before coming down here. She deserves her favourite flowers at last. Looking at them, they're so full of love, full of life, full of energy, full of everything beautiful, full of Sara, and their scent is like heaven has surrounded me, no wonder she adored them so much.

When I reached my destination, I walked slowly, I took steady and slow steps and tried to control my breathing. The thing is, I know that in this moment nothing will change, and I know she's been waiting here since ever, and I also know that I'm the one who actually pushed her away and not vice versa. But God, my heart is swollen with memories, memories so good, so beautiful that I can already feel my tears rushing back like a lion uncaged after a century of imprisonment. I feel like a teenager climbing those stairs once again, walking that hallway once again, with heart racing, stomach troubled, and with hands shaking I clasp the handle of her door once again, I enter and she smiles at me. I hold that feeling once again, good God, it feels wonderful all over again.

I close my eyes and smell the breeze, it's freedom from chains I've chained myself in. I breathe in the scene, I breathe in the green grass, the flowers placed in different areas. It's freedom, I smell freedom, I smell love, I smell tears, I smell tenderness, I smell loss.

And then I see it, I see loss, I see her. Like every tortured soul, she lies in peace in her place and I read the words that shield her home,

_'Because I could not stop for Death –_

_He kindly stopped for me –_

_The Carriage held but just Ourselves –_

_And Immortality.'_

She always loved Emily Dickinson. I always wondered what would the words of her epitaph be. Whenever I saw a poem she once recited, she once referenced, she once said and loved, I assumed it was the one inscribed on that dry piece of stone. I never thought it would be this one though, but this one, this one is so accurate, it is so Sara. Sara could not stop for death, she battled with it, she made it her enemy, then her friend, then they made peace, and signed a contract and he stopped at her door on a sunny day like this, and she rode its carriage and they flew away together.

Sara went away with death as her immortal mate.

_Sara Keirsten Clement_

_1980 _ 2015_

Simply engraved on her tombstone, and the memory of the day I heard the news struck me like a lightening from her eyes. It was a text message, just like the one I just received. A text message I never thought I'd receive, not from this person, not from her at all. It was rather simple, It was too simple to digest, It was clear, it was short.

On the third of May, in 2015, I woke up in the morning and I found that text, it simply said, "Two hours ago, Sara Clement lost her battle with cancer. It was a tough one, but her weak body gave up on her persistence. She asked me to deliver this message. She said take care of yourself." And the name Stacy Reader was already blinded with my tears when I read the message one time after another.

I don't want to remember more, I don't want to relive that day. I'm not closing the door, but I'm letting it go. What's important now is that Sara is in a place better than earth. Sara is the angel I've always wanted to draw. She deserves these tulips she told me to always paint on her office's walls, and I've always done that and always will.

I put the flowers and I touche the tombstone, I close my eyes and I take a breath once again. I close my eyes and I can feel her vibrant halo encircling me, taking me in, wrapping its edges around me and enclosing us together. "I've always loved you. I still love you. And I will always love you." I whispered even though I know she couldn't hear me. But I still do hope some aspects are like the directed movies, the dead can hear you, they're watching over you, they're smiling down at you. I try to imagine that it is like this in order to rejoice in my serenity of mind, in order to feel her presence all around me, and the more I think about it, the more physical her touches become.

I've never thought meditating in a graveyard could be so tranquil, could be so peaceful, and goddamn, it's so lovely and full of life. I controlled my breathing, I enjoyed the quiet air, and I smiled as my hair swayed from side to side.

When I opened my eyes I saw her standing there, tall, beautiful, hair blonde or silver, I'm not sure, but her face is scarred with age. The wrinkles made a map, and when she approached me, her back was slightly bent, and her eyes not as blue nor as lively as they were when I first saw her or in my wedding's day or at any event we were forced to meet at, due to her being a forced acquaintance of mine after Adam and I were married.

To be quite honest, I am still in shock that Stacy, after all these years, begged me to meet her at this place. In secrecy, she told me she wanted to discuss matters we hadn't discussed, matters that should have been discussed a very long time ago. Those were her words. And by giving me the location she wanted us to meet at, I knew immediately they were matters about Sara.

I was reluctant at first. "It's time you give her a visit. A decent one, don't you think?" Stacy said over the telephone. That was only a month ago, but I couldn't do that last month because of my job.

"Why are you telling me this now? Nobody knows about it. I don't want anybody to know about it." Stacy and I never really talked much as the years forced us in the same circle of family and friends. Adam is Audrey's brother and Stacy is her friend, a long time family friend. So we managed to fake a first time introduction, we managed to fake smiles, and we managed to do it so well that nobody had ever suspected a thing. And gladly enough, Ella didn't remember who I was.

"Nobody will know about it." Stacy said at first. "Tegan, there's a lot you need to know. A lot I should have said a long time ago but I was too selfish and too angry to tell you about." I think when she said that, I rudely chuckled. "Go ahead, laugh." I think I heard her chuckle too. "Fate now gives us a stronger bond, don't you think we should just let go of the past?"

"We've already done that?"

"But I haven't. I have a message I need to deliver. I'm old, I could die at any second. I don't want to face her without delivering the message I had to deliver." Stacy paused and I fell inside my own confusion. "And I bet she's angry you've never visited her. Don't you think it's time?" I know Stacy said that because she was well-informed about the _scandal_, as the Clement family referred to it. The scandal that not only one of my daughters is a lesbian, but also myself coming out as one as well as destroying my own marriage. I think Stacy, her daughter, and my daughters are the only ones happy about that, and I think that was the reason Stacy contacted me.

With more conversation, more persuasion, more arrangements, Stacy convinced me to come to Vancouver, stop being selfish, and give my old lover a visit. She opened up all past wounds that I thought I could suppress just a little bit longer.

"You bought her tulips." Stacy stated when she finally faced me. Her slim figure is still attractive since the last time I've seen her. I think it was over ten years ago. After that, I never visited Vancouver when Adam and the girls did. Our problems became too complicated to solve, and I don't think his family really wanted to see me, anyway.

"I've never bought her tulips. Always white roses. I don't think she liked them." I said and looked at her tombstone as if she's listening.

"Oh, she did. She told me she did." Stacy looked at the inanimate death sign again. "She loved everything about you. She was so in love with you till her dying day, Tegan." Facts. Facts I've never known, and never thought I'd hear them on Stacy's tongue. The same woman who didn't let me see her thirty years ago. The same woman who took me by the hand when I was newly wed and scolded me about marrying a man. The same woman who always eyed me dirtily as if she was Sara's own messenger.

"Why didn't you let me say goodbye to her, Stacy?" I opened up past wounds as well.

"It's a long story. I have to tell you about everything. But not here." Stacy looked around her. "Let's go to a cafe'." Stacy suggested, and even though I had my share of caffeine this morning, I think I need some more.

And so we went to a small place full of people half our ages. I think they're college students, laptops, books, small conversations and coffees dangling between stiff grips, they're definitely college students. I sat down and looked all around me. Two women were talking while pointing at something I couldn't see on a laptop's screen. And in another corner, a group of four friends were discussing something in their books. "Does it give you memories?" Stacy cut me off by reminding me that I'm not alone. I've been getting so distracted lately, I think it's a sign of aging.

"Not really." I admitted. "It makes me envy the youth they own. They're beautiful." I whispered and Stacy's still so raspy of an octave made me cringe with exaggerated laughter.

"Are you serious?" I don't know what was funny to her, but I didn't care anyway. "Look at you. You look the same since you were twenty seven, as you were on your wedding day." I furrowed my brows at her absurdity. "You look so young, when I saw you from a distance I thought it was Rose."

"Don't be silly." I rolled my eyes. Stacy always had her way with exaggeration and flattery. "Rose is beautiful. She and Scarlet look like their dad, not me." And I'm pretty sure Stacy knows that since she sees Rose more than I do.

"She's been looking a lot like you lately. I don't know about Scarlet, but Rose looks like you."

"Ya?" I shook my head with a little laugh and sipped the hot liquid that I wish I waited for just a bit more before burning my tongue.

"You look good. Your body, your face, you look beautiful." Stacy's serene smile made me raise an eyebrow with confusion.

"If I didn't know better I'd say you're hitting on me." Stacy laughed once again. "You look tired, though." I admitted, not sure whether she'll hate me for it or not.

"Being a single mother for about thirty years does that to you." Stacy sighed. "Plus, I'm fourteen years older than you, remember? Wait till menopause comes and takes all that beauty away from you." I've been hearing that a lot lately. From cousins, from my mother, from friends. I don't really care, it's the law of life.

"How come you've never been with anybody after Tony?" All I knew is that Tony and Stacy have been divorced since Sara and I were taken away from each other by fate.

Stacy didn't answer me, she took a sip from her coffee and wrinkled her nose. She reached for the sugar and added some, then she stirred it so slowly as if she's thinking of something either grave or mundane. "I had already filed for divorce when I came to Sara's in 2014." Stacy tasted her coffee once again. I think she's now satisfied with the taste.

"Sara knew?" I asked, remembering how Sara told me that Stacy was thinking of divorce and not filing for it.

"She didn't. I told her I'm thinking about it." Stacy chuckled to herself. "I didn't want her to think I was ruining her relationship. She always thought I ruined her relationships." And I don't blame her, and I can see why. "The thing is, just like everybody, I loved her. I think I loved her way too much that I hurt her without being aware of it." I nodded.

I think Stacy is getting into her story, and God, I'm already too tired, too sleepy, I don't want to hear a story I've lived once. "So you didn't date anybody because you loved Sara?"

"No, that's not it." Stacy paused. "This is not about me. It's about her. I wanna talk about her. I wanna tell you things you didn't know about." I sipped my coffee and Stacy did as well. "I remember the first time she called me telling me that having sex was strange and sometimes it hurt her. I remember being shocked and surprised that she's having sex with someone. She told me about you, and I remember yelling at her. I didn't know it hurt her that much, I really didn't know it. I thought I was doing her a favour, I only suffocated her and took control of her life." Seeing Stacy admit that is both, a relief and a shock. People can actually change? I didn't know that, I thought that happened only in the books. "I told her to go to the doctor, she never did. I knew she wouldn't do it because the day she was cancer free she told me, _'I'm never, ever visiting a gynecologist ever again.'_ She looked at me with her twinkling eyes and then giggled."

Stacy and I both giggled. "I can see her saying that. Even hear her in fact."

"I loved her giggles." Stacy said and I can't help but agree with a smile. "I visited her because I needed a getaway, I wanted to meet you, and I had to make sure she sees a doctor." I remember Stacy quarreling with her in the car about that topic. "She never did." I know that. "One time I got a call after midnight. She was crying hysterically, she was sobbing. I didn't get what she was saying. _'You were right, you were right.'_ She kept saying. _'She cheated on me. I pushed her away, I'm so stupid.'_"

I think I just got struck with that same old feeling. I think it's hitting me once again. "When was that?" I asked.

"It was in April, the beginning, as I can recall." I think it was after I went to her apartment to apologize. I think it was that same day. "We talked till the morning, with me trying to calm her down and her mumbling things I couldn't hear well." I'm not sure how to feel about hearing all that. Living your whole life thinking you're the victim is one thing, and hearing your lover's side of the story is another, because you know too well that it's going to change many things but also nothing at the same time. "She told me she's sick. She asked me to go to her."

"Why would I believe you?" I asked, a bit defensive.

"Why would I lie?" Stacy knitted her brows. "To make myself look good? Oh no, I'm not like that. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not like that." I think I got her angry. I think I made a mistake.

"I'm sorry." I apologized. She nodded.

"When I entered her apartment, I..." Stacy lost the words. "It's like I entered my own apartment." She snickered, I didn't. "It wasn't Sara. I was horrified." I don't think Stacy is able to talk anymore, she seems choked, she seems lost. "She cried a lot. Whenever she returned from university she cried. We went together to the doctor. She discovered that the cancer had spread. It was also going up to her kidneys." These are information I've never heard of. I wanted to know about along time ago till I forgot about them, but now they're all in front of me. Just like that. "The doctors said that it can actually be dealt with. It can be treated and all, but she didn't believe that. I don't blame her. Waking up each morning surrounded with blood isn't something promising. Not being able to use the bathroom alone is not something that gives you hope."

"But at university, she looked..."

"She looked fine. I know." Stacy smiled. "We woke up every morning. I helped her shower, cleaned everything, she took the temporary medicine the doctors prescribed till her scheduled chemotherapy, and she was fine for a little bit." I've always known this, but God, isn't it just strange seeing someone and judging them by their looks? By their actions? I've always done that to her. I don't know why, but I had done that to her. "But then she returned and...she collapsed. I wouldn't know about the pain she was in, but at times she used to wake up in the middle of the night and scream about how much it hurt. Sometimes she wasn't able to go to university." I remember the times she was absent, they were a lot.

"Out of jealousy and curiosity, how come you're the only one who she wanted to be around? How come you're the only one who helped her? What about her family?"

Stacy looked at me after wiping her mouth with a napkin, then smiled. The lines on each corner of her lips increased when she did. I still don't have these lines, I barely have any. Stacy barely had any when she was in her late forties and early fifties, I wonder if age all of a sudden would haunt me like her. "Because I'm the only one Sara was sure loved her but she didn't love back. That made her feel good. Every human wants to be loved, I don't blame her."

"You loved her that way?" I didn't make sense but I knew the older woman understood me.

"I've always loved her that way." Stacy confessed. "She never loved me back. She always complained that nobody loved her, not really seeing how everybody did, how much I did." I think it's the terrible time to do so but I need a good laugh. How come I've never seen it? Stacy is like my friends who loved me and I was Sara who didn't trust in anybody's love. "You know that day? When you came wanting to see her?"

"Yes?"

"In the morning when she woke up she wasn't feeling well at all. She felt worse than each morning. I told her not to go, but she insisted, she said she promised you." I listened with apprehension and with anxiety. "I drove her and waited for her. When she got inside the car she started crying. I remember it..." Stacy's eyes sparkled all of a sudden. "I remember how much she cried. She said it hurt her even more seeing you. She said she wanted to kiss you." I'm too old to cry about that. I won't cry about it, but my heart is definitely weeping. "I remember it all. When we returned home she kept beating herself up, asking why did this happen to her, why couldn't she be happy. _'I just wanted a simple life. A house, a partner, and a child. I just wanted a family, why can't I have even the simplest things, Stacy? Why?_' She punched the mattress and cried. I tried to calm her down, but I didn't know what to say. What do you tell someone dying, anyway?"

"God." I whispered because I honestly didn't know what to say.

"The next morning we woke up, Sara was even worse. I took her to the bathroom and went out for a second to take Ella out of the room. When I returned, I found Sara on the floor. She said she couldn't get up because everything hurt. I was angry, at you, at her, at everyone. And I became more angry when she kept repeating that you cheated."

"She didn't forgive me for that, did she?" I knew Sara doesn't forgive easily. I knew she didn't forgive.

"You'll discover that on your own." I didn't understand that, and Stacy continued, "She was drowning in her memories with you and I didn't get why she loved you so much. I didn't get how her heart selected you out of everyone and in two months she built dreams with you. I couldn't understand, and I still don't understand it. But back then it made me hateful, angry, bitter. Now it makes me feel stupid, it makes me miss her."

"And that's why you didn't let me in? You were jealous?" I asked, my voice rising just a tad.

"I knew if I let you in she would have gotten worse. She couldn't move out of the bed, and even though she sent Ella to call you in, I knew it wasn't a good idea."

"That's not for you to decide. It's for her to do so." I don't know why I was arguing about something that's been dead and gone, but I feel my rage awakening.

"I know." Stacy bit one thin lip and released it. "People make mistakes. I wanna fix mine."

"How?" I asked. What's done is done.

She reached for her purse, unzipped it, and from inside she pulled out something so familiar, yet so old that it took me a few seconds to realize that what's in her hands was the notebook Sara always walked with. "Sara and I lived in my place in here for about a year. I've always watched her write in it, but just like you, I never knew what's inside." But I know what's inside. My mother told me what's inside. "Chemotherapy was rough and it worked."

"It worked?" I asked with confusion.

"It did." Stacy looked at the white and black pattern. "It took a long time and it did." I felt more confused. "The night before her death, Sara wasn't happy." Stacy looked all around her. I'm not sure if she was about to cry or not. "She was writing on my bed, she was tired. She didn't talk much. Then we went to sleep and she took my hand, she said, _'I wanna tell you a secret.'_ I listened and she continued, _'It didn't work, I'm gonna die soon.'_ But I knew too well that it worked, the doctors said it worked. _'The doctors know nothing, I know my body, and I know it gave up.'_ She kept saying." I didn't want to look at Stacy, so I looked at the youth troubled by equations they couldn't solve. "We talked till dawn, till she closed her eyes and didn't open them again." Then I looked at Stacy. "She told me to tell you not to wait. She knew you were waiting for her." Even though I was, I still was in a relationship with both of my friends, so I couldn't call that waiting, Sara thought wrong. "She didn't say anything about the notebook, but I read it, all of it, and not one page wasn't revolved around you somehow." I looked at the notebook, I looked at it still on the table on Stacy's side. "I know I should have given it to you a long time ago, but I kept asking myself, what kind of magic you performed on her that it made her love you more than she loved anybody else? Why you out of all people?"

"I don't know." I rushed to say. I am as astonished as the old lady. I am as confounded and as thrilled as she is.

"Take it, maybe now you'll know." She pushed it on the table till it was on my side. "I say you should read it when your head is clear. When you feel peaceful, not right now, not right away." She advised and I looked at the object again.

Stacy and I didn't say more. We sat in our chairs for minutes, which felt like uncomfortable hours. I tried to study her even more closely. The black fabric that covered her torso wasn't tight, but it revealed the wrinkles on her breasts squeezed together in a sight not so attractive, but at the same time elegant and eye-catching. Descending, a soft pouch covered her belly, it's smaller than the one I have since giving birth, but I think mine is more well-proportioned due to the width of my hips and the bulkiness of my breasts, these balanced it all out for me. I couldn't view more of her because she's sitting, but then I looked at her face and our eyes met. I looked into her eyes and I subtly smirked that my lot had gotten me so close to the woman I never thought I'd encounter again after she kicked me out of my lover's home.

"How's your job?" Stacy opened up another conversation, one about the family and the kids, one two old women stuck together are forced to talk about.

"Great." I admitted. I loved my job because I loved the place of it. "They're going to move me to a new office, all by myself." I think I am too cheerful for such a conversation but I couldn't help it.

"That's great." Stacy mumbled without any fake enthusiasm. "Audrey has been spreading shit about you to everyone in town. I think Rose almost punched her the other day, but Ella kept them apart." Stacy told me.

I chortled with a little nod. "Ya, she told me about it. I have a good defense team, don't I?"

"Ella knows." Stacy suddenly said. "She read the notebook when she was fifteen, by mistake." My heart began to beat quickly, I opened my mouth to panic but Stacy continued, "Don't worry, she didn't tell Rose. She won't tell her."

My daughter and Ella have been together for about a year, and that's how fate worked for all of us.

"They were caught making-out in my parents' room." Adam told me when he returned from Vancouver last summer.

"Your parents are dead." I said, dryly. I made him angry.

"Still, it's my parents' room. Audrey caught them."

"So that's why you're angry? Your saint sister caught them? Who the fuck cares if someone is gay anymore? Only your family." Adam sighed loudly.

"That's not the point." He said. "The point is she's dating someone about ten years older than her."

He said something, I said something, we argued, then we fought. It was the same scenario whenever we were in the same place. I wasn't really angry or annoyed with the fact my daughter is a lesbian, I always knew about it. Scarlet and Rose were always so different. I could tell from the start. And I didn't mind Ella because I knew her somehow and she wasn't someone who would wreck my daughter's future or hurt her. And they were two adults, I don't even think I had much of a saying. Adam didn't care after two days and everything was just as ordinary.

"I just wanted to give you a heads-up before we go to their place." They thought it was a good idea to invite us both for dinner. They're happy with having a small place for themselves, so we didn't object.

Then Stacy and I were in her car as she drove down streets I wasn't very familiar with. The radio was on, but the volume was too low to hide the awkward silence that was between us. "How does Adam feel about all of this?" Stacy asked. She must have felt the same way. "I know Audrey's a bitch about it, but she's been a bitch since she was two."

I giggled just a bit before answering, "Adam always knew I was a lesbian." I confessed. "I was dating a woman called Diana while having an affair with him when I was twenty five." Another confession that's not going to clean my slate.

"How many people did you exactly cheat on?" Stacy asked, teasingly.

"Everyone but Adam." I told the truth.

"And he cheated on you in return." It wasn't a question, but I nodded. "I could say karma, but..."

"It hurt him that I didn't love him anymore."

"I know. We talked about it. Does he still love you? I think he does. He was here last week. He seemed like he does love you." Stacy didn't give me a chance to say that I don't know whether he does or not. "But you did the right thing." Stacy still talked a lot. Some habits just don't die. "You'd find someone." Her monotonous tone suggested otherwise. "I didn't date after Tony because I was too busy taking care of Ella. People don't want a bossy confused bitch with a daughter. I went out with a couple of people, it just didn't work. I was much happier alone. I'm still much happier alone." I nodded once again, hoping we'll reach where we're headed, or Stacy would shut up. "Just one grandchild and I'd be good." Then I looked at Stacy who laughed at my expression. "That's their decision, not ours." And that was correct, but it was still petrifying.

"Sara's parents?" I asked the question I forgot I wanted to ask till she mentioned grandchildren. "Nobody ever talks about them. Nobody ever did. Adam only mentioned Sara once or twice, randomly"

Stacy looked at me then focused again on the road. "When her mother knew about her cancer she became really depressed. You know, late guilt. Sara refused to go back and live with them in Calgary so she came here alone, but Sara still refused to live with her. She visited my place everyday until Sara died."

"And her dad never visited at all?" Stacy shook her head.

"He said that this was punishment because of her sins." My eyes went wide and Stacy chuckled. "Her mother died a couple of months after her. It was a normal death, I suppose. And her father three years after, it was a heart attack." I sat back in my seat and digested all of it. "I don't know why nobody talks about her. I think nobody even remembers her anymore? Except ourselves, obviously." Stacy said and I sighed. "Life is ironic, isn't it?"

"It is." I agreed.

**...**

"Pretend that you brought this." Stacy handed me the bottle of whiskey wrapped in a silver ribbon after ringing the bell. We stood outside the apartment on the second floor.

"Shit, I forgot." I groaned just a bit before the door opened and my daughter appeared, mouthing a big_ hi_ to both of us while squeezing her phone between her shoulder and her ears.

"I'll call you back." Rose's jovial voice always reminded me of my mother's. Scarlet was more like myself, her voice was raspier. "Yes." Rose said again and motioned for us to come inside. Her smile is beautiful and cheerful. Stacy's right, she always had looked like her father, and even a bit like his cousin, but now she's looking just a tad like me. "Alright. I'll tell El and I'll get back to you. Tomorrow's fine? Okay. Bye." I froze in my place as I looked at the object on the floor near the sofa. "Oh, mum, hi." My daughter squealed loudly and made me snap out of my shock. She took me in a tight hug and pulled away, smiling. "Oh, thanks. You didn't have to." She took the liquor from my hands and I just stood there. She wrinkled her brows and looked at where I was looking. "Oh, God." She sighed. "Ella, I told you many times not to get this shit bear out of the room. It's scaring my mother." Rose yelled. "It's Ella's teddy. I know it looks scary, just ignore it." My daughter walked to the kitchen and I walked to the white furry inanimate stuffed animal.

"Sara kept it." Stacy whispered as I touched the white fur, which now looked beige. I remembered my giant stuffed animal the moment I saw it. It looks old, it looks tired, but it's still not missing an arm or a leg or an eye. "She said she didn't give it back to you on purpose because she wanted a piece of you with her." I wiped a single tear that rolled down one eye. That's the first tear I witness all day and it's probably the only one.

"Hey." Ella's soft voice interrupted us as she entered the living room. We both smiled at her and she smiled back. She's as tall as her mother, her hair is light brown, and her eyes are blue. She didn't look like a copy of Stacy, but if a stranger in a street saw them together, they'd immediately know they're a mother and her daughter. "I'm sorry about that." She pointed at the stuffed animal. "I forgot it's here." She laughed just a bit.

"Ella took it when Sara died. I was going to throw it away, but she didn't let me." Stacy explained, taking a seat on the sofa. I joined her, nodding slowly.

"I didn't know it was yours. I'm sorry." Ella apologized.

I smiled, opening my mouth to speak but was immediately interrupted by my daughter. "What didn't you know was hers? Whose what? Who is her?" Rose was always the kind of person who was just a complete mess. She was all over the place. Always speaking loudly or laughing when people are crying and crying when people are laughing. And I suppose that's why Ella was good for her. Ella's reasonable, quiet when it should be, talkative when it must be.

Ella took the three glasses from my daughter's hand and put them on the coffee table. "Oh nothing. I took my mum's cardigan by mistake. I thought it was mine. We have similar ones." Ella tried to fake a lie and softly laughed.

Rose began pouring the alcohol in the glasses. "Oh, which one?" She asked again.

"They navy one." Ella answered immediately without any hesitation and Rose handed each of us a glass of whiskey.

"Aren't you drinking?" I asked, changing the subject on purpose.

Rose looked up at me and smiled. "No, I'm not drinking." She sat down next to her girlfriend and they both looked at Stacy and I, smiling.

My jaw dropped and my eyes widened. "You're pregnant?" I said too loudly that Stacy moved her head away with a disturbed expression on her face.

Ella choked on her drink and looked at Rose with wide eyes. "What the fuck?" My daughter said. "No, I'm not." She said with a louder voice than mine. "I'm not." She said again to her girlfriend. "I just don't wanna drink, Jesus." I sighed in relief and Stacy shook her head.

"She just turned twenty two. It's too early for that." Ella said and her mother raised an eyebrow.

"And you're thirty two, not too early." Stacy said and I squinted my eyes at her. "Fine, fine. None of my business."

I now understand my mother's objection and anger when I told her that Sara and I made a plan of having a child as soon as I graduated university. I didn't understand what's the big deal back then. I wasn't aware of the responsibility that came with having a child. And I know that even if Sara didn't die, she was sick. We could have gone with that plan and I could have made her the mother she always wanted to be, but I also would have ended up a single mother mourning the loss of my lover. I'd like to think I made a good choice, or she made a good one pushing me away. Fate did connect us once again, but in a different way.

I looked once again at the teddy bear and I got different flashbacks. I smiled to myself as I remembered when I got inside Sara's apartment and she made a dirty joke right away. Then I remembered when Sara used to throw it on the floor whenever she got into bed. And when she used to make it face the wall when we made love. And I also remembered when I went to her place that April afternoon after I cheated. It was still lying there on the place I used to sleep at. I wonder if Sara hugged it and imagined it was me. A selfish thought, but I marveled at the chance of it happening.

I looked at my daughter, at Ella, and then at Stacy, and I smiled, knowing that even though my life wasn't a smooth slide, it was a nice bumpy ride in a street wide but short. I wouldn't want to change a thing because I'm happy with what I have. And even though it took me a while to realize it, I am thankful about everything that happened and brought me here to where I am at today.

**...**

**September 3rd, 2043**

I climbed up the stairs of the faculty as one of my very much devoted students followed me. She hadn't stopped speaking since the class was over. "Yes, so you get it now why I couldn't register in your class but showed up anyway instead of going to what's his face's class?"

I tsked and walked through the long hallway. "He's a professor and he has a name." I said, but I know she didn't care much. "What do you want me to do now?" I reached the last office on the left and put the key in the hole.

"I want you to put me in your class, please." She smiled at me, showing her pearly white teeth. We entered my new office. I had just received it last week and I'm still as happy as a child receiving their favourite toy for Christmas. I don't think I can even begin to describe how happy I am to finally be in that office I tried so hard to be in all the years I've taught at this university.

I sat on my chair and turned my laptop on. "Alright, let me see." I said as Alison looked all around her and scanned everything her small eyes could scan in my office.

"Did you paint these?" She pointed at the three Tulips on the wall.

"I didn't." I said and looked up at all the information on my screen. "It was done by an old professor in here. That was her office." I explained. "Nobody received it since then."

"How come you did then?" She asked, tapping her fingers on my wooden desk.

"The class is full, Alison. I'm really sorry." I said instead of answering her question and she frowned.

"Oh, come on." She whined. "I'm the cute girl who took every class possible with you. Am I not special to you?" Students always hit on me or flirted with me in this university and I could tell, but Alison was the one who was just too obvious and it was kind of funny but also flattering. "Please just fit me in." She pouted.

"When are you graduating?" I asked, messing more on my laptop.

"I don't know." She sighed. "I just really like taking classes with you too much that I don't ever wanna graduate."

"Watch it." I warned with a smirk.

"Everyone knows you're a lesbian, Doctor." She said.

"And I happen to be your professor who's as old as your mother, probably." I registered her name in my class and looked at her. She had a quite amusing, apparent, and horrific disgust on her face. "You're in."

"Are you fucking kidding me? My mother? That old wrinkly bitch? Aren't you like in your thirties? How old are you?" She raised one eyebrow and I guffawed.

"Old enough to have two daughters your age." I smiled confidently and her jaw dropped.

"Holy fucking shit." She cursed and I tsked. "You were a teen mum, right? Yes if you had them when you were fourteen, you'd be thirty four now." I watched my student calculate a false age for me. An age I wish I was still at, but at the same time, not willing to go back to it because what I have now is much better than anything I've ever had.

"No, I wasn't. I'm too old for you, and you're my student." I said. "Now you should probably..." Before I could finish she cut me off.

"Do they look like you? Your kids? Are they single? Lesbians? It's fine if they're not, I can lure them in with my great charm and amazing personality." She flipped her hair, mockingly, and we both laughed.

"They're both in relationships. Once one is single I'll let you know." I winked, jokingly, and admittedly, a bit teasingly.

"When you're ever lonely and in need for a hand to hold or a body to sleep on, hit me up." She winked back and my eyes widened at her persistence. "Adios." She walked to the door. "And thanks, Doctor." She smiled and left me alone in my office.

"Wow." I started laughing, laughing too loudly. It was a great feeling to be hit on by younger people, especially your students, and I now understood the proud sensation that Sara felt.

I looked at my desk when I remembered the woman. I looked at my desk and I reached for the notebook that I went over everyday. I skimmed through it and read my favourite parts of it each day. And that gave me the feeling of love I have always sought for. The feeling of wanting to be loved. It's a selfish feeling, but I loved it. After all, I'm only human.

**_November, 2012_**

_I saw her again last night. It's been two months and I still can't find the courage to go up and talk to her. I don't think she notices me. When she laughs, it seems that she doesn't notice anybody but herself. It's too dark in there, but when our eyes meet, hers glisten then they dim as she looks away. It's as if she had lit a light inside of them then immediately turned it off. I love her eyes._

_Another entry, same month. I wanted to go and talk to her last night, but then her friend held her hand and I think her friend isn't her friend. I haven't been attracted to anybody for a while and this is confusing me, but also giving me a sense of relief and gaiety. Her hair danced when she laughed last night, I smiled creepily, I smiled happily. She still doesn't see me and I feel like a teenager all over again._

_Third entry for this month. I feel the atrocious need to speak about her body. I often draw it in my mind before falling asleep. Then I fall asleep in thoughts of it. I feel shameful because her body has been dragging me to do things I haven't done since I was in my parents' home. I sit in the bar and she stands up. I look at her hips, I scan her breasts, she lives her life and I dream about a reality I can't hold._

_I can now assure my mind that I am fucked up. I saw her friend at the faculty today. If her friend or girlfriend or whoever that woman is studies where I teach, there's no doubt she does the same. I need a drink or two, I need to touch her skin, I need to do things I shouldn't do. A woman my age shouldn't talk like that._

**_January, 2013_**

_I've often believed in fate, but I think it had done me something absurd, something mischievous. The lady from the bar, whose name Tegan Rain, is in my class. A class I teach. I forgot her for a month and she's sent again from the highest heavens back to my hell. If that's not fate, then it must be salvation._

_I am a terrible human being. I pronounced her name wrong on purpose today. Turns out it's Tegan with an E. I subconsciously winked at her. I think I scared her off. Her eyes said so._

_Goddamn it. Now she notices me, now she sees me. When I'm her damn professor. She and her friends and her stupid girlfriend, they saw me at the bar. That's not salvation, that's punishment._

_I don't know why I was teasing her, I don't know why I did it, but I love when her eyes terrifies me with their thunder. Therefore, I called her Thunder Girl and I'm sure it annoyed her. I don't want her to suspect anything, but I can't quite help it. Her eyes are tantalizing, they're out of this world, I believe._

I sat back in my chair and giggled at her earlier entries, the way I did everyday. I didn't read all the notebook each day. I just picked some parts, different parts. They made me happy, all of them, but then they made me anguished, and then I felt peace, and then I felt relaxed.

**_February, 2013_**

_As an ill woman,_

_A mess walking on thin bones, I believe:_

_Falling for a student half my age is not a great deal._

_As a wreck of a human,_

_As an earthquake crawling on scraped knees, I aspire:_

_To drag that woman inside my harmless witchcraft._

_To daze her, make her love me, make her fall._

...

_I'd draw her body in nudity if I knew what it looked like._

_But I can imagine._

_Milky softness and a sea of guilt between full thighs._

_I'd draw shapes and I'd give them colours if I knew what it was like_

_To wet the dryness of my thirst by the tenderness of pink nipples in my mouth._

_I'd give life to the images my brain screams each night in shameful darkness,_

_If I only knew what's the sound of a relished cry would be like._

_But I don't know, so I don't draw, I don't paint, and I don't create._

_I only imagine._

**_March, 2013_**

_I touched her breasts in my dream,_

_But her skin burned me._

_I looked into her eyes, and they stung me._

_Then I realized I am dying, and she couldn't save me._

_So I gave up on my dreams because I want to be set free._

_An entry so honest. I can be honest with myself. Today her skin was on fire, she had a fever. I wished I could take care of her, but I need someone to take care of me. I left her gasping, I meant to do it, I want to feel her palms on my breasts and I want to feel her lips between my legs. Is that too obscene to be written down? What if my future child finds it? If you're reading this, know that mummy isn't proud of you. But oh wait, I'm going to be a wombless woman soon. Never mind future child, you're not alive. Carry on._

_**April, 2013**_

_Sometimes I wonder about things I shouldn't wonder about. I look at her in class and I see her in her own reality. I wonder what she's thinking of, I wonder if she thinks of sex as often as I do, I also wonder if she's wet as I am or not. Then I remember I can't have sex right now and I frown in my place in class. I wonder if she touches herself at night the way I did, if she has kinks, if she watches porn, if her sex life is good or bad. I just wonder about all of that and I always end up remembering my sick reality._

_**May, 2013**_

_Today I have realized multiple facts. Since I started jotting down my thoughts, they were all concentrated in one way or another about Tegan. And that's not good at all, because today I said goodbye to Tegan, and that goodbye could be forever. Another fact is that I somehow attached myself to a silly teenage dream when I am in my thirties, when I am appointed for a surgery, when I have cancer, when I could die at any second. Another fact I realized is that I might have given her hope that I would be teaching again, but I am not sure about that. Another thing I realized is that I touched her inappropriately, I tugged at her bra, she didn't say anything, and I feel deep shame slapping me on the cheek that hurts the most. This is the last entry I shall write in this notebook, or at least the last one about her. She's just a crush anyway._

I took a breath and looked out of the window. I want to skip Sara's return to this notebook, knowing the reason is that I appeared in her life again. And there's no need to read all the poetry she wrote when we were together, I feel like reading something so erotic in such a place is scandalous and disgraceful.

_**April, 2014**_

_The law of life is death. I've always believed that. Death has approached so I pushed her away. If death saw her, he'd be charmed with her, he'd take her away. And since the law of life was death, and she's a human as much as me, I pushed her away._

_**May, 2014**_

_My Moira enslaved me in thorns of fire._

_Melancholy marked me for her own._

_My mate danced on top of my deathless desire._

_Misery mocked me in the peeks of dawn._

_Lover, life didn't allow me to hold you._

_Lessons learned, but chances I won't get again._

_Leave like the sun when it sits, I said to you._

_Lies, lies I told myself as I watched it rain._

_**June, 2014**_

_What is she doing? I think of it every hour. Is she in bed? Asleep? Is she dreaming? Does she still get the nightmares? Does she still weep? Does she think of me? Does she see me in endless dreams?_

**_September, 2014_**

_When I go down to death I want a present for bearing the knives chopping my bones from my toes up to my head. When I sleep under dirt and hug nature with my breath, I want a lover down there and a child who couldn't fight till fifth grade. When I leave this place, I want her to remember me everynight in her sleep. And I want her to wish I was alive so I can roll inside my bed of mud and cry along her cries._

_**October, 2014**_

_Darkness, I see darkness, drowning, swirling around me. Like a wave it crashes me, like a dagger it stabs me, like a phantom it haunts me. Love, come find me, come save me. Like a beggar I beg, come around, come see me._

_**December, 2014**_

_Christmas lights, and a new year to add to my crippling age. I threw up only twice today, lost only few hairs today, and thought about her only two times today. One when I drank tea, the other when I sipped coffee._

_**March, 2015**_

_They are liars, they say I'm getting better. If so then why do I make love to death every single night? They are liars, they think they can fool me._

_**April, 2015**_

_I am agony, she's my comfort._

_I am terror, her eyes are the reason._

_I am misery, I make her weep._

_I am madness, she's a flower._

_I am suffering, she's a relief._

_I am death, she is life._

_I am a dreamer, she's a lover._

_Today I died twice: One time in my sleep. The love we made and the liquor we drank. She looked at me with her two cupreous eyes and I shuddered. They've always made my goosebumps arise, but this time I swore they were demon-like. Honey, big, and they own all the power I can't obtain. The second time was when I woke up. Her eyes weren't there and I missed them._

**_May, 2015_**

_Her name is Tegan. I've said a lot. She has a power to capture wounded hearts like mine then leave them out so life can pry on them. If you ever came across her, don't love her because she's mine. If you do you'll curse yourself, so that's a warning._

_Her hobby is to rain and to storm, thunder may accompany, and lightening sometimes can shine from her glassy eyes. Just a warning before you touch her. She wants to be an angel, she said she used to draw angels on every wall._

_She told me not to die one day, and I promised her I wouldn't. I broke my promise the way she broke hers and tonight I found in death my peace and shelter. She told me she wanted to be an angel, silly, does she not know angels don't crawl on earth?_

Her last entries were awfully melodramatic. They were cringe-worthy. They were terribly angsty. But the first time I read them I cried the same way I used to cry thirty years ago. Maybe because I couldn't imagine the pain she was in while writing the last thing ever before she died? I read everyday and I still feel the need to go over each line again. She thought my eyes were terrifying, I thought her eyes were frightening. She thought I was full of life and full of love, I was only full of depression and full of self-love. She thought a lot of things and I thought of many others. I just wished we had the time to talk about how we made each other feel, but that wouldn't change a thing, so I settle on my satisfaction of having what I have, of being loved by her.

I look at the very last entry, and at the very last drawing. Those are the only ones I read and look at each day without skipping.

_I know she thinks I hate her, but I don't._

_I know she believes I haven't forgiven her, but I was never mad at her in the first place._

_I know she's sure I don't love her, but I swear to this last night of life I own, I've never loved anybody as much as I loved her._

I look at myself drawn on the page. I look at the wings she detailed with utter perfection. I look at my hair flying, at my smile, at my eyes and the way she made them as frightening as hers. I look at the words underneath,_ 'She wanted to be an angel, so I drew her as one.'_ Then I look at the halo she had drawn over my head, hiding the devil horns I've always thought I have worn.

Then I close the notebook and I take a breath.


End file.
